Original subtitles

Well, this is really something, isn't it?

Oscar Madison up before Felix Unger?

After hearing that sinus sonata, it won't ever happen again.

Boy, we're testy this morning, aren't we?

Maybe you should have some prunes.

No.

What do you want for breakfast?

You want some eggs?

You want cereal? No, I don't want...

What do you want, pancakes?

No. Maybe you should have some prunes.

With you, all the problems in the world

can be solved with prunes.

Many can.

The world is falling around my shoulders,

you offer me prunes.

Here. Read this. What is it?

Looks like a crumpled telegram.

Came 6:30 this morning.

It's a disaster.

What? What, something I'm supposed to know?

Something you're afraid to tell me? What? What?

It's my disaster, not yours.

Oh, thank goodness.

Uh, this isn't bad news.

This is good news.

Yeah, yeah. Your mother's coming in.

I know, I've read it.

Her around-the-world tour

is stopping in New York for two days.

I've read it, Felix, I've read it.

Well, what's so disastrous about that?

I don't know what to do.

I never told my mother I was divorced.

You've been divorced for three years

and you never told your mommy?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple is filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Oscar. Oh.

Oscar.

Oscar, how could you be divorced

and not tell your mother? Why?

Why? Why? Because, that's why, why.

Oh, oh, that explains everything, doesn't it? Because.

Now you're going to have to tell her, aren't you?

You don't have any more choice.

I can't tell her.

You know my mother.

She's a very special person.

She's very sensitive, especially about divorce.

When I told her you and Gloria were splitting up,

she said, "I'm sinking, I'm sinking." Ah...

She likes me, doesn't she?

She likes anybody who's married.

When she gets upset, she gets depressed.

She starts eating candy.

In two days, she devoured 11 pounds

of chocolate-covered cherries.

So I told her that you and Gloria got re-married.

You what?

Oh, how could you do such a thing?

Well, it was either do that

or have a 500-pound mother with problem skin.

How could you lie to your mother?

Well, how did you tell your mother

you were getting divorced? How.

She was informed every step of the way.

She was Gloria's chief advisor and witness.

As far as my mother's concerned,

Blanche and I are like a rock that she can hold onto.

What am I going to tell her now?

That she only owns a piece of the rock?

You should tell her the truth, that's what you should tell her.

Oh, leave me alone.

I called Blanche the minute I got the telegram.

You called Blanche at 6:30 this morning?

Three times.

First two times she said, "Hang up, you pervert."

Anyway, she's coming over this afternoon.

Get off there.

How can you put Blanche through

a stupid, silly charade like that?

It's not silly. She loves my mother.

That's the only thing we agree on.

Come on, eat your prunes.

This is wrong, Oscar.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh, it's only for a couple of days.

See, Blanche and I'll sleep in my room.

Mom'll sleep in your room. Look, he eats with his fingers.

Your mother's going to sleep in my room? Yeah.

Where am I going to sleep?

Your mother's going to see

you and Blanche and me staying here.

What's she going to think?

What...

No. No, I won't.

No, why should I?

Aw, come on, this isn't fair!

Felix, it's not out of choice.

It's for my mother.

Now, we don't have much time, start packing.

No, no, no, you're discriminating against me.

This is not a commune.

We have to extinguish all the facts that you live here.

That you ever lived here. Come on, let's go.

But I've got a crock of pickles maturing in the icebox.

I'm sure they'll grow up very well without you.

Let's go, come on. You're just going to extinguish

every sign that Felix Unger was ever here.

All right, you can leave fingerprints.

And after Felix disappears, where does he appear?

Well, why don't you go to Gloria's?

You're always complaining you don't spend enough time

with her and the kids.

Perfect excuse.

Yeah.

Yeah, that... that-that-that...

Oh, that could be very good for me.

And of course I want to do what's good for you.

Aw, yeah, never mind the "My Buddy" routine.

Just call and go.

I'm doing something for you,

you got to do something for me. What?

Your mother's coming. Go clean your room.

Okay. First eat your prunes.

Not so bad, heh?

Listen, I...

You haven't cleaned this room yet.

What? I'm almost done. Are you kidding?

I could use some help.

Try renting a bulldozer.

Well?

I called Gloria.

And?

Well, she was not entirely unreasonable.

She said I could stay two days and then...

Hey, that's perfect. Two days, that's all I need.

Two days.

What, what, what is that?

It leaks.

I'd like to stay with Gloria forever.

