Original subtitles

Very smooth, that's right.

Very, very good.

Okay, up in the sky. Up.

Up, up. Kind of sexy.

Yeah, more, more, more.

Now holy, now demure, now saintly.

Very good, perfect.

Reloading. Perfect, girls.

Just perfect.

Felix, these proofs are absolutely breathtaking.

How did you get that golden glow effect, hmm?

That's mustard.

Just plain, everyday mustard. Mustard?

Oh, that's ingenious.

Yeah, from Oscar's thumb on the lens.

Oh, I wish we had one-tenth

of your kind of creativity in our TV commercials.

Well, heh-heh-heh. Hmm.

I am available for TV commercials, you know.

Felix, there's a new ad campaign

that's starting soon; it'd be perfect for you.

I think I can get the agency

to use you as a director. Really?

Uh-huh. Multiblade.

They want to introduce their new

long-handled razor in a commercial.

Well, I'd be perfect for that.

I shave every day.

They want to use Deacon Jones.

They want to use a minister in a shaving commercial?

He's an athlete,

an all-pro football player.

But they can't reach him.

He won't talk to people.

He's impossible to reach. But if...

if they could reach him, then I can direct it?

Well, sure.

Oh, but there's no point in that now.

Unless, uh... Unless what?

I bet Oscar could get to him.

You want me to ask Oscar

to approach Deacon Jones? Mm.

Well, you want to do the commercial... How dare you!

You only thought of me

for this commercial because I know Oscar.

This is... I'll do it.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Oscar? Oscar, are you home?

No.

Boy, am I glad you're home. I'm glad you're glad.

Give me a towel, will ya, Felix? Listen...

What are you doing? Dripping, will you give me a towel?

You're washing, washing in my kitchen sink?!

Yeah, I couldn't fit in the dishwasher.

What are you, an animal?

I'm a very wet animal, Felix.

No, no, no, not on my curtains.

Here, here!

How can you wash your face in my kitchen sink?

Well, the bathroom sink's broken.

Oh, well, at least you could have called

for the super to fix it.

He called the super.

Don't use your bathroom.

Wait, wait.

Where you going?

It's dinner time.

Even a super has to eat.

But wh-what about our bathroom?

Don't use it for anything.

For anything?

My very words.

What should we use?

Improvise.

The Board of Health will hear about this.

Also the Board of Rent.

We're paying a premium rent here.

We're entitled to certain services... Felix, relax, will you?

Bathrooms are allowed to break down.

What are you so upset about? You're right.

Erase upset. I'm nice. Listen.

What? I have a tremendous favor to ask of you.

Well, hurry up, will you? I got a date.

I have this impossible assignment.

You're the only man who can help me. Yeah.

You could create a whole new me.

A whole new you?

I'd like to put a hole in the old you.

This is serious, Oscar.

I'm sorry. What do you want? Whatever you want,

name it, you got it.

Help me get Deacon Jones

for a TV commercial. No.

What do you mean, "no"?

What happened to "name it, you got it"?

Felix, he's a very shy, reserved man.

And I don't want to impose on our friendship.

First, he brushes his teeth and now he drinks beer.

If I get him for this commercial,

they'll let me direct it.

I'm sorry, Felix, I can't.

Okay, my best friend, tell me where he is.

I'll go to him, I'll talk to him myself.

Are you kidding?

Why do you think they need outside help to get him?

Why do you think he's never done a commercial?

He never talks to advertising men.

What makes you think he's going to talk to you?

But he'll talk to you, won't he?

Yeah, we're very close.

I'm the only sportswriter who never asked him

if both his parents were tall.

He brushes his teeth, he drinks a beer,

now he's going to make a sandwich.

What are you going to do, narrate my day?

Come on, Oscar.

You could do it. Please?

What harm would it do if you just ask him?

I'd hate to jeopardize our friendship.

What about our friendship?

That's already in jeopardy.

All right, Oscar.

Go ahead, wound me.

Doesn't matter. All right, all right.

St. Joan, St. Joan. Forget it, forget it.

I'll try, I'll try, all right?

Yeah, I'll set up a luncheon tomorrow at the Press Box,

12:30, be there, but if you really want him, Felix,

you got to let me do all the talking, you understand?

