Original subtitles

So, I knocked his head off, you know?

Yeah.

And it started rolling on the 40-yard line.

Huh? Then it went to the 45-yard line.

Yeah. Boy, they were scared, you know?

Yeah. But it wasn't his head.

Uh-uh.

It was his helmet.

Jake, listen,

since we're gonna call this chapter in the book

"Bones Are Made For Breaking,"

we'll need more violent anecdotes like that.

Oh, I got a million.

Well, let's pick out some of the funniest, okay?

Hey, honey,

how about that time in the Super Bowl game last year, huh?

You never played in the Super Bowl.

Well, I was in the stands

and some guy made a pass at my wife.

Oh.

Jake, he didn't make a pass at me.

Well, then he pinched your hand.

So I pinched his face, you know?

You pinched his face?

What is the hardest you ever tackled a guy?

I tackled a guy so hard one time...

Huh.

Please continue.

His tattoos fell off.

I have to get another cartridge. Wait here.

Oh, Jake, Jake, I'm-I'm gonna go.

What time will you be home for dinner?

Why, I can't go home for dinner tonight, I...

You know, the big game's tonight.

Oh, again?

This is the fourth night in a row

I've had to eat alone.

Well, this is an important poker game.

The quarterbacks are gonna be there. Okay, okay.

But when you come in, please don't wake me up

by snapping me with a towel.

She likes it. Huh.

I don't hit her hard.

She seems unhappy. Something wrong?

Oh, no. She's a classy girl, you know,

but she just don't understand

the camaraderie between ballplayers.

Let's get back to the book.

In your opinion,

what is the single greatest advancement in football

during the last ten years?

Deodorants.

Deodorants.

I think I'll go to lunch now.

Hey. Huh?

Nice meeting you, huh?

Oh...

He squished his face, and tattoos fell off...

Hi, Myrna. Oh, hi.

Don't go in there. He's very busy

with a very large person.

I just have to pick up some opera tickets

he's got for me. Oh, I have 'em here.

Oh.

He gave 'em to me, yeah, here we are.

Thank you. Have fun

and if the baritone's cute, call me.

Heh.

Hey, these are great seats!

Oscar must be dealing with a higher class scalper.

Are you going in there?

No.

I'm going to the opera.

Oh, how... how lucky.

Excuse me.

Are you an opera fan?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

So am I.

Did you by chance see Joan Sutherland in this last season?

Oh, yes. It was beautiful.

You were there? Yes.

So was I.

I didn't see you.

Oh.

Well, you didn't know me.

I know. I know you now.

Well. It was so beautiful I cried.

I made a public spectacle of myself.

Nothing quite like opera, is there?

No. I agree.

Enjoy it. Good-bye. Thank you.

Good-bye. Say, uh,

I was going to trick a friend into going with me

but I'd much rather trick you.

I'm sorry.

Have I said the wrong thing?

Am I being gauche?

Whenever I meet a beautiful woman I act terrible.

I'm sorry... Am I doing it again? Should I shut up?

Would you please go with me tonight?

Tonight?

These are for tonight.

Well, I-I'd love to.

Oh, good!

Where you going now?

Shopping.

Oh, so am I!

Have you had lunch? Uh, no.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar, I've got to tell you what happened to me tonight!

No, no, I'll make you guess.

You ran into Ginger Rogers.

Close.

I met a woman.

Oscar, this is serious.

Did you ever meet someone you knew

was going to change your whole life?

Yes, I met him, a 250-pound linebacker

who's gonna make me rich if you leave me alone

and let me write this book.

Will ya? I'll bow out gracefully

but I wanted you to be the first to know.

I met a woman who loves everything I love.

I hate her already.

You look tired.

I didn't get to sleep till 5:00.

You shouldn't work so late. It's not good for you.

I wasn't working.

That's when you stopped singing.

Oscar, have you ever seen me so happy?

Yeah, when they added soap to Brillo pads.

That was a biggie...

but this, this is the real thing!

Sex?

No, I'm not talking about lust.

I'm talking about love! Oh.

Never mind, spill, spill.

Never mind, spill, spill?

Let's talk.

We went to the opera

and then we went to supper.

Now, do I know every French restaurant in New York,

or do I? You do.

No!

She found a spot in the Bronx

sandwiched between two condemned buildings.

The most wonderful place!

Oh, look this, I spilled...

Never mind, leave it, leave it.

Leave it, leave it?

You mean you're not gonna holler about the way I eat? No, no.

I'm too happy to deal with mundane things today.

Where did you meet such a wonderful, great girl?

Outside your office,

as a matter of fact. Is that right?

Oh, we had the most wonderful evening.

We took a carriage ride

through Central Park. You're putting ketchup on your food.

