Original subtitles

Please try not to move your head too much, Mr. Madison.

It won't dry properly.

Look, Oscar. Look at this X-ray.

It's the tooth that wouldn't take the filling.

The one I filled six months ago; it still holds.

How come? The other one lasted a week

and ended up in some Turkish taffy.

Well, this one will never fall out.

The glue I used is my own secret formula.

What's so secret about it?

You know, I know I can trust you, right?

I can tell by your teeth you're an honest man.

You can tell by my teeth?

What am I, a horse?

You know, I've been a dentist for 20 years,

and one thing I learned is that teeth don't lie.

You know, the first man to talk out against Hitler

was his dentist?

I didn't know that.

What's the big secret about your glue?

Barnacles. Barnacles?

Yeah. You know how barnacles stick to the sides of ships.

Well, I made this out of my barnacle glue.

Now, watch this.

I take a little bit of the glue,

put the cup there.

Go ahead, try to move it.

Oh, come on, it's still wet.

That'll be easy. No, no, it's fast drying.

Holy mackerel, that stuff is terrific. Uh-huh.

I never saw anything better advertised on television.

You ought to market that.

I am. My brother-in-law is backing me. Hear that?

I never can get in on the ground floor

of something good like that.

You want to come in?

What about your brother-in-law?

I'd rather have you come in.

I don't trust him.

Bad teeth? False teeth.

How much you need?

$2,000, but I need it right away.

You've got a deal.

I'll get it from my roommate, Felix.

Can you trust him? Are you kidding?

No cavities!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hiya, buddy.

Tired feet?

I just came from covering a mixed marriage.

150 people in a two-room apartment.

It was so hot, the ice goose melted.

Not only that,

the bride's grandmother made me dance the kazatsky.

The other side made me dance the tarantella.

You must be hungry.

I'm too tired to cook.

No, I'll make dinner. I'll make some sandwiches.

You? Yeah. What do you want?

Egg salad, tuna salad, chicken salad...?

Egg salad. You've got it.

No ketchup.

Here you go, egg salad sandwich.

You're sure you didn't go to too much trouble?

I passed the cafeteria on my way home.

85 cents. You want me to pay you now?

You got a great sense of humor.

That's why I love you. No, it's on me.

And I got something to drink to go with it. I don't want a beer.

Who's talking about a beer? I got something special here.

I got a mint julep.

It goes terrific with an egg salad sandwich.

It's got a sprig of mint in it.

Put your feet up, old buddy, put your feet up.

Put your head back, close your eyes...

What, what, what, what? You want something. No.

What? Money? No.

What horse is it this time?

That's the thanks I get.

I knew you were going to have a rough day.

You always do for me, I thought I would do for you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

I apologize! I took it out on you!

How much do you need? $2,000.

Forget it.

We've got a chance to get in on a terrific investment.

Another investment? Yeah.

Like those oil wells in Vermont?

We drilled for over a year and found 15 barrels of maple syrup.

Will you forget about the syrup?

Felix, what is the stickiest substance on earth?

This egg salad.

Will you be serious? All right.

Out at sea, what is it that ships have?

Singles dances! How do I know?

Will you stop already? Barnacles, Felix, barnacles!

They stick to the hull of the ship... Barnacles.

It's a simple sea creature

that secretes the strongest glue on earth.

You know, when they attach to a ship, they have to be blasted off, right?

I know a guy who has discovered their secret. Here, lookit.

You mean I'm holding barnacle waste in my hand?

And the most powerful glue known to man and ship.

So now I'm supposed to give you all my money?

If you had a brain in your head,

you'd give me all of your money to invest

in the greatest discovery since cockroach powder.

It's an interesting choice.

I don't have a brain in my head, All right.

So forget it. No!

I won't to let you in on the ground floor. Fine, fine.

All right. That's it, as long as I know.

Okay. By the way, Gloria called. She wants you to call her back.

Why didn't you tell me?

I just thought about it.

Oh, it's funny. It's clever, yeah. Yeah?

You glued the phone. Go ahead, see if you can...

Go ahead, try it, try it. You can't...

Get somebody to help you.

Go ahead. Try to get Atlas to help you.

Go ahead. You couldn't get Godzilla to take this off,

I'm telling you.

It's great for ruining phones.

It's great for every... How can I convince you?

Look what I did here. What?

I'll show you. Here.

I glued my pencil to a bowling ball.

Oh, boy, you had a busy day!

Big deal!

All right, you're gonna see big deal.

Watch this, okay, buddy?

It's heavier than I thought.

Okay. There you go, buddy.

Big deal, huh?

Okay. Are you impressed?

Who invented this glue?

My dentist.

An inventing dentist?

We put him on Ted Mack.

Come on, you don't mean it.

The worst thing that could happen is, you'll find out

you don't have any cavities.