Fine. Fine, you do all the talking. Okay, just remember.

12:30 at the Press Box.

Right. Gee, that's wonderful.

You won't be late, will you?

'Cause I don't want to talk to somebody

who doesn't talk to anybody.

Felix, did I ever let you down?

No, no. Just one thing.

What? In case you let me down,

what does Deacon Jones look like?

He's bigger than a bread box.

Do you know the correct time?

Last time you asked me that it was 1:00.

It is now exactly one minute after.

Has Oscar Madison been here today?

You see any peanuts on the bar?

Any beer spilled on the floor?

Your stool sticky?

Do you know Deacon Jones?

You kidding?

That's him over there.

Where? Oh! Really?

Could you, uh, could you do me a favor?

What? Could you introduce me to him?

No.

Why not?

Well, you see that big crowd of people

over there around him?

No.

That's right, he's all alone.

Because he likes it that way.

You know why he comes in here? Why?

Because he knows I won't introduce him to anyone.

Do it myself.

Nobody I can't talk to.

Even as a child, they called me the friendly one.

Hey, bartender, can I have a beer?

Hut! Hut!

You don't happen to know the correct time, do you?

Oh, here's a watch, hmm.

Three minutes after 1:00.

Thanks.

You know, I am in a heck of a pickle.

I was supposed to meet my old pal,

Oscar Madison, here for lunch.

He was going to introduce me

to this famous sports figure.

I wanted this famous sports figure

to work in a TV commercial for me

for a heck of a lot of money.

That Oscar Madison, you know, he's always late.

Put it on my tab, Pat.

See you around. Right, Deac.

Halt!

I know I'm not supposed to talk to you.

I know you're moody and shy.

You're fearful of strangers, I understand that.

I understand the trauma,

400 years of slavery, and the bussing.

But in the spirit of Abraham Lincoln,

could you just stay and have a little talk with me?

Let me buy you a drink.

Have I said anything wrong?

Hey, Felix.

Beer, Pat. Right.

How you doing, buddy?

Deac here yet?

Do you see a breadbox?

He's late, huh?

Thanks.

He was here and gone.

Oh, he was early.

No, you're late!

What are you talking about?

Look at that, 12:30. There it is.

That's your new watch, huh?

Yeah, six bucks.

May I see it?

Sure.

Of course I want to direct the show, but I blew it.

We blew it.

He blew it, Oscar blew it.

Well, what are you going to do?

Of course, it meant a great deal to me.

Well, in any case, thanks for thinking of me, Judy.

Right-oh, good-bye.

Hey, Felix, old buddy.

How'd you like to get

Deacon Jones for your commercial?

That's right, rub salt in the wounds, Oscar.

Well, you want him or don't you?

Don't toy with me, Oscar, I'm a loaded pistol.

Well, don't shoot.

You want him, you got him.

Are you kidding? Really?

Yeah. How? When?

Well, I figured I'd let you down,

so I called Deacon, we just had dinner.

We straightened the whole thing out.

You had dinner with him? Yeah.

I'm cooking dinner here.

I've got a kitchen full of food!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

How can you forgive me for the terrible thing

I did to you in the bar?

You mean the watch? You fixed it.

Every ten minutes it asks for a pretzel.

My friend, Oscar Madison,

walks into this house and says,

"Felix, you can be a director."

That's what I said. Close-up.

Pull back to include Felix.

So you told him about the payday

and he couldn't resist, huh?

Are you kidding? He doesn't care about the money.

That's not why he agreed to do it.

Well, why did he do it? Out of friendship.

Oh, I thought he hated me.

He does.

He did it out of friendship for me.

Oh, that's nice, that is very nice.

It is nice, I need the money.

Oscar, you're taking a kickback!

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Look, he keeps his money, I keep mine.

Your, wh... I... your money?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. See, I'm in the commercial, too.

You?

The agency would never sit still for this.

Yeah, but you don't understand.

See, no me, no Deacon Jones.

What are you trying to do?

This is a one-man commercial, Oscar.

Oh, no, see, we rewrote it,

and I'm afraid you're going to have to take it or leave it.

No, but you can't... H-How...? There's no...

Exactly.

I-I can't believe my ears!

How could you do such a thing?

For money.

