Original subtitles

Next week on our show Family USA...

Mother Betty attends a PTA meeting

and son Harvey stars in a school Hygiene Pageant

as an abscessed tooth.

Shut it off, Murray.

Shut it off. Wait, I want to hear about the husband and the daughter.

Husband Bob, teenage daughter Allison and boyfriend Brian

go to Cleveland on a shopping spree.

Gee, those people have a great life.

Who cares what kind of life they have?

It's such an awful show.

I liked it, Felix.

You're a wonderful man, Murray.

You like it 'cause you're not a pro.

Pros can see right through that kind of guff.

I liked it, Felix.

It was dull, Murray, dull.

Well, it was a documentary about an average family.

Just everyday people like you and me.

Everyday people aren't necessarily dull.

I'm certainly not dull.

You... you're not a pro, Murray.

You're just...

The first rule of filmmaking is no matter what your subject is,

you don't treat it in a dull, uninteresting manner.

That director, he-he had no imagination.

He never probed into the insides of that-that family.

The... They had no drama. The...

The father finds out his daughter's a prostitute.

Big deal.

But they never got into why. Why does he find out?

I'm sick and tired of your bellyaching, Felix.

Did you say what I thought you said?

Yes, I did.

I'm fed up with your crabbing.

That's not what you said, Murray.

Aw, bellyaching, crabbing...

It's all the same thing and I'm fed up with it.

That's not like you.

I'm not like me.

The police department's been having group therapy sessions

and we're supposed to say exactly what we feel.

You'll find I'm a lot more candid now,

and I'm gonna be candid with you, Felix.

If you think you know so much,

then why don't you make your own picture?

Instead of criticizing everybody else,

just put your money where your mouth is, Buster.

Where you going?

Now, I'm gonna go home and straighten out my wife.

He's right.

The fuzz is right.

I should make my own film.

Felix Unger directs.

What? What kind of film?

A documentary.

About whom?

It should be about an interesting person.

Someone dramatic.

Me.

Act and direct in my first film?

No, I'll do that in my second film.

What? Any subject you know how you can make it interesting.

The first thing you see out the window.

There's the janitor.

I'll zoom in and... no, he's boring.

He's a boring janitor.

I'm gonna talk to the landlord about finding

a more exciting janitor... Someone with charisma,

someone... someone who's got...

Ah!

Zoom in.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Would you mind zooming out, please?

Don't you want to know why I zoomed in?

No. Why not?

Because I don't care.

Aw, you're just being cranky. Sure you...

What do you got in the bag?

Got my dinner. I didn't have time to eat.

I'll make you something. No.

You're not gonna eat in your room.

I won't make a mess.

You'll attract bugs.

They gotta eat, too.

When Sherman marched through Georgia

he left it neater than this.

Felix, why are you following me around?

I've had a brainstorm. What?

I want to make a film.

Go ahead.

Listen, you're a cleanie... Maybe you're a Fellini.

I want to make a film about you.

Are you ki... I'm a working man. I can't be bothered with that.

I won't bother you. You'll never know I'm here.

Cinema vérité. See?

I'm panning down,

I'm panning down your leg.

I zoom in on your sock.

You got holes in your socks.

It's summertime.

Now you're going to toss your pants

across the lamp, aren't you?

No, I'm gonna hang 'em up. See?

Zoom in on that.

That's the zoom-in... Then I zoom across...

I zoom down across the bed, across the floor.

I gotta shoot this in black and white.

Nobody would ever believe it in color.

How come all of a sudden you're gonna do a film?

Because every time I see a movie or watch TV,

I hear myself say, "I could do it better,"

and tonight I just got fed up with my bellyaching

and I said to myself, "Felix, be candid with yourself.

Put your money where your mouth is."

Boy, I haven't seen you this excited

since they invented liquid wax.

It's that important to you? Yeah, it really is. It really is.

And you won't bother me?

I promise, you'll never... Cinema vérité.