You're next.

Hi, Elmo. Hey, Oscar.

Say hello to my roommate, Felix Unger.

Felix, say hello to a great inventor, a good dentist,

Dr. Elmo Most. Dr. Most.

Felix is thinking of investing in our project.

Oh. Mr. Unger, I'm a modest man who happens to be a genius.

Mm-hmm. He won a high school science fair.

Mm.

Would you mind sitting in my chair, please?

I always talk better to people

when they're sitting in the chair.

Humor the genius. Please.

Now, just relax.

This won't hurt.

Just open wide.

Nice.

Very nice.

He has very trustworthy teeth.

But he has suspicious gums.

And gums don't lie.

I am suspicious of this miracle mucilage of yours.

Glue. Glue.

What do you need extra money for?

Well, refinement, development...

Hmm. What kind of refinement?

Well, for one thing, I can't get this lid off the jar. It sticks.

Your money will help us to solve that problem.

Who wants to buy glue that sticks to the inside of the tube?

Right now I can only use small amounts,

but with further refinement, I know it'll mass produce.

How much have you put in yourself?

Ten thousand.

That's a lot of fillings.

You want me to show you a demonstration?

No, no, no, no.

I've seen it demonstrated.

It ruined my bowling ball.

I wonder if Mr. Madison and I could have a moment to, um...

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Make yourselves at home.

Rinse... spit... do anything you want.

Well, what do you think?

Mm-hmm-hmm... What's mm-hmm-hmm?

What? Mm-hmm.

Again, what is it? It's too risky.

It's such a small risk for such a big payoff... $2000.

It's a drop in the bucket to you.

Oscar, you... you labor under a serious misconception.

How much money do you think I've got?

You're not the only one who pays alimony.

I send Gloria and the kids a lot of money every month.

Oh, I was there. It wasn't a bad settlement.

It was a miserable settlement.

How could you expect any woman to live on that kind of pittance

that judge awarded?

Felix, you must have money somewhere

hidden in a vacuum bag...

The only money I've got

is earmarked for my wife and kids.

They're my principal investment.

That's the way it's going to remain. What are you going to do?

You got a little bit of spinach there. Well, rinse it. It'll wash away.

Don't worry about it. It'll wash away.

Don't do... Now, are you in or out?

I'm out. I have no faith in the glue business or in your doctor.

Sorry to let you down like this.

Boy! That must have been some party.

Our phones don't do this.

Will you fix it?

Does it ring? Yeah.

Then it's fixed.

But I, I, I can't lift it out.

It's not my department.

Well, you're a phone man.

Look, I handle mechanical failures and disturbances

on the line, not glue.

What happens now?

Well, now, your case is gonna be turned

over to Defacement and Vandalism,

and you could be in real serious trouble.

What can you do to me?

Anything we want.

Huh, we're a monopoly.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Another party, huh?

Hi, Mr. Unger. Myrna, Murray, what are you doing here?

Hi, Felix. Come in, come in!

We're here for the first glue investors meeting.

Glue investors?

You mean Oscar talked you out of some money?

No, he's letting us in on the ground floor

of the greatest thing since the shoelace.

This is very risky.

I think it's exciting.

We're in on a brand-new invention,

and I'm getting my teeth capped for free.

I had to talk my wife into letting me

draw the money out of our joint account.

We've been saving up for twin water beds.

Have some fruit.

No, it's gaseous.

Where is the captain of industry?

He's with our major investor.

Yeah, we just put in a little bit.

You mean he's found himself a big fish, huh?

Yeah. We're just little guppies.

Well, here is the mastermind of the glue scandal.

Aren't you proud of yourself?

Bilking your underpaid secretary out of a pittance?

Taking advantage of New York's dumbest?

Who's the sucker you're taking to the cleaners?

Your ex-wife, Gloria.

Column type.

The expansion teams of today

are the Super Bowl champs of tomorrow.

Got that? Yeah. It's a real grabber, Mr. M.

That'll sell papers.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, Mr. Unger. Hello.

The football...

You don't look happy.

Why should I look happy?

Roommate went around slinking behind my back.

Plundered my children's college fund.

Forget about it. Let's get this column out. It's important.

The football coach, I went over to Gloria's house to try

to talk some sense into her. who for years have been talking about establishing...

Would you like to know what happened? No. Yeah.

I'll start at the beginning.

I walked up to the door.

I rang the bell. Gloria opened the door.

She said "Hello, Felix." I said, "Hello, Gloria."

Leonard and Edna weren't at home.

Wait a minute, you're going too fast, but you're okay.

I said, "Gloria, don't you think you should reconsider

throwing your money away on Oscar's fly-by-night scheme?"

Do you know what she said? No.

I'll tell you what she said!

She said, "Felix, I want to think for myself."

Put your head down.

I said, "Why should you think for yourself

when you've got me to think for you?"

