Original subtitles

Mr. Madison!

It's me, Myrna.

Your secretary.

I let myself in like you said.

Mr. Madison?

Ah! Ah!

You scared me.

This room scares me.

I must have dozed off.

You know, you ought to get an ecology award

for recycling all the garbage into your room.

A secretary who can only type seven words a minute

shouldn't be fresh.

I'm sorry.

Got a bad headache?

No, I got a good headache.

There's your mail. Oh. Yeah.

Here's tomorrow's column.

Get it in right away, will you?

Wait a minute. Come here.

Something wrong about the way you look.

What?

You look good.

Thank you.

It really does show, doesn't it?

I'm so happy. I... Why is your mirror up there?

That's where the nail is.

May I?

Yeah, sure, go ahead. Here.

I do look good, don't I?

Mr. Madison, my ship finally came in.

I met the greatest guy, a stockbroker.

And I think it looks serious.

Yeah? Where'd you meet him?

Well, I got up the nerve to join

one of those computer dating agencies, Executron.

They only handle executives

and girls with a college education.

I'm the latter.

You've heard of them...

You know, "Executron, where the wealthy meet the healthy."

Yeah, I saw their ad in the paper.

There's a man and a woman walking up

the steps to a bank. Right?

It's really terrific.

In fact, uh, you ought to

sign up with them.

What, are you kidding?

I don't need a computer dating service!

I got a terrific social life!

Mr. Madison, I'm the last to talk out of turn,

but I am your secretary,

and I know all about your social life.

What about it?

You're not hot.

I date a lot!

You stay home a lot more.

Well, I mean, what, uh, everybody hits a slump

once in a while, don't they?

What's that?

Tonic.

Do you always take tonic with a shoehorn?

I couldn't find a spoon,

but I clean it, I clean it.

What do you put your shoes on with? A fork?

Well, here's their card in case you're interested.

How much did this set you back? $200.

$200. That's a lot of money.

Mr. Madison, you can't put a price on loneliness.

Think about it. I'll see you Monday.

Okay, hon.

Executron. Uh, what does she know?

She knows I'm not hot, that's what she knows.

On November 13, Felix Unger

was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

I'm home, Felix!

Good. Did you wipe your feet?

Yeah.

Good. I just shampooed the rug.

What are you making?

Little melon balls. Good.

No! Not with your fingers! Come on.

Why don't you make one big one?

'Cause if I made one that size,

that's the size you'd put in your mouth.

Go wash your hands.

He's gonna wash his hands in the kitchen sink.

Any mail for me?

Nah, nothing.

Just an ad to remove unwanted hair, and a wrong address.

Where's the wrong address?

Over there. A Mr. Andre LaPlume.

Did you ever?

Don't do that!

That's a federal offense!

Give me that. You'll get in trouble!

No federal offense, It's my letter.

What... you've changed your name?

Oscar. You've sent away for dirty books under another name.

Will you cut it out?

I'm Andre LaPlume.

It's my pen name.

Pen name? LaPlume?

How did you ever think of that?

What do you need a pen name for?

Well, if you must... What?

None of your business.

Don't tell me.

Makes me no never mind.

If it's none of my bee's wax,

it's none of my bee's wax.

Come on, what?

Tell me. Please.

All right. Well, I... I signed up with a...

What? Come on.

Computer dating outfit.

Computer dating? You? Yeah.

The last of the lukewarm lovers.

I had to tell him.

Oh, Mr. LaPlume! All right.

I'd be ashamed.

I am. Why do you think I didn't use my real name?

Aw, come on! Andre! Andre... aw, aw, please.

Aw, come on, Felix. I'm dying to know.

How'd you get mixed up with computer dating?

Well, let's face it, Felix. I'm lonely.

I'm lonely and I'm tired,

and I'm tired of all those empty conversations

about sex and astrology.

I want a meaningful relation...

All right, laugh. Go ahead. You want to laugh, laugh.

But I'm tired of going every night to my lonely bed.

Lonely bed. Everything you've ever owned is in there.

Boy, I tell you, I thought if there was one person

in this world who would have understood,

it would have been you, but was I wrong, boy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look.

I'll stab myself with a carrot.

No. Look. No. You're absolutely right.

Believe me. Computer dating is a legitimate,

time-tested way to bring

perfectly suited people together.

And you really think I did the right thing?

Did you do the right thing?

What have you had until now?

Chance meetings in hallways with door-to-door fund-raisers.

Brief encounters with airline stewardesses

who just wanted to sit down and rest their feet.

That's not for you.

You deserve something better.

You want something that will blossom into a relationship...

between two people...

whose fate has been charted not only by the stars above...

but by the computers below.

Compare the transience of beer

with the enduring bouquet of fine wine.

