Original subtitles

Here, Myrna. Take it down to the paper right away, will you?

I got to rest a little bit. I got to cover the hockey game.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy?

Is that ulcer hurting "Oh, boy"?

Feels like I swallowed the Middle East.

Are you going to have dinner, or is that it?

Felix will be home soon. He'll fix me something.

Go, will you? Bring it down.

You know Milt Dubin down at the paper?

He died last week.

I didn't know.

Will you go already, Myrna?

He was the obituary columnist.

Myrna, they're waiting.

Keeled over in the middle of writing up

somebody else's death.

They're waiting already!

A complete stranger had to write up his obituary.

You going to go?

I'm going.

You really ought to slow down, Mr. M.

I'd hate for anything to happen to you.

Nobody else would hire me.

Oh, hi, Mr. Unger.

You look terrible.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Felix. Listen, I got to cover a game.

Make supper right away, will you?

Oscar, I can't move.

Every bone in my body aches.

Even my earlobes ache.

I know how you feel.

Oh... nobody knows.

Eleven hours today.

I photographed little children eating breakfast food.

One tiny tyke drooled on my ankle.

A heavyset kid rammed his tow truck into my shin.

And an angel-faced little girl made sissy in my camera bag.

Success has a hollow ring.

My stomach has a hollow ring.

Will you make supper already?

Oh, Oscar, I can't even think about supper.

Get that, will you?

Sure. Come in!

It would take a miracle to get me off this couch.

Hello, my sons.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

I'm Brother Ralph.

I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Life Mission.

I gave at the office.

I'll just take a moment.

Once a year, the Brotherhood of Life

goes around collecting for our mission

in upstate New York.

Looks like a nice, clean mission.

Looks like the Alamo.

We're a nonsectarian group

devoted to the simpler things in life.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll donate ten dollars

if you'll make me a simple hamburger.

Oh, Oscar, this is a man...

I'll make supper.

I'd be glad to make him something.

You're both exhausted from your quests

in the world out there.

It's the least I can do.

You would make him a hamburger?

For a ten-dollar donation, I'd make him chicken cacciatore.

Tell you what. Listen. I like mustard, ketchup,

Tabasco sauce, and some chili.

No onions?

No. I got an ulcer.

I got to run.

Oh, Oscar. Did you ever, in your life,

see anyone with an ulcer eat like that?

Yes. Me. Worse.

Your stomach is worth more than that.

Oscar, you hear? Slow down!

Felix, the man is a monk.

What does he know about deadlines and taxes and alimony?

Here's my donation. Thanks.

If you ever want to go into society again,

you can get a job as a short-order cook. You'd be very good.

There was a little too much Tabasco sauce.

I had a regular job.

I was head of the Decker Advertising Agency.

I had 1100 men under me.

You're Ralph Decker!

I did an ad for you once! Remember?

The talking bra?

Yes, yes.

Gave it all up.

One day, I looked out my office window,

and I saw a bluebird.

All I wanted to do in the world

was look at that bluebird.

I had a headache, my eye twitched,

I smoked five packs of cigarettes a day.

Every light on my phone was lit.

I answered them: one! two! three!

And, when I was done, the bluebird had vanished.

That day, I packed up

for the Brotherhood of Life for a month's retreat.

That was ten years ago.

You just quit.

Said good-bye to the talking bra.

Well, I have some more stops to make.

Here. A little something from the Felix Unger Studios:

portraits a specialty.

Oh, bless you, bless you.

And remember our brochure.

You may like to come up and spend some time with us.

I still can't get over

that you came in here and cooked our dinner.

Well, the Lord travels in mysterious ways.

Why not through hamburger?

Be well.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Did you see my blue tie, Felix?

Blue tie. You see it?

Where were you working last? Desk.

That's where it's got to be... at the desk.

Oh, you're right.

I used it to clean my typewriter.

It's for you.

Hello. Yeah. Yes. Yes, Mr. Topskin! Yes!

Oh, yeah, we put in a good day's work today.

Yes, I love working with the little people.

Sure. Yeah.

Well, I'll have the proofs on your desk by noon tomorrow.

8:00 in the morning? Well, that... that's outra...

Come on. I'll have to work all...

Well, of course I want the job.

Yes, you'll have them by 8:00 in the morning.

Good-bye, Mister... Oscar, can you imagine?

Oscar! Hey! Hey!

Now they want this job finished

by 8:00 in the morning!

Can you imagine that?

Means I'll have to work all night!

Take a pep pill. That's all I can do.

After that, I'll take a sleeping pill!

I'll take a diet pill.

What else can I do?

How the hell they...?

Stop! What's the matter?

Look at us!

We're running around like lunatics.

We're losing our bluebird.

Out of my way, Felix. I'm late!

Oscar, I've made a decision.

Tonight, you can find me at Brother Ralph's,

seeking contentment.

Tonight, you can find me at Rhoda Zimmerman's,

seeking contentment.