The bathroom's still broken, huh?

You'd do a thing like this for money?

For money, for prestige, for ego...

Do you know how much Howard Cosell got

for a one-minute thing he did with Don Meredith?

How much? Plenty.

I can do anything as good as he can.

But they don't want you!

They want Deacon Jones!

They got Deacon Jones.

They got me as a the bonus. I told you we rewrote it.

Ah, another bonus.

Felix, we did it for you.

He won't talk. Deacon will not talk.

How are you going to shoot

a commercial with a man who won't talk?

So we figured it out for your good, see?

I'll do the talking, he'll stand there,

look magnificent, and he'll nod.

How do you like that? Wh...

Don't give me that face.

It's a question of one hand washing the other.

Yeah, but now we've got three hands.

I only wanted two.

It's better than none.

Get your pots out of the sink, I got to take a bath.

Now, gentlemen, give me your attention, please.

Uh, no one is more aware than myself that I need you

a great deal more than you need me.

Now, I think we're all a great crew here,

and I think if we pull together,

we can make a really great commercial.

What do you say, team?

Just get out of the way.

We're trying to focus. Yeah.

Start on Mr. Madison,

you come right over to Deacon Jones.

Felix, I have such good vibes about you.

You're going to be a very good director.

Oh, I hope so. This is my life's ambition.

Never fear, your stars are here.

Felix, you know Deacon. Hi.

Hey, there, brother!

Good to have you aboard, Deac.

Uh, Judy Jones, may I present Deacon Jones.

Oh, you're both named Jones.

Huh. Maybe you're related.

Oscar?

Yeah? I'm going over the script now.

Excuse me? What?

Oscar, I hope that, um...

You hope what?

I hope that you, uh... What?

Did you notice that I've had chairs made

with your name and Deacon's on them?

Hey, that's great, like a real movie studio.

Yeah, yeah. That's good.

I did it myself. Good. Come here.

So here's your chair. See?

I painted your name on it. Uh-huh.

So, if you want to sit down,

well, then you sit right here, see?

Oh, thanks, Felix. Thanks.

Oscar?

What?

You're sitting in my chair.

Well, you can sit in my chair.

No, I can't do that, because it's got your name on it.

See? I give you my permission.

You can sit in my chair any time you want to.

Well, that just defeats the whole thing.

If I can sit in your chair and you can sit in mine,

then why put the names on them?

Yeah, why put the names on?

Hmm.

Okay.

I'll just change the...

No. The director gets the taller chair.

Okay, everybody, let's get to work, shall we?

Okay, Deacon?

Hmm?

Oscar...

Deacon's going to be cooperative, isn't he?

I mean, I can talk to him, can't I?

He doesn't have to answer me,

but he can nod his head, can't he?

Relax, will you?

He knows you're the director.

Well, how does he know that when you're sitting in my chair?

Will you take that chair?!

Oscar, here are your cue cards.

I think you know your lines,

but your lines are here on the cue cards if you need them.

You just refer whenever you're in trou...

All right.

Now, Deacon, you don't have any lines.

You'll stand here on the mark I made for you, the toe mark,

and you let the camera be your mirror.

You're going to shave.

Why?

Why are you going to shave?

Why shave?

What is your motivation?

You wake up. It's morning.

You're not fully awake.

You look out. It's a glum day.

You feel low, you feel mean.

The world seems hostile.

You reach for the lather.

You reach for the long, nice Multiblade.

You begin to shave.

Suddenly the world seems a good place again!

Got that?

Hmm?

Right!

Now for the rehearsal, you'll just pretend to shave.

Oscar...

get out of my chair.

Now you're standing over here next to Deac.

Your motivation is...

Money. Can we shoot it, please?

No. We're not going to shoot it now.

This is a rehearsal.

All right, Deacon, will you come up here, please?

Please? Come on, Deac.

You'll toe the line I made for you? Yeah.

Couple of inches forward, please.

May I touch you?

Good.

Okay, this is going to be good.

Move the camera up two inches.

Very good, Deacon.

Does it great, doesn't he?

I don't want your opinion, Oscar.

I want you to say your lines.

What lines?

Your lines on the cue card.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.

Cut. This big guy here behind the shaving cream...

Cut! Is Deacon Jones.

