Original subtitles

Come in.

Hi, Mr. M.

Hi, Myrna.

So, Mr. Unger's gone, huh? Yeah.

I took him to the airport about an hour ago.

Gee, you redecorated the whole place

in just an hour.

Half hour.

I took a nap first.

Can we go to work? Hmm?

So, Mr. Unger's on his way to Houston?

Yeah. I thought he hated flying.

He does, but this is a big account...

Buckaroo Barbecue sauce, he had to go.

Oh, yeah.

I know their jingle.

That's when the Sons of the Tumbling Tumbleweed

come out and sing:

♪ When I barbecue, barbecue, barbecue ♪

♪ I use Buckaroo, Buckaroo, Buckaroo ♪

♪ If it's good enough for me, yippee, yippee ♪

♪ Then it's good enough for you ♪

♪ Yippee yi, yippee you, yippee yes. ♪

Yahoo!

Yeah, well, they're trying to change their image.

They want to go for something less sophisticated.

And Mr. Unger's gonna do this job?

Yeah. I'm very proud of him.

You really like him when he's gone, huh?

Yeah. He was terrific today.

He was petrified to get on that plane.

It took two stewardesses and me

to bend his knees, so he could sit down.

He was really terrific! Let's get to work.

Oh, I'm home safe!

What happened?

Don't ask!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh. Why aren't you in Houston?

Oh, I need a sedative.

What happened?

First, we ran into a tropical storm over Trenton.

The plane was pitching up and down.

I was screaming.

The lights went out.

I threw up my Dramamine.

We had to turn back and come to New York.

I swore if I ever got off that plane alive,

I'd never fly again and I never will.

Oh, look at my beautiful kitchen.

Mwuah! Mwuah!

Felix, what about that great account?

You're supposed to be in Houston tomorrow, don't you remember?

Let somebody else photograph 10,000 ribs.

Beautiful fireplace. No, no.

You just psyched yourself out about flying.

Tomorrow, you'll feel better,

you'll get on a plane in the morning, okay?

I would risk my life for my country.

I would risk my life for my children,

but I will not risk my life for Buckaroo Barbecue sauce.

Oh, look at my beautiful room!

Mmm!

He kissed his doorknob.

Where was I?

I said where was I?

What's that? What's the matter?

You got something in your teeth, what?

He needs your help.

You gotta get him on a plane.

How? You just saw him.

Myrna, this morning 119 people got on a plane to Houston.

Right now, 118 of 'em are there having a good time.

One is in his room kissing his luggage.

I mean, he's afraid.

He's a scaredy-cat. There's no way!

Where there's a will, there's a way.

If you were a real friend, you'd do something about it.

Mr. Unger would.

Remember that time you were so sick

and you couldn't write your column?

Mr. Unger took his own money

and hired a ghostwriter for you.

Yeah, he was good. I got a raise.

See? He's a real friend.

I'm as good a friend as he is.

Talk is cheap, Mr. M.

Yeah?

All right.

Call the airport and make a reservation.

I'll get him on the plane in the morning.

♪ There's no place like home ♪

♪ There's no place like home... ♪

That's a good sign.

If he's singing, he's not kissing.

This is so silly. No.

Fear of flying is silly.

What is this?

This is a plane. It's my living room.

I'm gonna show you flying in a plane

is like sitting in your own living room. Good.

Book me on a two-bedroom brownstone to Houston. Oh, please.

Pretend it's a plane. You'll have fun. Look,

how I let him talk me into silly... Trust me, will you?

Don't sit near the window. Why?

You'll get dizzy. You're right, you're right.

Get in the mood.

I'm in the mood. You just got on the plane.

It's gonna be terrific!

It's hilarious. Look!

What?

That's a slow-talking secretary.

Ask her how safe air travel is.

Go ahead. Miss...

how safe is air travel?

Oh, air travel is the safest travel known to man.

Safer than cars, buses or feet.

