Original subtitles

Good!

Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!

We're good.

We're as good as when we were in college.

Think we're better. We're good.

Hey, Felix, thanks for letting me sit in

with your old gang.

Oh, that's okay.

Hey, too bad Oscar isn't here.

He would like to have sit in, too. Oscar?

Yeah. He told me he played bass drum

with his high school band.

That's amateur stuff. We're pros.

Well, for an old college band,

you sure sound professional.

Well, we could have been.

We were almost on Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts.

What happened?

Well, that was the week Arthur fired Julius LaRosa,

and he was down on all young talent.

I'll bet you could get on TV now.

I think that LaRosa thing has died down.

That's why I got you together, guys.

I've got a sensational idea on how we-we can get on TV.

Well, what show do you mean?

Monty Hall.

Let's Make A Deal?

I can't blow this horn dressed up like a chicken.

He's got a new show.

Monty's Hall of Memories.

Old nostalgia stuff.

We can do our golden oldies.

Monty's gonna love it.

I'm gonna get Oscar to ask him.

Oscar? Oh, yeah.

They're old friends.

They were in college ROTC together.

Some people say

that's what gave Hitler the courage to declare war.

Uh, uh, excuse us, fellows.

Take five.

Murray, I'm the leader.

Take three, guys.

Uh, Felix, uh, listen.

Uh, I didn't want to bring down the other cats,

but, uh, Oscar's mad at Monty.

I mean, things are not copasetic between them.

What are you talking about?

Well, Monty embarrassed him.

Remember when you guys went on Let's make a Deal

dressed up in that horse outfit?

Yeah. Well, I was there.

I wasn't embarrassed.

Yeah, you were playing the front of the horse.

A stroke of fate.

Oscar wouldn't hold a grudge.

That's months ago.

Okay, fellows, break's over.

Come on. Let's work. Let's work.

Let's do my biggie,

my sure standing ovation number.

Okay. watch the maestro now.

And one, two.

♪ Stumbling all around, stumbling all around ♪

♪ Stumbling all around, so funny ♪

♪ Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere ♪

♪ And I must declare ♪

♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪

♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪

♪ I fell and when I rose ♪

Can I talk to you for a minute?

♪ I felt ashamed ♪ Can I talk to you for a minute?

Can I talk to you for a minute?! You like it?

Like what? Yeah, it's nice, nice.

Tell the guys you liked it. I like it, guys.

He likes it. Will you come here?

I want to talk to you. What's the matter with you?

Did you see the paper? No.

On Monty's show tonight,

he's gonna show film clips

of when we were on Let's Make a Deal.

Oh, that's great. As a horse!

Well, I think that's wonderful.

My aunt in Cleveland didn't see it.

Now she'll get a chance to see it.

I'm never gonna talk to that Monty Hall

again as long as I live.

Oh, Oscar! Oscar! What a creep!

Well, what'd I tell you, Felix?

Looks like no Monty Hall.

Leave it to the maestro.

I can talk that man into anything.

I'm still living here, am I not?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar! Come on, come on!

Monty's almost on.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

You'll see the show, then you'll ask him

to put our band on, won't you?

Yeah. How can I ask a favor of a man

I'm not gonna talk to anymore?

You'll send him a note.

Yeah, if it's attached to a rock!

Since we went on the air

with Let's Make A Deal over ten years ago.

What's happened to you since then, Mrs. Abernathy?

Oh, so many exciting things, Monty.

You know my husband and I still haven't finished

all those ice cream bars we won.

You're kidding.

No, we're building our summer home

out of all those little sticks.

Isn't that...

Funny to you, huh? That Monty.

Thank you, Mrs. Abernathy.

And now, as we promised you, we have some clips

of memorable moments of the last ten years

of Let's Make A Deal.

Can we roll these, please?

Let' make a deal, Monty!

Let's make a deal!

This horse is a nag.

You want to make another deal?

All right, we'll take your ten...

The one in front, the front part of the horse...

That's Felix Unger.

And the back half was none other than Oscar Madison,

sportswriter for The New York Herald.

