Original subtitles

Oh, Felix, you're not going to believe this.

Do you know what happened? What?

Do you know what happened?

You know what my paper did to me?

They switched my Wednesday column to Tuesday,

which used to be my day off.

Huh?

And now Wednesday's my day off, which does me no good at all.

Huh? I can't hear you.

Will you shut the thing off and stop saying what?

I have to get a column off by tomorrow.

I haven't got one word written yet.

First time I've seen

a man and a room self-destruct in five seconds.

You leave clothing

the way Hansel and Gretel left gingerbread crumbs.

What am I going to do with you?

You're going to leave me alone so I can write this column.

Sure, write.

More crumpled papers all over my room.

It's like living with a parade.

You know how I am when I have to meet a deadline.

Yeah, I know. However...

What? Will you hold your however till I finish the column?

I think I can bat it out if I get a roll on it, okay?

Oscar.

What?

Oscar!

Felix!

Remember last week's poker game?

You might find a scorpion in your wheat germ.

Remember how despondent Murray was

because he'd had a fight with his wife?

He didn't touch his knockwurst.

Look at this... the soap opera about Murray and his knockwurst.

I got a column I got to get out here!

They broke up. Murray and Mimi split?

He left home this morning.

Oh, that is too bad.

You know what? We'll take him out to dinner.

We'll cheer him up as soon as I finish the column, okay?

But let me get it out.

Look at what I just wrote.

"Felix is staring."

What is it?

One more thing about Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

Can I borrow your toothpaste?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

No, he wants to be with his friends at a time like this.

Oscar, have you forgotten what it's like

when your marriage went bye-bye?

The best part of my marriage was the bye-bye.

Murray, please, you're welcome to stay.

I'm sorry you have problems and everything,

but just excuse me for a little while, okay?

I'll make the bed, Murray.

What bed? It's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Murray's on the midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift.

It's my bedtime. Yeah, but this isn't your bed place.

Felix, I got to work out here.

Let him sleep in my room.

He's been punished enough!

You go work in your room.

You know I always fall asleep at my typewriter when I do that.

This is an emergency.

His wife kicked him out.

She thinks he's carrying on with another woman.

Can you imagine?

You with another woman?

Of course not!

Well, why didn't you straighten her out, then?

Because I am involved, but not the way Mimi thinks.

You see, I got assigned to protect a public figure.

And out of gratitude, she gave me her picture.

"To my favorite fuzz.

"Love, Chi-Chi Rita Caballero,

Captain of the Jersey City Jammers."

Your wife thinks you're involved with a roller-skating queen?

She found skates under my bed.

Well, couldn't you prove they were yours?

How? Chi-Chi and I wear the same size.

Mimi said it was either Chi-Chi or her.

And I couldn't let her dictate to me.

Not when it comes to police work.

I just couldn't...

Aw, Murray, you did the right thing.

We... We all understand that.

Murray, look. Look what I've got you.

I got a nice pillow for you, you see?

It's fluffy, and this isn't filled with down plucked

from the body of some murdered duck.

This is foam rubber.

It will allow for the indentation of your head

and nose and other parts of your face.

It's nice.

See? OSCAR: Okay.

What's the matter? Something wrong?

Well, evidently I'm out of step.

It's 3:00 o'clock in the afternoon.

I'm not wearing my jammies.

I'm going to take my typewriter,

I'm going to put it on a murdered duck pillow

and finish my column.

Felix, maybe I better go live somewhere else.

There's a nice little hotel by the river.

No. No river.

Now, Oscar's just as glad as I am to have you here.

He just expresses himself badly.

Felix, I miss Mimi so much.

Aw, come on... you big lug.

Let's see that brave Murray smile.

Come on.

Well, we'll work on it. Come on.

Did you ask Murray how long he's going to stay?

Indefinitely, or until Mimi comes to her senses.

I'm going to call her. No!

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a week.

He's driving me nuts.

I don't know why. I do all the work.

Felix, I've been here a whole week,

and this is the best breakfast ever.

It's only been a week?

Breakfast, 11:30 at night.

Aw, gee, it's really nice of you fellas.

It's almost like having breakfast with Mimi.

Breakfast was our favorite meal.

Come on, hold on, hold on. You're doing so beautifully.

All right, Oscar, give him a question from the sergeant's quiz.

- I want to go to bed! - It's... Come on.

"How close is a car allowed to park near a fire hydrant?"

Gee, that's a toughie.

Mimi and I didn't get that far yet.

How long you been working on it?

Well, next month makes 11 years.

That's it.

All that time, Mimi and me studied...

From arson to zip guns.

It was wonderful!

Steady, man, steady, come on.

Don't look back.

You got to face the future with confidence. Come on.

