Original subtitles

Here you are, Mr. Madison.

Black coffee, tomato juice,

Worcestershire sauce, aspirin and eyedrops.

Boy, when you asked me to come over this morning,

I thought it was to pick up your article,

not work on your head.

Nine office parties in one month is too much.

The obituary department gives the best parties.

Those guys sure know how to laugh.

Boy, you really tied one on last night, huh?

You can't chug-a-lug scotch.

It was a terrible night.

For you, maybe, but not for me.

Last night was one of the most

exciting nights of my life.

You know, it was the first time I tap danced in years.

Since I was in the half-time show

at the Alabama-Mississippi game.

You went to school in the South?

Yeah, that's where I acquired my accent.

Y'all.

Did you hear it? Yeah, I heard.

You danced very well, yes, you did.

Here, take the articles downtown, will ya?

You know, they really seemed to like it, didn't they?

Yeah, they liked it. You danced great.

Will you take the articles?

But did you like it?

It was so good I even remember it.

Then I've really got it, huh? Got what?

That certain charisma

that sets me apart from mere mortals.

What were you drinking last night?

Oh, nothing.

It's dangerous to dance and drink.

Good morning...!

There they are, the flashing feet of Myrna Turner.

You were Ruby Keeler and Ginger Rogers

rolled up into one last night.

Really? Yeah, look.

Here are your pictures, look, look, look.

Oh, Mr. Unger got pictures of us.

Yeah, I saw. Don't touch them. They're wet.

Look, see. Yeah, I see.

There she is doing her fancy step. Thrilling, thrilling, thrilling.

Yeah, remember when I did it. Hit it!

The tap-dancing secretary.

You're good. You really are.

Do you really mean it? Oh, yeah.

You ought to turn professional.

You really think so? Oh, yes. You're good.

♪ Listen, Mr. Madison, I quit! ♪

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Myrna, sit down, please.

I think you caught my hangover.

Sit, come on.

I know it sounds crazy, Mr. Madison,

but I studied for 12 years.

I mean, it was always a dream of mine to be a tap dancer.

Felix, will you tell her she's crazy, please?

Well, it's not a very practical way to earn a living,

is it? Of course not.

You can't give up a good job

for something with no security.

Tell her, Felix.

That's right, that's right.

I mean, New York is full of people

who want to be dancers.

And so few of them make it.

Well, it's a dog-eat- dog world out there.

How does she know she's good enough?

There's a lot of heartbreak out there. That's right.

They say there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway.

Tell her, Felix. You can make it.

Dancing is Myrna's dream, Oscar. I'm warning you...

How can you crush this beautiful person's dream?

Listen to me, grab the brass ring.

I know it sounds cliché, but the cliché is true.

Follow your star.

He doesn't mean that. I do mean it.

It's a dog-eat-dog world! Listen to the voice of bitter experience.

There a broken heart for every... When I was a child,

I wanted to be an opera singer.

It's all I thought about. Were you good?

He's good.

I sang a medley of Wagner

to my third grade Easter party.

I was a child Heldentenor.

If you take Heldentenor's advice,

you're through as my secretary.

Who wants your rotten job?

Couldn't you just give me a little time off

until I get my career going?

No, not now, honey.

How about if I took my vacation in spurts?

Like a couple hours a day.

Myrna, you know I'm guest hosting

the TV talk show, The Sports Den.

I need a full-time secretary.

No, no! No, full-time!

She needs time off for interviews, auditions.

And I'll help 'cause I know a lot of show business biggies.

Make up your mind, Myrna.

Make up your mind, Myrna.

How would it be if I kept working for him

until you lined something up?

And then, if I do get some work,

then I'll find my own replacement, how's that?

All right, all right, I'll try you part-time.

But I'm busy, I'm making no promises.

Thanks, Mr. Madison, and don't worry,

I'll still be the same model of efficiency I've always been.

Myrna. Myrna!

Huh?

You forgot the article.

Right.

Oh, did you see her face?

You see the glow?

She reminds me of a bird stretching its wings

for the first time.

♪ Listen, Mr. Unger, get out! ♪

Myrna, get me Rocky Noonan's number, will ya?

I'm lining up my guests for the TV show.

Myrna?

Myrna?

It's coffee break time.

Cream and two sugars.

Where were you? Huh?

Oh, I was dreaming I was at the Stage Delicatessen

and they named a sandwich after me.

Myrna Turner Tuna.

Can you sandwich in a little work?

Give me Rocky Noonan's number, please.

Right.

Georgette La Forge.

What?