Well, two days isn't bad.

You spend a lot of time with her,

you might rekindle that old flame, buddy.

I have to stay in my son's room.

Top bunk.

Only flame will be from his Bunsen burner.

You know my hanging fern in the bathroom?

Yeah, we've met, we've met.

It has to be watered thrice a day without fail.

Now, I've already watered it once, so that leaves...

Twice. Once from thrice is twice. Right.

Now, make sure the water is room temperature.

Nice water.

Nice, twice, thrice. Right.

Is that all?

No, it... it would help if you tried to relate to it.

How do I relate to a fern, act green?

Look, why don't you take it with you?

Then you'll have all your little friends around you.

Doesn't like to be moved.

All right, I'll do it for you

if you'll do something for me. What?

Tell me how to clean this room.

Well... you begin by making two piles.

Why?

You have to separate and organize your dirt.

One pile is your edible garbage,

the other pile is your inedible garbage.

In the biodegradable pile, you put your food.

You put the tacos and the pizzas...

How about this, is this edible?

For a coyote, it's edible.

Can I help you?

I'm not the one who needs help, pal.

Blanche. Hi, Oscar.

You shouldn't be carrying heavy stuff like that.

Put it over there.

Blanche.

Oh, Blanche. Felix.

You look marvelous, Blanche.

How are you? Terrific.

You lie great. No, no.

You look lovely.

So do you.

How do I look?

Have you tried prunes?

I'll take care of him.

Hey, why'd you bring so much stuff, Blanche?

Why? Because your mother remembers

every piece of crystal she ever gave us.

If this room doesn't look

exactly the way it did when she left,

if there's a cushion out of place, she'll ask questions.

Hey, you're right. We better unpack. Yeah.

Hey, you remember, I think there was a monument here.

You got that? That's one thing...

Oscar. What?

Could you give me a hand?

My teamster card expired.

Oh, oh, here.

Hey, look. Look at this.

What? Your wedding picture.

Oh, am I cute? Beautiful.

Hey, wait a minute. Holy mackerel.

I forgot to return that tuxedo.

Okay, now, how do I look? Did I forget anything?

Fine. Your wedding ring.

Don't forget to put on your wedding ring.

Good heavens, relax, Oscar.

She's your mother.

She has to love you no matter what.

I found it. Good.

It's in the pawn shop.

Don't you have any feelings of sentiment

about that kind of thing?

Oh, I know it's very hard to meet girls

when you're wearing a wedding ring.

I paid for that wedding ring. Come in.

That's right, this is yours. My baby!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

It's so good to be here in a happy home at last.

All over the world couples are in trouble. Trouble?

Yeah, Debbie and Eddie.

Debbie and Eddie?

That was 14 years ago, Ma.

I still can't get over it.

Little Tammy, divorced.

Has anybody got any candy?

Oh, Mom, don't spoil your appetite.

We're going to take you out for a wonderful dinner.

Oh, what a great idea, honey.

Thank you, sweetheart.

We're going to take you out for the best meal you ever had.

We'll use the coupons.

You still save coupons, Ma?

They came with the tour.

Whenever I come to New York,

I go into the finest restaurants free.

See? Dinner for two, $3.99.

For a third person, 49 cents extra.

The April in Paris Restaurant.

Where is that, Oscar?

Buffalo.

Hey, Mom, isn't this fun?

Let's go get some funny hats.

I'm exhausted. You should be.

We went through a whole book of coupons in one night.

I love my funny hat.

And I love our funny headline.

"Oscar's Mom Invades New York."

What's the matter with you? What are you doing here?

I told you to stay away. Boy, do I hate you.

I called first.

There was no answer, so I came over.

There was nobody here, so I came in.

It was an emergency.

What emergency, fern singing?

No, I forgot my atomizer.

It's tough on me being in my son's room.

I'm a sensitive guy.

What happened? You mug a Shriner?

It came with the coupons.

I got one, Mom got one, Blanche got one.

Yeah? Did you get me one?

No. That time I went to the Smithsonian,

didn't I get you a petrified spider?

Here, take mine.

This whole thing is so ridiculous.

Why don't you tell your mother the truth?

Will you forget that, Felix? I'm not going to tell her.

Then let me tell her.

Even when I was a little kid,

I was always the one to bring bad tidings.

I'm good at it.

Felix, she's very happy.

She's not overeating.

All I want is you out of here, but fast!

If it were your son getting a divorce,

wouldn't you want to know?

