Original subtitles

Hey, Felix, this sounds like a fun vacation.

"A two-week tour of the sin spots

of West Germany."

Where did you get that, Murray?

From an adult travel agency we raided.

This is where you want to take your mother on vacation?

Yeah. They gotta learn sometime.

We'll do better than that for you, Murray.

I really appreciate what you're doing, Felix.

What's he doing that you appreciate, Murray?

He's helping me pick out my vacation.

You want my appreciation, take him with you.

Hey, I'll be gone for two weeks, Oscar.

Will New York be safe without you?

Sure, all the criminals take vacations in August.

Hey, here's something interesting.

Look at this.

"Spend two idyllic weeks in the Caribbean.

Visit San Dominguez."

Ask him what happened in San Dominguez, Murray.

What happened in San Dominguez?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Well, what happened?

It was in San Dominguez that I...

out of the goodness of my heart,

tried to save Oscar's marriage,

and it cost me mine.

I can remember it just as clear as...

clear as the nose on your face.

No offense.

Just an expression.

It all started when the Madisons and the Ungers

decided to take a vacation together.

Hey, this is just like a flashback sequence

in the movies.

You know the screen gets all wavy

and then our faces get all squishy like that.

Be that as it may, Murray,

my former wife, Gloria, and I came by

to pick up Oscar and his former wife, Blanche.

There is no sign of him.

The plane leaves in two hours.

We know that, sweetheart.

Eight years of marriage

and I have never made a plane without puffing.

What are we gonna do?

We're going to sit here and contain ourselves

and not make everyone nervous.

That's very annoying, sweetheart.

Where have you been? Where were you?

At a tea with the queen. Where do you think?

Oscar, our plane leaves in less than two hours.

I'm ready.

Well, you can't get on a plane like that.

Sure he can.

We'll put him in the baggage class.

Don't worry, I'll change. Don't bother.

We'll rent you a kennel carrier.

They have them for big dogs.

That's typical Blanche,

start an argument when we got a plane to catch.

Why don't you admit it.

You did it on purpose,

you never wanted to go away in the first place.

Well, I did have a beautiful couple of weeks planned.

I gotta admit that. A couple of ball games, go to the race track,

shoot a little pool,

catch up on my sleep, a case of beer.

Now, that is a beautiful vacation.

A vacation.

He just described our last New Year's Eve.

Except that night he wore a football uniform.

You hear that?

Why spend money, go to the Caribbean to fight

when we can do it here for free?

That's fine with me, I'm not going!

Good! Blanche, Blanche.

No!

Oscar, I...

I think you rubbed her the wrong way.

There's no right way to rub her.

For eight years, we never made it through one vacation.

We fought in front of the grizzlies in Yellowstone Park.

We fought in front of Goofy at Disneyland.

We had such a fight in the Grand Canyon,

if you go there today you can still hear the echoes.

You see, these people don't know

the first basic ingredient of a good marriage.

The old give and take.

Am I right?

Well, Felix... It's obvious.

I've got to get them on this vacation

because if they could be around us awhile

they would be inspired by our marriage.

Their marriage of straw would turn into a marriage of gold.

We could be Mr. and Mrs. Rumplestiltskin.

Felix, I don't know.

I... But I do.

Glad you're here.

Oscar, Blanche says she wants to talk to you.

Blanche, Oscar says he'd like to talk.

It's working.

Oscar, Blanche is big enough to give in.

Blanchey, Oscar's weakening.

Why don't you meet him halfway?

Okay.

You see, the old give and take.

Well, what do you want?

What do you want?

I though you were big enough to give in.

Oh...! Oh...!

Oscar, Blanche, Oscar...

call me a cock-eyed optimist, but I believe in your marriage.

Call me silly, call me nutsy...

You're silly. You're nutsy.

We'll add to the list...

We fought over an ocean, two new countries

and an unknown lagoon.

Those skies sure weren't friendly tonight.

I just want to lie down.

That's a good idea.

