Original subtitles

We've got to finish this before Oscar comes back.

Want some more Chinese food, Felix?

No, thank you, Murray.

Miriam, how about an egg roll or some fried noodles?

No, thank you, Murray.

There.

Look at that.

We did it.

Looks great, huh?

Hmm. Yeah.

Better check to see if Oscar's coming. Right.

What do you think, Murray, what do you think?

I may be crazy, but I think it's swell.

Oh, I think I see... Yes, he's getting out of a taxi.

Let's get all this junk into the kitchen.

Easy does it. Easy.

What do you want me to do?

Check for hairs.

What kind... What kind of hairs?

Brush hairs.

Where? Everywhere.

Hair, hair, hair... everywhere, hair...

I'll get that, yeah. Hair, there, there, everywhere.

Hair, hair... Murray, stand over there.

I'm just dying to see his face.

Shh, shh, shh.

What is it?

Hair.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Oscar. Hey, Oscar.

Hey, look at that.

I didn't know you wore glasses.

You look cute.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm so sorry he didn't notice your walls.

He was distracted by your glasses.

It's all right. He's tired.

He'll see it later.

Thanks a lot you guys.

I never could have done it without you two.

We broke a world's record.

We'll see you tomorrow. Terrific.

Hey, listen, let me know if he finds any hairs.

Oh, Felix, wait till you hear the great idea I got tonight.

I'm going to make a fortune.

Notice anything different?

Yeah. Murray and Miriam are gone.

Anyway, listen, at tonight's game a ball

bounced off Harry Benson's head and went into the wrong basket.

It was funny, but it was also embarrassing.

I'm going to collect all these anecdotes...

Put in a book called The Most Embarrassing Moment in Sports.

No one's ever thought of it before. I'll make a fortune.

I'll give you a hint.

He wasn't listening.

There's something different in this room.

It smells different.

That's very good. Very good.

What does it smell like?

Chinese turpentine.

Yes, yes.

Do you see anything different?

Yeah, there's a little brown tear in your left eye.

It's not brown.

What is it?

Look around you.

I painted the whole room.

Oh, yeah.

It's flaming peach.

What color was it before?

Spanish mildew.

I liked it.

But you like this a lot better, don't you?

It's nice.

So you agree... we need all new furniture.

What?

I did a job today for a furniture maker.

He's going to give me anything I... No!

How can you say "no" just like that? "No!"

Because I'm happy with the furniture I've got,

I don't want to be bothered.

I don't have any money for furniture.

This junk doesn't match.

You're not going to be bothered at all

and it's not going to cost you a red penny.

I've got a plan.

I don't have time for your plans.

I want to finish the book while I'm hot, buddy.

Part of my plan is to keep you out of the plan.

I'm going to do everything,

so you'll have time to finish your book.

Trust me.

I don't know... Look, look, look.

When Blanche and you split up,

what was the one thing she didn't fight you for?

Aw... The furniture, right?

You won't bother me?

I painted this whole room without bothering you.

It won't cost me a cent?

I'm going to sell the old furniture to buy new.

You won't touch anything in my room?

Have I ever?

You won't be sor... Ah!

It's getting nippy out there.

What did you have to go out for?

I wanted to get the early edition of tomorrow's paper.

Our ad's in it.

Our ad?

To sell this furniture.

Here it is... Hot off the presses.

Boy, we're going to have a crowd here tomorrow.

Better check on my brownies.

I'm making brownies for the sale.

It's after 12:00.

Yes, may I help you?

We're here for the rummage sale.

No, that's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, today. It's in the paper already.

Yeah, we get the early edition as soon as it comes out

so we get first crack at everything.

That's how I got my dog. If you're not first

in New York, you're last.

Hi, Mister.

Felix... Let me handle it.

Ladies, my friend here has a great deal of work to do,

so the sale starts tomorrow.

It's already tomorrow... It's past midnight.

Oh please, Mister, I came all the way from Larchmont.

I need an end table badly.

Excuse me.

Felix, why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?

I promised I wasn't going to bother you.

Well, you broke your promise.

All right, the lady came all the way from Larchmont.

What am I going to do?

Pretend we're not here.

Go back to work. You won't know we're here.

Let me hear the clatter of...

Oh, look at that...

Wait a minute. I saw it first.

Get these women out of here. How can I now?

Yesterday, you got the one... It's my pillow!

