Original subtitles

Good morning, Felix.

Refill.

What's Oscar doing sleeping on the couch? Shh.

He was up all night working on a book.

What's he reading?

He's writing the book.

A whole book?

Mark my words, Murray, there is greatness in that man.

You really think so, Felix?

If I didn't think so, would I have let him

have the apartment to himself all last night?

Why?

So he can write.

I honk in my sleep, see?

So I spent the whole night in a taxicab

riding around town.

What's Oscar's book about?

Sports, of course.

It examines the question

of the killer instinct in champions.

Why does one man...

With all the natural ability in the world...

Why is he a mild, passive man?

While another man with only the same ability

has that savage desire

to smash, to kill, to fight, to destroy?

What makes that killer instinct?

I was born with it.

I don't mind telling you

he's being very well paid for his endeavors.

They gave him an advance of $1,000.

Dead to the world.

He's out like a light.

Sleeping like a log.

Really sawing wood.

With his shoes on.

Look, he's hugging his potato chips.

That's his security blanket.

Wonder how much work he got done?

Should I take a peek...?

No, no, no, no. I promised him we wouldn't look.

You didn't look? Aren't you curious?

It's not nice, Murray.

Felix, I'm a policeman, we're trained to peek.

"Knockout, by Oscar Madison."

Go ahead.

That's it. That's all there is.

Where's the rest?

There's no rest.

I peeked all over...

"Knockout, by Oscar Madison"?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

This is all you wrote?

What's Murray doing in my bedroom?

Was I mugged?

This is all you wrote?!

I gotta run.

This is all you wrote?!

I like your book so far, Oscar.

This is all your wrote?!

Cut it out. I was up late.

Up late... This is all you wrote, a title?

The title is very important.

Would you go see a play called Romeo and Gladys?

I tried, Felix, I tried.

Look at this... 212 pages, that's all I wrote.

You couldn't show me in the basket?

Oh, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

All right, we won't talk about it anymore.

What about your book? It's due today!

Would you cut it out?

I'm as upset about it as you are.

Just don't have a book in me, that's all.

I had such faith.

So did my mother.

All my hopes, all my expectations,

all my sacrifice.

What sacrifice?

I spent the entire night in a taxicab

with a driver named Nunzio Abruzzi...

telling me how Vic Damone sang at his daughter's wedding.

Thanks, but I don't want to talk about it.

That's his orange juice... beer.

I don't have to worry about pits.

All right, Felix, if it will make you feel any better,

I am ashamed.

I just don't have it in me, that's all.

Maybe they didn't give you enough time.

Who could write a book

in the short amount of time they give you?

Felix, I couldn't write the book

if they gave me from here to eternity.

Maybe if they gave you an extension on your deadline.

No, what I need is 50,000 words.

Preferably in sentences.

No, no sugar.

"Of all the words of tongue or pen,

"the saddest are these...

It might have been."

Is there anything left to say?

Yeah, could you lend me $1,000?

You already owe me over $1,300.

Not mentioning the cab fare last night and Nunzio's tip.

What do you need it for?

Well, you know the $1,000 advance

that Harry Thompson gave me for the book?

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, you... you didn't!

What did you spend it on?

Poker? Girls? Potato chips?

Try slow horses.

Oh, Oscar.

Stop with the Oscar.

If you're not going to lend me the money,

I gotta go visit Benny.

Benny the loan shark? Yeah.

He charges 184% interest.

Only to his friends.

Felix, I took the money, I can't write the book,

I got to pay it back.

I don't like to see my friends fail.

Felix, everybody fails.

Caesar failed, Napoleon failed,

Alexander the Great failed.

They weren't my friends.

They were lucky.

Hello, Mr. Thompson?

This is Dr. Abruzzi from the Institute.

Ja. Well, I understand that my patient Oscar Madison

is to deliver a manuscript to you today, is that correct?

Yes or no?

Ja, three days will be sufficient.

Wunderbar.

I thank you.

Mr. Madison thanks you.

Also the Institute thanks you.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

I just did the craziest thing!

You're on my bed, Felix.

Listen, you don't have to go see Benny the loan shark.

You going to lend me the money?

No. I called your editor.

I got you an extension on your deadline.

I used a Viennese accent.

I told...

I told him you were sick.

You lied to my editor in Viennese?

Ja, I said it was a terrible overwork on you.

Well, aren't you going to thank me?

Thank you for what? Pain?

Felix, why don't you listen?

