Original subtitles

Oscar!

Oscar! What?

If I gave you a million guesses,

you'd never guess what just happened to me!

You got arrested for being a litterbug.

Wrong.

Guess where my coat is.

You'll never guess in a million years.

That's easy, at the cleaners. Wrong.

It's at Bellevue Hospital wrapped around a baby.

What are you talking about?

Less than one hour ago in Times Square,

I helped a woman deliver her baby.

Oh, I don't believe that.

I don't believe it either.

I ran to call an ambulance.

When I got back, the woman was giving birth.

I helped her right there on the sidewalk.

The first thing the baby saw was an X-rated movie marquee.

Are you serious?

Yes. You really did deliver a baby?

I was standing there,

this woman said, "Please help me, I'm having a baby."

Nobody paid any attention.

People walked just, they just went right by.

I had to put a dime in the parking meter

to keep somebody from parking on her.

You'd better sit down, you're shaky. Oh!

Come on. People are absolutely unbelievable.

Nobody would get me boiling water.

I had to go into the luncheonette and buy tea.

The woman is naming the baby after me...

Unger Woo.

Unger Woo?

But can you imagine, nobody even looked.

People paid no attention.

They just went right by. I know it's a jungle out there.

I can't believe it. There I was.

I was bringing a new life into this world.

You should have seen this baby right in my hand...

Oh, Oscar, I...

Yeah, nobody cares. I feel funny, I...

It's a jungle out there, I'm telling you.

Nobody's interested.

A guy could drop dead in Times Square and nobody would notice.

Nobody would look up.

People are only interested in themselves.

But I'm proud of you.

I'll tell you that.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Get the door, will you, Felix?

Will you get the door?

Well, if the guy goes out, doesn't tell me he's going.

Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.

Well, you all set to go bowling? Yeah.

I'm gonna get the ball. All right.

Oscar! What?

Well, you finally did it, huh?

Felix.

Don't play Mr. Innocent with me.

Get him up on the couch. Yeah.

Get some water. Are you all right?

Here, loosen his tie.

It's hard.

It's a double Windsor knot!

I taste beer.

Am I drunk?

Felix, you didn't drink anything.

You fainted. Are you all right?

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, this whole thing must have just got to me.

What whole thing?

He delivered a baby. Oh!

A woman's baby. Oh. Really?

Yeah. Tell him how it happened.

Oscar, I know how it happens.

Tell him how it happened, will you,

while I get my bowling ball.

Oh, Murray, what's wrong with people?

They walk right by crime, accidents, pregnancy.

The only thing they'll stop for is a suicide.

People love to yell, "Jump!"

Nobody cares!

Now, some people care, Felix.

You know, at the police station, we hold classes

for people who want to help their fellow citizens.

Really? Yeah, they're called Civilian Reserves.

I want to join those classes.

You should, too. You'd be a better citizen.

I'm a good citizen.

I vote, I cross at the green, not in between, I post no bills.

Come on, Murray, let's go. You hear that?

Sure, go ahead. Don't worry about anything.

Let someone else be concerned.

How would you feel if you were the father

of that child I delivered?

I'd feel awful.

I'd have a kid named Unger Woo.

Many concerned citizens are getting involved

in our training program,

and they are now working successfully

in their neighborhoods

as civilian police reserves.

Now, uh, two of our most recent graduates are, uh,

Mooney and Bibbo.

Nice uniforms.

Uh, you have another question, Mr. Unger?

Yes, uh, are we responsible for our own uniforms?

Yes, sir, you are. Uh-huh.

May I ask what material they're made of if you know?

Polyester.

Trash.

Now, as concerned citizens,

you'll be acting as an extra eye for the police.

Now, that's why you have been issued whistles.

Now, if any of you should hear any danger

or see any danger, all you have to do is use your whistle.

Right?

Okay.

Now, Officer Greshler will demonstrate.

One long blast... means "help".

Two short blasts...

means "everything's okay."

Hold it.

I think we should all write that down.

Mr. Unger, it's already written down.

Yeah, I meant on paper

so that we'll have it with us at all times.

All right. If you're taken prisoner, swallow it.

Ah.

A little levity, huh?

That's very good.

All right.

Now, I'd like to show you some first aid.

All right, thank you.

Thank you, Mooney.

Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

we are going to learn about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

All right.

Are there any volunteers?

Please.

Mr. Unger.

He asked for me!

Now this time, Mr. Unger, your victim is a baby.

Well, I'm very good with babies.

I just delivered one a couple of days ago, right on the street.

Goody-goody for you.

I have two of my own.

Unfortunately, they're not living with me now.

My wife and I are divorced.

My compliments to your ex-wife, Mr. Unger.

May we proceed, please? Yes.

All right. Now, please,

put one hand under the victim's neck.

That's right.

Now seal your mouth against the victim's

and emit air.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger,

we are not blowing up a Goodyear Blimp.

This is just a baby that we are trying to revive.

All you have to do is just puff, just puff. Ah.

All right, now, please, move the head down,

Mm-hmm. so then lift, lift the chin up.

Uh-huh.

Let's take a short break.

You gave me a defective doll.

I'd like to see him deliver a baby.

You were good. I delivered a baby on the street

the other day, all by myself.

Could you tell me where I could find Murray Greshler? Oscar!

Felix. Oscar, you came down.

Aw, you got concerned.

I got robbed.

Where's Murray? What? What happened? Where, who, why?

On our corner. I was trying to hail a cab

to get to the hockey game.

And a guy just came and stuck you up?

He even introduced himself.

He said, "Hi, my name is Phil.

Hand over your wallet."

Then two guys run from across the street.

Did they come and help you?

No. They took my cab.

Wow.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Well, what bugged me was all those people in the street.

Nobody stopped. Nobody cared. I told you that,

didn't I? I know you told me. I know.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.

Listen, I was robbed. What should I do?

Well, I'd report it to the police immediately.

That's why I'm here.

I thought maybe you'd show me some mug shots or something.

Oh, no, I gotta stick around here.

Hey, listen, go to the second floor and ask for Cunningham.

Never forgets a face. Cunningham, second floor, okay.

What did the guy get?

Everything I had in my pocket.

Eight dollars and a half a tuna fish sandwich.

Wow! Is that something, Murray?

It's nothing in my business.

All right. All right.

Can I please have your attention?

Uh, we'll continue with first aid a bit later.

Now, we're gonna have a judo class.

I am going to be the instructor.

I do not want any volunteers.

I want you.

Hey. Hi, Sherlock.

How'd it go at the police station?

Did you find the picture

of the guy who robbed you in the mug shots?

No, but I identified the two guys who stole my cab.

If you knew then what I know now,

he could never have robbed you.

Yeah, what's that? Hah!

What's that? I just broke your arm.

It's broken in two places.

I could rip it out by the socket.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, you were reaching for a pencil,

you could have been reaching for my wallet...

whack, no arm. What's that?

Judo. Oh.

We just learned that at the Police Academy.

I don't think judo works.

You don't? No.

Try standing up.

Hah!

Again, hah? Broke your neck.

Your head is now totally inoperative.

Oh, come on, will you? No, no, I'm not joking.

This really works. Yeah?

Hah! Again with the hah.

Look at this man.

I splattered your patella.

You'll never walk again, mugger.

Now do you believe me? Come here.

I'm gonna teach you something that will save your life.

How can I come there?

I got a broken neck, a split patella,

my arm doesn't work.

I'm gonna tell you all about the Civilian Patrol.

We get to go out on patrol.

We wear badges. We wear hats.

They gave us this whistle.

We blow the whistle if there's ever a crisis.

Whoa!

What's with the "we"? What's that "we"?

I signed you up as my partner.

You signed me up as your partner?

Well, I don't want to go with Miriam; she's a scaredy-cat.

How could you put my name down without asking me?

Why not? You complained about public apathy.

I'm getting the whole building involved.

You don't want to be the only holdout.

Oh, but I don't believe this Civilian Patrol

is going to do any good.

You don't? No, I don't.

I'll show you something. What?

You're a mugger.

Now, put your fingers together like that.

Like what? Just like that.

Like that? Hah!

Try to get them apart.

You can't do it.

No, and I can't get the mugger

to put his fingers together like that either.

I'll show you something else.

Now, come at me with a gun.

Pow!

All right, we'll forget about guns.

Now, we'll have a real-life street scene.

All right, you're going to try to mug me.

You're hiding behind here, hide back here.

