Original subtitles

Are your feet wet?

No, I wore shoes.

I'm not in the mood for cuteness.

Not on the rug!

I'll water your fern.

I mean... Come on.

No, not the wet coat in the good closet.

Come on, hang that in the... All right.

Satisfied?

It's your coat.

Did you bring them?

Bring what?

How many things do I ask you to bring? My nose drops.

Sorry, I forgot.

He forgot.

Well, it was raining.

I'm sitting here suffering all evening.

My sinuses are poisoned

by this dampness, and he forgets.

Why don't you get it over with, Oscar?

Go smash my vaporizer and I'll clog to death.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry isn't enough.

Sorry's all I got.

Where are you going?

To the drugstore.

With your sinuses? You can't go out in this weather.

I'm touched by your concern.

Will you go for me?

No.

A man can't do a simple favor for a friend.

Felix, since you're going out,

would you mail this for me? I forgot to.

Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

Internal Revenue Service?

Yeah.

You're sending in your taxes now?

I'm a patriotic American.

You're also 12 days late.

Whenever I send it, they take it.

Boy, I'd like to be around when they catch up to you.

The mills of the gods grind slowly, Oscar.

They grind exceeding small.

Yes?

I have a registered letter.

You see? This man wasn't stopped

by a little rain or sleet.

Who's it from?

Internal Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue?

Aha, aha, they got you. They got you.

The mills of the gods.

Get out! The mills of the gods!

"You are hereby requested to appear at the office

"of the Internal Revenue Service. Ah. Aha.

"You must be there in the...

Yeah, yeah. Come on. Read it out loud.

I need a good gloat.

Oh, thank goodness. What?

Well, it's not as bad as I thought.

How come?

It's for you.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

They-they want to see me

at their office tomorrow morning.

They're investigating my taxes.

How do you know it's an investigation?

"To clear up a discrepancy in your tax return."

What does that sound like to you?

An investigation.

I'm starved. I'm gonna make a sandwich.

How can you eat when they're investigating my taxes?

With a clear conscience.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't do anything wrong either.

Then you've got nothing to worry about, have you?

A lot you know.

They put you in jail

when they investigate your taxes.

They get nice respectable people like me.

That's how they got Al Capone!

Maybe you'll get his cell.

I heard he left his old opera records

and a machine gun made out of soap.

You make jokes when I can hear the handcuffs

clicking together and saying, "We gotcha, Unger."

Who's gonna water my plants if I go away?

Take 'em with you.

You'll be the Shrubman of Alcatraz.

Oscar?

Oscar?

Hi.

"Hi"?

I got my nose drops.

Good. Did you get some wire for a fractured jaw?

Oscar, the last couple of hours

while I was walking around

looking for an all-night drugstore,

I had plenty of time to think, so

considering this whole thing

unemotionally, and with cool logic,

Little Felix is up the creek.

I found it.

Makes jokes. It's very funny.

What am I gonna do?!

Felix. Look, as one friend to another,

you're a maniac!

You didn't do anything wrong.

You send in the best tax return in the country.

Will you go to sleep, please?

Sleep, who can sleep?

I'll be up all night long.

Then pace quietly. Now, good night!

Good night.

Hi. You!

You're the one they should investigate!

You keep no records, no receipts!

You send in your return a month late.

You're the only man I know

who has his return filled out by his bartender.

He's studying to be an accountant.

Do you know when I sent in my return? January 2.

All day New Year's Day, I'm working on it

while you're watching football games and sobering up.

I report everything.

Last August, I helped an old lady carry her groceries.

She gave me a quarter.

I reported that.

I was with you. She gave you a half a buck.

Well, that was a quarter for each of us. Ah, yeah.

I don't want it now. It's hot money!

Sends his return in on a wet cocktail napkin,

and they investigate me.

That's enough, Felix! Now will you go to sleep?

I can't sleep.

Take a sleeping pill.

Oh, all right. I'll take a sleeping pill.

Maybe that'll...

And I don't want you back here again.

Don't worry, Oscar.

I won't be back here again.

Good morning, Felix.

Breakfast smells good.

Oh, boy.

That's weak coffee.

Felix, why didn't you make the coffee?