I can't write it. "Can't."

That's not the Oscar Madison I know.

My Oscar Madison doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't."

What are you talking about?

"Can't" is my favorite word.

I use it all the time. I can't write the book,

I can't pay back the money, I can't win on the horses.

When I die on my tombstone it's going to say,

"Here lies Oscar Madison... Couldn't."

Come here, look at yourself in the mirror.

If you can find the mirror.

Look.

Now look at that man,

and tell him that he's not a quitter.

Won't help. He knows I'm a liar.

Keep looking.

The mirror's a liar, too.

Shoe tree.

I've never seen you like this.

So low,

so depressed, so defeated.

Weren't you at my wedding?

I thought you loved writing.

Felix, no writer loves writing.

Dorothy Parker said it best for all writers.

She said, "I hate writing, but loved having written."

I haven't written.

But, look, you've got three more days, Oscar, gratis.

What have you got to lose?

And you've got something you never had before.

What's that? Me!

I'll be by your side.

I work with you, I'll nurse you,

I'll baby you, I'll light your cigars,

I'll change your typewriter ribbons.

If you fail, I fail.

What do you say?

Here are your potato chips.

Go to work.

Felix, it's a lot of hard work. What's in it for you?

Nothing.

All I want is the satisfaction of having helped a human being.

Okay, if you feel that way, I'll try it.

I knew you would! Okay, I will. You're making me do it.

And if you feel like it,

you can dedicate the book to me.

Oh, come on, Felix.

I don't have time to think about things like that.

Of course, I wouldn't want you to spend a second

thinking about... that's why I wrote

a little... a little something here. You wrote something?

It's simple. I think you'll like it.

"To my pal Felix Unger... without whose constant encouragement

"and unrelenting sacrifice

this work would not have been possible."

That's not bad. Okay.

There's more. Listen.

"Felix Unger, a bon vivant

"whose brilliant wit was a constant source of inspiration

"during the long hours of indecisiveness and uncertainty,

"and who made this book a reality.

"Felix Unger, a pal whose very being

embodies the meaning of the word pal,

buddy, friend, helper..."

Felix, the dedication isn't supposed to be

longer than the book.

Let's get to work.

Would you like a piece of fruit?

No, I wouldn't like a piece of fruit.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, I wouldn't like a cup of coffee.

Coffee's a good stimulant.

Felix, I can't keep working

with these constant interruptions!

I won't interrupt anymore.

Your, your whispering is an interruption.

I'm sorry.

Phone ringing all the time.

What are you talk...?

I picked the phone out of the wall

over an hour ago.

It must be the dripping.

What dripping? My sinuses?

No, the faucet.

In the kitchen.

Drip, drip, drippety, driving me nuts.

There is no faucet dripping in my kitchen.

Then somebody in this apartment house

has a dripping faucet.

Oscar, this house has sound-proof walls.

Felix, somebody, then, in the city of New York

has a dripping faucet, because I can hear it!

This is madness. This is madness.

Absolute madness.

And must you walk around?

Your shoes squeak!

Then your feet squeak.

Felix, listen.

When I work, the lit..., the smallest noise

just irritates me.

You won't believe it.

If a guy dropped a pin

ten miles from here, I would hear it.

I can't help it. When I'm working,

my hearing is acute, it's like radar.

What are you laughing about?

I heard the door. Go answer it.

I'm not going to let anybody in.

Now, get back to work. All right.

I'm sorry. Oscar's hard at work.

He's working on the book

and it's really coming along.

He's really rolling this time.

Who're you talking to?

Oh, hi, Murray.

Murray, I... I don't want to be rude, but, uh...

Oscar's really working hard now

and he's got to make that deadline.

So would you mind coming back another time?

Oh, Felix?

Hey, if you want a secluded place to work,

he's got a cabin up in the woods.

Just what I need... a cabin

surrounded by a hundred other cabins.

He says there's nothing for ten miles around.

It was used as a hideout by John Dillinger.

No, I don't think...

Oh, that could be great.

A change of atmosphere. Quiet.

The perfect place to work, Oscar.

I know, but Dillinger. It sounds dangerous.

He says there's no danger.

He thinks the police arrested Dillinger.

I don't know.

Oh, this could be just perfect for you, Oscar.

Think it over... A change of atmosphere.

The quiet, no phones, no traffic, no...

All right, I'm doing. So badly here...

We'll pack. You'll see...

Wait, Murray. We'll be right there!

