Original subtitles

Hi, Myrna.

Hi, Mr. M.

How come you got a sign on the front door...

"Use the Service Door"?

For the same reason I'm typing in the kitchen.

Felix shampooed the rug; it's still wet.

I can't even get to my room. I'm a prisoner in here.

Where do you go, uh...?

I use the Benjamin" apartment.

Here. Here's the first two pages for the column, all right?

I'll be finished with the other one in a second.

What's it about? Water polo?

What's that magazine?

Oh, it's your Playboy. It came in the mail.

Why'd you bring it here?

So you could read it.

I have it sent to the office for a reason.

Why? You're not married. Will you listen to me?!

If I have it sent to the office that's what I want.

Hi, folks.

Hi, Myrna.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Why doesn't he want this in the house?

What? Why doesn't he want what?

What have you got here?

This.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I told you I never want that rag in this house.

I tried to warn her, it was too late.

What have you got against the magazine?

Everything!

Never bring it back here again, do you understand that?

I didn't bring it in. Do you understand me?

Holler at her. I didn't bring it in.

Hey, look what I found in the hall.

Hubba-hubba-hubba.

Very nice.

A policeman on duty.

Hey, finders keepers, losers weepers.

Don't forget, the floor's wet.

Boy, after all the times I let him ride in my squad car.

Next time he sits behind the cage.

What has he got against the magazine?

Oh, it goes way back to when I used to work for Playboy.

How come you got fired?

What makes you think I got fired?

Who would quit?

Murray, you kill me.

That was my first job in New York.

I used to write copy and things like that.

The magazine was just beginning,

but Felix couldn't get started as a photographer, see.

He wanted to marry Gloria,

but he couldn't get enough money.

This is gonna be a long story, Murray.

Maybe you'll like it.

Anyway, one night he came to the apartment.

That's when it really was my apartment.

Oh, it had that nice lived-in look...

Jump shot.

It's good. Ties up the ball game.

Who is it?

Felix.

Oh, am I glad you came by, buddy.

You're just the guy I want to see.

That bad, huh?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

No luck again today?

I got one call.

An old lady wanted me to photograph her parakeet Winky.

I said yes.

Then she told me she wouldn't be able to pay me.

She said she'd knit me an afghan, any color I chose.

I even agreed to that.

Then she said it would take over a year and a half

because of her arthritis.

I don't know, I may turn it down.

I'm tellin' you, turn it down.

I need the sweater.

Black... to match my future.

I'm never gonna have enough money to marry Gloria.

Sure, you are.

I'm trying to tell you, your troubles are over.

I got you a job today.

Really? Yeah.

Where?! Wh-What...?!

Tell me... Playboy magazine.

The same one I'm working for.

I showed the art director your pictures.

I want to tell you, he flipped.

He said you're very talented. I am. I'm really good.

Oscar, oh, you're such a good friend.

Thank you, Oscar. Thank you. You don't have to thank me.

It was your pictures that convinced him.

Really? Yeah.

My talent got me the job.

I don't have to thank you. Yes, you do, I also got Gloria a job.

Doing what?

Cocktail waitress.

Cocktail waitress?

Well, it's at Hugh Hefner's club.

The magazine has its own club.

I mean, it's a classy joint.

Well, but tell me about me.

What do I do? When do I start? You start right away.

You have to do some tests for Miss April.

I don't understand.

Well, you-you take pictures of six nudes and they choose one

to be Miss April in the centerfold, see?

Nudie cuties?

You're not gonna be nervous about that, are you?

No, not nervous.

Listen, you know me... Easy Unger, Mr. Party Guy.

You're Mr. Party Guy?

I'm certainly not one of your repressed Victorian squares.

I'm an artist. I hang loose.

Oh, you shot nudes before then, huh?

Millions.

Oh, well, come on, let's go out and celebrate, huh?

I got a better idea. What?

Let's do something really great. Let's clean this room.

Are you kidding? We're gonna go out and celebrate.

