Original subtitles

♪ Ta-da, da-da-da da-da... ♪

What is that?

Oh, I was just seeing

if I'd ever be able to tap dance again.

Here, Ginger. I found the pictures.

Take them down to the paper.

When are you going to take that cast off?

I'm tired of having Long John Silver for a secretary.

The cast is coming off tomorrow.

And give up skiing, will you?

But I like winter sports.

Well, go sleigh riding,

build a snow man, kiss an Eskimo.

Okay. I'm leaving now.

I even have to work on my lunch hour around here.

All right. I'll take you to lunch.

Really? Where'll we go?

Here.

Oh, whitefish.

No, sardines with cream cheese.

Here. Sit, sit.

You all right?

Yeah, you treat me too good, Mr. M.

By the way, I wanted to thank you

for the book you brought me in the hospital.

You're welcome.

I'll return it to the library

as soon as I can hobble over there.

I bought it at a book store.

I was only kidding. It was a joke.

I'm also sorry I missed Mr. Unger.

I wanted to thank him for all the room freshener

he sent me in the hospital.

You know, the funny thing is,

he never once came to visit me.

He couldn't. He's banned from that hospital.

Mr. Unger is banned from Midcity Memorial Hospital?

He couldn't set his foot in there even if it was broken.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?

Is cream cheese supposed to make noise?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple is filmed in front of a live audience.

Antiseptic Mr. Unger was banned from a hospital?

Yep. I don't believe it. Why?

It's a very long story.

Well, tell it to me. After.

What do you want to wash that down with?

What do you got?

Brown juice and green juice.

What's the difference?

Two weeks.

Pass.

Um... maybe you better tell me the story about Mr. Unger.

It'll take my mind off this lunch.

Well, it was during that basketball scandal,

you know, about 13 years ago.

Mr. Unger fixed a basketball game?

No. I exposed a basketball scandal.

What are you doing?

I'm covering up the sardine's eye.

That's right.

That's when you were a crusading reporter,

out working night and day, fighting injustices.

No, I was home with a hangover...

when this scared girlfriend

of a basketball player came over

to tell me that her boyfriend

had been offered a bribe to throw a game.

I remember... my head felt like the inside of your cast.

Steve won't take the bribe.

Can you hear me?!

Oh, boy, can I hear you.

Steve won't take the bribe,

and that's why I came to you.

Steve and I have always admired you.

Could you admire me a little softer, please?

Steve won't take the bribe.

Yeah, I want to get some of this down, see...

Are you going to write with a swizzle stick?

Oh, yeah. Here. I got it.

Now, your boyfriend's name is Steve O'Connor, right?

Is that buttermilk?

No, just old.

Maybe I... maybe I should come back another time.

No, no, stay. Stay. Listen.

Will Steve talk to me? Will he name names?

I think so.

But you have to promise me that you won't mention his name

and that nobody will be here.

He didn't even want me to come.

Oh, don't worry. Nobody ever comes here.

Oh, boy.

Listen, wait in the kitchen,

and I'll get rid of them, okay?

Why don't they use the buzzer?

Go back to the knocking.

All right, I got you.

Oscar! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Long time no see!

How are you? Good to see you!

How you doing, Felix?

Great! Ah-ha-ha!

You remember my wife, Gloria.

Oh, yeah, how are you?

Big.

This is my very dear friend, Murray Greshler.

Hi. I'm a policeman.

I'm a citizen.

Thanks a lot, Murray. Regards home.

See you later, alligator.

Now, nice and slow... Felix, I know how to sit.

I'm kind of busy here.

Just remember, you're sitting for two now, sweetheart.

Felix, see, I wasn't expecting...

Oscar, Gloria's going to have a little baby.

No kidding.

Are you going to have it here?

Please, Felix. I feel like a mummy already.

No, you're going to be a mummy!

Oh, Felix, I'm so hot.

You want a cold drink, sweetheart?

Yes. I'll get it for you.

The kitchen's right there, isn't it?

No, you can't go in the kitchen? No!

If I can take this room, Oscar, I can take your kitchen.

No, let me get the water. See, I know...

No, no. If it's too cold, it might chill her little...

I didn't know your kitchen was occupado.

Oh, no, she's just a friend who's looking at the kitchen.

How was the stove?

How do you do?