Is it safer than staying home?

In fact, more accidents take place in the home

than in airplanes.

More pilots slip in their bathtubs than in their cockpits.

See?

Okay, now, everybody,

fasten your seat belts,

put your chairs in an upright position,

My chair is in an upright... and shortly after take off,

your captain will be talking to you.

This is...

See, you're laughing, you're having fun.

'Cause it's so silly. What?

Hey, we're takin' off.

Here we go.

You're a fun guy, you know that? Uh-huh.

Good afternoon. This is your captain,

speaking to you from the cockpit,

and it's a lot safer here than my own bathtub.

That's Murray.

There are pilots named Murray.

We have just had a perfect take off.

And the weather will be just fine from here to Houston.

The flight pattern we're using

is the safest one there is.

Santa Claus uses it.

Well, have a merry flight!

Another stewardess?

Passenger. Oh. Howdy,

is this seat occupado?

No.

There's nobody cute in first class.

Talk to her.

She likes you. Go ahead.

Hello.

Howdy, again.

Will you enjoy it.

Talk to her. Go ahead.

Do you live in Houston?

Shoot, yeah!

How long you gonna be there?

Two weeks.

Sure enough.

Think you'll have any free time while you're there?

Uh? Uh...

I, I guess so. I'll try.

Well, in case you do, here's my number.

You be sure and call me now, hear?

Check you later.

Boy, you got one smooth line, you know that?

Oh, come on. Must be the altitude.

This is ridiculous.

It could happen. Oh, of course it happens every day.

Well, it's not gonna happen sitting at home.

It just did. Oh, you...

Who is she?

A friend of Myrna's, she's married.

Aw. Well...

See, but you had a good time. Yeah.

You laughed and everything. This is ridiculous.

'Cause you're making jokes, it's fun. But...

But this isn't like really flying.

Sure, you meet strangers. It'll be fun.

It'd be fun if you'd go along with me

and make jokes all the way. You'll find somebody...

Would you do that? Would I do what?

Go with me. Make jokes all the way.

Come with me to Houston. No, I can't.

See, I got to cover a football game

at Shea Stadium tomorrow. I can't do it. Aw.

Don't they play football in Houston?

Do they have a team? Yeah,

but the paper's sending somebody else though.

You could go. You trade.

No, no, no, no. You trade.

You trade with that guy. No, no, no. Whoa! Whoa!

See, San Diego is playing Houston for last place.

I don't wanna watch that.

The Jets are playing Miami for the lead.

See, I want to see... Yeah,

but it would be better in Houston,

because you're so talented, you'd write up the game, No.

You'd make them a big team. No...

You got to go. You're gonna do it!

You're a wonderful guy!

Murray, married lady, Myrna, come in.

He's gonna go to Houston with me.

He's gonna make jokes all the way.

You're a dream. We knew you'd do it.

Where you going?

To my bathtub, see if I can get hurt.

Where's Felix?

He went to the men's room again.

Again? I've had days like that.

Oh.

You all right? I'm exhausted.

Passengers for flight 62 to Houston now boarding, gate 12.

That's us. I have to go to the men's room again.

No. It's closed, it's closed.

Please, please. No!

Then let me get more insurance.

Please. Oh, go ahead.

Did he take out insurance?

Yes, Mr. Unger.

Then, I want to take out some more, please.

Well, you already have the maximum. I know,

but is, isn't there some way

I could get a little bit more, please?

Well, you'd just be wasting your money.

You see the company will only cover each passenger

up to a certain amount and you already have it.

You're afraid to sell me more

because then you might have to pay off, is that it?

No, Mr. Unger, it is the law.

I told you it was the law an hour ago.

I told you it was the law half an hour ago,

and I told you it was the law 15 minutes ago

and if you ask me one more time,

I'm gonna let you have it right in the chops!

Is it against your law

for someone else to buy insurance

and name the same beneficiary?

