Original subtitles

Hi, Felix. Murray.

I'm here for my chess lesson.

Oh, Murray, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me, I should have told you.

The chess lesson's cancelled tonight. Why?

My daughter Edna's visiting me.

Oh, that's nice.

How is she?

She's... she's-she's fine.

She's only here for the weekend.

I want to spend as much time as I can with her.

I understand, Felix, but we're in the middle of a game.

I made my move... Pawn to king four.

That's a famous Russian defense play.

Checkmate.

I'll never beat Bobby Fischer.

Well, start slowly with Eddie Fisher.

See you next week.

Edna?

Edna?

Was that Uncle Oscar?

No, no. He'll be here soon.

His plane's late. What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh, why don't you come on in, help me clean up.

Come on.

What do you feel like doing tonight?

Well, I wanted to watch television in my room.

Oh, you can do that any time.

I get to see you so seldom.

Let's make it something special, huh?

Well, I like television.

That's all you do... Watch television.

Don't you have any other interests?

Come on, let's talk.

I've got a lot of catching up to do with you.

What do you do most of the time?

Oh, hack around.

You've got a cough?

Your mother didn't tell me that.

No, that means, you know, hack around.

Well, where do you hack?

Oh... around.

Hmm... Please don't do that.

You're really growing up, aren't you?

Have you given any thought to what you'd like to be?

No.

Hmm. Well, what do you like to do?

Hack around. Don't do that.

I know what let's do.

I know, let's sit over here and play some records.

You still like music, don't you?

Well, yeah, but I don't have my records here.

Well, good, we'll play my records.

Well, yours are all opera, they're in Italian,

and I don't understand the words.

Well, your records are in English,

and I don't understand the words.

Well, I'd like to watch television.

But there's so many things in this world to do.

What?

Well, I...

Anything. Ask me any subject.

I'm... I'm an expert on every one of them.

I'm multi-subjectival.

I can't think of anything to say.

Are you getting everything you want out of life?

Are you missing anything?

Well, just my TV shows.

Can I come in and chat with you during the commercials?

Sure.

Four hours stacked up over Kennedy Airport.

Four hours.

Two stewardesses reached retirement,

refused us service.

I'm exhausted.

Make me a sandwich, will ya?

My daughter hates me.

I'm thinking of jumping out the window.

Leave the sandwich on the ledge.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, you're always exaggerating.

Edna doesn't hate you.

Well, I can't talk to her about anything.

She won't talk to me.

She has absolutely no interests whatsoever.

I just... Well, talk about not having anything to talk about.

Felix, I have to unpack.

Leave me alone, will you?

I'd help you, but I don't have a shovel.

I don't understand.

I can't make her laugh anymore.

I said funny things like, "I'm multi-subjectival."

Nothing.

Here, I brought you some slippers from the plane.

You wore them home?

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Uncle Oscar.

Hey, I brought you a present.

You stole a life preserver?

No, we blew it up,

we played ringtoss in the aisles.

Neat-o, I can use it as a TV pillow.

You see? I'm not here.

I just... I don't exist for her.

Felix, I'm starving.

Make me something to eat, then we'll talk about it.

My heart is breaking, he talks about eating.

We'll talk about your heart breaking

over something to eat, then.

You going to hang up your bag?

I'm sure there's plenty of room in your closet.

And unpack it... Oh, stop saying that, will you?

It was a bad night as it was, four hours over Kennedy,

it rained... If you treated those properly...

and I think I picked up the wrong bag.

Darling, do you think it's the best idea in the world

for you to watch Uncle Oscar eat?

You could be scarred for life.

Did you have fun in Chicago, Uncle Oscar?

Yeah. FELIX: Tell us about Chicago.

What did you do in Chicago?

Oh, hacked around.

What else did you do?

Oh, this and that.

You go anyplace special?

Yeah... here and there.

But mostly hacked around.

Wow, what a great trip.

Where are you going?

Back to the TV.

The commercial's over.

Nothing wrong with her.

We have great conversations.

Since when have you been hacking around?