Ain't life grand?

Two friends of mine try

to get on the show in a horse's costume.

Oscar, what are you doing now?

Covering the races from the inside?

Come on out here, let's take a look at you.

Come on, Oscar.

Might as well.

Keep your sense of humor.

What about my sense of dignity?

They tried to con me out of some money, but I zonked 'em.

Oscar Madison, what do you want to do? Keep the squid.

Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?

Keep the squid? This is a trick! This is a trick!

Aw, come on. The audience loved it, and Monty loved it.

Go talk to him.

I am gonna talk to him through my lawyer.

You know I could sue him for putting that on

without getting my permission first?

I gave him permission.

That makes two guys I'm not talking to.

D-Didn't you think the color was good?

I looked cute.

Mr. Madison's office.

Oh, hi.

No, he's gonna be late this morning.

Did I watch the show?

Would I miss my boss as a horse?

I laughed.

That Monty, boy!

He really knows how to show the best sides of people.

Okay, I'll tell him. Bye.

Hi, honey.

Good morning, Mr. M.

Any calls?

Yeah, a lot of people saw you on that show last night.

How many's a lot?

Oh, about...

Are you finished, Trigger?

I'm sorry. I was only kidding.

I'm the only one who saw it, I'm sure.

Yeah, good.

What am I, the Godfather?

It wasn't me, honest.

It was Mr. Sarkesian, the night editor.

He thought it would be funny.

Yeah.

I'll tell him it wasn't funny.

Mm. That Monty Hall... When I see him,

I'm gonna give him such a clop,

he won't know door number one from door number three.

You'll never guess what's behind door number two.

Hi, Oscar.

Get out of here.

Well, I'll just leave you two alone and just go...

horse around.

Felix wasn't kidding, was he?

When'd you talk to Felix?

He called me this morning

to tell me how upset you were about the show last night.

Mm-hmm. Really, Oscar. I'm surprised at you.

Where's your sense of humor?

I just don't believe

that you'd get mad over a thing like that.

Yeah, well, we believe different things,

different ways of life, buddy.

But you guys were funny.

Admit it, you were funny.

Yeah. It was a good show and all in fun.

Fun for you. Come on!

Good Old Oscar.

Put a saddle on him, you can take him anywhere.

Oh, boy, you can dish it out,

but you can't take it, huh?

What do you mean, dish it out?

Well, think back to our college days.

You invited me to a masquerade party.

It turned out to be a formal dinner for the dean,

and I show up in a gorilla suit?

Huh? Yeah, that you like.

I think that's where you got the idea

for Let's Make A Deal.

Never mind. The main thing is that I did it,

you laughed, and I forgave you, right?

Yes, you did. That's right, even Steven.

Even Steven. You're right. Okay, but no more.

I don't want to see it on television...

Well, well, well. Mr. Hall! Hello, Felix.

Monty, the Muckraker, huh?

You came down here to gloat over the man

you humiliated last night in front of millions of people?

Felix, please. Felix, you told me to come down here...

Whatever, whatever. Look, if you make fun of me, who cares?

I'm an unknown photographer, but this man...

A respected journalist, a famous man...

To strip him of his last shred of dignity

in front of the whole country.

Felix, will you cut it out? It's all right now.

You hear that? It's all right.

There's a big man.

If you were as big as he, as compassionate,

you'd try to do everything in your power to make amends.

You'd try to do something really classy,

like, uh, I... Like what?

Oh, put a friend of his on your TV show.

Felix, will you please?

That's not a bad idea, but I can do even better than that.

You'll give his friend the whole show?

No, better than that.

You'll give his friend a TV series?

No. I'm gonna put Oscar himself on my TV show.

What would you want to do a thing like that for?

What can he do? He's nothing.

Hey, Oscar, you want to come on my show?

Look out for nothin', will ya? What do I do?

Well, we're doing a college nostalgia bit,

and we've been collecting some old film clips

of college football games, stuff like...

Who wants to see old film clips?

Yeah, and you could narrate the show,

and then do some of your sports stories.

