Original subtitles

Oscar?

I want to talk to you.

Wh-Which lump are you?

Ohhh.

Have you been sleepwalking?

Where would I go in the middle of the night?

What's the matter?

I don't know... There... there's strange noises.

I hear moaning and groaning.

And then I heard loud footsteps.

Then something like a... a ticking sound.

What could it be?

Fat mice with pocket watches?

Come on, Oscar. What do you think it is?

I don't know. Maybe it's a ghost.

There's no such thing as ghosts...

There are strange things going on at night.

Put out the light and you won't see it.

I know it.

There must be some logical explanation.

Oscar!

Huh?!

Did you feel a... a slight earthquake?

No.

Did you loosen the picture over the fireplace?

No.

Then we've got a ghost!

Well, tell him to keep it down. I'm trying to sleep.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

The paint doesn't quite match, does it?

Well, you're gonna put the picture back up, aren't you?

Well, yes, but... Then who'll know?

Well, I'll know.

But don't tell anybody.

It's a very, very peculiar thing about that picture...

falling off the wall in the middle of the night last night.

Well, things happen.

You know this is an old building, you know.

Old plaster, old ceiling, old walls, old floors... old!

You've been here a long time, haven't you?

I'm also old.

In the time you've been the superintendent here,

have the tenants ever complained about... noises in the night?

What kind?

It's very difficult to explain.

Sort of like...

Not since they closed the Mexican restaurant downstairs.

Who was the former tenant in this apartment?

Well, Irving Cohan.

A strange guy.

A retired postman.

Never went anywheres, never saw anybody.

Come down in the morning,

get his mail and throw it in the garbage.

Would you know why he moved?

Yes. Death.

You wouldn't happen to know the reasons for his death, would you?

No. There are two things I learned on this job.

Never ask any questions, and be here Christmas Day.

Well, I gotta be going, Mr. Unger.

See you at Christmas.

Ee-ow, boy!

What, are you still jumpy?

The paint doesn't match.

We've got a problem.

What kind of problem?

Things that go bump in the night.

Pictures falling off walls...

Felix, I think your new nasal spray's making you hallucinate.

Ever since I played Hamlet, junior high,

I've been fascinated by ghosts.

Also I haven't been able to make a simple decision, but that's...

Oscar... does the name

Irving Cohan ring a bell?

In Hamlet?

Let me see...

"Alas, poor Irving, I knew..." No, it doesn't...

How did you get this apartment?

Like everybody in New York got their apartment.

How, precisely?

Precisely by looking in the obituary columns

to see who died in a good neighborhood,

then rushing around and grabbing their apartment.

And yet you've never heard of Irving Cohan?

Oh, that Irving...

The guy who died so I could get the apartment.

I remember... Aha.

What "aha"? What?

Don't you see?

What?

He's come back.

Why?

For his deposit?

Irving the postman is our ghost.

I can feel it.

He's come back for something.

Oscar... when you moved in here...

was there anything... anything at all... in the apartment?

No...!

Nothing!

Come on!

Was there a box? A crate?

Old clothes?

Felix, there was nothing in here except the air conditioner.

The air conditioner!

I've always sensed something strange

about this air conditioner.

If Irving's come back, this is where he is.

Let's put it on exhaust and blow him out.

You're not taking this seriously, are you...?

Of course, I'm not. What...?

We've got a legitimate problem.

We've got to tackle it

logically, rationally, scientifically.

How you gonna do that?

I'm going to hold a seance.

You gonna bring in a Gypsy lady, a lot of people sit around

the table and make it go up and down?

I'm not gonna bring in some phony.

I'll do it myself.

Well, count me out.

You're not gonna be here for my seance? Of course not.

But suppose I contact Irving and he wants to ask for you?

Take a message.

Om...

Om...

Om... Boy! This is spooky.

Yeah, look at all this stuff.

Om... That's a real skull!

I'm scared.

I wonder how he died.

Ommm...

Probably from that candle stuck in his head.

Oh, spirit of the great unknown...

move into our magic circle.

And sign in, please.

This won't work unless we're all very serious.

Now... repeat after me... Om...

Om... Om... Om...

Ah...

Ah... Ah... Ah...

Don't repeat that. That's just...

The incense went up my nose.

Now, everybody hold hands and close your eyes.

It's very important that you keep your eyes closed.

Hmm...

Hmm... Hmm... Hmm...

Oh, spirits of other worlds,

grace us with your presence...

Oh, somewhere out in the great unknown...

we know there's a spirit named Irving Cohan.

Hey, Felix, that rhymes.

Oh, multitudinous spirits of the infinite...

we wish to communicate...

I think it got through, Mr. Unger.

Look at this.

Looks like an orgy in a lifeboat.

Oh... Oscar!

You're just in time, Mr. M.

Yeah, Oscar, we're having a seance.

Oh, he's not interested in a seance.

That's true, that is true.

May we please continue in peace?! In a minute.

You got your spirits; let me get my spirits.