What's the matter with you? She talks.

She just doesn't want to have a deep, intellectual conversation

every minute of every day.

I only get to see her on weekends.

All she's interested in is TV.

She likes David Cassidy more than me.

So do I.

All right, what can I do?

Help me. How?

Help me to find out whatever it is she's interested in,

then I'll get interested in it,

and I can become part of her life.

Why don't you get her involved

with something that you're interested in,

make her part of your life? Oh... I tried, I tried.

I tried to get her interested in opera, ballet.

Gloria said I was forcing artistic things down her throat.

She's right.

Well, I was willing to compromise.

I watched TV with her.

The Six Wives of Henry VIII.

The only part she liked was when they chopped the heads off.

That was the best part.

Felix, she's just a kid.

Don't you remember when you were a kid?

Or were you born stuffy?

I don't know.

Maybe I was.

I'm a boring father.

I suppose I was a boring child, too.

Whenever we played house, I was always the butler.

But now you're a success.

Does she know about your work?

She knows I'm a commercial photographer,

portraits a specialty.

Yes, but has she ever seen you do it?

Maybe she'd become interested in photography.

I'll do it.

I'll take her with me to work.

I'm doing a portrait tomorrow. Good.

Edna, is there a commercial yet?

Well, you're going to have a lot of fun with your old man.

You mean you're really going to let me help?

Absolutely. You're my chief assistant, yes.

No, darling, you don't put the light meter around your neck.

That goes around Daddy's neck.

There we go.

Sweetheart, be careful.

That's a good lamp.

Darling, what are you doing?

I told you, be careful.

Now, go say good-bye to your Uncle Oscar.

Uncle Oscar? Yeah, honey.

Are you going to coach your boy's club team today?

Yeah, this afternoon. You want to come and watch?

Sure, I'd like that. Okay, I'll pick you up about 1:00.

Well, we'll see about that. We're going to a man's house.

Maybe you'll want to stay all day and watch me work.

Maybe. I'm doing the portrait

of a big insurance salesman and his family.

I've never met him.

Isn't that interesting?

I meet many new people in my business.

Won't it be fun to meet new people with me, sweetheart?

I guess.

What's the address?

Three River Drive.

Here we go.

No, sweetheart, don't take my bag.

Daddy will take the bag. You just take the lamp.

That's it. Be careful, darling.

You nicked both the door and the lamp.

Here we go, darling. We're going to have fun.

Yeah, you're going to have fun!

You're going to have a great time, a barrel of laughs!

I hope they have TV.

How do you do?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Brian Albertson.

You must be the photographer.

Yes, yes. Won't you come in?

My wife and I will be ready in one minute.

Fine, fine.

Daddy, he's a... He's a client.

Darling, this is a wonderful opportunity

for you to see me at work.

Now, you'll see how I put them completely at their ease.

That's the secret of a good portrait.

Well, what should I do?

Don't stare.

He's so cute.

I'd like to pick him up.

None of that.

What are you doing, sweetheart?

That's not a toy. Don't play with that.

This lamp is set, sweetheart...

Can I look in the camera?

Yes, sweetheart, of course you can.

That's what I want you to do.

I want you to find out how Daddy works, sweetheart.

Darling, looking in the camera

and putting your fingers on the lens

are not the same thing.

Looking is one thing.

Touching the lens is something else again, sweetheart.

Now, I want you to see how Daddy

looks in the camera, and you'll see, sweetheart...

You're standing on a wire, sweetheart.

That's the second time you've stood on a wire.

Are your shoes too thick?

You can't feel wire through them,

is that what it is, sweetheart? No.

Then don't stand on a wire.

Now I think we're all set.

Sweetheart, are you feeling heat

on the back of your neck?

Uh-huh.

That's because you're standing in front of a lamp, darling.

Don't stand... Stand over here.

Don't... Hop over the wire.

Hop over the other wire. There you are, sweetheart.

Now I think we're just about set.

Ready, Mr. Unger?

Any time you're ready, Mr. Albertson.

