Original subtitles

Operator, would you get me the Boston area code?

Yeah.

What kind of lemon is this?

Did you get the area code yet?

Boston is unlisted?

Oh, it's on a different list.

All right, I'll hold.

Hi, Felix.

617.

Okay, give me 617-226-524...

Oh... Not oh.

5243.

If he's not there, call the Boston Gazette, will ya?

He's a sportswriter.

His name is Tony...

Oh... Riley.

No, not Tony O'Riley.

Tony Riley.

Will you moan someplace else, Felix?

You getting her all mixed up.

What's the matter, you sick?

I don't know, I just, uh...

What?

Oh, I just, I feel so disoriented.

There's a lot of that going around.

Yeah.

Tony! Oscar Madison.

Yeah, I'm calling you for two reasons.

First I want to know if you're coming to the awards dinner.

Good.

Second, I want to congratulate you

because I know you're gonna win

Sportswriter of the Year award.

Why? I know, that's all.

I'll see you there. Bye.

What are you congratulating him for?

You're going to win Sportswriter of the Year award.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

What?

I wonder if I have a low-grade fever.

You've got a high-grade delusion.

The only award I ever won was a letter in college,

"S" for slob.

You're gonna win another one.

Mark my words.

Thank you, Criswell Predicts.

Answer the phone. You'll see, you won.

Hello?

Yes, Oscar Madison here.

What?

Thank you.

Felix. Hmm?

That was the award committee. Mm.

They voted me Sportswriter of the Year.

Hmm.

I don't want to hear "hmm." How did you know?

Just what I thought.

99.

Be sure you wash that off in alcohol.

How did he know?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

How you feeling now, buddy?

Oh, a little better, thanks.

It's like living with a crop duster.

You know, a boll weevil

doesn't stand a chance in this apartment.

Neither does a germ.

Good.

I can't get over the way you knew about the award.

I mean, you have to be psychic,

it's the only explanation.

Not psychic, sensible.

Anybody would know that you were long overdue for that award.

Say, say gesundheit. Why?

Because I'm going to sneeze.

Gesundheit.

Oh.

Oh, I'm feeling funny again. I just...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Chief.

Hey, thanks a lot!

Tell him it's not enough, you want a bigger bonus.

It's not enough, I want a bigger bonus.

Oh...

I'll talk to you later about it.

How did you know, Felix,

that my boss was gonna offer me a bonus?

It just makes sense.

You've won an important award.

You deserve a bonus.

Yeah, I guess it's logical.

You knew about the award.

You knew about the bonus.

Answer the door.

You know Murray gets jittery out in that dark hall.

Let him jitter, it's the only exercise he gets.

Oh, I feel so...

Hi, Murray. Oscar.

Congratulations.

How did you know?

I got it from an informer.

Hi, Felix. Wait a minute.

How did you know Murray was at that door?

I heard his footsteps out in the hall.

You know, he could be a detective.

If you could be a cop, he could be a detective.

You're a witch, Felix.

Felix, you're just like

my Aunt Goldie from Teaneck.

Is she a witch, too?

No, she was a manicurist, but she had ESP.

Murray, that's it. You hit it.

You hear that? That's what you've got.

You know that, buddy? You got ESP.

ESP, witches... Rubbish. Yeah.

It's simple deductive reasoning.

Excuse me while I get the champagne glasses.

You know, Aunt Goldie would get hot flashes

every time she had a fever.

You hear that? Did you hear that?

You've had a fever, you've had hot flashes.

What did your Aunt Goldie predict?

Well, she predicted some day there'd be men on the moon.

Break out the champagne.

It's time for a toast.

Okay, Felix.

I hope I've chosen wisely.

It's very hard to get good champagne

for under three dollars.

"Chateau Warsaw."

Aw, well, '72 is a good year.

It's domestic.

I know it's domestic.

It didn't have time to be imported.

Whoa, wait, how did you know

that Murray had brought champagne?

It's so simple.

Murray is a romantic

and would bring champagne,

and B: the bullhorn was a dead giveaway.

A bullhorn was a dead giveaway?

That's right. How would it look

for a policeman to be walking down the street

carrying a bottle of champagne in his hand?

It would look like he took a bribe from Lawrence Welk.

Stop looking at me as though I'm in league with Satan.

Come on, it's time for a toast.

To Oscar Madison... Here, here.

Sportswriter of the Year.

Oscar? Okay, I guess you're not supernatural.

I mean, what good's a reward

if you can't share it with your friends, huh?

Cheers. Don't drink too fast.

You'll get hiccups. I haven't had hiccups in 20 years.

Felix, you were right.

That's right.

I've never seen you have hiccups before.

In 20 years, I never...

and you predicted predicted it.

That's just like my Aunt Goldie was.

Oh!

Oh, I... Oh!

Oh! What is it?

There's a strangeness in my body.

I just...

Oh, there are forces, they're all around me,

and they're, they're inside me, Oscar.

I have spiritual power, I can feel it.

Oscar... I'm Rosemary's baby!

Oscar, with this new power,

this psychic power,

the mind boggles at what I can do with it.

Felix, the fever broke two days ago,

and for two days you've bungled every boggle,

so let's eat.

I predict... Oscar sitting down.

What kind of prediction is that?

When do I eat standing up?

I predict Oscar will open his beer.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And now, my psychic power

brings you what you want for dinner.

Oh, come on, you've been wrong for two days.

All right, what do you want for dinner?

Turkey.

Now come on, come on. No kidding around.

I'm not kidding. I want turkey.

What've you got?

Swiss steak. Okay.

I made a little mistake, but they're both meat.

Both meat, you see?

Now, what else do you want?

I'll bet you want vegetables.

I always have vegetables. Aha!

What aha?

