Original subtitles

COME IN!

HEY, YOU GOT MY DRILL?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

OH, HEY, LOOK!

I GOT MY BADGE.

I'M OFFICIAL.

WHY DO THEY GIVE FIREMEN BADGES ANYWAY?

DON'T THE YELLOW PANTS AND THE GOOFY HAT SAY IT ALL?

HERE.

BERG MADE PANCAKES.

Berg: WHO'S TICKLISH? WHO'S TICKLISH?

WHO IS TICKLISH?

BERG HAS A SEX BUDDY! WHAT'S A SEX BUDDY?

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER HAD ONE.

WE SHOULD GO. WE GOTTA GO, WE GOTTA GO.

WHATCHA DOING WITH MR. GATOR?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

YOU GOT A SEX BUDDY IN THERE?

Hey! Hey! Shhhh!

AND DON'T CALL HER THAT. IT'S DEMEANING.

BUT YOU REALLY HAVE ONE.

DAMN STRAIGHT!

BERG, I'VE NEVER SEEN A SEX BUDDY.

CAN I SEE WHAT ONE LOOKS LIKE?

HEY, SHE'S A HUMAN BEING, PETE.

IT'S NOT A WHALE WATCH.

SO, SHE'S BIG, HUH?

OKAY, OUT!

WHO WAS THAT? THAT WAS PETE AND JOHNNY.

PETEY DUNVILLE, THE SWEETIE FROM FUNVILLE?

RELAX, RELAX. HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS YOU.

OH, GOOD.

OKAY, THE COAST IS CLEAR.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GET RID OF ME?

NO, NO. COME HERE.

OH.

OKAY. GO ON NOW.

W-WHAT WAS THAT?

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GO INTO THE BURNING BUILDING

BECAUSE I'M NOT A FIREFIGHTER?

REALLY.

FREEZE!

HERE. DO YOU WANT THESE?

WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR STUPID FLOWERS?

NOMAR SENT THEM.

THESE ARE FROM NOMAR?

OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!

I SHOULD FIND A VASE.

THE NERVE OF THAT GUY!

I DUMP HIM AND HE THINKS HE CAN MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER

BY SENDING ME FLOWERS.

DO YOU THINK HE PICKED THESE FROM HIS GARDEN?

IT'S REALLY HARD FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF

WHEN YOU'RE CONSTANTLY BEING INTERRUPTED WITH GIFTS.

YOU SHOULD JUST ADMIT YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

AND TAKE NOMAR BACK BEFORE HE REALIZES

HE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.

I'M JUST... I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

BUT IN THAT CASE, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A FRIEND.

THANKS, PETE. HEY, IT'S WEIRD.

I FELT A LITTLE AWKWARD COMING DOWN HERE

'CAUSE I THINK THE HARDEST THING FOR ME

IS NOT REALLY HAVING ANYONE TO TALK TO.

I HOPE YOU LIKE SCOTCH.

UM... NOW LISTEN...

IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF IT.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, PETE.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME. AND THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS!

OH... YEAH. THAT'S REAL NICE.

MATURE BEHAVIOR THERE, PETE.

SHE COMES DOWN HERE

LOOKING FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT OF COMPASSION...

AND YOU TREAT HER LIKE DIRT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

NO!

I WAS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM TILL SHE LEFT.

I JUST WISH SHE'D HURRY UP AND GET BACK WITH NOMAR.

HE'S ONLY THE GREATEST GUY SHE'S EVER DATED.

IF NOMAR'S SO GREAT, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SPLIT THEM UP.

I DIDN'T SPLIT THEM UP. I TOLD A HARMLESS JOKE.

YES, A JOKE THAT MADE NOMAR THINK

ASH AND I WERE STILL SLEEPING TOGETHER.

I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.

COME ON. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

ONLY ROOM IN THE HOUSE THAT DOESN'T LEAK.

OH, THANK GOD! ALL THIS CRAP IS SPARED!

NEAR AS I CAN FIGURE, THIS WAS A FORMAL SITTING ROOM

OR ELSE MORE OF A CASUAL, LYIN'-DOWN-NAKED ROOM.

OOOH, WHAT GOT YOU ALL RARIN' TO GO?

PETE AND BERG.

A HOUSE ISN'T A HOME UNTIL WE CHRISTEN IT.

OH! DIRTY!

OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

THERE. ALL CLEAN. OH, SURE...

THE GUY ON TOP ALWAYS THINKS IT'S CLEAN.

CLEAN THE ROOM AND I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

IRENE, HEY!

HEY, IT'S BERG. YOU BUSY?

PETE'S AT THE FIRE STATION. COME OVER.

GUESS WHAT.

I SWIPED A PATIENT'S GOWN FROM THE HOSPITAL.

