Original subtitles

Come on, Ma, in between your world tours,

we see each other once in a while.

Let's have some fun. You're right.

But you're really looking for a girl?

Yes, Mom.

And you really want

to get married again? Yes, Ma.

And you have nothing against grandchildren?

No, Ma... Ma, you started this discussion

on the courthouse steps the day I got my divorce.

Will you drop the subject?

All right, the subject

is closed. Good.

More coffee?

Did you ask him if he found a nice girl yet?

The subject is open.

We were just talking about that.

Mrs. Madison, I'm the last guy in the world to nag

or meddle in somebody else's business,

believe me I'm not that kind.

But it breaks my heart to know that this wonderful

son of yours

doesn't have a nice steady girlfriend.

Well, he says he goes out.

Doesn't he date nice girls?

The nicest girl he ever brought up here stole my watch.

Oscar... I, on the other hand,

date a very lovely girl,

lives right in this building, Miriam.

Miriam Welby.

She holds down a very responsible position.

I see my ex-wife from time to time.

Our relationship is amicable.

I wish it were more than that.

I have a full, satisfying life.

Me, too.

You, too, what?

Me, too. On the other hand,

I met a very nice girl I've been seeing.

I don't tell you everything. When? Who?

What? Well, you don't know her,

that's who. Why didn't you tell us?

That's wonderful. When are we going to meet her?

Well, I don't know, Ma. Saturday night.

Saturday, all four of us

will go out. Let's do that.

Let's do that. Come on, call her.

Call her. Call her.

Call her, Chickie.

Chickie...! Chickie...!

Call her.

Make your mother happy.

Call her. Call her, Chickie.

Oh...

Hello, honey? Oscar.

Listen, I was wondering if you were busy

Saturday night. Son-of-a-gun.

Yeah. Well... Ma.

He'll never talk to girls in front of me.

I'll go freshen up.

Oh, isn't it wonderful, Feelie?

Well, my mother's in town.

Yeah, and I was wondering...

How could you have a girl without me knowing about her?

Come on, who is it, huh?

Let me say hello. Let me just talk to her.

Hello? This is Felix Unger.

Oscar Madison's probably told you a million things about...

What?

The correct time is 1:13 and 20 seconds?

That is right.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Chickie, I can't wait to meet your girlfriend Saturday night.

Bye-bye, dear.

Bye-bye, Ma. I'll see you later.

I'd be good and ashamed.

Lying

to a mother who calls you Chickie.

I lied because you backed me into a corner.

Oh, it's my fault?

Yeah.

You're saving used coffee?

Don't help me.

My mother goes on world tours

worrying about me in 26 countries.

Every tour guide in Asia knows I'm not married.

She's trying to help you.

She enrolled me in a Lonely Hearts Club in Istanbul.

Last week in the mail, I got a sheep's head

with "I love you" written along its neck.

So what're you gonna tell her Saturday night

when you don't have a date? Is that gonna make her happy?

I'll find somebody. Who? Who?

I was thinking of Mary.

Mary? With the tattoo?

You know about the tattoo?

She dresses to feature it.

How about Frida?

Oh, good.

Maybe she'll bring my watch back.

Aw, butt out, will you?

It's all your fault.

You're the "call her, call her, call her."

You're right.

I pushed you. I know I did.

I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.

You'll move out?

Let me find you a girl.

Oh, yeah... No, no.

I'll find someone your mother'll be crazy about.

I can do it. I'm a natural-born matchmaker.

All the great matches I predicted:

John and Yoko, Liz and Richard.

I knew it was going to happen.

Give me a girl, I'll give you a guy.

Jane Fonda.

Dom DeLuise.

Dom DeLuise?

Give me a hard one.

Give me a guy, I'll give you a girl.

Oscar Madison.

Raquel Welch.

Hey, you are good at this game.

You see. I know your taste.

She may not be available.

Aw, what am I... No, wait!

I promise you I'll have a girl here.

Well, I wonder where he can be.

Come in, come in, come in.

Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'll bet he's in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He's a wonderful cook.

He's just an all-around guy.

And his cleaning is every bit as good as his cooking.

What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

I'm cleaning the countertop.

On my floor?

What's that terrible odor in here?

Well, you weren't here. I was making supper.

Shh, hold it down, not so loud.

It's not a cake I'm making.

What're you making?

It's a casserole.

We'll talk about it later.

I've got a girl here.

Oh, well, I'll get out of here.

No, no.

She's for you.

Oh, for me? Yeah.

Hey, she's a doll.

She is a lady.

Where'd you pick her up?

I didn't "pick her up" as you so elegantly put it.

I met her. Where?

What does it matter where I met her? I met her.

If it doesn't matter, tell me where.

I met her at the doctor's office.

What has she got?

Oh, come on.

If you don't want to meet her...

No, I do want to meet her, she's cute.

I'm going to introduce you. Now, act like a gentleman.

I will.

Here we are.

