Original subtitles

Oh! Is Oscar home yet?

Do you see anything on the floor?

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, I got exactly what you wanted.

Oh! Oh, we've got to hide it before Oscar gets home.

But I thought Oscar already had a smoking jacket.

A bathrobe with cigar butts in the pocket is not a smoking jacket.

Well, why don't we hide it in the closet?

That's what I did last year.

It was the one day of the year he chose to hang up his coat.

He'd never find it in his room.

Neither would we.

What are you doing? What?

Do you know what the odds are

against his hanging up his coat two years in a row?

Why don't you just hand it to him directly?

"Happy Birthday, Oscar."

But that would cut out the element of surprise.

That's what makes it all worthwhile.

We can't give him a surprise party without a surprise.

Now, what we need... is a theme.

A surprise and a theme.

That's the way you build great moments in birthdays.

Great moments for who?

Hey, Miriam. Hi, Felix.

Oscar!

How come you're home so early?

They shortened the hallway.

What are you doing? I'm gonna hang up my coat.

I'll hang it up for you! Oh, no, no.

I wanted to see if you hid my birthday present in here.

Aw, figures... Here...

I hope it's not a smoking jacket.

There's only one thing

I hate worse than a smoking jacket.

What's that?

A surprise birthday party...

with a theme!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm warning you.

You try to throw a surprise party for me,

I'm gonna throw a surprise funeral for you!

Ah! Here it comes.

Look at this.

Mr. Martyr.

Now he's hurt.

But if Felix gave a, gave a surprise party

for me, I'd be tickled to death.

Good. You can have my birthday.

Look, every party he throws for me is embarrassing.

He never surprises me, I'm always ahead of him,

and when I try to act surprised, he says I'm not convincing.

Well, you're never effervescent or bubbly enough.

You want effervescence and bubbly?

Throw a surprise party for a bottle of seltzer.

Does that mean you don't want a party?

Miriam, you tell him, will you?

You can do it without hitting. No party!

Thanks.

Well, that's that.

Now he'll be totally surprised!

Now, we must come up with a theme

that will make this an unforgettable party.

You can't be serious. You just heard him.

I heard him, I heard him. I hear him every year.

Last year, I even complied with his wishes.

I didn't give him a party.

Was he happy? He said he was.

He went out, he stayed out all night, he said he had a ball.

Maybe he did.

I know better.

I know the Madison mind.

Deep within, there's a small, pathetic voice

saying, "Surprise me!

"Throw me a party, Felix.

You know how."

Where'd you get the jacket?

Why? You want to take it back?

No, I want to get a pair of pants to match.

Okay. Let's start hunting, Murray.

Yeah.

They're all empty.

How does he drink them like this?

Hey, Felix, what am I looking for?

I don't know.

Do I know?

No, Murray, neither of us knows.

We're looking for something

that will give us the theme for the surprise party.

Isn't this nice?

Petrified tuna.

"James K. Polk High School."

This is it!

Oscar's high school yearbook... this will give us the theme for the party.

We're all here to plan a surprise party for Oscar.

Where's Myrna? MIRIAM: You sure you told her

my apartment, not yours? Of course I told her!

Myrna, Myrna, you're late. Hi, Felix.

Come in, come in. Hi, Miriam.

Hello. Hi, Murray. Hi, Myrna.

Hi, new person without a wedding ring.

Myrna, this is Monroe.

Monroe is the super's son.

Hi. Myrna Turner, Monroe Hernandez.

Now that the social amenities are

out of the way, can we start the meeting?

Eenie, meenie, minie, oatmeal.

I think I'll have an oatmeal.

Excellent decision, Murray.

Now Myrna, Miriam, Murray, Monroe,

myself...

I think I've come up with a great theme for Oscar's party,

and if I say so myself, it's a biggie.

But I can't tell you about it till the night of the party.

Now, you all must help me with this plan.

How do we help you with the plan if we don't know the plan?

You'll see. You'll each have a job to do.

Each of you must find out something about Oscar's life,

but nobody tells anybody else what he's found out.

Or else we self-destruct?

Myrna, your job is to find out everything you can

about Oscar's childhood from birth to age ten.

All right. I'll just look for a teddy bear with ketchup stains.

Monroe, you're from 21 to 30.

Find out everything you can.

Uh, well, what do I do? Just go up and ask him?

No, you, you talk to him. You're subtle, you use your ingenuity.

I don't have to go into his room, do I?

Whatever.

Murray, you find out everything you can

from 11 to 20.

