Original subtitles

That is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

One little thing, if I may.

The hands crossed... Yeah, that's nice.

That is just nice... Regal but relaxed.

That is nice. The hair, if I may.

Just a little bit off the face,

just because that's always

much nicer off the face.

Yes, that's nice, that is nice,

that is perfect, that is absolutely...

I'm sorry.

Don't panic, there's nothing to panic about.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I've... This is the first time I've ever photographed royalty.

Oh, please,

I'm really a very ordinary person.

Oh-ho-ho, Your Royal Highness

Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg, an ordinary person! Hm!

You jest with a commoner.

This is an honor I will never forget.

Isn't he charming? Such manners.

You could pass yourself off as a duke.

Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Rykof.

You know, if this photograph turns out well,

it could become a stamp.

A stamp! No!

As a matter of fact, the gentleman

who photographed my mother became a knight.

Sir Felix Unger...

Knight of Lichtenburg.

Well, perhaps I'd better cleanse the royal lens.

There we are.

Now I think everything is perfect.

And we will be... Just...

I'm terribly sorry.

I seem to have forgotten to load the camera.

If you'll forgive me, Your Highness,

I'll step into the darkroom for just a moment.

Could I go with you?

I've never seen a real photographer's darkroom.

Nothing much to see.

It's dark.

Well, I don't mind the dark if the company's good.

Let's go in and see what develops.

A little Lichtenburg humor, huh?

Your Highness. Your Highness.

Felix, did you take the laundry ticket?

I need my underwear.

Hi, honey. Where's Felix?

I beg your pardon? Felix.

Oh, Mr. Unger, he's in the darkroom.

Oh.

Haven't I met you before?

It's not the first time you worked for Felix, is it?

Hey!

Weren't you the girl on the mouthwash commercial?

Didn't you gargle during the World Series last year?

Bruno, see if Mr. Unger's available, will you?

Yeah, Bruno, tell him I need my laundry, will ya?

But, you know, Felix is very good at his job,

but sometimes I think he's off his rocker.

I mean, a pretty girl like you comes in,

he ought to put you in a bikini or something,

show off your great shape.

You know? I mean, a little cheesecake. Cheesecake?

Yeah. Hey, now, wait a minute, don't think I come on strong

like this with all the models, I don't.

I like you. You got class, see.

You're not like those other dogs.

He photographs animals?

The worst.

Listen, uh, I was thinking maybe we could go

have a little dinner, the Roller Derby,

you know what I mean? Tonight? I don't think so.

Hey, how about ice hockey?

I'll get you an autographed puck.

See, I know all the players... I'm afraid not.

Why not? The way I'm dressed?

Oh, I was playing ball in the park.

That's why I'm sweating like a pig, see... but I'll shower.

Oscar... what are you doing here?

Striking out.

What do you say? Oscar.

What?

This is Princess Lydia.

Princess Lydia.

I'm sorry. I heard of you!

At the Silver Slipper, you do the act with the pigeons!

How do you get them...

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Would you step this way, please?

Would you leave? We'll discuss this later.

What, do you got first dibs on this chick?

Her subjects have first dibs on Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg.

Oh, will you cut it out. Oscar!

This is her Royal Highness,

Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg!

This is Miss Rykof, her secretary.

You're the secretary of the princess?

This is Bruno, her chauffeur.

And you're the chauffeur of the princess.

So you must be the princess.

Felix, I been trying to pick up royalty.

Boy, am I a schm... Oscar! I'm sorry!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Come on, eat a little something.

Not another night of sitting there

not touching your food. Oscar!

I made your favorite.

Lasagna and French fries.

I'm eating, I'm eating.

No, you're not.

There's nothing on your shirt.

What's that got to do with it?

Because when you eat you always spill something on your shirt.

Now I'm eating.

Oh, look what he's doing!

Cut it out! You've made such a pig of yourself.

All day long, all I was thinking about

is how I offended the princess.

I made such a fool of myself.

"I'll get you an autographed puck.

And I'll take you to the Roller Derby."