Yeah. You could have a band.

The band could play college songs, marching songs.

And because I know what you can do,

I don't have to audition any of those crazy acts this week.

You know, a woman hitchhiked all the way down from Schenectady

to show me how she plays "Ramona"

on top of her son's head.

The pressure's really getting to me, Oscar.

You got to learn to relax.

You want to play softball with us tomorrow?

Yeah, I'd like to very much. Okay.

Then after the game, come up to the apartment.

I'll make some snacks. Yeah.

Come on, I'll buy you lunch. I want to tell you about...

Going out for lunch. Say, that's a good idea.

It's been so long ago...

Hey, where you going, guys? Is there a good place near here?

They're coming.

Oh.

How'd you make three errors on the...?

Well, well, well, how was the game?

Look, he liked the park so much,

he brought some of it home with him.

Yeah, look at this, huh? Felix, what is this?

Well, something broke down, we're having some repairs.

Everything broke down at the same time?

You ever have a day like that?

Go get cleaned up before you eat, come on, come on.

Dirtiest ball player I ever saw.

Monty, sit down, relax, take a load off your cleats.

Enjoy. Oh, thank you.

I made you a snack. Have a sandwich.

Oh, how nice of you. And a one, two.

♪ Stumbling all around, stumbling all around ♪

♪ Stumbling all around, so funny ♪

♪ Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere ♪

♪ And I must declare ♪

♪ I stepped right on her toes, and when she bumped my nose ♪

♪ I fell and when I rose, I felt ashamed ♪

♪ And told her that's the latest step ♪

♪ That's the latest step, that's the latest step ♪

♪ My honey ♪

♪ Notice all the pep, notice all the pep ♪

♪ Notice all the pep ♪

♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪

♪ Though you are stumbling ♪

♪ I like you just a little bit, just a little bit ♪

♪ Quite a little bit. ♪

Well, that's... That's a good idea.

Hold it here!

All right! What?

The amateur hour is over.

You all lost.

I'm sorry. If I knew they were gonna pull a crazy stunt

like this, I never would have asked you over.

Wait a minute, Oscar, they weren't too bad.

You see, he loved us!

We're a hit.

He didn't say "love."

He said you weren't too bad.

There's a big difference.

Felix, if these guys aren't out of here

before I finish dressing, I'm gonna tune your nose!

I don't believe... Crazy, lovable guy.

What do you say, Monty?

Can't you use the band on your show?

Yeah, that might work out,

but you see, I'm overbooked for this week.

As a matter of fact, I've got a comedian

waiting three weeks to get on the show.

Who wants to hear jokes when they could listen to music?

But I don't think that we could make the transition

from Oscar's sports stories into music.

It's a natural. It's a natural.

It's what they call a segue in music.

It's perfect. Don't you see?

It ties in because... No.

It's Oscar's band.

It's what?

Yes. Oscar's band...?

Oscar doesn't play a musical instrument. Oh, sure, yes.

And I've heard him sing. He's no singer either.

He plays drums. "Sticks" Madison.

The guy's got a great beat.

Hey, that's funny.

I used to walk a great beat.

You see? You see?

Do you want to listen to rotten jokes like that

or wouldn't you rather have music?

Well, I'll tell you,

since it's Oscar's band, Yes.

We could make the transition.

Why don't we ask him... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me talk to him.

The guy's a little bit shy about his talent.

I thought he was just shy of talent.

Laugh it up, guys, it's his show.

That Monty!

You want to hear college marching songs,

you're gonna hear them from Oscar's band.

"Football Hero," guys.

And one... ♪ You gotta be a football hero ♪

♪ To get along with the beautiful gals ♪

♪ You gotta be a touchdown getter, you bet ♪

♪ If you want to get somebody to pet ♪

♪ The fact that you are rich or handsome ♪

♪ Won't get you anything in curls ♪

♪ You gotta be a football hero ♪

♪ To get along with the beautiful ♪

♪ Along with the beautiful ♪

♪ Along with the beautiful girls. ♪

Hey.

Oscar.

