Original subtitles

Hey, Felix.

You're home early.

Boy, have I got a surprise for you?

You wiped your feet?

Bigger than that.

I have four of the hottest tickets

for the hottest show on Broadway.

Free tonight!

You've got tickets for Kiss My Face!

Yeah, you said it.

To that crazy musical?

That's fantastic!

How did you do it? Well, see...

People have been waiting a year and a half for tickets to that show.

I got the theatre critic four tickets to the Jets game and he got me these.

Oh, that's sensational!

Miriam's coming down for dinner but this is better.

We'll go to the theater.

What'll I do with my baked noodles?

Put 'em in a bag... we'll take 'em to the theatre.

I'll freeze them.

Oh boy, I love the score to that show.

♪ Kiss my nose ♪

♪ Kiss my toes... ♪

Is that this show?

Oh, yes, don't you love it?

Well, maybe I'll like it better when they do it.

It's getting late.

Who's your date gonna be?

Now, that requires a little thought, doesn't it?

Yeah. Not everybody appreciates an evening in the theater.

You gotta figure who'll get the most out of it, huh?

No, I gotta figure how I can get

the most out of it.

Felix, don't you understand?

This is a sure thing.

These are guaranteed can't miss point scorers.

This is unbelievable.

Unbelievable!

A playwright struggles for two years with his script.

Finally when he's finished his masterpiece,

he slumps over the typewriter exhausted and says,

"Good, now Oscar Madison can score"!

So I can't let him down, huh?

Oscar, it's your life.

When did you give it back to me?

I'm going to go tell Miriam upstairs.

Who you calling, Rhoda?

Rhoda? Are you kidding?

Rhoda's a last resort.

Hello, Phyllis, this is Oscar.

Listen, I just got my hands on tickets

to the hottest show on Broadway, Kiss My Face!

Yeah.

Now, the only one I considered taking was you.

I mean you got the style, you got the class,

you got the dresses...

yeah so you're the only one I would consider taking!

Tonight.

You can't make it?

Oh, don't worry, I'll get somebody else.

Hello, Rhoda?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hello, Rhoda?

Oscar.

Oscar Madison.

How many Oscars do you know?

You know Oscar Homolka?

Wait a minute, listen, Rhoda, I got great tickets tonight

for the hottest show on Broadway, Kiss My Face

and you're the only one I'd consider taking...

Yeah.

Oh, well, can't you postpone it?

Can't you push it back one day?

Oh, sure, okay.

And congratulations, I'm sure you'll make a pretty bride.

Well, that's the whole book.

Now, I'm up to weights and measures.

What are you doing?

Miriam's getting dressed.

Come on, come on, we don't have much time.

Who's your date?

Oh, I'm not sure... you know.

We don't have any time now. Come on, you better get one.

Well, you know, Felix, I'm kind of bored

going out with the same girls all the time.

You know, no spark, no interest.

I want to meet someone new and exciting, you know.

Fine, that's fine, but what about tonight?

Well, I figured I would go alone

and take the extra ticket with me, you know.

Whatever life has in store for me I'll be ready for it.

I'll meet it head-on. You know what I mean?

You couldn't get a date?

What happened to all your prospects?

Well, they couldn't make it.

Either they were sick

or they had something they couldn't get out of.

Aw, I'm sorry. I really am.

What are you going to do now?

Like I said, I'll go alone and I'll take the ticket with me.

What'll you do, turn it in at the box office?

No. Maybe I'll find a girl on the way.

Find a girl?

Yes.

You mean pick up a girl?

What's the matter with you?

Didn't you ever pick up a girl before?

Yes, of course, in occupied France.

So?

So, I don't want you

hanging out of the window of the cab, banging on the door

and saying, "Hey, good lookin', what's cookin'?"

Was that your line? Yeah.

All the other guys said, "hubba-hubba", so I...

Felix, don't worry, I won't do it in front of you and Miriam.

You go to the theater and I'll meet you there.

What's the matter?

You think I can't take a little humiliation

for a friend?

No matter how you plan to make a fool of yourself,

your friend will go with you.

Go get dressed and let's go.

Okay, I'm dressed.

We'll meet you at the theater.

Oh, the overture's about to start.

Wouldn't you know it, he'd keep us waiting?

The only man... Oh, oh, isn't that him across the street?

Where? Where?

Over there.

The one talking to the meter maid.

Aw...

Finally. Finally.

Thank you for the tickets.

It's my pleasure. Let's go.

Well? Well, what?

You're alone. I know I'm alone.