I want you to meet

one of the most brilliant, clever, intelligent,

personable guys it's ever been my great good fortune to know.

Hi. Want a beer?

No, thank you.

Sensational sense of humor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Doris Atkins, this is Oscar Madison.

Hello. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I have to go to the movies.

Guess I'll leave you... Where you going?

Just going to get some fruit to take to the show.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

Well, what kind of work do you do?

Oh, I'm a music teacher.

I teach violin and piano.

Isn't that wonderful?

What do you do, Oscar?

Oh, I'm a sports writer.

Oh, that's right. Felix told me.

That... that must be very exciting.

It is exciting.

It's terrifically exciting.

Very exciting.

Tell him about your music education.

Oh, he doesn't want to hear about that.

I certainly do.

Yeah, I certainly do.

Go ahead, tell me. I do want to hear.

Ah, well, I went to school at, uh...

Juillard.

Uh, I studied first violin and...

piano.

What is that sound you make?

I don't know, there must be some dust in here.

Yeah, it's Oscar.

You notice she makes the same sound I do.

No, I didn't notice that.

Listen, have you ever tried this stuff?

The doctor gave me this and it's been terrifically effective.

Oh, no, I just got this yesterday.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

It's almost the same stuff.

I have this, too.

Now, this is for stuffiness

and this is for pain.

For sneezing.

Watch out.

We seem to have a lot in common, don't we?

Yeah.

I bet you wouldn't be interested in seeing my vaporizer?

Yeah, I'd love to.

All right.

I think you'll agree it's a beauty.

I just...

I was just making a gesture of friendship,

that's all it was.

Oscar claims I brought the girl home for myself.

Poor girl was clogged.

I had to do something.

He won't even talk to me now.

He's gone out to a singles bar.

Can you imagine that?

The thing is, I found the perfect girl for him today.

Felix, am I the black or the white?

You're black, Murray.

I just can't seem to get the hang of this game.

You're doing fine. You're doing fine.

Ah, I'm a whiz at Casino and Go Fish.

Don't leave. You're getting hot, Murray.

Ah, I gotta go.

I gotta find my badge.

I left it some place.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Hi, Murray.

I found a badge in the hall.

Thanks.

Aren't you going to ask Oscar

if he found a date for Saturday night?

Oh, yeah, how'd you do?

Did you get a girl for Saturday night?

No, I came up empty.

I'm no good at picking up girls anymore.

It's a whole new world.

Everybody's liberated but me.

Wouldn't it be ironic if our friend, Mr. Madison,

came slithering back, begging me to fix him up with a date?

I gave Mr. Unger a chance.

I ended up at the movies with a bag of fruit.

All right, I made a mistake.

But I learned something from it.

And now, now, I've found the perfect girl for him.

I don't want to hear about it.

But Murray does. Murray, sit down, Murray, listen.

This afternoon, this very afternoon, mind you,

a wonderful Greek family came to my studio.

They wanted to have their portraits made.

In this family, there was a beautiful daughter.

Her name was Helen.

What's that you say?

Yes, just like Helen of Troy.

I didn't say.

A lovely, dark girl with gleaming eyes.

Helena.

Helena.

So I told this wonderful woman of the islands

about my roommate, Oscar.

I can still see the way her warm, moist, eager mouth

formed his name, "Oscar."

Oscar.

They were made for each other,

and his mother would love her, but no.

Through that door on Saturday night

is going to walk a mother who could be made happy

in 26 different countries but for a selfish son.

All right, Felix,

call the girl. What? What is that I hear?

You know what you heard.

I'm hearing a voice. He's talking to me.

Congratulations!

You made a very wise choice.

I'll tell you something.

What?

Your mother is very lucky

that her son has me for a friend.

Yeah, but don't make a definite date for Saturday.

I want to meet her first.

We'll go out for coffee... Leave it to me!

Leave everything in my capable hands.

Well, another job well done...

by your man in blue.

Hey, this isn't my badge.

Some dumb cop lost his badge.

Don't forget, Felix... You introduce me to her,

I take her right out for coffee.

Something like that.

Oh, no, Felix, exactly like that.

Oscar, you just can't grab the girl and leave.

You've got to meet

the entire Damascopolous family.

All right, I'll meet the entire Damascopolous family

then we're out for coffee.

You've gotta talk to them.

You're going to love

sitting and talking with them.

They're Old World people. They're charming.

They're a fun group, believe me!

You're gonna love them.

Hello, Felix.

Oh, Mr. Madison, I recognize you

from the newspapers.

Ah, welcome to my home.

Come in. Come in. Come in. Come in.

This is the famous American sports newspaper writer,

Oscar Madison!

How are you?

Felix, you know everybody, eh?

Kalifari filimou.

Ah, good.

Good Greek, huh?

This is my sainted mother.

How are you?

That's my father.

How do you do, sir?

He's resting.

That's my son, Andreas.

He's a sponge diver.

Sponge diver?

