Original subtitles

Is this Olaf's Diner?

Is Oscar Madison having lunch there?

Well, if he comes in, would you tell him that his secretary

is waiting at his apartment for his column?

Thank you.

Myrna Turner.

Yeah, you sound cute, too, Olaf.

Bye.

Did you locate your prodigal boss?

Not yet.

I tried every place he eats at:

The April Fool Taco, Edible Eddie's.

Did you try his new gourmet spot...

Hesh and Heidi's Nautical Nosh?

Not there either.

I found some marvelous old photographs

I want to show you. Of what?

You as a baby on a bearskin rug?

I never posed on a bearskin rug.

I was always allergic to animals.

Even stuffed ones.

What did you curl up in your crib with?

A sponge.

There's me as a baby.

Oh, you sure had chubby cheeks.

Who's the man with you?

That's my Uncle Eric.

He had six fingers on his right hand.

I used to love to watch him wave bye-bye.

Oh, this is a nice one. Yeah.

That's Oscar and Blanche's wedding picture.

I don't understand.

I see you in an army uniform

and Mrs. Madison in a wedding dress,

but I don't see Mr. Madison.

Oh, Oscar wasn't there.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You mean, Mr. Madison wasn't at his own wedding?

Well, he was there for a little while.

Didn't he ever tell you about it?

No. Tell me.

I love to hear the inside stuff on Mr. Madison.

'Cause all I ever see on the outside are ketchup stains.

Well, it all started when we were in the army reserve.

We were just getting ready to go away

for our annual two weeks of summer camp.

In those days, Oscar was a bachelor

and Blanche was trying to talk him out of it.

So she came over to the apartment.

Don't forget to check my mail, Blanche.

I'll forward anything that looks important.

What did you say the name of your bookie was again?

I'm going to miss your jokes, Blanche.

Don't forget, don't touch anything in the apartment.

Everything is in it's proper place.

And you'll come every night you'll feed the fish.

Are you sure there's something still alive in there?

That tank is filthy.

Food disappears every day.

There must be something under there.

I'm going to clean it while you're gone.

Why? The fish love it.

Instead of knocking themselves out swimming,

they just hang there.

If it gets any thicker, they're going to have to learn to walk.

I'm gonna miss you, Oscar.

I'm gonna miss you, too, honey.

Do you know how long we've been dating?

Three Kentucky Derbys.

That's three years.

When a couple dates three years,

do you know what it means? They can't get other dates.

Aw...!

I know what it means. We're going steady.

Honey, if I don't finish packing,

I'm gonna be in trouble.

Felix is going to be here any minute.

He's gonna drive me to camp.

Hope I have enough...

Oscar... Yes.

Do you love me?

Of course, I love you.

If I didn't love you, I woulda dumped you years ago.

You're so romantic.

Your silver tongue just brought a tear to my eye.

I know what you mean, honey.

Two people love each other, they go together three years,

it usually follows they get married, right?

Right. I'd better meet Felix downstairs.

Halt!

Honey, I promise,

the two weeks I'm away, I'll think about it.

You've said that lots of times.

I can't promise you I'm always going to be here.

Come on, honey, you'll always be here.

I'm always here.

Probably Felix.

Hi, Felix.

Wow, Felix...

Lieutenant Unger, Private Madison.

Time to ship out.

Boy, you look great.

Little blood and guts.

Hi, Felix.

Blanche...!

I didn't know you were here.

Am I interrupting anything?

No, just a proposal.

Oscar, you old... oh,

it couldn't happen to two nicer people.

No, no, I proposed to Oscar and he turned me down.

Better mind my own beeswax.

That's a good idea.

Off we go, it's 0900 hours.

That's army talk, Blanche. Oh.

Let's go, Madison.

Hold your horses.

Hold your horses?

Look at these, buster.

You're talking to an officer, soldier.

Sorry, sir. I beg your pardon, sir.

Oscar, when we get to camp,

I've got to treat you just like everybody else,

do you understand? I understand that.

Now, a friend of mine's driving us there,

Corporal Murray Greshler.

He's a cop, he's a very nice guy.

When you meet him,

don't say anything about his nose.

Okay.

Let's go. Bye.

Oh, honey.

Something about a soldier saying good-bye to his girl.

Come on, soldier, roll the dice.