Cut! What's the matter?

When I say cut, you stop. Yeah, but I'm not through yet.

Everybody knows when the director says cut,

everything stops.

All right, we stopped. What is it?

Don't squint like that. Uh-huh.

Yeah. You don't have to shout. You can talk normally.

I want you to be intimate with us and smile now and then.

But the main thing is, just be relaxed, be intimate.

Right, Deacon?

All right, now, start again from the top. Okay.

Hi, my name is... Wait! Wait.

What's the matter now? I didn't say action.

You have to wait for the director to say action.

You're the director?

Yes, of course, I'm the director!

Say action. All right.

Action!

Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.

Don't squint.

This big guy here

behind the shaving cream is Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?

Very good, Deacon.

You're shaving with the new, long-handled Multiblade

safety razor, right?

Very good, Deacon. Smile.

The long hand-led... Handled.

Handled razor with the long reach

to move like a magic wand over the toughest beard.

Right, Deacon? FELIX: Very good.

Deacon, you have shaved with all kinds of razor...

Smile, smile. Smile!

Haven't you? Smile, Oscar.

Smile, Oscar.

And Multiblade really scores with you, right? Right.

Cut! That was very, very good.

That was really speakin', Deacon.

Deacon is fine, but the agency will not go with Oscar.

His whole image is wrong.

What's wrong with Oscar's image?

It's rotten.

Hey, isn't that part of the charm, that...?

No. You'll bring in a pro tomorrow.

I'm sorry, he's out.

But if he's out, then the big guy is out,

and if the big guy's out, then the little guy is out.

Felix, there's a lot of money involved with this.

Let me work with him. I'll let him go now.

I promise you, it'll be great tomorrow,

or we'll scrub the whole thing, all right, please?

All right, till tomorrow.

Okay, team, that's a wrap.

We're going to meet at 9:00 tomorrow morning,

ready to make a commercial.

That was great, Deac, really great.

9:00 tomorrow morning, let's go. Okay.

Oscar will be here, too, won't he? Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, I'll pick you up.

Bye-bye, brother.

Bye, Judy. Hey, buddy, was I great or was I great?

What's Howard Cosell got that I haven't got, huh?

We're going to work on you.

You think you could even get it better?

We're going to work on your motivation. Uh-huh.

I'm going to give you motivation. Yeah.

I'm going to give you a couple of line readings.

Uh-huh. I'm going to give you projection, I'm going to...

But I can't do anything

with this man sitting in my chair here!

Now, you look up.

You're surprised by the camera, and you say...

Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here be... And smile.

Smile... behind the shaving cream is Deacon Jones...

It's a little better, but you see, the thing is,

it should have a nice, casual,

friendly, man-to-man thing with it.

You're standing here, you're talking with your friend,

you're putting some lather in his hand.

You know, it's the camaraderie.

And... A new friend joins you.

The camera's a new friend.

You look up, and you say, "Hi!

"My name is Oscar Madison.

And this big guy here behind the shaving cream..."

You see? A little friendly.

Yeah. Big guy. It's a touch of humor there, colloquial.

This big guy here behind the shaving cream is Deacon Jones.

You know? Yeah.

Okay. Try it now.

So, you're putting the shaving cream in his hand,

and you're joined by a new friend,

and you're surprised, and you say...

Hi! My name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here...

Oscar, that's very, very good.

It could be a little bit more real.

A little bit more solid from the heart, you know what I mean?

What you're doing is good,

but it's got a touch of musical comedy to it.

It should be a little bit more legitimate.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But you want big guy?

Yeah, not so big, a little bit more virile.

And you want the big guy? Yeah, okay.

Now, here we go again, and you're putting the shaving cream

in his hand, and you're joined by a friend, and you say...

Hi. My name is Oscar Madison...

Now, it's a little, it's a little...

Ah, that's enough! I'm through! I never...

This is not Hamlet, you know!

But you see, if you did it like that it would be good!

You said I had it this afternoon.

W-what is it supposed to be like?

Well, you're supposed to say it like you're...

like you're talking, natural.

Not reading, right, Mr. Unger? Right.

Go fix the bathroom.

Look. Hi, my name is Harvey Fafner.

This big guy here behind the shaving cream

is Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?

That is excellent, Mr. Fafner.

