Original subtitles

Oh, it was a great birthday party.

Thanks for everything.

Those typesetters really know how to throw a wild bash.

You know, one of them printed a dirty word on my wrist.

Yeah, and they made a great headline for Oscar.

"Oscar Celebrates 40th Year of Sloppiness."

That's very funny, very funny.

Listen, I got to get back to my desk.

Oh, thanks for the shirt.

It really is terrific. You're welcome.

What happened to the one you wore to work today?

Have it underneath it.

Here it is. Oh, Oscar!

Don't forget, Phyllis, tomorrow night

we're really gonna celebrate my birthday, right?

Okay. Bye, bye, honey.

Bye, Phyllis. Bye, Myrna.

I got to take this down to the copy room.

Good. Let's get back to work here, huh? Hi.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Jackie.

I made this cake for your birthday.

I didn't want to come to the party.

You know I don't like crowds.

You shouldn't have gone to that trouble.

It's no trouble.

It's my recipe in the column today,

except for the "Happy Birthday Oscar."

That I added.

Thank you. Mmm.

I love you. Look, I know you're shy.

There's nobody around. Why don't you sing for me?

Please, come on!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Which nobody can deny! ♪

Someone's here to see you.

No, it's all right. Don't go, Jackie...

See you later.

Who is that girl?

That's Jackie Hartman.

She writes the "Dining Out With Jackie" column.

Listen... What a voice!

Yeah, I know. What's in the package, my present?

If we had her in my opera club, we could do Carmen.

Oh, no, no. She won't sing in public. She's shy.

She tried it once, and she froze.

She'll never do it again. You brought me a little present.

Right? What is it? I don't care if she's shy or not.

She's my Carmen.

Yeah, you're my best friend, so what happened to the present...?

I don't believe it.

This is kids stuff here with a stink.

Look at this.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Mr. M., they want to see you in accounting right away.

They want to see me again?

They want to see you and the $600 you claimed in lunches.

Yeah? Well, I'm not worried about them this time,

'cause I got receipts right here.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can take the shoe.

Come on, don't be afraid of me.

Tell her to trust me.

She seems to be afraid of me.

Oh, yeah, Felix is harmless.

He just wants to talk to you.

I'll be right back. Come on, will you, honey?

Don't be embarrassed.

Aw, let's see a great big smile, huh?

Yeah, don't you feel better? Sure you do.

Come here.

Miss Hartman, I am the founder

and president of a local opera group.

Twice a year, we put on productions for charity.

If you're not doing anything tonight,

I'd love it if you'd come meet the group and audition.

Will Mr. Madison be there?

Mr. Madison likes midget wrestling.

No. I-I wouldn't fit in.

Miss Hartman, unless I miss my guess,

you were born to be Carmen!

Please come meet the group.

I wouldn't know anybody there.

I have to go.

Yes, you know me, you know Oscar.

But you said Oscar doesn't belong.

Well, it's his apartment.

What have you got to lose?

Come on, please. Do I have to sing?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Oscar'll escort you from work. He'll take you in a cab.

Won't you take Jackie to the opera meeting tonight?

You want to go?

All right.

I knew you would. Thank you.

8:00 tonight.

So long, Jackie.

Aw. You talked her into it!

I'm surprised.

I've got the kind of face people trust.

I wish you would take your trusting face down

to the accounting department.

The guy wouldn't accept my receipts.

He says I owe him $600. Hmm.

Listen, will you lend it to me? I didn't hear you.

Happy Birthday! Big surprise.

Is it something I could hock?

I was gonna get you some coasters,

and then this thing caught my eye.

What is this, a toothbrush for Moby Dick?

It's a lint brush.

Don't you love it?

You see, you take the lint off like this,

and then to clean it, you just turn the head around.

You mean like this?

We'll dispense with the singing

of the minutes of the last meeting

so that I can make an announcement,

which is a biggie!

Today I found someone

who will be the answer to our musical prayers.

But I thought our membership was closed.

Mr. Felscher,

if the Mormon Tabernacle Choir took that attitude,

they'd still be a quartet.

And I want you to meet Jackie Hartman!

Make her feel at home.

Jackie, sit down anywhere you want.

No, no, no, no, Jackie, sit here.

And, of course, you all know Oscar Madison.

Huh!

