Original subtitles

Okay, guys, you got a half a minute to go!

Yes, indeedy. Here. Hey!

Hey, Oscar is leading, but Leon is catching up.

That is not fair. He's not eating the crust.

Leon!

Eat the crust!

Murray!

You got cheese on your nose.

Eat! Five, four, three, two, one... that's it!

Okay. No, no, no, no! Not fair!

What he's chewing now doesn't count.

Okay, okay, the official results...

Oscar wins, Leon to place, Murray shows.

That sore loser.

I want a return match with cottage cheese.

I'm supposed to be on a diet.

And now a bonus for the winner.

One pizza with everything on it.

I think I'd better frame it.

What is this?

The Wide World of Gluttony?

Fun's over, fellas.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hey, you really missed it.

You should have seen Oscar eating up all those pizzas!

I've seen it, I've heard it, I've cleaned it up!

You've got cheese on your nose.

Here.

What'd you do, bring me a puppy?

A dog wouldn't go out on a night like this.

Look, fellas, he's paper-trained.

Okay.

What's that?

It's your ex-dinner that I cooked for you

that you didn't come home to eat.

Please, don't do that in front of the guys.

I want the guys to know how this good food burned to death

'cause you didn't come home.

Boy, that Oscar sure has a uppity cook!

No, it's his roommate.

They're having a 602... Domestic squabble.

We'd better go.

I think you're right.

So long, Oscar. Oh, wait, wait.

I got plenty of beer.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't think the Galloping Gourmet would like it.

So long, Champ.

You embarrass me like that,

coming down here with a basket like Little Red Riding Hood.

Do you know what time it is?

It is 9:32.

So what?

You said you'd be home at 6:30.

So I couldn't make it.

What's the big deal?

Does it mean nothing to you

that I slave to give you a decent meal?

All right, I'll eat it.

You can't eat it. It's burned.

Then why'd you bring it down here?

To teach you a lesson.

I don't need a demonstration meal.

I'm not five years old. Look at this.

What is this? What, what, what, what, what?

All right, I'll tell you what it is.

You're upsetting my stomach, that's what it is.

I'm upsetting you? Yeah.

The nerve of the man.

He eats the Leaning Tower of Pizza and he blame...

Oh, why bother? The whole thing's a joke.

I just... I'm crazy to...

It doesn't matter what I eat or when I eat it.

It's when you aggravate me that it acts up.

Forgive me. It's all my fault.

It is your fault. I'm to blame.

I'm the scapegoat.

All right, from now on we'll do things your way.

You'll cook for yourself, you'll wash for yourself,

you'll clean up for yourself.

You won't have Felix Unger to push around anymore.

Bon appetit!

You work your heart out... do they appreciate it?

They appreciate nothing.

They appreciate nothing, and they know nothing.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Here's a few potato chips, finely ground,

some kidney beans and...

a few lima beans... some garbanzo beans,

A little green peppers... There we go.

Some ketchup...

It needs something yellow.

Now, that's a nourishing breakfast.

Hey, that looks dry.

Ooh, nice and warm.

I'll be through in a couple of minutes.

The kitchen'll be all yours.

That's it, buddy. It's all yours.

♪ ♪

Hi, old buddy. How you doing?

What new heights of masochism have you planned for tonight?

Chili dogs, burritos and enchiladas...

and for dessert... a chocolate Fudgcicle.

Set a match to you and you'd go off like the Hindenburg.

Don't you know you can't

eat food like that one after the other?

I know. That's why I'm gonna make a stew out of it. See?

Stew.

Yeah. Slobasborg.

Do me a favor. What? At least...

at least use a placemat.

I intend to. I intend to.

Aren't you afraid that the food sitting there like that,

all the vitamins will go out of it?

Oh, try it. You'll love it. Here.

Take it, take it off my plate.

Take it off my plate!

I don't want my food playing with your food.

It's not poison.

It won't kill you, you know.

Oh, Oscar, I-I can't stand this, I can't.

It's gone on for two weeks now. We have to talk.

Don't start again now.

I'm getting so nervous, I think I'm getting an ulcer.

It's all that bland food. Will you try

a burrito, please?

It's worrying about you.