No.

Thank you.

Oscar. What?

Would you do me a favor, please?

Would you take out a policy

and name my ex-wife, Gloria, as your beneficiary. We don't have time.

Let's get on the plane. Please, please, come on, for me.

Give me some insurance fast, please. How much?

Shoot the works. Passenger's name?

Oscar Madison. Beneficiary?

Gloria Unger. Wait a minute.

How's this gonna look to my ex-wife? How's what gonna look?

Gloria getting my insurance money.

Why should she get any money? No, I meant just...

I know what you meant, when the plane crashes.

No, I didn't. No, no.

Sign, I'm gonna sign. I got to get more. I got to get...

Sir, sir, are you going to Houston?

Would you like to help provide

for the future of a wonderful woman

and two great kids? Felix!

So long.

Bye, Felix. Good-bye.

Remember, whatever goes up must come down.

Murray!

It's all right, Oscar.

I know what Murray meant

and I've got myself quite together.

Good-bye, friends.

Thanks an awful lot for helping me.

I don't think, without your support,

I would ever have had the courage to get on the plane.

So if anything goes wrong,

let it be on your head,

because I didn't want to get on.

I'd made up my mind.

I said I was never going to fly again.

I said I was never going to fly and I meant it...

Thank you, Murray.

I needed that.

Excuse us, please.

Excuse us.

What's your hurry, skinny?

I'll sit near the window.

Remember what I told you.

All right, stop with the hiccups.

Come on, sit down. Sit in here.

Sit. Oh, don't be nervous.

Try to pull yourself together.

Do you see anybody else being nervous?

Another one of your arrangements?

No, I told you it could happen in real life.

Go get her, Tiger. Go ahead.

Hello.

Hello.

You live in Houston?

Yes, I do. Oh.

That's where I'm going.

I'll be there two weeks.

Have fun.

I hope to.

I'll, I'll have a lot of free time.

I won't.

They tell me... Excuse me, Miss.

Oh, yes?

Could I change my seat?

Oh. Of course.

Boy, you've got one rotten line, you know that?

Wow... WOMAN: Good morning.

I'm your hostess.

My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.

Miss, can I have a glass of water, please?

Uh, just a moment, sir.

Good morning.

My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.

Welcome aboard Flight 62 to Houston.

We will be flying at an altitude of 32,000 feet,

arriving in Houston at 10:30 Central Standard Time.

This is a pressurized cabin.

If at any time, we should lose our pressure,

an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you.

May I try that, please?

Oh, sir, this is only a demonstration...

I know, I want to practice with it.

Sir, that won't be necessary.

Just hold it over your mouth and breathe normally.

Yes, but I can't breathe normally.

I have a sinus condition.

Sir, as long as you have a nose and a mouth,

it'll work for you, too.

Sarcasm.

That certainly inspires confidence.

You inspire sarcasm.

In case of emergency, we have emergency exits

located in the front of the cabin;

we have two located over each wing

and three at the rear of the air... Miss?

Yes, the man with the sinuses.

Why... why do you have emergency exits?

Obviously not to bail out... They didn't give us parachutes.

Believe me, sir, they have a purpose.

I know they have a purpose. It's an emergency.

I just wondered what kind of emergency you're thinking about.

Well, in case the plane is forced down and catches fire.

Oh, my God!

No, no, that has never happened on any...

Yes, but you notice they do have an emergency exit everywhere.

Would you rather they didn't?

Oh... Oh, I feel faint.

Oh... We're still on the ground.

Why?

Why are we still on the ground?

Because that's where we start from.

Then we go up in the air,

when we get to Houston, we go on the ground again.

Just the way the Wright Brothers planned it.

More sarcasm, huh? Felix, will you...

This is the captain speaking. Ah, shh, shh.

That's the captain. He's speaking to me. Yes?

I'm sorry, but we'll be delayed on the ground

for an indefinite period.

