Original subtitles

What's the matter? Am I disturbing you?

Would you kindly put the paper away?

You can dope out the horses on your own time.

What's holding Mr. Cosell up?

Unger, Howard Cosell is a very busy man.

My agency was willing

to do this commercial at his convenience.

Now, he'll be ready when he'll be ready.

Do you mind?

That's a fine way to do a commercial.

Suppose I said I'll be ready when I'll be ready?

We'd fire you.

You're not Howard Cosell.

I always thought photography

was supposed to be a photographer's medium.

Now... now, look, Unger, Howard's a star,

but he's also a very intelligent man

with a great sense of humor,

so please, handle him carefully.

You know who you're talking to?

Felix Unger, photographer to the stars.

I know how to handle the biggies.

Hey, Felix.

Hey, working with pretty girls, huh?

What are you doing here?

Please, do me a favor... Lend me $50, will you?

I got a hot tip on a horse running at Belmont today.

Here's $50, Oscar. Get out of here.

"Here's $50, Oscar. Get out of here"?

What happened to 20 minutes of,

"What did you do with the money from last week?

What about the ant and the grasshopper?"

You've got eyes, yes? Yeah.

You can see I'm busy? Yeah.

Please go. Listen, you got anything smaller?

I got a cab waiting downstairs.

You took a cab to come here to borrow money?

I was afraid I might miss you.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Okay, I'm going. I'm going.

All right, the big man is ready.

Let's get start... Oscar Madison!

What a terrible surprise.

What are you doing here, Cosell?

Making money. What are you doing?

Panhandling the better neighborhoods?

That's very funny, just like your clothes.

I like that.

Still jealous of the great ones,

eh, Madison? Great ones?

How much talent does it take to sit behind a microphone,

feed straight lines to Don Meredith?

Look who's talking.

The poster boy for the Famous Writers School.

What do you know about writing?

Writing takes skill.

And don't you wish you had some. Why...

You fellows know each other?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Did he ever tell you how we met?

The press box is right next to the broadcast booth.

One day, I went over to drop an empty cookie box

in the garbage bin.

Turned out to be his desk.

And I remember where you got those cookies!

You mugged a Girl Scout.

Is he bothering you, Mr. Cosell?

Never when I'm making money.

You remember money, Madison.

You borrow a lot of it.

Unger, get this show on the road.

Right. Now, Mr. Cosell,

you're on the beach, it's a hot summer day,

you're surrounded by two beautiful girls.

But you're wearing a collar and tie because you're cool.

You're cool because you're drinking Spring Cola,

the cool drink.

You better give him a straw

or he'll swallow the whole can.

Quiet in the studio, please!

Girls, now, you'll smile up at Mr. Cosell.

Yeah, like as if he was human.

Don't be jealous of me, Madison.

After all, someday somebody will ask you to endorse something.

Like illiteracy.

Are you kidding?

The only reason you got this job

was because Meredith and... and Gifford

wouldn't wear that stupid hat.

Unger, now he is bothering me!

Get this: Either he leaves or I leave!

Leave!

Wait a minute.

I was willing to go at first,

but I'm not going to let him bully me into going.

You heard me! Get out of here!

No! Listen, I'm staying! Get out of here!

Howard, what do you think of that?

That's all right with me, Madison, 'cause I'm leaving.

I don't need this from a bush leaguer!

You're nothing without Don Meredith!

You're wrong again!

You don't even know his name.

His name is Dandy Don!

Dandy Don. You hear the kind of humor, girls?

The guy... the guy's name is Don Meredith.

He says Dandy Don...

All right, so he started it,

he provoked you, he instigated it.

Couldn't you walk away?

Couldn't you turn the other cheek?

But you... you kept after him until you ruined me!

Oscar, my career is just getting ready to zoom!

Did you know that, in high school,

I was voted "The Most Likely to Succeed"?

Even the judge said that my divorce

was the best one he'd ever presided over!

How do you spell "irreconcilable"?

I-double-R-E-C-O-N-C- I-L-A-B-L-E.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oscar, I'm yelling at you!

Now, I demand that you go back to Mr. Cosell and apologize!

I mean it, Oscar.

Don't wash your hands. That's good work.

Okay, come on, what do you say?

No more kidding around, huh?