No. All I want to know is a happy mother.

All I don't want to know is you!

All right.

I'll say hello to Mom, and I'll limp on home.

You didn't notice I was limping.

I noticed. I noticed.

Then why didn't you say something?

Because I don't care.

I fell off my bunk.

Hello! Hello! Hello! How are you?

Oh, I'm glad to see you, Felix.

You look wonderful.

How's your nose?

Well, you know.

Was that you singing?

Yeah. Yeah.

It was nice.

Oh! Thank you. Thank you.

Ditto, Felix.

Yeah, well, he has to go now. Bye-bye.

How did he get in?

Well, he has a key.

And I have a key to his place

because of emergency... We're friends.

Oh. Did you ever see two people so close?

You're like Simon and Garfunkel.

I've traveled all over the world.

I've met people of every nationality,

color and religious persuasion.

But never have I ever seen such caring

and sharing as these two friends.

I've always loved the little guy.

Well, the little guy's got to go now.

Oh! Oh! Listen!

Tomorrow's my last night in town.

Why don't you bring Gloria over here

and we'll have some dinner?

We'd love to,

but we have another appointment.

Oh, son.

Why don't you make him come for me, please?

Oh. Felix, what could I ever say to make you come?

Ask me!

Come!

Love to!

"I'd love to. Just ask me!"

Like I asked him to go to the movies

or something like that.

I can't believe this mess.

I can't open my eyes.

I think it's 'cause I tried to wipe my face on that fern.

I don't believe that man.

Did you see what he did tonight?

I'm telling you, if he blows this thing,

I'm going to let him...

You held up, Blanche.

Thanks.

Well, time to hit the old sackaroonie.

You still make it sound romantic.

What do you want to do?

You want to flip a coin to see who gets in first?

Oh... no. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Okay.

Oh, I forgot... This is your side.

I'm not sentimental, Oscar. Consider it a sublet.

Good night, Blanche.

Good night, Oscar.

Aren't you going to turn the light out?

Oh, yeah.

That's a good idea, you know?

You sure this is okay?

I won't tell if you don't tell.

I'll get out.

Oh.

Oscar, what are you doing?

I'll sleep on the floor. I don't mind.

Don't be silly, Oscar.

Get back in bed. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Thank you.

I'll get out.

Oh, no, no.

That's very funny, Blanche.

I always got my best laughs in this room.

You know, I...

I miss you sometimes, Blanche.

I miss you, too, Oscar.

It's probably in the same times.

Probably.

Well, good night, Blanche.

Good night, Oscar.

Don't try anything, Oscar.

Can you get it, Ma?

I climbed an Alp.

I can get a door.

Oh, Mrs. Madison! Gloria!

Mmm. Oh, it's so good to see you!

Still a beauty. Ah, thank...

Gloria, darling!

Blanche!

Oh, it's so...

What, what do I smell?

I smell meatloaf

in my kitch... in that kitchen.

Oh, smells... Mmm... yeah, pretty good.

Pretty good?

Yeah. Almost there.

Have you put in the oregano yet?

I never use oregano.

You don't use oregano?

How about basil and rosemary?

They're fighting.

How about letting my mother do the cooking.

We'll go in the other room and we'll talk

like Simon and Garfunkel... Five minutes

before it's finished, you'll add a pinch of each.

You'll see. Will you?

Come with me, please. Come with me. What?

What? Where are you two guys going?

Into my room to talk. Why?

I'll show you why.

Come on, let's... What?

I'll show you why. Come on in.

Oscar!

This room is beautif...

There's carpeting on the floor!

Oh, let me get my camera!

All right. Welcome back! Oh, no, don't.

I forbid you to go near that kitchen again!

I was just trying to be helpful.

Oscar, your mother is a dear, sweet woman,

but she's forgotten everything she ever knew about cooking.

She was using a cookie sheet for meatloaf.

And we're gonna be using your teeth

for lima beans if you don't stop

walking around this house like you live here,

which you don't now, which you never will

if you louse this thing up tonight.

Do you want my mother to start eating chocolates again?

No, no, no, but...

this thing isn't going to work.

Why not? Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but...

Gloria and I aren't talking.

What happened now?

I think she's seeing another man.

I think it's your imagination.

No, no, no, no, I've got proof.

This morning I measured the seatbelts in her car.

The passenger side was abnormally loose.

Maybe she went shopping with Kate Smith.

Now you get out there.