Yes, sir.

Now you just watch me.

Don't stare, you'll see.

Mr. Unger, this is my wife.

Oh. Oh. So very nice to meet you.

Yes.

And I'd like you to meet

my very able assistant, Edna Unger.

Your wife? Hello.

No, this is my daughter.

Oh. She's tall for her age.

Hello.

She's going to help me by standing on a wire.

Do we look all right?

Oh, yes. I just love your little suit...

your-your tie is so perfect.

Just nice. Yes. Thank you.

All right, Mrs. Albertson, would you like to hop up...

would you like to get on the chair?

There you go. That's nice.

Mr. Albertson, would you stand over here,

right here next to her?

And I think we'll be all set.

Yes, we are.

A little close, a little close.

There we are. That's nice.

That's very, very good.

All right, now, we're just about set.

All right, that looks very good. Now...

Oh, wait, wait!

Our son is coming.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

This is a family portrait, isn't it?

Wilfred! FELIX: Ah.

I should like very much to meet Wilfred.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, you're perfectly nor... You're...

Well, uh, stand over here.

And you'll be fine now.

And we're all getting ready. Now...

Now, here we are. That's it.

And there is Wilfred...

and there is Mr. And Mrs. Albertson.

And there is Wilfred.

And there's...

All right, now, Wilfred, could you just scrooch down

just a little bit? A little bit lower.

A little bit lower. That's fine.

That's right.

No, no, no. My assistant will get it.

We're all fine now, and here... Hi, Edna.

We're going to start the game a little earlier, so...

Oh. Oh, what an honor!

Oscar Madison, the sportswriter. Come in.

Don't stare, don't stare...

And there we are.

Drop your glove.

What? Trust me, drop your glove.

Now, pick it up.

Mrs. Albertson, this is Oscar Madison.

Hello.

And this is their son Wilfred.

Up for Wilfred. Up for Wilfred?

Yes. Wilfred, how are you?

Good to see you. There you go.

Yes, there we are. Pick it up, pick it up.

And this is Mr. Albertson.

How are you, Mr. Albertson?

Is that it? That's it, yes.

Oscar Madison.

Hey, we read your column.

Thank you. Nice to know you all.

Don't stare, don't stare, don't stare.

Dad, can I go to the game with Uncle Oscar?

But you haven't seen me make the portrait yet, sweetheart.

Oh, yeah, we've got time

for a couple of pictures, okay?

All right, stand over here.

Don't step on the wire, don't step on the wire.

Here we go. Don't stare. There we are.

Now, everybody, now, scrooch down, Wilfred.

Now, I think we're all set. Good.

Now, everybody, nice big smile.

Relax, easy.

Everybody say midget!

Ah-ha! No! I didn't say that.

No. I mean, say cheese.

Oh, here...

Nice to meet you, Mr. Albertson. Yeah.

Be sure to be home by midnight, son.

Yeah.

And when you bring the car back,

don't forget to pull the seat up.

Oh, that son of mine!

He just won't talk to me.

Edna'd rather go watch a ball game

than watch me take pictures, but...

It's my fault, of course.

It's all my fault.

Mr. Albertson, I'd like to apologize...

Aw, forget it.

Once you stopped being so uptight,

we had a very good session.

Well, it'll be a good portrait, I know that.

I'm a good photographer.

I'm just not a very good father, I'm afraid.

Ooh, it's hard to be a parent.

I...

I just can't seem to communicate with her.

Wilfred grunts.

Now-Now, how do you talk to grunts?

Edna has so few interests. I don't know.

When I was a kid, I loved photography, and I still do.

I guess the thing to do is wait

until they get excited about something,

and then help them all we can. Is that it?

Right. But the important thing is not to blame yourself.

You're a good man, Mr. Unger.

Thank you. Um...

Let's have a cup of coffee, huh?

Thank you!

I'm very glad I met you, Mr. Albertson.

You're a very nice man.

The smaller they are, the nicer they are.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, say, Mr. Unger, uh,

have you thought about your insurance needs this year?