And you ask me, did you do the right thing?

I don't know. Did I?

It's been such a long time since I asked.

Cheers.

Hey, where were you?

I had a date with Miriam.

Upstairs Miriam?

Yeah. Lovely person.

How come I haven't met her?

I'm preparing her.

She's very delicate.

Where'd you take her?

Didn't take her anywhere.

We never left the building.

We stayed in and watched an educational show on TV.

Oh, that's thrilling.

No, it was very, very exciting.

It was all about the habits of the Central American raccoon.

No kidding. It's called the coatimundi,

and it has an almost prehensile nose.

The coatimundi eats nothing but dead worms,

and its diet is better than yours.

What are you doing?

I'm filling out my form, you know.

The personality profile. For the computer match-up. Yeah.

I never knew that.

What? You like square dancing?

You see? There's a lot about me you don't know.

♪ Grab your partner, throw her 'round ♪

♪ Kick her in the elbow... ♪

Hey, hey. You're making dust! Don't!

I was stationed in Montana.

Favorite food... garbage.

Crêpe suzette.

Felix, leave me alone, will you?

I gotta get this in the mail by tomorrow

if I want to match up this Saturday.

What is this? What? What? What?

Overall appearance: above average?

Yeah.

What's your definition of average? The Wolf Man?

The paper puts my picture

at the top of my column every day.

Would they do that if I was just average looking?

The paper also prints Mutt and Jeff every day,

and they're not above average, either.

And Mutt's a better dresser than you are.

Let me give it to you straight.

If I put down "average," I get an average-looking girl,

and that's not what I'm looking for.

You've got to fill this out with absolute accuracy

so they match you up with the right person.

What do you mean, accuracy?

It's not a science, it's a matter of opinion.

Who's to say what's above average, what's average?

If there's one man in this world who's average looking, it's you.

You're very nice-looking, but you're average.

Is that right? Yes!

What would you put down for yourself on that question?

Oh, well... No, I want to know. No!

It's a very import... You say that I'm average.

What are you?

Well above average.

You're well above me, huh?

Yes. Were you almost voted "Cutest Boy"

in your high school yearbook?

What do you mean, "almost"?

Well, I would have been, but you couldn't have two awards,

and I already had the Home Economics Medal.

But let's face it.

I've always been a very cute person.

Well, they don't have any... any category down here,

"Cutest, Very Cute."

All they have is "Excellent, Above Average,

Average, Below Average," and "We're returning your deposit."

You're... you're defeating the very purpose

of computer date-ups. You...

I'm above average! Above average!

And I'm leaving it in!

Pain in the neck!

Come in and spoil everything.

"Do you believe in premarital sex?"

You checked "Yes," "No," and "Sometimes."

You checked all three... Why is that?

I'm allowed my moods.

I'm just trying to be honest.

Then why aren't you honest about your averageness?

Again with the... Will you go to bed?

Let me finish this, please. Oh!

Centuries of science have brought us

to the computer age, and...

You're expecting locusts?

Oscar, you're going to foul up the entire computer mechanism

if you're lying on your application.

I am not lying! I'm trying to tell the absolute truth.

Favorite sport... Yacht racing.

Check our coats, please.

On hangers if you will. No hooks.

We have no hooks, monsieur.

Don't be self-conscious.

You're doing the right thing.

You are, you are. Believe me.

You nervous? No.

Then why are you drinking that man's drink?

I'm sorry.

He's got a computer blind date.

Felix!

Where's Miriam?

She'll be here. She's joining us.

So tell me, what's your date's name?

Uh... Sarah. Sarah Morgan.

That's very good.

What? I like, well, Sarah... biblical.

Morgan, money... J.P. Morgan.

Gives me very good vibrations.

Your Sarah Morgan's going to be a knockout. I know.

Hey, maybe you're right. Wow! Look at that.

This is Miriam.

Hello, funny-face. Hi, Felix.

Miriam, this is Oscar.

Hi. Good to see you. How are you?

We're waiting for his date, so sit down.

That's right. It's someone you've never met before.

How exciting. Yeah, frightening, too.

Paging Andre LaPlume.

Paging Andre LaPlume.

Andre LaPlume?

Oscar. What?

Paging... Andre LaPlume.

Oh... oh, here, Yes, sir.

I've seated Miss Morgan at your table.

Well... this is it.

Courage, LaPlume.

Go ahead. I have a feeling

you're gonna have a wonderful surprise.

We'll join you in a minute. Go ahead.

You're right. What a surprise!

What does she look like?

She looks like your ex-wife.

She looks like Gloria?

Yeah...

Gloria!

Oh, Felix.

She's his ex-wife.

Miriam, this is Gloria Unger.

My wife... my... my ex-wife.