Come on. No more nonsense.

What do you say? Going to go back?

Going to apologize to Mr. Cosell, hmm?

Will you relax, Felix?

That's just what I've done.

Here. Read it.

What? Read it.

"An Open Apology to Howard Cosell.

"Dear Howard..." Oh...

"I admit writing, in the past, columns

"that fans have called you, among other things,

"a babbling baboon, Gentleman Jerk,

"the Mouth that Roared, Kid Nausea, etc., etc.

"I must apologize. That's not true, Howie.

"That's not what the fans call you.

"That's what your...

"That's what your friends call you.

What the fans think of you cannot be printed in this..."

What... what are you doing?!

This is insane!

What...? Now, what do you call this?

I call this Tuesday's column.

I'm going to burn that bigmouth's ears off.

I'm going to show you Tuesday's column.

There's Tuesday's column!

I got a carbon copy.

Felix, you're my best friend.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're making a mess?!

I know... I know it's important to you,

but he tries to humiliate me every chance he gets.

It's a personal thing.

Oh, sure, and my life

just comes under the heading of "miscellaneous."

I'll try to make it up to you some other way.

Come in!

Hi, Mr. Unger.

You look relaxed.

Is the copy ready, Mr. Madison?

Yeah. Here's the copy. Give me that! Give me...!

Oscar, I hate to threaten you!

Oscar, this hand is registered at the police station!

Oh, all right. Here! All right?

Tuesday's column. Go!

Give me that, come on. All right, go!

You know, it's cute the way you two play.

It's nice to see you again, Mr. Unger.

You seem happy.

"That's cute the way you two play."

I wouldn't take it so hard.

Of course you wouldn't!

It's not your career. It's my career.

What are you talking about?

Oh, never mind!

Never mind!

I'll find work.

Maybe I'll rent a pony

and take pictures of kids in the park.

Kids have money these days.

I'll make five, six bucks a day, easy.

Will you cut it out?

Maybe I'll go down to the expressway,

photograph accidents.

If I'm lucky, I'll be in one.

Oh, get your jacket.

I'll take you out to dinner.

It'll cheer you up. Come on.

I already cooked dinner.

You did?!

Your favorite.

Lasagna and french fries?

Look in the icebox.

Ooh! Felix!

You made my favorite dessert in the whole world...

Boston cream pie.

Did you ever know a Monday when I didn't bake?

It's delicious.

Also, your shirts are ready.

All right, I'll apologize to Cosell!

You will? Yeah.

And you'll apologize nice?

Yeah, I'll be nice.

Don't eat with your fingers.

The Giants have the momentum,

and it looks as if they're going to get on the scoreboard.

It's their ball, first and goal to go, on the Eagles' six.

Attaboy, Giants! Attaboy! Go! Go!

Did you see that play? Did you see that play?

Did you do it?

How did you get in the press box?

I said I was a friend of yours.

You shouldn't lie, Felix.

Did you do it?

Felix, can't you see we're in the middle of a game?

Aw, didn't you apologize yet?

I told you I'll do it. I'll do it later.

Oh, look at that! Look at that play!

Fantastic! Look at him go!

I didn't see anything! What happened?! What?

Read my column tomorrow and you'll find out.

I probably missed the best play of the season, Felix.

Come on, let's go apologize.

Why are you bothering me?

Do I bother you when you're working?

Oh, they blocked the extra point!

What? Who blocked? What? What blocked? Who blocked?

Madison, why don't you bring a radio to the game?

Will you get out of here?

There's a time-out on the field.

Now is the time to apologize.

Come on. I better do it.

I'll miss the whole second half.

A truly remarkable play!

He scrambled, spotted the receiver

at the final possible instant,

hit him with the touchdown pass.

And so the Giants lead the Eagles six to nothing,

but it's still early in the game.

We'll be back with the Giants' kickoff in a minute.

Right now, let's cut to our studios

for this message.

Cut!

Hi.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Cosell.

Frick and Frack.

I didn't know we were having a clown show

at halftime.

Look, Cosell, I didn't...

Mr. Cosell, Oscar has something he wants to say to you.

Well, why don't we do it a little later?

No, come on; come on, now. Now's the time.

Well, listen, Howie, you know, this morning...

well, uh... the behavior... well...