Well, tell 'em the store's closed, you gotta take inventory.

I don't care what you tell 'em.

Ladies, the store is closed.

We've got to take inventory.

How much are the pillows? I'll take all five.

They're five for $25.

I'll give you $15 for any three, including this one.

You can have any three...

you can have anything you want tomorrow.

The sale is tomorrow.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Last one out is a rotten egg.

I'll be here first thing in the morning.

Come on, ladies. Here we go.

I got cash. Don't take a check.

I got cash... The sale is tomorrow.

I'm looking for a desk.

You got a desk.

Great.

How much... how much is it?

Too much. You can't afford it.

The sale is tomorrow. $50.

Impossible.

My friend is writing a very important... $75.

Out of the question, Mister, I'm sorry... $100.

It's yours.

Can you move?

Move? What're you doing?

He's giving us twice what it's worth.

This is a classic piece, Mister.

Give me a hand and get this downstairs

and I'll give each one of you a buck.

That's the deal.

Meantime, you can use the bridge table to work.

Bridge table?

I can use... I'll give you $15.00.

It's yours.

Boy, did we take him.

Oscar.

Yeah.

Breakfast.

Forget breakfast, will you?

I'll grab an egg at the corner.

No one in this house eats at a greasy spoon.

I made your favorite, eggs and waffles.

There you are.

See? It's like camping out, isn't it?

There you go.

It's nice and airy in here, isn't it?

No wonder you're so bubbly and happy.

The place is finally neat enough for you.

I just gave them a coat of shellac.

Don't sit on the steps.

How am I supposed to eat?

What do you do at a cocktail party?

Juggle it.

Mm, this is good.

Here, hold on for a second, will you?

How am I supposed to eat?

Like you do at a cocktail party.

Juggle it.

Felix, this is ridiculous.

Come on. We gotta get some furniture.

Something we can sit on here.

I promise you by tonight we'll have something to sit on.

Oh, this is silly. I can't eat like that.

Here, come on, come on.

Put it on top of my food. What are you doing?

I'm going to work. Don't step on the steps.

Interview with Bubba Smith of the Baltimore Colts

for The Most Embarrassing Moment book.

I've only got ten minutes.

I've got to do a candy commercial with my mother.

Myrna, I want you to wait outside.

I don't want anybody to come in here for ten minutes.

Hold that line, right?

Okay, Bubba, now, what was your most embarrassing moment?

When my parents named me Bubba.

No.

What was your most embarrassing moment in your football career?

Come on, Oscar, you know I can't tell you that.

Sure you can.

That's what the book is about.

It's a lot of funny stories.

Okay. I've got a great one. Let's hear it.

This is gonna kill you.

Hello. Anybody home?

What happened to Myrna?

She's outside making sure nobody comes in.

This'll just take a second.

Hi. I'm Felix Unger.

This is Bubba Smith, a football player who's in a hurry.

Yes.

Hello, Mr. Smith.

Just call me Bubba.

Bubba... Booby.

This will just take a minute.

I got some marvelous swatches for our drapes

and I wanted your approval.

I don't have time now, Felix.

Tell me, do you like these?

Yes, I've tackled that color before.

Felix, will you...?

Is this the color of your drapes?

No, no, this is the one I'm going to use for my drapes.

I think this will go with my walls better.

What color are your walls?

Flaming peach. Very good.

That'll go perfect with your walls. Yeah, I think so.

Tell me,

what do you think of this?

Ah, that will go great in your kitchen.

Do you have a formal dining area?

No, no I don't. Do you?

Yeah.

I just did mine in blue and white, trimmed in gold.

Looks great and the chicks love it.

Ah.

Tell me, what-what period is your apartment?

French Provincial.

Oh, you see, ours is contemporary.

Gee, fellows, I kinda hate to break it up,

but Bubba's in a hurry... will you?

I'm sorry. He's giving me so much help.

Hey, I've really gotta go, Oscar. Really.

But I do want to say you gotta a hip interior decorator here.

All right. Nice to meet you.

Right.

So long, Bubba.

Nice little guy.

I'm sorry I busted in like that,

but I didn't want to do anything without your approval.

I'm glad you like this 'cause this is what I put up.

What are you so mad about?

You wanna know what I'm mad about?

Come, listen to my interview for the book. Here.

What do you think of this?

Ah, that will go great in your kitchen.

Do you have a formal dining area?