We're gonna go to the club.

We're gonna drink a few drinks. We're gonna see Gloria.

We're gonna laugh a lot.

It's gonna be a ball.

You know, I like this room better in the dark.

Nice, huh?

Yes. I must admit I'm very impressed.

This is very lovely, indeed. Thank you...

Hey... Felix, please.

Only human.

I know, I know. Sit down.

It's a very, very pleasant place.

I'm glad Gloria has such a nice job.

Good. That's why I wanted you to see it.

Hello, I'm your bunny, Gloria.

Gloria!

Oh, Felix.

Shame, shame, Gloria!

Naughty, naughty Gloria! Cover your...!

Felix, please.

Would you explain... these are my working clothes?

Yeah, that's part of her costume.

I think she looks kinda cute. Oh, you do?

Don't look like that. Don't... Oh, come on...

Oh, Gloria, what have they done to you?

You look so brazen, so seductive. Sit down!

Felix! She looks like everybody else in this club.

All the girls you admired on the way to the table.

Don't compare my Gloria to those animals.

Sit down so they don't... Felix, please, I have got to get back to work.

Come on, will ya? You weren't upset by the other Bunnies.

I'm not engaged to the other Bunnies.

I hate this place! I hate it! Shh!

All right, all right, you hate it.

Handle it tactfully...

You watch yourself, pervert!

Gloria, I want you to quit this job! Felix, you're making a scene...

I want you to get out of here right this...

I can't. What can I... What can I tell them?

Just tell them your hop went bad.

I don't care what you tell 'em.

Turn in your tail. Get out of here. Come on.

Please, I've got to get back to work.

I'm gonna lose my mind.

I'm going to work for this organization, huh?

All you have to do is do a good job,

get successful, marry Gloria, then she'll quit.

Does she have to bend over

so much when she serves?

Gloria, do you have to bend all the way over like this?

Can't you go like this or like this?

Let me tell you something. I'm sorry I got you this job.

If you don't like it, why don't you quit?

'Cause I need the job.

You can't have it both ways.

All right, I'm adjusting.

Good. I'm fine, I'm fine.

We'll order champagne

and toast New York's best young photographer.

Spencer Benedict.

Who's that?

That's me. You don't think I'm gonna use

my real name for nudies, do you?

Eyes front, Mister.

That's very nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that looks just lovely.

That's just perfect. Perfect.

Now, could you make the poses

just a little bit more languorous,

you know what I mean?

A little more...

Put your hand behind your head like...

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?!

I'm only trying to help with the lights.

Oh, but you're good, you're good.

Aw, cut it out. Will ya?

You're helping me, no, no.

I really don't understand you. Why?

In a few minutes you're gonna be shooting six beautiful girls nude.

You're cool as a cucumber.

Well, this is my job. I'm like a doctor.

Just technical problems to me...

The color, the composition and all that.

Well, Oscar... Yeah?

I want to thank you very, very much.

You've been very kind to lend me your pad.

They didn't want a studio job.

They wanted this. It's just right, so...

The girls are gonna be here soon

so I think the time has come when you should...

What's the matter?

Oh, boy, oh, I got a sore throat.

I tell you it's moist out there.

Throat, my foot.

I know what you want, you dirty guy.

60% of showers, chance... You want to stand around and ogle the girls.

But, Felix... You can't do it.

I'll be okay. No.

I'll sit here, I'll behave. I'll be fine, honestly.

What am I gonna tell the girls?

"Don't pay any attention to that man in the corner,

he's harmless, his tongue is always hanging out like that"?

They won't stand for that.

Oh, come on.

How often does a guy get a chance to get in on the ground floor

of something like this? No!

Oh, I'll be the boyfriend. The what?

Whenever they do the story about a Playmate,

they always have the boyfriend along.

They're running together, they're skiing together, play horseshoes together...

You're gonna be the same boyfriend for all six girls?

They're only gonna pick one. You're not the type for that.