Gloria, this is Miriam Welby.

Hi. I've heard a lot about you.

All nice. All nice.

Huh.

Well...

Well.

Hmm.

I like your dress.

I bought that dress.

You know...

I-If you don't mind,

I think I'd like to go to the ladies' room.

Of course. Slide out.

Slide out.

You'd better slide this way.

I'll come with you.

Hey, that's not a bad idea; I think maybe I'll...

Wait, wait.

Okay.

Slide in here.

You slide in, I'm wearing out my pants.

How could you?

What do you mean: how could I?

I was expecting a Sarah Morgan Sarah Morgan,

not a Gloria Sarah Morgan.

What's the matter?

Hypoglycemia.

Whenever I'm upset, my blood sugar gets very low.

This is all your fault...

The way you lied on your application.

Yacht racing, for pity's sake.

Aw, how did I know this was going to happen?

You put down that you're above average in appearance,

so they matched you up with Gloria

because she's suited to someone above average

like me.

That's why you're divorced. Oh,

what's that got to do with it?

What am I going to do?

Well, we can stay and have dinner

or we can split, whatever we want...

Tell me, tell me, what should I do?

You should remain calm is what you should do.

Here they come.

Slide out.

Hi, kids.

How did it go?

Slide in, slide in.

She means absolutely nothing to me. Slide in.

She lives in our building.

I've done my laundry with her twice.

That's absolutely it. Felix, honestly.

I want you to date.

You do?

It's a perfectly healthy, normal thing.

Well, here we are.

We're all healthful, normy.

We're what?

We're mature, we're adults with above average

senses of humor if I'm not mistaken.

So, uh... let's, let's have fun, shall we?

That's a good idea; we'll have a party.

What are we gonna do? Look, look.

This is just a double date, it's a double date.

I'm with Miriam.

Gloria, you're with Oscar over there, so...

the party's on me.

Excellent, monsieur.

Would you care for some drinks before dinner?

Oh, yeah. Girls, what would you like?

I'd like a Scotch. Scotch.

And I'd love a martini.

Scotch and a marti... Ah, ah, no.

I-I think you'd better have a dry vermouth.

Oh, it's not a vermouth kind of evening.

I think I know what Gloria ought to have.

Felix, please don't order for me.

You know I never liked that.

Yeah, let her have what she wants, will you?

That's one Scotch and one martini.

Gloria will have a dry vermouth on the rocks.

I'll have a martini.

She'll have a martini.

Uh, that's a vermouth and two martinis.

Et vous, Monsieur LaPlume?

What should I have, Felix?

Anything you want.

Have a martini.

Merci.

Felix, I happen to be Oscar's date tonight.

Oh, come on.

That's, that's just because of a computer error.

The whole thing is so silly.

Did you ever?

I think they're a cute couple.

You do?

Yeah. She does. Thank you.

Well, let me ask you this.

Do you think Oscar's above average?

Above average what?

Above average in appearance.

Yes, yes, I do.

Oh, thank you, Miriam. Oh,

would you stand up, please?

Will you cut that out?

He's not above average!

Don't scream at Miriam.

I happen to think he's above average, too.

Thank you.

Felix, you don't need to pick on me

just because you're jealous...

of Oscar and Gloria.

Why should I be jealous of Andre LaPlume?

That's enough, Felix!

I want to go home.

I want to go home, too.

I want to go home.

Well, you coming or what?

Okay, pout.

Monsieur LaPlume...

The party's on the pouter.

Monsieur, your party is not staying for dinner?

Eh, Jean!

Vite, vite.

Enleve l'argeuterie.

I'm sorry, Monsieur.

I need the table for a larger party.

Vite, vite.

Eh, Jean.

Monsieur, your martini.

Bon appétit.

Oscar, are you awake?

No.

Oscar, I'm sorry.

You didn't hear "no"?

Oscar, please.

I've been walking the streets for hours.

I've been thinking, Oscar.

About what?

Listen to me, Oscar.

We're going to have a fireside chat?

About tonight.

Did Gloria resent my dating Miriam?

No, she did not.

She was able to rise above petty jealousy.

But was I?

No.

Oscar, if I'm any kind of man at all,

I've got to come to you with my head held high

and say, "Go ahead, Oscar, go with my blessing."

Go ahead and what?

I want you to date Gloria again.

What?!

Why not?

It's because of me, the date didn't work out tonight.

But if I were up there somewhere...

poor, dear, departed Felix,

struck down in my prime by who knows what terrible reason...

Try for waking up Oscar.

Never mind.

If I was up there, you'd be dating Gloria.

You'd be discovering for yourself

what a glorious woman she is.

Give it a try, will you?

For me, if not for yourself,

so I don't go through the rest of my life hating myself.

