Original subtitles

I'd like a dish of tapioca and a glass of milk.

Cookie...

Cookie... Mr. Madison.

Shh.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Myrna, you're late.

It's a rough neighborhood.

Were you attacked again?

No, better.

I think I'm engaged.

A man gave me his hook.

Good, you can load your own cargo now.

Get out your pad, will ya?

Mr. M., you can't hold down two jobs.

Yes, I can.

Now, before the graveyard shift comes in here to eat,

I'll dictate my column to you.

Why are you doing this?

It's none of your business, Myrna.

If a secretary has to come down to a terrible place every night

for a whole week,

take dictation sitting on a broken stool,

in a diner that's on the Health Department's

enemy list, it's her business.

Okay, somebody gave me money

to get them season tickets to the Yankees.

And you bet it on a horse?

I wouldn't bet somebody else's money on just a horse.

I bet it on a horse, a sure thing.

Now I gotta replace the money fast.

Who's they?

The boys?

I'm not gonna tell you anything else and don't you tell Felix.

Now get out your pad. I'm gonna tell you...

Graveyard shift!

They got ten minutes to eat.

Last Sunday at the Texas Stadium,

not all the violence took place in the field of play...

Hey, where's that hamburger I ordered?

Hamburger. There you go. There you go.

Hey, Mac, from now on, leave the ketchup to me.

Take it, you'll like it. Try it.

Okay, where was I?

Not all the violence took place on the field of play.

Yeah. Because a lot of it took place

on the sidelines and in the stands,

in a free-for-all so wild

that one fan chewed a large chunk out of the artificial turf

and another out of a linebacker's shoulder pad...

Hey, Mac,

three BLTs to go, hold the mayo.

The ref... the referee was able to stop the fight, but the...

Hey, will ya! ...Cowboys were unable to stop the New York Giants.

Hey, I'm in a hurry! Three BLTs, hold the mayo.

The lone Dallas touchdown came when Bob Lilly...

Also, I want the meat loaf, fruit salad,

two scoops of chocolate ice cream to go.

When Bob Lilly intercepted...

The meat loaf, fruit salad, two scoops of chocolate traveling.

Where was I?

Three BLTs to go, hold the mayo,

meat loaf, fruit salad, two chocolate ice cream traveling,

too much ketchup there,

and the Dallas Cowboys blocked a veal cutlet.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

Come on! Just the way you like it.

Scrambled eggs and bacon,

toast nice and warm,

coffee hot and strong!

Scrambled two with... sides of toast...

two cups of java, midnight.

Where did you learn to do that?

Oh, you know, in college.

I worked my way through as a waiter.

If I'd known that, I could have saved 5,000 miles of walking.

Look at that, huh?

Look at what?

The prodigal roommate, huh?

Congratulations!

On what?

Three nights in a row, you come in after 4:00 in the morning.

I hear these things. So?

Yeah, you're having fun, huh? Uh-huh, uh-huh,

uh-huh. Who is she?

Who's who?

Come on, you can tell me. Tell me, come on.

Who is she? Who's who?

Come on, roomies tell each other everything.

I've got nothing to tell you, roomie.

Oh... What's she like?

Is she tall, short... thin... fat?

I like 'em fat.

Fat girls are surprisingly cheerful.

Come on, tell me, what's she like? No!

All right.

Don't get so huffy.

None of my beeswax.

Okay. I'll change the subject.

Aren't you gonna stir your coffee?

You didn't give me any spoon.

I forgot the spoon!

Oh, goodness gracious! Forgive me!

Just a minute!

I'll need a bigger cup of coffee.

What is this, King Kong's first baby spoon?

That's for an ad I'm doing.

It's for the same client

you're getting those baseball tickets for,

for the Yankees, the season tickets.

Sure thing.

Yeah. When can I tell my client to expect them?

Well, as soon as the check clears, you know.

I gave you cash.

I know you gave me cash.

They only take checks.

Isn't that strange?

Well, that's their bookkeeping.

Leave me alone, will ya? You'll get your tickets.

Wow, what a nudge!

I hope when the mayor throws out the first ball,

he hits your client on the head!

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Come in, it's open.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Myrna.