My name is Felix Unger, commercial photographer,

portraits a specialty.

This is Gloria. She's my wife.

Babies a specialty.

What is your very young name? Lolita?

She has no name. I better go.

Come here. Listen, you tell Steve to call me.

I'll keep his name out of the paper, I promise you.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, pay no attention to this.

This is a side of life we don't see in New Rochelle.

He's all right. He's my friend.

He reminds me of one of those skinny squealers in the movies.

I'll get your coat. Miss, you're very young,

you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Don't throw it away for an hour of pleasure...

a few minutes of pleasure.

Felix, go check Gloria. Maybe the baby kicked.

No. No. You saw something?

Will he be here?

No, I'll get rid of him.

I promise you, I'll get rid of him. Go ahead.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

She's a college girl, came here to give me a story.

What are you explaining it to me for?

It's none of my business. I'm just a guest here.

You're a guest here?

Gloria and I have decided to take you up on your offer.

What offer? To move in with you.

Here we go, sweetheart, here we are.

This is it.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry it's a little messy.

See, I use it for a rumpus room.

Wonder how many rumpuses you've had in here.

Well, Felix, see, I wasn't expecting anyone.

I don't remember making that offer.

I'm sure I did make it if you said it...

Oscar, it's clear as a bell in my memory. Don't you remember?

I came in from New Rochelle,

and I took you to my trade show, remember?

Oh, you introduced me to that model.

Yes, and while you were nuzzling Miss Flashbulbs,

you said, "When Gloria's ready to deliver, come to my place.

I'm right near the hospital."

I said that? Yeah, yeah.

Well, words to that effect.

It's-It's possible I said,

"You're near the hospital, we ought to come to your place,"

and you said, "All right. Leave me alone."

Now, Felix, at that point, I would have said

anything to get rid of you, but... that was six months ago.

Well, Oscar.

How long is your word good for?

It's just going to be for a matter of hours.

She's almost ready.

But the doctor said it could be two weeks.

Two weeks? No, no, no, no.

She's ready. I know it. I feel it. Believe me.

Yeah, but wouldn't you be more comfortable in a hotel?

No, no, we're perfectly comfortable here.

Don't be silly.

Besides, they wouldn't let me cook in a hotel room.

I've got Gloria on a special diet.

I think Oscar's right.

I think we should go to a hotel.

It's no imposition.

And this great guy wants us to stay here.

Any other time, you see,

but right now it is a little inconvenient.

Well, I'm sorry. What shall I do?

Ask Gloria not to have the baby now?

Maybe I should ask the baby?

Can you wait another month?

Read a magazine!

Felix! Come on. Come on.

We're going to some sleazy hotel.

I wonder how much you have to tip a bellhop to deliver a baby.

Don't be so sensitive, Felix.

You know, you've got a heart of gold.

You have. You have. Didn't I tell you?

He's one in a million. He's a wonderful guy.

Don't worry about us. We won't be in your way.

There'll be no commotion.

You won't know we're here. One thing.

Would you mind putting out your cigar?

Not on my carpet.

It's Oscar's carpet.

You're right.

I'm going to have to clean this place anyway.

It's a lucky thing I brought rags and cleansers.

Always prepared. I'll see you later, huh.

Oh, one thing, one thing.

How many bathrooms have we got?

Three. Good.

Only one has water. Oh.

Then we've got a problem, haven't we? We do?

Now, I'll tell you what.

If you could brush your teeth

and shower and shave and everything the night before,

then Gloria and I could have the bathroom in the morning.

Well, I'll tell you what I could do, Felix.

I could shower and shave and eat breakfast the night before.

Then in the morning I can go to the Copa and see the floor show.

I tell you this guy's a sport?

He's the greatest. He's really the greatest.

One thing, um...

Do you have medicated soap?

No, no. Then you'll have to get some.

Is there a drugstore near here?

Yeah, right on the corner. I'll make you a list.

Thank you.

Pat, you've got to trust me.

Would I lie to you? It's too important to me.

You bring Steve up here.

I promise you, I'll be here all alone.

Honest. All right, bye-bye.

I had to get out of there.

He set off a bug bomb.

You want a pickle?

Oh, I'm not allowed to have them.

He thinks they're bad for people's I.Q.

Gloria, look.

I got two college kids coming up tonight with a big story,

something that can give my career a real boost.

