Original subtitles

Ooh, Oscar!

Come on, Miriam.

Let's go to the sandbox.

Excuse us.

Sure.

More coffee? No, no more coffee.

I want to get out of here. Well,

how do you know I don't want more coffee?

You notice how I overlooked "sandbox"?

Tell me the truth, Felix.

What do you think of Mitzi?

She didn't say anything all evening.

Can she talk?

Who cares?

She listens sexy.

Listen, it's a second date with her, and I wanna be alone.

Okay? What do you want Miriam and me to do?

Move to another table?

No, I just don't want to hang around here.

I'll take care of the check, we'll leave,

you go your way, I'll go mine.

I get the picture. Right,

when they come back, you say you want to leave.

Leave it to me. All right, I wanna make sure.

So when I said I was crocheting an afghan.

She said, "Why don't you do something big?

Knit a St. Bernard."

You bring us our regular as usual, okay?

I couldn't believe that out of her,

'cause she always looked so stern.

Eee, it's them.

It's them! I recognize them

from TV! Who? What? Who? What?

It's them isn't it, Oscar? What?

Yeah, it's them. Check, will ya? What? What?

Right over there! Who?

Betty White and Allen Ludden

from Password! Where? Where? Where? Where?

Don't look. You'll embarrass them.

But I can't see if I don't look.

You look on the way out.

Oh.

Did you see? Is it them? Aren't you...

Aren't you thrilled?

Not particularly.

I'm not speaking to Allen Ludden.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You're not speaking to Allen Ludden?

Do you know him, Felix? He doesn't know Ludden.

Six months ago... six months ago!

Felix, will you...

I auditioned to be a contestant on Password.

They never called me. "Don't call us, we'll call you."

I don't get it.

Hey, no, he doesn't pick the contestants.

They got guys who do all that backstage stuff.

I gave a powerful audition!

Maybe that's why you didn't get it.

What do you mean by that?

Felix, they want average Joes,

people who look like they may not necessarily win,

like cab drivers, housewives...

See, they don't want sophisticated photographers,

portraits a specialty.

And look how I got involved in the conversation

when I want to get out of here!

Average. Of course I'm not average!

That's why I didn't get on.

It's lonely having a high I.Q.

Sure.

Did you ever see Einstein on Beat the Clock?

Oh, can I get his autograph

for my little sister?

Does she live with you? No.

I live alone. Sure,

you can get it!

Allen, don't stare, darling.

But that's Oscar Madison,

my favorite sportswriter.

He's used to being stared at.

I know, but he doesn't know you're a sports freak.

I'm going over and talk to him.

Oh... Have a little white bread, Allen.

I can't believe I'm not on the show

because I'm above average!

Oh, he's coming over here.

Act average. Act...

Do you suffer much from acid stomach?

Well, Allen Ludden,

Excuse me. What a coincidence!

My basic girl and I were just talking about you.

I'd like to... I'll be a son of a gun,

if I don't enjoy Password.

You know one thing I like,

I like to sit around the Formica table.

I like to drink beer out of the can,

just... sit there in my undershirt...

watch the boob tube.

Yes.

That's...

that's very interesting.

Uh, say, are you Oscar Madison?

Yes, I am. You know, you're my favorite sportswriter.

I read you every day. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Look...

Miriam Welby, Mitzi Ferguson, How do you do?

Yes. And this is Felix Unger.

Now, he really loves Password.

How do? Nice to know you.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Hey, listen, Os...

Listen, Oscar, if-if you'd be interested

in being a celebrity guest on Password,

why don't you give our office a call?

We-we're looking for celebrities

for a special New York series

we're doing. Oh, I'm not good at games.

I appreciate the thought, though, but no, I can't.

Okay, but it sure was nice meeting you, anyway.

Same here.

E-excuse me.

Certainly. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

He never even noticed me!

I tried so hard to be an average Joe!

You were so good, like Ozzie Nelson.

And you!

Allen Ludden asked you to be a contestant on Password,

and you turned him down.

Felix, I don't know how to play the game,

I am not going on the show,

and we're getting out of here. Let's go.

You didn't pay the check. Here.