I love it.

You love ketchup?

And after the romance of Central Park

we rushed to the honky-tonks of 42nd Street!

We went to a penny arcade!

Everything's a quarter now.

But, well, we had fun.

I won a prize for you.

A plastic boat for the bathtub!

Then we had our pictures taken

in on of those places where you crowd in

four for a quarter, you know.

And we made funny faces.

It was so much fun.

The, the bottom picture's nice.

I wanted one nice picture of the two of us.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm meeting Melanie.

We're spending the whole day together.

What are you gonna do?

Who knows? We don't make plans.

We go, we do.

We're a now couple!

Don't do the dishes, leave them for me.

Don't do the dishes?!

Melan... Melanie?

Outside my office Melanie?

That's the Melanie.

Felix!

Felix!

So you wanted to get the quarterback.

How did you know when to red dog?

The tape is rolling. What?

Jake, we were doing so great yesterday.

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, Oscar.

It's, it's Melanie.

There's something wrong.

What could be wrong? I don't know.

She's just been acting weird lately, you know.

She's been dancing around the house like...

Ginger Rogers.

Ah!

I'm going home now.

Well, you must be imagining things.

There's only two things that get me mad.

Some little midget field goal kicker

trying to take a cheap shot at me...

or someone fooling around with my wife.

Now you know what you oughta do?

I-I-I think we ought to take a break.

Why don't you go to lunch and sit by the sea

for a couple of weeks... Hello. Am I interrupting anything?

Felix, what are you doing here? Sorry.

Say... I recognize you,

you're Jake Metcalf.

Hello, I'm Felix Unger,

I'm Oscar's roommate.

Well, what a thrill.

Old 88. Yeah, well, you don't want

to get to know Old 88 too well, Felix,

it'll take out the fun when you read the book.

I didn't want to interrupt.

I just have to use your good offices

to get some theater tickets.

You got 'em, Buddy, you got 'em. Good-bye.

You don't know what they're for.

Don't worry about it. Whatever it is,

just give me the name of the show,

no other names, just the name of the show...

She wants to see a new off-Broadway show,

a Chicano musical called Lettuce!

You got 'em. Two heads, I mean two tickets. Don't worry. You got...

She's very eager to see this.

It's hard to get tickets for.

Now, don't worry about it, will ya? No,

I'll get the tickets for Lettuce.

I know a linebacker and he invested in it,

used it for a tax write-off.

I'll give him a buzz.

Thanks. He's a nice guy.

Yeah, can I talk to you...?

All right, you know who he is, right?

Jarring Jake, yeah.

Do you know who his wife is?

Mrs. Metcalf, I presume.

Right again.

Mrs. Melanie Metcalf.

Melanie... Don't do that.

His wife's name is the same as my girlfriend's name.

Hey, Jake... Felix!

What?

Felix, your girl is his wife.

My Melanie is his Melanie?

That's right.

I don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it.

For all our sakes you better believe it.

I... I never knew she was married.

Then she wasn't just waiting for me to come along.

But some day he'll be waiting

for you to come along and then...

you see how your face is all screwed up?

That will be a permanent condition.

Oh, that poor baby.

Okay, now you know what's at stake,

your poor baby, your body, my book.

You gotta get out of this mess. Get out?

Yeah, you gotta stop seeing her.

Just ask me to cut my heart out.

Oh, Jake'll take care of that.

Oh, I'm not afraid of him, buster.

Love has made me strong.

Felix, strength has made him stronger.

Oscar, I'll have to ask you to butt out.

This is strictly between Jake and me.

Okay. Fine.

I'll settle with him later.

I tackled a guy so hard one time...

Huh... his tattoos fell off.

When you type it up for the book leave out the...

Okay, I'll leave a space so the readers could fill in their own.

I hate violence.

Oh, he's a pussycat.

He's a big pussycat.

Hello, Oscar. Melanie!

Come on in, come on in. Thank you.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything,

but I'd really like to talk to you.

Oh, sure, sure.

Myrna, why don't you go out to lunch?

It's 10:00. It's too early.

That's good, everything'll be fresh.

Here, here.

Go, go. Oh, good, I can eat in the subway.

Here, go ahead and live.

Here. Go, go.

Sit down, sit down.

Thank you. That's a pretty suit.

Oh, thank you.

You want a cup of coffee or anything?

No, thank you.

You gonna...

Anything I can do for you at all?

No, just talk.

I'm sorry. It's all right.

How's the book?

Oh, the book is great.

You know, it goes high and low.

Let's talk about Felix. Mmm.

You know? Yeah.

Oscar, I had no idea that Felix was your roommate

until Jake told me about the Lettuce tickets.

Can I be straight with you?