Off to work we go.

Here we go, Officer Greshler.

Our guardian, protector of the city.

There we are.

Doesn't he look nice?

A real policeman.

Your hat fits like a glove.

Doesn't he look nice, Oscar?

Take off.

Thanks, Felix.

Right now...

Chi-Chi's waiting for me to escort her safely

from the roller rink.

As a duly authorized officer of the law,

I must not shirk my responsibilities.

I bid you good day, gentlemen.

Hey, Columbo.

You forgot something.

Just like Mimi used to...

Gee, it's so nice and shiny.

I cleaned the gun and changed the bullets.

Thanks, Felix.

I'll see you later.

Keep smiling!

There goes one of New York's finest.

Yeah, if you like blubber in blue.

I'm telling you something, Felix...

He goes out!

Oh, come on... That's it!

Oh, Oscar, have a heart.

And I'm going to bed.

Oscar, how can you desert Murray in his hour of need?

His hour of need always comes in the middle of the night.

But if... if we throw him out

right after his wife has thrown him out,

he'll be horribly humiliated.

Murray likes to be humiliated. Oh...

That's why he became a cop. Oh, Oscar.

Felix, another week of midnight breakfasts,

you on suicide patrol,

I'll be making ashtrays under medical supervision.

Now, this apartment was not meant for three.

This apartment was not meant for two,

but that's already a whole different story.

Oh, boy, are you abusive when you're sleepy.

What am I supposed to do?

All day, I have to tiptoe around because Murray is sleeping.

At night, I can't sleep because Murray's awake.

It's like living with an owl.

You just took your socks off.

What are you doing?

Putting on a fresh pair for tomorrow.

And you... you're always there making lunch for him, 4:00 in the morning.

You think I like to get up at 4:00 in the morning and make lunch?

He was so appreciative the first time I did it, poor guy,

I just don't have the heart to stop.

Yeah, but Felix, how long is it going to go on?

I never know what time of the day it is.

I went out to cover a hockey game at 9:00 in the morning.

Even the puck was asleep.

Oh, I'm sick and tired

of watching Captain Kangaroo and then going to bed.

Slow down.

It's good for you. I hate it.

Then why did you get up this morning?

Who got up?

With Murray and his cockamamie hours, who sleeps?

His schedule's no worse than a doctor's.

Throw him out and find a doctor who's having trouble at home.

At least he'll be there to make house calls.

I don't know, Felix.

I just don't think I got artistic ability.

Oh, come on now.

That's defeatist talk again, Murray.

And from a constable.

Let me see what you've got here.

That's a banana.

Now, that would say, "I am a banana"

to anyone who looked at it.

♪ The sun in the morning and the moon at night... ♪ Oscar! Murray...

Hi, Murray. MURRAY: Hi.

Show Oscar what you drew. It's your nose.

It's a banana.

Same difference. Go wash your hands.

Why? 'Cause they're yellow.

Go wash your hands. No, they're not.

Will you go wash your hands?

I want to talk to Felix behind your back.

You want me to leave the room. Yes, Van Gogh.

Would you paint another banana or an apple

or your chin or something?

You don't mind, do you?

Of course not. Who am I to mind?

What? What, what?

I went to see Mimi, and I convinced her to come here.

She'll be here any minute. Will she take him back?

I don't know, she didn't say for sure,

but I think the minute she sees him,

everything's going to fall into place.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, let's pray!

Yeah, and I got really good news. What?

Who do you think gave me these?

Two tiny winos?

Two Swedish stewardesses.

Remember?

Yes! I made a date with them for Saturday night.

Now you know why Murray has to go back with Mimi.

And... let's face it...

Murray should be back with Mimi, right?

Absolutely.

Let me handle this.

Murray!

What are you going to do?

Let me handle this.

Murray, come here. I want to talk to you.

Yeah, what?

Sit down, Murray.

Over there?

Yes, right there.

Murray... marriage...

marriage... is a beautiful thing.

It is the union... of two people...

Tell him, not me.

Based on devotion and understanding.

It's a union in which each member...

cares more for the welfare of the other...

than he cares for himself.

Such a union, Murray, is strong.

Yeah, like the Teamsters.

What God hath joined together,

let no man tear asunder.

Amen. Amen.

Murray, you and Mimi, after 18 years...

you got too much going for you to just throw it away.

Murray, Mimi is right outside that door.

What?! Who?!

Hi, Mimi.

Hello, Murray.

It's nice to see you.

It's nice to see you, too, Mimi.

Isn't this nice?

Nice? It's beautiful. It's just beautiful.

Murray, I have something to say.

She's got something to say.

Listen very carefully, huh? What is it?

Murray, I want you to come home.

Aw... You mean it?