That's when Manny called me a male chauvinist.

- Who's Manny? - Never mind.

Fellow putting up the venetian blinds.

Gloria's stubborn, and she's obstinate,

but she's not stupid.

She agreed that I should take care of her investment.

What do you mean, you're gonna take care of her investment?

I mean that I have her proxy

on all decisions made from this moment on,

and this is one investment

that's going to skyrocket to big bucks, buddy!

Lucky you, you're along for a free ride.

Wait a minute, Mr. Proxy.

Who died and left you the boss?

Gloria is the biggest investor in this barnacle madness,

which automatically makes me president.

Now, with your permission,

I'm going to read my encyclopedia,

try to find out about barnacles and glue.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna tell Elmo

to fight this coup d'etat.

And Elmo will listen to me

because Unger's the name and glue is my game!

Good-bye, Mr. President.

How do you like that guy?

I want him in, he doesn't want to come in.

I get his wife in, then he comes in, he pushes me out!

And he becomes president because "Glue is my game."

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

when first we practice to deceive."

What?

Have you ever been kissed

by a man with cotton in his mouth?

Yeah, Eli Whitney.

You're cute.

Don't talk.

Let the anesthesia work.

You're feeling groggy, huh? Yeah.

When do I get to la-la land?

You'll be out in a few minutes.

Good... I'm flying free.

I feel like a big, big balloon.

Hi.

And here comes the pin.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Elmo.

Hey, there.

I knew I'd find you both here,

so I thought, what better time

to hold a stockholders meeting, huh?

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Not now, Felix. I'm right in the middle

of working on Oscar, and he's under anesthesia. Oh?

Well, you're the one I want to talk to anyway.

It'll only take a minute.

What's so important?

I've got a marvelous idea,

but naturally I need your approval.

What'd you say, Oscar?

Don't, don't pay any attention to him.

Just listen to me. Listen. Listen.

We've got only so much money

to work with, right? Right.

And most of it is Gloria's, right?

So, what we want to do is make that money work for us.

Now, I've set up a meeting

with the board of directors of the GCA,

the Glueco Corporation of America.

What for?

We'll show them Elmo's glue.

We'll convince them, they'll flip over it,

and they'll buy the rights to manufacture it.

You mean sell it to them?

Sure. Let them pay for the cost

of future development.

They'll take risks while we sit back

and rake in the nifty profit, right?

What a great idea, huh?

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put on a professional presentation.

We'll have maps, we'll have graphs, we'll have charts

and an amazing demonstration.

What do we know about presentations?

We're not pros. It'll cost a fortune.

Normally, yes, but I am a pro, and with your help,

with everybody's help, I know I can pull this thing off.

Gee, I'd like to do more research.

Of course you would. You see, you're with me.

Won't even need a cent of money.

What do you say? We'll go. I know I can do it.

Well, I have to check it out with Oscar.

If he says okay, I'll go along with it.

After all, he knows you better than anybody else.

Okay with me.

What do you say, Oscar? Hey, buddy.

You got faith in Felix?

He would have said yes.

Felix, please! Don't bore them

with the story about the history of glue.

The history of glue is not boring.

It proves that we're sincere.

Felix, they're businessmen.

Who's running this demonstration? I am!

All right. Go to your post!

You got it. Okay. Okay.

Hello. FELIX: Hello.

I'm John Abernathy.

This is Steve Abernathy and Pop Abernathy.

How do you do?

Gentlemen, you may present your presentation.

Thank you.

Gentlemen... What's your name?

Felix.

Oh, Felix. Like the cat?

Yes.

Gentlemen... And what's his name?

That's Murray, and this is Elmo.

Pop, please, please, please.

Gentlemen... I propose to tell you

the story of glue.

We're glue men.

We know everything about it.

Now, wait a minute.

I'd like to hear it.

I love a good glue story.

Go ahead, Felix the Cat.

Now, gentlemen, when you think of the country of Holland,

what do you think of?

Windmills, wooden shoes, tulips...

Haircuts...

Haircuts?

Yes, those Dutch Boy haircuts.

Oh, that's very good... Pop.

Pop.

But when you think of Holland, do you ever think of glue?

Or of the year 1690?

For it was in that year,

in Holland, that glue was first made,

according to that great glue historian John Delmonte.

Murray, you're pointing to Finland.

Now you're in Africa.

It was at that time that the Dutch first made glue

by solubilizing certain vegetables such as...

Corn!

Ooh, sticky, ja?

Ja!

I don't think we'd like this

on the back of our postage stamps, would we?

Thank you, Katrinka.

That was a good story, John.

I like Katrinka.

Now, as the glue industry moved

from Holland, right here,

to England, right here,

new methods of making glue were discovered.

Glue was obtained from hides and bone.

And what animal do you suppose was the principal contributor?

