Original subtitles

Yeah. Okay, sweetheart, don't worry about it.

He's going to be fine.

Great, okay, bye-bye.

Look at this desk.

Look out! Cold stuff.

Cold stuff! Cold stuff!

Cold stuff. I did it.

It's all set, Friday night, 7:00 on that table.

Whoa, there!

I was at work on this desk.

What, you got a poker game up?

Not a poker game, the poker game.

You know I had trouble getting the guys together Friday night?

Vinnie, Murray, Steve, you and me, Oh, great, great.

And we can play weekend! That's marvelous.

Listen... Yeah, I know it's going to make a mess.

I got it arranged with a maid to come and clean on Sunday.

Oh, that's wonderful. Yes, and I made her promise

she was going to leave the windows for you.

You're a hot sketch, you really are. Felix!

Listen... The refrigerator's cluttered with food.

There's no room for the beer!

Everything you say is funny. Can we finish this food by Friday?

No wonder people laugh at every...

Listen. Yeah?

I've got news, Oscar. What?

I'm getting back together with my wife.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You and Gloria together... wow!

I know I didn't give you much warning...

Who needs warning? What a combination!

Hello, poker, good-bye Felix party!

I'll help you pack, come on.

Your suitcase is in my room.

My suitcase is in your room? Yeah.

I'll need a rag.

How come my suitcase is in your room?

Well, I used it on my last trip to Chicago.

When did I lend it to you? Well, see, they won't let me

check into hotels with my luggage.

No, no! Look what he's doing.

Aw, look at that!

Have tuna fish, will travel.

Botulism in my beautiful suitcase.

If you're gonna travel,

you're gonna need some of these here.

Listen, Oscar, you're not listening to me.

I'm not leaving.

Don't toy with me while I have dangerous hangers in my hand.

No. You're not leaving?

No. Forget thanks.

You misunderstood what I said.

I said, "I'm getting back with Gloria."

I didn't say, "I'm going back to Gloria."

How're you getting back with her if you're not leaving?

She's coming here.

Here, here?

Yeah. Now, here's the scoop:

Gloria's house is being painted, and she and the kids

have to get out for a couple days.

Oh, boy, the kids, too. That's all I need.

Kids while we playing poker! No, not the kids.

The kids are going to her parents' house in the country.

Look what a grouchy bear!

Come on, Oscar.

A couple of days together may be just what

Gloria and I need to straighten out our differences.

But what about the poker game? It was supposed to be

a big reunion. What about the poker game?

This isn't going to affect our poker game.

How can you set... Gloria's going to come here and it's not

going to interfere with the poker game?

What difference does it make? I swear to you...

I... If-If I ruin the poker game, I'll...

I'll eat that tuna fish sandwich.

Come on, don't...

Don't be a grouchy bear, come on.

Be a nice bear.

Come on.

Come on, let's see that nice bear smile.

Come on, big smile.

That's it! That's my Gentle Ben.

This is so silly.

No, it's not. Help me. Pick up the flowers.

Pick up the flowers there and I'll pick up these.

Where'd you get it? I saved it from the honeymoon car.

There, aw.

Isn't that beautiful?

Think she'll remember? Why, of course.

Everybody remembers their honeymoon.

When's she coming? Soon. Soon!

What are those, your wedding pictures?

There's a honeymoon picture

and a picture of our kids when they were babies.

You think this is too obvious? No!

When she comes in, why don't you throw some rice in her face?

Felix, I don't envy you

sleeping on this couch, I'll tell you that.

Well, maybe I won't have to sleep on the couch, huh?

What's the matter? Is something in your eye?

Well, that old attraction is still there.

Oh, welcome to the fight of the week.

I can see it now.

In this corner, a man wearing shorts;

in this corner, a woman fully clothed.

Oh, no.

No, mister, I never beg.

Why should we fight?

I'm not going to push it. You think I'm dumb?

I'll sense her attitude and then I'll act accordingly.

Yeah, but Felix, you've got to play it cool.

Believe me, I'm cool.

I'm a cool cat, I am.

There she is! A cool, cool cat. Cool, cool.

Cool cat.

Hi, Gloria. Hi, Felix.

Oh... Flowers and... Oh, Felix, did you?

Last-minute thought.

Oh... Oscar. Hi, Gloria.

I hope this isn't going to inconvenience you.

Are you kidding?

I insisted. Where are the kids?

Oh, they couldn't come. Aw, what a shame.

Boy, this is heavy.

Well, you know me. I always over-pack.

Yes, you always do and I've told you about it...

Cool cat, cool.

Better safe than sorry, yes.

Why don't I go and unpack?

Remember this luggage? I got it for our honeymoon.

This honeymoon, remember? Uh-huh.

Before we had these two beautiful children.