Does she mean it? Don't you hear the pitter-patter FELIX: Oh...

of her heart? Of course she means it. Oh, you'll be happy. Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait!

This is a joyous occasion!

Let's revel in the moment!

But I think they'd rather revel by themselves. Go...

No, no, this calls for a celebration!

Mimi, Murray, oh, you two wonderful, beautiful people.

Mimi, Murray... oh!

Believe me, I know what's in your hearts.

Oh, Mimi, you're such a wonderful person!

I have a feeling that everything... Mimi?

I know that I can count on you...

to make yourself into the kind of wife...

that Murray needs.

Well... I know that...

you will not make the same mistakes again.

Felix!

What do you mean?

Sit down. Mimi...

Sweetheart...

if you can't recognize a few problems...

if you're not willing to make a few changes in yourself...

then you're doomed to failure.

I'll handle this, Murray.

Mimi, this man came to us

a pathetic, broken toy.

Somebody... had broken his spirit.

He had no pride.

He had no confidence.

He had no personality.

That's what you left me to work with, Mimi.

Look at him now.

Hmm? After one week, he has poise.

He has confidence.

He can draw a banana.

I'll handle this.

Mimi... Don't just sit there, Murray.

Take out your gun and shoot him.

Your function now must be

to build him up, to increase his self-respect.

Mimi, darling, this is crucial!

You've got to do better.

Murray, say something!

Mimi, how come you never got up at 4:00 a.m.

and made my lunch like Felix does?

Because I'm not a compulsive neurotic

like Felix.

I don't have to sit in my own home and listen to this.

Come on, Murray, let's go.

I'm not going, Mimi.

What? I'm understood here.

I belong here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Tell Murray when he wants to come home to let me know.

Nice seeing you, Mimi.

Good-bye, Dear Abby.

Who would have believed

the repressed hostility in that woman?

What are you doing?

Saving your life!

It's 4:00 in the morning.

What are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing at 4:00 in the morning?

I'm making Murray's lunch.

Second question: why are you still living here?

You think that's witty, Oscar?

At 4:00 in the morning you're going to have to settle for surly.

Nobody said you had to get up at 4:00 in the morning!

How could I sleep with Murray singing in the bathroom?

Murray singing?

19 choruses of "I Feel Pretty."

But you see, that's wonderful.

He's expressing his independence, his manhood.

Now, I'll help him with that.

Felix, don't you understand?

You're creating a monster. Nosenstein!

Oh, boys!

Well, at least somebody is cheery this morning.

You know, I sing all the time now.

These last couple days have made a new man out of me.

I still don't even think about going back to Mimi.

I do.

Oh, Felix, I won't have time to eat my lunch.

Just put it in a bag, will you?

Beef stroganoff in a bag?

Oh. Well, I'll just pick up a hot dog

on the way; don't worry.

Oscar?

What? Got mushrooms in it?

Yeah. Oh.

Hey, you know something?

This apartment is just too small for three swinging bachelors.

I think I'm going to start looking around

for a bigger place.

Hey, rest up, you guys.

Tonight is Saturday night,

and I know you got something wild planned for us.

Look out, world!

Murray Greshler's coming through!

And nothing can stop me now!

Ciao!

I know.

I've got to destroy Nosenstein.

Okay, yeah, see you later.

Yeah, bye-bye.

I don't believe I just postponed a date

with two long, lean Swedish legs

for one big, fat cop.

I just hope this works.

It will.

Do you think we can fool him?

Are you kidding? Anything fools Murray.

Last year, five criminals got away from him

by yelling, "Hey, your shoe's untied!"

Hey! Hi, guys.

Hey, Murray, your shoe's untied.

It's gonna work.

Hey, we got something big in the works?

Yeah, come on. Sit down.

Play Parcheesi with us. You can have brown.

Yeah, grab a chair, we'll have cocoa soon.

Cocoa? Yeah.

I put a sprig of cinnamon in it for tang.

It keeps your anxiety in abeyance.

Hey! Boxcars!

What am I? Where am I?

Blue, blue, blue.

Come on, bones, do your stuff.

Five, six, seven, eight... Hey, Oscar, Felix.

This is Saturday night.

Were supposed to have dates!

You know, kicks, fun.

Oh, fun.

He wonders why we're not having fun.

You're looking at a very depressed man.

He usually...

He puts up a good front, but...

I don't know, something happens to a man

when he hasn't had a date in six months.

Ah, girls who go out with divorced men,

they don't want a meaningful relationship.

They're only out for what they can get.

Six months... but you go out, Oscar.

I've always seen you with great knockouts. Ah!

Ah, but where are they now, Murr?

Face it: the swinging single life is a fake.

Come on, grab a chair.

