Original subtitles

Myrna, the Billie Jean King file under "K," please.

Thank you.

Now get me the Bobby Riggs file under "P" for "pig," will ya?

Hi, gang.

Hi, Felix.

Ready to go for lunch?

Oh, no. I'm swamped. Can't go out today.

Oh, well, then we can eat in.

Okay, Myrna?

Listen, did you type up that Tom Seaver interview?

Myrna... Poor baby, what's the matter?

All right, forget about the interview.

Go out and get the lunch, will you?

Type up the interview later.

Get me a sandwich.

Get me a salami and jelly on rye,

and hold the pickle, okay?

What do you want, Felix?

Oscar, she's crying.

Tell her what you want, will you?

I... a Chef's salad...

Never mind, I'll have whatever he's having.

Oscar?!

How can you let her go out like that?

You're right.

I forgot to order drinks.

Myrna!

I'm getting a salami and jelly on rye.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

She's gone. Oscar.

What? She's crying.

I know she's crying.

Why is she crying?

The usual thing... A broken romance.

Aw... that's terrible.

Poor Myrna.

It's nothing new.

Oh, you're a cold cookie, you know that?

Will you cut it out. It's not that.

She always has trouble with boyfriends.

Who is it this time?

A guy named Sheldon.

Sheldon?

That's the way... "Hello, Sheldon."

What happened?

I don't know. He left a note.

Didn't say where he was going,

when he was coming back or anything.

Oh, cold cookie.

Cold cookie.

Oh, will you cut it out. Hold this, will you?

She'll find the right guy, don't worry.

I'll buy that.

You'll buy what?

We'll find her Mr. Right.

No, no, no, no.

I didn't say "we'll" I said "she'll" find the right guy.

No, no. We'll help her.

You know everybody. You're in sports.

You know every eligible man in New York.

Oh, come on. Here it is, Felix.

What, you want me to get her a date?

Why don't you get her a date?

You know all the young guys.

Come on, why should a lovely person like Myrna suffer?

Because if you love, you suffer.

Now, I can feel for Myrna,

but I can't let her love life interfere...

I can't butt into her life.

When my friends are in trouble, I feel it, buster.

I make it my business.

What am I supposed to do with this?

File it.

Where, how? I don't... Who cares?

You satisfied?

Perfect.

What I want to know is, about Myrna,

are we going to row this boat with two oars or one?

All of a sudden we're in a boat?

All right. After lunch, I'll get her a date.

You promise me? I promise you.

All right.

Where do we eat?

Where do we eat?

You're only having a sandwich.

Since when do I eat standing up?

I don't see a place.

There's your place.

And there's your doily.

Aw... hi.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

I'm here for my blind date. Yes.

How do I look?

Terrible, huh? I'm going home.

No. You look beautiful.

Now, don't talk that way.

Not every girl gets a date with a great big football star.

Look what Uncle Felix made for you?

An official chopped liver football.

See how I made the laces?

I did it with little anchovies.

And the valve where you pump it up...

That's an olive.

I'll tell him you made it.

That's cute.

I really appreciate all you're doing, Mr. Unger,

but I'm not so good with blind dates?

I don't want to hear any more talk like this.

Now, Uncle Oscar's fixed you up

with the leading scorer in professional football.

He's gonna be crazy about you.

Why?

May I present Zeeno Koraciden,

the best placekicker in pro football,

by way of Albania.

Keek.

I want you to meet

my roommate, Felix Unger.

How do you do. Keek.

And this is Myrna Turner.

How do you do? Keek.

Oscar... may I speak to you a moment...

about your typewriter?

What's the matter?

You see... What?

That's the star athlete you found?

Well, at the last minute,

the best I could come up with was Zeeno.

Doesn't look too promising, does it?

Why, because he doesn't speak much English?

He doesn't speak any English.

"Keek" is not English.

Yes, but he's one of the sweetest, warmest guys in the world.

I'm telling you, they'll get along great.

Just leave them alone, okay?

I gotta go. Good night, everybody. Where are you going?

You know where I go every Tuesday.

Keek.

Keek. Keek.

It's interesting to see the different cultures mixing.

Oh, keek. No, no, no, no!

That is eat. Eat.

Not kick.

Myrna, show your date how we Americans eat a football.

Al, now, come here.

See the girl sitting at the end?

Freshen her drink, but don't tell her who sent it, okay?

Oh, who's this from?

Oh, did you send this drink over?

Yeah.

That's class.

Now, sit down. Sit down.

Hey, Al...

I seem to be striking out all night here.

What is it, me?

Hi, Mr. M.

Where's Zeeno?

Didn't you have dinner?

He keeked it out the window.

Now, you just sit here and look desirable.

Oscar... What'd you bring her here for?