I'd like to tear my tongue out. You're exaggerating this

out of all sense of proportion.

Believe me, she wasn't that upset.

She say something after I left? What did she say? What? No, nothing, nothing.

Mm, she muttered something about...

What? Dungeons.

It's nothing.

Would you cut it out?

Stop trying to cheer me up.

I don't even want to think about how I embarrassed you,

my best friend. Don't worry about it.

I'll get over it.

I'll even get over losing my knighthood.

Knighthood? She was gonna make you a knight?

Nothing definite. Oh, boy.

Neither was the stamp.

What stamp?

There was some talk if they liked the picture

they were going to put it on a stamp. Oh...

It's nothing, it's nothing, believe me.

It's nothing, it's nothing. Nothing?!

People all over Lichtenburg

would have been licking the back of your picture.

Aw, Felix, break my arm, put me on the rack,

stretch some sense into me. Will you stop it!

You're making me blue, and I'm a cheerful guy!

You're a cheerful guy?

Why do I always act so stupid in the presence of people

who are socially higher than I am?

I got to get over that.

Oh, Bruno, am I glad to see you.

Will you go and tell the princess how sorry I am.

Apologize, tell her I haven't been able to eat,

and I haven't been able to sleep.

Tell her how terribly sorry I am.

I'll send her a little trinket!

He must have been double-parked.

Oscar.

Guess what? What?

I've been invited to a royal tea by Princess Lydia.

Oh, Felix, then you can apologize for me.

When you see her, tell her how sorry I am.

I will not. Why not?

You'll do it yourself. But I can't... I'm not invited.

It says I can bring a date. You're my date.

Felix Unger, court photographer.

I'm so happy to see you!

I did so enjoy being in the darkroom with you the other day.

Thank you, Miss Rykof.

Is my friend Mr. Madison here?

Well, I haven't seen him.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

And her Royal Highness, Princess Lydia?

Oh, well, she's right over there.

Ah! Yes.

Excuse me. Mr. Unger, how good of you to come.

Your Royal Highness,

wild horses could not have kept me away.

You look enchanting.

Thank you.

Your dress is lovely.

Thank you.

Isn't this a lovely day?

Yes, it is.

Uh, may I present, the Marquis of Remington?

How do you do? Count Polski.

How do you do? The Consul from Nigeria.

How do you do? His Excellency, Carlos Venetti.

How do you do? Lord Hollingsworth.

How do you do? The Right Honorable Philip Parson.

How do you do? The Right Reverend Monsignor Kontos.

How do you do? And the Earl and Countess Stanhill.

I'm late.

Hey!

Oh, you're Mr. Unger's friend.

Oh, hi, Miss Rykof.

I want to see the Prin... Oh, there she is.

Ah, Mr. Madison, how nice to see you!

Isn't this a beautiful day? How nice of you to come!

Oscar. What's the matter?

Oscar. What?

Your clothes. What about 'em?

I told you to wear a morning coat.

I wear this coat every morning.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

I wore a tie and everything.

Surely you remember the Princess Lydia. Yes. Hello, Princess.

Hello there, Mr. Madison. How are you?

I trust your laundry came out all right.

Oh, yeah, great. I'm wearing it now.

Your... Your...

Your Highness. Your Highness. Your Highness.

Your Royal Highness, actually, but it couldn't matter less.

Mr. Madison, may I present the Marquis of Remington.

How do you do? Count Polski.

How are you? The Consul from Nigeria.

Brother. His Excellency, Carlos Venetti.

The Right Honorable Philip Parson.

How are you? And the Right Reverend Monsignor Kontos.

Nice to see you, Father. And the Earl and Countess Stanhill.

Earl. How are you? Countess.

Nice to see you.

Listen, I'll tell you why I'm late.

See, there was an accident... This truck hit

a wagon full of watermelons, and they went all over the street.

See, and I helped the guy pick them up.

That's why my hands are sticky.

A little warm water...

Can I see you for a moment, please? Yes, of course.

Would you please excuse me, Marquis,

Consul, Your Excellency...

Oh, you all know who you are.