Join the game.

Later we're going to make tiny fudge balls.

The winner gets to lick the spoon.

Guys, I don't want to interrupt your game.

I think I'll just go out and...

maybe walk my old beat.

Well, if you come in after 10:00,

try to hold it down, will you? We'll be sleeping.

Ciao.

Nine.

The girls are waiting. Let's get dressed!

Come on, Felix. We won't wait for a cab.

We'll run across town.

Oscar, Felix.

Nobody should be alone on Saturday night.

Were you guys going somewhere?

No, no. No, no, I just...

we were going down to the laundry room.

Hey! Guess what old Murr has done for you boys.

What? You didn't have dates.

I got you dates!

Hold it, girls.

Gentlemen, may I present

the captain of the Jersey City Jammers,

Miss Chi-Chi Caballero! Hi, boys.

Boom-Boom O'Brian and Lulu LaVerne!

Nice to meet you!

Likewise, I'm sure.

Hey, they had a good hour between games,

so I thought maybe we'll have a little fun.

What are we going to do?

Well, we could ask them to fix our car.

Hey, who wants to butt heads?

No, let's not.

I've got a headache. Let's arm wrestle.

Look, we got a problem here.

Even if we wanted to go out with these girls,

which we don't, we can't, we have a date.

Remember? Yeah, so I know what.

What? You tell them.

Hey, Felix, honey,

you got anything to wet my whistle?

I'm as dry as a rusty nail.

Oh, hey! Hey, beer!

Huh! Whoo!

Old faithful, thanks.

She seems to be your kind of person.

So she has one good habit.

Felix, we got problems.

Look, we have a date with the girls, right?

Here's what we'll do: we take these girls out.

Now, when they have to go to work, we'll split,

then we'll pick up the other girls, okay? Good, good, good.

One thing. What?

I'm not taking the plain one.

The plain one?

Which one is the plain one?

Murray's the prettiest one out there.

Are you ready to go, Miss Boom-Boom?

No, honey, you got it wrong.

I'm Lulu, she's Boom-Boom, and that's Chi-Chi.

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Hey! Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Put it together, it sounds like a rhythm!

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Come on! Come on, Oscar.

Head for the rink, girls!

We'll cream those bums from Boston!

Come on, Oscar.

Let's not use our right names, okay, Howard?

But, Oscar, it's wrong!

It's wrong! Cut it out.

Do you know what you just did?

You ditched Lulu, Boom-Boom and Chi-Chi

on a New York City street after dark.

Yeah, well, if we're lucky, they won't hurt anybody.

What a night!

And we lost those two Swedish long legs.

Hey, wasn't that exciting?

Did you see the way Chi-Chi

bashed that old skater into the front wall?

Whoom!

That was in the restaurant after the match.

Oh, it was one heck of an evening.

A wild, swinging night on the town! Wow!

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

Lulu, Boom-Boom, Chi-Chi, dum-dum.

How about that guy?

He's got a date with Godzilla's niece,

a riot at the roller rink, and he thinks

he had a good time. Exactly.

He thinks he had a good time.

Didn't he? Oh, of course not.

It is so obvious.

That man is deluding him...

Wait. I'm going to prove something to you.

What are you going to do? Just wait, just wait.

Murray! Murray! Yo!

Come here, Murray, I want to talk to you.

Yeah? Sit down, Murray.

Here? Yes.

Can I sit down over here?

Yeah, of course.

Murray.

I was watching you tonight.

You're a very unhappy man.

I am?

You know how you're fooling yourself?

I've known you a good long time, Murray.

Your place is with Mimi.

Remember the words of Shakespeare.

"This above all: to thine own self be true."

Hamlet, Act One, Polonius to his son, Laertes.

You're right, Felix. You're absolutely right.

I'm going to start packing.

Felix, that was wonderful, a miracle.

How'd you do it?

I am able to communicate my thoughts to others.

Oh! I have that gift.

I've had it all my life.

Really. Now, you see, if I hadn't told him that,

he would have continued to delude himself.

He would have gone on believing he was happy.

He would never have realized and recognized

he belongs with Mimi.

Hi. Mimi, what are you doing here?

Murray called me from some restaurant.

He said deep down he really wasn't having

a very good time being a swinging bachelor.

I should come pick him up.

He's packing, go in and help him, darling.

Murray!

Erase all that, erase what you said before.

I guessed... Uh-huh.

That that's what he had done.

I did!

But I didn't have the courage to say what I had guessed.

You see, my problem is...

I lack confidence.

Felix, aren't you deluding yourself when you say,

"I think I enjoy living with Oscar"?

Remember Macbeth, Act Two, Scene One,

Macduff to Macbeth?

Those immortal words, "Why don't you move out?"