Leave me alone.

What's the matter?

Didn't the meter maid like musicals?

Nope.

Trying to pick up a meter maid.

I didn't try to pick her up.

She nailed me for jaywalking.

What are you going to do with the extra seat?

Keep it between us.

Give it to me. What for?

Give it to me.

I'll distribute it to some needy theatergoer.

You two go in and sit down. Hurry up, Felix.

I'll be right with you.

Come on, to the left.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Are you alone? Yes.

Good, so is... Do you want to see the show?

That's what I'm standing in line for.

I have an extra ticket.

Oh, how much is it?

Well, it's $9.90, I'll give you $15 for it.

You don't understand.

Okay, $20, but that's as high as I go.

No, let me explain.

All right, $25!

$25?

Yes?

Put your money away, Miss.

Now, Miss, would you mind waiting over there?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Okay, buddy, you're comin' with me.

What? What?

I'm going inside to see the show. Oh, no, no, no,

you're going to see the police station.

Now, you have a right to remain silent.

Now if you give up the right... Why? Why?

You think I was trying to pick...

No, no, I'm not a masher.

Yeah, I know.

Now, you have the right to remain silent...

What is this?

Ticket scalping is against the law.

Ticket scalping? I'm not a ticket scalper.

I was trying to get a date for my friend, Oscar Madison.

Who?

Oscar Madison. See, there he is, he'll tell you!

The curtain's going up.

Did you get rid of the ticket yet?

Mm-hmm. Are you Oscar Madison? Yeah.

Is this your ticket? Yeah.

Okay, then the two of you.

Let's go. What is this?

Don't say anything.

You have the right to remain silent.

Oscar, you haven't said a word during this entire fiasco.

Come on.

Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.

Nothing to get off.

It was an accident, you couldn't help it.

I don't blame you.

Isn't that big of you

considering that it was your fault.

What?

If you'd been able to get a date,

this would never have happened.

All right, Felix, that's it.

Put 'em up!

Go ahead, Oscar, hit me, I'm numb.

I stopped feeling pain two hours ago!

The whole evening in the police station.

Look at these hands.

I know, I was there.

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

Riding in a paddy wagon.

And I had to stand all the way downtown.

Nobody told you to offer your seat to that lady.

She'd been on her feet all evening.

You embarrassed me at the police station. How?

By putting your handkerchief over your face

like you were Al Capone.

I was ashamed.

In front of who?

The lady with the tired feet?

Fingerprinted... Like common criminals.

They didn't even give us towels.

I had to wash my hands in the water cooler.

How did you get your hands clean?

I didn't.

A little baby I have to take care of.

Look at that.

Look at that.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

Some over here, too.

It's a waste of time trying to keep this house clean.

No, don't answer it!

It might be the police!

Is it the police?

It's Miriam.

It's not the police.

Miriam!

Why didn't you tell me to call Miriam?

She's your date.

That's right, I forgot, you didn't have a date.

Miriam... Hi. Remember me?

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

You'll never guess what happened.

No, I heard about it. What? How?

I got worried.

I went out to the lobby at intermission

and-and everybody was talking about it.

What happened, Oscar?

Somebody tell me something.

It all started when Oscar couldn't get a date...

She knows that part!

Tell her what happened when they tried to take our pictures.

He spent a half hour rearranging the lights for the police.

You'd have looked ten years older if I hadn't.

I'm sorry if you missed any of the show.

Oh, I didn't.

It, it, it was just fabulous.

And at the end, the entire cast came out on the stage.

Yeah? And they sang

♪ Kiss my nose, kiss my toes ♪

♪ Kiss my... ♪

Oh, it was just fantastic.

You went back in to see the rest of the show?

Well, there wasn't anything I could do,

so after I'd heard you'd been arrested,

I saw the rest of the show.

I'd have been too upset

to go back in and enjoy the show.

Well, I was too upset to enjoy it.

You just said that it was fabulous.

Well, I-I-I knew it was good

because everyone else was applauding.

Good, Miriam.

She's too fast for you.

Would you please tell me what happened at the police station.

Nothing happened. How come?

Felix refused to go to night court.

He made them set a trial date.

We have to go back in two weeks.

We need time to prepare our defense!

I'm not taking this lying down.

Felix, if we go to court we have to get a lawyer.

That costs money.

Do you know how much they charge for a day in court?

We don't need a lawyer.

I'm handling this case

and we'll plead "Not Guilty".

Oh, boy.

Where are you going?

To get some butter. What for?