Well, this is it.

It's not much, but...

Are you kidding? I love it.

It's so peaceful and quiet

I can't wait to get to that typewriter.

Kind of primitive, I'll tell you that.

A lot of cleaning up to do here. No, no, no.

When I'm working, there'll be no cleaning.

I'm sorry, Oscar. The place is a mess.

It's all... Oh, it's great.

I appreciate all your trouble.

Get back in the car, go to the city,

I'll see you soon. All right, don't forget.

I'll be here in three days to pick you up, okay?

Now, listen. There's the bike.

If you need supplies from the store,

take the path seven miles down, okay?

Okay, gotcha. Bye-bye, Murray.

Hey, look, balloon tires.

Aren't you going to put a tissue on the seat?

When I was in school they used to call me "Wheels" Unger.

Yeah, wheel yourself out of here.

Once you know how to ride a bike,

it's something you never forget.

Yeah, okay.

Why, I haven't had so much fun since I was a kid.

It went right off the porch, but I didn't hurt myself.

You're really going to work now, aren't you?

Oh, I can see that gleam in your eye.

You're going to go you're gonna...

Will you get out, Felix?!

I'm on my way. I'll tell you what.

What? I'll get some firewood.

We'll build a great, roaring fire.

We'll roast marshmallows...

I'm gonna roast your toes

if you don't get out of here. I'm on my way.

It's so beautiful here.

"This is the forest primeval.

The murmuring pines and the hemlock."

Oscar! Oscar!

What? Where's the first aid kit?

It's over there. What's the matter? What?

Listen, I was just outside.

I was just enjoying nature.

That's all I was doing.

And I saw this pretty little chipmunk.

He was just a baby, and I said,

"Come here, little chipmunk, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee...

That's the way you talk to them?

Yeah. I said, "bee-bee-bee" and I offered him an acorn.

And he bit me.

I would have bitten you, too.

What's that "bee-bee-bee bee-bee"? What's that?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You made the beds, you unpacked.

What is this? No, well, you were right.

The place was filthy.

So's your room at home. You don't clean that.

Yeah, but I don't share my room with anybody.

I want to do my fair share, that's all.

Oh, Oscar, what are you doing?

You're just avoiding wri...

This is all you've done in two hours?

"What is the killer instinct?"

I'm looking for the answer.

How time flies when you're procrastinating.

Yeah, you're right, Felix.

You fix your finger. I'm going to work.

I really am gonna get it this time.

What's the whistle? How can I work if you're gonna whistle?

Come here and help me.

Do you want me to scrub up with you?

Now, listen.

I want to talk to you seriously.

I've been thinking about your problem.

Yeah?

Do you know what you have? What?

You have what they call writer's block.

No kidding.

Yeah. All the greatest writers of history

have had writer's block.

Yeah, cut right there. Easy.

No kidding?

But they've all had a trick,

a way to break the block.

George Sand used to sing polkas.

Did you know that? No, I didn't know that.

Yes. Guy de Maupassant

fantasized about beautiful girls.

In what way?

In every possible way.

It freed his imagination.

F. Scott Fitzgerald tap danced.

Did any of these guys eat to break their writing block?

All right. I'm starved.

I'm on my way. I'm on my way. Watch me.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

I'm gonna take the bike. I'm going to the store.

I'm gonna get supplies.

It'll take me all afternoon.

Now you have no more excuses.

30 pages. Get to work.

30 pages. Believe me.

30 pages. Good-bye, good-bye.

Good-bye, good-bye.

Now, it's a whole different ballgame.

♪ Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪

♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪

And I got a barrel of nothing in my mind.

De Maupassant, De Maupassant,

I'll never get any work done this way.

Let me see.

Oh... yeah.

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Okay.

Here we go.

"Puttin' on my top hat, tyin' on my white tie,

Brushin' off my..."

Felix, did you get the food?

Ow... What'd you do, wreck the bike?

No, I wrecked my back.

Ooh. Let me help you, let me help.

I'm all right. Now, you just get back to work.

That's all that counts. Well, you look like you're

in bad shape, Felix. My condition doesn't count, Oscar.

The book is the only thing.

Oh, Oscar, I'm a broken man.

Here, you lie down. Lie down.

I'll go down to the store, and I'll get some help.

There's no one at the store. I was just there.

The store is closed.

Closed? Since when?

Since they captured Dillinger.

He was their only customer.

Tell me what happened, Wheels.

