Original subtitles

Oscar...

You promised to take your things

to the dry cleaner's today, remember?

Never mind, I'll do it.

They don't need it.

This doesn't need it?

I only wore it once.

Where? To bed?

It looks as though it's too late for this little guy.

Felix, they're mine.

We know that, but mine have to hang up next to them.

I wish you would hang up next to them.

What's this?

Poor baby.

Born a shirt, died a rag.

Not dead... only wounded.

I'll save your life, little shirt.

You're lucky you room with a guy

who makes you laugh, you know that?

Here's a good game...

Try to find the original crease.

Oscar, how can you do this to me?

This is my health insurance payment.

I gave you this to mail... over a month ago.

Oh, I forgot. Leave it here.

I'll mail it tomorrow.

It's too late now.

My period of grace has expired.

Oscar!

What?!

If I get sick now I'm not insured.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Why are you honking?

A minute ago you were feeling fine.

A minute ago I could afford to feel fine. I thought I was insured.

What if I catch something now?

Call the insurance company. They'll be sympathetic.

Skyscrapers aren't built on sympathy, buster.

What are you talking about?

Your insurance agent is your friend.

Call him up, he'll help you.

Oh, yeah, Ed Green... Yeah, he likes me.

I'll call Ed Green.

The guy loves me. Yeah.

Hmm. You call him.

Why? The guy doesn't love me.

You used the phone last.

I don't want to catch a virus now.

Viri attack people who don't have coverage.

Come on.

All right, stop honking and I'll call him.

Gimme that number.

I feel better.

Good old Ed Green.

Sent me a calendar for Christmas.

Naked lady falling off a ladder in her home.

Hello. Ed Green, please.

I see.

Thank you.

Start honking. He was fired.

Oh, they'll cancel me for sure.

They've been looking for an excuse

to get rid of me for years.

So have I.

They fired Ed to get to me.

I don't blame them. You know, you once put in a claim

because a barber took too much off the top.

He also nicked me.

I was covered for that under my general abrasion policy.

Ah, Felix, you put in for more claims

than the Flying Wallendas.

It doesn't bother you at all that I'm not covered, does it?

This is all your fault. Let this be on your head.

What happened to Bozo Unger, the guy who always made me laugh?

All right, it was my fault, I'll do something about it.

I'll help you.

You're not gonna help by cleaning your desk out.

You're just raising more dust.

Hey, insurance agent, friend of mine,

and I'll call him to come right over...

What company is he from?

Lloyd's of Lubbock?

He's a race track crony of yours?

Yeah, but he's legit.

He insures all the jockeys in case they grow.

So a couple of guys named Lloyd got together and started this company.

I don't see a New York office.

You have an office here, right, Lloyd?

Oh, sure, right here.

Here, in this building?

No, no, here in this apartment.

I don't have an office office.

Wherever I'm sitting at the time, that's my office.

Cuts down on the overhead.

Passes the savings on to you.

I see.

All right, now, shall we talk insurance?

Now, um...

how much were you paying through your previous company?

$200.

$200... huh...

Don't you have a piece of paper you can write on?

Paper costs money, Mr. Unger.

Money is overhead, overhead is higher rates.

That's why I can give you complete coverage

for half of what you were paying.

$150.

Sir, $150 is not half of $200.

He's right, Lloyd.

I'll show you.

$200 divided by two...

That's one... that's $100.

A little error in arithmetic.

Complete coverage, Mr. Unger... $100.

That's great, Felix.

Oh, come on, forget the style...

At least you're insured. That's important.

Just shake this hand, Mr. Unger, and you are insured as of now.

Don't I have to sign any papers or anything?

We trust you at Lloyds.

Our motto, sir, is: "Insurance by Handshake."

So give me your paw

and $100 and we'll mail you a policy.

But he'll be insured as of now, right?

As soon as he shakes my hand.

Oh, I have to clear it with the home office. In Lubbock?

No, in Buenos Aires.

Argentina?

Well, now, Argentina is just a mailing address

we use for tax purposes.

Oscar, please ask this gentleman to leave.

This is a solid company, Mr. Unger.

The military junta is behind us.

That's it.

All right, come on, one little handshake.

Not business, just social.

Good-bye, Mr. Lloyd.

I think you lost him, Lloyd.

Well, win some, lose some.