Certainly.

I'm only gonna stay a couple of minutes...

I came to apologize.

I'm awfully sorry for the way I spoke to you the other day.

Your Highness, I'm terribly sorry,

but I must see you for just one moment, please.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, I'm the Consul of Nigeria.

You mentioned something about watermelons.

Oh, yes, there was this accident, see,

and they went all over the street.

Oh, yes, how sad.

About this watermelon,

is it a food of your, uh, of your people, uh, yes?

Yes.

Interesting.

Oscar. What?

Hmm? What, hmm? What's that, hmm?

Hmm? What, hmm?

Are you behaving? Are you making me proud?

Oh, would you cut it out.

I'm going to apologize, I'm going to split.

I won't embarrass you.

What's this?

It's a good thing I hate tea.

Why don't you order a beer?

Mr. Madison, I'm sorry we were interrupted.

Oh, yes, hey, listen...

Do you mind, Felix? Do you mind?

Cut it out.

I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved the other day.

See, it goes back to when I was a kid.

When I looked at you,

I should have known you were so sweet,

and so delicate, and so divine, and... so busy.

That caviar?

Mm, come on... Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

I-I-I, it... it's sticky... Warm water.

Ladies and gentlemen, everyone.

Signor Vargas, the cellist,

is ready to play in the music room.

Ah, wonderful.

Won't you all come this way?

Oh, what a dream.

Vargas, I'm very fond of him.

Maybe he'll play the Bocharini.

Oscar. Yeah.

Come on in.

Ah, the Bocharini, I got it on a record at home. Come on. Come on.

I don't want to hear it. What are you sitting that way for?

I always sit this way at a tea party. What did you do?

Nothing. What did you do?

It was an accident. Oh, no, no.

No, oh, you disgraced yourself.

Look at that. That's horrible. I know.

Sneak out. Get out now.

I haven't had a chance to apologize.

I'll apologize for you. Now get out.

No, she won't know why I've gone.

Would you leave now? No, I'm not going.

I'll go to the bathroom

and get a wet towel or something.

Oh, Mr. Madison, aren't you coming to hear the music?

Well, uh... You've got a spot on your pants.

Yeah, well, clumsy... the guy came in...

That happened to me at the White House last week.

My tiara fell in the mayonnaise.

They use mayonnaise at the White House?

On everything.

Here, let me fix it.

Oh, no, don't do that... not with your new scarf. Oh, no, that's all right.

It's... it's, oh, it's old.

300 years.

Oh, please get up, please.

No, look, it's nearly gone.

Look, I only came over to say I'm sorry.

Oh, you mean about yesterday? Yeah.

But I enjoyed it.

You're a very funny man.

But I tried to pick you up.

Yeah.

Oh, Your Highness, arise.

Felix... We have to get this...

Go hear the Bocharini.

Please excuse me. The Bocharini's waiting for you, go ahead.

I'm terribly sorry.

Oscar. Yeah?

Your country is watching.

What happened?

Felix, you're going to think I'm some kind of nut,

but I just had the greatest evening of my life.

Hmm, what happened?

Nothing. That's what was so fantastic.

We didn't do anything.

Just being with the Princess, that was all.

Hmm, what did you do?

I took her to the Statue of Liberty.

Wow, you're a spender.

Was she impressed?

Well, I know I was impressed.

It was the first time I've seen it.

She went there last week with the State Department.

She couldn't wait to get back, huh?

Now, the State Department

didn't take her on the Staten Island Ferry.

The State Department didn't buy her a big, fat salty pretzel

with mustard on it.

You bought her a salty pretzel!

Oh, boy.

You can laugh if you want, but she loved it.

Felix, I can't tell you what an evening...

What did you do?!

Nothing.

We just talked to people, people talked to us.

That's all we did... Talk to strangers.

She knighted a wino.

I'm telling you, New York never looked so great to me

as it did tonight.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Then we stopped at Manny's delicatessen for a bite to eat.

The Princess and the Pastrami.

And, uh, you know what happened when I took her home?

She had heartburn.