Now, I know I can count on you two to stay out of the way.

But do you think I can get Felix to go and clean Brooklyn?

Oh, I don't know, but I wish he'd go to a movie or something.

I mean, his labor pains are driving me crazy.

Then send him to the movies.

Oh, I can't. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Then I'll send him.

Oh, but... be tactful.

I will. He won't even know I'm asking him to leave.

Good.

Of course I'm going to be tactful. Okay.

Felix... get out.

Why?

I want to work, so I want you to go to the movies.

Are you crazy? My place is with Gloria.

She's going to have a little baby.

Felix, it could be two weeks.

Anyway, Gloria wants you to go, too.

Oh, come on.

I want to hear that from Gloria's mouth.

Felix, go to the movies.

All right. You heard it from Gloria's mouth.

You want to hear it from the baby's mouth, too?

You need to relax.

Yeah, phone us and tell us where you are,

and then we'll call you back.

Do you really want me to go?

I-I really do.

Oh... all right, then, I'll go.

Maybe I'll find a pregnant woman at the movies

who needs my help.

Oh, boy. Oh!

I got to hand it to you, Gloria.

I could never live with that guy!

There he goes again.

Hello, Felix.

Is Gloria there?

No, Gloria's not here. She went bowling.

Don't torment me, Oscar.

I'm in my ninth month.

Felix, will you stop calling? Go look at the movie.

I can't sit and watch Gidget's skin clear up

while my wife is having a little baby.

Then look for gum under the seats.

Sweep an aisle, wave to Gidget.

Gloria's having labor pains, isn't she?

They're coming closer together. I can feel it.

No, her labor pains are not coming closer together.

Only your phone calls are coming closer together.

Oscar, listen to me.

Just in case I do happen to watch some of the movie,

this phone will be answered by Miss Darlene Spinoza.

Isn't that right, Miss Spinoza?

Write that name down.

Darlene Spinoza.

I got it.

Erase it.

I think Miss Spinoza's mind is on something else.

Oh, Felix, will you stop calling?

Gloria's fine, everything's fine.

What about pillows? She likes two pillows under her.

Felix, listen. Now, you're going to hear a noise that sounds like

I'm hanging up, but I'm not, see?

There's some construction work going on.

So you just keep on talking, okay?

It did sound as if you hung up.

Oscar? Oscar?

I know what you did!

Hey!

How's the coast?

How's the what?

The coast... is it clear?

Yeah, nobody's here. Clear coast... come on in.

Come on.

Uh, I'm very nervous.

You don't have to be. Nobody's here.

Sit down.

Steve, you're dribbling again.

Yes, I am.

I'm dribbling.

It's because I'm nervous.

I always dribble when I'm nervous.

I never dribble when I'm not nervous.

Neither do I. Will you sit...

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Oscar?

I was right not to trust Darlene Spinoza.

She went up in the balcony with the usher.

I'm here by myself.

Two people tried to buy popcorn from me.

Wrong number.

Okay. Now, who was the first to offer you a bribe?

Well, it was...

Do you believe this?

I can't get a break here!

I'm all set. I brought my book.

I could deliver it right here.

You called the cops?

No, I didn't call him.

I did.

It's time, Oscar.

You sure you're ready?

You couldn't wait a couple of m...?

No, of course you couldn't wait a couple minutes.

So, listen, there's been a change of plans, Steve.

But I'll get in touch with you, don't worry... right away. All right.

I think you better call Felix.

You're absolutely right. That's right.

I should call Felix. I'm gonna call Felix.

Oscar, calm down.

Hear that? The phone's busy.

Operator?

How can the line be busy?

We're closed.

Leave him a note.

Yeah, okay, listen... You wait for me downstairs,

and I'll leave him a note, okay?

Oscar? Yeah?

Give him my regards.

Do you believe this, Bruce?

I never asked that man to come here!

I would never do that! The guy's a nut!

You got to be crazy to have somebody like that in here...

Room spray, eat your breakfast in the b...

Look at this! I'm talking to a gorilla!

Gloria?

Oh.

Gloria?

Oscar?

There's nobody here.

I wonder if I'm in the right apartment.

No need to panic.

Now, what should I do?

Look for a note.

Where would he hide a note?

In the gorilla.

Take the note.

Thank you.

Now, what should I do?