THE DOCTOR IS IN.

GRRRR.

BAD DOCTOR. OFF THE FURNITURE! OFF!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE?

YES, PETE, WE'VE ALL SEEN YOUR BADGE.

DUH! PETE! I... UH...

LOOK AT ME. FORGOT TO DRESS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

I MEAN, SHE DIDN'T FLIRT WITH ME.

MAYBE SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHY NOT?

I MEAN, SHE'S FRIENDLY... A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY...

BUT SOME GUYS LIKE THAT.

HEY, LOOK. I FOUND YOUR BADGE.

Go fight a fire!

I'M SERIOUS. I BET SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

WHOEVER HE IS, I HOPE HE'S NOT A JERK.

I'M SURE THAT IRENE WILL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW, IRENE'S KINDA FRAGILE.

SHE'S NOT LIKE ONE OF YOUR SEX BUDDIES,

YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T JUST TREAT HER LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.

HOW COME?

BERG, I BLEW HER OFF ONCE,

SHE SPENT SIX MONTHS IN A HOME.

IT WAS ONLY, LIKE, FOUR.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOCK ME DOWN?

HEY, ASH, LISTEN...

I FEEL KINDA BAD ABOUT YESTERDAY.

SO, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU STILL WANTED TO,

WE COULD... TALK.

NOT FOR LONG.

LIKE TWO MINUTES MAX.

GO.

THANKS, PETE.

I REALIZE YOU'RE OFFERING ME YOUR ENTIRE ATTENTION SPAN.

BUT I'M FINE... REALLY.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

REALLY? GREAT!

YOU GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH NOMAR?

NO! I AM NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.

IT'S OVER AND I AM FINE.

YOU CAN'T COVER UP THE STINK OF DEPRESSION

BY TAKING A SHOWER

AND THROWING ON SOME UNFLATTERING OUTFIT.

HEY, DR. HOTTIE.

HEY, GERM.

READY TO SHRED SOME RAILS?

MM-HMM.

YOU'RE GOING SKATEBOARDING WITH GERM?

SKATEBOARDING?

HELLO! WELCOME TO FALL 2000.

I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO SKATEBOARD, MAN,

GET IN YOUR TIME MACHINE AND TRAVEL BACK TO JUNE.

IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE,

I'D GO BACK AND TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL.

ME TOO.

HEY, IRENE. UM, CAN WE TALK?

SURE, COME ON IN.

UM, ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT ANYONE

LET'S PRETEND LIKE WE'RE GETTING THE MAIL.

LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE

IF I'VE DONE ANYTHING THAT MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

OH, IT'S OKAY.

I STARTED STRETCHING IN THE MORNINGS.

HEY, YOU GUYS. IS THE MAIL HERE?

NO. NO.

UM, I WAS JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF THE MAIL HAD COME,

AND THEN IRENE CAME OUT

AND SHE ASKED ME IF THE MAIL HAD COME,

AND I JUST LOOKED AT HER AND I SAID, "NO."

OKAY? OKAY.

WHATEVER? WHATEVER.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER. ALL RIGHT!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAILMAN. NO MAIL.

OKAY, RIGHT THERE.

I WAS LYING TO SHARON FOR BOTH OUR SAKES,

NOT JUST MINE.

IS THERE SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?

YEAH. LOOK, UM, IRENE...

SOMETIMES WHEN TWO PEOPLE GET INVOLVED,

sexually...

EMOTIONS CAN GET TANGLED,

FEELINGS CAN GET CONFUSED, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT...

I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING.

YOU DO?

YEAH. BERG... DON'T YOU GET HOOKED ON ME!

WHAT?

I UNDERSTAND. HA!

NO, NO, NO.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANY OF THIS.

IRENE, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE

I'M TREATING YOU LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.

WHY WOULD I?

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE MEAT.

NO, I'M NOT.

YEAH.

100% PRIME ANGUS. OOH...

A LITTLE JUNK IN THE TRUNK.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO START MAKING YOU DO SOME OF THE WORK.

ALL SET.

IT LOOKS GREAT!

LET THE COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTENING BEGIN.

10... 9... 8, 7... 6... 5, 4... 3...

2... WAIT!

OH, LET'S MAKE A FIRE. IT'LL BE SO ROMANTIC!

OH, WE CAN'T.

I THINK THERE'S A FAMILY OF RACCOONS LIVING THERE.

RACCOONS?

YEAH, I LOOKED UP THERE AND SOMETHING LOOKED BACK.

IT'S EITHER A RACCOON

OR A VERY TINY, OLD-FASHIONED CRIMINAL.

OH, J-J-JOHNNY...

WE CAN'T MAKE LOVE WITH ANIMALS IN THE CHIMNEY.

SURE WE CAN.

NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M EXPOSING MY NAKED BUTT

TO A BUNCH OF RACCOONS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT THAT WAY. WE CAN JUST DO IT REGULAR.

JOHNNY... I'LL CLOSE THE FLUE.

JUST GET RID OF THE CRITTERS AND WE'LL CHRISTEN TOMORROW.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS BETTER NOT BE YOUR IDEA OF MARRIAGE.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO A CHORE EVERY TIME WE HAVE SEX.

YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX

EVERY TIME YOU DO A CHORE?

OH, HEY, IRENE.

HEY, BERG.

LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT.

COOL. TONIGHT I'LL BE THE DOCTOR,

AND YOU'LL BE THE VEGAS SHOWGIRL.

THEY'RE FOR YOU, SILLY.

I'm the showgirl.

GO AHEAD, PUT 'EM ON.

I... FOR ME?

OOH, UM...

I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, THOUGH.

SO? DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T FEEL PRETTY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

SOME DELINQUENTS ON SCOOTERS

TRIED TO GRAB ONTO A MOVING FIRETRUCK.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING

THAT FIREBOY PETE WAS ON THE LOOKOUT,

OR WE COULD'VE HAD FUN.

ASHLEY, DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE JUST BEING SELF-DESTRUCTIVE?

WILL YOU MAKE UP WITH NOMAR BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF?

NO, I'M FINE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. BERG, TALK TO HER.

ASHLEY, DO YOU NEED HELP?

NO, I'M FINE!

WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?!

JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO HAVE

A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART WITH PETE

AND I WANTED TO GO SKATEBOARDING WITH GERM...

IT WAS A SCOOTER. OH, JUST SHUT UP!

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I DON'T NEED ANYONE'S HELP!

I'M FINE! I AM PERFECTLY FINE!

BERG, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? SHE WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

HEY, LOOK, PETE...

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE UNLESS THEY WANT TO.

THERE'S NOTHING ANY ONE PERSON CAN SAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HEY, UM...

MEET ME TONIGHT AT JOHNNY AND SHARON'S HOUSE.

WHY? THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY.

I SAW SHARON TODAY. SHE DIDN'T MENTION IT.

UH, IT'S SORT OF A, UH, SURPRISE HOUSEWARMING.

OH, OKAY.

AND MAKE SURE ASHLEY COMES.

UM, HEY. I DON'T HAVE THE ADDRESS.

MEET ME OUTSIDE THE PARTY AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU THERE.

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE

ALL THE HARD WORK YOU'VE DONE.

SO I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SHOW YA!

COME ON!

WAS THAT YOU?

IT WAS THE DOORBELL.

JUST DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I LOSE THE MOOD.

COME ON! HUSTLE UP, BIG BOY!

HEY, JOHNNY. HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M BUSY. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH, I'M HERE FOR THE HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT YOU A GIFT,

BUT I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU NEEDED.

SO, I GUESS THE PERFECT GIFT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NEW HOUSE.

HEY, ASH. WHAT'S GOING ON?

DID YOU INVITE ASHLEY FOR A HOUSEWARMING PARTY?

OH, YES.

I WANTED TO SHOW THE MOST SARCASTIC PERSON I KNOW

THE MOST EMBARRASSING PART OF MY LIFE.

I-I'M SORRY. DID I INTERRUPT SOMETHING?

OH, NO. NOT AT ALL.

HONEY, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

HEY, JOHNNY...

HAPPY HOUSEWARMING.

HERE'S YOUR GIFT.

IT'S KINDA LAST MINUTE.

SO, CAN I HAVE A TOUR?

OH, SURE, SURE, SURE.

I COULD SHOW YOU THE UPSTAIRS,

BUT THERE ARE NO LIGHTS, AND HOLES IN THE FLOOR.

OKAY, WELL, HOW ABOUT THE DOWNSTAIRS?

UH, I COULD, BUT THERE ARE LIGHS

AND YOU'D SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

OH! I COULD SHOW YOU THE CLEAN ROOM.

COME ON.

OKAY, IN HERE,

I THINK WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA GO WITH ONE COLOR.

WOW!

WHAT A DUMP!

HEY, HUNKY HOMEOWNER.

I MADE YOU A GINGERBREAD VERSION OF YOUR HOUSE.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TIME, SO IT'S NOT TO SCALE.

NO, NO, IT'S PERFECT.

NO VISITORS.

HEY, IRENE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING HERE TONIGHT.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T PHONE YOU EARLIER

ABOUT COMING OVER.

UH, THAT'S PROBABLY PRETTY RUDE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. NO BIG DEAL.

Okay.

WHAT?

UM, IT IS A BIG DEAL.

NO, IT'S NOT.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE.

I DON'T.

AGAIN... okay.

LOOK, UM, THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME.