This is a fire hydrant.

What am I going to do, mug a dog?

I'll be walking along, you're going to throw a right at me.

I'm gonna grab your arm,

I'm gonna flip you over my shoulder senseless.

You're going to flip me over your shoulder?

I just did it to Miriam; it works like a charm.

Don't worry about it.

Now here I come along,

I'm walking along nonchalant...

Hah!

I thought you were gonna put me over your shoulder.

Yeah, yeah, but it works, you see.

Is this the way we're gonna walk to the police station?

Felix, you're supposed to blow your whistle

if you get into any trouble.

I know, but if he attacks me, I'm gonna flip him.

Wait... All right, all right, okay, okay, okay.

I'll go on patrol with you.

Ah, you feel safe with me, huh? No.

But while you're carrying the mugger on your back,

you're gonna need somebody to blow the whistle.

Oh, boy!

You're a fine-looking officer, you know that?

Thank you, sir.

May I help you, sir?

Metropolitan Opera House?

Four blocks to your right, sir.

Thank you, Luigi.

Thank you for the apple.

Stop thief!

You know you're not supposed

to blow that whistle unless there's a crisis.

It's a crisis looking at you.

Let me... What?

Oh, Oscar, look at you.

What's the matter?

Well, you've got a cigar in your face.

Your badge is on the wrong side.

It's supposed to be over here.

You're wearing white sox.

What have you got to say?

Let's go is what I say.

If you don't respect your uniform,

it won't respect you.

Let me see your hands.

Good, they're clean.

What difference does that make? Well, if you frisk a man,

you don't want to soil his clothing, do you? Oh! Come on!

Where's your hat? Here. Here.

Not that hat. The regulation hat they issued you.

I don't want to wear it. You've got to wear it. Put it on.

No. Where is it?

It's in the closet, but I don't want to wear it. Why not?

Because it doesn't fit!

Carry it, then.

What are you doing now?

Just checking the premises.

Looks like an all clear to me.

Let's go.

Uh-oh. This looks like trouble. Cover me.

What's up? Wait, wait.

Hold it right there, mister.

My partner and I would like a word with you.

What partner?

I've got a partner.

He's out checking other wrongdoers.

What's that you got there?

You mean this item?

It's my TV set.

Who are you?

I'll ask the questions.

We're Civilian Patrol.

Who are you?

Mort Bennick, 11-0-3.

Oh, yeah? I live right in that apartment there.

I happen to know that's Filerman's apartment.

He went to Europe. I'm subletting.

Sure, and all aspirins are alike.

You always walk around carrying a TV set?

No, do you?

All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Come on, let's go.

We'll go down to the station. Now, come on.

There's my partner. Now, where were you?

On the fourth floor.

What's going on here?

I caught this bimbo stealing a TV set.

What are you talking about?

This is my TV set.

Oh, yeah? What's the serial number?

How should I know the serial number?

Do you know your serial number on your TV?

96133F.

You shouldn't have asked. Let's go, loser.

Down to the station house, come on, let's... Just stand there.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Against the wall. Don't try anything funny.

I've got eyes in the back of my head.

Felix, can I talk to you? Look, you...

Hey, you can't arrest a man just because he's carrying a TV set.

I can smell a crime a mile away.

I think we can get a full confession out of this baby.

I'll be the good cop, you be the bad cop.

All right, bozo, looks as though you're in luck.

Bozo?

I want to go easy on you,

but my partner here wants to beat you senseless.

I think if you give us a full confession,

I can get him to calm down.

He's an animal.

Want a cigarette?

I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Does the police know about you two guys?

All right, buster, you asked for it.

Go ahead, Oscar, do what you have to do.

Look, you look like a nice guy, so you can go.

Thanks. Good-bye. No! No!

Felix, what's the matter with you?

Cover me, Oscar.

What? What's going on?

What are they doing to you, Mort? For goodness sakes.

Do you know this man?

I'm his wife.

Maybe you'd better frisk his wife, too.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

I saw you walking with a TV set, and I...

I was taking it down to get it repaired.

Oh, oh. Since you were going to have it

repaired anyway,

do you think the warranty is still good on it?

Let me take care of it.

Send me the bill, please let me do it.

Thank you.

Felix, you're acting like the Blue Nut.

Have you learned a lesson?