Don't you know what's going on in your stomach

right this minute?

Your ulcer is saying, "It's so hot down here,

when's he gonna eat the Fudgcicle?"

Felix, if you didn't aggravate me,

I wouldn't have a talking ulcer.

I feel... just great.

I want to say, "Look out! Here comes the hot stuff!"

I can't watch this.

I can't watch this.

I'm gonna eat in my room.

Felix, it may surprise you to know

that I know how to take better care of me than you do.

When you have an attack

and you're lying there unconscious, don't yell for me.

I won't... 'cause you're the one who'll be sick.

You're the one who always takes all the pills.

You're the one who derives nourishment from nose drops.

I'm fit as a fiddle, boy.

Operator, get me the hospital, will you?

Of course it's an emergency! Listen to this!

It was gonna fall.

Oscar?

Oscar.

What are you doing, Felix?

Does that hurt?

No.

Here? No.

Yeah, it hurts!

That's what I thought.

Felix, I've been probed and tested all night... I'm bored.

And when I'm bored, I get tense.

When I get tense, my ulcer acts up.

Why don't you watch television?

I can't... That guy's foot is in my way.

I want to get out of here!

I'll see what I can do, but I think you belong here.

Why? Well, look at yourself.

Look at that pallor.

Will you look...

Here comes the cute nurse.

Pinch my cheeks, pinch my cheeks... I want to be cute.

Here's your lunch, Mr. Madison.

Oh, I see we're getting some nice color.

Yeah, I feel cute, too.

Listen, what are you doing between transfusions?

Oh, taking temperatures,

fooling around with the doctors,

you know, the usual.

Do they actually do that?

Hello, Oscar. How are you feeling? Hi, Doc.

Hello, Dr. Gordon. Oh, hello, Unger.

What's with the cups here?

What? It looks like a joke trick from a magic shop!

What is this, baby food, Doc? I can't believe it!

Eat your food!

Good bedside manner, Unger.

Doc, this chocolate pudding tastes funny.

It should... it's strained liver.

They feed people on Devil's Island better than this!

Well, if you don't want it, I'll eat it.

I haven't eaten at all. I'm starved.

I've been up since 4:00.

Doctor, may I, uh,

may I consult with you privately, please?

You can consult with me, but...

I'm not going to split my fee.

Doctor, Oscar has a marked tenderness

in the upper abdominal region here.

Really? You noticed that, too?

Yeah.

And I read his chart.

Making rounds now, Unger?

You are a natural-born doctor.

Be that as it may, I'd, uh...

I'd like your opinion.

Keep your voice down... I don't want to alarm Oscar.

What is your prognosis?

Well, about ulcers, most of my colleagues recommend surgery.

Surgery?

What?!

But, of course, in Oscar's case it wouldn't be necessary.

I recommend rest and a proper diet.

Mm-hmm. Do you think

he'd be better off at home under my supervision?

Unger, in the world of ulcers,

you're what's known as a carrier.

Of course, if we could find somebody else

to keep him away from the wrong foods, I'd send him home.

Yeah. I've got an idea.

Let me talk to him.

See you later, Oscar.

Okay, Doc.

If you're still here.

What do you mean, if I'm still here? I mean, where...

where am I gonna... be?

No, no, you're going to be fine, you're going to be fine.

Now, Oscar,

the doctor and I have had a consultation.

What did he say?

He said... Yeah?

He said I'm a natural-born doctor.

I don't care what he said about you. What'd he say about me?

I'm the one that's sick. What'd he say?

He said it's too much to expect

for me to have to do everything!

Again with you? I don't want to hear about you.

See, you're wearing checks, I'm wearing white...

Tell me what he said about me, the man in white!

The prescription is home, under certain conditions. What conditions?

That we hire somebody to do for you

all the things I've always done for you.

You're gonna hire a professional pest?

We're going to hire you a nanny.

Hello.

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Miller.

Hello, Mrs. Miller.

The agency sent me about the housekeeper's position

and to take care of the sick boy.

Come in, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, boychick, you don't look so good.

Let me feel your head.

Yeah, it's a little warm.

No, no, no.

Oy and is it a wonder? Look at you.

All skin and bones.