I'm looking for a new name for my career.

Like Liza Turner, Tallulah Turner,

Mary Tyler Turner.

Will you forget Rocky Noonan?

Just finish your letter, all right?

♪ Tea for two ♪

♪ And two for tea ♪

Myrna. Hmm?

You ready? Let's go.

Where's your replacement?

Oh, she's due here any minute.

Where you going? This is Myrna's big chance.

We're meeting Franklin Lang for lunch.

Who?

Franklin Lang.

Does a man have to wear sweat socks

before you've heard of him?

Franklin Lang produced Tippy Tap Toe,

Uptown Parade, Bowery Rhythm, big hits.

Yeah, then the talkies came in and wiped him out.

He's a has-been.

And he's making a comeback.

He's going to be an is-again.

We're meeting him at the Chop House in ten minutes.

Come on. Can you wait a minute?

I just want to fix my face. Go, go.

Isn't this exciting?

Franklin Lang.

It's ridiculous.

You're ruining a semi-competent secretary.

I can't get any work done around here.

You're not thinking of that girl at all.

You ought to be ashamed of your...

She's an accomplished dancer.

An accomplished dancer? She's a tap dancer.

Tap dancing went out with Mussolini.

But it's making a comeback.

And she's good at it.

She was great last night.

Everything was great last night.

We were drinking last night, remember?

I was in complete control of myself.

Oh, really?

Then who was that idiot up there marching with her,

waving the flag and limping like the Spirit of '76?

I was just joining in.

Joining in the spirit of things.

At least I wasn't playing Yankee Doodle

on my head with a pencil.

Felix...

what are your credentials for being an agent?

Do you know how many crooks there are in New York

preying on kids like that?

"I'll make you a star, come to my school for $200."

"Kids, you need pictures."

And they charge 'em for the pictures.

I'm honest.

Those are my credentials.

I'm not going to make anything out of this.

And what's more, I've got a flair for show business.

Okay, whatever happens to her now is your responsibility.

"Responsibility" is my middle name, mister.

And "pest" is your first name, mister.

Come on, Mr. Unger, we're gonna be late. You ready?

My replacement will be here any minute.

♪ We'll take a stairway to the stars ♪

Take an elevator, it's faster.

Stairway to the Stars ♪

Are you Oscar Madison?

Yeah.

I'm Myrna Turner's Aunt Lucille.

Oh, Myrna just left. Did you see her?

I know.

I'm filling in for her.

You?

Yeah, I figured "What the heck?"

Oh, sit down.

Type a letter for me, will ya?

Very important.

It's very, very important.

This goes to Bob McAllen

on The Sports Den talk show... okay.

Dear, Bob, I want to show my appreciation

for you asking me to host the TV show again.

I am presently lining up my guests.

I'll be in touch with you

when I am sure who is going to be on.

Affectionately yours, Oscar Madison.

B... O... B.

Bob.

"Dear Bob."

"Dear Bob"?

Can't you type any faster than that?

I'm doing the best I can.

They've added a lot of keys since 1930.

And stop undressing me with your eyes.

B... O... B.

Bob.

"Dear Bob."

So what happened with Franklin Lang?

How did it go?

It didn't.

Didn't you take the big producer to lunch?

He took me for lunch.

He also took me for two martinis,

a bus ticket to Atlantic City

and a quarter for the men's room.

He didn't even look at my photos.

He just ate, drank, and passed out in the chocolate pudding.

I thought he was making a big comeback.

He came back. Nobody cared.

I'm sorry, Myrna.

I really am.

Thanks, Mr. Madison.

We aren't giving up, kid.

Is my aunt still here?

No, she took a nap,

then she went to her girlfriend's funeral.

Listen, I sent for a girl from the secretarial pool.

Well, that's good, because Myrna doesn't feel like working today.

Oh, really, impresario?

Tell me when will your protégé be ready to come back to work?

I don't know.

What do you mean "I don't know"?

Felix, I can't go on.

This is just a temporary setback.

We're going to suffer through this thing.

Right, kid? And I'll help.

I know a lot of big shots in show business. Yeah, who?

I know a lot. Name one.

Plenty. Never mind plenty. One name.

Murray's cousin.

Murray's cousin?

He's a big agent, and he'll love Myrna.

You really think so?

Murray's cousin is...

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Madison?

I'm Miss Jenson from the secretarial pool.

From the secretarial what?

Pool.

Myrna, you're in her seat.

She won't last a year.

Hey, Felix.

Myrna said she's almost ready.

Good, I hope your cousin likes poi.