Yes, all of this could have been avoided

if the man had known his serial number.

Oscar...

can I come over and sit with you, please?

Please?

I don't want to sit over here all by myself.

Let me sit with you, huh, please?

All right, it's my first day on the job.

I... I was over-enthusiastic, I admit that.

But let's be partners again, huh, please?

You know me, you know my character.

You know what I'm like.

I'm an eager beaver,

but isn't it better to be too concerned

than just not to care at all?

Yeah, but you always imagine things.

Then you get us in trouble.

What are you looking at now?

Don't start anything.

I wasn't imagining things.

That man's carrying a gun.

Hey, go outside and blow your whistle.

Blow your whistle.

Cover me, Oscar.

Cover you with what, my hat?

Felix... Hey, buddy?

See that badge?

Civilian Patrol.

See this?

New York City Narcotics Squad.

Hey, Oscar, he's a narc!

Oh, come on, Oscar.

Just two more hours of hall patrol,

then we're through for the night.

I'm through now.

You can patrol the hall alone.

All right.

Yellow belly!

Hope you sleep well and warm

in the secure knowledge that Felix is patrolling the halls.

It's all right, folks, it's all right.

Just part of the program

to provide for your safety and well-being.

May I say that you all responded magnificently.

Go back to your beds,

secure in the knowledge that Felix is on the job.

Thank you all. Go back to bed.

Oscar, may I say that you were not the first one out.

Looks a little bit bad for your roommate.

Slacker!

Oh, it's just me, Felix.

Miriam, don't skulk around the halls like that.

I... I'm sorry.

If I blew this whistle, the entire eleventh floor

would be swarming all over you.

I just thought you could use a chair and some magazines.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Thank you, thank...

Didn't there used to be a chair here?

It was stolen.

Well, that's not gonna happen while I'm on patrol.

Your chair is safe with me.

If anything goes wrong,

I just blow this whistle.

I've got the best floor in the building...

The fighting eleventh.

I don't know about that.

The eighth floor is awfully good. The eighth floor?

Yeah. They don't have our deterrent power.

Nothing but women and children down there.

Yeah, but they've got the spirit. Spirit?

Yeah. Do you want to see spirit?

I'll show you spirit.

Thank you, everyone.

This has been a drill.

There is no real emergency.

Go back to your homes.

My whistle and I are on the job.

Blow that thing once more,

I'll ram it right down your throat!

Amen!

May I suggest

that you reserve your hostility for the burglars, sir?

Same goes for you, son.

What a floor. Great floor!

Good night, Felix. No fooling around on duty.

Ah. Yes, sir.

Hey, Cosmopolitan.

Great!

Let's see.

Hey, a sex quiz.

Good.

Never.

Uh-huh. Occasionally.

Hmm.

Now, let's see my score.

85.

Above average.

If I'd had one more "always," I'd have been exceptional.

Time to patrol a little bit.

On the job.

Freeze!

Hold it right there, mister.

You're under total surveillance!

All right, turn around very slowly.

Mister, when I blow this whistle,

every door on this floor is going to open,

and all the concerned citizens are going to call the police.

Won't do you any good at all to head for the elevator.

Sometimes this little cork gets stuck. I can fix it.

All right, Fighting Eleventh, come and get him!

Probably calling the police right now.

Don't you come any closer.

Judo! Hah!

You have a run in your stocking, you know that?

Eighth Floor!

Eighth Floor, can you hear me?

Felix, uh...

I'm sorry I left you all alone on patrol.

What could happen?

Anyway, see, you always go too far,

and then I get mad, and then I...

Anyway, I'm sorry, okay?

What are you gonna do? You gonna sulk?

You're not gonna forgive me?

I said I was... Serves you right.

My friend was mugged!

Mr. Unger, in appreciation for your assistance

in apprehending a known and wanted criminal...

How did you identify him?

I recognized his brand of stocking.

It is my pleasure to bestow upon you

the Concerned Citizens' Medallion.

Ready?

Thank you.

I want my patrol partner, Oscar Madison, in the picture.

Oh, come on, Felix, I didn't do anything. No, come on, come on, yeah.

Full uniforms, please. Full uniform.

Put on your hat. Oh, no, no.

Make him put on his hat. Oh, come on, will ya?

Right here.