You still speak beautifully.

I want to apologize about my behavior this morning.

Okay? All right? You apologize?

You're making progress, Madison.

At least you've accepted the fact that you are a buffoon.

All right, I give him nice, he gives me buffoon.

Calm down.

Now, both of you men are acting like children.

Now, come on.

Oscar apologized, Mr. Cosell.

Why don't you two great guys shake hands?

Come on. Come on.

There we are!

Now, don't you both feel better?

Of course you do.

And, since we're all friends again, Mr. Cosell,

I hope you'll come back to my studio

and finish the Spring Cola ad.

Why not?

If you can make Madison humble, you've earned a second chance.

Ahh! Didn't I tell you he was a terrific guy?

Thanks, Mohammed.

The Eagles are lining up to receive the Giants' kickoff.

We'll pause now for station identification.

I hope your cold gets better real soon.

What cold? I don't have a cold.

Ah! The old sinus trouble, huh?

Felix. Felix.

You know, I'm an expert on that.

Believe me, if you could

see the inside of your sinuses,

you'd be appalled.

Once, my voice was a nasal twang just like yours.

That nasal twang is the single most identifiable voice

in all broadcasting!

Right. And tomorrow, when you come to my studio,

you'll use my inhalator.

I'm not coming, so start inhaling without me.

You're not coming?

Mohammed, get this inane drone out of the booth.

I'm on my way. Thank you.

But if you could hear yourself say "inane drone,"

you'd clear your sinuses.

What's so funny?

Tell me.

I want to know. What's so funny?

You're beautiful.

You're just beautiful.

The look on his face when you talked about his sinuses.

Oh...

that man was so vilely abusive!

What a temper.

Feet on the sofa is funny?

What did I do?

Man blows his biggest account, he says, "What did I do?"

But it wasn't my fault, was it?

The man was completely unreasonable.

Felix, it was your fault,

and he was perfectly unreasonable.

Now, what you have to do is go down, apologize,

and straighten it all out.

Oh, come on!

How can I go back there?

You saw, he... he threw me out of that booth.

You observed how rude that man was to me.

That's the way he is with everyone.

He's in the rude hall of fame.

Felix, I'm telling you, you got to go down, apologize,

and humble yourself.

Fat chance, buster!

I have my pride.

I had my pride; I went down and humbled myself for you.

Ah! That's different. Why is that different?

'Cause that was your pride. This is my pride.

Then don't apologize.

Wah-ah! Don't apologize.

I need that job.

Then do apologize.

I... I can't. Well, you got to make up your mind.

I know, that's why I thought...

maybe... you'd apologize for me.

You've got to be kidding! No.

I apologized once to Cosell. That's plenty.

Now, no more. Mm, yeah, but you ike it.

He apo... you accepted it.

You apologized... Yeah, but then you ruined it

with your whole nasal routine.

But how can I go back to him?

You... you heard what he called me.

He called me an inane drone.

What's an inane drone?

Well, it's a... dull bee.

You are an inane drone.

Oscar, I believe you owe me an apology.

Are you kidding?

I would rather apologize to Cosell!

You got it.

When that white light flashes, Charley,

that's when I have to start to talk.

And this is my monitor,

on which I see the very same picture

that you fans get at home.

This is neat, Mr. Cosell.

I sure am glad I won that contest.

Well, Charley, it's my pleasure.

The Scouts meant a lot to me when I was a youngster,

and it makes me feel good to see you this, ah...

happy.

My troop leader says

you do lots of nice things for the Scouts.

Don't let that get around, Charley.

It could spoil my whole image.

Do you really know all the names and numbers of the players,

or do you use a scorecard?

I never use a scorecard, Charley.

Just look down at that empty field.

Imagine the Baltimore Colts are down there.

The defensive unit has taken the field.

Just sit back and say, now, fans,

let me set that Colts defensive unit for you.

78 is Bubba Smith, 81 is Billy Newsom,

76 is Freddie Miller, 85 is Roy Hilton,

56 is Ray May, 32 is Mike Curtis,

83 is Ted Hendricks, 20 is Jerry Logan,

21 is Rickie Volk, 44 is Rex Kern,

and 47 is Charlie Stukes.

Wow, Mr. Cosell.

