Original subtitles

Oscar?

Oscar? Huh?

Hey. Wha-What?

Hi.

Hi?

What time is it?

Almost 3:00 a.m.

What's the matter?

Is the apartment on fire?

No.

Then get out of here.

I've got to talk to somebody.

I haven't been able to sleep for three nights.

Neither have I.

I've got insomnia.

I'm going out of my mind.

Look at me, look how awful I look.

My face is all gray.

It's dust on the mirror.

Don't clean my mirror or you'll get seven years bad luck.

How do you get to sleep?

Tonight I just worked till I was sleepy.

And you just went to bed, huh?

I was already in bed.

Astounding.

I had this in the army.

I finally fell asleep on guard duty.

Felix, will you get out of here, please?

Turn out the light and get out of here.

Another human being in distress...

I don't know what to do.

Sit up in bed and stare at the wall

and stare at the ceiling.

Wander around the house like an idiot.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't sleep, it's agony.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar, breakfast.

I'm here.

Let's eat.

Boy, are you in bad shape.

Eat your pancakes.

I would if I had some silverware.

I gave you silverware.

You gave me three knives, Felix.

What am I going to do here?

I've got three forks.

I'll raise you two spoons.

What do I win, the centerpiece or something?

Where's the syrup?

Maybe the reason you can't sleep is you need to be with a girl.

Why don't you take Miriam out tonight?

I'm too tired.

I'll get the bacon.

Felix, this is floor wax.

I'll wax the floor later.

You'll be waxing the floors at Bellevue

if you don't get some sleep.

Look at this here.

I like my bacon a little crisper than that.

I'll cook it.

I'll get it.

Floor wax and raw bacon.

It's not exactly the breakfast of champions.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hello, Myrna.

Hi, Mr. M., I found those clips you wanted.

Let him in.

Forgot where I was going.

You all right, Mr. Unger?

You seem a little unoriented.

Leave him alone.

He hasn't had any sleep for three nights.

Oh, Mr. Unger, you should go to bed.

He's been to bed, he can't sleep.

He's got insomnia.

Oh, I didn't want to insult you

and tell you how terrible you look,

but now I can tell you.

You look terrible.

Thank you.

Do you want some coffee?

Sure.

Cream and sugar?

Uh... no, thanks.

I like it orange.

You know, I had insomnia once.

How'd you get rid of it?

Sleeping pills.

I can't take sleeping pills.

My body chemistry is all cockeyed.

Sleeping pills make me wide awake,

deodorants make me perspire.

That's funny.

You ought to will your body to some university.

I've had offers.

One from me.

Come on, let's get to work.

It's the only way I'll get some sleep.

Good-bye, Mr. Unger, and good luck.

Gee, the things that happened to you,

you could write a book...

and now you'll have the time.

They're making jokes

and I'm drinking orange juice with cream and sugar.

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the brave. ♪

And that concludes another broadcasting day.

Join us when we return to the air at 6:00 a.m.

What am I going to do till 6:00 a.m.?

Let us pray.

Let me get some sleep.

Please let me get some sleep tonight.

Oh... what to do?

Wander around?

I need human contact.

I need someone to talk to.

Oscar won't.

Hello, Miriam?

How are you, sweetheart?

It's Felix.

Felix.

Listen, did you see the late, late, late show?

Well, it was really a doozer.

Barton MacLane played a good guy, see?

Yeah, it was a comedy.

He was Harry James' agent

and the band is traveling through a small town in Idaho

and this gal who works in the box office is Vera Hruba Ralston

and she wants to sing with the band.

Well, guess how she connives

to get a chance to sing with the band.

Who gives a what?

That's a side of her personality I never knew.

Oh...

Bo-ring!

Come on, Oscar, breakfast, come on.

I called you five minutes ago.

Come on, let's go!

What do you say?

Hey, let's go!

Attaboy, way to go, way to go, come on.

Hey, I got your favorite.

Shirred eggs, sausage, muffins.

Come on.