Seven come eleven.

Hey, Madison, old buddy,

will you change my sawbuck?

Sure will.

Boy, it's like Monte Carlo in that latrine.

Yeah, it's a fun latrine.

Hey, thanks for bringing all the equipment, babe.

You sure you don't want to play?

Naw, I gotta write this letter to my girl.

Hey, the rumor is that you know Blanche Summers

from Kew Gardens. Is that true?

Yeah, you know her?

Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.

She was engaged to my buddy Cecil Panche.

This guy Cecil Panche, was he really gonna marry her?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, hey! Hey!

MP! MP!

No, no, it's just Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

Hey, what should we do tonight?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

Oh. Listen, the medics are showing

those hygiene films again.

You wanna go? What for?

I know how to brush my teeth.

Not back and forth, up and down.

No, it's the sex hygiene one.

You know, "Men, don't let this happen to you."

Nothing's gonna happen to me,

'cause I'm gonna stay in tonight.

Aw, come on, let's do something.

Hey, let's go into town and dance up a storm.

The Eagles Club is having a big Charleston contest.

You know... ♪ Da, da, da, da... ♪

Murray... I'll take every prize they got, Oscar.

Look, Murray, I'd rather be alone, okay?

Oh. Anything wrong?

No, it's just that somebody's dancing in front of me

while I'm trying to think and write a letter.

Okay, okay. Don't be so touchy.

I mean, camaraderie is part of being in the army, Oscar.

If you don't want to comarade with me, that's okay.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, I'll just take a rain check.

Lieutenant's coming!

Ten hut!

At ease, men.

This is for your orientation.

Men, we're a special services unit.

We're not artillery, infantry or tankers.

We're entertainers.

Our weapons

are mirth, merriment and music.

While you're here at Fort Ira Epstein,

you will be required to think, dress and behave like soldiers.

If any one of you wants to test my mettle,

you'll find that I'm a rock.

On the other hand, if you have a problem,

I hope you'll think of me as a buddy.

'Cause I also have a heart.

I'm known as the rock with a heart.

Any questions?

Do we get weekend passes, sir?

Affirmative.

If you pass inspection tomorrow.

And I expect every man in my outfit to pass inspection.

Fortunately, we have in our midst

the perfect example of what not to do.

Step forward, soldier.

Me, sir?

Unless your feet are stuck in the debris.

Look at this soldier.

In any other army in the world, he'd be shot on sight.

Did you bring your bunk from home?

Uniform of the day is fatigues, Madison, not exhaustion.

Is that cap regulation?

For the New York Yankees it is, sir.

Don't encourage him, men. Don't encourage him.

But if you really want to laugh,

let's look at his foot locker.

Open your locker, Madison.

It's not a foot locker, it's a delicatessen.

Our objective, men,

is to pull this man through inspection tomorrow.

Because a good soldier is a clean soldier,

and a clean soldier is a good soldier,

and a good, clean soldier is good.

Dismissed.

How was I?

What's the matter with Madison?

He didn't take this personally, did he?

I was just using him as an example.

Oh, I don't think so.

He's been kind of glum.

I think his trouble's back H-O-M-E.

Home. Ah.

Well, I'll have to look into it.

How's your morale, Greshler?

Comme si, comme ca, sir.

Fellas making fun of your nose?

Saying "why do we need artillery,

we've got Greshler's nose."

"The army can't find a gas mask to fit him."

"When he looks up, it looks like a two-car garage."

I've never heard that one before, sir.

I've heard it.

They're saying that, Greshler.

What do you have on your arm?

Military police.

And you wear it with pride.

Wear your nose with pride.

You were issued it.

Push back your cap and let the world see your nose.

Dismissed.

Thank you, sir.

Hiya, doughboy.

Got any problems?

Oh, forget the bars. Come on.

This is... let's you and me talk.

That's an order.

It's Blanche.

The girls we leave behind.

Felix, I called her when we got here.

She was having a party.

There were a lot of guys there.

See, she's a terrific girl. I don't want to lose her.

What does your heart say?

My heart says marry her, but I can't get my mouth to say it.

Well, I, myself, am shy, but I think I can help you.

No, Felix. Thanks.

But this time, I gotta do it myself.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to call her. Aw...

Yeah, I'm going to tell her to come here tomorrow

and I'm going to marry her.