That's fantastic!

You're absolutely right.

Oh, Howie, they told me you were here.

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

What is it, Madison?

I can come back later.

Hey, you're Oscar Madison,

the sportswriter, aren't you?

Yeah. I recognize you from your picture in your column.

Do you?

Wow, wait'll I tell the guys

I met Howard Cosell and Oscar Madison.

Make sure you tell them in that order, Charley.

Just sit right there.

Look, this is only going to take a second.

I want to talk to you about Felix Unger.

You know, the photographer.

You mean he's given up his ear, nose, and throat practice?

He means well.

Look, this account is very important.

Now, let him take your picture.

I can't stand that kind of aggravation.

The guy's an...

Inane drone. Inane drone.

I know, I know. But do it for me.

No! For old time's sake.

Howie, do it... do it for the Scouts.

Do it for the Scouts, who are kind and cheerful and obedient.

Do it for the Scouts who look up to you

as a kind, good, forgiving man.

You don't care how low you stoop.

I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Howard.

I always said you were one of my favorite people.

Mr. Madison. Yeah.

Boy Scouts are also truthful.

Oh, I got thrown out for lying.

Yeah!

Hi.

Hi, Myrna. Just in time.

That's me. Dependable Myrna.

Column for tomorrow.

You already have a column for tomorrow.

I do?

Yeah, your exclusive interview

with Yogi Berra's wife.

You know, "Catcher in the Kitchen,"

or "Behind the Plates."

That's in today's column.

No, it isn't.

What's in today's column?

Your open apology to Howard Cosell.

You're kidding!

Oh, don't get upset.

I took care of it.

Oh, dependable Myrna.

Nothing's too much for you to handle, is it, dear?

Well, that's what I'm here for.

You spelled... Forget the spelling!

I called the editor. I told him to kill the story.

What happened? Well, he tried,

but I convinced him not to.

You?

You convinced him not to?

Why?

Because it was the best column you ever wrote.

You know, Mr. Madison, you're my favorite author.

What happened to Dr. Ruben?

Oh, you don't have to go out.

I got a copy. I'm not going out for a paper.

I got to go to Felix's studio.

What do you want me to do?

Roll bandages.

There we are.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I don't like to be picky,

but I want everything to be just so.

As long as I can get to the Super Bowl by next January.

Let's take some of that shine off.

There, that's good.

Still got a little congestion in there, haven't you?

Hi. Just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd drop by, see how things were going.

All finished, heh?

They shot Gone With the Wind in less time.

What's holding you up?

This is an art, Oscar.

Things take time. Excuse me.

May I talk to you for just a minute?

All right, I'll finish off... This is very important.

Oscar, things are going well.

Don't louse them up.

Will you let me talk to you?

I wasn't able to kill the column.

It's in today's paper.

Myrna loved it, so she printed it.

Will you cut it out?

He obviously hasn't seen it yet,

so take the pictures fast. Right, right.

Use fast film. Let's go, let's go!

Chop-chop! Come on, let's go, now, now!

All of a sudden you're a dynamo?

That's the way I am.

When the moment comes, I seize the inspiration.

Where's Phyllis?

She went out to get something.

She figured you weren't even going to get to this today.

Fine, we'll start without her.

Here we are. That's fine.

Very good.

Here? Yeah, yeah.

With Madison in the ocean?

No, no. With you in the ocean.

Come on. Out of the ocean.

Here we go. Here we go.

Phyllis, where have you been?

I had to run down and get the paper.

Get rid of the paper. We're going to shoot Mr. Cosell's close-up.

Madison, you mean somebody actually buys your paper?

No, you're not supposed to be holding the paper.

You got to hold the cola.

Oh, I was reading your article about Mr. Cosell.

But you're too pretty to read!

What article?

Smile, Mr. Cosell.

"Babbling baboon."

"Gentleman Jerk."

"The mouth that roared."

Big smile, Mr. Cosell.

"Kid Nausea"?!

"The Duke of Dribble."

"The Baron of Boredom."

You do the commercial. I'm finished.

I think I got it.

Craig Morton hands off to number 33, Duane Thomas.

Up the middle behind good blocking.

The 30, the 35... Down hard on the 37.

First down, Dallas.

There seems to be an injury out there on the field.