Felix?

Felix!

What is this? He's still... Felix!

Come on. Hey, Felix!

You know what time it is?

Felix, wake up, will you?

Felix, do you know what time it is?

Felix! Felix, you're still sleeping?

Do you know what time it is?

Will you get up and make my cof...?

Felix, you all right?!

Felix!

Felix...

He took the whole bottle.

And the cotton.

Come on, you gotta walk.

Dr. Melnitz will be here any minute.

You gotta walk. Let's go.

Come on.

Felix.

Just keep walking.

It's like walking with a wheelbarrow.

Felix, Felix, wake up.

You gotta walk. Come here.

I want to sleep.

No sleep, no! Here, have some coffee.

Have some coffee.

Have some coffee... Have some coffee.

Oh, that's terrible.

That isn't my coffee.

I made it.

Ugh. Did you clean the pot?

The man took an overdose of pills

and he's worried about cleaning the pot.

Just keep walking. Keep walking.

Felix. Now he's walking backwards.

Come on, Felix, get up will you?

Walk! Come on. Come on.

Come in!

Look, I think that's Dr. Melnitz.

Come on.

All right.

All right,

my nurse told me you had an emergency.

Which one of you is dying?

The one lying on the couch. Here.

All right, Felix.

Huh? What's the matter with you?

He was worried about his income tax.

He took sleeping pills.

How many? I don't know.

Maybe the whole bottle.

All right.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my.

What is it?

I'm exhausted.

The earliest house call I ever had.

You got some coffee?

Yeah. Here. I got some ready.

No. Don't drink the coffee, it's terrible.

Help me, will you, Dr. Melnitz?

Here we go. Ahh!

Felix.

Hmm... mm.

How many pills did you take?

One.

One pill?

When did you take it?

Quarter of 7:00.

I made a house call because he took

one sleeping pill an hour and a half ago?

But why would he take a sleeping pill

at a quarter of 7:00 in the morning?!

Because I wasn't able to sleep all night.

Felix, what's troubling you?

Hmm?

Dr. Melnitz!

What are you doing here?

Am I all right?

You're fine. You're fine.

You get my bill tomorrow.

It's deductible.

You know something?

I think I'm the only doctor in New York who's awake

at this hour who doesn't have a golf club in his hands.

I'll see you.

I called him, Felix.

I saw the empty bottle of pills, I got worried.

The bottle was empty because there was only one pill in it.

I used the cotton to clean my ears.

Okay, Felix... up.

I want you to get up. Get up!

I want you to go down to the Internal Revenue Service.

I hope they convict you.

I hope you get Capone's cell

and I hope all his opera records are broken.

Now, vamoose!

Where you going?

You told me to vamoose.

Aren't you gonna fix my breakfast first?

Is Mr. Unger here?

Yes. Yes, here.

Would you step this way, please?

Well, all these people are ahead of me.

You're next, Mr. Unger.

We've been waiting for you.

Ah.

Tell me about this guy Ferret.

Is he a tough cookie?

Pretty tough.

Well, he's met his match now,

I'll tell you that.

Pushing innocent people around?

Sit down, Mr. Unger.

Thank you.

Y...

Oh. When when I saw the name Lee Ferret, I...

I thought it was a Mr. Ferret, but... but it's not.

What is it? Mrs. Ferret?

Miss Ferret?

Ms. Ferret?

Mr. Unger, in looking over your, uh... tax return,

I found a small discrepancy.

I make out the finest tax return of anybody I know!

Now, look at it. Look at it.

Nice, big, clear printing, different-color inks,

all the sevens the same size.

Oh, yes. That's very considerate of you.

But you investigate me.

Why don't you investigate people like my roommate?

He fills out his return any old way.

He sends it in a month late.

Some years, he doesn't send it in at all.

But do you investigate Oscar Madison?

No. You investigate Felix Unger.

What are you laughing at?

Mr. Unger, I didn't think you'd get that upset.

You have a beautiful tax return.

The nicest one I've ever seen.

Cover and everything.

In fact, we're thinking of putting it on display in the waiting room

instead of the one that's there now.

And well you should.

There's just one thing.

Yes?

You forgot to sign your check.