Get the sandman out of your eyes.

Come on, get the sandman out of your eyes.

Come on. Felix, come on.

It was very difficult getting up this morning.

I feel like I just went to sleep, it was time to get up.

I don't even remember dreaming...

Oh, come, come on, come on.

Up we go.

Come on, here we are.

Taste your coffee, make you feel like a new man.

Isn't that good?

Sure it is. There you are.

Funny, I don't even need a shave.

What's it like outside?

It's dark.

Yeah, energy crisis.

Never mind the energy crisis.

Felix, it's dark!

It's going to be a nice day.

56 degrees, wind six miles an hour.

It's going to be beautiful.

What time is it?

4:00 a.m.

What, what, what?

It's 4:00 a.m.

4:00 a.m. in the morning?

You woke me up at 4:00 in the morning?!

You got exactly 30 seconds

to put the sandman back in my eyes.

I thought you'd like to pal around with me

till 6:00 a.m. when the TV comes back on.

Then you can go to bed.

Think of all the time you'll save.

When you get up, you'll have already eaten.

You're deranged.

Come on, relax. Eat, read the paper.

Why do I have to read the paper? I write the paper.

Besides, it won't be here for another three hours,

but when it gets here,

it's going to have your obituary in it.

He's crying, look at this, he's crying, look at this.

Knock me on the head, knock me out!

I'm going crazy. Oh, boy.

Stop all that, will you?

Let's try to figure it out, please.

Now, what's bothering you?

There must be something bothering you. No.

Think.

The rug needs shampooing.

I wouldn't lose any sleep over that.

No. What about work?

It's going fine, never better.

I just finished a big ad campaign for a watch company.

Yes.

Listen, how, how many nights haven't you slept?

What is it? Four nights.

Four nights, so it's got to be something...

Not one wink! ...that happened before that.

Four nights, not a second. Let's go back,

let's go back to four days, five days.

What happened then?

Think back. Nothing.

Think, like about Monday.

Monday? Yeah, start a rundown of the day.

My shirts came from the laundry. Yes.

They were in a box.

I like them on hangers; that made me angry.

That wouldn't let you lose sleep.

Come on now.

Got a letter. What letter?

Postage due. Yeah?

I had to trek all the way back to the post office

What was it? Turned out to be an ad for freckle cream.

I gave them such a piece of my mind.

That night I saw Gloria in the supermarket with another man.

Next day, Tuesday, on the subway a disgusting wino

sat down next to me. Hold on, back up.

Back it up a little... Back it up a little bit, please!

What? Back it up.

Monday,

my shirts... No, no, no, no, no,

between the freckle cream and the wino.

Yeah? You said something about Gloria?

Yeah. Yeah?

Saw her in the supermarket with another man.

You saw your ex-wife with another man?

Yeah, that doesn't... I've completely...

I've completely blocked it out.

Of course you blocked it out. That's it.

Of course that's it.

I'm jealous of the other man.

Sure, you know how jealous you are.

The last time you saw Gloria with another man,

you went on a hunger strike.

You would only eat foods that started with the letter "G."

For three weeks, all we ate was grapefruit,

gizzards and garbanzo beans.

You think that's it, huh? I know that's it.

Jealousy slays itself with its own arrows.

That's what's keeping me awake.

All right, now that you know what it is,

do something about it, talk to her...

I can't talk to her.

She's got a perfect right to go out with other men,

a right she exercises at every conceivable opportunity.

Besides, she hates me when I'm jealous.

And I hate you when your eyes are open,

so do something about it!

Where are you going?

Back to bed.

What should I do with the eggs?

You've got a coarse mind.

You know that?

Felix, did you take care of that thing with Gloria?

Yes. Good, I'm going to get a beer and I'm going to go...

Hey! Cookies, let me have one.

No, no, no... They're not for you.

What'd you make them for?

I had a brainstorm.

I hired a special investigator to find out

about that man with Gloria.

You gonna pay him off with cookies?

Yeah. He's just starting out.

What? There he is.