Do you?

Yeah, I just did mine in blue and white, trimmed in gold.

I've got a nice voice, haven't I?

Can I look now?

No, no, no, no.

Down two steps. Two steps.

Felix, I feel like I'm being kidnapped.

You know I hate surprises.

Yeah, but you're going to love this one.

Oscar Madison, you wanted something to sit in...

Here you are!

What is it?

Well, what does it look like?

It looks like Bubba Smith's hand.

I want you to tell me what it is.

It's a chair... in the shape of a hand.

A left hand, to be exact.

And this, I suppose, is the right hand.

Aren't they super?

No. I send you out for some chairs.

You come back with a couple of hands.

But they're... they're just like ordinary chairs.

Sit down.

But they're hands.

I feel like an M&M.

Aren't you comfortable? No.

Try this chair.

I can sit anywhere.

I'm ambidextrous.

Oscar, these are going to be the rage of the future.

And you can't believe what I paid for them.

40 cents?

Stop kidding.

$200.

$200?

$200! Felix, that's $20 a finger!

Are you crazy?

These are thousand dollar hands!

Where's the rest of the stuff?

Well, look! Look at our lovely new drapes.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Now all these people can't look in

and see we're sitting in hands.

Oscar, when you decorate an apartment,

you're creating a new environment.

You don't just throw everything in.

You buy one piece at a time.

We'll live with the chairs a couple of days,

then we'll say to a chair,

"What would you like around you?"

And it'll say "gloves."

You don't like them 'cause you don't see

what's going to be around them.

Felix, I see nothing around them!

Yes, but there's going to be something here,

there's going to be something there,

there's going to be something...

Whoa, whoa. Over there.

I want you to say something about over there.

Nothing. That's the contemporary style.

Nothing here.

Simple, uncluttered space.

You want space, move to Utah!

I want clutter, and I want it soon!

Listen, when he asks you what you want,

you tell him you want a table for you and your brother,

and a desk for your Uncle Oscar.

And, if you don't get it,

there's gonna be plenty empty space

where he used to live!

Don't be upset.

Miriam, the furniture arrived early this morning.

Oscar doesn't know it's here.

Yes. He'll love it. He'll love it. Felix!

I'll call you back in a little while, honey.

I had a bad dream!

I dreamt I sat in the hand, and it made a fist.

It's breeding!

Felix, what is this? I'm still having a nightmare.

Come on, what is this?

This is the stuff you asked for yesterday.

Your new table, your new desk, your new lamp.

Isn't it all neat?

Have your orange juice.

It's on the breakfast table.

That's a breakfast table?

Of course.

Not "of course."

It was my fourth choice.

Come on. Meet your new roommates.

Oscar, this is your new chair.

This is my chair?

Yes. Got it just for you.

See? It's shaped like a potato chip.

Isn't this an inventive tree?

It's a conversation piece.

Tell it to shut up.

Look.

That's my desk?

Yeah. Just for you.

What am I, David Copperfield?

Sit down.

Felix, what is this?

I'm a writer, not a diamond cutter.

I can't work here.

Oscar, learn to accept new ideas.

Open your mind.

Where is it written that a desk

must be an enormous wooden object with drawers?

Give these things a chance.

You'll love them.

I don't have time to argue.

I gotta get some work done. What time is it?

I'm glad you asked me that.

Let's go take a look at the clock.

That's a clock?

What else?

Could be a bunch of Peeping Toms.

What time does it say?

9:35, of course.

How can you tell?

It's easy. Hours on this side, minutes on this side.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

10, 20, 30.

The red dot is five.

9:35.

9:36.

By the time you figure it out, you're late for work.

Hi, Mr. Unger. Hi, Mr. Madison. Myrna.

Are those copies of the interviews?

Yeah, I...

I got some more funny stories for you to type up.

Look. What do you think?

Is this what they mean by "future shock"?

Sit down, sit down.

Can I sit in it? Of course.

You can take it home if you want to.

Now we'll get an objective opinion.

How do you feel?

I... I sort of feel like I'm insured by Allstate.

Okay, the tour is over.

The owner of this museum has to go to work

to pay for all this. Good-bye.

Okay. It's really cute, Mr. Unger.

Oh, look at the time. I gotta run. Bye.

♪ ♪

Look at this.

I got a singing tree and a dancing table.

Oh, that's it. Felix! What?

Felix, out here, please. What is it?