You're just yourself. I'm a camera. I'm invisible.

Okay, shoot your picture, but I don't want to notice you, Felix.

You'll never know I'm there. Okay. Good night.

Good night. Put out the light.

Good night, star. Good night!

Good night. Sleep tight.

Yeah. Don't let the bugs bite.

Oscar's bedroom... take one.

You're eating a sandwich.

I'm noticing you, Felix.

Now, I'm panning down across the bed, across the floor.

My title shot... I got my title!

Mondo Filth.

Hi, Felix.

Ah, the star awakens.

Go back, go back, go back.

What? Go back.

Oh... Gotta film your entrance.

Here we go. Wait a second.

Uh, here we're coming... All right, action.

That's it. I'm hungry.

Great. Great. Great.

There we go. Take you down here. Great.

Okay, okay, now, go back. I'll get it from this angle.

Why? I just... I got your morning trance as you come in.

Now, I want to get your characteristic slump as you go into...

Don't say that. I don't slump. That's not nice...

Here we are. Okay... action.

Now, you're coming into frame.

You're coming in... that's great.

That is so good.

Where's the slump?

That's it.

That's marvelous. That's marvelous.

Now wait a second...

Let me get a close-up of your food.

Oh, look what he's doing. Look what he's doing.

That's sensational.

Go to it, Tiger. Attaboy.

Oh, you got a stain.

Let me get the stain, let me get the stain.

That's no good. That's not good for a stain.

Why not? It's just in a bad spot for a stain.

I'll put one in a good spot. How's that? Is that okay?

Isn't that great? Isn't that sensational?

Oh, please, leave me alone, will you?

What a sense of humor. What a guy.

There's a newspaper right in front of your face, though.

Yeah. You see, I put something in front of me,

I look at the words. It's called reading.

No, no... That's how I make my living.

I can't see your face with it up there.

But it's more important. Gotta make a living.

All right, cut, cut! Picture's over.

Wait a second. Don't leave.

You haven't had your dessert yet.

Dessert with breakfast?

Prunes. Prunes?

You eat prunes first.

I'm shooting out of sequence.

Anyway, I hate prunes.

That's what I want to get.

I want to get every facet of your personality.

Every single bit of you. Yeah. I want to get the hate.

You want to get the hate? Okay, you rolling? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm rolling. Follow my arm.

Yeah. Here comes hate in facets.

Here's hate. Facets. Ah, great, great. Sensational.

Just be your messy self.

Marvelous, just marvelous!

Oh, that's so wonderful...

Wait, wait, I'm coming with you. Wait!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Can you guess where my camera is?

Here. Yeah.

No, don't touch the lens. You never touch the lens.

That's my microphone.

Hello.

No, shh.

Don't shout, it's too delicate.

I don't know...

I don't think Mr. Madison's gonna like this.

Well, he doesn't have to know about it.

You're not gonna tell him, are you?

Okay, mum's the word.

Yeah, now, the main thing

is just to engage him in conversation.

Talk.

Loud, get him to talk loud. Loud.

And try to get him to face up towards the camera.

Okay. Okay.

I think he's coming.

Hide.

Hi, Myrna.

Good morning, Mr. Madison!

You look pretty as a picture!

Can I have a sip of your coffee?

Felix left early this morning and didn't make any.

I'll go plug in the pot!

Before you do that get me the New York Jets file, will you?

What?

Get me the New York Jets file!

What?

I said get me the New York Jets file!

Don't you want to talk?

No, I just want the file.

Oh, here's the file.

Myrna, why are you yelling?

What?

I said what's with all the yelling here?

That's better. How are you?

Ow!

Ooh!

He caught you.

Oh, I couldn't fool you, could I?

But it was worth it. I got some great stuff.

Felix, I don't want that around my neck anymore.

I don't want it in front of my face anymore.

That's okay. I'm not here. Felix, will you stop?

A week ago you promised you weren't gonna bother me.