I swerved to miss a rabbit and I hit a tree.

You hit a tree because of a rabbit?

It could have been an endangered species.

A rabbit an endangered species.

Don't argue with me at a time like this.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And that's not the worst of it.

Look at this thumb.

While I lay there against the tree,

the rabbit came up to me,

so I reached out to pet him, and he snapped at me.

Maybe the chipmunk told him you were delicious.

Oh, again with the brave whistling?

I'm hungry, Felix.

Get back to your typewriter.

I'll... I'll fix this in no time.

I've got Unger toughness in me.

I'm going to fix you a dinner.

Good. Here.

What do you got? I thought the store was closed.

Oh, I've got a pocket full of acorns.

And the woods,

the woods are full of nuts and berries.

Who wants nuts and berries?

I can't live on that. I need meat.

Are you kidding?

The local Indians subsisted

on nuts and berries.

That's why we haven't seen any local Indians.

Well, your chipmunk and your rabbit

could have meat, so could I.

What is that... nuts and berries?

Right here.

What have you got there?

That's a boom-boom-boom for bee-bee-bee-bee.

Where'd you find that?

I found it here earlier, while I was procrastinating.

Oscar, we're not hunters.

Speak for yourself, John. I need meat.

No, no. I can't let you do this.

Hunting is wrong.

So is eating shrubbery.

Let go.

Oscar, no. I can't allow this.

Oscar, please.

Oh, now I got a splinter from the wall.

Oscar.

Oscar, I'm not going to stand idly by

while you slaughter defenseless animals, Oscar.

Get out of here, will you?

They're all going to want ice cream.

I'm so hungry I could eat...

Look. Wild geese. What?

Wild geese. They're coming this way.

No, no, no. Look at this.

No, no! Felix, don't do that.

No, run. Run. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Go, go. Duck, geese.

"Duck, geese"?

All right, they're leaving.

You happy now? Yes.

At least I spared them.

I spared them the depredations

of a ruthless killer.

They're coming back. Keep honking.

You're calling them back.

Keep honking, Felix.

They're coming back.

Keep honking, keep honking. No!

It's a trap. I'm a decoy. Go away.

Why didn't you shoot?

I couldn't.

I'm not a killer.

Well, I'm proud of you.

Ah, I'm a coward.

No, you're not.

You're the bravest of the brave.

If I'm so brave, how come there aren't

a lot of dead geese around?

Because it takes much more courage

not to kill than to kill.

Yeah?

Compassion is the most difficult thing

for the human heart to learn.

Killing is easy.

Felix, that's it.

Of course that's it.

No, I mean about the novel.

That's why I haven't been able to write it.

I've been trying to write it from the killer's point of view,

but I don't have the killer's instinct.

But if I do it from the other side...

Nobody's ever done that before.

It's never been... That's marvelous.

I can write it now!

Oh... oh, great. Oh, great.

Well, hello, little frog.

Hello.

Hello, little frog. Hello.

Ouch!

I did it.

I actually did it. I wrote a book.

A whole book.

I can't believe it.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.

I hope I'm not too early.

You kidding? You timed it perfectly.

Hey, I hope you're going to buy my book.

Oh, sure.

Hey, how soon before it comes out in paperback?

Thanks a lot.

Well, I think we got everything.

Yeah. Where's Felix?

Saying good-bye to his furry, feathered friends.

Oh, I'll bet he really had a ball up here, heh?

Uh, not really.

Why? What's the matter?

Well, he found out it's not nice

to fool with Mother Nature.

Hey, I'll take the bags. Okay.

Hey, Murray. I saw your car.

I'm taking the bags to the car.

Aw... I finished.

Boy, am I proud of you.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate

all the things you did.

Did you, uh... did you write the dedication?

Of course I did.

I got it right here. There it is.

"This book is dedicated to one of nature's noblest men,

who helped me when I needed him most,

my friend, Murray the cop."

You dedicated the book to Murray?

Ooh, I forgot the typewriter.

Oh, Oscar, how could you do a thing like that?

Oh, I was only kidding.

Here's the real dedication.

"This book is humbly dedicated

to my dearest friend, Felix Unger,

who had more faith in me than I had in myself."

You know, I think you might have added one more thing.

The man who taught me not only faith, but courage.

A man, who when savagely attacked

in an unprovoked and ungrateful way by a wild animal...

A wild animal? A chipmunk was a wild animal?

Never complained, never shouted out.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.