Well, you come here every Tuesday night

and you say it's a great place for singles.

I couldn't let the whole evening end

with the rolled roast sailing out the window, could I?

Myrna is very down.

Yeah, but suppose nothing happens for her here?

You just watch the old pro in action.

Al, nothing.

Well, struck out.

The most beautiful girl in the world,

can't get a tumble.

And brainy, too.

Phi Beta Kappa.

Maybe she'll dig you.

Did you ever have one of those nights?

Tonight.

You and me both.

Most beautiful chick in the world,

just waiting for Mr. Right,

and I'm Mr. Wrong.

I'm Mr. Right.

Hey, you just could be, buddy.

You take my stool.

Take my drink.

A live one.

Hiya, doll.

Hi.

Leo.

Myrna.

No, I-I mean, what's your sign?

My sign's Leo.

Oh.

I don't know... November.

Scorpio.

Is that good?

Well, my horoscope said tonight's a good night

for Scorpios and Leos to get together.

You here alone?

Yeah, I've been alone all week.

I'll put an end to that.

You live alone?

Uh-huh. Great.

But I was thinking about moving in with my mother.

She hurt her wrist and she has one of those

plaster casts on,

and you know how cumbersome they are.

So she has to take a coat hanger

and dig in there to scratch, you know.

I used to get hives all the time,

just like that... They really are annoying...

In the summer, I get prickly heat.

Cut it out.

If you're not gonna pull your oar, get off the boat.

But she wasn't even trying.

It's my pleasure.

Myrna, you weren't trying. What's going on?

I tried, but I can't. Why?

Halfway through, I lost interest.

Why, why, why?

"Sheldn."

Aw... Aw...

I didn't know it was that important to you.

We were talking marriage.

I had no idea.

Oscar told me it was just another romance.

You listen to a man who eats salami and jelly sandwiches?

You go to the ladies' room and freshen up.

Here's a quarter.

Thank you. I'll handle this.

So, on my second safari, I knew a lot better.

Bring a lot more medicine, be prepared.

Because after all, there were 40 guys...

You bum! Felix...

Felix, cut it out! You bum!

You're embarrassing me here. Will you cut it out?

You told me Sheldon was just another romance.

I've got a hot flash for you, mister.

She's in love with Sheldon.

They were talking about getting married.

We'll talk about it later.

I said to my gun bearer, Mwamba... Your gun bearer?

He was never in Africa in his life.

We've gotta do something for Myrna.

Felix, please, later. I'm busy.

Too busy to talk about a broken heart? Yes.

There were 200 excited elephants...

Would you mind sliding down one, please.

This is a human life at stake.

Did he tell you he knows Kissinger, too?

What would you say if I told you

that starting tomorrow

there's going to be a new Myrna Turner.

I'm going to make her over from head to foot.

Now, what do you think of that?

Now...

let us examine your assets and liabilities.

This is silly, Mr. Unger. No, it's not. No, it's not.

When you know what you want in life, you go after it.

You go. You go.

Naturally, you have to make certain adjustments.

Now, what is it you want?

Sheldn. Good.

But he doesn't want me.

Ah, you see, now you have a negative attitude.

You've got to believe in yourself.

You got to say, "I am great." And mean it.

I am great. But you don't mean it.

Say it.

I am great!

Good.

Now, we're going to make you over completely.

I thought I was great.

That's your attitude,

but your externals, your behavior,

we must modify your behavior.

Now, we're going to start with your walk.

Show me how you walk. Where?

Where? Here, walk.

You see? You see? You see?

Now, let me show you what you do.

Come here. Sit.

See, here's the way you walk.

See, this walk says, "I'll never get Sheldon.

I'll never get Sheldon."

You should walk like a lady, and your walk will say,

"Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am Sheldon."

See, the body high, the bust pridefully erect,

the long graceful stride,

the lengthy neck, the languorous look of mystery in the eye.

"Here I am, Sheldon."

You look terrific, Mr. Unger.

Now let's see you.

Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldn.

Here I am, Sheldn. That's very good, very good.

Here I am, Sheldn. ♪ Lovely to look at ♪

♪ Delightful to know ♪ Here I am, Sheldn. Here I am, Sheldn.

Here I am, Sheldn. ♪ Heaven to kiss. ♪

Here I am, Sheldn. Here I am, Sheldn.

That's good. That's very, very good.

Now sit. Was my bust pridefully erect?

Almost.

Now, look at the way you sit. Look at the way you sit.

You sit like a frog, not like a lady.

A lady sits up, high.

The ankles, and the ankles only,

neatly crossed, dainty,

attentively leaning forward,

the elbow on the knee.

The look that says, "What is it, Sheldon?"

What is it, Sheldn?