You know, we at Mutual of Rhode Island have a policy

which I think you'd be very much interested in. Hmm.

Shall we go talk about it? Yeah.

Well, it's the sort of thing a man does put off, I know...

I still think the third baseman's cuter.

Billy Parks? He looks like a chipmunk.

I like his personality.

Hey, what about that Eddie Thomas?

I think he's got eyes for you.

I think I'll wait till he gets rid of his braces.

Hey, honey, are you really going to see this thing through? Sure.

Good. 'Cause it's going to make your father very happy.

He's been waiting for you

to take an interest in something, see?

Edna.

What happened? You're messy.

Just having a little fun, that's all.

The best thing happened today, Dad.

I know what I want to do.

I want to be an umpire.

Hmm, go. Go get cleaned up, sweetheart.

Better than hacking around.

At least she has an interest.

I'm grateful you didn't take her to the Pink Pussy Cat.

My daughter, the umpire.

Oh, Felix, this phase is going to last about 20 minutes.

She's only interested in baseball

because there are boys her age on the team, that's all.

She's in love with a boy who looks like a chipmunk.

So what should I do, stuff my cheeks with nuts?

You can stop worrying

about being a good parent or a bad parent.

Just be a conscientious parent.

She wants to be an umpire, go along with it.

Well, it is an interest, isn't it? It's something.

But I don't know anything about it.

Hey, maybe you'll teach me. No, come on, no.

Yeah. Then I could teach her.

Then we'd have something in common.

We could communicate.

Felix, I'd love to, but I got an interview this afternoon.

No, no! You want to interview me at the home for unloved fathers?

All right, but let's hurry up.

Yeah. What do I do if I'm an umpire?

Well, first you have to say, "Play ball."

Can you say that? Play ball!

Yeah, fine, that's it.

Nah, it should have a nice verbra...

♪ Play ball! ♪

Fine. Doesn't matter. Chesty voice.

Play ball! It doesn't matter.

Long as it's loud, long as they can hear you.

Play ball!

Good? That'll do.

They'll hear you. Okay, now...

When do I yell, "Play ball?"

Well, that's what starts the game...

Well, do they give me a cue so I know when to do it?

Oh, they play "The Star-Spangled Banner,"

then you yell, "Play ball." Uh, yeah.

Just do it, come on. Do what?

Come on. Let's rehearse it, and you sing it.

Sing it? Yeah, yeah, come on.

♪ O'er the land of the free... ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

♪ Brave. ♪

That's very touching, you know that?

What happened to "play ball"?

Play ball!

Okay, now look. What do we do?

Now, there are only two hand signals

you have to know, see... safe and out.

That's the only thing that's really important, okay?

So this is safe.

Safe!

Ah, not unlike the wingspread

of the California condor, isn't it?

Did you know that's an endangered species.

I'm going to endanger your species if you don't listen.

Now, do a safe. Come on.

And... safe!

What's with the Fred Astaire?

Come on, do a safe right.

Safe!

Now it's Gene Kelly.

Will you just... You can do a safe.

The second is out. This is out.

You're... out!

See, it's like you're hitchhiking,

You're... out! See?

What? What?

Wouldn't it be funny if the umpire did that

and a little car came out on the field,

he got in the car and drove away?

No.

No. Don't be petulant

just because the old Unger humor is bubbling to the surface.

Felix, I don't have much time.

Now, come on, we going to go?

Yes. So what else do we do?

Next thing you do, is you brush off the plate.

Oh! I'd like that.

I knew you would, good... yeah...

All right, that's enough.

Little spot there. Forget the spot, will you please?

Okay, now, this is the strike zone.

Get behind me, right here, see?

Now, the ball's got to hit any part...

There's a spot.

You want to dust it?

You want to dust it? Here. Dust it!

Polish it! And stuff it in your condor.

Eight, nine, ten.

Have you ever considered ballet?

Edna, hurry up, will you honey? We're going to be late!

Play ball!

Oh, Edna, you look terrific!