Look, look.

Oh, who got married?

We did. Remember?

Two love-crazed kids?

Gloria, I...

I'd like you to stay in my room.

Oh, thank you, Felix.

That's so nice of you to sleep on the couch.

What did I tell you, huh?

She's still crazy about me, you see?

That old attraction is still there. Yeah.

What are you staring at?

Just 'cause she wouldn't kiss me when I came to the door?

Oh, that, that's corny.

She doesn't do that.

Because she didn't remember the sign?

Who remembers their honeymoon?

You mean 'cause she said I should sleep on the couch?

Sex isn't everything.

Morning! Good morning!

Have breakfast ready in a minute.

Gloria already made breakfast. Ahh!

Nice, nice!

Up and at 'em, huh?

Orange juice, eggs...

Act pleasant no matter how it tastes.

What do you mean? It tastes terrific.

Clever, clever, clever.

There she is.

To one girl who always looks beautiful

in the morning, no matter what! Aw...

Felix, what, what is it?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

It's... it's...

Don't pay any attention to me; keep eating.

Did you sleep well?

Oh, fine. How about you?

Mm, snug as a bug all alone in a rug.

Is your juice all right, Oscar?

Oh, great. It's terrific. Very good.

Good, good, good.

Gloria, I was thinking of taking the whole day off today.

Is there anything you'd like to do?

Is something wrong with the toast, Felix?

No, no, it's fine now.

I thought we'd go to the museum. Would you like that?

Oh, a museum sounds nice.

Good, good.

Where are you going, Felix?

Eggs are a little runny. I'll tighten 'em up a bit.

Tighten yours, Oscar?

No, mine are tight enough.

Tight enough.

You put catsup on her eggs?

Do you realize what an insult that is?

Felix, if you don't like the eggs...

How are the kids?

I haven't seen them in so long.

Oh, the kids are just fine.

They're staying with my sister and her husband.

Staying with your sister?

I thought they were going to your parents.

No. Your sister...

Uh, is something wrong, Felix?

No...

If you don't mind them all alone in that drafty house.

Boy, these eggs are good. They're yummy, yummy.

Felix, are you saying that they

shouldn't be staying with my sister?

No, I'm sure you did what you thought was best.

Your sister isn't the neatest person in the world.

Felix, is this going to go on all weekend?

Because if it is, I want no part of it.

All you've done all morning is criticize and re-cook.

Well, excuse me.

I thought I was just showing a normal interest

in my children's welfare, and in my breakfast.

All right, let's not argue.

Who's arguing?

Mmm, mmm, good.

Tight as a drum. Mmm!

Felix, can I talk to you alone

in the kitchen for a minute? Sure.

Honey, Oscar wants to talk to me in the kitchen.

Boy talk.

I love the way you set the table.

I knew it! I don't want to be

in the middle of your marital problems!

What marital...? We're settling everything.

Everything's all right.

Don't worry about it.

Just a minute, Pumpkin.

Oscar loves your breakfast.

What do you mean "settling"?

You can't get past the pits.

Look how she doesn't soak the bowl.

I've told her 10,000 times.

Will you forget about the soaking bowl? Felix!

You're right, Oscar, you're right.

It isn't fair of me to force this on you in your own home.

Here, look.

Here's some money. Go to a hotel.

A single man alone in a hotel?!

The three of us don't belong here together.

I, I know you mean well, Oscar, you do, but...

you just can't help saying the wrong thing, can you?

Me? I didn't...

I didn't say anything about the eggs.

I liked the toast. It's not what you say,

it's what you don't say. What didn't I say?

I know, personally, that the reason I had

to sleep on the couch last night was because of you.

How'd you figure that out?!

Well, you're here, Gloria's a lady...

She was embarrassed.

Everything A-OK in there, Pumpkin?

Good.

Not going great in here, Pumpkin, I'll tell you that.

What about the poker game?

You'll play at the hotel like the big-time players.

Here, go. It's on me.

All right, I'll call you tonight at 7:00.

I'll tell you where we are. No, no, no, I can't play.

Why not? I've got to stay and work things out with Gloria.

I've got to find another poker player?!

Thank you.

Gloria!

Gloria, hold onto your hat.

Oscar's been called away on business.

Come clean the plate and see your picture.

I'm in.

I'm in. I see. What do you got?

I got this. "This"?

He's got "this." A full house, he's got "this."

Boy, this is fun!

Will you sign here, please?

Thank you very much. Yeah, the tip is on there.

Thank you, Mr. Ogden.

No, Unger, Unger... U-N-G-E-R, Unger.

Remember that.

Yeah... okay... All right...

Hey, kid, don't you ever lose?

This is the first time I ever played.

Where'd you find this guy?

Roger's my new partner.

They like to put the rookie cops

with an experienced man.