Terrific.

Where do you want me to sleep, on the headboard?

Those are the charming, thoughtful things

that I find so endearing about you, Oscar.

Like walking ten feet ahead of me onto the plane.

What's the matter, didn't you want the stewardess

to know we were together?

How could she not know?

You kept yappin' at me all through the trip.

All I did was ask you for one little drink.

Big deal, I didn't get you one little drink.

Was that any reason to get on the loudspeaker and announce,

"The lady in seat 23F wants a Harvey Wallbanger"?

Welcome to this place.

Thank you.

I am only here to please.

Yeah, you carried the bags great.

Well, is there anything else I can do to please you?

No. Everything's wonderful, great.

Nice kid.

That nice kid just got stiffed.

You forgot to tip him.

Shows you how much you know.

I'm supposed to tip him at the end of my stay.

How do you know? You never stayed here before.

What're you gonna do, start a fight over tipping now?

It's as good a reason as any.

Okay! Hey, bellhop!

Come back, I want to tip you now!

I thought you said you weren't supposed to tip

until the end of your stay.

Now, you got it. This is it!

The end of my stay! Hello.

Oh, fabulous, fabulous!

Listen, Desk...

this is Oscar Madison in hut number two.

Send the bellhop back for the bags; we're checking out.

Yeah.

Well, here we were.

"Dear Diary: Guess what we fought about today?

"Whether or not to tip the bellboy.

I wonder if the judge will ever believe it."

Excuse me, ma'am.

Certainly. Thank you.

Oscar. Yes, ma'am.

I'm not your ma'am, I'm your wife.

I know.

Oscar, this way we're not really giving our marriage a chance.

Boy, we sure do fight a lot anymore.

How does it look to the natives,

two Americans calling each other ugly?

Why don't we try to get along for the next two weeks?

Think we can? We can try.

Remember that couple we saw in the sand dunes coming over here?

They weren't fighting, were they?

They sure were kicking up a lot of sand, huh?

Instead of fighting,

let's see if we can't think of something else to do.

Like what?

Like this.

Hey, we didn't fight once during that whole kiss.

Let's try it again.

Oscar...! Oh, boy.

Blanche...! Here, we're in here, Felix.

Hi, gang. Hi.

Felix, we were just having a business meeting.

We'll meet you later, okay?

I just wanted to tell you that

we're not going to stay in the main hotel.

We've taken a hut like you two lovebirds.

Oh, you're gonna love it, you're gonna love it. Wasn't my idea.

When we got there, the whole place was sold out,

and they had lost our reservations.

Can you beat that?

I was going to make such a scene,

when somebody canceled out of hut number two, so we grabbed it.

No, Felix, whoa... this is hut number two.

See, we're the people who checked out,

but we made up and now we checked in again.

Ain't that a kick in the head, huh?

Well, I wouldn't dream of putting you out.

Well, that's very understanding of you.

You're welcome to stay here with us.

What? FELIX: Gloria. Gloria!

Guess what?

We're all going to stay in the same hut.

Hey, isn't this great?

Remember I said on the plane it would be nice for your marriage

if you could watch a happy marriage up close.

Well, we can't get much closer than this, can we?

Felix, we can't all live in one hut.

What're we gonna do?

There's not another room on the island.

Felix, it is kind of a crazy idea.

Gloria, is that any way for Mrs. Rumplestiltskin to speak?

Felix, we can't do it.

We'll take a vote.

Yes. Yes.

No. No. It's a tie.

Ramon?

Yes.

Nighty-night, kids.

Good night.

Going to sleep under that open window?

Yeah. What about it?

No wonder your marriage is shaky,

your resistance is low.

Me and my crazy sense of humor.

Night-night.

Glass of water?

Check. Mosquito repellent?

Check. Sleep mask?

Check. Tissues?

Check. Nose drops?

Where are my nose drops?

They're in your hand.

Ah, check.

Lights... out. Check.

He makes your bed checklist look like a dream.

What do I do?