Well, since we moved to New York,

he doesn't work that much,

but maybe you could help him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Most of my friends are in foam rubber.

No, no, no.

He's going to be a wrestler.

He's very strong.

Sit. Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, no, no, no.

One, two, three, go!

One, two, three, go!

You're very strong.

You're gonna be a very good wrestler.

How do you turn this guy off?

And sit down.

Enough.

And that's my jewel.

My lovely daughter Helena.

Very nice to meet you.

Go! Sit!

He likes you.

Beautiful weather we're having, isn't it?

Ah, beautiful.

It's just like in Greece.

Excuse me. I show you something.

Would you like to go out

for some coffee? What out?

We have a nice time here.

That's right.

Home fun is the best fun.

The family album!

Oh! Gather around. Take a chair.

A family album.

Look at this. Ah, nice.

Who's that?

That's Andreas in his playpen.

Ah, you see, Oscar? Yeah.

Tearing the arms off his teddy bear.

Would you like to go out for a walk?

Helena.

Is she going to go get her coat?

No, that's the end of the meeting.

We make first meeting short

to make next meeting longer. Ah...

Very nice meeting you all

and I hope to see you again very soon.

Don't go.

We don't need Helena to enjoy ourselves.

It's a lot better than arm wrestling.

Oscar, look, look.

Here's a picture of the whole family.

Ah, but we start the scrapbooks

from the middle. No, no, no, sit down.

We'll start at the beginning.

Sit down. We'll look at scrapbooks.

Felix, Felix, et'slay amscray.

Ah, look. Look what we have here.

Volume one.

Uh-huh...

The early years. Ah...

Oscar? Yeah.

Where are ya?

Here.

Hey, did you get a date?

Huh?

What does "Ah, ah, ah" mean? I know what it means.

It means you didn't get a date.

Your tie looks adorable.

Great news.

Mr. Damascopolous called me at the studio.

He invited us to his restaurant tonight.

So?

Well, Helen will be there.

You can introduce her to your mother.

How? In pantomime?

I don't even know if the girl can talk.

Felix, my mother knows I'd never go for a girl like that.

Oscar, what's the matter with you?

Come along. The worst thing that could happen

is that you'd have a good time.

Oh, sure, I'll have a great time.

I'll say, "Mom, this is Helen." Her father'll go like that.

Next thing you know I got an old man sleeping on my shoulder.

What are you gonna tell your mother?

I'm gonna tell her the truth, Felix.

I don't have a steady girl. I may never get married.

Hold your voice. She has to face the facts.

No, I'm gonna tell her right now.

Hi, Chickie. Hiya, Mom?

Oh, hi, Felix.

Oh, where are we going tonight with your young lady?

That's what I want to tell you, Mom.

Where is she? I'm dying to meet her.

I was up all night thinking about it.

That's what I want to tell you, Mom.

Go ahead, tell her.

Tell me what?

How would you like to go to a Greek restaurant?

Wonderful!

♪ ♪

Wonderful.

An old American toast:

Bottoms up!

Kolitiki. Kolitiki.

What is that? It's Greek.

It means "good luck" in Greek.

Ah, how nice.

Felix, where's Helen?

We've been here an hour

and my mother thinks I made her up.

Is anything wrong, Mr. Madison?

Well, as a matter...

No, no. We're having a wonderful time.

Thank you.

What's the matter with you?

These are Old World customs.

You don't offend people.

Mr. Madison, your mother is beautiful.

Oh, I just love Greek food. We had it in Hawaii.

Another toast for Mrs. Madison.

Yoshua.

Yoshua.

"Good health."

Oh, how nice!

I have to say two words now to the band.

They are all relatives.

Oscar, where's Helen?

She'll be here, Mom.

Listen, I want to tell you something about her.

Well, what, what?

Well, you know you're used

to seeing me with talkative girls.

She's very shy and very quiet.

Well, quiet is nice.

Quiet is beautiful.

Now we dance.

He dances, too.

Oh, no, no, no!

Come on.

He's asked me to dance.

Go ahead. It's okay.

I saw it in Zorba The Greek.

It's not okay. I saw it in Boys In The Band.

Hey!

Hey, come on! Come on!

Oh!

Are you all right?

No.

I came to meet your girlfriend,

and I've only seen you dance with men.

Oh, we're having a lot of fun.

Mr. Madison, Mrs. Madison, Felix Unger,

I want you to meet my daughter.

Oh, at last.

Everybody, my lovely daughter, Helena!

♪ ♪

Hey!

Oscar, you're a boy belly dancer.

Oh, Mr. Damascopolous, this was so exciting

after I once got used to this.

My name is Aroestes, but you can call me Ari.

Oh, Ari, you're a nice man.

My name is Elizabeth and you can call me Betsy.

Ah, dear lady, Betsy,

you made this evening wonderful.

You sure are nice and quiet,

but not when you dance, and we're gonna dance a lot.

Listen, say my name again, will you?

Oscar.

Yeah.

You want to dance?