The horsie.

Right.

The poor horsie.

That's the end of the business I always hated.

Well, be of good cheer, sir,

for the poor horse is no longer necessary

in the manufacture of glue.

And do you know why?

Why?

Barnacles!

Barnacles? Barnacles?

Barnacles, gentlemen.

This lowly sea creature

has disclosed to Dr. Elmo Most

her secret of the most powerful glue known on earth.

But, you may ask,

what does this mean to the average man?

What does this mean to the average man?

Pop, please!

Well, he said "You may ask," so I asked.

Let's find out.

Let's take a stroll down the lane and see who we run into.

Who is that?

His name is Oscar.

Hi, Oscar.

Sir? Yes, sir.

You look like an average man. Thank you.

May I ask you of your experiences with glue?

Oh, I have had terrible experiences with glue, sir.

I can't seem to find a satisfactory glue

that would satisfy all my glue needs.

And do most of your friends feel the same way?

Yes, they do.

We wish we could find a glue that we could...

Trust. Trust.

Thank you, stranger.

Well, Mr. Average Man, you're in luck.

Have you ever heard of Elmo's Barnacle Glue?

Elmo's Barnacle Glue.

What an interesting name.

Do you know of the amazing properties

of Elmo's Barnacle Glue? No... and, and...

Felix. What's the matter?

My filling just fell out.

Thank you, Mr. Average Man.

Good actor.

Now for our demonstration.

Uh... is-is that the end of the story?

Yes.

I only stay for the stories.

You can do what you want, John,

but I'd buy some of his glue.

If it's good enough for Oscar, it's good enough for me.

Thanks for the horsie.

Now that my father's gone,

let's get down to business.

What does your glue do?

I'll give you two minutes.

Yes, sir, well, two minutes, two minutes.

Exactly what I need. Two minutes.

Sir, before you came into the room,

I took the liberty of applying Elmo's Barnacle Glue

to several objects in this room.

As a matter of fact,

the legs of the very chair you're sitting in

have been neatly sawed off and glued back with

Elmo's Barnacle Glue. You look a little skeptical.

I was a skeptic once myself, sir,

until a friend came to my home

and showed me an amazing demonstration.

He glued my phone.

A glued phone, you say?

What could that do?

Let's find out when we try to answer the phone.

Ring!

I'm sorry I can't talk now.

I thought you glued the phone. I did.

Let's look around us and see what else

we see. Ah!

A pencil glued to a bowling ball.

A bowling ball picked up by a pencil?

Impossible, you say... As indeed it is.

Write down that word, impossible...

Mr. Unger, I think I've seen quite enough.

Pleas, just let us show you

one more thing. Please sit down.

Please.

Well, I think our two minutes is about up.

Felix, this was real exciting.

When that guy hit the floor...

I almost died.

I just talked to Elmo.

He figured out what was wrong.

Barnacle glue won't hold

for any length of time unless it's wet.

Water is the secret ingredient.

Some scientist.

Then how come your filling fell out?

Well, you made me so nervous

with that cockamamie presentation,

my mouth went dry.

So long, guys.

Well, we lost our money.

No. He's gonna give us back our investment.

How come?

The Glueco Corporation

is gonna give him a grant to do some research.

They think he could beat the problem.

They said we shouldn't have rushed

into making a presentation.

Well, then it's all for the best, though.

We're still in business. No, we're not.

They're giving him the money under one condition...

He gets rid of us.

He wouldn't sell us out.

Are you kidding? He wouldn't even replace my filling.

He gave me the name of another dentist.

So Elmo's the only one who came out ahead, huh? Yeah.

Well, my Katrinka, my dear...

would you like me to show you how we jar the glue?

Ja.

I mean, put the caps on it?

Ja.

Good. Well, come right this way, my dear.

Ja.

Ja, right this way.

Ja.

Guess he got tired of playing with the horsie.

What's that stuff you're making?

Egg salad.

Good, too. Not like that ersatz you brought home.

Want a taste?

No. I'm not hungry.

I'm still upset about that glue.

Yeah. Well, it wasn't in the cards.

I don't know.

I thought it was a sure thing.

I, I was counting the royalties already.

Oscar, guys like us, we're just...

We're not supposed to win the jackpot.

That's all there is to it.

Yeah, I guess it's the breaks.

I remember when I was a kid, I hit a ball down the sewer.

I went looking for it, and I found there a bag of money.

So I went for it, see, and I, I ripped my pants

I split my forehead, but I got it.

And I brought it home to my mother; she said,

"You gotta bring it around to the neighborhood

and find out who it belongs to.

So I went out, and I found

that the Koropkins Tailor Shop had been robbed, see.

So I went home and she said,

"Now you gotta take it back to him;

maybe he'll give you a reward."

Did he?

Yeah. He sewed up my pants.