And now, gentlemen,

for the next step in our orientation,

Brother Lou will call your name

and distribute your robes.

Once in your robe,

you'll be referred to as Brother.

Tucker, H.

Yes! I come here once a year to get away from my factory!

What do you make? Megaphones!

My company is the largest manufacturer of megaphones

in the whole country!

You know the majority of your "sis-boom-bah's"

and your "rah-rah-rah's" are shouted

through Millman megaphones?

How nice.

Millman, S.

Here!

See you later. Cheers!

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do? Unger, Felix.

My name is now Brother Lowell.

Brother Lowell. What business are you in?

I'm in shoes.

Ah! Manufacturing?

No. Shining.

I have a shoeshine stand in Yonkers.

Really?

Yes. Some of us still do it, you know.

Ah.

Unger, F.

Excuse me. I'm Unger, F.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

What is it, Unger, F.?

What do we wear underneath these?

It doesn't matter. Nobody peeks.

No wonder it took them so long to copy the Bible.

Oh. Hello.

Everything all right, Brother Felix?

Yes. Yes. I was just writing a postcard.

I had the most wonderful day today, Brother Ralph.

I stared at my hand for two hours.

I had forgotten the beauty of my hand.

Very good.

Well, if you want anything at all, just abstain.

Remember, your inner self is you.

How true.

How true.

Hmm.

Actually, my foot is just as interesting as my hand.

This little piggie went to market.

This little piggie went home.

This little piggie...

Brother Oscar.

So this is it, eh?

Yeah.

What's the matter? No room at the inn?

Oh, Oscar, don't be a heathen.

Well, what happened? What changed you?

What brought you here? Did you see a vision?

No, I saw the X-ray of my ulcers.

The doctor said either I take a short rest now,

or I take a long rest permanently.

Oh, boy. Not a very spiritual reason, is it?

But you're going to have

the most marvelous experience here.

Oscar, do you know what I did today?

I stared at my hand all day long.

The hand is an amazing instrument, Oscar.

Each finger can move individually.

Or they can move in unison.

Or in any combination.

Look. The thumb can move with the pinky.

Or the forefinger with the thumb.

Or with the pinky, or in any combination.

You better cut it out.

You won't be able to use any fingers.

Mock if you will, Oscar, but you'll find out

that contemplating your hand can be very rewarding.

Yeah, only if it's holding a can of beer.

Oscar, will you stop that?!

It's time to go to bed... it's 8:00.

8:00 already?

Gee, I'll have to take a nap tomorrow morning.

Isn't there anything to read? No.

Felix, I can't go to sleep without reading.

No magazines in the Brother John?

Good night, my fellow man.

I, too, am used to reading before I go to sleep,

but here we meditate and sleep.

You don't understand, Felix.

I can't go to sleep unless I read.

What are you doing?

Reading my toothpaste tube.

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I read it when you're finished?

As a special part of our midweek dinner

we ask each brother to share

some moment of his meditation with all of us.

Brother Samuel, will you begin?

I stared at a flower today!

I stared at a flower today.

I don't think I've ever really looked at a flower before,

but it was so beautiful.

I talked to the flower.

And all its petals blew off.

Thank you.

Uh, Brother Horace.

Oh, I didn't meditate, per se.

I worked in the carpentry shop.

I'm in the military... and I've made decisions

that have changed history and won battles, per se,

but I have never known

the sense of accomplishment that I felt today

when I requisitioned some pieces of wood

and made one small house, bird...

with these hands.

Would you care to inspect it?

May I?

Oh! Mmm...

Oscar, look... look. See the little door?

And inside there's a place for water.

I don't want to see it.

Oh, but the man worked so hard at it.

Oh, come on. Who wants to look at a G.I. birdhouse?

Brother Felix, would you share your revelations with us?

Gladly.

Today... I watched an anthill for five hours.

Can I look at the birdhouse?

Brother Felix has the floor and our attention.

As I watched the ants, I saw that one little ant

was having trouble carrying his load.

The other ants carried theirs with ease,

scurrying to and fro,

but this one little fellow couldn't handle his.

I was rooting for him.

I always root for the under-ant.

Well...

he tugged and he pulled and he pushed,

but he just couldn't do it,

and finally he shrugged his shoulders and... gave up.

But the other ants did not abandon their little friend.

They rushed to his side and carried his crumb.

I thought that I, too,

should help my fellow man carry his load.

Amen.

Here, here, Brother.

Brother Lowell?

Well, I just laid all day on my cot, with eyes closed.

And he's the social director.

Brother Oscar.

Oh, I don't have anything to say, sir.

Don't be embarrassed.

Surely there must be something

that's been on your mind these past few days.

Boy, do I miss Rhoda Zimmerman.

Yes. Well, uh, it's a start.

And now I see by the old shadow on the floor that...

it's time for unsupervised communication.

Another interesting thing about the ant...

Again with the ant?!

Brothers, let me tell you my most inner thoughts.