As you know, every year we plan to put on Carmen.

Well, I have finally found someone

who absolutely fills the bill.

So I move that as our first production,

we put on Bizet's immortal Carmen.

All those in favor, signify by singing aye.

♪ Aye. ♪

♪ Abstain. ♪

Opposed? MURRAY: ♪ Point of order! ♪

What is your point of order, Officer Greshler?

Begging your pardon, Miss, I don't want to seem

to sound supercritical, but Felix, don't you think

we ought to hear the little lady sing

before we entrust her with such a killer role?

Bravo, bravo! Thank you. Thank you.

I don't think Miss Hartman would mind

obliging us with a little cadenza.

Sure, since she's a member of the group now.

Come on, come on. We'd all love to hear you.

What'll you sing? What do you know?

Let's see what we've got.

You know "Una Voce Poca Fa"?

Of course you do. All right now.

♪ Una voce poc... ♪

I have to go home now.

What's the matter?

Jackie, where are you going?

I'm sorry.

You know I can't sing in front of strangers.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't call these people strangers.

Strange maybe, but not strangers.

Anyway, I'd like to hear you sing.

Belt one out for me, will ya?

If you want me to, I'll give it a try. Good girl.

Come on.

You'll munch quietly while she's singing.

♪ Una voce poca fa ♪

♪ Qui nel cor mi risuonò ♪

♪ Il mio cor ferito è già ♪

♪ E lindor fu che il piagò ♪

♪ Sì... lindoro mio sarà ♪

♪ Lo... giurai ♪

♪ La vincerò ♪

♪ Sì, lindoro mio sarà ♪

♪ Lo... ♪: I'm gonna make her a big star.

I wonder how she'll thank me.

♪ Giurai ♪ Maybe she'll give you a lint brush.

♪ Sì, la vincerò. ♪

Bravo!

Bravo!

Thank you, Murray.

It's okay, Felix.

Oh!

Will we rehearse again?

What's the use?

The whole thing was a disaster.

How could Jackie spend the whole rehearsal

in the ladies' room?

Poor girl was scared to death.

People aren't gonna pay three dollars and 50 cents

to hear Carmen in a bathroom,

even though the acoustics are very good in there.

She sang so great here the other night.

I know it, I know. I just...

I can't figure it out.

Felix, try to think like a detective.

Now, I'm trained in deductive reasoning.

First we re-create a scene.

Jackie sang here

the other night and stood right here,

looked at Oscar right there,

and never turned away.

Ergo, we can assume

that she can only sing into a kitchen.

You know, I don't think that's it.

But it fits. Hmm.

That's why she stayed in the bathroom.

She likes porcelain.

Ah. Or maybe she can only sing to Oscar.

Well, that's another theory.

Maybe I should put Oscar in the opera.

It might work.

How do I get Oscar in the opera?

I'll appeal to his artistic sense.

I'll appeal to his sense of humanity to help Jackie.

I'll appeal to our years of friendship.

And if that doesn't work, I'll lend him the $600.

That'll do it.

Now, I got to teach you your part. What part?

Oh, I thought I was just here for Jackie to sing to.

Yeah, but you have to have a reason to be on stage.

You have a part.

You don't have to sing.

You speak two lines.

I'm lending you $600.

That's $300 a line.

See, your part's underlined.

See what it says... "1820 in Seville."

Oh, you play a Spanish captain.

Hi, Jackie. Hi.

Hi. Jackie came.

She volunteered to rehearse with you.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi.

Hey, I'm the captain. Look out. Okay.

Now, captain comes in, he sees the corporal...

That's me, Don José... And he-he finds him

talking with Carmen. Right.

So, you go over there, you come in.

Right. Okay.

What are you doing?

Coming in like you told me.

Is that the way you come in like a captain?

Is that the way a captain walks?

I don't know how a captain walks.

Spanish captain swaggering, braggadocio.

He see the corporal. Aha!

And then he walks in.

He puts his hand on his hip.

Aha. Like that.

Hello, Corporal.

You know, give it the... Yeah. Come on.

Aha!

Aha!

Now, put your hand on your hip.

Not like that.

You... You look like a, you know...

That's it. That's it.

And you say, "Well, Corporal!"

Well, Corporal.

I'm the corporal. She's...