I can't yet detect who it is.

While the trainers are going out

onto the playing field,

I'd like you fans to meet my guest in the booth,

First Class Boy Scout Charley De Marzo

of Mount Vernon, New York.

Welcome aboard, Charley.

Thanks, Mr. Cosell.

Charley, of course, is the winner

of the "Why I Want to Be Like Howard Cosell" contest

in a thousand words or more.

And a little later, Charley's going to try

his hand at broadcasting one of the plays.

Nervous, Charley?

A little.

Ah, you'll be just fine.

Right now there's a time-out on the field.

We'll be right back.

Boy, Mr. Cosell.

This sure is exciting.

Well, I'm glad to see

that you're enjoying it so much, Charley.

Seeing you this happy makes me feel just great.

What's the matter, Mr. Cosell?

Listen, Howie, I want to explain about the column.

He never meant to print it.

Never, absolutely.

This column? Yeah.

"Cosell: A Cacophony of Cockamamie Clap-trap."

I'm sorry.

You know, it didn't bother me at all.

I got a lot of calls today.

Madison, you're going to make me even more famous.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Are you trying to tell me you're not mad?

You're not going to try to get even?

No.

Stick around.

Back at Yankee Stadium, live, fans.

And we've got a special privilege

in store for you today.

In addition to having our young Boy Scout friend in the booth,

we've got that eminent photographer, Mr. Felix Unger,

and, of course, the ever-popular sportswriter,

Mr. Oscar Madison.

Right now, we're ready to resume the action.

Let's turn the microphone over to Charley.

You ready? Yeah.

You're on.

Dallas has the ball,

first and ten at the Giants's 37 yard line.

Hayes split to the left, Garrison in motion.

Staubach takes the snap from center,

fakes a hand-off to Hill.

He fades back to pass.

He fires down the sideline,

complete to Hayes, and he's dumped hard

on the Giants' 49 yard line.

Charley, that was just terrific!

Now, a special treat for all of you fans.

You are going to hear one of the most popular

and best-known sports reporters in all the world

describe the next play.

Madison, you're on the air.

There's nothing wrong with your sets, ladies and gentlemen.

It's just Oscar Madison telling the fans

all he knows about football.

And a good, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Oscar Madison speaking.

And Staubach takes the snap from center,

he fakes a hand-off to Duane Thomas elegantly,

and fades back to pass.

He's looking for a receiver.

He can't find one. He's scrambling.

He's scrambling with the dexterity of a lizard.

And now he elects to run with it himself.

And he's stopped cold at the line of scrimmage.

No gain on the play.

No gain, but a lesson for us all.

And what is that lesson?

It is a lesson that is the message of all sports:

Try, try again.

For all men, no matter what their race, creed, or color,

no matter who they are,

coming from all our humanity,

is the love of fair play.

And speaking of fair play,

this is Oscar Madison signing off and reminding you

that a quitter never wins and a winner never quits.

And now, back to Howard Cosell.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'll recap the three plays you just missed

right after this announcement.

How was I?

You were just great.

A little nasal...

More coffee, Mr. Cosell?

No, thank you, Unger.

How about some more Boston cream pie?

No, it was stale,

but, uh, totally digestible.

You're not holding a grudge, are you,

because I took over for Oscar?

No, that was a gallant gesture for your friend.

You're really a noble drone.

And your effort served as a flattering comparison

to illuminate my own special talents.

Hmm...

You know, I wrote a lot about you in that article.

Some of it was true, some of it wasn't.

But one thing is true.

You're a great sportscaster,

and I'm going to write that in my column tomorrow.

Well, that goes without saying.

But follow your own conscience.

And now, gentlemen, I must take my leave.

Oh...

And so another long day's journey into night

for the gifted one,

when he had to surmount the mediocrities around him.

But at least on this occasion,

the exposure to the whole

American public of the utter paucity of talent

of a given sportswriter and a given photographer.

To paraphrase John Keats in his final letter to Fanny Braun,

"Fare thee well, friends.

I could never gracefully bow."

Feigning a smile of hospitality,

the ungrate Unger begins to clear the table

in the performance of those menial tasks

which have been his lot since the...

And with his usual aplomb, Oscar Madison finishes off

the last of the Boston cream pie.