Where?

He's letting himself in the front door.

Doesn't he ring the bell? No.

He uses his credit card.

Special Investigator Greshler reporting in, sir.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.

What do you think?

Do I look like Columbo?

You look more like Dumbo.

This is my plainclothes outfit.

You see, underneath I've got my policeman's outfit,

well concealed.

I'm sure that's the way the force would want it.

Murray, what did you find out?

First, where are my cookies?

Give me the clues and I'll give you the cookies.

I got the clues right here.

Facts, just facts.

Suspect is male, white Caucasian,

five-foot-ten, blue eyes, brown hair.

I know what he looks like, Murray.

Suspect's name: Bud Herzog,

automobile insurance agent.

Talking to Gloria about her bumpers.

I'll kill him! I'll kill every Herzog

in New York! Felix,

she had had a minor traffic accident.

They were discussing a settlement.

How'd you dig all this up?

I asked Gloria and she told me.

All right, all right.

All right, listen. So what?

He cured your problem, right?

I'll be able to get some sleep. Murray, thanks.

I'll call you anytime I need a private nose.

Hi, Oscar.

Brought you some warm milk.

Help you get to sleep.

You sure? Okay, I'll drink it.

Mmm, good.

Just my way of saying, "Thanks, Oscar."

I guess I have been

sort of a pain in the rump to you these past few days.

But so be it.

Tell you one thing.

That Gloria thing has proved to be a blind alley,

'cause I'm wide awake.

I'm up.

Up as a pup.

Just holler when you're through, Barney.

Oh, boy...

Hey, old buddy.

Hi.

How are you?

Pretty good, thanks. How're you doing?

Oh... nice, nice.

I had a little nap today.

Really?

Yeah. I fainted in my darkroom.

I overdeveloped an entire bar mitzvah.

Well, it's all set up, Oscar.

Thank you very much.

Those playoff tickets are yours, Barney.

Thanks. And good luck with that thing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Who is that? I promised you that I was going to get you

a good night's sleep, and that's what I'm gonna do.

Keep my promise, and also, I'm gonna get some sleep.

Who is that guy?

He's in used furniture, come on.

Used furniture? Yeah. Will you come on?

What?

You're gonna be so surprised. What?

There you go.

What? You don't notice anything different?

I don't believe it.

Look at this: a water bed!

Huh, look at that!

You got me a used water bed?

The bed is old, the water is new.

They threw in all new water.

Hmm... Come on.

You try it, you'll like it!

Oh-ho!

I can't sleep on a water bed.

I need a firm mattress.

All right, we'll freeze it.

Come on, will ya?

Get in, try it.

Oh, look at that. Go ahead.

There you go. That's it.

Oh. Hold on.

There you go! Whoa.

There, rock. Ooh.

Just relax. Boy, that's it.

It's like sleeping on Jell-O.

I'm going to put on a record, okay?

What record? Oh, wait till you see.

This is a special record.

Special sound effects, see?

When you're lying on the water, you'll hear the rolling surf.

Yeah. Sounds of the sea.

What was that?

I put it on the wrong side,

auto high jinks.

Okay, go ahead. Go back to sleep.

Here you go. You promise me the sea. You nearly ran me over.

Okay, just relax. Yeah.

Here it comes.

Ahh, yes... Oh, listen to all that water.

Ah...

Where you going?

I got to go to the bathroom.

Sleep, Felix, sleep.

Oscar, let me try my plan.

What kind of plan is that?

You're gonna yawn, and he's gonna fall asleep.

Yeah, it's scientifically proven that

if you watch people yawn, it makes them tired and sleepy.

I'm not gonna be obvious.

I'm gonna tell him a sleepy story

and slip in some yawns.

Shh, I think he's coming.

Hi, Felix.

Five days.

What were you cleaning now?

My ceiling.

I've spent so much time staring at it,

I know every speck of dust on it.

It's clean now, so don't walk on it.

Haven't lost my sense of humor.

Listen, Murray wants to tell you a nice story.