You say, "Mademoiselle Carmencita."

Mademoiselle Carmencita.

And then she answers you.

♪ Tra la la la la la la ♪

♪ Coupe moi, brûle moi, je ne te dirai rien! ♪

Very nice.

I like your singing. It's very good.

But when it comes to acting, we're in my ballpark.

You can trust me, trust my face.

Ah, Carmen is not a shy, sweet girl like you.

She's an animal.

She's sensual.

She moves.

When she sees something she wants, she grabs it!

Come on, and... ♪ Tra la la la la la la ♪

♪ Coupe moi, brûle moi, je ne te dirai... ♪

I have a headache.

I have to get some aspirin.

Huh?

What do you think of our shy Miss Hartman now?

Wow!

What a kiss!

She broke my pencil.

Any messages for me?

Yeah, an angel food cake from Jackie.

You want some?

No, I can't, I'm on a diet... a low-fat diet.

I'm trying to lose some of this... low fat.

That's terrific.

I don't like chocolate, though.

I know, I told her that.

You know, she's brought me something every day

for four weeks now since we went into rehearsal?

Well, you know what they say.

"Nothing spells lovin' like something from the oven."

What are you talking about?

Well, you've been seeing a lot of her these last four weeks.

Dinners, rehearsals.

Well, after rehearsal , we're hungry.

She knows all the good places to eat, so we go.

What is that?

Well, that's not what the gossip says.

Do you know the secretaries have a pool

as to where you'll go on your honeymoon?

Honeymoon? Mm-hmm.

I stand to make $12 if you take her to Coney Island.

Think about it.

Is that all you girls have to do...

Sit around and gossip and do things like that?

Yeah.

Has Phyllis heard any of these rumors about Jackie and me?

I don't think so.

I think she's on a different grapevine.

See, we meet at the water cooler on this fl...

That's it, I don't want to hear it, all right?

Jackie just makes me some cake.

That's all there is to it.

We'll see what happens.

Uh-oh.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Aw... Isn't it time you went home?

The day's over. Good night.

Good night, Mr. M.

Good night, Phyllis.

Good night.

What's the matter, honey?

Oscar, I was just at the water cooler on this floor and...

Aw, come on, now, you're not going to believe that gossip, are you?

I mean, there's nothing to it.

Tomorrow we have the performance, and it's all over.

Are you sure? Honest.

Would I lie to you, sweetheart?

Come on.

Okay.

How come you're not rehearsing tonight?

They're having a technical rehearsal.

See, we're free, honey, come on.

Okay.

Mm...

Okay, I guess I trust you.

Thanks.

What are you doing? Cut it out.

Did you have a good time tonight?

Oh, Phyllis and I had a ball.

Went to the hockey game and everything. Oh!

You'll never guess who dropped by.

Who?

Jackie.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was very upset.

What's the matter?

Well, she caught you kissing Phyllis in the office.

So?

Well... don't you understand?

Jackie is crazy about you.

Myrna said the same thing.

Now, that's silly.

We're just good friends. She doesn't think

you're good friends.

She was very hurt.

She was so upset, she didn't want to sing tomorrow night.

Because of me? Yes.

That's a misunderstanding.

Well, don't worry about it.

I was able to straighten the whole thing out.

Oh, good. Thanks, buddy.

Little Felix had to do some fast thinking.

Yeah? What'd you tell her?

Wait till you hear the genius of it.

I told Jackie you're going to marry her.

It's good, huh?

You're upset.

Well, I admit I may have gone too far.

I left you an out.

I also told her that you only had two months to live.

But I covered everything.

I told her Phyllis was your nurse.

You know why Phyllis was kissing you?

She was thanking you for willing your body

to her medical school.

You see, that way, I lent credibility

to the whole thing.

Jackie's back in her office now

typing out three weeks of columns

so she'll have time off for the honeymoon.

Hi, Jackie. Oh, Oscar.

What are you doing here? How do you feel?

Oh, I feel fine, I'm fine.

Oh, I-I was just doing some things around here.

I wanted it to be nice when you came in.

Looks terrific.

Jackie, I'd like to talk to you for a second.

Sit down, will you, honey?

Felix already told me.

Yeah, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Jackie, I...

I got some good news and I got some bad news.

Oh?

The good news is, I'm not going to die.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What's the bad news?