That's the swinging bachelor type, suave, debonair.

That's not... What am I, chopped liver?

At best.

You never saw me in my suave, debonair outfit.

Come on, we're going... out, out.

Felix, I didn't want to have to say this,

but you see, if you don't let me stay

then I'm not gonna let you use my apartment, see?

Well put.

Ah. You got it.

Great. Now, what'll I tell the girls?

I don't know.

You're here to write the captions.

She skis, she's a philosophy major,

she wants to be a policewoman...

Typical girl next door.

Oh!

Okay. Would you get that?

Hello.

I'm Brenda Martin.

Hello, Brenda Martin, I'm Spencer Benedict.

Now, you can go back and change in just a minute.

Tell me about yourself.

Are you a dancer or are you a model? I'm a dancer.

Aha, good.

Have you done this kind of work bef...?

Hello, my dear.

Hello.

I've got my eye on you.

Thank you. Good night.

Bye-bye.

Will you tell me what you're doing?

What was all that... heel clicking, the hand kissing?

You told me to be a gentleman.

Have you no conscience whatsoever?

Is there no end to your chicanery?

You told one girl you're an exiled polo player.

You told another you lost your eye in a duel.

You told that girl you're a Romanian prince.

Felix, you're not gonna believe this...

A lot of people take me for Romanian.

Yeah, pastrami lovers.

That must be the sixth.

Hello, my...

Oh, hi, Gloria, come on in. Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Gloria. Come in. Hi, Felix.

How'd you know I was here?

This is where they said you'd be working today.

Yeah, well, we'll have another hour or so.

We have another girl coming.

I know, I'm the other girl.

I'm Romanian.

I was wondering...

I don't want to...

You're shaming me!

She's taking off her clothes back there!

I don't know what to do.

She says if I don't take the picture, somebody else will.

When do we start?

Oh come on, take that idiot thing off.

What am I supposed to do?

I know... I'll use photographic tricks.

I'll superimpose the Eiffel Tower over her

and call her Miss April in Paris.

Why don't you shoot her with all her clothes on

and call it "April Fool"?

I could make her Miss December.

A Santa suit... She's carrying the sack

in front of her... Will you stop being...?

Felix, I'm ready. I'm coming out.

No, no, don't come out. Not, not yet, not yet.

Come on, out of here. Come on. Let's go.

What do you mean? I live here. Out. Amscray.

All right. Let me change my jacket.

You're not going back there. Come on, get out.

Why not? Felix, where am I gonna go? I don't know.

Wherever exiled, one-eyed Romanian polo players go.

All right.

I'll go see half a movie.

What are you doing here?

I work here. Remember?

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to meet the art editor, Al Fisher,

show him my pictures. Hey, how'd they turn out?

Nice, nice.

And what about Gloria's shots?

Overexposed.

Hey, now, you didn't cop out

with that April in Paris bit, did you?

No, she wouldn't let me.

She's totally unencumbered.

Oh, yeah? Let me see. No. Fat chance!

I'm not gonna use Gloria, anyway. Why not?

She's got a mole on her knee.

Who cares about a mole on her knee?

They want them perfect.

Oh, they don't want 'em that perfect. They...

How are you? Oh, hi, Al. Nice to see you.

How are you? Nice seeing you.

This is our art director, Al Fisher.

This is Felix Unger.

How do you do? How do you do? Hi.

Sit, sit, sit.

You got some pictures for me, right? Yes, yes.

There you are. Good, good. Let me see.

Sit back. Oh, come on.

Nice, nice... Nice, nice, uh...

Where's the sixth one?

Sixth one? Oh, yeah, uh...

You wouldn't like that one. It turned out badly.

Oh, I'll be the judge of what is good.

Felix, you contracted for six. Give him six, will you?

You're not gonna like it.

It, it's no good, it's, uh,

it's a total worthless waste.

I was, I was going to throw it away.

Worthless?

Well, we artists always hide our failures.

Will you sit back? All right, just...

