Original subtitles

All right, now, all those in favor

of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club starting our season

with Madame Butterfly again kindly signify by saying "aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye.

Those opposed? It's unanimous.

We're going to have Madame Butterfly.

Great, oh, great... now, what we do first: Henry,

talk to the man who rented us the kimonos and wigs last year,

but tell him this time he's

going to have to wait for his money.

Don't you have the money yet?

I... I have it, don't worry about it.

As soon as I talk to Oscar, I'll have the money.

Last year, my wig didn't fit.

Don't worry about your wig, Vivian.

I had a headache all through the second act.

You won't have a headache.

We'll make your wig fit. Look who's here! Mr. Madison!

Hi, everybody.

♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪

♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪

♪ Hello, Oscar! ♪

I want... I want to talk to you.

Help yourselves. I made you some finger sandwiches.

Hey, buddy...

What's with the singing telegram?

That's my opera group.

They like you!

Everybody likes you.

All right, Felix, what do you want?

What do you mean, what do I want?

I just want to talk to you.

Not now. I'm not in the mood.

What's the matter?

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Why, of course I would, buddy.

What happened?

I got kicked out of the pool room.

Not much left after you've

been kicked out of a pool room, is there?

Well, I've been shooting so good lately,

they're beginning to call me a hustler.

Are you? No.

And I was counting on winning enough money to pay my bills.

You're really something.

You... you love to gamble, don't you?

Don't nag me now, will ya?

I'm not nagging you. It's healthy.

You enjoy it. It's a good outlet.

It's perfectly normal. It's a good outlet?!

You ought to quit the opera club... too many high notes.

I'm not kidding.

You... You're an expert on gambling, aren't you?

On gambling, yeah. Not on winning.

Yeah, but you know odds.

You know the games. You know all those things.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the savior

of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club, Oscar Madison!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Meeting adjourned.

Meeting adjourned, I'll see you...

You'll find out. You'll find out.

You won't have any trouble, will you, Felix?

Don't worry, just let me talk to him alone.

Everything's going to be all right. You will check on my wig?

Don't worry about your wig, Vivian.

Oscar? No.

I didn't say anything.

Why do you say "no"?

Let's start with "no," we'll work from there.

My opera club is in desperate trouble.

I know, I've heard them sing.

That's a goody.

You're some character, you really are.

You made yourself a sandwich

and now you've got my finger sandwiches?

Yeah, they're going to be for dessert.

You know, the opera club

has been operating for several years at a steady loss.

So have I.

You know, every year, we run a fund-raising event...

All right, how much are the tickets

and what is the make of the car?

We're not going to have some corny raffle.

That's for Easter.

Now what we're going to do this year...

we're going to have a Monte Carlo Night.

Gambling for the sake of the opera. Good.

Go ahead, it's all right with me.

Well, there's only one... one problem.

We don't know much about gambling.

What's to know?

You call your bookie and then, later,

you send him a check.

Hmm, running a Monte Carlo Night's a lot more

complicated than that.

All right, Felix, what do you want from me?

Put that down!

Not back in there after it's been in your mouth!

All right, here's what I want you to do.

You'd know where to rent gambling equipment.

We don't know that and you could get it at the right price.

Then, teach our members how to operate the equipment.

Then, set the odds so we make a lot of money.

Then, spread the word around so we'll have

a lot of people there gambling.

Then, on the night of the event,

you run everything. Mm-hmm.

Can you do that? Sure.

Just let me step into a telephone booth,

change into my cape, break a date with Lois Lane

and I'll be right out.

I know it's a lot of work, but you've,

you've run gambling nights before.

Yeah, in Vinnie's garage.

I brought the equipment in my pocket.

Are you trying to say you don't want to help me?

Felix, I'm trying to tell you that I can't help you.

I don't have the time.

I would if I could, but honest, I really can't... honest.

Swell punch.

All right.

We won't have a Monte Carlo Night, that's all.

No law says we have to.

No law says we have to have an opera.

We lived without penicillin all these years,

we'll live without this.

Oh, I'm sure somebody in the club knows

someone who could handle it.

They don't know anybody like that.

They're all decent people.

I didn't mean that. I didn't mean wha...

Aw, come on, do it, please.

It'll be so much fun.

On the night of the event,

we'll have a special ad

featuring your picture in the program.

"Thanks to Oscar Madison, without whom,

"our production of Madame Butterfly

would have been Madame Moth."

You set the odds.

You know, I did have a dream once

that I was Humphrey Bogart and I was running a casino.