You start speaking to her again,

because I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

And if you blow this thing tonight,

I'm gonna kill your fern!

Yeah, I mean it.

Now for dessert... the piece of resistance.

You know, she learned

how to speak French on the trip, huh? Yes.

Oh, German chocolate cake, sprinkled with rum.

Mm! Excellent, excellent!

Ah, coming from you, that's a compliment.

Bring me a beer, will you, Blanche?

Okay. I only had German chocolate cake

with rum once before, and I loved it!

You never had German chocolate cake with rum.

Yes, I did. Once before.

Not with me, you didn't.

Maybe with someone else.

Someone with a hearty appetite.

Felix, it was with you.

I had it at Marino's once.

No, that was seven-layer cake.

This you never had before!

All right! Tonight you'll have it together, okay?

Use your glass.

Come in!

Hi, Osc...

Holy cow!

Mrs. Madison! Murray!

Murray, how are you? Gloria!

Blanche! Wow!

What is this? A reunion?

I feel like I just walked into the past!

Wow!

This should be on Ripley's Believe-it-or-not!

Wow!

Oscar!

Who is that gendarme?

Oh, eh, it's not a gendarme, Ma.

My former friend, Murray the cop.

Oh, Murray.

I'm sorry.

I'm so bad on faces.

Hey, this is really something!

Gloria and Felix and you and Blanche.

Wow! Ma, he just came over

to borrow some money, see.

He's on his way out.

Here. Here, here.

W-what's with the five dollars?

That's a bribe... To keep your mouth shut.

I usually get ten.

Get out.

There's something going on here.

My stomach never lies.

You're trying to hide something from me, Oscar.

Something's going on here

that you don't want me to know about.

And I know what it is.

It's you two.

You're separated, aren't you?

Yeah, Ma, but they're working on it.

That's not the truth.

We're not working at it.

Though I wish we were,

because I still love this woman.

Although she may love others.

Others? What others?

What about that fatso you've been driving around?

What fatso?

They're working at it, Ma.

I know, I know.

Divorce is going on all around the world.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.

You wonder?

I never heard you say you wonder about divorce.

I've gone through some heavy changes, son.

I think you should tell her, Oscar.

Yes, Oscar. Tell her.

All right, Ma.

Sit down. Now, look.

Not only Gloria and Felix

are having a little trouble.

You see...

Well, I don't know how to tell you, see...

Along with Felix and along with Gloria,

I... Oscar.

I... Oscar.

Mrs. Madison... I have a friend.

A very dear friend, a very fine man.

In the course of life, he met a young lady,

and he married her.

She's a very fine person, a very decent person.

She's no raving beauty.

But... she tried to be a good wife.

Certainly she was never unfaithful to him.

But, as will happen

in the course of human events,

this sportswriter, this girl...

somehow fate just seemed to smash all the dreams,

all the beauty, all...

Oh, go ahead, Oscar. Tell her.

Ma... Blanche and I are divorced.

No, no.

You can't have any chocolate

until I tell you the whole thing.

See... we've had problems, Blanche and I,

but we tried to work them out, we really did.

Now, it's not that we don't care for each other, we do.

We're concerned with each other's health

and welfare and...

Well, maybe that's not love, but...

we do like each other a lot.

I think we have more respect for each other now

than we did when we were married.

Now, if... you want some chocolate, go ahead.

Be my guest.

I'll tell you what I'll do, Oscar.

I'll give up the candy

if you won't try to make me stop hoping...

that the four of you will try to get together again.

Oh, Ma, I mean, we can't promise that...

All right!

We'll try. We'll try.

Good, I'll make some fresh coffee.

We should try it!

Why aren't we together?

There is no reason.

Tell me a reason!

I know of none... Except for your tubby friend!

With whom you share your life.

You won't tell me. Don't tell me.

Well, hate to leave you all, but the cab's waiting.

Coming, Gloria?

Coming, Blanche.

Gloria, I hope you'll drop me a line

from time to time, if the spirit moves you.

I think it's important

to keep the lines of communication open.

Felix, I'm going to see you tomorrow

when you pick up the kids.

Good-bye, Gloria.

And Felix... there is no fatso.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Blanche.

Good-bye, dear.

Oscar. Mmm?

Thanks for not getting up.

I wouldn't want you to spoil your image.

That's another good one, Blanche.

Mm...

Nice.

It could use a little work,

but... nice.

She said my kiss needed work.

You're out of practice.