Not "Sheldn."

"Sheldon."

No, it's "Sheldn."

They forgot the "O" on his birth certificate.

Legally, it's Sheldn.

Sit up. Sit up. Like a lady.

I'm not a frog, Sheldn. Yes.

Now, your voice.

The most important thing in a woman is her voice.

Your voice has a nasal whine.

I talk nasal?

"I talk nasal?"

You hear that? "I talk nasal?"

That's a good voice for an ambulance, heh?

But a lady's voice is captivating with its beauty.

It's in the the mouth

so that anything she says is interesting.

Captures the attention.

The simplest phrase, "How do you do?"

How do you do?

Give me a little bit more of it with the throat.

How... How... Do... Do... You... You...

Do? Do?

How do you do?

Fine.

Now, your laugh.

Bad laugh. Bad laugh.

Sheldn loves my laugh.

He's gonna like it better when you laugh like a lady.

A lady laughs with a bit of a titter.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

No, the hand over... Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

You use the hand as a fan.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Now, okay, fine.

You're at a smart cocktail party.

Smart, sophisticated people all around you.

You see a terribly attractive man standing here.

You wish to meet him.

He's surrounded by admiring women.

You come up to him and you say something interesting.

Go.

The walk, the head, the voice...

How do you do?

How do you do?

Have you ever been to a leper colony?

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Good morning, Mr. Madison.

You're late.

What'd you do, lose a heel off one of your shoes?

Very funny.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

What is that, “ho, ho, ho, ho”? What is that?

I'm practicing my titter.

Practicing your what?

How do you do?

Mr. Madison's office.

Yes, I shall, shan't I?

Toodle-oo.

Who was that?

'Twas your bookie.

What'd he want?

If you do not pay up, your posterior will be in a sling.

Will you file this for me, please?

I'd be delighted.

Again with the ostrich walk.

Look at this.

I don't believe what's happening here.

Look, Myrna, what are you do...?

How did you have your breakfast this morning,

straight or on the rocks?

You do carry on.

What is it?!

Why, whatever do you mean?

What is with the prancing, and the going, and...

What is that?

Mr. Unger is changing me over.

How do you like it?

I hate it.

I can't be a lady.

I sit like a frog,

I talk nasal, and I have an unproud bust.

Then why do you do it?

Because Mr. Unger said...

Again with Mr. Unger.

Don't you know the man is a lunatic?

You want to get Sheldn back,

you go to somebody who can do it for you.

You want class, you go to a classy guy.

Who's that?

You're joking.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I'm telling you, Debby's gonna get Sheldn back for you.

All you need is a little sex appeal.

That's what she's here for.

Just do everything she tells you.

Listen to me, will you? Okay.

Oh, my.

Yeah...

She's got a thing in her belly button.

So?

I can't do that.

Why not? I got an outie.

Just do what she says. Come on.

Let's start with the arms first.

Lift up your arms.

Loose. More like a snake.

Not like a cobra.

Like a regular snake. Come on.

All right, let's try the shimmy.

Bend your knees and shake.

Come on, do it. You can do it.

Come on... Look, can we try with the music?

Maybe it'll inspire her. Okay?

All right, we'll put it all together.

I can't do this.

This belly dancing will get Sheldn back,

I'm telling you.

♪ ♪

Ah!

This isn't gonna work.

Why?

He does it better than you do.

I don't know how you can eat at a time like this.

That poor girl's life is being ruined.

I did the best I could do.

No, you didn't. You just gave up.

Well, Unger doesn't give up.

What did you find out, Murray?

Well, after exhaustive investigative work,

I found that Sheldn...

There's no “O” in that spelling...

We know that. We know that, Murray.

Where did he go?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,

mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Where did he go?

Imglick's Lodge.

That's a resort hotel in the Catskills.

Ah. How did you find that out?

He left a note.

"I'm going to Imglick's Lodge."

Good detective work, Murray.

Good, good. So? So?

What happened at Imglick's Lodge? Ah.

I've never seen a place with so much bad luck.

The wind blew down the handball court.

Somebody stole the canoe.

The guy that leads "Simon Says" stuttered.

It took so long, everybody missed the Happy Hour.

Murray, what about Sheldn? What happened to Sheldn?

Oh, he had good luck.

Yeah? What? What, what? With girls.

What girls? What girls?

Example:

Sybil Spitz, female Caucasian, five feet seven,

110 pounds and great legs. You're kidding me.

Murray! About Sheldn?!

Well, he was hanging around with two very sharp chicks.

You know, the rock type

with silver confetti stuck on their face?

Confetti? Yeah.

Glitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flashy.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what Sheldn likes?

That's what Sheldn'll get.

Now I know I'm on the right track.