A story? Yeah, a terrific story.

Go ahead, Murray, tell him the story, will ya?

Come on, right here.

Here you go. Hi, Myrna.

Hi. Right here's fine.

That's it.

Pay close attention to what I say.

I was just out walking my beat,

and I went past this great, big pillow factory.

All those great, big, soft, white pillows.

Inside, all the men were sawing wood.

Then they stopped

and drank some nice, warm milk.

It was delicious.

Then in came the sheep.

What for?

To jump over the fence.

One... two..., three...

How many were there?

Oh, I don't know, about 18.

Oh, this is not gonna work, Murray.

Felix, you asleep?

Even back in your own bed, you can't sleep.

What you got there?

Wait till you see, buddy, take a look.

Aw, look! All my old toys!

Yeah, I found them down in the cellar

with the rest of the junk that your mother sent last year.

You call a man's past junk? Oh, I didn't mean that.

My blankie.

What did you bring this stuff up for?

Well, you always told me when you were a kid,

you never had any trouble sleeping, right? Yeah.

I figured all this stuff back remind you

of your childhood, you'd sleep like a baby again.

My bib! My mother used to feed me...

Hey, you got a little spot.

Maybe you weren't so neat as a kid, huh?

My mother did that.

She could never handle a spoon.

Here's my favorite teddy bear, Mr. Friend.

I slept with him for five years.

Still got his cellophane on.

This is the original.

I wanted to keep him clean.

These things collect lint, you know.

Oh, I love him.

What else do we have? Oh, my books!

My stories! Everything, great!

All right, Felix, now, it's time to go to bed.

Oh, what neat stuff! Put your toys away.

No, no, please. No, no, you must go to bed now.

Just what my father used to do.

What else did your father do?

He'd say, "Good night, Junior."

Good night, Junior.

Aw, let me stay up five more minutes. No, no.

Please, aw, please? Junior, you must go to bed.

Junior! Read me a story.

Read you a story? My father always

read me a story before I went to bed.

Okay.

Is Little Red Riding Hood okay?

Yeah, yeah. I love that one! I love it.

"Once upon a time..."

This is your favorite part,

so sit up nice and listen.

"Once upon a time..."

Louder. He can't hear through the cellophane.

"Once upon a time, there was a little..."

"And Goldilocks got such a fright

"that she jumped right up

"and ran down the stairs,

"out of the house and into the forest.

"And Goldilocks never went back

to that little house again."

And Mr. Friend is asleep

and Mr. Enemy is wide awake.

You almost got me during Rumpelstiltskin.

There's nothing left to try, Felix.

I'm gonna check into a hotel and sleep for 88 years.

No, no, no, no, come on, it's still early.

It's only 11:30, come on.

Are you out of your mind? It's after 2:00!

No. Yes.

I thought it felt kind of late.

My watch has stopped.

My brand-new electronic watch.

How do you like that, after six days?

Six days you've had that watch?

Yeah. Where'd you get it?

You know that watch ad I did.

I told you, they gave me a watch.

What did you do with your old one?

Gave it to my assistant.

That's an electronic watch?

Yeah. Does it make a noise?

It goes "hmm" when it works.

And your old watch?

My old watch goes "tick, tick, tick."

What kind of question

is that? Well, you'll see.

Get into your position when you go to sleep.

Why? Go ahead. Do what I tell you, go ahead.

Will ya? Listen to Dr. Seuss.

There it is! What?

You see the way your head's resting when your wrist's there?

Yeah. You miss the ticking of the other clock.

Really?! I know it.

Tomorrow when you get your watch back from your assistant,

you'll sleep like a baby. But what about tonight?

I can't go through another night without sleeping.

I'll lose my mind.

All right, get into position.

Go ahead.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,

Tick... tick... tick... tick... tick...

tick... tick... tick.

Cuckoo, cuckoo!

Felix?

You asleep?

It's 5:00 in the morning. I can't fall asleep.

Want to cook me some breakfast?

Okay.