Now you're in my hair at home, you're in my hair at work.

Give me the file, will you?

I gotta stop. I can't do it anymore.

I'm not getting any work done. Give me the f... Look!

She's looking at the camera. Felix, here, look.

Look, hey! Bye-bye. The end. Oh, no, no, no.

You're not gonna walk off the picture, are you? Yes, I am.

No, you wouldn't. Oh, it's coming along so beautifully.

I've seen the stuff. It's great.

Felix, are you willing to show your film to a professional...

Let him decide whether it's good or not?

Well... do I have to?

Yes. Then I will.

Okay, I'll bring him home for dinner tonight.

Who is he?

Phil Russell.

He makes spaghetti westerns.

Okay, I'll make some spaghetti. Okay.

Have to remember to buy spaghetti.

A lovely spaghetti dinner, Felix.

Thank you, Phil.

Now, here's a shot of Oscar

eating breakfast. Isn't that marvelous?

You ever see a man eat like that?

There's the original stain.

There's the new one.

Sensational, huh?

Here's a shot of Oscar's bedroom.

I call this scene "Believe it or not"

I didn't have to have a set decorator either.

His room looks like that all the time.

Here's Oscar asleep

under a blanket of old clothes and magazines.

Look at that. He's sleeping the wrong way!

Here's Oscar shaving.

Did you ever see a man shave like that

with a cigar in his mouth?

Here he is brushing his teeth at the kitchen sink,

washing his mouth out with beer.

The water running, Phil.

Can't you just feel the wetness, the tactile values?

Look at Oscar washing his hands on film.

Look... wait... That's what I call acting.

What acting? I've been washing my hands like that all my life.

And that's all she wrote.

Great footage, huh?

Not so loud, Felix.

I think your great footage put him to sleep.

No, I'm not asleep. I was just thinking.

You were thinking how you can get out of here

without telling him how rotten it was, right, Phil?

On the contrary, it was terrific.

What? Really? Really?

As a matter of fact, you gave me an idea here.

Felix, I'm doing a film that is dying.

It's about a girl, Christina, a Swedish stewardess.

But it needs, it needs something to balance it.

I need a story about a lonely man.

Oscar!

He comes across as a lonely man.

Yeah, yeah!

Here's the thing.

If I could put my film

about the Swedish stewardess together with your film

about the lonely man, it'll be perfect!

My film is 16-millimeter.

Ah, mine's super eight, but I'll blow it up.

Felix, Felix, I want you to direct the rest of this picture.

Oh!

We'll have a big confrontation scene

where the lonely man meets Christina.

As a matter of fact,

we can shoot that scene right here in this apartment.

What about a script?

Improvise, just like you've always done.

I'll supply the lights and the crew.

My own crew!

And all you have to supply is the apartment

and the lonely man. You've got him!

You've got him! How about it, Oscar?

Me?

Sure! You're the co-star!

Phil, you're as crazy as he is!

I'll give you 500 bucks!

500 bucks?!

Oscar. Hi, Felix.

I've been waiting for you.

What do you think I have in my hand?

A book.

But what book?

An Actor Prepares by Stanislavski.

Who's he?

The founder of the Method school of acting.

This is the bible.

I think you should have a lesson in acting.

Acting? What happened to "be yourself"?

That's when you were being yourself,

but now you must become a character... Luke Marlow.

Luke Marlow?

Luke Marlow, lonely, sportswriter, slob.

I think we should begin at the beginning

with a very simple exercise.

Yes. All right, I think you should become an object.

What do you mean, become an object?

Before you can become a man, you must be something simpler.

Acting is becoming. You become an object.

What was I before I was Oscar Madison, a pretzel?

Here's a pretzel. That's too easy, see?

I think you should be a tree.

What kind of tree?

Any kind of tree you want to be.

I'm an elm tree.

That's very good.

That's... Why'd you stop?

I saw a dog coming.

