Original subtitles

There's a wrinkle.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Oscar.

It doesn't match, huh?

I remember!

There's my baby!

There she is.

Wait'll you see this one.

Aha! How about that?

What do you think?

You're just one of those lucky guys.

You can wear anything.

What does this say?

"Aloha, Oscar Madison, New York Herald.

Who are you?" Well, last time I wore it

was to the sportswriters' convention in Hawaii.

That was two years ago.

Yeah, well, I only wear it on special occasions.

I'm taking Phyllis to the movies tonight.

What's so special about the movies?

Nothing, it's Phyllis that's special, remember?

Well, all your girlfriends are special.

Nina, the crane operator, was very special.

You told me her specialty.

Well, Phyllis is special special.

It's getting serious? Well, you know...

Hey, you are going out tonight, I hope?

Yeah, Miriam and I are going to our opera club. Good.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. What?

What are you storing in here?

Oh, a little hat!

Isn't that cute?

What else have you got in here?

Oh, a blower, a noisemaker...

Boy, that must have been some convention! Wow!

Will you cut it out? Here.

Tell me, which tie goes better with this outfit here?

You can wear one of my ties.

Oh, thank you. If you promise not to eat with it.

I won't, I won't. Thanks, Felix.

This is most unusual for you, isn't it?

What do you mean?

You usually dress in the dark.

You don't care what tie you wear.

I am a little edgy. I've got to admit it.

Because of Phyllis? Yeah.

Getting serious, huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know...

You big galoot. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah? Wedding bells?

Oh, I don't know about that, but I kind of like her. Listen.

What?

If you decide to propose tonight... Yeah?

Make sure you speak up very clear. Why?

'Cause you want to be heard over this shirt.

Here.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Oscar... That was a great movie.

It was wonderful.

Oh, boy. Where's Felix?

Oh, he and Miriam are at the Opera Club.

Sit, sit, sit.

Felix told me they were playing Wagner next week.

Yeah, they'll stay up all night pasting horns on helmets.

Oh, no.

You want a beer?

No, thanks, I'm stuffed.

You know that was a cute restaurant.

Well, they know me there; that's why they gave me extra pickles.

You got some extra pickles on your tie.

Yeah, also some extra beer.

I don't have to worry.

It's Felix's tie.

Oh, I had a good time tonight.

Me, too.

We always have a good time together, don't we?

Sure, you're lots of fun to be with.

You know, Phyllis...

Now, it's been a long time

since I've been serious about anyone.

I mean, let's see.

I've been divorced eight years.

Altogether that makes 11 years

I haven't been serious about someone.

You know what I'm trying to say?

I think I do.

Well, how do you feel?

Oscar, I like you. I think you're a great guy.

The next word is "but."

But... I don't feel serious.

Some other guy, huh?

No, not at all.

Hey, is it something about me?

Oscar, I'd rather not talk about it.

No, go ahead. Tell me. I can take it. What is it?

You're nice.

Yeah. You're funny.

Good. You're intelligent.

That's three, that ain't bad.

Go ahead. You're attractive.

More, more, more, yeah? You're sloppy!

Yeah?

I know I'm sloppy.

Does that bother you?

I mean, you never mentioned it before.

Well, you never said anything about getting serious before.

Well, what's the difference?

It's just that certain things become more important

if it's more than just dating.

Like what things?

Like tonight at the restaurant,

the way you put mustard on your pastrami sandwich? How?

Dipping your sandwich into the jar between bites.

I always do that.

But you laughed.

You thought it was so funny.

Well, yes it was funny, Oscar,

but it's just that...

Oh, I don't know. If I was serious,

I might not think that was funny anymore.

Yeah, I see. It's all right.

I'm sorry, Oscar. No, don't be sorry.

I was in a crazy mood.

Who wants to get serious anyway?

Hey... you want to take me home now?

No, look, I'm not upset.

I can take things like that. You sure?

Honestly, sure, I...

think I better take you home.

I mean, we had enough laughs for one night.

Hi, gang.

Hi, Felix.

Got screams from the doorman.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

Come on!

Oscar?

Ah! Morning.

Good morning.

How was the date?

"How was the date?"

Something wrong?

"Something wrong?"

Uh-oh.

When I came in last night,

there was a definite feeling of tension in the air.

Was it my fault? Tell me the truth. No, no.

Did I do something wrong? The horns, they upset you?

No, it had nothing to do with the horns.

Something about Phyllis, huh?