Don't you want to get in touch with another world?

Yeah, and these are gonna help me, baby.

All right, now everybody hold hands and moan and sway.

This time try to moan... not in harmony.

We are gathered in this magic circle

to make contact with the spirits...

Oh, Spirits, make your presence known.

Is something supposed to happen now?

Yeah, there's supposed to be a clanging

or tapping, right, Mr. Unger?

Yes. One tap for "yes", two taps for "no."

Spirit, are you here?

"No"?

A-Are you sure you got your instructions right?

"Yes."

Then you're not here.

That-That means... are you someplace else?

The great beyond?

He's reading us loud and clear, Felix!

It's getting spooky.

Oh, spirit... spirit!

We hear your footsteps.

Irving!

Irving Cohan, we feel your closeness.

He's coming closer, he's coming closer.

He's here! He's here!

We feel your closeness.

Keep your eyes closed or he'll go away.

I want him to go away.

Oh, Irving, Irving, do you have a message for us?

Yes, a chain letter.

That just about does it, Mr. Practical Joker!

Aw, come on. I was just having a little fun.

Fun?! You think it's fun to shatter a solemn ceremony?

Felix, what solemn ceremony?

You always go too far.

Now, come on, let this be the end of the ghost...

No! It's not the end of the ghost, 'cause I know there are ghosts.

I just know it!

What's that?

It sounded like a scream.

S-Somebody do something!

Oh, it's just Oscar fooling around.

Oh, I think it's Myrna! Oh, Myrna!

I got the ghost.

I'm bringing it right out.

What?

Here.

Oh!

From the great beyond.

It's a pigeon.

It was behind the radiator.

Must have got stuck in the vent.

Oh, the poor pigeon.

Means I'll be up all night cleaning behind the radiator.

Poor little thing, it must be scared out of its wits.

Must have been back there for days. Three days.

That's how long you've been hearing ghosts, right, Felix?

Three days? Right.

What are we gonna do about the ghost?

If nobody wants the pigeon, I'll take him.

There's a lot of statues in my neighborhood.

Good night, Felix. You coming up later?

I don't know.

Well, let me know when you decide.

One tap for "yes," two taps for "no."

Bye!

Bye-bye.

Eh, good night, guys.

I had a real swell time, Oscar.

Felix...

Boogey, boogey, boogey!

I'm sorry, Oscar. I...

Don't be sorry. Forget it.

I feel so foolish.

I should have known there was a logical explanation.

That's it. Everybody makes mistakes.

You just make more than most people, that's all.

Oh, boy, I sure do.

Ghosts in the air conditioner.

Want some pizza?

No, no. I'll just...

clean up the wax on the table.

Here's to no more ghosts.

No more ghosts.

Mr. Unger and Mr. Madison to see Dr. Clove.

We have an appointment.

Will you tell Dr. Clove we're here?

He knows.

If I see an operating table I'm gettin' outta here.

This stuff is just all for effect.

Well, it's having its effect.

It's giving me the creeps.

Felix, I saw this movie.

See, our car's supposed to have broken down,

we came here to use the phone.

Good evening.

Dr. Clove, I'm... I'm Felix Unger.

This is Oscar Madison.

He knows.

Thank you, Mort.

Is this a potion?

Not unless Italian Swiss Colony makes a potion.

To the unknown.

Now...

what may I do for you gentlemen?

Doctor, um... I'm sure you'll understand.

We believe we have a ghost.

A ghost! That's a good one!

Mr. Unger...

There are no such things as ghosts.

Right.

Spirits, yes, but ghosts...

You have a spirit, Mr. Unger.

Ghosts, indeed! What do you think?

They run around wearing white sheets over their heads

with little black cutouts for eyes?

Don't worry. Sit down. You came to the right place.

I... can... help you contact your spirit.

Oh, no, no, we don't want to contact him. We want to get rid of him.

You got something against spirits?

No. It's just that our apartment is so small

it's hardly big enough for the two of us.

I know that.

I know... all things.

When can you help us?

I don't know. I'd better look at the calendar.

Let's see... Uh...

tomorrow I got Weight Watchers, uh...

Wednesday I slap a hex on the landlord.

That'll be bad all day...

Friday I got a blind date

with...

No... I think...

I can do it tonight,

but I will have to charge you for a house call.

Oh, Dr. Clove... exactly what kind of doctor are you?

I'm an orthodontist.

But I gave all that up years ago.

Ah, this is my real love... the occult.

You like all this spooky stuff?

It beats cleaning bubble gum out of braces.

Y-You think you can help us?

I have never failed.

If there is indeed an unfriendly spirit in your home,

I know what must be done.

An exorcism.

You're kiddin'!

Uh-uh.

I will expel the spirit tonight.

I'll arrive five minutes before 12:00.

If I ascertain the presence of a spirit,

we will proceed with the exorcism.

You will have prepared for my arrival...

Bay leaves, a clove garlic,

incense and half a chicken.

Half a chicken?