Please. What I want to know is,

why you didn't tell Felix you were married in the first place.

I tried. I couldn't. Why not?

I guess I didn't really want to.

Oh, Oscar, I really like the guy.

I've never done anything like this before in my life.

I don't know. When I was with Felix,

I forgot everything else.

How can you forget? You're married to Jake Metcalf.

Oh, well, that's the problem.

You see, that's the reason that I fell for Felix.

Ever since that I've been married to Jake,

I've always been known as Jake's wife.

And then when I was out with Felix,

suddenly, I was just plain Melanie, and I loved it.

Yeah, but you can't go around falling in love

with everybody who calls you by your first name.

Oh!

But Felix isn't everybody.

Felix is incredible.

I mean, he's charming, and sincere, and...

he makes me laugh.

He does?

Oh, well, I don't have to tell you about him.

I mean, you live with him.

I live with a different Felix.

Melanie, what are you going to do?

Well, my latest decision, as of a half hour ago,

was to break it off.

The marriage?

Oh, no. I realize now I want to save my marriage.

I'm gonna have to break it off with Felix, but how?

I mean, yesterday we went to the U.N. Building,

and this morning, Felix sent me a dove

with an olive branch taped to its beak.

Now, how can you ditch somebody

who's just sent you a dove?

That is rough. Look, I'll do it for you.

You will? Oh, sure. I know how to handle him.

We've been friends for so many years.

Don't worry. I'll be very tactful.

See, I'll say, "Here's your bird.

"I hope it pecks your heart out.

Now get out of Melanie's life and mine."

No, no, no, Oscar.

You don't think that's strong enough?

No. Thank you, but I-I... I couldn't ask you to do that.

No.

This is my responsibility, and-and... and I'll handle it.

We're meeting for lunch at your house today.

Do you suppose you could be there for moral support?

Yeah, I will be. Honest, I'll be there. Don't worry about it.

Oh, Oscar, thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

Boy, am I full.

Were you listening?

No.

He gave her a bird?

♪ Buckle down, Winsocki, buckle down ♪

♪ You can win, Winsocki, if you buckle down ♪

♪ If you break their necks, if you gave... ♪

What are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Melanie's coming over here.

Hey, that's good spaghetti sauce. Mmm.

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah, I heard you.

Well, you don't seem very surprised.

Oh, but I am!

I am. Let's try it again.

Melanie's coming over?! Wow!

Oscar, I've spent the whole morning walking

and thinking and singing.

I've finally come to a decision.

What?

I've got to tell Melanie we're through.

"La commedia è finita."

Pagliacci.

"Th-That's all, folks."

Porky Pig.

Ah. Isn't this what you wanted me to do?

Oh, now, you asked me to butt out, and I butt out.

Look at me, I'm buttin' out.

It's Melanie. Yeah. Good luck.

Listen, if you need me, I'll be in my bedroom

in between two condemned sheets.

Hello, Felix. Hi.

Come in, Melanie. Oh.

Melanie?

I love your name, Melanie.

I hate the name Olga.

Melanie's a beautiful name.

Edna's a nice name.

I like Tom, but never mind.

Sit down, sit down.

Melanie, I...

I know something that you don't know I know.

You're married.

I know.

You know...?

Well, yes...

Oh, of course you know. You're the one who's married.

I'm the one who didn't know.

I know.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, Felix, I wanted to, and I'm sorry.

I-I just haven't been able to sleep at night just...

Melanie, no, I understand.

I know what you've been going through.

I'm a great date, and you became involved.

Felix. No, no. Listen to me, sweetheart.

Since my divorce,

I've had four or five...

What would you call them... liaisons.

Maybe you'd call them affairs.

Two liaisons, three affairs.

Three liaisons, two affairs.

Actually, it's more like...

No, no, three liaisons and two affairs.

A brief fling with a dental hygienist.

That was half business anyway. That was...

But nothing serious.

Nothing that I would call a relationship.

And that's why I feel

we've got to be very mature about this.

I agree with you, Felix.

Now, we can't be swayed by sentimentality.

Sure, we've got wonderful memories...

The opera, the French restaurant,

the carriage ride through Central Park.

Uh, am I leaving anything out?

No, Felix, I think you've pretty well covered it.

And we cherish those memories, and we must, but...

you're married, and so they must remain just memories,

and that's why I feel

we've got to be very cold about this, very realistic.

I know, Felix, and that's what I came over to tell you.

I've decided not to see you anymore.

Why not?

Well, uh,

for the reasons you just said. Stupid reasons!

We've got... We've got wonderful memories. We've got the opera.

We-we've got the carriage ride through the park.

Oh, yes, Felix, and they were fun, but...

The penny arcade! That's the one I left out.

