Original subtitles

He did it! He did it! He did it!

I knew he was gonna get us that one!

Well, Herlihy, we won one game apiece.

Next week we play for the championship.

Yeah, okay, okay. So you got lucky tonight.

We've been champs for five years,

and we'll still be champs after next week.

Yeah?

Yeah? You want to lay a little bet on that?

Good idea. $25 a man?

Make it $50.

You got yourself a deal.

All right.

So long, sucker.

You're never gonna win $50

unless you take bowling lessons!

Me?

You bowl rotten!

Five times you tripped over your lucky laces.

Yeah, but one of those times I got a strike.

So what? It didn't count.

Your nose went over the foul line.

Fellas, you're bickering.

And you, Vinnie, you bowled worse

than usual if that's possible.

Thank goodness we got you.

You're bowling like a champ.

You're terrific!

What about you? You bowled a rotten game.

You'd be absolutely worthless

if you didn't know how to jimmy the coffee machine.

Fellas, I don't like this.

No, don't concern yourself with any of this.

Here, put your shoe trees in your bowling shoes.

Go ahead, buddy.

Now, look, if we're gonna beat these guys,

we gotta practice every night, right?

Oh, I can't tomorrow night, Oscar.

My kid's in the school health pageant.

He's playing a decayed tooth.

What's more important, Murray,

bowling or watching your kid rot?

He already shaved...

he shaved part of his head and painted it brown.

I gotta go.

Oh, he'll understand. It's the championship.

Come on. What do you say?

Oscar, the man wants to watch his little boy...

You're concerning yourself again.

Don't do that. Let the captain take care of that, huh?

What do you say, Murray?

Okay, you can count on me.

Good boy. We're gonna win the championship.

And to the trophy!

To the trophy!

To the trophy!

And to the guy who's gonna win it for us,

our star bowler and high roller, Felix Unger.

Put your hand right there, huh, buddy?

Don't look at me. I'm quitting the team.

You're quitting?

You're our star bowler. You can't do that.

I just did.

Why?

I'm sick and tired of all this fighting and yelling.

That's why. What yelling?

Oscar, bowling used to be four swell guys getting together

for an evening of fun.

We still have fun.

Will you shut up, Murray, and let me handle this?!

We still have fun. You call this fun?

All this pressure to win, win, win?

It's like Little League.

All you know is winning.

That's not healthy.

Losing is healthy?

If you feel that strongly about it,

okay, next season you can drop off the team,

but why would you in the last week before the finals?

Why would you withdraw then?

You know how much this means to me.

And besides you got $50 a man riding on your golden arm.

That's another point. What?

You're betting entirely too much money.

I don't like it. I'm hanging up my ball. I'm through.

That's it?

That's it.

And you're not gonna change your mind?

No, I'm not. I'm through.

Okay, fellas, I guess that's it. Let's go.

Just like that? No hard feelings?

Why should there be hard feelings?

So you won't bowl, huh?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right... I get the point.

Good.

I'm not exactly a dummy, you know?

That's one of the world's best-kept secrets.

I think we should talk about this, Oscar.

Don't you?

After all, we've learned to talk to the Russians.

We've learned to talk to the Chinese.

Can't we talk to each other?

You gonna bowl in the finals?

No.

Then go talk to the Chinese.

I told you why I quit your stupid bowling team.

It's a matter of principle.

I'd do it again.

My principles mean a lot to me.

Yeah? Well, look at this.

That's for your principles.

You understand that?!

Come in!

Boy, are you crude.

El Crudo.

La Crème de la Crude!

You think that's crude?

I'm gonna show you... You wanna see crude?

There. That's crude!

That's doesn't bother me. That's no skin off...

Yes, sir! Here, here we go.

Hey! Hey!

Get off my table, you bum!

Get out of my sight!

You're not safe, Felix! Go to your room!

In fact, you're not safe

in any place that contains me and my fist.

Now go to your room! You don't frighten me.

Did you hear what I said? Go to your room!

Did you hear what I said? You don't frighten me.

Go to your room!

I don't have to take this.

I'm going to my room.

You guys having a fight?

Still won't bowl, huh?