That's it. Come here!

Come on. Sit down, Felix. What's wrong?

Just sit down. Not there.

Sit in the chip.

All right, Felix, your decorating days are over.

I send you out for furniture, what do you come back with?

Two hands. Right?

A... a Nobel Prize clock!

A kindergarten chair! A laser beam!

A chrome bush!

You gotta... you gotta understand these things.

Give them time.

I've given them time...

Three red dots and two white ones.

This is my apartment.

We're going to do this my way.

See, I'm going to trade all this stuff in

for couches with arms, see?

I'm going to have a chair with a back,

a lamp with a bulb! The only hands

in this apartment will be on my clock.

Okay, Oscar, about three inches toward me.

Ah! Now about one inch toward you.

Ah, ah, ah!

Now, just a pinch towards me.

Ah, ah! Oh, will you stop that "ahs" and the pinches?!

It's fine just the way it is.

Oscar, you've got some lovely pieces here.

Where did you get them?

From Sam, Sam, the discount man.

I know him.

I arrested him once.

How about it?

It took Felix a week to decorate this place.

I did it like that. Looks pretty good, doesn't it?

Oh, it's groovy!

Oh, Oscar. What?

You're gonna have to rearrange these chairs.

I mean, you got the two purple together,

two green together. It's not right.

You gotta make it boy, girl, boy, girl.

Give me a hand. Move that chair.

Here, move that chair over like that. That's it.

Now, bring it around here. Here. Let me...

Put it there. There.

It's a chicken.

It's a jigsaw puzzle.

"Just hello.

"I'd like to be with you a while

"and hear about the folks,

"I'd like to sit and see you smile

"at the same old jokes,

"but since you are so far away

"I cannot hope to go,

"I'll send along this little token

just to say 'Hello'."

I'm sorry.

Who is it?

Miriam.

Oh, what is it, dear?

Oh, I just came down to say hi.

May I come in?

No. I-I can't say "hi" now. I'm...

Well, why? Is something wrong?

I'm photo... I'm developing some film.

I'll come up to your place later

and say "hi," okay?

Okay.

Why didn't you let her in?

Because I'm ashamed!

Anywhere I look, something offends my senses!

Oscar, it looks as though you...

you got this whole place free with a full tank of gas!

All right, so it's a little wild. A little wild?

Well, it's my apartment!

It's not your apartment! It's our apartment!

But you've been throwing your weight around

as though I didn't even exist!

Well, all right, you didn't like the way I decorated it,

but at least I tried. I made an effort. I cared.

This looks as though you threw it together in an hour!

20 minutes.

20 minutes.

Yep.

Well, Oscar, I'm sure you've heard the expression

in your life, at some time or other,

"The straw that broke the camel's back."

You've tried many ways to get me out of here.

You've tried tricks, you've tried anger,

you've even tried physical expulsion.

You finally succeeded with the old standby... bad taste.

Ratso Rizzo had a cuter apartment.

Look, Felix, I'm willing to admit that I went too far

if you're willing to admit that you went too far.

Maybe I did... I... All I can say, Oscar,

is you and I have different tastes.

I like caviar, you like tuna.

I like champagne, you like beer.

I like beef bourguignon, you like beef jerky.

What are you trying to say?

The stores are open till 9:00 tonight.

Let's compromise.

Let's go out and get something we both can live with!

Okay. Felix?

What are we going to do with this stuff?

Sell it to a fortune-teller.

This furniture is perfect,

but we've got to get it in the right position.

Come on. Bring it towards me.

An inch, an inch, an inch.

No. A little bit more. A little bit more.

Little bit more to your side. Little bit more to your side.

Little bit more on your side, Oscar. Little bit more.

Bring it down. Bring it down. Down towards me.

Of, wait a minute here!

We've been moving this thing for two hours.

We're wearing out the rug.

Just give it a little bit more.

We're nearly there. That's it.

Don't hurt yourself!

You'll help me. Myrna, come on.

Pull back a little bit on your side.

Come on. Here we go. One, two, three.

Come on. Here we go, Myrna.

Give it the old try, Myrna. What do you say?

Here we go! Here we go, Myrna!

Murray, will you help me?

You get down there and help me with this, please?

Murray?

Miriam, you'll help me. Come on. Here we go. One, two...

Come on, Miriam. Come on.

I'll do it myself.

You know something?

I like it.