Original subtitles

Now, we shall feast.

Where's Oscar now?

He said he had to make a phone call.

He makes a phone call after every course.

Well, at least he won't get lost.

He leaves a trail of food.

There's the appetizer, there's the salad, there's the soup.

Oscar, it's time to come in and spill your main course.

Felix, please calm down.

The soup could've used more salt.

Why didn't you crunch some potato chips into it?

I did.

Are you ready for your main course?

Ready? I'm starving.

We've been here for an hour,

we had the unsalted soup, uh... sardine on half a cracker.

Look at Murray. He's ready to gnaw at the table.

Is that true, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Felix. I'm trained to endure.

Endure?

Next time you come over, it'll be cookies and cream soda.

What night?

Can we eat now?

First you've got to taste the wine.

Do you mind if I stay with the beer?

Wine gives me cramps.

Charming, isn't it?

Fine, drink beer.

You wouldn't appreciate this anyway.

Your palate committed suicide years ago.

Now... No, no! Don't drink it yet!

No, not yet.

No. First we've got to taste it the way the wine tasters do.

Now, we taste for three things.

For the aroma, the taste

and the aftertaste.

Now, first we smell it.

Mm!

Can you smell the flower of the fruit? Yes.

Now, we take a little in our mouths,

but we don't swallow it, we roll it around.

And then we aerate it through our heads

and get the fumes.

Now, here we go.

Mm... Mm... Mm.

You look like an elephant at a water hole.

And let it rest on your tongue.

Why don't you let something rest on your tongue,

like the roof of your mouth?

Can we eat?

Did you ever know of anyone so... Swallow.

Isn't that good?

Yeah. Isn't that a delicious wine?

I must say, the squab looks wonderful.

Ah, well, I figured that since Lord Chesterfield here

was dressing for the occasion, I'd go all out.

Will you look at that?

He treats everything as if it's a cheeseburger.

Do you have to drown it in ketchup?

I'm not drowning it, I'm saving it.

Exactly what do you mean by that?

That means why don't you cook food that people like?

Like chili con carne, and chili hot dogs, tamales...

Murray's a person, Miriam's a person.

What you're talking about is ulcer food.

To tell you the truth, Felix...

I'm getting a terrible headache.

I'm going to have to go up to my apartment.

Oh, no. Please, please, Miriam.

Yeah, I got to go. Oh, come on, Murray.

I'm not feeling too good.

Oh, come on. Neither one of you even touched the squab.

Will you come for dinner next Friday?

I... may have made other plans.

Yeah, me, too.

Uh... uh... I got to take the dog in for shots.

Bye. Good night.

You see what you did?!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I drove them away. I love that.

Yeah, you... you and your compulsive behavior.

You drive everybody crazy.

Listen to the pot calling the kettle compulsive.

Okay. That's it. I'll see you later.

What? What? What?

And since you've driven everybody away,

the least you can do is help me clean up.

I'll do anything to keep your mouth shut.

What do you want me to do?

You clear the table.

I'll get the vacuum cleaner.

Whoops.

Get your feet up!

Good morning, Felix.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

I just wanted you to see

what you look like when you eat.

I don't want to watch myself eat.

I have to watch you eat.

Last night, Miriam had to watch you eat.

Murray had to watch you eat.

I just want you to see

how ridiculous you look in the mornings.

I got chilly in the middle of the night.

Come in.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Mr. M.

Myrna, come in. Have some coffee.

Thanks.

You dressed for an outdoor pajama party?

You got the articles? Yeah.

Then sit, sip and shut up.

You're not going to get me mad this morning, Mr. M.

I was at my group therapy last night

and I really feel good.

They're all sicker than me.

Terrific.

And you know, I don't twirl my hair anymore.

Remember how I used to twirl my hair?

What's the mirror for?

You're shaving at the table to save time?

Where's the ketchup?

What for?

I want to kill the taste of this toast.

What's the matter with the toast?

It's too light. I like it dark.

No, it's not. It's the right color.

Dark toast makes too many crumbs.

And why do you cut the edges off?

That's my favorite part!

What do you want the edges for?

To keep the jam from falling off!

I like it!

There's nothing the matter with this toast.

This is good toast.

Ooh-hoo-hoo, I want you to look at yourself. Ooh!

I want you to look! I want you to look when you eat?