I got the puberty section!

Here's the boxing story.

"Huvyweight... muddle huvyweight"?

I create, you correct.

I can't correct a foreign language.

I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.

But I wanted to remind you about filling out

your new payroll form; you haven't done it yet.

Wait a minute, will you? I'm trying to finish another story.

You want to write a story, or get paid?

All right, let's hurry up. Come on, I want a beer.

Okay, first, your place of birth.

Our Lady of the Angels Hospital, Philadelphia.

What's the attending physician's name?

Dr. Max Greenbaum.

Was it a normal birth?

No, I was spawned upstream.

What is this?

Payroll wants this information, not me.

What was your fondest memory between ages one and ten?

The summer of eight.

I'm serious.

Who was your best friend at that time?

Chubby London. He... Wait a minute.

What's that got to do with the payroll?

Must be a credit check.

I gave Chubby back his marbles.

Now, what's going on here?

Let me see the form, come on!

Nothing's going on here, Mr. Madison.

What are you so suspicious about?

Everyone your age is always so suspicious.

Like I'm a devious person.

I'm not a devious person, am I? No!

And it's my lunch hour. And I'm, I'm...

I'm lunching, and I'll be back after I lunch.

I hate suspicious people.

Hey, Oscar...

did you know I've been studying to become a detective?

No, I didn't. How's it going?

Well... last week I flunked disguises.

Mmm... I don't understand it!

Everybody knew it was me.

Must be your walk.

Oh, yeah.

This week, we're taking interrogation lessons.

Hey, could I practice on you?

Sure, make me talk.

Okay...

All right, Madison, sit down!

Where were you on the night June 14, 1942?

1942?

You heard me! I want it straight!

I want the truth and none of your lying stories!

Now, where were you?!

I don't remember.

Ah, that's better.

Now, who was your best friend in high school?

Chubby London... Wait a minute.

Why is everybody asking me about my childhood?

I don't know.

Sit down, Murray. Oscar...

Please, sit. Come on, sit down.

Now, Murray, I want you to tell me w...

Felix made me do it! I didn't want to do it!

I'm a nice guy! I got nothing against you!

He wants to know about your childhood!

I'm telling you the truth!

Oh, please, Oscar, give me a break!

Let me off the hook!

You're a tough nut to crack, Murray.

There he is!

Mr. Sportswriter!

Look at him... ready to go get 'em, aren't you?

Feeling like a million...

Ah, shut up!

You don't mean that.

I know you. You don't mean that.

What?

What's this sudden hostility? What is it?

It's not sudden, it's been building up for years.

I know about your so-called surprise party

and the secret meeting Surprise party?

Of the Macaroon Society.

I'm warning you for the last time, Felix.

Drop the whole thing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

This is all in your fevered imagination.

I told you there was no surprise party.

Like you told me you were only moving in

for a couple of weeks 50 years ago!

Oscar, if you don't want me to stay here, just tell me.

I tell you every month!

Come in. The door's open.

Well, Miriam, my former friend.

Come down to reminisce?

No, no, I've got to talk to you, Felix.

Really? Feeling a little guilty?

No. I just think you should know

that Murray spilled the beans.

Oh, it was Murray who cracked.

Yes, and Oscar offered Monroe five dollars

to tell him your party plans.

Well, he's barking up the wrong tree there.

I can trust Monroe. He has character.

Enough to turn down a bribe offer.

Monroe wants to know how much

you're willing to offer him not to tell.

What about Myrna? She was supposed to call me.

Oh, she called me.

She got a few things, and then lost her notes.

She turned them in to the payroll department.

It's hard to get good spies.

I just feel awful for you.

Well, how do you think I feel?

All I want to do is show Oscar a good time.

I know. Hi, Miriam.

Oh... Where're my clean socks?

You don't have any. You buy them dirty.

Hello.

Yes. Yes!

Just a minute, please. Hold on.

It's for you! Long distance!

Paris is calling!

You're kidding.

Hello?

Hey, it's good to hear your voice!

How are you, Ma?

It's your mommy?

How many people do I call Mom?

Yeah, it's my mom. Say hello to her for me.

How are you? Hello from America!

Yes, Mommy, that was Felix. Skinny Felix, yeah.

What? What hotel's she staying at?

What hotel are you at? She heard you!

The Plaza! How's your world tour, Ma?

How long you going to be in Paris?

No kidding!

Why are you laughing?

I found my spy... the French connection.

Hello!

