Original subtitles

All right, we'll be back with more contemporary music

here on The Dick Clark Radio Show on WZAZ.

Time now for our big telephone quiz,

and the subject today is, uh... is... uh...

opera.

Opera is the subject.

And for you kids, that's music with a lot of killing.

And if we happen to get ourselves an opera buff,

he or she could win himself a lot of prizes.

Oscar, will you get that?

You're right there, why don't you answer it?

I'm busy.

I'm stirring some pans for your dinner.

And I'm busy. Come on.

So am I. You know Myrna and Murray'll be here

any minute.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Oscar Madison.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

What?

Hey, Felix, I'm gonna be on radio with Dick Clark.

When?

Just now. Yeah. It's some sort of contest.

How come they picked you?

He said he picked my name out of the phone book at random.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Shoot. What's the question?

"What was Mimi's real name in La Bohème?"

Lucia.

Lucia.

Is that right?!

That's terrific!

Felix, you just won four Caruso records.

Yeah?

I've probably got them already.

"Name two operas set in Egypt

where the hero faces a trial of priests."

I think they got you there.

Aida, of course, and The Magic Flute.

Aida, of course, and The Magic Flute.

Is that the truth?

Felix, you've just won a season subscription to

the Opera News magazine.

I already take it.

The final question.

Here comes the biggie. Go ahead. Yeah.

"Name three operas in which the leading lady is named Leonora."

Il Trovatore, by Verdi.

Il Trovatore, by Verdi.

La Forza Del Destino, also by Verdi.

Something else by Verdi.

La Forza Del Destino.

La Forza Del Destino.

It means "The Power of Fate."

In German, it's Die Macht das Schiksal.

In German, it's Die Macht das Schi...

You don't want it in German.

Felix, come on, I only have three seconds... another one!

Fidelio, by Beethoven.

Fidelio, by Beethoven.

You're kiddin'?!

Oh, boy! Thanks! That's terrific.

Felix, I just won a car.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You mean you answered the questions

and he won the car. FELIX: Yeah.

Did you ever?

Hi, Myrna, Murray. Just talking to the radio station.

Sending my car over tomorrow. Murray, it's the first car I've

owned since Blanche won my old one from a judge.

Yeah. Did he tell you how I won it?

You tell how you won it!

It was easy. I answered some questions on opera.

He answered some questions. Felix helped. That's why I'm

letting him have two of the three prizes. Felix helped! Yeah.

Don't start again, Felix.

Who wrote La Traviata?

Whoever.

What about Carmen?

What about her?

You see? It knows nothing.

It knows whose car it is.

He's willing to break up a friendship over greed.

As good a reason as any, eh, Murray?

It's my car.

Why don't you keep it in your room?

You've already got a grease rack.

They called me on my phone, they told me I won.

It's my car. That's the end of it.

Ohh...!

Hey, make room for your boss, huh?

Your best friend.

Good to be with buddies, I'll tell you that, really is.

Hey, what do you say when I get the car tomorrow,

we all go for a ride, huh?

How about going to the race track?

Would you like that, Myrna?

Oh, that's right, you don't like the races.

Murray, what do you say tomorrow,

we take a ride to Coney Island, huh?

Look in the crazy mirrors...

make your nose look smaller...

Eh, Murray, the loop-the-loops...

The cotton candy... The fun house...

The fun house? Yeah.

No.

Come on, will ya?

You mean, he answered the questions,

and you're keeping the car?

I am overcome with shock!

You think I cheated him?

Yeah.

You think I cheated him?

Yes. Who cares what you think?

It's my car. I won it.

Why should I give it to him? He gets everything.

The first thing I ever won in my life.

Why should I give it to him?

What'd he ever give me, except trouble?

Oscar, why can't you two guys share the car?

You mean halfies?

Yeah. Share, share, that's fair.

It's okay with me, if it's all right with him.

Well, what do you say, Felix?

Hmm? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

You want to share the car?

It's okay with me.

Okay, partners.

Hey! I've got a car!

What happened to "We've got a car"?

Now, we can go to the fun house.

Too late!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Felix, the sign said full.

That means for today. When they find out

we want rent by the month, they'll find space.

This garage is nine blocks away

from the apartment!

I'll have to take a cab to get over here.

Cost me four dollars.

It's worth it for the peace of mind.

All right.

Park it with the dented fender facing the wall.

Eh, what can I do for you gents?

My name is Felix Unger. This is Oscar Madison.

Nice names.

We're looking for parking space.

Isn't everybody, huh?

We'd like to rent by the month

on the ground floor towards the rear,

not under any leaky water pipes.

Okay, sign here.

Leave your phone number.

That's it, huh?

When can we see our space?

That's it. You're looking at it.

You're space 83 on the waiting list.

As soon as I fill 82 spaces, I'll give you a call.

How long'll that be?