Thank you. Why?! Why?! Why?!

He can't hear you, Felix.

What channel is he on?

I'm getting Victor Borge.

Get off. What? What? Felix...

Where's the emergency exit?

Where...?

Oscar, look at that.

What?

Look at the size of that woman.

So what?

If she got stuck in the emergency door,

we'd all be dead.

Felix, if she gets stuck in the door,

I'll push her through for you, I promise.

Please, will you...

Look at that. What is it?

Those men on the ground, under the wing...

What are they doing? They're mechanics.

No, no, something's wrong.

They're pointing up at the wing.

They look so worried.

I can read his lips.

"I... much... fear... serious trouble

in the fuselage, Frederick."

Help me. What's the other guy saying?

"I... much... fear...

there's some nut trying to read your lips."

What's the matter with you? They're running away.

They're running away. I know... Because they're finished.

No, 'cause they're afraid. I'm getting...

Felix... I'm coming, Fred, I'm coming.

Get out of my way. Get out of my way.

Oscar, I'm trapped at the fat woman.

Let me by!

I'm sorry, sir, you're not allowed in here.

Felix, that's the cockpit!

There's an enormous woman blocking the aisle.

I've got to get out.

Now, just relax, sir.

I'm gonna get your name.

Oscar. Oscar! What, Felix, wh...

Get the captain's name!

Will you come here?

Ah, let him go.

A jerk like that should be riding on the bus.

Oh!

Flight 302 from Dallas

arriving Gate 22.

Sir, can I get my luggage off that plane?

Now? Yeah, yeah.

No, never mind.

Oscar will take care of it at the other end.

Oh. Oscar.

Are you gonna help me get my luggage off?

I'm not gonna argue with you.

I want you to get back on that plane. I'm sorry, Oscar...

Felix, do you realize the trouble I went through

to get you on that flight for your own good. I just can't do it.

I'm sorry, Oscar! All right!

I got a game to cover, I got a plane to catch.

When I bring your luggage back to you, don't bother to unpack.

Hold it, where are you going?

Houston. My plane's right there.

Well, not anymore.

They just got the go-ahead to taxi out.

Well, bring it back.

I can't. They're in the lineup for takeoff.

What time is the next one?

This afternoon.

Oh, that's no good.

Any other airline got a flight going?

Not this morning.

But I have to be at the Astrodome by 1:00.

Well, then you shouldn't have gotten off the plane.

Thanks a lot.

If you took all the times that you screwed up my life

and you piled them one on top of the other...

it would not equal what you did to me today.

It's not that bad, is it?

Yes, it is.

Tomorrow, my readers will turn to the sports page,

look at my column, see what I have about the Houston game.

You know what will be there?

Nothing. Not a word.

Then I'll get my paycheck. You know what'll be on that?

Nothing. Not a word.

Probably get fired.

You know whose fault it is?

Would it help if I said I was sorry?

No, it wouldn't help. Why would that help?

I feel like such a fool.

Bad enough throwing away my own job,

but I had no right to imperil yours.

I guess I just went too far.

Oh, now you see it, huh? Good.

Oscar, you've done everything

one friend could do for another.

I'm not gonna let you down.

I'm going to get on that plane this afternoon to Houston.

Aren't you proud of me?

Oh, I'm thrilled.

You'll be at the barbecue party, right?

I'll be at the unemployment line.

Look how nice everything worked out.

No, no, you'll be covering that game in Houston.

Did you hear what the guy said?

Nothing on earth, or in the sky, will stop me.

Sir, where can I charter a plane?

Over in the Terminal Annex.

Thank you. In the Terminal Annex.

Excuse me, is this Belkin Airlines?

Um, are you with the Better Business Bureau?

No.

Oh, uh, well then, I'm Belkin.

Uh, what can I do for you?

I understand you have a charter flight to Houston?

Uh, yes, we do.

What time does it reach Houston?