Everybody came to see Rick, see.

Yeah. That would be nice.

And this time, all the money goes to the opera.

In the dream, I got all the money and Ingrid Bergman.

Come on, you'll do it, won't you?

Please? All right, yes.

I knew you would! I knew you would.

Grazie. Mille grazie!

Hasta la vista.

Faites vos jeux, mesdames et messieurs.

Faites vos jeux.

C'est demi faites vos jeux, ah...

Three red!

Trois rouge. Ah, nobody wins.

Quel dommage. Quel dommage.

What are you doing, Felix?

A little atmosphere. Atmosphere.

And here we have the wheel of fortune.

Around, around she goes, and where she stops...

Que sera sera.

And what have we here?

What do you call this thing? Chuck-a-luck.

This is a Chuck-a-luck, mesdames et messieurs.

Faites vos jeux.

Oh, and you are in the sewer, too bad.

Maybe you are lucky in love, monsieur, eh?

Felix, when people are losing they don't like

to be laughed at, especially in two languages.

It's the only game in town.

What a crowd!

You did such a great job.

Where'd you get all these people?

It was easy, I told my bookie about it, he did the rest.

You mean, these are...

some of these are professional gamblers?

Yeah. Oh, no!

Oh, no!

How could you do that to me? What's the matter?

Because professional gamblers know how to win.

I want people who lose, like you.

Professional gamblers

spend a lot of money at places like this,

not like those piccolo players you invited.

Besides, you're winning.

Am I? Oh, the club's way ahead.

Are we really? Yeah.

Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah, but Felix, listen! Whoa!

What? I think we ought to close.

Why? We said we'd close at 12:00.

Let's not get greedy. It's 12:00.

No, no, but you said we're winning.

We're getting ahead. Yeah, but Felix, listen...

You said the odds are with the house, didn't you?

If we make more money, then we can put on two operas this year...

Yeah, but the odds can turn on you.

How can they turn when the odds are with the house?

I've seen it happen a million times.

Eleven, a winner! Pay the man.

A million and one times.

Let it ride.

Game's closed! Game closed!

You can't close the game now; I've got a bet on the table.

Oui, monsieur.

But he's got it all on one number. He's allowed.

Listen, I'm the house.

You could lose your shirt on this game.

Why don't you spread it around, make it last?

Let it ride. Spin the wheel.

I'm the house and it's my ball.

Everybody go home.

I said let it ride.

Can't, there's no ball.

Then we'll use your eye.

Every cent.

We lost every cent.

Not only what we took in, but what we started out.

We're wiped out!

I'm sorry, Felix. You're sorry!

That's all you can say?

We're ruined!

I'm ruined! They'll never talk to me again.

I blame you!

You blame me?!

Yes, bringing in professional gamblers,

playing numbers nobody ever heard of.

Eleven!

And that ball was tricky, too.

It tasted funny.

Felix, those are the breaks.

That's why they call it gambling.

Anyway, it's your fault. My fault?

I said to close at 12:00. You got greedy.

You're the one who blew it!

There's no sense in pointing

the accusing finger of blame at anybody.

The point is, what are we going to do now?

There's nothing you can do now.

Arnold won the money honestly.

Arnold? Yeah.

You know him?

Yeah, I've known him a long time, you kidding?

Put the twenties over here.

And put the tens over there. What have you got there?

And some singles here.

Where'd you get all that money?

From Arnold, he owed it to me.

What?! Yeah.

Owed it to me since the year one.

The "let it ride" guy owed you money?

That's my Arnold.

Well, that's wonderful.

Oh, don't touch the money, Felix.

What a break! You're touching.

I told you not to touch it.

But now the Opera Club gets its money back.

Yay!

I don't think I heard you.

We're saved.

We get our money back.

Now I know I didn't hear you.

Surely, you're not thinking of keeping that money.

Why not? It's my money.

No, it's not.

It belongs to the opera club.

How do you figure that?

Well, Arnold got it from us, you got it from him.

You give it back to us, then everybody's even.

That can't be right. See, I'd be out all this money.

No, you wouldn't. You'd just be back where you started from.

Yeah, but only Arnold wouldn't owe it to me anymore.

See, I had this money coming to me.

But it came from the opera club!

From them, to him, to you, to me.

It's like an isosceles triangle.

Oh... An isosceles triangle.

Now you explained it properly.

Now all I have to do is call up Arnold, see?

And I say, "Arnold, you know the money you paid me?

"Well, I had to give it to my roommate

to put on a production of Madame Butterfly.