That's all?

That's why Uncle Sam wants me?

That's all.

You mean I can walk in the sun again?

You can walk anywhere you like, Mr. Unger.

Well, why did you send me a special delivery letter

in the middle of the night and scare me half to death?

You could have mailed me this.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience

but, you see, I sent that letter myself.

We wanted to meet you personally.

Come on in, everybody! Mr. Unger is here.

We wanted to shake the hand of the man

who sends in the most beautiful tax return

year after year after year.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

Many happy returns! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Well, I'm glad things ended so easily.

Mr. Unger, just one more thing. Yes?

That person you mentioned...

The one who doesn't care what he puts down on his tax return?

Who?

Mr. Oscar Madison? Who?

No, no. I... No. I...

Don't pay any attention to anything I said.

When I... when I get excited, I invent imaginary roommates.

I think... What was the name? What was that?

Oscar Madison. Oscar Madison. Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.

I live alone.

Carol, will you bring me in the files on Oscar Madison?

You mean all they wanted was for you to sign the check?

Yes.

Weren't you crazy to be so worried?

Well, you know me. I'm the zany, wacky guy.

Felix, I want to thank you.

I want to tell you, you made my favorite...

That Mexican food... With tamales, chili con carne.

Everything I love.

Well, you only live once.

You're priceless.

Mmm...

I ought to be more like you.

You know, you don't let little crazy things upset you. You...

You roll with the old punches.

I get the feeling I'm being greased.

Now, what are you leading up to?

I'm leading up to dessert, and I fixed a very,

very special one.

Well, that's lovely.

Every Mexican restaurant I know,

well, they always serve you this. It's marvelous.

Bananas flambé.

Or burnt bananas.

You're marvelous! So uninhibited.

Who else would light a cigar on a dessert

a man spends four hours preparing?

You got cool. That's what you've got.

Felix, come on, come on, come on.

Now, what's with you tonight? What are you doing?

Come in, Murray.

Oh. Hi, Felix.

Hi, Oscar.

I invited him.

Come on in. Good to see you.

We'll have a nice evening.

Did you bring your gun?

Good. Good.

Have a cup of coffee.

Isn't this nice to have a little social visit?

See? We don't have many chances

to get together like this and-and chat, you know?

Chat? What is this, the Virginia Graham show?

What are we going to chat about?

Well, anything.

We'll talk about, oh, advances in police science

and criminology.

That's not nice, Felix. Murray's here.

Let's talk about something we can all discuss.

Did you tell him yet?

Loose lips sink ships.

Tell me what, Loose Lips?

All right, the shaft's over.

Wait, wait. What is it? What?

Oscar, something very funny happened. What?

When I think of it, I start laughing. What happened?

When he told me, I got hysterical!

Tell me. I could use a laugh.

What is it, Murray? Come on.

Laughter is contagious, isn't it?

Let me in on the contagion, too.

What is it? What happened? What? Tell me.

What?!

When I was down at the Bureau of... Revenue...

Come on.

What?

Well, I inadvertently said to them that

instead of investigating me, they ought to investigate you.

And they're going to do it.

Mr. Madison, this is impossible.

You want more records?

No, no, no, no.

You see, you're supposed to list each receipt separately,

not keep a running total for the year.

Oh, well, do the best you can. Come on.

I'm doing the best I can.

I... I've been looking at receipts on...

on the back of cocktail napkins, matchbook covers,

footballs, basketballs, hockey pucks... I quit.

Wait a minute!

You promised me that no job was too big for you to handle.

And you promised me that I was going to take care

of your income tax, not clean up your room.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just bring the tax examiner in here

and plead insanity?

No wonder he got confused.

These are my 1968 receipts.

Let's see.

"Item 28.

"Subtract earned income from item 13 on form B.

Form B... from accrued interest on form nine."

Now, where did I put form nine?

Form nine is the tricky one.

Who asked you?

Just pack your pots and pans and get out, like I told you!

I can't do this!

All right, five and four are eight and...

Five and four are nine.

Thank you, and keep your mouth shut!

I'll give you the mark of the squealer.

I just don't want you to get in trouble

with the T-men, that's all.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Do you want me to do that for you?