She's beautiful.

Let me look at her in the light here.

Here let me look at her, too.

Will you bug off? Get back, get back. Oh, come on.

You too, mister, mind your own business.

I, I love that mole on her knee.

Oh, yeah, let me see the mole.

Go peddle your papers.

Felix, this is Miss April.

I, I think you're making a mistake.

I really do.

I got another one here that's really...

All five are better, as a matter of fact.

Well, if you want a third opinion, let me see...

You're not going to see this picture. Why not?

Everybody's gonna see it in April. No, they're not.

You can't print this picture. Why not?

Because. Because why?

Because... because it's a fake.

This picture is actually

of Oscar's doorman, Bud Downey, yeah.

It's amazing what you can do with an air brush.

I'm, I'm so ashamed of myself.

Hey, come on, give me Miss April.

No, you're not going to print that.

No, you're not. Over my dead body.

You can torture me.

You've got a contract, Mr. Unger.

I'm sorry.

I'll sue you!

I'll sue your head off!

I will, too.

I'll sue him.

How're you gonna sue him? It's a big corporation.

They got the best lawyers in the world. I'll get the biggest lawyer

in the country, Melvin Belli.

He's the only one who can do it. He wouldn't touch it.

Who needs him? I'll do it myself.

Felix, don't you understand you don't have a case?

Gloria wants the picture printed.

Oh, who listens to anything a girl

who walks around nude says?

I always have.

Be ready. I'm gonna put you on the stand as a character witness.

Order, please.

The case of Felix Unger

suing the Hugh Hefner Corporation.

Are you both satisfied with the jury?

We are, Your Honor.

Eminently satisfied, Your Honor.

Hi, Frank, how are you?

Bob... And a big hello

to Sister Evangeline of the Salvation Army.

You do good work. Wonderful organization.

Please, Mr. Unger,

when we recess,

why don't you just give each juror an apple?

Do you still want to handle your own case?

Yes, Your Judgeship, I do.

Very well, you may begin, Mr. Hoffman.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

I'll be brief.

Objection, Your Honor.

On what grounds?

My esteemed colleague is attempting to prejudice the jury

by being brief.

Thereby insinuating that I will be lengthy and boring.

Objection overruled.

Thank you, Your Honor.

It's an open and shut case.

He really has no grounds to sue us.

Mr. Felix Unger signed a legal contract

with Hugh Hefner Corporation

to supply us with six subjects.

He has only supplied us with five,

and he has refused to allow us to print the sixth.

Now, then,

I would like to enter into evidence

this contract marked as Exhibit "A".

May I see this, please?

Hmm.

You're building a case on this?

Look at this, Your Honor.

This is what he's building a case on.

He thinks he's got a case.

Is this the contract? Yes.

Is this your signature? Yes.

A heck of a case.

Legal minds may differ,

but it is our contention, Your Honor,

that I signed this mere scrap of paper under emotional duress.

He was under no duress.

Balderdash!

Very well.

We would therefore like to call

as our first and only witness to the stand

Mr. Oscar Madison.

He's gonna put my best friend on the stand.

He thinks it's gonna do him some good.

You blew it, buddy!

You had me on that contract business

and you didn't know it.

Now you blew it.

Mr. Madison, were you present

when Mr. Unger signed this contract?

Yes, I was. Good.

And will you please tell the Court

exactly what was his reaction to this?

Well... well, difficult for me to say.

Aw, well now, come, Mr. Madison,

I'm sure you can remember.

Tell us, how did he act?

Well, he threw his hat up in the air and yelled "Yippee."

Yelled what?

Yippee!

Yippee.

Well, no further questions, Your Honor.

Your witness.

Mr. Madison, where are you employed?

Playboy magazine.

I beg your pardon, what, what?

Playboy magazine.

Ah! Well, well, well!

And how long did you think you could keep that from us?

I wasn't trying to keep anything from you.

Your Honor, this man is obviously a stooge

of management.

A corporation puppet.