Gargle, belch and punch the pillow.

Good night, sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'm gonna do something I haven't done in 25 years.

What's that?

Say my prayers.

Post time!

Come on, Gloria, up and at 'em.

Oh, Felix, I'm sleepy.

One more hour. No, no, no.

Come on, we want to start the Madisons off right.

Show them how a happy couple starts the day.

Come on. Come on.

Let's agree to an hour.

No. We're gonna miss the sunrise.

Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Felix, we like to sleep late.

What has it got ya?!

Sleep!

So that you'll wake up groggy and irritable.

Gloria and I wake up happy and greet the new day.

Don't we, Gloria?

Maybe that's good for you and Gloria.

Blanche and I like to sleep late.

Who's the marriage counselor here, you or me?

You've always done things your way.

For once in your life, do things my way.

All right, all right.

That's a nice boy. Well, now that we're all bright and shiny,

we'll have a super island breakfast, right?

Kumquats... eel...

kelp, a couple of Danish...

Hi, honey.

Just took a long, wonderful walk on the beach.

Now, aren't you glad you came?

Yeah. I'm beginning to unwind now.

Look at that. I'm a loose goose.

Hi, Madisons.

I'm a tired goose.

I thought you were gonna fish all day.

I made them turn the boat around.

Why?

Who can fish with a naked woman on board?

Naked woman?

Blanche, is this naked?

Of course not, darling.

Oh, don't encourage her.

All I can tell you is that she made

a 90-year-old Portuguese fisherman bait his pinkie.

Go change, Gloria, you're getting whiney.

Oh, it's nice out here, isn't it?

Yeah.

Ah, lovely.

Ah! It's good to sit down.

I have been so busy taking care of everybody else,

I haven't had a chance to do anything for myself.

Ah-

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

The Madisons are in trouble again.

What're you talking about?

We're getting along great.

Go sit with Blanche.

Why? The chair's over here.

Go sit in the same chair with Blanche.

Why? It's fun.

Look, look, look.

You see what she's doing?

What's she doing?

She's putting suntan oil on herself.

Go do that. Why?

'Cause women love to have a man rub the suntan oil on them.

All right. Go ahead. Do it, do it.

Honey, you want me to do that for you?

No, I can do it.

Dear Abby wants me to do it. May I?

Ah... Ow!

Ooh! What, what is that?!

I'm sorry, honey, I had sand in my hand and I didn't...

You see what you made me do?

So now you kiss her, you make up.

Do I have to tell you everything?

Now, Dear Abby wants me to kiss you.

Have you had your mouth in the sand?

Please, don't make jokes, will you, Blanche?

I'm having enough trouble with him.

Ah-ah-ah!

Fighting again.

I can't even go to the bathroom.

You two, I'm warning you...

if you two don't shape up, I'm tempted to ship out.

Had you worried, didn't I?

I wouldn't do that.

The Lone Ranger's asleep.

He's driving me crazy.

I know. I know, dear.

I've had better days myself.

I had a better time on Guadalcanal.

Don't say anything.

He's only trying to help.

You call that help?

Having the conga line dance around us singing,

♪ Stay together, you two, stay together, you two. ♪

Shh! Tomorrow morning I'm telling him

he's got to get out of here.

You can't do that. Why not?

Because he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

Listen, tomorrow he leaves or I fly out of here.

Now, what will that solve?

You always do that.

Every time something goes wrong, you split.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, but running away isn't going to help.

Well, say something constructive!

If I had something constructive to say, I'd say it.

Then button up your mouth.

Did you hear that?

The Madisons are at it again.

All the work we did.

I knew we shouldn't leave them alone.

If you hadn't run off with that marimba player...

He wasn't a marimba player.

He was a busboy showing me to the ladies' room.

He walked like a marimba player.

They all walk like marimba players.

We've got a job to do and we're going to do it.

I'll say, "Get out of here, Felix."

We'll fake a fight.

Show them how awful they sound.