Sort it out.

Oh, but I didn't get his autograph.

I got one in the car.

He left me a button.

I'm just dying to talk to Allen Ludden.

Well, why don't you go over there?

They don't mind. Oh, no, no.

Oh, go on. They look very nice. No, no, I shouldn't.

No, no. Please go on...

It would be pushy, wouldn't it?

No. No, please, come on.

I insist.

Excuse me, Allen Ludden.

Uh, yes.

Oh, oh, you're Oscar's friend, Mr. Engle.

Unger. Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, uh, Unger, ah...

This is my wife, Betty. Mr. Unger.

Felix.

Nice to know you, Mrs. White.

M-Miss, Miss White...

Mrs., Mrs. Ludden. Betty.

Ah.

You know, I watch you all the time, Betty.

You're my biggest fan.

Thank you. That's very nice.

I remember when you had your own show.

Years and years and years ago.

That many?

It's amazing how youthful you look.

Oh.

Thank you.

I'm even younger on the re-runs.

Say... if, uh, if Oscar Madison went

on this special Password show you're talking about,

could he choose his partner?

Well, probably.

But, ah, I'm not in charge of that department, Felix.

Uh-huh. Well...

if he chose his own partner,

could he choose me?

I'm just an average guy.

I worked my way through college

selling spot remover.

Well...

actually, that, that would be up to Oscar.

Uh-huh, I see.

Well, thank you, thank you very much.

I... I guess I better be shoving off.

As Reader's Digest says,

"Never overstay your welcome,

or you'll never be welcome to stay over."

Fine.

So long, folks.

I love pets.

It worked, it worked!

Oh, Oscar's going to be so happy.

He's dying to go on Password.

I thought he didn't want to be on it. Oh, that's before he knew

that I was going to be his partner.

Let's go tell him. Do you know where Mitzi lives?

I'd wait till morning.

Right.

You'll get your answer in the morning, Al.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Breakfast!

Grab your socks!

What's for breakfast, Sarge?

Cluck.

Cluck?

Jumbled.

Cluck jumbled?

Pig. Felix, I just got up.

Smoked.

Pig, smoked... Crisp.

Pig, smoked, crisp, cluck, jumbled...

Bacon and scrambled eggs? Right! Right!

And you said you can't play Password.

You see?

Why don't you call Allen Ludden?

Go ahead, tell him you'll be on.

He said I could be your partner, so how could you lose?

Felix, just serve the food.

Forget about last night.

How can I forget about last night?

It was your big chance, and you turned it down.

I thought I had a big chance last night,

and Mitzi turned me down.

Did you have any fun with Miriam?

It's not nice to tell.

He's putting beer in his orange juice!

I want to kill the Vitamin C.

I'm making your favorite breakfast.

I know, jumbled cluck.

And I know why you're making it, Fe...

I'm not going to go on Password.

Coffee.

Cup.

Empty.

Full. Hot.

I don't get it.

I want a hot cup of coffee! Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I-I thought you were playing the game.

I know what you thought. I know.

I know. Why won't you go on Password?

It's such a simple game,

and you already understand the basics.

And I can teach you the subtleties

in nothing flat. What subtleties?

Well, the inflections, like, if you go up,

that means you give the opposite.

Hooooot...

Come on. It's so simple.

Hooooot... Cold. Yes!

Nothing to it.

Give me another one.

Nooorth... South?

Right Isn't that simple?

Then if you go steady in the inflection,

then you just, like, candle...

then you just give the next thing

that comes normally. Hit me with that again,

I didn't understand. Candle...

Stick! Of course.

You see? You're a good player.

Here, let me try one.

I wanna try one of them zingers, like...

Book! Case.

Good. I was thinking of "maker," but "case" is good.

This is fun! I told you it's a lot of fun.

Yeah, well, you can forget about it.

Forget about the game, forget about Password,

and forget about breakfast. Aw, come on, Oscar.

Allen Ludden said that if you play,

I could be your partner.

It's my life's dream!

No!

Oh... they give you $750.

Dollars?

Yes!

Who wants to spoil a friend's dream!

Aw, that's, great.