No, I'm... I'm not the one you'll be taking care of.

I'm not sick. It's my roommate.

Come in, come in.

Oh, is he skinny like you, too?

Sit down, Mrs. Miller.

I see that, uh, you're currently employed in a pet shop.

In what capacity?

What capacity?

I feed animals and clean up after them.

You'll be right at home with Mr. Madison.

Excuse me, Mrs. Miller.

Hello. Hi. The agency sent me over.

My name is Mitzu Hanogi.

Hello.

Come in, Miss Hanogi.

Uh, sit down.

Uh, this is... this is Mrs. Miller.

How do you do? How do you do?

Call me Fanny.

Felix, what's with

the doorbell ringing Saturday morning?

A sick man, I can't get any sleep. What is going on?

Hello, ladies.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet Mr. Madison.

This is Mrs. Miller.

Oh, this is the sick one?

Oh, you look terrible, boychick.

He's burning up.

You should go right back to bed, darling.

Oscar, this is Miss Hanogi.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Felix, can I talk to you for a minute alone in the kitchen? Yes.

Excuse me, ladies, will you?

Get the feel of the place, ladies,

talk to each other, sit down.

Tell me, sweetheart, how do you make those radios so small?

Who are those women?

I told you, I'm hiring a nanny for you.

Oh. Well, in that case I'll take the cute Oriental in Column A,

forget Column B.

We're equal opportunity employers.

We do not discriminate because of cute.

What's that? This is the Oscar Madison "Blech" Test.

What are you doing?

Now smear the icebox. Come on, come on, come on.

Up on top... my mother says they never clean on top.

That's very good.

Now wash your hands, throw the cigar on the floor.

When you're finished dry your hands on the curtain

the way you usually do.

Mrs. Miller would you come in, please?

Here I am, Johnny on the spot.

Now, Mrs. Miller, look around you.

This kitchen looks the way it usually does

after Mr. Madison's been in it for two minutes.

Now, Mrs. Miller, find the filth.

In other words... what is wrong with this picture?

Okay... okay.

We see what's wrong with the picture.

♪ We have ketchup on the icebox... ♪

♪ And on the handle of the icebox and on top. ♪

♪ And here we have ♪

♪ a cigar on the floor and we'll pick it up and throw it. ♪

Look at her go. Oh, is that good?

Very, very good, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, boys, I tell you, it would be a great pleasure

to work in a house where such a clean, good boy lives,

Mr. Unger.

And you, my darling...

you would be the sloppy son I never had.

Thank you, Mrs. Miller.

Now, sit down.

We'll be with you in a moment. Just take your time.

Okay. Thank you, thank you.

Is that a real pro?

Yeah, for cleaning, yes.

Equal opportunity.

Okay, mess up the kitchen again, exactly the same.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard

in my life, I'm telling you.

All right, Miss Hanogi.

Now, look around you.

Now, assuming you worked for us,

find the filth.

Ketchup on the icebox. ♪

♪ Cigar on the floor. ♪

♪ I know just what you did. ♪

I'm singing.

Mrs. Miller sang, I'm singing.

♪ It's not fair. ♪

All right, Miss Hanogi, that's fine.

Thank you very much.

Okay, you wasted a lot of filth.

I want Miss Hanogi and that's it.

This is not The Dating Game.

Then we gotta find somebody we both want.

There must be someone in this world

who's a perfect nanny for you.

It's open.

Mr. Oscar Madison?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm your new housekeeper.

Claire Frost, Bayonne, New Jersey.

The first thing you can do for me

is take your feet off the coffee table.

You're my nanny?

Mr. Unger met me at the employment agency this morning,

hired me on the spot.

He made a great impression on me.

Yeah, well he makes a great impression on everybody.

Oh, that robe.

When was the last time it was washed?

I don't know, I think it was the Ali-Frazier fight.

Well, take it off and I'll boil it.

Look, Mrs. Frost... Ms.

Ms. Frost.

Yeah, I don't think this arrangement is gonna work.

Mr. Unger hired me and he's the only one who can fire me.

So give me that robe.

Cigar?

No more.

Say good-bye to the cigar.

Bye-bye, cigar.