I made it to give the room a proper Hawaiian atmosphere.

Happy Greshler is a theatrical agent.

He eats anything that's free.

That must be him.

Mr. Greshler? Yes.

My name is Felix Unger. Hello, Felix.

Just call me Happy.

Murray, Murray, Hi.

Murray, how are you? How's the family? Fine. Fine.

Remember we're all getting together Thanksgiving.

Oh, sure.

Where's the Hawaiian dancer?

She'll be here any minute.

Would you like some poi?

Now, she is an authentic Hawaiian dancer,

right? That's what you asked for.

That's what you're going to get.

Well, I hope she's good,

because I've got 10,000 Shriners in Cleveland

waiting for a hula dancer.

Mr. Unger, I'm ready.

She doesn't sound Hawaiian.

Sit down, sit down, you'll enjoy yourself.

Wait, let me tune my uke. Wait a minute.

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas, my dog... ♪

Okay.

Mr. Greshler,

welcome to the enchanting islands of Hawaii.

Hawaii is actually comprised of five islands:

Oahu, Maui, Kauai, Hawaii and Molokai.

And here, to bring you a taste of the islands

and to hula her way

into your heart is the lovely Lelanie Turner.

One, two, three.

♪ I want to go back ♪

♪ To my little grass shack ♪

♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪

♪ Scooby-do ♪

♪ I want to be with all the kanes and wahinis ♪

♪ That I knew long ago, vo-doh-de-oh ♪

♪ I hear old guitars a-playin' ♪

♪ On the beach at Ho'onaunau ♪

♪ I can hear those Hawaiians sayin' ♪

♪ Komo mai no kaua ia hale welakahao... ♪

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

A Hawaiian tap dance?!

They tap dance in Hawaii.

You just can't hear it because of the sand.

I'm not happy!

You will be. You will be. No! I'm not happy.

Murray, Murray, Murray, I'll catch up...

You'll like it much better here. Hit it!

♪ It won't be long till my ship will be sailing ♪

♪ Back to Kona ♪

♪ Kona ♪

♪ A grand ol' place ♪

♪ That's always fair to see ♪

♪ Skin a banana ♪

♪ Sayin' just a little Hawaiian and a homesick island boy ♪

♪ I want to go back to my fish and poi ♪

♪ I want to go back to my little grass shack ♪

♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪

♪ Scooby-do ♪

♪ Where the humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by... ♪

Hey!

♪ Where the humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by... ♪

Look at that lamp!

♪ Where the humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by. ♪

Well, thanks for bringing us a big agent, Murray.

Your cousin!

Well, he's not coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

Mr. Unger, I'm a total failure.

No, no, no, you're not.

You were good. I loved it.

If, at first, you don't succeed... Quit!

She was terrific!

I don't understand it.

Hello.

Felix?

Yes. Hi, Oscar.

Don't "Hi, Oscar" me!

I'm going crazy down here.

What's the matter?

Miss Jenson.

I couldn't concentrate on my work with her around.

I had to let her go.

I've got a date with her next Thursday.

What do you want from me?

If Myrna's not back here at 9:00 tomorrow morning sharp,

I'm going down to the personnel department,

pick myself a permanent secretary.

I've got to prepare to host that TV show.

Good-bye!

That was Oscar.

He wants Myrna back tomorrow morning.

That's it then, Felix.

The end of a brilliant career.

I'm sorry, Mr. Unger.

I didn't mean to let you down.

Why you... you didn't let me down.

You didn't. You didn't.

How could you let...

how could anyone let me down

who's going to be on TV tomorrow night?

They're re-running the Alabama-Mississippi game?

Oscar Madison just called me.

He wants you on his show tomorrow night.

I have to work out the billing

and the money... I'm gonna tap-dance on a sports show?

Right! So go home Okay.

And practice your patriotic baton-twirling tap

that made halftime history!

Murray, are you going to be there?

I'll be there!

I want all my friends to share in this moment.

Isn't that great?

Now all I have to do is convince Oscar!

How?

Easy.

The way to get to Oscar

is with brains, tact, guile, cleverness.

You'll be needing me then.

I think I can handle it.

No, no, no!

I know what you're saying. That's the way you get variety...

No, no, this is not a variety show.

It's a sports show. No.

Oh please, Oscar, you're my last hope.

You're... aw, please.

No, I knew it would come to this.

Please. But listen.

If she goes on and she's a smash,

you'll be a hero.

If she's not, if she flops,

she comes back to work as your secretary.

Either way, you win.

I knew it! I warned you.