What?!

Do you want me to do that for you?

Yeah.

You do want me to do that for you?

Don't ask me to repeat it.

I'm very bad at humble.

No more outbursts.

No more outbursts, and I'm sorry.

Look at this. I'm apologizing to the squealer.

Nobody can stay mad at Felix Unger very long.

I'm hard to hate. You know why?

Because I'm your friend.

Yeah. A stranger would walk out on you,

but friends stay together.

The old Felix-Oscar team.

We're together again!

I want you to look at form B.

We're going to plough through this! Yeah.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

And another, "Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm!".

Say something encouraging, will you, Felix?

Well, there's always parole.

That's a laugh.

Now, who is Irwin Weintraub?

My bookie.

You can't list your bookie as a dependent.

Yes, I can. I read that tax book.

If you're responsible for more than half

of the financial support of any person, he's a dependent!

No.

Whose side are you on?

Now, you have $1.50 here for cleaning and pressing,

but you don't have a date.

It's for the whole year.

You don't list your outside income.

What outside income?

Well, the money you made when...

outside of the newspaper.

I don't have any of that.

What about those magazine articles you wrote?

Oh, yeah. Those.

What about that book you helped ghostwrite?

Oh, yeah. That.

"Oh yeah. Those. Oh, yeah. That."

Is that what you're going to tell them

tomorrow down at the office?

No. I'm gonna tell them

I got a roommate who's a squealer!

I might have known you'd get around to blaming this on me.

What are you talking about?

I always blamed you. I never stopped blaming...!

You realize you finked on me to the United States Government?

But you forgave me.

I never forgave you.

I never said "forgiving."

I said, if you helped, you could stay.

I never mentioned the word "forgive."

So you're just using me.

Aw...!

Come on. What about your return?

I haven't finished yet.

Forget it!

I'm gonna go down there, throw myself at their mercy,

and take my chances!

Why don't you call Irwin Weintraub?

With your chances, he'd give you great odds.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!

She's giving me another, "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!"

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!

Now she's back to, "Mm, hmm."

Mr. Madison, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

You have?

Yes. I couldn't wait to meet the man

whose tax return has kept us all laughing for days.

Is that all me there?

That's all you for the last eight years.

Eight years?

Some of this stuff is priceless!

Mr. Madison, you have the worst tax returns

I have ever seen in my life.

I've had winos throw in neater returns on a brick.

Do you want me to take them and do them over?

No.

You get one chance by yourself.

After that, we do it for you.

Now, this is how much you owe

the United States Government.

Do you take credit cards?

I don't have this kind of money.

Oh, we don't like to hear that.

I didn't enjoy saying it.

I'll just have to turn this over

to our legal department.

Legal department?

Yes?

Mr. Unger is out here, and says he must see you right away.

Tell him I can't talk to him now. I'm b...

I'm sorry to barge in. Mr. Unger,

will you kindly wait outside? But I've got something here

that can crack this case wide open.

Perfect ending to a perfect day.

I've gone over this man's records

with a fine-tooth comb,

and according to my figures,

you owe Mr. Madison $94.17.

We owe him?

Yes. You're gonna get her mad, don't get her mad.

You subtract what Oscar owes you

from this figure, and you'll get $94.17.

What are you talking about?

Did you know that this man was once married?

Oh, of course, I know that.

I didn't know that.

Did you know that he pays alimony every month?

Oh boy, do I know that?

I didn't know that.

Do you know that alimony is deductible?

I know that.

I didn't know that.

Here are his cancelled alimony checks

for the past eight years.

Oh, come to think of it,

I do remember you used to file a joint return.

Well, didn't you ever wonder what happened to his wife?

Looking at the way he keeps his records,

I just figured he lost her somewhere.

Thank you very much, Mr. Unger.

My pleasure, Mrs. Ferret.

Hey,

where'd you find those alimony checks?

They were in a shoe box marked gambling losses.

Felix, you were so terrific!

I really came in like the Lone Ranger

at the last minute and saved the day!

You sure did.

You know I dream of doing that.

I dream of winning the game

in the last minute with a touchdown... Yeah.

Hitting a home run at the last second.

What do you dream about?

Living alone.