Breakfast.

What's that?

Mm. It's a drop cloth.

It's just a... I know that.

What's under it?

Something that dropped.

I got Miriam a birthday present.

Yeah, what did you get her?

A purse.

Why don't you want me to know what's under the sheet?

Breakfast is ready.

Soft-boiled eggs?

You know I like scrambled.

Well, have a little variety in your life.

You always have scrambled, less cholesterol.

At least you could've cracked the shell for me.

You do that. It's part of the fun.

Hey!

That's good.

What's good?

The way you hit that egg.

It had something. Set my toes to tapping.

You mean this? Yeah, it's got a certain

natural animal rhythm to it.

Try hitting the glass.

Yeah, yeah, more, more.

Oh, that's really good. It makes me want to dance.

Are you nuts or something? Come on.

Admit it though, you used to be a great drummer.

What great drummer?

I hit a bass drum twice a song.

But you never lost it.

I never had it.

Talent will out. Nope.

How would you like to be a member

of the Unger Five Plus None?

Felix, come on now.

I hit a glass with a spoon,

and you want me to be a drummer in your band?

I'm not kidding.

If you had a real set of drums

to practice on and someone to teach...

Yeah, where would I get a real set of drums?

Voilà.

It's not a purse? It's not a purse.

Come over here and sit down.

Let's just see how you look. Ah, come on, Felix.

You're being absolutely... Look at this.

Look how he picks up those sticks.

Like a duck to water.

I can just see...

Give me a drumroll. You want a drum...

The Unger Five Plus None presents,

right in the middle where Monty can see him,

the timpantastic Oscar Madison,

make us crazy... No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, Mr. Music Maker, with the crazy.

Before "timpantastic," What?

What was that "where "Monty can see him"?

What was that?

Can't fool the fox, can I?

Monty said if it was your band, we could go on his show.

And that's why I couldn't have scrambled eggs, huh?

Well, I had to do something.

It wasn't for me, it's for the guys.

They want it so much.

What could I do?

Felix, I would like to help you, but listen to me,

I cannot play the drums.

It's a natural instinct, playing the drums.

You ever seen a baby in a restaurant

banging the table with his spoon.

It's so annoying.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of... I'll be so annoying.

You're not a baby, you'll bang better than that.

You'll have five guys around to cover for you.

I'll teach you. It's gonna be easy.

Oh, I haven't had my breakfast. Please...

Musician's are always better when they're hungry.

Sit down. You know that song that...

that sort of features the drummer.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, let's wail.

You'll come in... on the breaks, okay?

And...

Come in on the break.

Okay, and...

That was the break? That's the break.

Maybe I'm throwing too much at you all at once.

Do you know "How High the Moon"?

Yeah. ♪ Somewhere the... ♪

That's close enough. All right, here we go.

And...

It's... it's too loud.

Try the brushes.

Ready?

And...

I think your problem is you're trying to show off, you see.

Use just one brush.

One brush? Yeah, yeah.

Here we go. And...

It's... it's too complex for you, isn't it?

I told you I wasn't a drummer.

You didn't tell me how much you're not a drummer.

Hold it a minute, buddy.

You were the one who said I'd be a great asset to the band.

You were the one that said I had rhythm.

Somewhere between the egg and the drums you lost it.

Okay, so let's forget... No, no, no, no, we gotta do this.

I know. Wait. Sit down, sit down.

Take your brushes. Here you are.

Now, softly, make a sort of...

Softer. Softer.

I'm not playing anything.

Exactly.

Now you move around a bit.

Move the body. That's it.

That's it. Give it the...

You know, move your mouth.

That's it.

Here we go. And...

That's it.

We'll have an offstage drummer cover for you.

Good.

Hey, Oscar looks pretty good on TV.

He's been on 15 minutes.

When's he gonna introduce the band?

He will.

And that's the only time that a college football game

has ever been called off because of a volcano.

That's a funny story.

Oh, I got a million of them.

We know, we know.

Oh, but I do have a sideline

that not many people do know about.

It's this little musical group that I sort of put together.