Is Mr. M. here?

He's here. He's washing up.

I brought the column over here for him to proofread.

Can't he do that at the office?

Not until this afternoon.

He has a morning interview with a jockey.

Ah.

You had a big breakfast, Mr. Unger?

That's for a milk ad I'm doing.

My, he's a... he's a busy boy, isn't he?

Yeah, busy as a bee.

Who is she?

Who?

The girl he's dating.

Mr. Madison? Yeah.

I didn't know he was seeing a girl.

Oh, hi, Myrna.

Bye-bye, Felix.

Did you wash?

Mm.

Don't you want to proofread your column?

Oh, yeah.

Perfect. There you go.

Is that the way he proofreads his column?

He just looked at it.

Well, uh... he's got photographic eyes.

I've never seen him so tired.

I'm worried about his health.

Me, too.

You don't think it's girl trouble, huh?

No.

Aren't you gonna ask me if it's something else?

Is it something else?

Yeah.

What? I can't tell you.

Why not?

I gave my word.

Where?

Good.

Good, what?

I promised I wouldn't tell you what,

but I didn't say I wouldn't tell you where.

912 Wharf Street.

There, now you know everything.

What do I know?

912 Wharf Street. What?

7:00. Uh, you'd better eat before you go there.

912 Wharf Street...

that's down at the docks.

7:00... it'll be dark.

I'd better bring my big spoon.

Happy anniversary!

This is where we met.

Let's take the same seats.

Myrna?

This is Mr. Unger.

It's 7:00 and I'm where you said I should be,

but I don't see Oscar.

No, the place is a den of filth.

No, the only people here are a cook,

a couple of drunks and a counterman who looks... oh.

Oscar!

My name is Cookie.

Cookie?

Whatever it is you want, sir,

I'm sure we're out of it.

So why don't you leave and never come back, huh?

Oscar, I couldn't believe my eyes.

I was on the phone looking straight at you.

I didn't know it was you in a greasy apron.

The greasy part I can believe, but...

What are you doing here?

It's none of your business! Will you get lost, Felix?

I'm not going to get lost. What are you doing here?

I was walking down the street, this guy stopped me.

He says, "What's the capital of Bolivia?"

Right? I hesitated. Three sailors jumped out of an alley.

They rapped me on the head. They threw me in a bag.

Next thing I know, I was mixing chicken salad.

I don't believe a word of that.

Everybody knows the capital of Bolivia is La Paz.

You see, you just saved a rap on the head.

What are you doing?

Sleepwalking.

Oscar, what is this?

I have total amnesia.

Who are you, sir?

Waiter...!

Hey, Cookie, serve the drunks.

Yeah, lady, what is it?

Oscar, this isn't your element.

Let's get out of here. Will you leave?

No, I'm not going to leave.

Then I'm going to throw you out.

You can't throw me out. You see that sign?

"We reserve the right to refuse to serve anyone." Get out.

Obviously a right which has never been exercised!

Sir... are you referring to my wife?

Come on, honey, let's go someplace

where all of the customers ain't such a jerk.

What's the beef? "What's the beef?"

This used to be a decent, respectable establishment

before you started catering to this weird riffraff

in... in jackets and ties.

This is what happens when you don't have a cover charge.

Oscar, do you enjoy these types?

Felix, please, do me a favor.

Here, sit down, order something to eat.

You're gonna get me fired.

I'll explain later.

I wouldn't drink the water in this place.

If you can't tell me what's wrong, who can you tell?

All right, I'll tell you. I violated a trust.

Somebody gave me some money to buy something, and I gambled it away.

Oscar!

Here I'm not Oscar.

Cookie! Cookie!

So you're moonlighting to pay off your debt?

Yeah.

Well, that's admirable,

but... you can't do this. You're dying of fatigue.

You're gonna jeopardize your job with the newspaper.

I'll loan you the money.

No, I can't accept a loan from you. Why not?

Well, I can't tell you that either.

Is the person you borrowed the money from a friend?

Oh, yeah. Then go to him

as a friend and tell him what happened.

If he's a friend, he'll understand.

But you can't work here.

You know, you're absolutely right.