Yeah. Sometimes around midnight I get a little hungry.

And now, gentlemen,

here's an old favorite of mine.

And I hope it's one of yours.

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

You notice anything?

You going to make some ready quip?

Oh, yeah.

You look like the Count of Monte Hall.

That's very funny.

This is for the exorcism.

Dr. Clove didn't tell you to dress like that.

But I've been doing some research on my own.

This-This is authentic.

This is real garlic. Aw, come on.

That's the real thing.

Look, I didn't get this in some schlock shop.

Great!

Igor will answer the door.

Please, please... Good evening.

Where's the chicken?

Come on in.

That's authentic.

Oh!

Pardon me, Mr. Unger.

How a man dresses in the privacy of his home

is his... his own business.

I'm only laughing 'cause you look funny.

This is for the exorcism.

Uh... Mr. Unger, that costume is used

only for cases of demonic possession

and sometimes for trick or treat,

but it doesn't work here.

Now... Where is the spook?

Aye?

We strongly suspect the air conditioner.

Uh-huh.

Oscar found it here when he moved in.

I know. I know all things!

Yes...

There does seem to be something here.

Ohh!

Yes, I'm picking up particularly strong vibrations.

The spirit?

Possibly.

You think so?

Oh, come on! If the spirit came

with the air conditioner, why was it quiet all these years?

We never heard moans or groans or anything.

That's not very difficult to explain, is it, Dr. Clove?

Yes, it is.

But the important thing is to put that soul to rest.

Then you recommend an exorcism?

Oh, I don't see any other way.

And I can do it for you... for $500.

$500?!

The air conditioner doesn't cost that much!

W-Would you excuse us for a minute?

Just... What?

Are you crazy?

It's a lot of money, isn't it? You bet your life it is.

What choice have we got, though? We got thousands of ch...

I can think of three right off the bat. What?

First, get a new air conditioner.

Second, get rid of him and third, you can move out.

Uh... fellows, look... I was born with

six sharp senses, huh?

So I can perceive your dilemma.

You're cheap people.

Right?

No, we just...

we just don't have that kind of money.

I-I've done a little research in exorcism myself...

I... I think I... I could handle it.

We have an old saying in the spirit game:

"What you don't know can hurt you a whole lot."

I... I think we'll just take our chances.

Eh... very well.

But look, at least you two got six dollars between you.

We're not spending a nickel on anything but beer.

Hmm...

What-What miracle do you perform for six dollars?

Aha!

I hand you my book.

"How to Exorcise At Home."

Huh? Six bucks.

Thank you, Mr. Unger.

At least now with the book,

you have a chance to do something right.

Farewell, Mr. Unger.

So long, Sport!

Oscar! Look!

Look! Ah!

But the instant the doctor left, the spirit was angered.

Come on, let's exorcise it.

Come on. Come on. We'll use the book. Come on.

Felix, I'm not gonna sit around all night and talk

to an air conditioner. Oh, come on. Help me, please.

No, I'm not gonna do... All right for you!

I'll do it all by myself.

Now, it says here:

"Chant to it in a high, nasal voice."

Don't stop now, Felix.

A snake is comin' out of the cookie jar.

Try the garlic. Try the garlic.

Oh, please...

I'll drive you away with this sprig of garlic.

You're gonna drive me away.

You're smelling up the whole room.

Go home.

Go back where you came from.

Leave... at once!

This is your last chance.

Come on, Irv!

Aw, come on Oscar, help me, please.

How can I help you?

From the book. Fo... use the book.

Oh, all right, I'll try.

It's good. It's good.

You see?

Yeah...

Get out! Get out! Get out!

You did it! You did it!

The spirit's gone.

The spirit left the air conditioner.

No, the spring left the air conditioner.

No, no, no, no!

You just won't admit the occult truth, will you?

Now, you're as big a believer as I am, aren't you?

You believe that after you see the spring?

Well, of course.

The evidence of your own senses.

Didn't you see what happened?

Maybe you're right, maybe I got something... Why, of course.

Hey, Felix, look at this. What?

It says once the spirit is gone, to keep it away you gotta do this chant.

Oh... Yeah, let's do it, okay?

Well... I'll do it.

Do it together, all right? Yeah.

Oh wah.

Oh wah.

Ta goo. Ta goo.

Siam.

Siam.

Keep doing it.

Oh wah ta goo Siam.

Put it closer together.

Oh wah ta goo Siam.

Faster, faster!

Oh wah ta goo Si... Oh, come on. We did that at camp!

What are you smiling about?

Hmm... Just...

events of this evening had me thinking.

You ever wonder what it's like on the other side?

The last bye 'n' bye...

Last foxtrot!

You know what I think it'll be like?

It'll be very clean.

It'll be like a fine hotel

where the linen is changed every day.

And every night I'll go to the opera.

It'll be conducted by Toscanini,

and Caruso will be singing.

Why are you smiling?

I pictured heaven exactly that way.

Hmm.

Except without you.

The devil made me do it.