So you're gonna have to pay me back again, see?

And then he'll say, "I'll twist your little Rigoletto."

I'm not giving you this money!

Boy, talk about selfish!

I'll tell you one thing!

You're not going to get your picture in the program!

Now, we're not going to panic.

We're not going to give up.

We're just going to keep on trying.

The costumer says if we don't come up with some money

by this weekend, we can forget about the kimonos.

What about my wig?

Don't worry about your wig, Vivian.

Your wig's going to be fine.

Felix, you told us you could get that money back.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'm, I'm wearing him down.

This morning he talked to me.

That... that's something.

Well, if there's nothing else,

I think maybe we better break up the meeting,

because I don't want you here when he comes home.

We just started. I know, but he says

the group makes him nervous, and I want to talk to him.

Hey, hi, gang. How are you?

You're going? Why don't you stick around?

We'll have a beer.

Nothing?

Let us know what happens, Felix.

We'll have a season. Don't worry.

Don't worry about your wig, Vivian.

What's with the silent treatment?

Well, what do you expect from a group

that's been denied a rehearsal hall?

The landlord asked for the rent.

I told him, "I don't have the rent.

Oscar Madison has the rent."

Oscar, if we don't bring up the money for the costumes,

he's going to sell them to a road company

of Flower Drum Song.

What do you want from me?

In the three years I've lived here,

I have never asked you for one red cent.

That's the one thing I liked about you.

I'm not asking you for any money now.

All I'm asking for is a loan.

A loan?

What are you going to put up for collateral, your vaporizer?

Oscar, if I, if I don't give the money back to you

in six months, I guarantee you I'll do anything you say.

Right. I'll even move out.

You got it!

Well, we figured out

that if we just charge 35 cents more per ticket,

we'll have enough to pay Oscar back.

Well, it just means we won't have our picnic this year,

that's all.

I'll have the money tonight.

Okay, good.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.

How are ya? Did you bring...

No, not out of the faucet.

Come on!

Tastes better that way.

Hey, you're making cookies!

Yeah, I'm making your favorites.

Yeah, shaped like horses' heads.

Ah, cookies, that's the least I can do

for the man who's giving us back our opera season.

Look at this.

Ooh, they look good.

Ooh, hot! Hey-ah!

Ooh, good... good and hot, hot.

Good, Oscar.

Ooh, you make the best cookies.

King of the cookies!

I'm king of the cookies. Yep.

Did you bring the money?

Yeah, well, I want to give it to you on Wednesday.

Good.

But you... Wednesday?

Yeah. I don't understand.

Well, see, Wednesday is when I'm gonna win it.

So that's when I'm going to give it to you.

You're gonna win it?

I thought...

Look, look Felix, I went to the bank this morning.

I took out the money and...

I just happened to be passing the pool room, and, uh...

And you lost it.

No, no, I didn't lose it.

See, I ran into Sure-Shot Wilson,

and he challenged me to a game.

And you lost the money!

I did not lose the money.

Now, this man is the champ of the 34th Street Pool Room.

Now he challenged me, Felix.

One game... 250 points for the whole pile.

See, Wednesday I'll have a lot of money

and you'll still have your money.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

You see, he challenged me!

Everybody was around.

They were looking... Arnold... all my friends.

I mean, what could I say?

If I'd backed down, if I'd chickened out...

Wow, they'd probably never would talk to me again.

Don't you understand?

Understand?

Sure, I know you don't want to be humiliated

in front of your friends.

Yeah, see, so I put up the money.

What's done is done.

As Macbeth said,

"What's done cannot be undone.

Murderer!"

Murderer...

Macbeth! I can't talk to you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the pool room and practice.

Practice?

Yeah.

I thought you were supposed to be so good.

Oh, everybody practices.

Even the best player in the world practices.

I'm going with you.

What for?

I want to protect my money.

I want to see if you're any good.

You can't go to the pool room.

Your mother won't let you.

I won't tell her.

Ah, you missed.

You didn't put anything in.

Playing safety.

It's a very important part of the game.

I like when the white ball hits

and makes them all go into every pocket.

H-H-Here, here.

All right, you happy now? Hey, bravo!

Great!

Very great! You're very good at pool.

I wonder how you say "pool" in Italian.

"La poola."

Do you know how to say "pool" in Italian?

Pool... pool's a... pool's a lake... lago, lago.

Bravo in lago.

Would you stand back a little bit, Felix, please?

Ooh!

Boy, you have to stand way back in this game, don't you?

Bravo! Bravo in lago!