And you are my friend...

You know the money you gave me

to get your client season tickets for the Yankees?

Yeah.

Yes?

Well, that's the money I gambled away.

Thief! What?

Wait! Thief!

Don't anybody move!

I'm an off-duty policeman.

What?!

More thieves?

From now on, I only hire ex-cons!

Step in here, young man.

Oscar.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Felix, I feel a lecture coming on.

I'm not in the mood, okay?

Where do you think you're going?

To my room.

You will come back here.

You will sit right there.

Do I have to sit there?

Right there!

Oscar... Can I have a beer?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Do I have to sit there?

Sit wherever you wish.

You may not sit there on the arm!

Oscar, what shall I do?

I'll accept anything but a spanking.

What do you intend to do?

I figure I'll go back to the diner,

I'll beg for my job back.

In a couple of weeks, I'll have the money.

In two weeks, you'll lose your job on the paper,

and you'll be out in the gutter.

You'll be on skid row, sleeping in a flophouse.

Not that you'd ever know the difference.

Felix, it's the only way I can get money.

I don't have a choice. No, no, no. You've got a choice.

I'll put up the money.

You'll pay me back whenever you can.

No, Felix. No.

If I'm ever gonna learn not to gamble

with other people's money, I gotta pay for my mistakes.

No, no... You were right when you called me a thief.

No, you're not a thief.

You're an embezzler.

Oscar, you're such a silly guy.

I'm your friend.

I'm your buddy.

That's what friends are for, to help each other,

to understand each other, to forgive each other,

no matter what terrible thing one of them has done to the other.

This whole thing's in the past.

We just gotta forget it.

We're not gonna talk about the money anymore.

You surprise me, Felix.

I... I never dreamed you'd be this understanding.

You know my problem. Come on, come on, come on.

You're right, I should have come to you from the beginning.

Just don't be afraid to come to me anytime.

I won't.

Thank you, Felix.

Good night, buddy.

First, I'll have to buy my client his box seat

at Yankee Stadium.

So, there goes my Christmas in Buffalo with my brother.

I'll send him a card.

It's back to domestic wines, of course.

Better call Gloria.

I promised the kids

I'd send them to camp next summer.

They'll stay in town.

They'll splash around the fire hydrant.

They'll understand.

They love their Uncle Oscar.

I'd rather have the spanking.

Oh, Felix, I'm glad I caught you before you went.

Okay, I owe you $400, right?

There's $300 of it right there.

Come on, come on. Where'd you get this?

Well, I hocked a few things.

What?

My saxophone.

You don't play the saxophone.

I know. I just have it for hocking.

What else did you do?

Please, will you, Felix?

I'm still dizzy from the blood bank.

You got any liver?

You donated blood?

It wasn't a donation.

They gave me $35.

Th-This is blood money!

I feel funny about this.

Oh, stop, will you?

What are you doing?

Sterilizing the wound.

With beer?

It's got alcohol in it.

What else did you hock?

My tape recorder and my typewriter.

Oh, Oscar!

Those are your livelihood!

I can write longhand.

I didn't hock my pencils.

I-I don't feel right about this...

No, now, you gotta... I couldn't sleep last night.

Had a nightmare that a giant fire hydrant

splashed your kids with domestic wine.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go back to the diner, work four more days,

I'll have the other hundred I owe you.

No, no, no! I know a better way for you to earn $100.

You'll work in my studio for a couple of days.

Oh, no, I don't want a handout.

It's not a handout.

I'm doing that big milk layout. I need help.

I don't know anything about photography.

You don't have to know anything about photography.

I need someone for heavy moving

and general dirty work and a lot of lifting.

My regular girl quit.

Don't lift that heavy stuff. I want to earn the money.

Then help me... bring in the other section.

You got it. You got it.

Bring in the bales of hay.

Look at this.

Leave it to you to get neat hay.

There we go.

Okay. How does that look?

Look at that. Ah, boy.

That looks like a real farm.

Real farm?

Miniature golf grass and a painting by numbers.

What's that?

All right, now, come here.

Look through the camera.

Now what do you see?

Hey, that's great!

An upside-down farm.

And that's not all.