I kissed her good night.

Well, Bruno was banging around the back,

so it was a little peck.

You pecked a princess.

Maybe she's kissing every frog she meets...

Oh... I didn't mean it, you know that.

Anyway, this frog is taking her out Thursday night.

I'm taking her to that formal dinner at the Regent.

The Regent? Yeah.

The dinner at the grand ball

for the grand duchess of, uh... uh...

Yeah. whatchamacallit, yeah.

See, she needs an escort, so she asked me.

How 'bout that?

Felix.

I think I'm falling in love with a princess.

Oscar, it's 3:30 in the morning.

Look, am I ready to be presented at court?

Yes. Night court.

You're impossible, Os... Take me again.

Take me through the receiving line, please, come on.

Oh, one more time.

All right, go out the door. Try to get it right.

Who are you going to be?

Are you going to be the Grand Duchess?

Be quiet out there.

It's 4:00 in the morning. People are trying to sleep.

Knock on the door silently.

How do you knock silently? Shh, just do it.

How do you do.

You don't shake hands with the butler.

What's the matter with you, Oscar? You're such a schm...

Well, I didn't know you were playing the butler now.

All right, come on, come in.

Don't go out again. Come on.

So we go down the receiving line.

The gentleman always goes first.

First you shake hands with the Grand Duke.

I'll be the Grand Duke. Right.

And now you take the Grand Duchess's hand.

I'm the Grand Duchess... I kiss her hand.

No. I kiss her foot.

No. I lick her stamp.

No. What do I do? I don't know.

You bow over her hand. That's all.

You don't say anything.

Nothing... unless she speaks first.

All right, try it again.

Don't go out. Just come down.

All right, so you're walking down, I'm the Grand Duke.

You shake hands with the Grand Duke.

You take the Grand Duchess's hand.

Oh, you're Mr. Madison, the sportswriter, aren't you?

Yeah, Duchess.

How'd you know that?

You don't say, "Yeah, Duchess."

You talk classy.

You say, "Yes, Your Royal Highness, I am."

All right, go again.

This is impossible. Try one more time.

All right, you're coming down the line.

I shake hands with the Grand Duke.

He doesn't say much, does he?

All right, now, I'm the Grand Duchess.

You take her hand, you bow.

Ah, you're Mr. Madison, aren't you?

You forgot to ask me if I'm a sportswriter.

So maybe she will, maybe she won't.

She's... she's an unpredictable duchess.

I don't want to talk to a ding-a-ling duchess.

I just... you are... whatever happens, just nod, say nothing.

You're uneducable.

You can't teach you anything.

You suffer from invincible ignorance.

Well, you have no patience.

All right, never mind. Let's start from scratch.

So now we're coming in to dinner.

Now you're going to show me how you sit down.

Well, I usually bend my knees very, very slowly...

Wrong.

It's been working for 30 years. No.

First you pull out the chair for the lady.

All right. Then you sit down.

You like a nice full sleeve?

No. Narrow sleeve.

Narrow sleeve.

You like a narrow cuff?

No cuff at all. No cuff at all.

High rise or low rise?

High rise. High rise.

Look, look, gentlemen, I'm a busy man.

Let's get on with this. Sit down.

I want this suit to be perfection.

This man is meeting royalty.

You think my goods never touched royalty before?

Give me a king, I'll give you a size.

Will you just do the measurements, please?

Now, I tell you what I'd like.

I want it to be neat,

but not... not corny, you know what I mean?

Styled, yes, but not too far out.

You understand?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Well, we, we have several choices.

We could, eh... we could, eh, pull it forward,

or brush it back, or we could, eh, fluff it up on the sides.

What do you recommend?

A hat?

Hi, Your Royal Highness.

I don't know. I'll ask him.

She wants to know if you want to go to the ball.

She's got a date for you.

Oh, I'd love it.

Yes, yes. Good.

Who's the date? Uh, Miss Rykof.

N-N-No, I, I don't think so, no really.

Oh, do it for me. Go ahead.

Yes, all right. Good.

Yes. It's all set.