I'll see you at the racetrack this afternoon.

You're insured, Oscar. Oh, cut it out.

He's the only insurance agent I know.

You're not going to the racetrack

with Lloyd or anybody else.

You're going with me.

Where? To my old insurance company.

We're going to beg them to give me a physical and reinsure me.

What do you need me for?

To make sure nothing happens to me on the way.

A minor accident could wipe me out.

I can get struck by lightning, I can get bitten by a dog,

I can get kicked by a horse.

All right. I'll handcuff you.

I'll send you by diplomatic pouch.

You owe me.

Okay.

You see? I wasn't prepared for that accident.

What accident?

What are the scratches in the eighth, Erwin? Look 'em up.

You know who I saw in the waiting room after my examination?

Who? Nobody.

Where were you?

I waited. What took you so long?

They were laying for me, boy.

They poked and probed every orifice in my body.

Different doctor for each orifice.

Erwin, gimme $20 to win on Kidneystone.

They even checked between my toes for athlete's foot.

I'm in perfect health.

My blood pressure's normal, pulse rate is normal,

better than normal.

I achieved perfection in pulse rate.

The nurse said I had the body of a 17-year-old.

What are you looking for?

A clean spot to stand.

You don't seem very happy about passing,

I'll tell you that.

They raised my premium rates by twice as much.

I have to pay $400 now.

How come? New rates...

Because an old friend forgot to mail my check

at the old rate. Does that ring a bell?

What's the difference? At least you're insured now.

If you get bit by a dog it's all right.

I'm not insured until I mail them the check.

That reminds me...

If you're going out, will you mail this for me?

There goes the last clean spot.

Felix... Felix...

Hey, mail this for me, will ya?

What is it, your 1965 tax return?

Here.

That's to my insurance company.

Did you take out a policy?

No, it's a thank-you note to them for sending you home safe.

Sure, it's a policy.

Well, congratulations, I'm proud of you.

You scared me with all that talk...

One accident could wipe out all my life savings.

I figured I was down there... I'd take out some.

You'll never regret it.

$400.

How much is your premium?

How much?

What did you say?

$200.

$200?

Why, that's only half...

I guess I have better orifices than you do, and...

You have the body of a 17-year-old chicken.

What quacks those doctors are.

I'm a better risk than you.

Oh, come on, I'm an athlete.

I play softball every Sunday.

Softball?

What is this... compared to this?

What is this, you're rocking a baby? What is that?

Isometrics.

Look, that's four softball games.

That's four softball...

Felix, we have high-scoring games.

Last week we won 59 to 16.

And when you come up to bat 20 times in one inning

you know you've done a lot of running.

All right, you asked for it.

Let's see you do this.

What?

Get off my jacket!

Get off my coat!

The nerve of those guys.

Anybody can see I'm a better physical specimen than you.

Hey, maybe if you'd jumped on the doctor's desk

he would have knocked off a few dollars.

I don't find that very amusing.

I have to pay $400 because you forgot

to mail my check and I'm in better shape than you.

You had to pay $400 because you're a $400 risk.

I had to pay $200 because I'm a $200 risk.

You think you're in better shape than me?

You bet your sweet orifice, I do.

Let's have a contest.

You choose five events, I'll choose five events.

We'll have a decathlon.

Okay, what's the bet?

I'll bet you the difference in our premiums, $200.

All right, shake that hand and you've got a bet.

57, 58, 59... 60.

Oh!

Hey!

You really believe you could beat Oscar?

You kidding?

Look at that chart.

Look where I'll be by Saturday.

Yeah, but you know he's a sportswriter.

He knows how to prepare himself mentally.

He was up until 3:30 this morning

preparing himself mentally.

Well, Joe Namath stays up late, too.

Murray, there's a difference between staying up late

with a girl and staying up late looking for a girl.

You gonna do some more sit-ups?

No, I'm gonna run around the reservoir a couple of times.

It's raining outside.

Oh, well then I'll run up and down the steps.

Why don't you take the elevator?

Murray, Murray, Murray.

Hey.

So long, sucker.

Hi, Oscar.

Where's Jack LaLanne going?

He's running...

He's running up and down the stairs.

Why doesn't he use the elevator?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, I gotta tell you everything?

He usually runs around the reservoir,

but it's raining out there.

The reservoir? It must be a mile around that thing.