And I can be your partner? Sure!

Good! Bye.

Ah, you made it just perfect, just perfect.

All right, Murray, you sit right there.

Now, Myrna, you're going to be a celebrity.

Can I be Peggy Cass?

Whatever you want.

You just sit right there.

Murray, you'll be an ordinary person.

Don't rub it in.

Who do you want me to be?

Now, you're going to be Allen Ludden!

Oh, what fun!

Could you be Monty Hall instead?

I always wanted to dress like a chicken.

Look who's home.

There he is, Mr. Password himself!

Ready to play the game, big fella?

Ah, look at Mitzi!

How devastating you look!

Hey, what's going on?

We're all going to practice Password.

Oh... could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, partner!

What's on that razor-sharp

mind of yours? Well, not here. In the kitchen.

It's kind of private, okay? Yeah, sure.

Everybody, you just,

just pass some words among each other.

You're not getting butterflies

in the tum-tum, are you? No, no, no.

Cold feet? What? No, no, uh...

Well, it's about our partnership.

What about it?

It's off.

Oh... you're not going to be on Password?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to be on Password,

but Mitzi's going to be my partner.

So Mitzi's going to be your partner.

Well... How about them apples?

Well, she-she loves game shows.

She's very bright.

She graduated charm school.

No kidding.

So Mitzi's in, and little Felix is out.

That's show biz.

Guess I better tell everybody to go home. No, no, no, no.

I promised I'd prepare you for the game.

I keep my promises.

The show must go on, fella,

no matter how boring it's going to be.

Boy, you're taking it great,

and I thought you'd be angry.

No. I'm a big boy now.

I didn't cry at Anzio.

Well, I want to say

I've always underestimated your class.

All right, everybody, we're going to play Password.

Yay!

There will be a slight change in the lineup.

Miriam, I'm going to be Allen Ludden.

All right, Mr. Celebrity, you'll sit here.

Miss Charm School, you'll sit there.

Can we get on with the game? Yes.

The game is worth 25 points.

The first clue is worth ten points,

and you'll have ten seconds in which to respond.

The first player has the option to pass or play.

Are those the rules? I didn't understand one word.

Don't worry, I'll carry you.

Here is the first password.

The word is "aquarium."

All right, Murray, you have the option to pass or play.

While Murray is making this difficult decision,

we'll take a short... Murray, we're on network television.

I'll play.

Guppy.

Fish?

Wrong! Nine points.

Mitzi.

Astrology.

Astrology, guppy.

Pisces?

Very wrong! Eight points.

Officer Greshler.

Tank!

Aquarium?

Very good. "Aquarium" wins for eight points.

Astrology?

Sure, it's from that song,

"This is the dawning of the age of aquariums."

What a team.

Still up?

I just took Mitzi home.

Oh?

How is Miss Magna Cum Cute from charm school?

All right, so she's not a genius.

Who wants to date an encyclopedia, anyway?

Oscar, if her IQ were one point higher,

she'd have the mentality of a handball.

But forgive me, she's your choice.

She's not my choice anymore.

What do you mean?

Oh, you didn't insult that poor child.

No, she insulted me.

She said she didn't want to appear on the show with me.

She said I gave bad clues.

So I guess you'll need another partner, then, won't you?

Yep. Hmm.

Guess I'll need another partner.

Guess everybody needs a partner,

like Rogers and Hammerstein. Mm-hmm.

Lewis and Clark. Mmm.

Tom and Jerry.

Frick and Frack.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, I had a great partner.

Did I have a great partner.

Boy, he could play those inflections.

You know, when he said "hot,"

man, I knew "cold, cold, cold." Mm.

Oh, man. And then when he gave me the "candle"... "stick."

Ooh, we'd have creamed anybody, I'm telling you.

We would have been the greatest team.

I better call Allen Ludden, tell him I don't have a partner.

I'll do it. You will?

What are you doing?

Swallowing my pride.

Hey.

Look at that.

Hey, you sure it's okay to be here?

Why, of course.

We're part of the show, buddy. We belong here.

Doesn't it that look bigger on TV?

That's often the case.

Fix your tie. Leave it alone.