Uh, well, it should get there around, uh, noon.

Oh, that's perfect.

It's very important we get on that flight.

Do you have room?

Well, are you guys with the group?

What? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, we're with the group.

Wait, wait, will you wait a minute please.

Look, Belkin Airlines? I never heard of you.

How long have you been in business?

Oh, my daddy started the company.

He used to fly mail with Charles Lindbergh?

Oh, boy, he must have been some pilot.

He still is. He'll be flying you to Houston.

Felix...

That just proves he's experienced.

No, it proves he's old.

That's all. It proves he's old.

Now, what kind of a plane is this?

Oh, it's a modified 727.

What do you mean, modified?

It was just painted.

Isn't that nice?

No, it's not nice.

You can hardly tell where the old wing starts

and the new wing begins.

Excuse us a moment. Oh, absolutely, yes.

Where'd you get all this nerve...

All of a sudden you're Steve Canyon.

I told you, I simply refuse to submit to fear.

And I suggest that you stop this whimpering

and do the same thing.

Two tickets to Houston, please.

One. One?

No point in my taking any chances.

I don't have to be in Houston until tonight.

I'll take a real plane.

Excuse us for one moment, will you please?

Felix, you get on that plane with me

or I'll break every bone in your body.

Two.

At least let me get some insurance. Go ahead.

So long, son.

Good luck, Pop.

Thank you, son.

Oscar. Yeah?

Thank you.

For what? For getting me on the plane.

But for you, I'd never have done it.

It's great, isn't it? A smooth flight. It's fun. Yeah.

Go figure... Belkin's Airline.

Great lunch, too... Nice submarine sandwich.

How soon do we get to Houston?

Any minute now, I guess.

If I ask you something,

you promise you won't get mad? What?

Can I go to the bathroom again?

Be my guest.

This is Captain Pop Belkin.

We're approaching Houston.

All right, gang, this is it.

Everybody back to the jumpin' area and hook up.

Where's your parachute, buddy?

What parachute? What's the matter?

Is something wrong? Some trouble?

No, no trouble. This is Houston.

Aren't you gettin' off?

Yeah, when are we gonna land?

Land?

Buddy, this is the American Parachute Club.

We're jumpin' out.

Jumpin' out?

But the plane's gotta land somewhere.

Not until San Diego.

That's when I'm getting off.

What are you, one of them sissy boys?

That's the trouble with the country today.

Everything gone soft.

There's a parachute right under that seat.

Get into it and hit the silk, fella.

I'm not hitting the silk.

I'm not jumping off.

I'm not getting out of this plane.

If Patton was alive, he'd slap your face.

Probably wasn't even in the service.

Yes, I was.

Geronimo!

Oscar? Hmm?

Wasn't this plane full of people?

Yes, it was.

Where'd they all go?

They left.

Where'd they go?

They jumped out.

What are you talk...

What's wrong? What happened?

Felix, this was a parachute club.

They weren't gonna land in Houston.

They jumped off at Houston.

We're the only sissy boys that stayed on.

Well, where do we land?

San Diego.

You can sit there calmly and say San Diego?

Houston is playing San Diego, remember?

I'll watch the game on television,

I'll cover it that way.

Hey, that's right. Yeah.

And I can catch a plane back to Houston

in time for my barbecue tonight.

You sure you won't mind flying alone?

Oh, no, not at all.

I'm completely over my fear of flying.

This is Pop Belkin speaking.

As long as there's just the two of you boys left,

I thought I'd show you some of the stunts

that made me famous in my barnstorming days.

I hope they bring back some memories.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm going with you.

Flight 83 now arriving from Houston.

Gee, I hope Mr. Unger had a good flight.

Hey, how did he do on his job?

He called me and told me it went great.

Ah, here he comes.

Oh, there he is. Hey, gang.

How are you? Good to see you.

You ruined the whole flight.

How was the flight?

Not bad.