It's a mile and a quarter. I clocked it.

He can do it three times.

What is this slop?

It's Felix's training breakfast.

It's a special mixture of, uh, wheat germ, yeast

and desiccated liver powder.

It builds up his body.

Every body needs pizza and beer.

I don't know, Oscar.

He's getting himself in very good shape.

Look at that!

What is that?

That's his chart.

Isn't that cute?

Does he give himself gold stars, too?

What is that, 110 push-ups?

Is that for the week?

Uh-uh. That was for this morning.

This afternoon he's going for 120.

You saw him do them?

I sure did. You're kidding me.

He made this up to impress me, to scare me.

Uh-uh-uh.

Everything he did is right down here.

I wrote it myself. You see the two?

Yeah. It's got the little curl on it?

That's a Murray curl.

Seven, nine, 11...

Oscar, Felix counted by ones.

I'm counting by ones, too.

Up is one and down is one.

17, 21, 25...

Oscar, you're counting by fours now.

And Felix's stomach never touched the ground.

Oh, I can do it! Here!

33, 62... 80, 82!

Put down 82, Murray.

Oscar, I'm a policeman.

I can't falsify public records.

I'll take care of you at Christmas.

82... And make it a Murray curl, huh?

You want to do some sit-ups now?

What a great idea.

I think I'll sit up on the couch.

Oh, boy!

Put down another push-up. Make it two; 84 even.

84. Oscar, why don't you take a nice hot bath?

That's a good idea.

Oh, Murray, Murray, look at me. Look.

I look like King Kong

and I got the strength of Fay Wray.

Don't you tell Felix how tired I am.

Don't worry.

Help me, help me.

Here. Point me toward the hallway.

Give me a hard shove. Go, go.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Felix, how're you feeling?

Fine. Where's Oscar?

He's taking a bath. Oh.

Not because he's tired.

It's a cleanliness bath.

Did he just go in there, or is he nearly finished?

He just went in.

Good. Oh!

Felix, what's the matter?

I'm pooped.

Let me help you over to the couch, okay?

Either that or bring it here.

Oh!

What happened?

I guess I just overdid it.

I was jogging around the reservoir

when I just... gave out.

You don't know what pooped is

until you've been overtaken by an 80-year-old woman.

An 80-year-old woman?

Wearing corrective sneakers.

Don't tell Oscar.

Oh, Felix, I would never

tell on either one of you.

Gee, I hate to leave, but we got a big porno raid tonight

and I gotta go home and shave.

Bye, Felix.

Murray! The faucets are so tight.

Hiya, buddy. How are ya?

Fit as a fiddle.

Me, too. Feel like a gorilla.

Where's Murray?

He just left.

Oh!

I'm gonna fix myself a high-protein drink.

You want some?

No, I'd rather have a beer, buddy.

Okay. I'll get it for you.

No task too great.

Oh, jogging's a great exercise, you know that?

So they tell me.

It picks you up. Yeah.

It doesn't wear you out.

Just like push-ups.

Oscar?

There was a little lint on the floor.

Ah...

Oh, I see you got yourself a chart, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

84 push-ups.

Well, yeah, I didn't have time for any more.

Uh-huh. Felix, I got you.

You're so tired you can hardly move.

No, no, just resting one of my eyes.

The other one was on the ball.

Admit it. I caught you.

You're so tired you can't open a can of beer.

If exhaustion were an event, you'd win it.

No, sir, I'm not gonna let you off the hook,

not even if you beg me.

I'm not about to beg you for anything.

Why don't you just shake that hand

and then the bet is doubled?

There we go.

It's a challenge...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Now, we're gonna have some real athletic events.

What's the matter with those events?

Handball's just not your game, huh?

I give you handball, but I rather like bowling.

Why not? You won.

Yes, even though I had to use rented shoes.

What's this pool business?

What kind of game is that?

A contest to see who can stand the most cigar smoke?

Oh, you gotta have a good eye,

good coordination, huh, Murray?

Pool is dumb! Dumb!

With a capital D that rhymes with P that stands for "pool."

I saw it in a movie once.

Anyway he beat you fair and square in tug-of-war.

Tug-of-war. We used his sheets.

I let go on purpose.

Don't be a crybaby, Felix.

I beat you three out of four.

You wanna quit now?

We've got to come to my events yet, remember?