Yeah. Aha.

You want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Okay, we won't.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah. You want to talk?

That's not like you. You never want to talk about it.

Yeah, well, I want to talk about this.

Okay. Let's talk about it.

Well, Phyllis thinks I'm a slob.

She saw your room?

No, just dinner.

Oh, and your sloppiness is hurting your relationship.

Yeah, you know she's coming to dinner this Saturday night.

I'm afraid I'll be uptight.

I'll make mistakes and everything.

That's why I want to discuss it with you.

Let this be a lesson to you!

That's it?

That's how you discuss it?

Let that be a lesson to you?

What happened to sympathy?

"I feel sorry for you, Oscar.

I feel bad for you, Oscar. She's wrong, Oscar."

She's right, Oscar.

All right, from now on, we go back

to "I don't want to talk about it"!

Good, what's there to talk about?

You're never gonna change. Not if you live

to be a million years, you'll never change!

Yeah, that's where you're wrong. I am going to change.

Phyllis is a great girl and I don't want to lose her.

You watch me change.

I'm telling you!

Come on in. From this moment on,

I'm not gonna be a slob anymore!

That's it, I'm going crazy.

I gave up smoking and now my hearing's gone bad.

I thought I just heard you say

you didn't want to be a slob anymore.

That's what you heard and I'm not crazy.

Come on, sit down.

I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Since I stopped smoking,

I've been getting very nervous and very hungry.

Do you have any more food?

I've got some rolls.

Can I have them?

Oscar, are you serious about wanting to change?

I am gonna change.

Then take your sleeve out of the eggs.

You'll see, you'll love being neat.

It's fun!

We'll vacuum together.

We'll dust together.

I'll teach you to use glass wax.

This will be great.

It'll be just like when I was a kid with my brother.

They used to call us Spic and Span.

Felix, look, I'm gonna try.

Now, don't expect miracles.

All right? It's easy. You'll see.

You'll love it. They were delicious.

Do you have any more?

Come on.

At work, I'll buy you some chocolate cigarettes.

Let's go. It's gonna be a great day for both of us.

You're not gonna smoke today

and I'm not gonna be a slob anymore.

You'll see, you can do it if you try.

Hi, gang! OSCAR: Hi, Felix.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

What, what, what?! Look at this!

What? This is the new Oscar Madison?

It was neat, but I had to look for something.

For what? Survivors?

It looks as though the Red Cross

is gonna come in and serve doughnuts.

I thought you wanted to change.

I do, but I had to get some work done;

I couldn't think about

being neat. You have to think about being neat?

Yeah. It should come naturally to you.

Myrna?

How did you quit smoking?

I went to the Smoker's Institute,

but I haven't really quit yet.

I'm still listed as a cheater.

What did they do?

Oh, electric shocks.

They wired us up and gave us cigarettes.

Then every time we went to take a puff,

they, they shocked us, like...

So that smoking became an unpleasant

experience for you, right? Yeah.

That's what we'll do with you.

We'll get you...

all wired up like Clockwork Orange.

Then every time you do something messy, I'll give you a zzst!

That way,

you'll get cured and I'll have a lot of fun.

You're a lunatic. Zzst!

It works for the smokers.

They're professional people.

They know what they're doing.

You just put your finger on it. What?

You need professional help.

Yeah, well, a neat freak with a cattle prod

going zzst, zzst... That's not professional help.

It can change your life, believe me.

You don't want to lose Phyllis, do you?

No. Leave it to me.

I'll set up an appointment.

You'll see.

It's better than zzst, zzst.

Good morning.

Oh, hello.

Are you here to see Dr. Bates?

He is. I'm Oscar Madison. I have an appointment.

Right. Just five minutes.

And you?

I'm his friend.

I'm normal.

I'm the lunatic.

He wants to be more like me.

How nice.

Felix, I'm here.

I'm not going to back out. You can go

to work now. Now...

when you talk to the doctor,

level with him about everything.

Don't hold anything back.

Try to remember

as much as you can about... puberty.

That's when the trouble usually starts.

Mr. Madison? Yes.

I'll be with you in just one moment.

Uh, Alice, would you mind

getting me another cup of coffee?

The last one was too sweet.

"Too sweet"?

Oh, but I gave you three sugars just like you asked.

Well, it was too sweet.

It's always too sweet.

Well, if you think so,

why don't you get it yourself from now on?

Because that's your job.

I already have a job.

I'm a doctor.

See? I have a diploma.