Felix, please, I'm in a bad mood.

I don't feel like fighting.

It's easy. You'll fake it.

Come on. I don't think I can fake it.

Yes, you can. I'll show you.

You always want to have your way, don't you?

Well, life is a two-way street, Jezebel!

All right, Felix, you happen to be a very trying person!

You're insensitive, you're aggravating,

you're unreasonable, and you're insanely jealous!

All right. Now, I'm gonna tell you your faults.

You flaunt your flesh!

That's in your mind!

You are a kook!

Oh, I like that.

Well, if you like that, you'll love this.

I have had it!

I am through. Up to here!

Good. Louder, louder!

Felix, I want a divorce.

Good.

They stopped fighting. Good acting.

I wasn't acting.

You're... you're, you're joking, aren't you?

I wasn't joking.

Are you delirious, Gloria?

Did you get too much sun today?

I didn't get any sun today!

You made me take off my bathing suit

and get into a blanket.

Well, you don't break up a marriage over a blanket.

It wasn't just that, Felix.

It was a million other things.

What?

What, what, what? Tell me.

Because I'm a better cook than you?

Because I buy all your clothes?

Just because I clean after you clean?

Yes, Felix, those and...

Felix, I have to be honest with you.

For the past seven years, you have been driving me bananas!

But I love you.

Well, I, I love you, too, but I...

I just can't live with you.

Felix, I'd rather be alone tonight.

Oh!

Felix? Felix.

Can I sleep with you?

Why, what's the matter?

Gloria threw me out.

Oh!

Could you move over just a little bit?

Dear, I'll go and get in bed with Gloria.

No, no, no! No, no, stay here.

I'm perfectly comfortable.

Oh!

I'm gonna go and get in bed with Gloria, dear.

Aw, stay here, don't go. No, no.

Let her go.

I think you're on my nightgown, dear.

Please. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Good night, Felix.

Oh!

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I talk to you about my life?

Now?

Tell me the truth, Oscar, what kind of guy do you think I am?

You want the truth?

Give it to me straight, I can take it.

Well, I think you're a nut and a lunatic,

and you drive everybody crazy.

How could you say a thing like that?!

I was trying to help.

And you do help. I give you credit for that,

but you don't know when to stop helping, so you lose the credit.

That's the thanks I get for trying to save your marriage.

Don't you see?

You'd be better off if you worked on your own marriage.

My healthy marriage was infected by your sick one!

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you stay here and put yourself under quarantine?!

Could you move over a little bit, just...?

Oh!

Good morning, señor.

Good morning, Ramon.

Will there be anything else, señor?

No.

Ramon... why don't you sit down?

Me?

Of course.

I don't believe in any caste system.

This is a democracy, isn't it?

No, it isn't. It's a military dictatorship.

My wife and friends have walked out on me.

I know. You want me to move you into a single?

No.

Would you like to have a mango?

Sure.

Do you, do you like being a bellboy?

Oh, no. As soon as my uncle retires,

I am going to become the assistant manager.

Well, how will it look to have an assistant manager

who drips mango all over himself?

But this is the only way to eat a mango.

It's fun.

It's fun to have your neck, your hands dripping

with sticky gook?

Hey, why do you always bug people?

You know, when I become the assistant manager,

you can't stay here!

Tip now, Yankee.

Hi, Felix.

What are you doing here?

Blanche and I had a fight at the airport.

A biggie; three cops.

But we'll make it up when we get to New York,

we always do.

Besides, I feel why blow a vacation?

Well, I should be with you.

After all, you did try to help us.

You're a true friend, Oscar.

Hey, a mango! Mmm!

Mmm!

And... that's the story

of Felix Unger and Gloria Fleener.

But what happened?

Hmm. OSCAR: What do you mean, what happened?

You know what happened. We all got divorced.

That's what happened.

No, I mean about Ramon.

Did he ever make it as assistant manager?

Well, that's a whole different story.

As we go back into our flashbacks sequence,

Ramon and I got into a...