Yes, he said he would.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

♪ ♪

Oh, it's a...

There we are, there we are, Miss Rykof.

Oh, Felix.

I just love you.

You're so charming, and you're so skinny.

I can get my fingers around his wrist.

Oh, let's play a game.

What would you like to play, Miss Rykof?

Oh, what do American boys and girls do

after the party's over, hmm?

Well...

generally the, uh... the girls go to bed,

and, uh... the boys go home.

Oh.

And I think it's getting a little bit late.

Let's not rush off. No, no, let's...

Miss Rykof,

could I persuade you to give me a royal tour?

Oh, I'd love to.

Come on, skinny.

Would you like to see the Royal Seal?

Yes. Where is it?

In my room.

Oscar...

Oh, Miss Rykof has that marvelous capacity

to relax when the day's work is done.

Oh.

Hey, you realize it's first time

we've ever been alone?

Won't you sit down, Oscar?

Oh, thank you, Your Highness, thank...

Would you like a drink? Oh, yes, I would.

You know, this whole evening has been a revelation to me.

I mean, I thought that you people... I...

all of these people were... were different, but they're not.

No, not at all.

I don't want to brag, but, eh...

I thought I carried it off pretty good, don't you think?

You were charming, Oscar.

A perfect escort.

Thank you very much.

Sit. Sit.

Oh, after you.

Beer?

Mr. Unger said it was your favorite.

Ah, but he insisted that I open it.

Thank you.

Hey, I had a great time at that party.

I'm glad that duke didn't mind when I stepped

on his wooden foot.

I'm glad he was a good sport.

He's also a terrific tap dancer.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To probably the greatest evening of my life...

Here's mud in your eye.

And I hope to see a lot more of you.

Oh, well, I'm afraid not.

We're leaving tomorrow, you know.

You're leaving tomorrow?

Can't you hang around for a couple more days?

Well, being a princess makes it rather difficult

to hang around very much.

Although I would like to.

But you'll be coming back.

Oh, it's possible.

Well, it's also possible

I could be going to Lichtenberg, right?

I mean, cover sports.

Hey, was your country entered in the Olympics?

Yes, but, ah, we only had one man.

What event was he in? All of them.

How'd he do?

He died in the relays.

Really?

It's a local joke.

I'm sorry, when you live in a small country,

you have to have a sense of humor.

Well, since...

since you're going away, uh...

You know, I, I won't see you for a while.

I...

Well, this is going to be hard to...

I was wondering if there's any...

well, you and I are...

if, if there was any chance that we could be, uh...

Friends?

Well, a lot more than friends.

Well, I was wondering if, if...

you and I... together, uh,

I don't know how to say it... Oscar...

are you proposing to me?

Yes, I am.

Thank you, Oscar.

But, uh... I'm afraid marriage is a...

very complicated thing for me, uh...

You know, diplomacy and things like that.

Do you know I've been engaged for 15 years?

To a prince

in Iran. Do you love him?

I've never met him.

He's, um... sort of a trade pact.

What kind of trade pact?

Well, we get oil and they get me.

Well, they sure got the best of that deal.

Oh, Oscar.

I'll remember this evening

for the rest of my life.

You will?

I sure know I will.

Hey, you better be careful.

You're liable to turn me into a prince.

I'll do better than that. What?

What are you doing? What's that?

I dub thee Sir Oscar Madison,

Knight of the nice guys.

You're kidding.

I'm afraid I am.

My quota for knights has run out this year.

The wino was the last one.

Oh, come on, skinny.

Will you tell Felix that I'm ready to leave?

Yes, I will.

Okay.

Bye, Oscar.

Bye.

Did you have a good time?

All right, so I owe you one.

Remember what the poet Tennyson said.

"It is better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all."

All right, Oscar... you lost.

But also... you gained something.

You gained... a beautiful, new experience.

You gained... a new polish.

A... a panache.

You learned to live on a...

on a somewhat higher level.

You now have a new awareness...

of style, of grace, of elegance.

I salute... the new Oscar.

Thank you, Felix.