Read the note.

I'm going to be a father.

Now, what should I do?

I don't need the note anymore, do I?

So I... put it back on the tooth.

Straighten your tie.

Now what should I do?

Get what I need and go to the hospital.

All right.

Amazing how calm I am.

All right... remain calm...

Taxi!

I want to talk to Steve O'Connor.

Well, look, when he comes in,

will you have him call Klondike-5-4226?

Yeah. That's the Mid-City Memorial Hospital.

I'll be in the fathers' waiting room.

No, he didn't get anybody in trouble!

Hey, Felix!

Oscar? Yeah.

I'm here. Good.

I'm completely calm.

How's Gloria? She's fine.

Has she had a little baby?

No, she hasn't delivered yet.

You notice my questions are without hysteria?

Well, how are you?

I'm a rock.

Why do you have that?

I brought it with me.

Where shall I sit my calm self?

Well, sit your calm self over here.

Take off your jacket, relax a bit...

I'm relaxed.

I'm not nervous.

Nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not having the baby. Gloria's having the baby.

I'm just the father. Good point.

See, I brought some pickles. I want to talk to you about...

What do you want to do, take a shower?

Oh, it's a perfectly normal mistake.

Are you sure you're all right?

Is that hand shaking?

No, but your body is.

Good idea! The doctor!

I've got to speak to the doctor, Dr. Rogers.

Felix, I've been wanting to tell you that.

Now, Dr. Rogers couldn't make it.

He's out of town.

His associate is making the delivery.

I'm calmly asking you:

Is a complete stranger going to deliver my baby?

He'll introduce himself, and he won't be a total stranger.

I'm sure he's a competent doctor.

What's his name?

Dr. James.

Dr. James?!

What is he, the hospital pet?

Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, Dr. Timmy!

What happened to your old calm self?

I'm calm! Watch my racket!

I want to speak to Dr. James.

I'm afraid he's busy now.

He's supposed to be delivering Mrs. Unger's baby.

I'm sure he is! Felix, don't bug these people.

I want to speak to Dr. James!

Excuse me...

Hey! Dr. James!

This is Felix! I want to speak to you! Do you hear me, James?

Dr. James! I'm Felix Unger!

No, no, no, no! Everything's under control!

No sweat, no sweat, no sweat... all right.

All right, now, what's going on here?

Who's been paging me?

Are you Dr. James? Yes.

And who are you?

I am the man who sired Gloria Unger's baby!

What is this?! They send a green kid!

He doesn't even shave yet! Shh!

Felix, will you...? Forgive him, Doc.

He's a little nervous. I want to speak to you.

All right, you'll have to make it quick. All right, you make up.

I'm gonna make a phone call. You see, Dr. Jim,

I happen to subscribe to the old-fashioned notion

that childbirth is a pretty important thing!

Yes, yes.

Well, have... have you done this sort of thing before?

About a hundred times. Mm!

Well, I don't see any rubber gloves.

Don't you usually wear rubber gloves?

No, no. I usually wear a catcher's mitt.

Do you think it's funny to make jokes at a time like this?

It's the best time.

Now, just relax, Mr. Unger.

Your wife is fine.

You'll have to excuse me.

Another thing... belly buttons!

There are two kinds:

the kind that sticks out, and the kind that sticks in.

I want an outie!

No! No! I want an innie!

Look, I don't care how much beer you've been chugg...

You trust that kid?!

Felix, it's you I don't trust.

Now, look, go over there, pick up your racket, and...

I've got to speak to her! I've got to speak to Gloria!

I want to speak to Mrs. Unger.

She's on her way to delivery.

Oh... oh, it's time!

Oh! Oh! She's on her way to delivery!

They're gonna wheel her out here to get her

on the elevator... Look, who's that?

Where? What? Oh, darling! Darling, I love you!

I love you, sweetheart! There's nothing to worry about!

Everything's going to be all right, sweetheart!

Believe me! Believe me!

Well, look for him. I'll wait.

Felix, will you sit down and relax?

They'll tell you when the baby comes.

I'll sit down, but I won't relax.

Oh, God, please let everything be all right!

I'm sorry. Were you speaking to Him?

No, I... I was just thinking.

This your first child?

Yes.

My first one, too.

Flesh is weak.

Yes.

I guess you had to clear it with the... with...

What?