Nim-nim-nim-nim, with your lips, like a bunny rabbit!

Bunny rabbit!

Did you ever?

You know, I...

Do you have to make that awful noise when you swallow?

What noise?

It's disgusting.

It sounds like a sink backing up.

I've always swallowed like this.

And I've always hated it.

Oh... do you have to click your fork on your teeth?

It's like eating with Jose Greco.

Oh, look at the way be wipes his mouth...

Just the corners!

Scrambled egg or something right there.

I'd rather live with a goat.

Nobody was stopping you!

If you'll excuse me, I'm getting a-a-a headache

from all this polite chatter.

I'll-I'll see you later at the office.

A headache so early in the morning?

I get headaches all the time.

Because you spend the night before

trying to out-drink all of Manhattan,

the Bronx and Staten Island, too.

Don't sing. Please! Don't sing! Mr. M? Mr. Unger?

You know, this is just like my group therapy.

Only nobody's getting better.

Bye.

Well, we did it again.

Did what?

We just drove Myrna out of here.

I'll survive.

Oscar, at this rate,

we're going to wind up all alone,

two wretched old men,

forgotten by the world, with no friends.

Huddled in this room in our shawls.

Mine clean, yours filthy.

And nobody will know we're here.

Terrific.

So when I kill you, nobody'll find the body.

What's the matter? You really look depressed.

I'm tired. I was up most of the night.

On account of a female?

I should have been so lucky.

On account of a Felix.

Again, 4:00 in the morning with the vacuum cleaner.

It's like living with a gigantic mosquito.

Surprise!

The bad humor man.

I beg your pardon?

I'll take lunch now.

Play nice, don't fight,

don't hit or yell.

All right, Felix, what is it? Make it snappy.

I don't have time to hide your corpse

before Myrna gets back.

Well, I thought we could have a little bit of a truce

and something of a picnic lunch.

Lunch with you is no picnic.

If that's the way you feel, buddy, fine.

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Besides, I'm hungry.

But no lectures on sloppiness, okay?

All right, no lectures.

Listen. I had the most fantastic day today.

Guess what I did. What?

I bought a book.

That new bestseller on psychiatry:

"Finding Your Marbles."

"Finding Your Marbles"?

Yeah, it's by the author of "I'm Okay, You're Not."

Yeah? What's it about?

It's a... It's about that.

It's about mayonnaise?

No. About gestures.

Now, this may sound bizarre to you,

but that gesture indicates a desire

to get rid of something.

What about this gesture?

Are you going to start all over again, Felix?

I thought you'd be interested.

Well, I'm not.

Now, that's very interesting.

Again I'm interesting. What'd I do now?

Tell me... have you always thrown your food?

Now, what kind of a screwball question is that?

Significant question.

Most people who throw their food

do so from the subconscious fear that if they don't,

later they may sit on it.

What is that? Chapter Five?

Come on, will you?

Come here, come here, come here.

What do you see?

Dried mustard. No, no, no, no.

But what do you see?

You see, a great deal of one's personality

can be told by the interpretation one finds

in indiscriminate shapes.

Now, what do you see there?

You trying to trick me? No, no.

We don't make judgments.

This is just a simple exercise.

I'm curious. Tell me, now.

Use your imagination.

No judgments.

That looks like a duck.

Oscar, you're a deeply disturbed man.

No judgments.

Cut the charade, Felix. You're a lousy analyst.

I'm just trying to wake you up to the fact

that you need help.

I'll wake up if you guarantee

that when I do you won't be there.

Yes, and then we'll still have

the same old problems, pal of mine.

Let's face it.

We couldn't live with our wives.

We can't live together... Oh...

Felix, what do you want from me?

Let's try group therapy.

Group therapy?! Yes.

Who needs group therapy?

I love my mother. I do, you do.

No.

I'm going.

All right. All right.

You'll stay home,

and you'll stew in your psychoses,

and you'll watch your room ferment.

Why do I need a lot of loonies to tell me somebody's crazy?

Come to think of it, Felix,

that's a very intriguing idea.

I want to see if I'm good at it.

We'll play, "Can You Figure This Out," all right?

I want you to figure out... I'm going to set something up.

I want you to figure it out.

You wait out here,

because I want to set up, all right?

Now, you wait, okay? Yeah.