That's bad, Oscar, that's real bad.

You telling me?

Yeah. I just spoke to Herlihy.

He said no substitutes for Felix.

What good would that do anyway?

We don't need a substitute.

We need Felix.

Well, then we better just forfeit the trophy, that's all.

We're not gonna forfeit nothing.

I'm gonna get him to bowl on the team.

You gonna keep dancing on the coffee table?

He says he doesn't like winning.

He says he doesn't like competition.

I'm gonna show him what life is like without competition.

How?

Well, you know our poker game tomorrow night?

When I get through with him,

he's gonna beg us to come back on the team.

Yeah, and we won't let him.

Get out, Murray.

Come on, Felix, sit down. I started the game.

I put you in.

Oh, thank you very much.

Always try to use your coasters, fellas.

Oh, sorry.

Murray?

I'll take two.

Two for my friend Murray.

Why, thank you, Oscar.

You're entirely welcome, I'm sure.

Vinnie?

If it's not too much trouble, one, please.

Why would it be any trouble?

A friend of mine. One for you, sir. Felix?

Two.

Two for my roomie and three for the dealer.

Okay. I guess, Felix, you have to bet because...

Oh, you've got three queens. I've only got a pair of eights.

Beats me. I've got king high.

Ah, king high.

Almost a straight.

I guess we're gonna have to try to bluff you.

What's going on here? What is this?

Well, we're all friends.

There are no secrets among friends.

How can anybody win this way?

Win?

Who wants to win?

Murray, you want to win?

No.

Vinnie?

I hate to win.

All right. I'm in.

I'll see you and I'll raise you two.

I'll see you and you and raise you two.

And I'll raise you all two.

I see ya.

Okay, what do you got?

I've got three queens.

Felix wins!

Well, now, we'll have to divide this all.

No, no, I win.

Oh, no, no, no. There's no competition here.

We start even again, see?

That's ridiculous.

Isn't it?

Oh, I get it.

Now you understand? Yes.

You all conspired to humiliate me.

And you succeeded.

So to retaliate, I'm going to bed.

And you each owe me 75 cents.

Well, Oscar, have you got any other bright ideas?

No, that's it. I'm up.

Boy, it's always something.

Every time we get into the finals,

something happens to Felix.

Remember last year, the softball playoffs?

He got locked in the john in his own studio.

Yeah. And remember the year before that,

he didn't show up for the bridge tournament?

He didn't, did he?

No. Don't you remember?

He was photographing some babies,

and he got a diaper rash?

Yeah, every year.

Every year it's something... every year.

Hey, wait a minute, fellas.

You're right. Every year it is something.

And I think I know what it is.

I guarantee it!

He is gonna bowl for us. Felix!

Felix!

What's he gonna do now?

I don't know.

I'm still trying to figure out

why we bet against three queens.

Felix?

Go away. I'm getting ready for bed.

Felix, can we talk man-to-man?

We're one short.

I'm gonna let that pass because I want to help you.

I just figured out your problem is psychological.

Don't try to analyze me, Buster.

I'm too deep.

Felix, listen to...

I know what I'm talking about now.

You've got what I call the "chicken complex."

Oh, the "chicken complex"?

Oh, that is very interesting, Doctor.

Please elaborate. Tell me all about this.

All right, go ahead, make fun of it.

I'm telling you you are afraid to bowl in the finals.

Afraid? Yeah.

Me? Yeah.

First off the barge at Anzio afraid?

Felix, every time you get

in a win-lose pressure situation,

your mind tries to figure out a way to get out of it.

Bushwah!

I'm also gonna let that pass

because I don't know what it means.

Felix, you remember when you were

gonna propose to Gloria, right?

At the last minute, you got so scared you got laryngitis?

I had to propose for you?

Well, well, getting, getting, getting married

is a paralyzing situation.

No, no. Don't you see? Felix, no.

That was your ninth inning.

That was your 18th hole.

Every time you have to face your moment of truth,

you avoid it by running away or getting hurt.

You mean, like in high school

when I finally got a date with Wild Wendy Tedesco,

I got a cold sore?

Exactly.

Oh, am I stupid.

No, no, don't do that, you'll hurt your bowling arm.