I knew it would come to this.

No!

Maybe you're right. Yeah.

Maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

Swing that.

I was just doing it for her.

Think of Myrna... When she's 65 years old,

she won't be able to dance anymore.

It wouldn't be so bad if she said, "I didn't,"

or "I couldn't," but, oh, the pain to say,

"I should've."

Have you ever felt the pain of "I should've"?

Of course I have.

I "should've" never let you move in.

I "should've" kicked you out.

Won't you let her be on, please?

Oh, all right.

You, you, I knew it. Just to settle this thing once

and for all... I knew it! You know why?

Because you're one in a million.

There is nothing like the loyalty

that exists in this house.

You know which is the bad side of your face?

Which side? The side with a mouth on it.

Thank you, Mr. Wong,

for your tips on table tennis.

Say hello to the wall for me.

Good swing, yes, sir.

My next guest... hey,

looks like international night on the Sports Den show.

My next guest is perhaps one of the greatest in a long line

of Italian soccer players

who's often been referred to as "the man with a dozen legs."

A warm welcome, please,

for Nino Babaloni and his interpreter, Tony Magucci.

Grazie.

Hallo. Hello.

Well, welcome to the Sports show, Nino.

Hello!

There's a, there's a question I've always wanted to ask.

See, I've always been interested...

As a matter, I think the audience would be interested...

Hello.

I forgot the question.

Oh, I...

No, no, I remember, I remember.

What is the toughest team he has ever faced?

You mean the, uh, soccer?

Yeah, you know, soccer like that.

What'd he say?

Pull up your sock.

Forget that, will you please?

The toughest team he has faced.

The toughest team in soccer. Yes, toughest team.

Ah, he says the best team... Scusi.

Yugoslavia?

Germania?

No, not Germania... Yugoslavia.

Brazil?!

Milano? Roma?

Roma?

Silencio! Gentlemen.

Silencio!

Gentlemen, moving right along,

let's forget that.

What I really want to know:

does he have a particular stadium

he prefers to play in?

He cannot answer that question.

Why not?

Because I'm not speaking to him.

Oh, excuse me... it's time for a message.

We'll be right back.

Ladies, I think I can speak

for your husbands out there

when I say I hate grimy shirts,

and if you do, too, watch this message.

Hey, you're doing great. Is it good? Is it? Great. Great.

You're just really rolling.

Controversy... I like talking for a living.

Myrna is so excited.

She's talking to her batons.

Felix, listen... wait a minute. What?

Can you take some bad news? What?

Well, there isn't going to be time for Myrna to be on the show.

No! Well, see, the Ping-Pong player took a lot of time

and I need Rocky Noonan... He's a football star.

What do you need him for, to throw a body block?

Myrna can dance. She's warmed up.

Felix, I'm telling you... She can't.

Can't!

Can't means not able to. You mean mayn't.

All right, mayn't... Also, she can't.

Now, please, Felix, get off here.

Some buddy!

After all the trouble I went through.

What's the matter, Mr. Unger,

don't I get to dance?

He says there's no time to put you on the show.

Can you imagine that?!

Well, I really don't mind, Mr. Unger.

You see, I'm pretty nervous anyway,

and my hands are sweating and my batons...

Pick it up! Pick it up! It looks bad.

Five, four, three...

Which camera? Which camera?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've been waiting for...

The topper of the show... truly

a football institution...

It's halftime!

And here for your halftime pleasure,

recreating her famous baton-twirling tap

that made halftime history

in the Alabama-Mississippi game of several years ago,

is the lovely Myrna Turner!

Bravo.

Yeah, good. Yeah!

Oh, bravo.

Bellissima!

Bella, bella, brava.

Brava!

Brava.

Bellissima! Bellissima!

Bella! Bella!

Bellisima!

Bellisima! Brava!

Bella!

Hi, Mr. M.

Still mad?

I know what you mean.

Listen, Mr. Madison, you gave me a chance...

And it was really fun...

And I'll be back to work

at your desk tomorrow at 9:00.

Now, I'll never have to say "I should've."

Okay.

Good night, Oscar.

I had a real good time.

It was kind of fun, wasn't it?

Don't you realize what you did?

Yes, I know. Wait a minute!

Felix, don't do it now! Wait a minute! Always interfering

Look, every time something happens, in somebody else's life...

You always make a long speech.

You never give me a chance to make a speech.

You never let me say my hate!

You never let me express my hate!

Express it.

That's all?

What do you say... Want to go home?

Yeah.

That's so sad.

Why?

That's Franklin Lang.