Oh, come on!

Come on, this is the silliest...

It's not silly.

It's not silly.

You see, you chose to be that kind of tree.

Acting is a matter of choices.

The greatest actors make the most interesting choices.

You could've chosen to be a bush.

That's a bush?

A thorn bush.

You see, you feel the thorns, feel the danger? Yeah.

Yes, yes, you don't have to be a bush.

You could have chosen to be a hedge.

That's a hedge?

A perfectly-trimmed hedge.

That's the kind of hedge I would be if I were a hedge.

You would be a... A sloppy hedge.

Yes, exactly.

Now... emotion,

the most important part of acting.

Now I'm going to throw an emotion at you, you respond.

Hate!

Okay, you say "hate," I'm supposed to act. That's impossible!

Oh, no, you use emotional recall.

You recall a time when you hated. Oh.

And then it comes flooding out.

That's what the great actors do.

All right, now hate!

Boy, that, that came from the heart.

I felt that. That was great.

What were you recalling?

The day you moved in.

Whatever.

I'm gonna give you another one.

Sadness.

Oh, Oscar, I'm, I'm sorry.

I-I went too far.

That... oh, that's not nice of me.

I'm sorry. That... What were you recalling?

The same day.

You're having fun with me. Yeah, yeah.

See, that's why your acting was superficial.

You see, you can't do that.

Wait. What are you doing?

I'm gonna answer the door.

You're not going to use any of the things we practiced?

Here's an elm tree answering the door.

No, no. What do you want me to do?

You create a situation out of reality.

You heard the doorbell ring? Yeah.

Who's there? I don't know until I see.

Your worst enemy. Who?

The worst enemy you have in the world. Oh, oh, I see.

The man who put the bullet in your leg.

The other leg. The upstage leg.

A man who stole your wife away

and broke both your arms.

He's on the other side of the door.

You can hear him breathing.

He can hear you.

You reach for the doorknob,

he reaches for his Luger...

You answer the door.

I'll show you how to do it.

When I find the man who took my wife,

who caused me all this pain, I'll kill him!

You understand?

We're just gonna light this general area right in here.

Later, we'll come in for our specific lighting.

Right now, we're gonna have...

Okay.

Hey, Phil, baby! Felix, how are you?

Meet Ed, my partner... Hello, Ed.

Distributor for Black Sox Productions.

Well, this is the big day.

Yeah. Is this the set?

Yeah. You like it?

Yeah, perfect for a living room.

It is a living room, Ed.

Where, where's Oscar?

He's in wardrobe. I'll get him.

Patience, everybody. We'll be right with you.

Oscar!

Well, Phil, I hope this scheme of yours works.

Where's the bed?

Forget the bed.

There's only three ways we can go with this film:

If we show the Christina film now, the way it is,

we'll get a double "X" rating and go to jail.

What?

If we cut in that Navy stuff,

well, then we can only show it in the Philippines.

Well, you know how much money there is there.

I got enough bamboo.

Right... so we go with Luke the lonely sportswriter

and hope for an "R" with an explanation.

You really think having Madison will give it,

uh... remedialingly sociable valuables?

Let's hope so.

Well, where's the bed?

Please, you handle the business,

let me handle the creative!

All right, all right.

Here's our star!

Hey!

Oscar, baby, you look wonderful.

Meet my partner, Ed.

How are you?

Pleased to meet you. I love your column.

Well, you know my motto is

"Never interfere with the artist."

So if you're all set, we'll leave.

Come on, Ed. We're set.

The camera's loaded, we're ready to roll.

Hey...

You bring this in for less than $10,000, and I'll kiss you.

Not only that, we're gonna make a picture

you can take your children to see.

Are you kidding? Where's the bed?

Now, everybody, we're gonna have a rehearsal,

so spread out for a nice party.

Let's have you in twosomes

so I can get you. This is going to be

a rehearsal more for me than for you, I assure you.