I'm teaching him everything I know.

Why don't you teach him everything you know about poker?

Listen, how much are the sandwiches?

Help yourself, Cincinnati Kid.

Oscar, he's from Oregon.

You should've charged him.

That's the only way we're gonna get even.

Deal, Murray, deal, deal.

Five card draw.

Two... two... two... two... two... three...

Murray, I only have the room for the weekend.

I've only got two hands.

Then use 'em!

Come on, fellas, let's sit down.

Three-dollar ante.

Let's get some good pots in here.

Okay, win some money.

Yeah, you're all in; come on.

There we go.

I pass. Up to you.

I hate to bother you fellas,

but could you give me the order one more time?

What beats what? There's a pair.

There's two pairs, there's three of a kind,

there's a straight, there's a flush,

there's four... That's it!

I got a straight and a flush.

You got a straight and a flush?

He's got a straight flush!

Come in! I can't believe it.

Felix, what happened?

Gloria threw me out.

Gloria threw you out?

What happened?

Well, you know what she did to breakfast this morning.

She tried for a comeback with dinner.

Oh, boy, here we go.

I could have been here sooner, fellas,

but I thought "Why should I impose

all this misery on my friends...?"

And I thought, "Why not?"

Gee, this is just like the last time.

I feel like I'm watching a rerun.

I don't get it. What is he talking about?

The first time Felix's wife threw him out, we were playing cards.

All things are as they were then only...

You are there!

Hey, do you want to sit in and play?

It's still early. No, no, no.

I'd only ruin your game.

Look, I remember how you reacted before.

You're not gonna do anything rash, are you?

Good.

Okay, let's get the game started.

Whose deal is it? It's your deal, Oscar.

Okay, five card draw, jacks to open.

You know something, Oscar?

This has taught me a lesson.

I'm glad it happened. Good.

You may never have noticed, Oscar,

but I used to sing the blues for Gloria.

I noticed, I noticed.

Trying to get even here!

What do you do, Vinnie?

Uh, I'm out. Speed? I'm out.

I'll go for a ride. We could still be friends though, couldn't we?

I'll see your five and I'll raise you five. Couldn't we still be friends?

Sure you can be friends. I'll call your five,

I'll raise you two. She's a wonderful woman, you know...

It'll cost you seven dollars. Seven?

I feel better about it.

I see your five, I raise you... Thank you, Oscar.

Thank you.

I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her.

I'm shy seven...

It's the dawning of a new day!

And a new Felix Unger.

Thank you, Oscar, thank you.

Okay, there's five, I raise you six dollars.

It'll cost you $14.

I'm shy $14.

I see your bet

and I raise you ten.

Okay, there's a ten and I'll raise it another five.

It'll cost you $15.

I'm shy $15.

I see your bet and I raise you ten more.

Busy. Okay, there it is.

Who can she be talking to at this hour? And another six.

Cost you $16.

I'm shy $16.

No skin off my nose.

I see the six... The minute my back is turned!

They're gonna stick to your hands.

See what happened there?

I see your six and I raise you five.

Cost you five dollars.

Costs you five dollars to see the bet.

That man is crying. I know.

It'll cost you five dollars to see the bet. See the bet or what?

Yeah, but it's hard to bet when he's crying like...

He always cries. What are you gonna do?

You gonna see the five? What are you gonna do?

Here's the five dollars. Okay, there you go.

What do you got? I got one of this.

Will you stop crying!

My marriage is breaking up!

Your marriage broke up years ago!

Oscar, I can't take it anymore.

Let's forget the game.

We're not gonna forget the game.

It took me too long to get this game started.

We're gonna move it. Where? Where?

Everyplace we go, he follows us.

Meet up at my apartment.

That's right, Felix.

You're right, baby.

Here, get comfortable.

Yeah, that's just exactly what you... here,

you'll get yourself a little something to drink.

That'll be nice... little refreshment...

Here, here's something to read.

There's nobody,

there's nobody named Gloria in it.

There, it's perfect... You'll be very comfortable.

Are you leaving me here alone?

It's the best thing.

Give you a chance to think things over.

You really think so? I know so!

Now go to sleep. Close your eyes.

Go ahead, enjoy, enjoy.

Okay, fellas, let's go.

Okay, let's get out of here.

Oscar, that blanket belongs to the hotel.

I'll send 'em one of mine.

Murray, Murray, they're stealing the blanket!

Aw, don't worry, kid.

You can't always go by the book.

Go, Murray. I pass.

I pass.

Pass.

I'm sorry, I forgot what it takes to open.

Jacks or better. Jacks or better.

Jacks or better. Oh, I think I can open.

I can see.

Go on. Place your bet.

Red, red, red, red.

Let's go, I'm in.

How many cards? One.