Is that why you don't want to see me anymore, 'cause I left it out?

No! 'Cause if it is, I'll put it back in.

Oh, no, no! Didn't you get the dove I sent you?

Oh, yes, Felix, I did.

But we've got to stop seeing each other completely.

Why? Why? Why can you say a thing like that?

We belong together, we're a team!

I know these things.

I'm a photographer. I know!

Oh, Felix, I never said that I loved you.

Well, you don't have to say it.

You're saying it now with your eyes.

Don't you think I know what's going on right now?

You love me so much, you're trying to protect me

from your husband, but I'm not afraid anymore.

I may have been before,

but love has given me the strength of a Sampson.

Felix, where are you going?

I'm going to tell Old 88 the truth,

and the truth shall set ye free.

Oh, no, no. If I'm not back in 30 minutes,

eat the spaghetti, because it'll only go to waste anyway.

Felix!

Oh!

Os... Oscar!

Okay, everybody... everybody out on the field!

Mr. Metcalf?

Felix. Oh, yeah, the play.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'll get the tickets for you and your lady.

That was no lady, that was your wife.

What? What am I saying?

Mr. Metcalf, this is very difficult to say.

Your wife and I are... are very much...

Very much what?

We're an item.

An item?

Yes. Oh!

What are you trying to say, you been going out with my wife?

That's very aptly put, actually, yes.

Come on, Jake!

Come out on the field. Yeah, yeah.

What are you, some kind of a weirdo?

I rather think not.

I'm gonna hit you in the head.

Violence won't solve anything, will it?

I don't want to solve anything.

I'm gonna hit you in the head.

Get in the locker.

And don't come out till after the game.

Jake, hiya, just thought I'd come down and wish you a little luck.

Oh, yeah? Everything all right there?

What's your part in this whole thing?

What whole thing is that?

Yeah, with my wife and that twirpy friend of yours.

What... What twirpy friend?

I don't know what you mean.

Tweety Pie here. Are you all right?

Oscar, what are you doing here?

I can fight my own battles.

Yeah, but you can't win 'em. You galoot!

I tried to be honest with you, and you brutalize me!

Felix, are you kidding?!

What are you doing?

What am I doin'?

I'll tell you what I'm doin'!

I'm gonna beat two guys up

that's ruining my life, that's what I'm...

Oh, sure, Jake, you've got a problem.

Solve it in the usual way... Hit, smash,

squeeze a face, but the problem is you and me, Jake.

That's absolutely right.

Will you stop, troublemaker?

Ooh.

Are you in love with twirpy here?

I-I could be.

I mean, he's sweet, and-and he's kind,

and-and he's there when I need him, Jake,

the way you used to be.

Well, I'm sweet.

Oh, you don't want to do that, Jake.

And I'm kind, and ain't I there?

Well, not lately.

I mean, ever since you became a pro, I never see you.

Oh, I see, you're knockin' football, huh?

Well, it got me out of the steel mills,

gave me an education.

It made me a first-class citizen.

I... I met the president.

Did you meet the president?

Did you?

I don't know who to hit.

Oh, Jake, I don't want you to give up football.

I mean, I fell in love with a football player,

but can't I at least be half-time.

Game time, Jake!

Stay here.

Look it, honey, I don't want to lose you.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna let you.

Come on, Jake!

Yeah, yeah.

Look it, right after the game, huh?

Yeah, we'll have dinner, and we'll talk.

Okay. No, I can't tonight.

Look it, to...

Okay, yeah, we'll have dinner and talk.

Jake, your helmet. Good luck.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Felix.

I'm sorry.

Boy, this is gonna be the best chapter.

It's a love triangle.

The movies are gonna buy this.

You see... What happens?

The player and the girl... They walk away happy.

They leave the guy broken. Who...

I'm sorry, Felix.

It must have been a rough night, huh?

Hey, how's your face?

It's my heart that's broken.

Having to watch my girl reconcile with her husband

while he was pinching my face between thumb and forefinger...

It's humiliating.

Oh, it's not humiliating.

I mean, Melanie's a very special kind of girl.

Hey, Felix, she was ready almost to...

to give up her marriage because of you.

I mean, she and Jake have been together a long time.

I think that's a compliment.

I think it means you're some kind of special guy.

Hmm. I am.

You gave me a great chapter.

I'll give you a great dinner.

I know an Italian restaurant

sandwiched between two bookie joints, okay?

You're lucky to have a...

Oh!

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

I know, I know, I know.

Of all the words of tongue or pen,

the saddest are these...

"it might have been."

Melanie and I...

Two ships that passed in the night.

Three ships, if you count Jake.

Lovely moment, brief encounter.

Cold, gone, like my spaghetti sauce.

Mmm! It's still good.

You should try it.