Did they excommunicate you?

I'm not a priest.

I'm a minister.

Oh... oh, I...

Boy, oh, boy, what would we have done

without you chaplains in the Army? I'll...

Look, Steve, I guarantee it'll be safe.

I'll meet you here at the hospital.

Oscar! Oscar, I just insulted a minister.

He's supposed to forgive you.

Felix, look, I got 15 minutes before my contact gets here.

I'm going to get something to eat.

You want anything, huh?

No, no... Okay.

Go restring your racket.

It'll keep your fingers busy.

You didn't... pick up the...

I know it's not for me to... tell you your job, but...

Also, when, when you're cleaning the ashtrays,

I think you should wipe them out, beca...

This is a hospital, and you're supposed to keep things clean.

Your mop is dirty, too, actually...

What are you going to do?

You... you wouldn't do anything

to an expectant father, would you?

No, you, I mean, you wouldn't, no...

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

What? What? I didn't do anything!

Chaplain! Chaplain!

Relax!

Why are you so nervous?

Why am I so nervous?

I'll tell you the same thing I told my gorilla!

I never asked that man to come into my place

with that medicated soap and breakfast.

Who needs that g...!

Excuse me.

There you are.

You sure it's safe here?

Sure, it's safe.

Will you stop the dribbling and come and sit down?

Now, look, I don't have much time.

Who was the first guy to offer you a...

Oscar! There's that man again.

What's he doing here?

It's all right. His wife is having a kid.

Felix, I'm trying to work here, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry...

Who's the first who approached you?

The guard... he dragged me off

to the administrative director's office,

who accused me of attacking a patient,

abusing the hospital P.A. system,

and disturbing a janitor. Felix...!

He said it's easier to get doctors than janitors.

Can you imagine that?

I'm trying to work, Felix.

I'm sorry! Forgive me, was I interrupting?

Yeah, now, who was... Man bawls me out

and his whole office was thick with cigar smoke!

Felix, go hit a pickle against the wall!

Mr. Unger!

Yes.

Congratulations, Mr. Unger.

Your wife is doing fine.

She just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

Oh... there's a new Unger in the world!

Felix, this scoop is going to get me my own column.

When do I get to see my baby?

What's taking so long?

They're just cleaning her up.

You should appreciate that.

Mr. Unger?

Here's your baby, Mr. Unger,

but I'm afraid you can only see her for a second.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, hello!

Hello!

Oh, she's so beautiful!

You know what your name is, sweetheart?

Edna! Isn't that a beautiful name?

You're drooling, sweetheart. That's enough.

You're drooling... Oh, no! Oh, let me!

Oh, please! Oh...

Now, that's what I call a beautiful baby.

Yeah?

Come on, let's go.

What's the matter? You look worried.

Well, how do I know it's our baby?

Oh, come on... No, but they could have brought out any baby.

They all look alike. Oh, no, they have a system here...

No, no, I've read about these things.

What do you want to do? I... I gotta see Gloria.

You can't! She's in recovery! I've got to!

I want to talk to my wife! You cannot see her!

Mr. Unger! Don't do that again...!

Gloria, this is Felix.

You did a terrific job, sweetheart... beautiful!

You shouldn't be doing this, sir! I just want you to know

I'm gonna be investigating this hospital.

I want to make sure it's our baby...

Oscar, help me! Oscar!

Who's Oscar?

Yeah, I saw him come in here, came in with a tennis racket.

I heard he insulted a priest.

One of those nuts, you know how it is.

Well, take care. So long, brother.

That was a beautiful story, Mr. M.

The lunch... ehhhh.

Would you take the pictures down to the paper, please?

Myrna! Hi, Mr. Unger.

Oh, how nice to... How's your leg?

Oh, fine.

Oh, by the way, thank you for all the room freshener

you sent me. Oh, it was a pleasure, believe me.

I just wish I could have come and visited you.

Oh, that's okay.

I understand now.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Take care. Take care... easy.

That's a nice girl.

That's a wonderful girl!

A rotten secretary.

Isn't it always that way?

It's the nice girls, the moral girls,

the ones who wear a bra...

They're the ones who get hurt.

Want a sandwich?

Yeah. Good. Mm-hmm. What is it?

Whitefish.

Ah! I love it.

What's the matter?

Is whitefish supposed to make a noise?