Is that Betty White?

Where?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sh-she's an absolutely unbeatable player.

Did you know that she and Allen Ludden met on this show?

They met on Password, yeah.

Really? She said "I" he said "do"?

It's very romantic.

Words brought them together.

Their password was "love."

Hey, that is nice.

Don't you be nervous, Millicent.

That's silly, honey.

I've got some old lightning round words.

We can practice with them.

You can get kind of the feeling of the show.

You want to do that?

Okay? Shoot.

All right.

Now... Photograph.

Picture? Right.

Sit. Down.

Furniture. Chair.

Got it.

Animal.

Um... bear?

Neck. Giraffe.

That's it.

That's perfect.

That's ideal. Hi, Betty.

Remember me?

Felix Unger from the restaurant?

Average guy, loves pets?

Oh, hello.

Hello, Oscar.

How you doing?

Well, I'm a little nervous.

Oh, don't be. It's going to be fun.

Do you know whom we're playing against?

Me.

You?

Yes, and I take my Password very seriously.

I play to win.

Good luck.

Nice seeing you, Mr. Engle.

Ungle. Unger. Felix Unger.

Felix... Good luck, Betty.

Hey, wait a second. Betty White?

I'm playing against Betty White?

But with Felix Unger.

Fix your tie. Will you stop.

You saw her play.

That's why I'm scared.

Oh, nothing to be scared of.

Didn't you get the message, the way she plays?

Simple and follow through.

Like Babe Ruth's swing.

Simple... follow through.

That's the key to champions.

Simple... follow... Angelo Podestra.

Angelo... What is he?

Champion boccie player.

Simple... follow through.

That's the key.

Just keep your words simple and direct.

Now, you ready to play the game?

Yeah, baseball and boccie I'm ready to play.

Fix your tie. Oh, you fix it yourself.

You're wearing a clip-on tie to a show.

Here, put it back, and fix your...

You're wear... you're wearing a cardboard handkerchief.

That's just for show. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

This is my real handkerchief.

Good, after the show, we'll rob a train.

Ready, Allen?

All set.

Okay, everybody, relax.

Tape is rolling.

And now, here once again is the host of Password, Allen Ludden.

Welcome back.

Now we're going to meet the contestants

who are going to challenge our winning team here

of Millicent Thomas and Betty White.

First let's meet that fine sportswriter

from the New York Herald, Oscar Madison.

Welcome, Oscar.

Welcome to Password, Oscar.

Nice to be here, I think.

Now as you know, for this special series,

we allow our celebrity contestants

to pick their own teammates.

Now, who have you picked for your partner, Oscar?

Oh, I chose for my partner Felix Unger.

Wasn't much of an introduction.

What did you want me to say, "He... re's Felix"?

Welcome to Password, Felix.

Now, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a commercial photographer,

portraits a specialty.

Uh, I was married, but I'm not now, unfortunately,

although I wish I were.

I have two extremely beautiful children,

Leonard and Edna, whom I don't see as much as I'd like to;

I only... I only get them on weekends.

A little, Felix, just a little, a little.

On the other hand, I'm a very good cook,

and I'm a lot of fun at parties, people tell me.

It sounds like you lead a rich, full life, Mr. Unger.

Now, let's play Password. Thank you, Allen.

I'll give the password first to Oscar Madison

and Betty White.

And as they look at it, we want you to see it at home.

The password is "gravy."

Okay, Betty, the first option is yours.

For ten points... pass or play?

I'll play.

Ten points.

Sauce.

Mayonnaise?

Nine points, Oscar.

Meat.

Meat.

Lincoln.

Eight points, Betty.

Covering.

Gravy.

Good. That's it. You got it.

Eight points for the ladies.

Lincoln?

It's a known fact that Lincoln loved mayonnaise.

Okay, let's move right along.

Felix, you have the word. Thank you, Oscar... I mean, Allen.

Millicent, you have the word.

And as they look at it, we'd like you to see it.

The password is "bird."

All right, Felix.

You have the option this time... pass or play?

I'll play, Allen.

Ten points.

Aristophanes.

Aristophanes?

Greek?