Perfect. I'll go fix the bathroom.

Oscar, wait, wait.

Go fix the bathroom, Mr. Fafner.

It-It's fixed, it's fixed.

Look, but I can do this, too.

You know, I can do a commercial.

They're using real people

in commercials now. I know they are.

I wish I could do something for you,

but I can't use you as an actor, Mr. Fafner.

Okay. Uh, maybe you're right.

Who wants to be an actor?

Maybe I better... better stick to what I know best.

Singing.

I do it better than Fafner.

Yes, you do.

It's very, very good, and it's going to be perfect.

Now, concentrate.

Total concentration.

Throw yourself into the part.

Think. Think hard.

What are you thinking?

When do I get my check?

The toughest beard, right?

You have shaved with all kinds of razors, haven't you?

And what razor really scores with you?

Multiblade, right?

Cut!

That is great!

That is perfect!

Do you really think so?

You sounded like Howard Cosell...

Now, we're going to shoot it just like that.

Makeup, come on.

Go ahead.

Start with the shaving cream in the hand.

Rolling, take one.

And... action!

Cut! What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. There's too many things.

That guy with the loud barber poles,

and the guys coming, and I... shaving.

There's too much to do, Felix.

All right, we won't do the shaving...

We'll put, we'll start with the shaving cream on his face.

Yeah. But the main thing is relax.

That was too many things, that was all...

Come on, makeup! Help us in here!

Okay. FELIX: And...

Okay, I'm loose now. Let's go. I'm loose.

I'm loose. Let's go. Clappers.

Come on, Come on. Rolling, take two.

I'm loose, I'm loose, I'm loose.

Action!

I'm tight, I'm tight.

What's the matter?

Ac... Action, not, you know...?

Do you have to do it that way?

It makes me nervous. I have to shout action to you. That's my job.

I'm the director. Yeah, but do you have to do it so loud? It throws me off, see?

All right, I'll do it more soft if that's what you want.

All right, good. Are you still rolling?

Yeah. All right.

Please? Here we go now.

Ready?

Action.

What?

Cut. Where does it say "what" on the cards?

No. I thought you said something. I didn't hear you.

You're the one who asked me to do it quietly!

I'll tell you what it is.

The trouble is, what it really is, is I need

more makeup, see, I'm kind of sticky...

There's not enough makeup in the world for you!

Felix, please.

All right, give him anything he wants.

Oscar, baby, you're uptight.

Let's split. Oh, no, no.

I got to stay for my friend, Deac.

Yeah, the friendly one.

Rolling, take three.

Action.

Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here

be-behind the craving sheam is Deacon Jones.

Cut.

I had a roll going! I was hot that time.

What's "craving sheam"? What...?

You said craving sheam. No, I didn't...

Oh, no, come on!

Well, you ruined the roll for me.

Hold it! Hold it.

Oscar, baby, I'll take that part.

You pick it up where we left off.

You just nod, okay?

Hey, that's a very good idea.

It's just the beginning I'm having trouble with.

I'll try anything. Good, Deac, good thinking.

Good, okay. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Give him the clappers, come on.

Rolling, take four.

And... cut! I mean, action.

Hi. This dude here is Oscar Madison,

and my name is Deacon Jones.

Right, Oscar?

I'm shaving with the new, long-handled

Multiblade safety razor, right, Oscar?

It's the long-handled razor with the long reach

to move like a magic wand over the toughest beard.

How about that, Oscar?

I've shaved with all kinds of razors,

and you know what razor really scores with me?

Multiblade. Right?

Right.

Wow!

Hey, that is a take!

That is a take.

Congratulations.

Hey, hey, hey, Felix, I think I can do it now.

That was... I can do it now.

You did it. I did?

Yes, you did.

Gee, it was easier than I thought.

When do I get my check? Congratulations.

Put me down.

To Felix's first commercial.

Ah. It wasn't bad, brother.

Brother! Did you hear that?

He called me brother!

Oh!

But in a larger sense, aren't all men brothers?

Isn't every man the brother to every other man?

No matter what your profession,

no matter what your standing in the community.

See why I don't talk?

'Cause if you talk, you got to listen.

Bye-bye, brother. Bye-bye, brother.

Bye. Ow!