Well, I have a job, too.

I have to type.

Type?

You call that typing?

A monkey could type better than that.

I'll show you what I think of your typing.

Really?

Well, I'll show you what I think of your diploma.

You walk funny.

You are bald.

Uh... Mr. Madison, I'll see you now.

How you doin', Buster Brown?

I wouldn't be down on all psychologists

just because of one nut.

Why don't you go see another doctor?

Eh... I just don't have confidence in 'em.

Oscar, when you fall off a horse, what do you do?

The first thing you do is you climb right back on.

I'd rather go to a horse.

Let's face it.

I'm always gonna be my same self slob.

I can't help it.

Oscar, tell me...

When you were a kid...

did you have an over-protective mother?

No. Why, did you?

Oh!

I could write a book.

My mother made me wear a sweater to my wedding.

But enough of that.

Did you have a lot of friends when you were a kid?

Yeah. I was a pretty popular kid.

Mm-hmm. What about you?

No.

All the other kids were jealous of me.

Can't blame them.

I was the cutest... the smartest...

The other kids hated me.

Just once I was a week late with my milk money,

and the student court sentenced me to death.

Oh... that's water under the bridge.

What are you gonna do with that pad?

I was trying to help you,

but I can see your problem is too deep rooted.

You're right, it is. Goes back a long way.

I mean, Felix, I've been this way as long as I can remember.

Used to drive my father crazy.

Oscar?

Oscar, where are you, son?

In here, Pop.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

We have to have a talk, son.

We just had a talk last week.

Well, evidently it didn't help.

You see, your mother and I put up with all this because...

well, we thought you would grow out of it.

Grow out of what?

Oscar, you're a messy lad.

Well, that's just my style.

Well, evidently this calls for drastic measures.

If this room isn't spotlessly clean by tomorrow,

I'm not gonna place any more bets for you.

So, you see? There's no hope.

I'm a terminal slob.

I mean, if I can't be neat for my father,

how am I gonna be neat for Phyllis?

Don't you see?

Now that you know what your problem is,

you can deal with it.

You see, early in life, you established this pattern

of rebelling against your father

by messing up your room with garbage.

And that's what you're doing to this day,

only with different garbage.

See, that's where you're wrong.

Most of this is the same garbage.

He sleeps in there?

Yes.

I'll do it.

Oh!

No charge.

I'll consider it a public service.

Oh, great. That's wonderful.

Has he ever been hypnotized before?

I don't know. Is that a problem?

- Not really, I'll... - Oscar.

Hey! I want you to meet a client of mine.

Ernie Ferguson, this is Oscar Madison.

Pleased to meet you. How do you do?

Great sports fan. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. I read your column every day.

Yeah? Yeah.

That must be a tough job.

Not if like it.

Yeah? Day after day after day?

And it shows, you know?

It does? Yeah. You look tired.

I do?

Your eyes look very heavy.

Yeah?

Like there's a great weight on 'em.

Yeah?

Like you can't keep them open.

Yeah?

And your arms and shoulders are very heavy.

And your legs are very heavy.

Nothing in the world you want to do more than sleep.

Sleep, Oscar... sleep.

Is he asleep, Ernie?

Like a baby.

Boy! You could make a fortune with this!

Oscar?

Can you hear me?

You're relaxed.

You're very comfortable.

You'll do whatever I say.

Now, I'll give him a suggestion, so that you'll be able

to trigger it at just the right moment.

The right moment is Saturday night.

Fine.

Oscar, when you hear Felix say,

"The fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves..."

Shakespeare.

Right. You'll no longer be the old Oscar Madison.

You'll develop refined habits.

You'll have a passion for cleanliness.

Messiness will repel you.

That's great, great!

How do I bring him out of it?

Easy. Just snap your fingers.

Wonderful! Wonderful! Right, I'm gonna wake him.

Oscar, at the count of five, you'll awaken.

You'll remember nothing.

You'll feel very relaxed.

You'll feel very comfortable, very good.

One... two... three... four... five...

Yeah, I read your column every day.

That's terrific.

I like your style.

Thank you.

It's not too simple, it's not too florid.

I really appreciate that, thank you.

Oscar? Yeah.

How do you feel? Great. Why?

Oscar...

the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Oscar, flick your ashes on the rug.

Are you kidding?

No, go ahead. Do it for me. A favor.

He can't do it! It works.

Call me when dinner's ready, will ya?

This is very exciting, Felix.