I am bored. And I am going to take these sugar cubes,

and I am going to make them into dice.

Anybody who wants a spiritual uplift,

it will be floating in my room!

This is blasphemy!

Blasphemy! What are you talking about?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.

We're just gonna find out how mucheth.

I'm glad to see that all of you have enough sense

not to follow that pagan.

Forget my ant.

I'd like to tell you my impressions

of some clouds I saw today.

Clouds that looked like flowers.

Clouds that looked like animals.

And one cloud that looked like a chicken salad sandwich.

And though I know it sounds clichéd,

I actually saw the oft-mentioned

cloud with a silver lining.

We don't have any money.

I'll write it on the parchment.

We'll play for "I.O. Thou's," okay?

You! are the world's worst monk!

What are you talking about?

We're just going to have some fun.

Fun, yes. Fun, all right, but not like this.

All right, if you have to have some excitement,

I'll tell you the big secret.

What?

Brother Lou accidentally let it slip today.

What? It's a biggie.

What is it?!

Tomorrow...

we all get to take a ride on the donkey.

Why don't you go back to looking at your hand, see?

See if you can get your fingers to move in unison.

See, you have them close and make a fist.

Then punch yourself in the mouth.

Brother Oscar, examine your psyche.

Oh, go examine an ant hill or something.

Let her roll!

Nine! The loudmouth's point is nine.

All right, come on, baby!

Brother needs a new pair of sandals!

Psst, psst. Brother Ralph.

Eat the dice! Eat the dice!

I can't. I'm diabetic.

What have we here? A mass meditation?

I had to report you, brothers, for your own good.

I'm sorry. It was my fault.

I started the game. I was going crazy.

Would you please all go to your cells?

Brother Oscar, this is your cell.

We have to have certain rules here

so that all can experience what they came for.

Part of our goal here is to create an atmosphere

where each man can meditate undisturbed

by another man. I know. I'm sorry.

I guess I just don't fit in here.

Look, I'll pack and I'll leave.

I think you'd benefit more by serving penance.

Each brother took a vow to stay a week.

I'd hate to see you break that vow.

I think penance would do you

a world of good, Brother Oscar.

You're not a vow-breaker.

Okay. I'll serve penance, then.

Naturally you'll serve a penance, too, Brother Felix.

Me? But why? I...

I know you weren't indulging in the game,

but here we also frown on men turning in their fellow man.

It's an unwritten commandment...

Thou shalt not fink.

Brother Lou is our penance director.

Hmm. Brother Lou?

Hmm.

They will get up at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow

and bake the bread.

They will be silent for 24 hours.

Three marks on the slate for speaking and you fail.

Well, we'll get the slates, then.

Not a very stiff penance.

Yeah, but you'll fail.

You can't keep your big mouth shut for 24 hours.

Go finking on your fellow man!

All right. I sinned once.

But I think I can keep silent

better than a weak-willed, fun-crazed person I know.

Boy, I'm going to get even with you.

I'm gonna make you speak.

Oh, is that, is that your challenge,

Brother Madison, monk of the messy?

Yes, Brother Unger, saint of the stool pigeons!

Brother Lou will be in listening distance

at all times.

Remember, three marks and that's it.

Your silence begins now.

Good night.

Good night.

All right. The gambler here, and the fink there.

And remember... no talking.

The blob!

Why don't you bake your stomach?

Gesundheit.

It's a tie ball game.

Look out! That's hot!

I'm the one who talked.

Thank you, Oscar.

And that's three.

Well, that was quick.

We'll pack our things and leave, Brother Ralph.

We're... we're deeply ashamed.

Why are you leaving?

Well, isn't that the punishment for failing?

No, there is no punishment.

You failed at a task and were forgiven.

Possibly when you go back out there

your employees or friends or loved ones

may fail at something and you won't be so hard on them.

People do fail, you know.

Well, if the bread's ready, uh... why don't you wash up?

We'll have breakfast.

Oh, Oscar, what...

what a beautiful lesson we learned.

What?

We learned the lesson of forgiveness.

And the Big Man up there looking down

sees a new Felix and a new Oscar!

Come on! now, don't turn into a religious fanatic.

The Big Man up there doesn't even know Oscar and Felix.

Here comes Brother Oscar.

Now remember, he's had no fun.

He's been very depressed,

Nobody would eat his bread.

He failed "no talk,"

He's been reading everybody's toothpaste.

So let's show him that we're fun guys.

We'll give him a boost.

Hi, Brothers.

What's going on here?

♪ Brotherhood of life, that is our name ♪

♪ Contemplation and reflection, yes, that is our game ♪

♪ If you're feeling beat, come to our retreat ♪

♪ And you'll surely meet someone who feels the same ♪

♪ Until you ignore your former pessimiz ♪

♪ Undemanding, understanding, yes, that's all there is ♪

♪ If you want to live, then you've got to give ♪

♪ Your fellow man a helping hand ♪

♪ And he will probably offer his. ♪

Where's the donkey?