Who knows? Two, three, four years...

Hey, easy with that car, that one's mine!

We can't wait four years.

What do you got under leaky pipes?

Puddles.

I detect a note of sarcasm.

Be that as it may, there ain't a garage space

within a hundred-block radius of this place.

In fact, most of my openings are inherited.

What should we do?

Check the obituaries.

Follow up leads...

persevere. Aw, come on, let's get out...

Now, wait, wait. What?

There must be a better way to handle this. I'll, uh...

I'll offer him ten dollars.

Will, uh... will this get us anything?

Sure, two fives.

Felix, come on, we're not getting anywhere.

There must be some way.

All right. Let's put our cards on the table.

How high you guys willing to go?

Huh? The limit...

What the sign says... $50 a month.

Pay no attention to the sign. It's an old sign.

Last car that got in for that had a horse in front of it.

Now, how would you feel

if the sign said $250.00 a month?

For $250.00 a month, I can get the car three rooms and a bath!

All right. I tell you, I'll give you one for $200.00,

and that's the same rate I gave my mother.

That's still too high. Can't you do any better?

Well, how's it gonna look if I give

you a better rate than I give my mother?

You shouldn't charge your mother.

Don't say anything about my mother, huh?

Let's keep personalities out of this.

It's a business.

Utilize your intelligence.

Look around yourself at the accoutrements.

You think these are donations?

Felix, what do you say?

I say we'll park on the street. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Where you do you live?

74th and Central Park West.

Central Park West, 32% bus stops.

The rest is one-hour parking. Seventh Avenue and Broadway,

no parking between 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.

75th Street you got your school zone... no parking...

You got your church on the corner...

74th Street, alternate- side-of-the-street parking.

You gotta move your car every morning at 7:00 a.m.

You want to hear about the East Side now?

I never met a guy who knew so much about parking.

Hey, parking's my life.

Give me a street, I'll give you an ordinance.

What do you say?

7:00, we can do it.

You think so?

It's better than paying blackmail.

Good day, sir.

Go ahead, try it.

Try it on the street for a while.

Youse'll be back.

Youse'll be back beggin' on your knees, like my mother was.

Aha!

Oscar!

Oscar!

What're you doin'? What're you, crazy?

You see that, mister?

See that? I can't even see you.

What do you want?

Look, look, look, look, look!

What? It's 7:01.

Good. What's the temperature?

It's your turn to move the car.

Come on! Better hurry up.

All the spots'll be taken.

Well, you're up already. Why don't you do it?

Because it's not my turn.

Then why are you all dressed?

I got up at 6:30 to see if you were going to keep your turn.

It shows on the chart.

What chart?

The Whose-Turn-It-Is- To-Park Chart.

Where does it say on that chart it's my turn to...?

Right there!

All right, will you?

We're looking for parking space.

Felix, I can't take this aggravation anymore.

Now let's sell the car.

Are you crazy?

I will never give permission to sell my half of the car,

and that's that.

Hi. Hi. You the one with a car to sell?

Oscar Madison? Yeah. You Page Livingston?

I'm Pushover Page. I buy cars.

Come in. Here. Pillow.

Here, for your back.

There you go, Page.

Put your feet right up there.

Oh, thank you. Oh!

Good. Okay, what's it worth?

Uh, it's worth $4,500.

Yeah? It's new, ain't it?

Yeah, it's brand-new, a week old.

That's a used car.

Oh, I'd better check my Blue Book.

What do you mean? It's only got a few miles on it

from going around the block,

trying to find a place to park.

As soon as the wheels touch down

outside the showroom, it depreciates.

It's like a new bride.

She can be married ten minutes...

no more new!

Yeah, but you don't understand.

No one's even been in the back seat yet.

Neatness don't count.

As soon as the wheels touch...

All right, with the depreciation, what's it worth?

Well, with the depreciation, $3,000.

Okay, that's not bad.

No, no, that's the depreciation.

Uh, $2,000.

$2,000?

♪ Merrily we roll along ♪

Come on in the kitchen. Make you a cup of coffee.

We've got Brazilian, Colombian,

all kinds of wonderful coffee.

Why don't you go...?

Merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along ♪

♪ Merrily we roll along, over the deep blue sea. ♪

Felix, what're you doing home?

You're supposed to be covering a wedding all afternoon.

Would you believe it? Neither party showed up.

The bride and groom jilted each other.

Me, me and the caterer were left at the altar.

Want some chopped liver mold?

No, thanks. Does this mean

you're gonna hang around all afternoon?

What a break for us. We can work on the new chart.

Listen, I've got a new philosophy.

Alternate weeks, we'll move the car.

Listen, I'm glad you're on top of things... I appreciate it...

But, gee, I didn't expect you home,

and, uh... got a girl in the kitchen.

She's not touching any of my things, is she?

No, I made her promise. Oh.