Fellas, this is it.

Here we go, the big tag.

I'm gonna say hello to my mother,

to my Uncle Alfred and my Aunt Doris.

Oh, that reminds me.

You have a story about a marching band from Northwestern?

Who cares about a marching band?

Oh, you mean the time one of the guys in the band

went on the field and hit the quarterback

over the head with his flügelhorn.

That's it. No, this is...

You gotta hear this one from the beginning.

This is one of the funniest stories.

I hope I can tell it right. Let's see...

It was third down...

And we'll have more of these stories

right after these commercial messages.

How much time left on the show?

Only two minutes left, Monty. Only two minutes.

Gee, we ran long, but those stories were so great.

Oh, I didn't mean to talk that long.

Once I get started I can't... When do we go on?

It looks like we're not gonna

be able to work the band in.

What?

Just one of those things. We ran overtime.

Ah, boy!

What a gyp!

You sure there isn't enough time, Monty?

No, the, uh... we have the commercial messages,

then I sing my song and that's it.

Well, there's no problem. We can do our song instead.

No, the format is that I get to sing my song last.

Oh, there must be some way.

Please, Monty.

Well, maybe we could get the band to play behind me.

Yeah, yeah. And you and I will do a duet.

A duet? Yeah.

Don't get pushy. Monty sings alone. Yeah.

Well, if I don't go, the band doesn't go.

Right, guys?

Felix, you've got to step aside

for the good of the band.

I'll play the trumpet.

Cut out. You're through.

Felix, come on now, you can't play the trumpet.

I'll fake it.

Will you cut it out? Come on.

Now, that's show business.

You know the guy waiting in the green room?

He's been waiting there for three weeks.

Yeah, but I'm a personal friend of Monty's.

Are you kidding?

That guy is Monty's Uncle Chester.

I mean, that's the way it goes.

I'm so close I can taste it.

Well, I'm not gonna play the drums.

The real guy's gonna play on camera.

Another broken bulb in the bright lights of Broadway.

All right, Monty, take the band.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Break a leg, guys.

You know, he's really upset.

I know. Come on.

Felix?

Am I on?

Uh, no, Uncle Chester.

We ran out of time.

That's it, you're out of my will.

Felix, look, we don't want you to be upset.

Why don't you come on stage with us?

What do you want me on for?

I don't know any funny marching band stories.

Okay, if you don't want... I'll go on.

Come on.

Ready to go, Monty.

Thank you.

Felix, why don't you have a seat right over here?

Oscar, have a seat.

And now for my closing number, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to a song

that I just dug up, and I think it suits me so well

I'm gonna use it for my closing theme every week.

Al?

One, two...

♪ Stumbling all around, stumbling all around ♪

♪ Stumbling all around, so funny ♪

♪ Stumbling here and there, stumbling everywhere ♪

♪ And I must declare ♪

♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪

♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪

That's my song. ♪ I fell and when I rose ♪

My standing ovation number. ♪ I felt ashamed ♪

He got my style, everything.

He stole it. ♪ That's the latest step, that's the latest step ♪

♪ That's the latest step, my honey ♪

He's using my smile. ♪ Notice all the pep, notice all the pep ♪

♪ Notice all the pep ♪

♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪

♪ Though you are stumbling ♪

♪ I like you just a little bit, just a little bit ♪

♪ Quite a little bit ♪

♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪

♪ Though you are stumbling ♪

♪ I like you just a little bit, just a little bit ♪

♪ Quite a little bit, bit, I'm a hit. ♪

Well, we're out of time, folks, so that's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank everybody who came on our program

and a... a special thanks to Felix Unger

who almost... Yeah, go ahead.

Quite didn't make it.

Felix, come on down here and sing.

Come on, Felix.

Hi, Mom!

♪ Everyone it seems ♪

♪ Ever shares my dreams ♪

♪ 'Cause without you, dear ♪

♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪

♪ In this heart of mine ♪

♪ You live all the time ♪

♪ Sweet Sue ♪

♪ Just you. ♪

♪ Ah... ♪