Good work, Murray.

Yeah?

Hi, I...

I thought there was nobody here.

I couldn't hear you. I was in the bedroom.

What do you want?

I'm Sheldn Stimmler.

Sheldn?

Hey, you got that name right.

Most people leave in the "O."

Come in, Sheldn.

I thought Myrna would be here.

She left a message on her service, so I...

She's out with my roommate, Felix.

She'll be right back. Sit down.

Uh, maybe I should leave a note.

You left enough notes already. Sit down.

I don't understand you, Sheldn.

I mean, Myrna's one of the greatest girls in New York.

She's great. She's cute.

She's cute. She's funny.

Funny. I mean, it's very hard

to find girls like Myrna.

Hard to find.

You know you're saying a lot of nice things about her?

Why not? I'm in love with her.

Then why did you run out on her?

I strayed. I strayed.

I was wrong.

What an experience. What happened?

Well, I-I went up to that Imglick's Lodge and, uh...

Yeah? You didn't like it?

Well, it-it was okay.

The f-food was good. Hot, plenty of it.

And, uh, the show was tops.

Jerry Vale and Corbett Monica... You can't beat them.

They-they-they-they always put on a good show.

They got that chemistry.

Will you forget about the chemistry.

What happened after the show?

Well, after the show, you go to the bar, you know,

to meet girls, and I-I met a few girls, and...

they were nice, but, uh, they were all flashy.

There was, uh, there was no substance.

They were insubstantial.

Phony? Phony, that's it.

They were all phony, every single one of them.

But not Myrna. No. No, Myrna...

Myrna happens to be very, very real.

You wouldn't catch Myrna in a place like that, no, sir.

How many girls did you meet up there?

About 200.

200 girls?

When I stray, I stray.

But I felt like such a jerk.

I mean, this isn't the real me.

This isn't the way I dress.

You know, of all those 200 people I met up there,

not one single person there had their own hair...

including me.

That was phony?

That's phony. It looked so real.

That's phony.

You see those muttonchops, those sideburns there?

Try that.

That's phony. Phony. Phony? It looked real.

That one there. Phony. That's phony, too?

Look at this one. They're all...

No. Ow. That's real. That's real.

It looks so phony.

Yeah, no, that one's real.

Ah, I cannot emphasize this enough, Mr. Madison.

Myrna is very, very real.

I hope she'll take me back.

What do you think, Mr. Madison?

You know women... you think I got a chance with her?

Oh, I think you got a very good shot, but...

let me prepare her. Okay?

Look, why don't you go wash all the glue off and all that stuff.

Get in the bathroom. Go, in there. Right.

Yeah. Oh, and Sheldn?

Yeah? The earring.

You'll take it off... Oh, yeah, thanks.

200 girls?

Oscar, prepare for a great surprise.

The new Myrna.

Funky, huh, Mr. M.?

Great? No, it's terrible!

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing with this?

What are you doing? Help me get rid of this.

What are you doing? Three hours...

Sheldn is in the bathroom! Sheldn's here?

How do you do? How do you do?

No, don't do that.

Don't do the belly dance!

What's the matter? He wants the real you.

Then why did he leave me?

He didn't have a good time.

All he liked was Corbett Monica and maybe...

What was the guy, the comic, whatever he was...

And the singer, Jerry Vale.

Look, here's a note. It explains everything.

"Dear Myrna. I'm confused.

"I went away for a while and I didn't know what I was doing,

"and then I realized that you were

Very, very real."

Sheldn.

Myrna.

I strayed, I strayed. I'm sorry.

Did you stray?

No.

Thank you.

Myrna, did I ever tell you I loved you?

No, never.

I will. I'll write you a note.

You know, I missed that laugh?

Yeah?

Yeah. I was so lonely up there, Myrna,

I'm telling you, it was terrible.

I was playing handball, the wind came by,

blew down the whole court.

It was awful.

You shouldn't have left me, Sheldn.

I strayed. I'm sorry. What can I say?

Happy ending.

Well, Myrna, it was a beautiful wedding.

Mmm.

Thank you.

I wanted to stop by to give a special good-bye

because of all you've done for me.

Ah, nothing. Good-bye.

Good-bye. Where's Sheldn?

Oh, he's in the car.

My family's gonna drive us to the airport.

Uh-huh.

Mr. M., I'm quitting my job.

What?

It's Sheldn's idea.

Old-fashioned husband, huh?

Doesn't want his wife to work?

No, he wants me to get a better job.

Ah-ha.

Come in!

You ready, Myrna?

Sheldn's waiting in the car.

Okay. Uh... Oh, you've never met my family.

No.

This is my sister, Verna Turner,

and my brother, Werner Turner.

How do you do?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Sounds like stereo.