Yes, Mrs. Madison, this is Felix Unger.

Thanks... Miriam.

What are you doing?

No, I'm waiting here

for Oscar's mother to call me back from Paris.

Yeah, she was out; I left a message.

Well, it's 9:00 here, it's 3:00 over there.

What's the difference?

Yeah, well, I've got to keep the phone free, yeah.

I'll call you back as soon as I know anything.

Right. Bye-bye.

Oscar!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Your memory for names is astounding.

But I, I thought you had a date

with crazy Rhoda with the overbite.

You're back so early.

I did. She had to go to the dentist.

The dentist at 9:00 at night?

She broke a tooth opening a bottle of beer.

Crazy Rhoda!

Oh... Well, you're back so early.

It's not that early; it's 9:00.

Yeah, you're right.

No, it's not, that's not early at all, is it?

It's late.

Oh, boy, I'm tired.

9:00 already, huh?

Oh, boy, I didn't realize I was so bushed, huh.

Wow...

I guess I'll turn in.

You look bushed, too.

You going to turn in? No, I'm not tired.

Well, you were just yawning. I was yawning because you were yawning.

I was... I was yawning because you look so tired.

Why don't you go to bed?

Because it's too early, I...

Why is the pillow ringing?

No, it's not. No, it's not.

What is there under there? No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's a wrong number. How do you know it's a wrong number?

Some silly woman's been calling all evening.

Let me straighten her out.

It's the wrong number. Call back!

You can cut the act, Felix.

I know exactly what you're doing.

You do?

Yeah. You're expecting a call from a girl.

You didn't want me to know.

You're afraid I'll tell Miriam or Gloria, right?

I can't fool you.

Ah...

Ah, you don't have to worry about me, buddy.

I'll just go in my bedroom.

You won't hear a peep out of me, huh?

You little devil.

Don't worry, I'll read a book.

At least one of us'll get lucky tonight, huh?

You animal, you.

I can't help myself.

Felix Unger, fate is on your side.

Hello!

Go get her, you tiger! Right, Osc!

Yes! Yes! Put her on.

Hello, Mrs. Madison.

Thanks very much for calling me back.

Listen. I'm throwing a surprise party for your son.

Yes, Oscar.

And... and I want a few quick questions.

Who was his childhood sweetheart?

Who was his best friend?

Who was his idol?

Well, besides you.

Ah!

Happy Birthday!

Well, what kind of day did you have today, big guy?

Great, little guy. Nice and quiet.

No surprises, and that's the way it's going to stay.

You bet.

This is your birthday, huh?

Forget it. Did that girl call you back?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We made some very interesting plans.

We'll be able to see a lot more of each other

now that her massage parlor is closed.

Look at that.

Look at that birthday boy.

Look at that picture. You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to make a portrait of you at my studio

for your birthday.

Sure. Then everybody'll jump out of nooks and crannies,

say "Surprise! Surprise!"

No. Forget it, Felix.

I'm celebrating my birthday watching television,

The Outlaw, and I'm going to drink some beer.

No, you don't mean it, you don't mean it.

Do you mind, please? Aah! Oh!

Oh! Oh, Oscar! Oh!

Oh, something... something hurts.

I may need... my medicine.

My medicine's at the studio.

You better, better help me.

Felix, get out of the way, will you?

It's my birthday.

I'm going to do what I want to do.

You know something?

You're a selfish man.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. You're not interested.

You're right.

Selfish guy.

Selfish, selfish, selfish guy.

Felix, will you cut it out?

I don't like people that talk to themselves

when I'm in the room.

Now, what is it?

You're a selfish man.

This party isn't for you.

It's for everybody waiting there at the studio for you to arrive

so they can jump up and yell "Happy Birthday"

and their little hearts will beat a little bit faster

and there'll be some excitement in their humdrum lives.

That's the truth. That's who the party's for, your friends.

Hey, you know something, Felix?

For once in your life, you're right.

That's the best argument I ever heard

for doing something I hate.

You're right! I'll go to the studio!

Let's get dressed. Come on, come on, come on.

You know what? What?

I'm going to do some of the best surprise acting you ever saw.

Show me, show me.

Oh, what a surprise!

Act, eh... try humble.

Humble? Humble, yeah.

Aw, I don't deserve this. Gee...

No, no, no. I think bubbly is better.

Bubbly? Bubbly, yeah.

What a surprise! Put your hands...

Gee, Felix, I don't know why

we have to come down to your studio...

Surprise! Happy Birthday!