I can't get this tie straight, though.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Nobody'll notice. Let's go.

Hey, Oscar, is Felix going to meet us there?

No, he can't. He's photographing a wedding today.

Oh, that's too bad.

He's going to miss his daughter's

first ball game. I know...

Well, look at that! Look at that!

Hello, hello! Look how sweet she looks!

Oh, I couldn't stay away.

When I got to that wedding and I realized what I was missing,

I lent one of my cameras to the best man

and I came rushing over here.

Oh, you look just sweet, darling.

Your tie's a little crooked, sweetheart...

Gee, Dad, heh... what a nice surprise.

Well, now, don't rush until I get back.

I want to change into my baseball outfit

and I'll be right with you!

Play ball!

I just can't believe it! What did I do?

You set baseball back ten years! Oh, Oscar...

That's the first time I ever heard people

say "Kill the umpire's father"!

But that kid was a vicious...

He insulted my...

After that kid bit me, I went back in the stands!

Yeah, but after he stopped

chasing you, you came out onto the field again.

Well, the third baseman called my little girl cockeyed.

She has beautiful eyes.

She has my eyes.

You shouldn't have hollered at the kid.

Well, I was just teaching him

a lesson in manners, the little rowdy!

Look at that. Look at that!

He came through the living room with his spikes on.

How could you do such a thing?!

It's easy, see? You step, take another step...

Oh, no, don't, Oscar, no...

You're making holes in my rug, please.

Aw, you ruined the game and you embarrassed Edna!

Most people yell at the umpire, "Go soak your head."

You said, "Go fix your hair."

Her ribbon was coming loose...

I was trying so hard... aw...

I was trying so hard.

Now she'll never talk to me.

Good for her!

Uncle Oscar! I'm home!

You see? She doesn't even mention my name.

Here, Edna!

Is Dad here?

Yes, Edna.

I don't want to talk to him.

She hates me.

All right, wait here. I'll be right back.

No, but not with your spikes on.

Take your spikes... What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

Hi.

Hi.

Boy, Dad really goofed.

Yes, he did.

It's so embarrassing.

Was it really that important to you, Edna?

Being an umpire?

Well, sure. I guess so.

You know what I think?

I think it was a whim to impress Billy Parks.

You're right.

Billy didn't even like me in this outfit.

Neither did your father.

Then why did he buy it for me, and all the other stuff?

Because he loves you,

and he wants to share your interests with you,

even if he doesn't agree with them.

Listen, if you wanted to go into the circus, you know what?

I think he'd buy you an elephant.

If you wanted to be a hod carrier, he'd buy you a hod.

I mean, what other father

would buy a man's black suit for his daughter?

You want to talk to him?

She wants to talk to you.

Hello. Hello.

Why did you eject me from the ball park?

I'm sorry, Dad, but we never would have finished the game.

I tried, I really did try.

I know, and I appreciate it.

You mean well, but sometimes you're just a little...

I am?

I am, I am.

Sit down, Dad.

I'd rather have a father who bugs me

than a father who didn't care about me.

Thank you, darling.

Eddie Thomas told me that his dad's always away on business.

When he is home, he's too tired to play with him.

Eddie Thomas?

The boy who bit you.

Well, suppose I...

suppose I promised that I'll try to change.

I guess if you didn't bug me, I wouldn't love you.

Mm... I love you, too, sweetheart.

Would you do your old man a big favor? Sure.

Take off your spikes.

Not on the table, sweetheart, not on the table.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll be fine.

Remember everything I told you.

Work hard in school...

Yeah, I have to hurry, though.

Mom's waiting downstairs.

So long, Edna!

Bye, Uncle Oscar!

Give Leonard a great big kiss for me.

I will. Bye. Goodbye, sweetheart.

Now, take very good care of yourself.

Bye-bye. See you next week.

You know what she told me?

What?

She's going to hang up her mask and retire as an umpire.

You know what we're going to do next weekend?

What? Where you going?

We're just going to go here and there.

What are you going to do? This and that.

You going to do anything special? Just hack around.