One of those little gray men

you see skulking through the halls

of any giant cartel.

Nameless, faceless men without scruples,

trying to claw their way to the top.

I think I speak for this entire court

when I say, you make me sick.

Get off the stand.

Mr. Hoffman...

Mr. Hoffman, any more witnesses?

Defense rests, Your Honor.

Mr. Unger,

you may present your case.

You will not find me unprepared, Your Honor.

I have contrived what I consider to be an uncontestable case.

I will cite legal ethics,

moral standards for the ladies,

publishing precedent

and good old common sense.

In order that the Court may judge

what sort of man stands here alone before it,

I will call to the stand as a character witness,

Oscar Madison.

You make me sick!

No further questions.

I believe this case will stand on its own merits.

Let's look, shall we, at the evidence.

Give me a break, Your Honor, this is my fiancée.

I don't want everybody staring at her like the other ones...

Please, Mr. Unger, we don't whine

in court. How would you feel

if a national magazine printed a naked picture of your wife?

Amazed.

Be that as it may,

that's your problem, not mine.

Now, now, Mr. Unger, the law is the law.

If the photo were obscene,

you might have an argument. It is. I know. I took it.

I'm an obscene photographer.

Well, that could be a point of contention.

Bring me the photograph.

No, I'd rather not.

What?!

Do I have a choice?

Yes. You can bring me the picture or be cited for

contempt.

Some choice.

Well, it's a bit irregular,

but as long as the jury is here,

why not let the jury decide? No, no.

Please don't, not not the jury. Bailiff.

Yes, Your Honor.

Even the bailiff gets to see it.

You haven't got a prayer.

They threw him back to the Minors, the guy was...

I love sports stories like that.

Am I interrupting something?

Felix! I got a message you wanted to see me.

Excuse me, girls.

I've been lookin' all over for you.

Where you been? Walking.

Where? Where? Walking.

I walked, I walked.

I kept thinking about April.

April used to be my most favorite month.

Spring housecleaning...

April showers bring May flowers.

Are you through feeling sorry for yourself?

In April, 15 million people,

30 million eyes, are gonna be staring at my girl.

What's my mother gonna think?

A woman who told me when I was a kid

if I read National Geographic I'd go blind.

Oscar.

Oh, hi, Hef. How are you?

Hugh Hefner, Felix Unger.

Felix. This is Hugh Hefner.

You think a big man like that could afford a jacket.

He's been very anxious to meet you.

What does he want of me now?

My well-built aunt from Cleveland?

Will you sit down and hold it? Let the man talk to you?

He needs to tell you something.

See, that a boy.

Be nice.

Well, Felix, I just got back from London,

and I heard about your problem.

You've come to gloat? No, I, uh,

I think you're kinda spunky.

Even though we won the suit,

I don't force people to publish their work.

We'll find someone else

for Miss April. You're gonna give me my picture back?

Mole and all.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're a wonderful man.

You look good without a jacket.

Nice meeting you.

Hey, who is gonna be Miss April?

Well, I think we're gonna use one of, uh,

Felix's other pictures.

You know, you're,

you're really quite a good photographer,

but a lousy lawyer.

Wonderful sense of humor. See you later.

You're a great guy.

You know, you're a lot like me in many respects.

You're civilized. I like that.

- Can I call you Hef? - Mr. Hef.

No, you don't! Give me that!

I want to see the mole, that's all...

Gee, Oscar, that was a great story.

I was totally enruptured.

Murray, you killed me again!

Hmm. You told them the whole sordid episode, huh?

One thing still confuses me.

What?

If Mr. Hefner was so nice to you

why are you still angry at him?

Well, can't you imagine the embarrassment I went through?

Two of those jurors called Gloria for years

after we were married.

The judge still writes to her.

You know, there's one thing that just eats at me.

What's that? Before I got

that negative back from the magazine,

some wiseacre up there made ten copies of that picture.

I got nine of them back.

And I won't rest till I find that tenth one.