I'm not going to die.

I don't understand.

Well, Jackie, see, Felix was so excited

about your success

and the start of a new career and everything...

We all were, we all are...

And he got a little carried away.

How far away?

Fantasyland.

See, Jackie, I mean,

I never knew how you felt about me.

I mean, I'm very flattered, but...

right now I'm kind of tied up with Phyllis.

Do you mean Felix made up everything?

Why?

Well, he was so excited about your career,

and also he's a lunatic and...

Look, honey, I know you're hurt, and listen,

if Felix and I hadn't tried to take you out of your shell,

you would never have gotten hurt.

I mean, you could have stayed

in your safe little cubicle down there,

and none of this would have happened.

That's right.

Yeah, but, hey, Jackie,

it could get very lonely in that cubicle.

Sometimes you got to take a chance on getting hurt.

I mean, you got to if you want to have a little fun.

Jackie, you got such a great gift.

You got to share it.

I can't do it without you.

That's a cop-out, Jackie.

It is a cop-out.

I mean, y-you're looking

for somebody to give you confidence.

I can't do that, nobody can.

You got to find it yourself.

I can't. Sure you can.

No. Who are you going to be hurting

if you don't do the opera?

You know, you're not going to be hurting me,

you're going to be hurting you!

Felix is the one who's got two months to live.

I can't hold the curtain any longer.

I may have to call off the performance.

Okay.

What do you mean, "Okay"?!

I don't want to call off the performance.

I want to give a performance.

But you can't do Carmen without Carmen.

Hey, Felix,

maybe I'll get my uke and get out there

and I'll do my Hawaiian bit. You know...

Stop it, stop that!

Where is she?

She didn't show up, huh?

Would I be standing here with this expression on my face

if she showed up?

I don't know what to do. We've got a sold-out house.

We've got influential people out there, my aunt from Cleveland.

Maybe she'll still come.

Think, think, what'll I do?

I know.

I'll do Carmen myself.

I know the part, I can do it.

Felix, you're going crazy. I know it.

I know it, I'm going crazy.

I can't do Carmen.

Mr. Felscher can do Carmen.

The costume will fit him.

Felscher, put on lipstick.

Here she comes.

Felscher, don't be a nut.

I knew you'd come.

I needed time to think things over.

You were absolutely right.

There's no reason

why I shouldn't have confidence in myself.

I bake a good cake.

You sure do.

Let's go! Oscar, get into your costume.

Don't rush me.

First, we'll go over a few things with the pianist.

I already did.

Now we'll do it right. Oh.

And we'll use my walk. Okay.

And... one more thing, Skinny.

If ever you go "thump, thump, thump" in my face again,

I'll give you a fat lip.

♪ L'amour est un oiseau rebelle ♪

♪ Que nul ne peut apprivoiser ♪

♪ Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle ♪

♪ S'il lui convient de refuser ♪

♪ Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière ♪

♪ L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait ♪

♪ Et c'est l'autre que je préfère ♪

♪ Il n'a rien ♪

♪ Dit mais il me plaît ♪

♪ L'amour... ♪

♪ L'amour ♪

♪ L'amour... ♪

♪ L'amour ♪

♪ L'amour est enfant de Bohème ♪

♪ Il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi ♪

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime ♪

♪ Si je t'aime, prends garde à toi ♪

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ Je t'aime ♪

♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪

♪ Si je t'aime... ♪

♪ Prends garde... ♪

♪ À toi... ♪

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪

♪ Je t'aime ♪

♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪

♪ Si je t'aime... ♪

♪ Prends garde... ♪

♪ À toi. ♪

Ah, Jackie, what can I say?

You saved our performance.

What can I do for you?

You know the best thing you can do for Jackie?

Nothing!

You know what you can do for me?

Honey, sing a song in which I understand the words.

Oh, sure.

♪ People... ♪

♪ People who need people... ♪

♪ They're the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ With one person ♪

♪ One very special person ♪

♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪

♪ Says you were half ♪

♪ Now you're whole ♪

♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪

♪ But first be a person ♪

♪ Who needs people ♪

♪ People ♪

♪ Who need people... ♪

♪ Are the luckiest ♪

♪ People ♪

♪ In... ♪

♪ The... ♪

♪ World. ♪