And we're gonna have a nice party.

I'm going to begin here on the flowers.

I'm gonna go from couple to couple,

so let's try it just for me now.

Here we are... and action.

That's very nice. That's right.

Keep your hair back from your face, dear. That's nice.

That's okay. You're dancing. We'll dub in music later.

That's sweet. That's very good.

Very, very good, and we come down here.

Where are they?

There they are.

No, no, that's not right.

No!

Oscar, no!

Cut!

You two have just met.

Oh, but I really dig him, not just professionally.

But I mean I-I really dig you.

You don't understand, dear, you're not motivated.

Yes, she... We're motivated, Felix.

Man, woman, recall... all those things.

Now listen, sit up straight. Sit up straight.

Like a nice girl. Sit... Now, you've just met.

You sit on the couch and you talk.

Talk? You mean there's sound?

Of course, look at the microphone.

Oh!

Oh, I've never been on sound before.

Marty, Marty, come here.

What'll I say? I could sing.

Listen, I'm a little nervous, too.

See, I never acted before.

Oh, acting's easy.

It is?

Yeah. I'm just a substitute schoolteacher.

I've done lots of movies.

Did you see Last Tango In Tijuana?

You mean Last Tango in Paris.

There's one in Paris, too?

Oh, far out!

I've got to make it to Sweden. Yeah, listen...

Do you know how creative they are? How sensitive? Excuse me a minute...

Felix? Felix, talk to you for a minute. Get back in your place, actor!

It's very important. Actor, get back in your place.

Hey, you playing Luke? Yeah.

Hi. I'm playing Harry,

the friendly next-door neighbor.

Don't I know you?

Did you see Last Tango?

In Tijuana?

No, Tampa.

Didn't you work on a newspaper?

No, I work in a hospital.

I'm a male nurse.

Felix.

Huh? Come here.

There's something fishy about these actors here.

You got butterflies in your stomach?

No. Will you listen to me? She's not an actor.

She's a substitute schoolteacher, he's a male nurse.

You see what I mean?

Relax, Luke.

Will you forget the Luke?! This is Oscar!

There's something strange about these actors.

You're nervous, aren't you? That's good.

Use it! Use it! Keep in the part.

Here we go, everybody.

All right, thank you, everybody.

That was an excellent rehearsal.

Now we're going for a take.

This time give it everything you've got.

Use emotional recall.

The same thing. We're gonna start on the flowers.

And... action.

It's a pan...

What's he...?

Yeah, get with it.

It's a raid! It's a raid! Everybody out!

It's a raid!

What's going on?!

Oscar, what's going on?!

I said, "Cut!"

Why?!

Felix, you were trying to make a nice picture

about a human being.

Phil had another picture in mind

about a different kind of a human being.

Those two could never have gotten together.

What are you talking about?

Don't you know the kind of film he wanted to make? No!

It was a porno film! A double X-rated film!

The smut you see on 42nd Street.

Wow!

Oh, my!

You know, I saw things through my lens

that looked peculiar to me, but I...

I guess I was blinded by ambition.

All, all I saw was my name on a film.

Thank you, Oscar, for saving me.

You're, you're a true friend.

One thing. What?

Only the director says "cut."

Oscar?

Yeah?

You asleep? No.

Can I come in?

Sure.

I couldn't sleep.

Mind talking for a while?

No, go ahead.

It was so ironic.

Felix Unger to make a smut movie.

I've been a photographer, what, all my life,

since I was 14.

You know, I remember when I was a kid.

There was a woman.

I thought she was an older woman, lived down the street.

Frances Kugle.

We all us boys used to think about her, you know.

She was a gay divorcee.

She used to undress without pulling the blind down.

So...

one night I took my camera and I... I snuck out

and I made pictures of her undressing.

I was such a straight kid.

I was such a prude that, to this day,

I've never developed those pictures.

Good night.

Good night.

What are you gonna do tomorrow?

Have that film developed.