Oh, what a surprise!

Oh, my! You got me!

I thought we had to come down

to put out the red light in your darkroom!

Aw, gee, I don't really deserve this.

How am I doing?

Remember, we threw that out for bubbly?

Oh, yeah. Oh, well... Yes! Yay!

This is the best surprise I've ever had!

So I guess the only thing to do is to blow out the candles,

you sing "Happy Birthday," and then go home, huh?

Not so fast!

Not so fast, Oscar Madison, my friend,

my very, very close friend.

Because Oscar Madison, this is your life!

Yes, Oscar Madison, this is your life.

Felix, I get the feeling,

I'm going to be embarrassed.

You were born in Toledo...

No, no, no. No, no. My brother was born in Toledo.

I was born in Philadelphia.

And your family shortly moved to Philadelphia,

where you were born on a warm, sunny day.

And now... remember this voice?

Hey, get me out of this darkroom!

Get me out of here!

A voice out of your past, Oscar Madison.

Remember...

Salty's Soda Parlor? Oh, I sure do.

You guessed it.

After all these years, we've brought him here tonight.

Unfortunately, he was stacked up

over Kennedy Airport for three hours.

But here he is, in the flesh,

Arthur O'Reilly!

Who's Arthur O'Reilly?

Boy, did we have fun on that plane!

We went around and around and then we had another...

Oscar Madison!

Oh! I see you had your nose fixed.

Who is this? This isn't Salty.

Salty couldn't make it tonight, but we did manage to get Arthur.

This is the man who used to fix the jukebox

in that very self-same soda parlor!

I don't remember him.

I don't remember you.

You're both so overcome, you can't remember each other.

Come, sit down, Mr. O'Reilly.

Felix, I'm predicting embarrassment.

Yes, Oscar Madison.

You've gathered a friend from the past to your bosom.

Do you remember your first childhood sweetheart?

You promised each other that when you grew up,

you'd get married.

Judy Skelton is here?

Judy Skelton in the flesh!

Judy Skelton, Mr. Birthday Boy!

Hey, Judy! You lost weight!

And I've got tickets for the two of you

to go ice-skating all week at Rockefeller Plaza!

And now we come to the piece de resistance.

Last but not least, Oscar Madison,

remember this sound?

No.

No.

Here she is, Oscar Madison,

the deep, dark secret of your early youth.

Your dancing teacher

from the Langley Tippy Tap Toe Dancing School,

Mrs. Irene Langley!

And now, for the cherry on the sundae!

The moment we've been waiting for!

You will relive your fabulous, your unforgettable...

Shirley Temple dance!

Here's a pair of tap shoes.

Here is a cane... Your original cane!

And here is Shirley Temple!

I surprised you, didn't I?

I got you, didn't I?

All right, everybody!

Let's toast Mr. This-is-Your-Life himself!

Come on. Get some punch for the birthday boy!

Here we go, everybody.

Here we are, now.

A big toast.

Here we...

Hiya, Felix.

Look, I'm sorry I ran out like that,

but if I'd have stayed,

I'd have to punch you right in the nose.

Why didn't you do it?

I always try to do great big things

and they always end up rotten.

But why do you try so hard? Why?

Why? Because I'm a nut.

I'm an obsessive person, that's why.

Try so hard to make people happy, and I always ruin it.

No, not always... Yes, always.

Once I made my mother a beautiful bed lamp,

but I crossed the wires, and I blew up her night table.

Come on, cheer up.

Look, light the candle,

I'll blow it out and then go to bed.

Would you do that for me?

Sure. You can even sing a chorus of "Happy Birthday,"

but only one chorus.

Really?

Sure. Okay. Okay.

You ready? I'm ready.

Blow out the candle!

Surprise!

I surprised you! I surprised you!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny, which nobody can deny ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪

Oscar? Yeah.

Everybody's gone home.

Good. 'Cause I'm really exhausted.

You know, that Shirley Temple dance tires me out.

Well, you were great in it though.

Tell me, did you have a good time at the party?

Yes, I did. I really had fun.

Oh, great.

And I really surprised you?

You did. I didn't think you could.

You don't know what it does for me

just knowing I could do it to you.

Good. Now, I want to get into bed.

I want to read Murray's birthday present to me.

Really, what'd he get you?

Athletes Who Have Served Time in Jail.

Ah. That's very, very interesting.

Yeah.

Well, good night, birthday boy.

Good night, Mr. Surprise Party.

I really fooled you? Yep.

Surprise!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