What's next, Ref? Look...

Oscar's fifth and final event is basketball.

Okay, let's go.

Right up, all right.

Here we go. Yeah. What do we do?

You know how to play basketball.

Not since grade school.

Take the ball, cup it in your hand

and you just go like that and shoot the ball.

I can do better than that. I hope so. There we go.

All right, give you a couple of warm-up shots.

Where are the laces?

They don't have laces anymore.

I like laces.

Let's go. What's with the foot?

Again with the foot?

What is that?

Hand me that ball, will you, Murray?

Stop with the foot. Just shoot it straight.

All right. Look, again with the foot.

Good shot. Okay.

The first one to get ten baskets in wins, okay?

Okay, what do we do?

You take it out first.

Okay. Okay.

You've got your hands in my face.

I know.

Well, put them down. I'd like to shoot.

Time out.

Felix, he's allowed to do that.

He's allowed to be rude?

Some game.

It's called "defensive playing."

You want to take a shot, get around your opponent.

Come on. What's the matter now?!

He didn't say "Time in."

Time in!

Went straight in.

There it is.

Oscar wins.

That's four out of five events.

I concede you basketball.

Want to quit?

Are you serious?

Now we come to my events.

Ready, Mr. Referee?

Felix's five events are all gonna be run at once.

What?

Now, this is kind of a steeplechase, Oscar.

Not like those games of dubious skill you wasted our time with.

This is a real test of conditioning.

What's with the gloves?

You don't want to leave fingerprints?

I don't want to get calluses.

You're free to wear gloves if you want to.

I like calluses.

All right. Now, the first event

is a walk-through on the parallel bars.

What kind of an exercise is that?

You walk through the parallel bars.

No, you walk through the parallel bars like this.

Is that too much for you?

Say so right now if it is. You're free to stop.

The second event is on the mat, handstand with an alley-oop.

What's an alley-oop?

Headstand with an alley-oop.

Headstand and alley-oop!

Oh, you say alley-oop?

Yeah. Followed by five perfect push-ups

where the chest touches the ground.

Next event,

100-pound-barbell military press behind the neck

five times. You got it?

I think I can handle it.

Are you sure? Because if you're not,

I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

If you can do it, I'll try it.

And finally, three perfect chins.

The chin above the block.

Nothing to it if you're in condition.

Are you ready?

Let's try it.

One thing, gentlemen, anyone who fails

to complete any of the events

must go right back to the beginning.

And may the better man emerge victorious.

Okay.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Am I moving, Murray?

Look as though you're still at the starting gate, old-timer.

Headstand.

Alley-oop.

Keep it up. I love your spirit.

And one and two and three and four

and five...

and nip up. Perfect.

Keep at it.

I love the way you're going. That a way.

That a way.

Ah! One, two... Alley-oop!

Three... and four and five.

That's the old boy.

Five!

Oscar, your tongue's hanging out.

Looks kind of porous.

And there we are!

Take it easy. Rest, baby doll, rest.

Congratulations, Felix.

That was almost perfect.

What do you mean, almost?

You only did two chins.

No, I did three.

No, you did two. I was counting.

No, I... I'll do one more.

No, no, no, man, you gotta start from the beginning.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah.

No doubts about this whistle here.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Alley-oop! Oh!

Oh, and, oh... Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! No! Oh!

Oscar won! The winner!

The better man emerged victorious.

Oh!

When I get home, I'll write you out a check for $200.

No, Felix, I can't take it.

I cheated in two events.

See, I never alleyed, but I ooped, you know.

You're honest enough to admit you cheated.

I'm also honest enough to know how happy I am

that I have that $5,000 insurance policy.

Oh, my...

$5,000? Yeah.

I have a $10,000 insurance policy.

You mean that's why my premium's 200...?

We're both in the same shape.

Hey, I got a $15,000 insurance policy,

just cost me $75.00.

A guy named Lloyd just shook my hand, that's all.

Hey, Felix, I meant to ask you.

How did you jump up on the desk like that?

It's easy for me.

I've got natural elevation.

In high school I was voted "Most Limber Boy."

Did you win any awards in high school?

Of course I did.

I won an award for the Best Water Fountain Monitor

and I won an award for the Most Amiable

and I won a plaque for neatness.

How did you win those?

I won 'em in a crap game in the boys' room.