All right, now, I want you to figure this out.

Okay.

Now.

What did I do?

Oscar, I know what you did.

Yes?

Dr. Able?

Yes. I'm Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, Mr. Unger.

Come in. How do you do?

Sit down.

Thank you, thank you.

Myrna told me about you.

She did?

What did she tell you?

That you were coming to the session tonight.

Ah.

Well, I'm a little early.

That's... that's a healthy sign, isn't it?

Being early?

I don't know.

Tell me... what do you do?

Nothing unusual.

I'm perfectly normal.

I mean, for a living.

Oh.

I'm a commercial photographer, portraits a specialty.

Uh-huh. I take pictures.

Nothing dirty.

Doctor, I... I feel that I can be

completely open with you.

I hope so.

I'm not here about myself.

Oh?

It's about a friend of mine.

His name is Oscar Madison.

Excuse me.

Dr. Able, I'm Oscar Madison.

Oscar.

Felix.

I thought you weren't coming.

Ah, well, I got curious,

I found I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop in.

Eh, Myrna Turner's my secretary.

She said you wouldn't mind.

I guess not, uh...

but since this is your first meeting with the group,

I'd rather you didn't participate.

Mm-hmm. Just observe.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Mm, changed your mind, heh?

No, I didn't change my mind.

Don't sit on the arm of the chair!

I still think it's ridiculous.

Well, I'm glad you came.

I'm proud of you. Well, don't be.

I'm just going to sit on the sidelines, not get involved,

and I'm going to watch what happens.

Don't eat the doctor's candy!

Ever since I was 16, I've had this problem.

Men seem to want me only for my body.

Animals. Animals.

I have a terrible time.

I mean, I can't hide what I look like,

but that's all that men seem to see. Yes.

And then when they stare at me that way...

my eye begins to twitch.

Of course. I can understand that.

I don't want to be just another pretty face.

I do.

Look at that. Look at that.

Did you ever see anybody so inconsiderate?

In a room full of people, without permission,

he lights a cigar.

Oh-oh-oh, now watch him honk.

Here comes the honking.

A flock of geese, you're gonna think, flew by.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Oh, with the spray.

Gents.

Put the cigar out!

I'll put it out.

Go ahead, Marie.

Thank you, um...

Ah, I'd like to work on a dream that I had this morning.

Uh-huh.

It was really a wonderful dream.

I dreamed that I was standing naked

before the 409th Field Artillery Division

and they were only interested in my mind.

They wanted to talk to me.

Well, I felt I was making progress.

Good.

Yes, but you're completely ignoring

the meaning of the dream, my dear child.

How can you overlook what the artillery stands for?

That's impossible. Mr. Unger, you're interrupting.

You see? You're doing it.

You set yourself up as an authority.

You're a walking encyclopedia. I don't set myself up...

Yes, you do. This girl came here for help, right?

Yes, but not from you, from the doctor. All right,

but anybody can see what her problem is. Anybody?!

Okay, stop! Stop it!

That's enough interpersonal encounter,

Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison.

Look what you're doing to the group.

Marie's eye is twitching.

Harold's eating a candy bar.

Myrna's twirling her hair again.

Please, wait in the other room.

But what did I do?

Just wait in the other room until the session is over.

Then I'll talk with you.

You did it again.

The ultimate humiliation...

Kicked out of group therapy.

Good night, Myrna.

Good night.

I owe you one.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison.

Will you step in here, please?

I'm sorry I had to do that,

but you were a disrupting influence with the group.

Doctor, what are we going to do?

Well, I have a suggestion, if you're interested.

Yes, yes. Not me.

Oh, come on, maybe you'll learn something.

Well, we sometimes do a thing called

role reversal in group therapy.

Role reversal.

Yes, yes, that's in chapter seven.

Oh, you read that book, too.

Yes. Yes.

Well, as I see it, neither one of you recognize

your responsibility in this conflict.

You blame each other. You got it.

Thank you.

Using role reversal...

You being him, him being you... Often helps.

Oscar... what are you doing?

Wipe your feet.

I did.

Well, wipe them again.

You're not coming into this clean apartment

with city soot on your shoes.

What's got into you?

Oscar.

If you want to talk to me,

call me by my rightful name.

I'm Felix.

Well, Felix was never so stupid

as to put on his tuxedo to do housework.