To go with the bread and water.

What are you worried about?

I got an air... Mr. Price! Mr. Price!

He's a reporter on the Journal.

What's he doing here?

I called him in. I called in all the press.

I want complete coverage.

Hello, Madison.

Hi, Harry.

You getting all this? You bet.

It's going to be a good story.

Oh, listen, Harry... Isn't this terrific?

Let the whole world see our fight against injustice.

I welcome publicity.

Well, you're going to get a lot of it.

He has a large circulation. Felix, this is bad.

What are you worried about?

I've got key witnesses lined up.

We're going to blast this case wide open.

You'll see, you'll see.

All rise.

Mr., uh, Unger.

Here, sir.

Will you call your first witness, please?

Thank you, Your Honor.

If it please the Court,

I should like to call to the stand Officer Murray Greshler.

That's your key witness?

Character witness.

Why are you carrying your briefcase?

What, what, what?

Oh, give it to me, Clarence Darrow.

Hi, Your Honor.

How are ya, Murray?

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

How was the vacation?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Where'd you go?

Detroit.

Why Detroit?

Well, we're sick of Cleveland.

Your Honor?

How's the wife? Fine.

May I proceed?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Officer Greshler,

how long have you known the co-defendants?

Oh, let me see. I met them in 1964.

'64. You've known them a long time.

Oh, sure, sure.

And how would you describe Oscar Madison?

Male Caucasian, 165 pounds,

five-foot ten and a half,

No... blue eyes.

I want your opinion of Mr. Madison.

A great guy.

Quite a character.

What do you mean?

You mean, you mean he has a great character?

Judge, you ought to see his room.

Unbelievable!

Officer Greshler, would you say that Mr. Madison's

the kind of man who would scalp a ticket for $25.00?

Heck, no.

He needs a lot more than that.

What a character.

You may step down.

He never has a dime in his pocket.

You may step down now.

He's always in debt up to here.

Step down. Step down?

Don't you want me to tell him about...?

You may step down, Officer Greshler.

Stepping down.

Your Honor, I move

that Officer Greshler's complete testimony

be stricken from the record.

Oh, that's all right.

Call your next witness.

Thank you, Your Honor.

If it please the Court,

I shall call to the stand Miss Beth Olam.

Don't be nervous, my dear.

Is this another beautiful key witness?

Miss Olam, do you remember me?

Oh, yes, you're the ticket scalper.

I object.

Sustained.

"Alleged" ticket scalper.

Thank you, Your Honor. Your Honor,

it is the contention of the defense

that in their trafficking with the witness,

the co-defendants had not one iota of avarice,

not one scintilla of cupidity for fiscal increment.

Mr. Unger, could you talk faster or smaller?

Objection sustained.

We didn't want to make any money.

Thank you.

Now, Miss Olam, stop me if anything I say

is different from what occurred

that night at the theatre.

All right.

I said, "Hi, there.

Would you like to see the show?"

That's what he said.

"I have an extra ticket."

He said that, too.

And what did you say?

I said, "How much is it?"

That's what she said.

I believe it. Get on with it!

You're hearing this?

Can I help it?

And when I told you how much it was,

what did you do?

I offered you $15 for it.

And did I take it?

No, you held out for more.

Did I ask you

for more money? Well...

Ah-ah-ah! Now think hard.

Your answer is very important.

Well, not exactly.

You hear? You hear? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, I mean, I just assumed that this man...

Did, did you say you assumed?

Yes.

Your Honor, may defense counsel use that blackboard?

Yes.

Thank you, Your Honor. Miss Olam,

you should never assume because when you assume,

you make an ass of you and me.

That's very good.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you, Miss Olam.

You may step down.

Mr. Prosecutor, your witness.

No further questions.

Hey, you were great!

You wanna handle my jaywalking ticket?

Well, that puts things in a new light.

If you'll excuse me,

I'll retire and render a verdict.

But just one moment, I didn't say, "Defense rests."

I'm not through.

Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not.

I am rolling, boy!

Your Honor, I intend to prove beyond a shadow...

Sit down, Your Honor, sit down.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

that there was never any intention to sell this ticket,

and to that end, I should like to call to the witness stand

my key witness and co-defendant...

And incidentally, a heck of a guy... Oscar Madison.

Take the stand.

What are you doing?

Take the stand.

Mr. Unger, this man is a co-defendant.

Anything he says will be judged in that light.

Why don't you allow Miss Olam's testimony to speak for itself?

Is the bench cognizant of the import of its remarks?