So could you, you know, disappear a little bit, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You're glad you've got a car now.

You know it, eh, buddy?

Take her for a ride in the country.

Or run out of gas.

You know everything, don't you?

Listen, no matter what happens, don't come out,

because she's hot stuff, okay?

You can come out now.

I didn't make the coffee yet.

We don't have time for coffee.

Oh, your wife keeps a nice kitchen.

Listen, here are the keys.

I'll take the $2,000.

No, less the dealer's preparation.

What dealer? Me.

And then there's the broker's fee.

What broker? Me.

And then there's the resale tax, and...

What about me?

Okay, you're a nice guy.

Now you're gonna find out why

they call me Pushover Page.

For you, I'll throw the book away on this one.

$900.

Pick up the book.

The book will be less.

$900? Your ad said you got the best price in town.

That's the best, that's the best I can do.

Oscar!

Put your head on my shoulders, will you?

What for? Do it. I'll explain later.

Are you a nut? Do it. I won't hurt you.

Look, I'm not that kind of a pushover.

What's going on here?

Don't come in the room, Felix!

I heard.

Heard what?

He told me you were his date.

Date? I'm nobody's date.

Who are you?

Lady, I own half the car, and it's not for sale.

Felix!

I love that car, and it loves me.

You find yourself a nice girl,

you'll be a lot better off.

Don't go, Page!

Don't you touch my body!

I gotta find myself a nice big dog.

It's a lucky thing I came home when I did.

The Power of Fate.

La Forza Del Destino.

I'll tell you something.

I've got a flaw in my character.

I'm a softie.

If I weren't this kind of guy,

I'd move out of here now because of this.

But I forgive you.

That's the cut of my jib.

So, here's the new chart.

Now, alternate weeks.

I'll even overlook that.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hi. I'm refining my chart. I'm making...

I want you to stop beating up my charts!

I'm sick of charts. I'm sick of cars.

I'm sick of parking. No arguments.

We're getting rid of the car.

Not for $900, we're not.

No, for the full retail value.

From whom?

The insurance company.

What, what are you talking...?

Don't cut me off, buddy. Come on.

You remember my childhood friend, Mervin the Finger?

He's out?

Six months now. He told me about a guy

who helps people like us.

Who are people like us?

People who have a car they can't get rid of.

He sells them? He steals them.

Cut it out now, Felix.

I'm not going to let you get mixed up with the underworld.

What underworld? This is not some sleazy hood.

This is a guy that does everything out in the open.

He's a big businessman.

Hello, this is Goldilocks. Can I speak to Papa Bear?

Hang up, Oscar!

I promised I was gonna call him.

I don't want him to get mad at me.

Out in the open. He won't be mad at you.

To him, you're just another Goldilocks. Oscar, stop that.

You know this isn't right.

Is it right what's been happening to me,

$200 for parking tickets?

Running out of gas in the Holland Tunnel?

Getting up at the crack of dawn?

The other day I stopped for something to eat,

they towed away the car.

Cost me $85 for a hot dog.

New York is making a thief out of me.

You are not a thief.

You are a basically honest person.

But if you do this, the Lord will never forgive you.

If he owned a car in New York, he would.

Oscar! I'm gonna have the car stolen!

All right. I'm gonna call the police.

Don't do that. It'll make you a squealer.

Oscar... Give me... Will you stop, please?!

Give me the... give me the phone!

Hello, hello, hello.

Is this Papa Bear? This is Goldi...

What are you whistling in my ear for?!

Now, if you'll try to straighten yourself out,

I'll attempt to forget what I've just seen.

You're right.

This thing is driving me crazy.

Because you're a nice guy,

I'll take your turn parking tomorrow.

Felix, it's not tomorrow.

Don't you see what the car has done?

It's driven me to larceny, blasphemy.

Now it's gonna drive me to my grave!

Can't we get rid of it?

You're right.

You mean it?

We got the car without earning it.

Power of Fate.

La Forza Del Destino.

Die Macht das Schiksal.

It was fate, and an evil fate.

We'll sell it tomorrow, okay?

It's so ironic.

I love the car.

I thought of her as a... a metal goddess.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Its loveliness increases.

It will never pass into nothingness.

Oscar!

What?

Come here.

I'm not insured against vandalism!

La Forza Del Destino.

Die Macht das Schiksal.

10, 15, 20, 25, 28 dollars apiece.

That's all Pushover Page would give us for a stripped car,

but I'm not complaining.

I'm glad to be a pedestrian again.

Hmm.

Fate.

I'll never forget the first time

my folks let me take the car out by myself;

my high school graduation.

I tied a raccoon tail to the antenna.

I took Mildred Fleener to the prom.

After the prom, we went for triple pistachio sundaes...

and we parked in the moonlight...

and she threw up all over the front seat.

Do you think I was wrong not to kiss her good night?