Remember your Mother Goose?

"Hey, diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,

the cow jumped over the moon."

Ah... FELIX: "The little dog laughed

to see such sport and the dish ran away with the spoon."

We've got beautiful girls to play those parts.

Girls are coming over here?

You will not think of them as girls.

The minute they walk through that door,

they are professional models.

You will think of them only as colleagues and coworkers.

Right, right.

Now, I want you to distribute these props

all over the set. Right.

I'll be loading these film holders in the darkroom.

You got it, buddy.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi, girls... uh, colleagues,

coworkers, uh... I'm Oscar Madison.

We're gonna be working together.

Are you the Oscar Madison, the sportswriter?

Well, yes, I am.

I read your column all the time.

You do? Oh, so do I. Yeah.

Is that right?

Go figure... Pretty girls love sports, and...

Well, I'd like to stand around here all day and gab with you,

but we've got a lot of work to do, you know.

Oh, sure, we understand.

Where do we change? In there.

Your wardrobe's laid out and everything.

Colleagues... coworkers.

We're ready.

So am I.

For work, I mean.

Oh, you do photography, too?

Ah... well, I dabble, I dabble in photography.

It's sort of a hobby, you know.

Well, what do we do?

Well, we're, uh... doing the Mother Goose theme.

I'm sure you're familiar with that old classic,

"Hey, diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle"?

You see... Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we set this up for Mr. Unger and surprise him?

Wouldn't that be great?

Yeah?

Mr. Unger, we're ready.

Okay.

Hello, everybody.

Well, you did this, huh? Yeah.

Very clever. Thank you.

Early Andrews Sisters.

Well, we'll be ready to shoot as soon as Florence gets here.

She didn't show up.

Yeah, she's in the room across the hall.

You go get her.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Nice job, Oscar.

Thank you, Felix.

All right, let's break up the Andrews Sisters, shall we?

All right, cat and the fiddle back there

against the railing.

Dog right with her.

Just a minute.

We don't need this here.

Great body, not much of a face.

Okay, turn off the overheads.

Hey! Hey! Oscar, hey, what...?

Let me down, you oaf!

Big smile. Big, big, big.

That's good. Hold.

Very good. Thank you, girls.

That's a wrap for tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Boy, you girls were terrific.

Oscar?

What are you and Felix doing after work tonight?

What have you got in mind?

Well, we're all going to a party

and thought maybe you'd like to join us.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You change, I'll tell Felix, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, Felix.

Our colleagues are turning back into girls tonight.

They want us to come and watch.

We can't.

What do you mean, we can't?

I've got tickets to the opera.

Then I'll go alone.

What about Florence?

I don't think I can get her a date on such short notice.

Oscar, someone's gotta stay here overnight with Florence.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, of course.

You think I'm giving you a hundred dollars

for one day's work.

Well, the cow's gotta stay here overnight.

Don't stand there in dumb amazement.

The nearest barn is in Connecticut.

Whenever I work with animals, my regular girl stays.

Well, she wouldn't stay with a snake, but that's understandable.

I've got a cot.

For me or the cow?

I thought you understood. I'm sorry.

All right, forget it.

I'll finish my job.

Look at this, I'm the midnight cowboy.

It's got fewer calories than you.

Hi.

What are you doing here? I thought you went to the opera.

Ah, I thought about you.

The opera was Carmen,

and when the baritone began to sing

The "Toreador Song," I thought about you and the cow.

I guess I'm just a softie.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I learned a valuable lesson. What?

He who bets on animals sits with animals.

It's kind of nice, isn't it? What?

Reminds me of my boyhood on my grandmother's farm,

Glenville, New York.

She had a cow, too, just like Florence.

Yeah? Yeah.

Her name was Alice.

Oh, I loved her.

I carry a memento of her to this day.

Yeah, what?

This belt.

Oscar, the pictures came out great!

They're gonna love the ad.

Good.

What are you standing there smiling at?

You were so great to me, you helped me, you know...

to pay you back and everything,

I decided to do something for you. What?

I cleaned my room.

No. Come here.

You're gonna love it. Come here.

Well... I'm very impressed.

At ease, soldier.

Cookie.