WHAT?

I CAN'T BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEBODY

WHO'S NOT EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH ME.

I'M USED TO BEING WORSHIPPED.

I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING FUN. WE WERE.

I REALLY ENJOYED HAVING CASUAL SEX WITH YOU

UNTIL I FOUND OUT YOU WERE HAVING CASUAL SEX WITH ME!

I THINK WE SHOULD STOP. I NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL.

OKAY, BUT, HEY, YOU SHOULD KNOW...

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE SLEPT WITH

I DIDN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR.

NOW, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL?

MAYBE.

YOU KNOW, IT DEPENDS ON WHY.

BECAUSE YOU'RE THAT GOOD.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW I'M SELF-TAUGHT.

GOSH... IT REALLY MAKES YOU WONDER

WHAT IT TAKES TO CONDEMN A PLACE.

Pete: HELLO!

WHOA! THIS LOOKS LIKE THE HOUSE

WHERE WE PRACTICE PUTTING OUT FIRES.

WAS THE IDEA FOR THIS PARTY

FOR EVERYONE TO MAKE FUN OF MY NEW HOUSE?

THIS ISN'T A PARTY. IT'S AN INTERVENTION.

OH, THEN I'M TAKING MY GIFT BACK.

LOOK, GUYS, I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS THAT ONE OF US IS IN TROUBLE,

AND I THINK IT'S OUR DUTY AS FRIENDS TO HELP THEM.

COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK, YOU GUYS!

I'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!

I'VE GOT A WIFE, I'VE GOT A MORTGAGE,

SO I HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!

IT'S NOT YOU, JOHNNY.

A WIFE?

I-I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

NO, YOU GUYS, I-IT'S ASHLEY.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME. SIT DOWN. HEAR ME OUT.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT YOU'VE BEEN ACTING STRANGELY

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH NOMAR.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

BECAUSE HE WAS SPECIAL,

AND THAT MADE YOU SPECIAL.

THINK ABOUT IT... ONE SECOND, YOU'RE INVISIBLE.

THE NEXT SECOND, YOU'RE STANDING NEXT TO NOMAR

AND EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'D GO INTO A RESTAURANT, YOU DROP HIS NAME,

AND YOU'D GET A BETTER TABLE.

AND DO YOU THINK IT WAS A COINCIDENCE THAT MY PARENTS...

WHO ARE LIFELONG RED SOX FANS...

SUDDENLY STARTED CALLING ME MORE?

YOU MISS HIM, PETE, DON'T YOU?

SO MUCH!

I HAD THE GREATEST GUY IN BOSTON,

AND I DROVE HIM AWAY!

WHY?!

THERE, THERE, NOW, PETE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET OVER THIS.

I WON'T! I WON'T, I WON'T, I WON'T!

HEY. HEY, PETER.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER...

SOMETIMES I MISS HIM, TOO.

OH, GET OVER YOURSELF!

UM, YOU KNOW, ASHLEY,

IF YOU'RE SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU MISS NOMAR,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL HIM UP?

JUST BECAUSE YOU MISS SOMEONE

DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THEM.

AND I... I REALLY THOUGHT THAT MY FRIENDS

WOULD HELP ME THROUGH THIS ROUGH TIME.

OH, HONEY... YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU... YOU ARE MY FRIENDS.

OH, OUR PHONE ISN'T HOOKED UP YET.

YEAH, BUT FEEL FREE TO STOP BY ANYTIME YOU NEED TO TALK.

ABSOLUTELY. JUST MAKE SURE YOU CALL FIRST.

YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A PHONE YET.

OKAY, BYE. BYE!

OH! WHAT A NIGHT! I'M EXHAUSTED!

FIGURES.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS EITHER YOU HAVE A HEADACHE,

OR THERE'S A DOORBELL, OR RACCOONS IN THE CHIMNEY.

ANYTHING TO STOP FROM CHRISTENING THE HOUSE WITH ME.

OH, BABY, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

I LOVE BEING WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU.

THEN WHY CAN'T WE CHRISTEN?

BECAUSE...

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL. YOU ONLY GET TO DO IT ONCE.

IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT WE BOTH REMEMBER FOREVER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE OUR FIRST KISS.

WELL, THIS HOUSE IS AT LEAST AS NICE AS YOUR PARENTS' GARAGE.

THEN LET'S CHRISTEN.

OKAY!

I HAVE TO GET MY CHAMPAGNE.

Berg: I'VE BEEN A VERY BAD SHOWGIRL!

WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE APARTMENT.

WHY? I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA CHRISTEN?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHARON, IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

HELLO?

SORRY I'M LATE.

AN ADDRESS WOULD'VE HELPED.

OH, MAN.

LOOKS LIKE I MISSED A GOOD ONE.