That's what I'm going to do.

I didn't say "dismissed"!

You're not dismissed

till I say you're dismissed.

I'm going to let it go this time, but...

Here you go, Operator.

Give me a clear connection, will you?

The main thing is, be calm. Be calm.

This is the most important decision

you'll ever make in your life.

If you make a mistake now,

you're going to pay for it as long as you live.

Felix, do me a favor, will you?

Don't calm me down.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

Huh? Oscar. I can hardly hear you.

What are you doing? Having another party?

Who's there? Cecil Panche is there?

Keep calm. Another party with Cecil Panche.

State your case now. Be calm. Be romantic.

I wanna... What I wanna... I wanna... You... Blanche, I...

Blanche, I want...

I want... I want...

I want to have time to think.

Here. You talk to her while I find the right words.

Go ahead. Hi, Blanche.

Lieutenant Unger here.

Yes. Oh, everything's wonderful, Blanche.

Yeah. Just fine.

Why should I lie to you, Blanche?

It's a snake pit.

The men hate me, Blanche. I'm a rotten officer.

I don't have any leadership qualities. I never did.

Even as a kid, I wasn't a leader.

They made me crosswalk monitor.

I was supposed to show the parents

where to park their cars.

The parents used to stick out their hands for a left turn,

and hit me behind the ear.

I found the right words. Give me the phone.

Same thing in high school.

I was president of the German Club.

Nobody would listen to me.

If you can't get Germans to follow orders, who will?

Give me the phone, will ya?

I don't want to lose the right words.

Of course the men salute me, but do they love me?

Give me the phone! Hello, Blanche. This is...

Operator, what do you mean, my time is up?

I just started talking! I don't have any more.

Give me some change. I gave you all my change.

How do you know? Check! I don't have to check.

I know every item on my person.

I have my comb, I have my wallet, I have...

Listen, Blanche. Blanche?

Operator, please, it'll only take a second!

No. Don't cut me off.

No. Don't... She's going to disconnect me.

Tell Blanche to call you back.

Yeah! Blanche, call me back.

I didn't give her the number.

Banzai!

What are you doing?

Don't! You're destroying government property!

Save that for the enemy.

Uncle Sam caught you!

Hello? Blanche!

How did you know where to call me?

The operator gave her the number!

Of course.

Honey, I love you, and I want to marry you.

Yeah. Tomorrow morning, I want you

to get the first bus to Abnerville, Connecticut.

Yeah. I love you, too.

Bye-bye, honey.

We better get out of here before we get caught.

War is hell.

Where's the justice of the peace?

He said he'd be here early.

He'll be here.

Blanche? Blanche, you almost ready?

Yes. I'm just fixing my veil.

You look... you look beaut...

Felix, will you calm down?

The groom is supposed to be nervous,

not the best man.

You've got to get back to camp and pass inspection.

I'm not worried about that stupid inspection.

You'll pass me. It's not up to me.

Colonel Wyatt's inspecting today, and he's in a foul mood.

One of the cooks went berserk

and tried to strangle him with a string of sausages.

Have you got the ring?

Yes, I've got it. Will you relax?

Why not? I'm not the one who's getting married.

Well, am I too late?

Fire! Fire! Felix.

Hold it. Hold it. There's no fire here.

I'm the justice of the peace.

I'm also a volunteer fireman.

I also raise chinchillas, if you'd like to buy

the little woman a coat for her anniversary.

All right, I'm the groom. Can we get started, please?

Just as soon as I take off my big yellow hat.

Blanche? Blanche, we're ready now. Blanche...

She's not here. What do you mean, she's not here?

Oh, honey, you look beautiful.

Sure. For a woman who just climbed out a window.

Who yelled, "Fire!"?

It was a mistake. We're ready now.

Shall we take our places?

The bride will enter through that door.

Crystal, dear, are you ready?

So beautiful, Blanche, I'm so sorry.

What is that? It's my treat.

I paid five dollars extra for music.

A couple extra bucks,

you could have gotten Pluto, too.

Shall we take our places?

Now, the bride will enter with the music.

Go ahead, Crystal.

Go... go back

and start again. She can do it right.

It was just fine.

Crystal likes to do it right.

It helps her confidence.

Oh, huh.

Play it again, Crystal.