Oh, Oscar, thanks.

I'm gonna lick this thing.

All right, I'll bowl.

We'll start tomorrow night.

I'm going to practice every night.

Ooh, that's what I wanted to hear. We're going to win.

I'm gonna tell the fellas. Oscar.

What? I can't bowl.

Why not?

My back just went out.

Are you crazy?

You're standing straight as an arrow. No, I'm not.

No, no, it's in your mind. No, I'm not.

Think "up, up, up." No, no, no, no.

In your mind say, "up, up."

"No, I'm not going to bend, I'm going to go up."

No, up, up. The mind says, "up."

The mind says, "up, up!"

Oscar...

Breakfast.

Thanks.

Oh.

I hope your eggs are all right.

I hope they're good.

I couldn't see the top of the stove.

Eggs are terrific, but where's the salt?

Salt?

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Oh... mm...

Oh... Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh... What about the ketchup?

Oh, no!

Don't make me go for ketchup!

What's the matter with you? What are you doing to me?

Can't you see I'm suffering?

How can you be so insensitive?

All right, I'll level with you.

I talked to Dr. Mellitz.

He said the only way to get you out of this pain

is to make you realize it's all in your mind.

Oh, don't give me any of that analyst jazz.

This is real.

I'm in pain, certified pain.

Felix, no matter how much you whine...

I'm not whining!

Or cry... I'm not crying.

I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself.

I'm gonna get on your back until you straighten up.

Buddy, don't you see it's because I want to help you?

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Now get the ketchup.

How does that thing work, Felix?

It stretches my spine so I can relax.

Hey, now I know who you remind me of up there.

Who? Howdy Doody.

Very funny.

I gotta clean this ceiling.

Would you give me something to read?

How about a suspense story?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

What happened?

I keep hearing Felix scream.

I can't find him.

Hey!

It's the door.

The door. He's behind the door.

What are you doing up there?

Oh, just hanging around.

In this day of rockets to the moon, jets, Teflon...

you're bringing me a belief healer?

I know it sounds wild, but Murray has seen him work.

He'll vouch for him.

Who's gonna vouch for Murray?

Where did he find this miracle man?

In jail.

Where?

In jail. In jail?

Yeah, but he's innocent. It was a trumped-up charge.

What charge? I don't know, something about fraud.

Oh, my! Oh, please, Felix,

I swear Murray says this guy's terrific.

He saw him straighten out three drunks in two days.

You think being locked up with no booze

may have had something to do with it?

Details. Details. Believe...

Come in.

Hi, everybody.

Say hello to Arnold.

Hi, Arnold. It's the man on the couch.

Bad back, huh? Don't touch me.

I have to touch you if I'm gonna heal you.

Heal. Heal. Stand up straight.

I can't.

Concentrate.

Do you feel the power within me?

No.

Well, I gave you my best shot then.

Good night.

That's his best shot?

Arnold's not one of your pushier healers.

You either feel his power or you don't.

Felix didn't.

Well, it was worth a try.

Man couldn't heal chapped lips.

Come on, Felix, put on your coat, please.

Oscar, I'm not a quitter.

Honestly, this time I really don't think it's in my mind.

I know you can do it.

Look, we'll work. I will practice.

Next year, we'll make the finals, you'll see.

What's gonna happen next year?

You'll get a cold sore, a stubbed toe.

You'll get a hangnail.

Your sarcasm is wasted.

Hey, come on, you guys ready?

Ah, it's no use.

When the going gets tough,

the tough get going,

and the quitter stays home and whines.

Good luck, fellas.

Well, Unger, choked up again.

When the going gets tough, Unger quits.

I'm ashamed to be your conscience.

Cut it out. My back hurts.

Your back hurts.

It's always some excuse, isn't it?

Come on.

Lay off.

You going to let your friends down?

Let yourself down?

You can do it, Unger.

Yeah?

Come on, show some courage.

You can be strong.

You can do it.

Try, Felix, try!

Go down there and show them the meaning of the word "guts."

"Courage" is another word for "Unger."

Go, Felix, go!

I'm going!

You forgot your ball.

Thanks.

Come on, fellas, look alive, will ya?