Now, I'll get your breakfast.

Oh, I'm on a bland diet, so I'll have corned beef hash

and a couple of fried eggs, okay?

That's funny?

You'll have milk toast and a large bowl of oatmeal.

Now, where can I freshen up?

Down the hall first door to your right. Thank you.

Hello.

Hi, Felix.

Yeah, she's here.

She's in your room.

No, she's in my room.

Don't slouch.

How come the white sheets?

We just had a Klan meeting.

Guess who shampooed the furniture?

The Unger instinct strikes again.

Right to the heart of fun.

I thought when you said you were gonna get me a nanny,

it'd be a nice, sweet little lady

with little red cheeks, she'd have an umbrella,

a little supercalifragilistic... something like that.

Instead I got the Beast of Bayonne.

"Don't slurp your soup.

Don't slouch. Sit up straight."

I like her.

She's Miss Right.

Ms. Right.

Where is she?

Disinfecting the bathroom.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

And does your bathroom need it.

Not my bathroom... she's disinfecting your bathroom.

How come?

She boiled my room.

It's still wet.

I can't use it until tomorrow.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Unger.

Have I got a sparkling and twinkling bathroom for you.

I heard, I heard.

Oh, boy, she's a treasure.

What treasure? Do you know what she's gonna do?

She's gonna shampoo the rugs.

She's pure gold.

Felix, don't you understand... If she shampoos the rugs,

you'll have to fly me around this apartment like Peter Pan.

I'm want to get rid of her.

No, sirree, not on your life.

You agreed to abide by my decision.

And you agreed you were going to try to help my ulcer.

It's been acting up ever since she's been here.

Felix, don't you feel the tension in this apartment

since Frosty, the Snow Woman got here?

The tension is in your imagination.

No, it's not... the tension is in my stomach.

We're lucky to have her, don't you know that?

I'm keeping out of your way.

I'm going out tonight with Miriam for dinner.

What are you going to do?

There's a great football game on.

I'd like to watch it.

Drop that!

What do you think you're doing, Mr. Unger?

I was just seasoning the soup.

It's a little bland.

We're treating an ulcer here.

You're right, you're right.

Right, it's perfect.

And I don't think it's the cleanest thing in the world

to put the spoon back in the pot after it's been in your mouth.

You're right. I always do that. I never think of it.

Well, that's my job... That's what you hired me for.

That's right, that's right.

Now, you go and you have a nice evening.

When you come home, be sure you step on the papers

because I'm gonna shampoo the rug.

Oh, about that...

I wonder if that could wait till tomorrow?

You see, Mr. Madison's a sportswriter

and he wants to watch the football game on TV tonight.

Mr. Unger,

who's the housekeeper here, you or me?

Well, you are of course,

but Mr. Madison's the patient

and I guess we'll just... we'll have to humor him.

I'm not Soupy Sales and this is not the Comedy Hour.

You do have a way of filling a room with tension, don't you?

Mr. Unger, I know your type... You want to be liked.

But in my job, you can't be soft.

You have to wield an iron mop.

Ms. Frost, I am no powder puff,

appearances to the contrary notwithstanding.

He's going to watch the ball game.

I'm putting my foot down.

Do you think you're any match for me?

No, but I'm... I'm... I'm putting my foot down.

When I left the army, I made a promise to myself.

I said, "Frosty,

there can only be one topkick in any outfit," and that's me.

I was a lieutenant in the army.

I was a colonel.

Talk about your temperamental clean-freak.

So long, Felix.

Where are you going?

Back to the hospital.

No, no, no. Stay in your own home... enjoy it.

I got rid of the jailer.

I know, and I appreciate it,

but the warden is still here.

You're right.

Go on, go on.

I guess you're right.

I only upset you. I'll take you down there.

No, you don't have to. I'll get a cab.

No, no, I'll get a cab for you.

No, the doorman will get the cab for me.

Let me do it, Oscar... The doorman will get the cab for me!

Don't worry about anything.

I'll be over there first thing in the morning.

This would be a perfect time to shampoo the rugs.

I hope you learned a lesson from this.

I did.

You are what you eat, you know.

I know that.

What are you having for dinner?

Rump roast.