How do you know when you're winning

if you play by yourself?

If I get the balls in the pockets, I'm winning.

Ah... Bravo, bravo, bravo!

Le-Let me try one.

All right, here, here.

I didn't know you played pool.

I don't, but it's the same as golf, isn't it?

You just put a ball in a hole.

I didn't know you played golf.

I don't. Shoot!

So what do I do?

Make the nine ball in the corner pocket.

How do you know it's a nine ball?

Take a look.

Oh... it's got a little number on it, hasn't it?

Yeah, it's got a number.

That's clever.

Okay.

Aha!

Now, I'm going to put the...

14 ball in that... no, no...

Put the 15 ball in this one.

Hold it.

Come on, you can't do that.

You've got to hit the cue ball where it stops.

You can't put it around the table,

make everything a pocket hanger.

Oh... that's much harder that way, isn't it?

Yes, it's much harder that way.

Felix, you want me to win that game? Yes.

Let me practice, leave me alone, please.

Who's that man there?

That's the guy holding the bet, the money.

Where is he holding it?

In the paper bag.

Oh, he's asleep.

Anybody could come along and take it.

Is it safe?

15 in the side pocket.

Two ball in the side pocket.

Sure-Shot Wilson: 240, Oscar: 237.

You made enough to pay for the costumes yet?

No, I haven't made enough to pay for the costumes yet.

What's taking you so long?

I'm losing, Felix.

You're losing? Yeah.

Well, that, that, that's not what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to win.

Tell him; he never misses.

I haven't shot for an hour.

Listen to the cough on that guy.

I don't believe it; I'm getting wiped out

and you're worried about his cough.

I told you the ventilation in here was terrible.

And that's a miss!

Finally. Oscar.

Here's your chance. Now you're going to win.

Now stay cool.

Concentrate, concentrate on each ball.

Don't get too excited.

Can I shoot before the cue warps?

Yes, yes.

He's going to win 'cause he's my friend.

He's good.

Bravo, bravo in lago, bravo, bravo.

Felix Unger, commercial photographer,

portraits a specialty.

Yeah.

Some cough you've got.

What cough?

Listen to you.

See?

You know what causes that, don't you?

Look, Mac, I'm trying to concentrate on the game.

Will you please cool it?

Try to do someone a favor.

Six ball in the side.

What causes it?

Smoking, of course.

I bet you smoke two packs a day.

Four.

Four?!

You smoke four packages of cigarettes a day?

Mm-hmm.

My Uncle Edward used to smoke

four packages of cigarettes a day.

He quit?

He died.

Uncle Edward was only 46 years of age.

I'm 45.

You look older.

When you cough, where do you feel it worse...

In your throat or down in your chest?

What difference does it make?

I mean, is it important?

The right answer could save your life.

Chest. Mm.

Throat!

I should have said throat!

When did you last have a chest X-ray?

Chest X-ray?

Yeah, well, you might have emphysema.

And it's a miss.

Oscar: 248, Sure-Shot: 240.

Sure-Shot, it's your shot.

You know, it used to get me first

in the throat and then... Sure-Shot, Sure-Shot.

Into the chest, of course. Shoot pool.

What? Pool, remember?

Oh.

That's bad, huh? Yeah.

Here, hold these for me, will you?

12 ball.

It's a miss.

All right, Oscar.

Oh!

I knew it was going to be a tough one.

Hey!

Oscar Madison, the winner! You did it, you did it!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Don't show too much emotion.

No, don't show too much emotion

here in the pool room, will you?

Here's your money, Oscar.

I knew you could do it, I knew you...

H-Here's your money.

Go get your costumes, go ahead, go.

Mr. Sure-Shot, I, uh, I'm naturally elated

that my friend won, but I hope I didn't upset you.

Forget it.

You taught me one lesson.

Never shoot pool without a cigarette.

Such a nervous man.

I made him nervous.

Did you see the way he was shaking?

When I told him about my Uncle Edward, he got so upset.

Who?

My Uncle Edward.

The one that was killed in the bus crash.

Oscar.

It was the best opening night our club ever had.

Aw, that's great. And we owe it all to you.

We've got something for you.

♪ Hmm, hmm ♪

♪ Glory unto Oscar Madison ♪

♪ Here's a thank you now that our work is done ♪

♪ Glory and bravo to Oscar M. ♪

♪ He wrote out a check, he stuck out his neck ♪

♪ He's the best of them ♪

♪ Oscar Madison, Oscar Madison ♪

♪ Oscar Madison...! ♪