Go... go back again.

Maybe you'd like to play another piece, sweetheart.

Maybe Crystal would like to hum it.

This man has got to be back at the base in 20 minutes.

Very well. Crystal, play what you know best, dear.

Do you, Oscar Trevor Madison, take Blanche Summers

as your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Blanche, take Oscar

as your lawful wedded husband? I do.

Then, by the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride on the mouth.

Hi, Mrs. Madison.

Hiya, husband.

You gotta get back to camp.

Yeah. I hate to kiss and run.

Listen, Felix will take you to the hotel.

I'll meet you there later. Okay, honey?

Yeah. And please pass that inspection.

I don't want to spend my wedding night alone.

Don't forget to check your hospital corners!

Bye-bye.

Picture time.

It's all part of the price.

Where's the groom?

He had to go.

Have your picture taken, Blanche. It's paid for.

Oh, no. A picture of a bride alone is sad.

I know. Why don't you have a picture taken with me?

It'll confuse people someday.

You've got my sense of humor, Blanche.

I'm not the groom, Crystal.

Don't throw rice, Crystal.

You're annoying us, Crystal.

How would you like a whack on your Mousketeer hat, kid?

You'll be a good mother someday, Blanche.

Lieutenant...

I'm sorry, sir, that I'm not

wearing the uniform of the day.

You are.

Well, you're wearing a scarf, sir.

Well, I have to.

I have sausage burns.

I'm sorry, sir.

Lieutenant, come over here for a minute.

Yes, sir.

Did you notice, in one of the soldier's lockers,

there are three dresses?

That's Kojeck, sir.

He's a professional female impersonator.

But I made sure every one of those pleats is razor sharp, sir.

Will you put the men at ease, Lieutenant?

At ease!

Men, I am very pleased with these quarters.

You all pass inspection.

Even you, Madison.

As I recall, last year

we had to send your stuff to the demolition squad.

I'm a new man, sir.

Good. Well, you'll all get your passes.

Dismissed.

Not so fast.

Your pass for the weekend is rescinded.

But you said, sir, I passed inspection. Yes, you did.

But you're being punished for destroying government property.

What government property?

You destroyed a telephone

in the recreation room yesterday.

Oh, it must have been somebody else, sir. Not me.

Look, tonight is my wedding night, sir.

It was you.

Lieutenant Unger here filed a full report on it.

That will be all.

You will spend this weekend right here in these barracks.

What have I done?

Oscar, if I had known

they were going to cancel your pass

and ruin your honeymoon,

I'd never have reported you today.

I'd have waited till Monday.

Hi.

A penny for your thoughts.

A dollar for your death.

Oscar, a fighting force is not run on sentiment.

What I see, I must report.

I'm an officer. I've got to do my duty,

even at the risk of losing your friendship.

Well, you risked it, and you lost it!

But what I don't see, I can't report.

Now I'm dismissing myself,

and all I see is a soldier sitting alone in the barracks.

Blanche! No names, please.

Just a soldier, and a guard on duty

so they won't be disturbed.

I'm an officer and a gentleman.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Felix gave me this bottle of champagne,

but I'm not really thirsty.

Oh, neither am I.

Hey, did you ever really consider marrying Cecil Panche?

Oh, no. I couldn't go through life as Blanche Panche.

There's no TV in here, or radios.

Just a lot of beds, you know?

I wore my nightie over under my coat.

I didn't want to change in the latrine.

Are you sure you don't mind?

I mean, coming up to Connecticut

on one day's notice, and that crazy wedding.

And now the honeymoon suite is an army barracks.

It could have been worse.

We could have been married in New York,

and then we would have had to spend

our wedding night in your bedroom.

Is that you, Greshler?

Yes, sir. Guarding the area, sir.

Good. Did you bring your harmonica?

Yes, sir.

Why don't you play it?

Right, sir.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hi, Felix.

Where have you been?

Myrna couldn't wait.

I had to cover the racetrack.

Until this hour?

Took me that long to borrow carfare.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

What are you doing? Looking at old pictures?

Yes. What do you see in that picture, Oscar Madison?

Do you see a girl whose hopes were shattered

by your irresponsibility,

your gambling, your all-around sloppiness?

Tell me, Oscar Madison. What do you see?

Some guy with six fingers.