Look alive for what, to get killed?

Yeah, what chance have we got

with just the three of us playing tonight?

Hi, fellas. Hi, Ernie.

Hey, Madison. I'm sorry,

you'll have to wait till after the game

to collect your money.

It may not be so easy.

I'm a man short myself.

Klemble picked today of all days to get married.

Hey, congratulations, Klem.

Thanks, Mur.

They're leaving right away for a honeymoon.

He can't bowl.

What's he doing here?

Ah, he came down to wish us luck.

He's wishing you luck?

Hey, would you let me substitute for him

if I let you substitute for Unger?

Okay, I'll take Al Reilly.

Oh, no fair, Reilly's practically a pro.

I was going to use Eddie Collins.

I'll tell you what... Let me have Reilly,

I'll let you have Collins and Joey Bellows.

Are you kidding?

Bellows stinks.

You can use Reilly if you use Bellows,

and then I'll use Collins and Harrelson.

Harrelson? Billy or his brother Fred?

Billy.

Oh, no, Billy's too good.

I mean, if you're going to use Harrelson, Collins and Smith,

then let me use Reilly, Alston

and Alston's cousin Dougy.

Then I'll play Bellows.

You mean if I use Harrelson, Collins and Smith,

you're going to use Reilly, Alston, Dougy and Bellows?

Yeah.

Deal. Deal.

Okay. Oscar.

He's right.

About what?

None of us are in the game.

So what?

My team isn't either.

Hey, then why play each other?

No, that's no deal.

Look, we got three guys and we play

and you got three guys and you play.

That's all.

A quitter never wins

and a winner never quits!

Felix... you're going to bowl?

Unger bowls tonight.

Ow. Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't feed the admiral's cat.

O'Herlihy, we got our fourth man.

You got to bowl your fourth man.

I'm sorry, Klemble,

it looks like you're going to have to bowl.

Yeah, but what about...?

Well, you can, you can leave right after the game.

We didn't even stay for the reception.

Sorry, we need him.

Sorry, honey, I got to stay.

But, Frank...

Well, we'll catch a later plane, okay?

But, Frankie...

Well, it's just one game, ten frames.

♪ ♪

He missed.

Nine pins, two balls, and we're the champs.

Nine pins... if anybody can do it, you can do it.

We've been waiting for this, baby.

There you go, there we are.

Nine pins.

You're hot, baby.

Shh... Shut...!

That's only eight pins; we're tied.

He's got another ball, remember?

One ball, one pin.

If anybody can do it, you can, buddy.

This is the championship.

Five years we waited.

One pin, one ball.

Don't you let us down.

I know you can do it.

I'm glad. You're playing like a champ.

Go get 'em, baby. Oh!

What happened? What's the matter?

My back. Your back?

Here, let me help you.

Let me help you. All right, no fair!

Quiet, be quiet!

Have we all gone mad?

This is supposed to be a game.

We're supposed to be having fun.

What would be so terrible about a tie?

Look what wanting to win has done to us all.

My best friend doesn't care if I'm crippled for life.

Klemble ran out on his own wedding.

He stayed here bowling

while his bride was almost picked up twice at the bar.

Murray walked off his beat.

His cousin Seymour, a jeweler, is patrolling Central Park.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!

Throw the ball.

Oh.

Oh.

Aah!

Five years we waited and we're the champs!

Oh, come on, don't be mad, I'll buy you a drink.

Come on, let's go. Fellas.

Whoo! Oscar... Oscar.

All right, Unger, get up.

The game's over.

Oh, leave me alone, conscience.

This is not your conscience.

This is Leo Furth, the manager.

I've got people waiting for that alley.

Now get out of there.

You know...

I learned a tremendous lesson about myself today.

The subconscious mind can make a man do...

amazing things.

I learned a lot about myself.

I hope you learned something, too.

The obsessive need to win...

can drive a man crazy.

There is nothing so degrading...

so dehumanizing

as to see a man sacrifice his last shred of dignity

just to win.

Gin.

No, n-no, no, I wanted this.

No, no, no, I didn't mean to discard this one.

I meant to discard this one.

No, you cheated.

You cheated!