I'm Felix, and you're late,

and our guests will be here any minute.

All right, if you want role reversal,

I'll give you role reversal.

If that's what you want, here... watch this.

It's like living in a locker room.

I had a miserable day, buddy, so don't bug me.

Just put the chow on the table.

Wash your hands.

Want me to wash my hands, I'll wash my hands.

He's going to wash in the kitchen sink.

What do you want me to do in the kitchen sink?

Don't you dare.

Where're the towels?

In the drawer with the doilies.

Never mind.

Oh, not on the...!

How could I do such a thing?!

The last two yards.

Well, at least we're going to have a wonderful dinner,

if my fondue doesn't curdle.

You got to keep beating it.

It's my fondue, and you're Oscar.

Then put some ketchup in it.

Something smells good.

I'm baking a strawberry fudge cake.

So don't stomp too hard, or it'll fall.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Who's coming for dinner?

Your opera group to listen to a bunch of screaming Italians?

No, Miriam and Murray.

They're our objective observers.

Murray, bring your nose in here.

You're breathing up all the air in the hall.

You're right, they're really doing it.

Gee, Felix, I've never seen you looking so rotten.

You make a perfect Oscar.

Oscar, we're here, just like you asked.

Oh, just like I asked, just like I asked.

Did I ask you to come five minutes late?

How am I to throw a successful party if my guests come late?

I work my fingers to the bone, no one appreciates it at all.

Stop muttering and put the chow on the table.

I'm running this party, and there'll be no enjoyment.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

No, Miriam, I want you to sit there.

Murray, you'll sit there.

You know, and you'll... Oh, I wish I had my...

Who cares where they sit?!

I don't care where I sit, as long as I sit in front of food.

Now, I opened the wine,

and it's been breathing for eight minutes.

Now, if we don't drink it in the next 43 seconds,

it is going to go flat.

Here's a dollar, buy another three bottles.

Murray! FELIX: Murray.

No dunking.

Sip it slowly.

I want some beer.

Swallow, swallow.

Did you like the wine?

Mm-hmm. Did you absolutely love it?

Were you thrilled by it?

Remember, you're dealing with a compulsive nut

who could crack at any minute.

Look at this.

Now, that's what I call eats.

All over my rug!

Oh, and I vacuumed so hard.

At 4:00 in the morning,

even when people are watching television.

The air is too fresh in here.

I need a cheap cigar.

You're trying to tell me you don't like my cigar?

Just speak up.

I don't like your cigar.

Is that your wine? Yes.

In my wine, I don't believe it.

I'm not going to ruin good beer.

Did you see what... he's going to ruin my party.

I can't stand it.

My sinuses.

Now that's no fair.

That is...

That's not fair, making fun of a man's afflictions.

That's... Oh, what about me? You exaggerated.

I don't spill beer all over everything.

Of course you do. You stain every...

That is a lie! Look at that.

Look at that. What is that?

Columbus Day two years ago.

Prove it! Prove it! Oh, come on.

There's one thing in role reversal,

and there's another thing in just take...

Why you know that... Wait.

Please don't. I'm getting another headache.

You see, you're giving her a headache.

You're the one who gave her the headache. You're the one

who's been carrying on like a... No. Stop it.

Neither one of you gave me a headache.

You both did. We both did?

That's right.

It isn't the smoking or the spraying

or any of the things you do.

It's the fighting and the constant arguing

we can't stand. Is that right, Murray?

Ditto.

Well, Felix?

I think maybe she's right.

Look, if... if we try hard,

real hard not to fight,

Yeah. Won't you stay, please?

He cooked for three hours.

We won't fight. I swear we won't.

We'll really try. We'll make up.

Yeah. We'll dip the fork of friendship

in Oscar's fondue. Yeah.

Do you realize this is the first time in three years

I've lived here that he's cooked anything?

I got the recipe out of the "Hobo News."

You're going to love it. Oh, it really does smell good.

Oh, it's sensational. Wait'll you taste it.

Needs ketchup.

You know, it behooves us to ask ourselves,

what did we learn from this experience?

And I learned something.

I learned how I seem to you.

"Would that God the gift He give us,

to see ourselves as others see us."

Think of that.

You really had me down right.

It was great, it was really...

One thing, though.

I think I sing a little bit better than you.