Nine points, Millicent.

Canary.

Bird. ALLEN: You got it!

And so, with a score of 17 to nothing,

we pause for these messages.

Aristophanes? Aristophanes?

That's a perfect clue.

Everybody knows Aristophanes wrote a play called "The Birds."

Everybody but me.

Will you stop being so perfect, Felix?

Fix your tie. Will you stop it?

Now, we're losing, here.

Now, come on, let's go to get together.

Why do you think I'm giving you these great clues?

Great clues?

If Charlie Chan had these clues,

he'd be running a laundry.

Now, we're losing 17 to nothing.

I always win at home, don't I? Will you stop...

Fix your tie. Leave it alone.

Put it back. Never mind at home.

This is the... Oh, the heck with it...

This is big time now. At least open your collar...

Felix, will you listen to me?

We're going to lose this entire game.

Now, we're being creamed. Now, this is important.

I want you to give me good clues, something to work with.

I'm glad you got the spirit 'cause we're going to win, win, win.

Now listen, no more Greek clues.

Aristophanes is ridiculous.

Stand by.

Okay, back to the game.

And the word goes to Oscar Madison,

Betty White with a score of 17 to nothing.

This is the word.

The password is "ridiculous."

All right.

Oscar, you have the option... Pass or play.

I want to play, Allen.

Aristophanes.

Ridiculous. ALLEN: You got it.

I don't believe it.

Aristophanes again?

Yes. That's our all-purpose clue...

Aristophanes.

Simple and follow through. - Okay.

Simple and follow through.

Looks like the men are on the march. Yes.

Okay, ten to 17.

You have the word, Felix. Thank you, Allen.

Millicent, there you go.

As they look at it, we'd like you to see it.

The password is "servant."

Okay, Felix.

The option is yours... Pass or play?

Thank you, Allen.

I... think... I'll pass.

Uh... waiter.

Restaurant.

Nine points.

Felix.

Thank you.

Household... Ooh...

Servant? ALLEN: You got it!

Great clue. Simple and follow through.

Great clue.

Great clue.

Okay, 19 to 17.

Either team can win on this word.

And as they look at it.

The password is "pencil."

All right, Betty, your team is behind, now.

You have the option... Pass or play?

I think I'm going to let Oscar have it.

Ten points, Oscar.

Give you the game.

Lead... Graphite.

Nine points, Betty, will give you the game.

Writing.

Pencil.

You won the game!

And so we have to say good-bye to Felix Unger, Why?

And thank you very much for coming to play our game.

Why? Because you lost.

No, siree. My clue is good.

I can prove it. Felix...

Sorry, we've got to move along for a new player.

But you'll have a copy of our home game.

I've got two copies of your home game.

I got... I've got one in my car.

Felix, you're embarrassing me. No, I don't understand this.

Thank you very much, Felix Unger.

Now, if you will just relinquish your chair.

Chair. Seat. We're not playing anymore...

Oh, please, oh, please, give me one more chance. Please.

Oh, what a gyp!

And for all of you playing with us at home...

I'm terribly sorry.

Hi, Felix.

I'm making cocoa.

Did you win after I was ejected?

A couple of games, but that Betty White is terrific.

They paid me anyway.

Oh, and here's your check.

Oh?

25 dollars.

"Felix Ungle."

I just don't understand myself.

I play so well.

You play weird.

You wonder why I didn't get "bird"

from "Aristophanes," Felix?

It's because your logic is not my logic.

We're rotten partners.

But when you said "lead,"

I immediately thought of "graphite."

Don't remind me.

Pencil lead is made not of lead,

but of graphite and clay.

Everybody knows that.

Well, I knew the answer couldn't be two words,

so I chose one... graphite.

It was a very good answer.

All right, if I say it was a very good answer,

will we drop the subject?

Yes. It was a rotten...

I'm telling you, it was just a rotten answer, Felix.

Nobody I know thinks the way you do.

Well, I'm unique.

Unusual.

Strange.

Peculiar. That's the word.

That's the word I was thinking about.

You see, we can play. Do me a favor.

Call Allen Ludden, he'll have us on again...

Oh, what are you doing?