I'll do it on one condition. Name it.

You let me go through my life hating you.

Thanks, Oscar, thanks.

On your way, huh, buddy?

Taking Gloria to the ballet, huh?

Have fun.

You really want me to go?

What does that mean with the eyes?

I want you to go.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

How you feeling, Oscar?

He feels great.

What am I smiling about?

Well, I saw everybody smiling.

Come on in.

Hey, Oscar was dressed to kill.

Where's he going?

He's got a date.

That's why he was smiling, huh?

Another pushover.

Come on, let's get to work.

What song are you doing in the police show?

Uh... "Poor Little Buttercup."

Who chose that for you?

My captain.

He must hate Gilbert and Sullivan.

How'd you like the ballet?

Oh, that's terrific, really terrific.

I just love "Swan Lake."

That's my favorite, my fa... Especially, you know,

where the ducks put their heads through the froufrous.

I wonder how the New York Rangers did tonight.

Well, that's hard to say

since the season ended a few weeks ago.

Oh.

You got hypoglycemia, too?

Felix gave it to me.

Oscar.

I give up if you give up.

And I give up. Who are we kidding?

Gloria, look at us.

We've known each other for ten years.

We've always been able to talk.

Now we can't because we're on a date?

That's all wrong.

And it's all because Felix is trying

to prove he's not jealous.

He's constantly trying to prove

he's a superior human being.

I know, above average, almost the cutest, I know.

Let's go home.

What good will that do?

Don't you understand?

He's going to make us go out on date after date after date,

and there's no way to stop him.

Unless we give him a reason for it.

Sarah.

Andre.

And...

♪ My name, it is Buttercup ♪

♪ Poor little Buttercup ♪

♪ Though I could never tell why ♪

♪ But still I'm called Buttercup ♪

♪ Dear little Buttercup ♪

♪ Sweet little Buttercup, I. ♪

That's very good.

Felix, I'm not going to do it.

The other guys may laugh.

No, they'll respect you for it.

I can't wait until I see your costume.

Hey, Felix, Murray.

Hi, Gloria.

Well, what are you doing here?

I brought her home. What do you think?

Oh, I just wanted to see the apartment.

Hi, Murray. H-Hi, Gloria.

You've seen the apartment a thousand times, it's, uh...

Felix, I know you're from another planet,

but here in North America, you take a girl out on a date,

you bring her home for a drink.

May I have your wrap?

Oscar is dating Gloria?

Yes, does that surprise you?

Felix, I am trained

not to be surprised.

♪ Just call me Buttercup. ♪

You want to sit down?

Oh, fine.

Excuse us, will you, Felix?

Excuse us. Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, how was the evening?

Don't you have a book you're dying to finish or something?

A book you're dying to finish, you want to forgo already.

Uh-huh.

Well...

Listen, uh...

this, this is your apartment, so, uh...

every bit as much as mine, more so in fact.

Technically, I'm still a guest here, so whatever you, uh...

Gloria, you're a free agent.

Whatever you want.

I'll be in my room.

Don't, don't worry about me.

Now, I just wanted you to know

I'm, I'm not going to make an excuse

for I want coffee or come back or anything like that.

You're, you're absolutely on your own,

so... you're safe.

It didn't work.

Question of time. You want to play some gin rummy?

Yeah, I'd love to.

♪ Smile though your heart is breaking ♪

♪ Smile... ♪

He sounds happy.

False bravado.

Now we're rolling.

Hey, does he still bang his head up against the wall

when he's upset?

♪ Smile though your heart is... ♪

♪ Aching ♪

♪ Smile though your... ♪

♪ Smile... ♪

Stop!

What kind of people are you?

My best friend and my wife

playing gin rummy.

I'm sorry, Felix.

It was for your own good.

Good night.

I'll take you home.

No, I'll have the doorman get me a cab.

Good night. Good night, Oscar.

Thanks for a nice evening.

You, too. Bye-bye.

It only proves you're a normal human being

and you get jealous like the rest of us.

Good night, buddy.

Oscar...

you're well above average.

What are you so tense about?

Executron wouldn't give me my money back.

They said I had to fill out another application

and try again.

Well, so you'll try again.

You get another shot at it.

At least this time you know

you're not going to get Gloria.

She's not Sarah Morgan anymore,

and you're not using a silly name like Andre LaPlume.

Paging Monsieur Willard Eisenhower.

Here, that's me.

I thought you were Andre... What is it?

There's a Miss Lena Molinaro waiting.

Oh, bring her here, will you?

Lena Molinaro?

Sounds... Like South America, huh?

You're Lena Molinaro?

You're Willard Eisenhower?

What happened to the stockbroker?

He was married.

Slide in, slide in.

♪ ♪