Do you think Mr. Oscar Madison would lie?

He's a reputable man.

Proceed!

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, Mr. Madison, state your name, please.

Oscar Madison.

Famous sportswriter.

Now, Mr. Madison, would you tell the Court in your own words,

of course, exactly what transpired

on the aforementioned evening

in connection with the alleged scalping of the alleged ticket?

I had this extra ticket

and my roommate Felix Unger said,

"Why don't we return it to the box office?"

Which he did.

Now, he didn't come back to the seat.

I went out to the lobby to see what was happening.

He was being arrested.

Next thing I knew, I was being arrested, too.

And...?

And what?

You're leaving out the most important part.

What's the most important part?

Mr. Unger, we'd all like to hear.

Tell them how you couldn't get a date.

Felix! Yes.

Mr. Madison, will you tell the Court

why there was an extra ticket?

Can I object?

No.

Only your lawyer can object.

Answer the question, Mr. Madison.

I refuse to answer the question on the grounds...

I don't want to answer the question.

You're ruining my defense!

Well, okay, you're going to ruin my life...!

Answer, Mr. Madison.

I have killers patiently waiting their turn.

I had an extra ticket 'cause I couldn't get a date.

A little louder, please.

What's that? I didn't get the answer.

I couldn't get a date.

Ah. And how hard did you try?

I tried very hard.

How many girls did you call?

Seven.

We didn't hear you, Mr. Madison. What?

Seven! Seven! Seven! You count 'em. Seven!

Are those the acts of a man

who would scalp a ticket?

Defense rests!

Seven! Lead story!

Come on, will you?

I want to take a minute to decide this case,

and then I want to take another minute

to see if I still want to be a judge.

Hey, Oscar, it looks real good.

I'm sure glad I was able to help you.

Look at that face.

What are you worried about?

This is in the bag, baby!

You're going to walk out of here a free man.

All rise.

I've reached a decision.

In the case of The City of New York v. Unger and Madison,

I find the defendants not guilty.

How about that?

Satisfied?

No, I'm humiliated.

Do you realize what happened to me

in this courtroom today?

Do you?

You're right, you're absolutely right.

Your Honor,

"Not Guilty" is all well and good,

but it hardly makes up to Mr. Madison

for the humiliation he suffered.

I, uh, I would suggest that an apology is in order.

So, go ahead, apologize.

I'm not the one who accused him of being a liar.

I think a big man would apologize.

Felix, let's go home, please.

Mr. Unger, we have two choices:

"Guilty" or "Not Guilty".

Justice has a short menu.

I'm waiting for an apology.

All right, I apologize. I'm sorry you're not guilty.

Mr. Unger, you're getting on my nerves.

Let's leave personalities out of this, shall we?

Mr. Unger, my mother didn't scrub floors

to send me to law school to listen to this.

I'm fining you and your client

a hundred dollars for contempt of court.

You think that scares us?

Us! Us! Again us!

Your Honor, may I speak for myself, please?

Any other voice would be refreshing.

May I put this man on the stand?

I'd love it.

Take the stand, take the stand.

I want to prove to the witness that he...

You mean to the Court.

See? Buttinski. No, I mean to the witness.

How messy it is back here.

Forget the mess!

I want to prove to the witness

that he's responsible for this

and he owes us all an apology.

If you could do that, I'll cancel the fine.

You got a bet.

Mr. Unger, when you went to grammar school,

what was your nickname?

I, I don't see...

Answer the question, please.

Felix "the pest".

Huh? I didn't hear you. Louder.

Felix the pest.

And what did your high school yearbook say about you?

I was voted the boy "Most likely to interrupt."

And when you went to a marriage counselor,

what happened?

He kicked me out of his office.

And?

He wrote on my chart "lunatic".

And what were the specific grounds

for your divorce that set a legal precedent

in the State of New York?

"Pestiness." My wife swore under oath I was a pest.

Defense rests.

And she was right.

She's a wonderful woman, Your Honor.

I don't know why I do these things.

I drive everybody crazy. He's right.

I, I know I bothered the Court,

I bothered the bailiff.

I kept killers waiting.

I always think I'm helping.

I never seem to do the right thing.

I Never learn... I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll suspend the fine if you'll get out of here.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, you're a very understanding man

and I just want you to know I appreciate it.

You're very long-suffering and very forbearing.

That's all right.

Just one thing.

You have a tendency

to mumble when you talk.

You're the judge.

Exert your authority.

Speak up.

Get him out of here!

Felix, would you get out of here?!