Do you remember what you're supposed to say to him?

Yes. Tonight, you're gonna see a new Oscar Madison.

I can't wait to see if it works.

Oscar! Yeah?

Phyllis'll be here soon.

I know, I know. You don't have to...

Oh, what's the matter, Oscar?

Well, I feel I'm gonna be uncomfortable.

She's gonna judge everything I do.

Now, now, don't worry, Oscar.

Tonight, you're going to be perfect.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, there she is. Okay...

Just one thing...

Let me straighten your tie.

Remember...

the fault lies not in our stars

but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Right.

Hello, Oscar.

Good evening, Phyllis.

Hi, Felix. Come on in.

Hi.

May I take your coat?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

What a lovely dress! A little spot.

Thanks.

You look beautiful, Phyllis, just beautiful!

Thank you.

Try these hors d'oeuvres, I think you'll...

Please, not with your fingers, please.

Mmm! Look what a slob this man is! Please!

Napkins, please? Napkins! Mmm!

Oh, you forgot the napkins.

Napkins!

Oh boy, midget hot dogs.

Here, you want one of these? Felix!

Mmm!

The fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Thank you.

What happened?

When you told me I forgot the napkins, I went...

I love these midget hot dogs...

I love 'em! Oscar?

The fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Why do you keep quoting Shakespeare?

Well, he's the greatest, isn't he?

The immortal Bard of Avon.

Yes, but...

Well, shall we put on the old feed bag?

Come on, chow time, folks!

Please, your language! Please!

Phyllis, you'll sit there. Miriam here...

Oh, I forgot my manners. Thank you, Oscar.

You certainly did. Thank you, Felix.

There we are.

I think you'll like this wine. Just perfect.

Don't pour from the right, please, don't pour...

Sorry. We all make mistakes.

And not across me! And you're spilling some.

Well, to err is human... to forgive, divine.

Phyllis, I'm dying to know what you think of my salad dressing.

Mmm-mmm!

Darling... you have a salad fork for that, you see.

A salad... salad fork. It goes with...

Yes, thank you, Oscar. Usually on the left.

Thank you, thank you, yes.

Hmm?

Mmm, Felix, it's delicious. Mmm.

I'm sure that Felix could have waited for his compliment

until after you swallowed.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Felix, please, help us set an example, will you?

Oscar, are-are you coming to our opera next week?

Miriam! Hmm?

Dressing... dressing.

Oh.

Don't you hate that?!

Felix!

I don't believe this.

Oscar, will you please stop it?

I didn't do anything. She's the one who had the dressing...

All right, Oscar!

I'm sorry I criticized you,

but I didn't realize you'd take it this far.

No, I criticized you, and you'll never learn good manners

if you don't listen to me.

Oscar, maybe I didn't want to get serious,

but at least I used to enjoy being with you.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

It's like having dinner with my mother.

I'm leaving. Aw, Phyllis! Phyllis?

Oh, let her go. She's so uncouth.

Call me when you're sloppy again.

Felix, I think you better bring him out of this.

Oh, but look at him.

It's a dream come true!

But you heard what Phyllis said.

I wonder how he'll take it when he knows.

I have a pretty good idea.

I'm gonna eat upstairs.

Good luck.

Hmm...

Oscar? Mm-hmm?

Where's Miriam?

Hey, didn't I see Phyllis sitting over there?

Mm-hmm. Well, where'd they go?

Oscar. What?

I've got a story to tell you.

What?

You're gonna die laughing.

Yeah? What is it? Tell me. Before they come back. What?

Remember my friend Ernie who was here yesterday?

Yeah, nice guy. Yeah.

He's really a hypnotist.

No kidding?

And he put you under.

When? Right then?!

I don't believe it.

During this entire meal...

He gave you a post- hypnotic suggestion.

During this entire meal,

you've been behaving like a pathological neat freak.

Is that true? Tell me, how'd it go?

Terrible.

You mortally offended Phyllis. She left in tears.

If you don't go after her,

you're never gonna see her again.

I better go after her.

Listen, while I'm gone you better clean your shirt.

Does it need it?

Hey, how did your lunch go?

Great. Ah...

Phyllis and I laughed all through it.

Ah, that's wonderful. Where you going?

To my opera club.

You gonna go outside like that?

I told you, the doorman loves it!

Oh, come on...

How many really funny people are there in this building?

Oh. Oh, come on.

I thought we'd made some progress.

At least hang up your coat.

Show that to your doorman.