I'll take, uh, one.

Good to decision. How many? Three. - Three.

Three for you. How many?

Oh, do I have to take any?

I think I got a royal house.

A royal house. I'm out.

That's time. Time for what?

Time for Roger to go home.

What happened? What do you mean?

He's got early duty tomorrow

and he's got to get his eight hours sleep.

It says so in the Police Rookie Manual.

Well, you're gonna be here.

You're not gonna get eight hours sleep.

Oh, I sleep in the patrol car.

The kid's gotta drive.

With the money he won tonight, he could hire a chauffeur.

Well, it sure was nice meetin' all you guys.

I hope we can do this again real soon.

Good night, partner. Aw.

Ten-four, Murray.

$40... $50... Isn't he a swell guy?

I'm taking him under my wing.

Why don't you take him under your nose?

We're about to play five card stud here.

Four handed, Oscar? Yeah.

Nobody plays four-handed poker. Come on,

four hand is like "Old Maid" or "Go Fish."

All right, listen, I'll deal myself two hands.

Oscar, this game is cursed! Forget it!

No, I'm not gonna forget it.

It took me too long to get this game together.

I'm gonna get me a fifth...

Gloria, do you want to play poker?

It's a hot seat.

Oh, I don't know how to play poker.

We'll let you cheat.

Oh... No.

Why don't you call Felix?

Hello, Oscar.

I'm fine, thank you.

How are you?

Good.

Poker?

Why, yes, I'd love to.

Good. I'll be right over.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Got it, Murray?

Go fish!

I bet you didn't get it.

I bet you didn't get it.

I'm gonna go find Felix.

He's probably at the hotel.

You know what happened?

He probably fell asleep there and I'm gonna go get him...

Felix, what are you doing out here?

I couldn't find my key.

What key? Come on in.

Here he is, fellas. Deal the cards.

Let's go.

Fellas, let's get down.

Three-dollar ante. Hello, Gloria.

You planning a little trip?

Yes, Andrea is picking me up.

Aw, that's nice.

Andrea's very nice.

Had some bad breaks but she's very nice.

Felix, I'm sorry.

I think it's better this way.

That's all right.

I'm not upset.

I'm going to play poker with my friends.

Okay, five card draw, jacks or better.

I already anted for you.

Right.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Felix. Hi, Felix.

Hi, Felix.

Okay, Felix, can you open?

Well, let's see.

Isn't that interesting?

What?

Jacks have long hair.

Yeah.

That's one thing you can't say about the tens.

That's true.

"The Queen of Hearts,

"she baked some tarts,

all on a summer's day."

Felix... can you open?

Right.

Cost you a blue chip. I'm in.

I'm in.

How many cards?

I have five!

We all do.

Felix, how many cards do you want?

Uh... two.

Two. Here you go.

That leaves three.

Discard the two, please.

Good-bye, cards.

How many? Uh, three.

Three. How many? Three.

Three.

Two. Two.

And two for the dealer.

Here we go.

Okay, Felix, what do you do?

Hmm? What do you do?

Ah!

Cost you $28.00.

I'm out. SPEED: Out.

I'm out.

I'll see.

What do you got?

Three queens.

Felix, you don't have three queens.

Two queens.

You don't have any queens.

Two effeminate nines?

Felix, I win.

What's the matter with you?

I want some tarts.

Oh, boy, you're drunk.

I am not!

I never get drunk!

You're drunk!

I am not drunk.

Hey, I got some balloons in the car.

Want me to go down and get 'em?

That won't be necessary, Officer.

I'm always nervous the first hand.

Is it my deal? Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm shuffling.

I'm going to deal.

Here comes the card train.

Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo,

choo, choo, choo, choo,

choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.

Ah, Felix!

Aah! Aah!

Okay, forget it, Oscar.

It's not worth it.

What a miserable reunion.

You know, we ought to do this more often.

Oscar! Yeah?

Deal me out!

And I had a royal house.

Oh, Oscar, I'm sorry I ruined your poker game.

It's all my fault.

Oh, it is not your fault.

It's him.

As Winston Churchill said,

"Never has one man done so little for so many."

He just tries too hard.

Your taxi.

Good-bye, Oscar. Bye.

Thanks for everything

and make sure you tell Felix good-bye

when he comes around.

Gloria!

Where's Gloria?

She's gone.

Oh, good.

I wouldn't want her to see me like this.

She must hate me.

She doesn't hate you, Felix.

My hair feels funny.

It's not your hair.

You shouldn't try to patch up your marriage

in two days.

I really blew it, didn't I?

Sure did.

It could've been a great poker game.

Oh, your poker game.

Aw.

I promised I wouldn't ruin it, didn't I.

You promised something else, remember?

What?

This.

Bon appétit. Ugh!