Now, what kind of vegetables do you want?

Spinach.

Peas.

Peas are spinach?

Popeye's going to get very upset.

Ah, but you see, they're both green.

That's all I saw.

Green, you see.

Now, what, wait, whoa, wha...!

Oscar drinking his beer.

You're wrong again. I was drinking water.

No, n-n-no, but you see, all I saw was liquid.

I didn't see the head on it, but I saw liquid.

There, you see?

You know why you saw liquid?

'Cause your brain is leaking.

I don't care what you say.

I'm a psychic.

You are not a psychic.

You're a sickic!

And I've had it!

Now, I'm going to tell you something, Felix.

I am going to make a prediction.

I predict this meal is over.

I predict this will break my heart.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

What is it?

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Oscar, I've been sitting here in this yoga position,

and I've had a terrible vision.

What?

You're going to die.

For that you woke me up?

Couldn't let me die in my sleep?

How am I going to die?

I don't know.

The vision is... it's foggy.

All right.

I'll cancel the trip to London I wasn't going to take.

Oscar, believe me.

Believe me.

Why should I believe a pretzel?

You were wrong about the spinach and the peas

and the Swiss steak and everything.

I've had it, I've really had it.

Tomorrow I'm going to put you in a wheelbarrow

and I'm going to take you to a doctor.

I predicted you'd say that.

Come right in, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Ah!

Ah, what does he do, play football on the moon?

This is an alpha wave helmet.

It assists with psychic meditation.

Very good.

Professor Farraday will be with you in just a moment.

Thank you.

You don't have to be psychic

to know what I'm thinking when she's around.

That's right; kid all you want.

I'm not worried.

Well, you should be.

This guy's a very good doctor.

He's going to show you up for the phony that you are.

Good afternoon, I am Professor Farraday.

A pleasure, Unger.

I'm so glad your editor suggested you call me,

Mr. Madison.

I read your column faithfully.

I'm Madison, he's Unger.

So what do you want from me?

I'm not a mind reader.

Excuse the jest, but...

if I took my work too seriously...

Nee-noo-nah-nah-noo-noo... I would go bananas.

In fact, the more research I do,

the more skeptical I become.

True cases of psychic ability are really quite rare.

Exactly, exactly, and I'm one of the rare ones.

Well, I tell you, why don't we start, huh?

Yes. Yes.

Uh, I tell you what.

We'll set up the table

and, uh, Mr. Unger, would you please sit over here?

Mr. Madison, would you sit over here, please?

Want me to put on a gown?

If you like.

Now...

Just thought there was some proper garb for testing.

Now, you will both notice

that Miss Arnett has a set of large cards,

as you can see.

Each card bears a different symbol.

Yes. There will be five symbols in all.

Yes, yes. A circle...

a square, parallel lines,

a triangle, and a footprint.

Yes, yes, yes. Now, Mr. Madison,

I want you to select a card from the deck.

Mr. Unger, I want you to identify that card.

Yes. Begin.

Well, stop flirting and pick a card.

You sensed he was flirting with Miss Arnett?

What "sensed"?

I mean, there's a pretty girl around, I flirt with her.

I always do that.

What kind of prediction is that?

All right.

I picked a card. What is it?

Um... Well, come on, what is it?

Uh... no, no, give me a chance.

I have to get in the proper, uh, proper frame of mind.

Oh, come on, and don't sit there going into a trance.

It makes you look like a frog.

How did you...

how did you know he was making that froggy-face?

He always does that.

When he's in... Oh, he got rid of it now.

He always does that. Come on, come on, come on.

Well, tell me what it is, will ya?

Um... uh... Come on.

Come on, I'm getting bored.

Um... parallel lines.

Well, stop smirking and pick another card.

I wasn't ready. Come on, come on, come on.

Should I, Professor?

If you like.

Okay.

All right, Mental the Magnificent... what is it?

Ah, come on, what are you trying to do?

If you're not going to play the game, don't play at all.

That isn't fair. What's the matter?

The professor told me to pick a card, I picked a card.

Don't try to buffalo me.

You picked the same card you had before.

If you know what the card was, why don't you tell me?

I don't know what the card was, but I know him.

I know he tried to pick the same card

and tried to trip me up again. He didn't say I couldn't pick the same card twice.

Boys, boys, boys, boys, hold it...

Boys, you know each other so well,

I can't tell if Felix is psychic or just responding out of habit.

But listen, thanks for coming over anyway.

This was a nice change of pace from the usual cuckoos.

Wait a minute, will you, Professor.

Look, this is very...

Listen, would you like a cold drink?

Will you cut it out.

If thinks he's psychic, I don't like being called a cuckoo.

And he thinks I'm in danger,

then he's going to just drive me right up the wall.

But Felix isn't sure what the danger is

because his vision is cloudy on that subject.

I know, but couldn't you do something? You know...

Well, maybe I can do something.

Anyway, listen, I can give him something

to keep him busy so he'll stay FELIX: What?

Out of your way. What are you talking about over there?

What's going on?

You are sensitive.

Listen, Unger, how would you like to be

the first kid on your block to have one of these?

I'm telling you, Murray,

he's going to drive me nah-noo-noo-noo bananas.

And now he's got an alpha wave hat.

Well, it's supposed to help him meditate,

it has electrodes and antennae and all that.

He looks like a tidy Buck Rogers.

Whoom.

I think he's about to give milk.

Yeah. Bye.

Felix, will you take it off?

It's going to flatten your head.

What'd you do, swallow a hummingbird?

What is it?

What? What? A short circuit?

Short circuit? It's hurting.

In the ears? Where is it? What?

Oh...!

What?

Oscar. What?

I had a vision. What?

I saw what the danger is.

What is the danger?

The danger is a murder attempt.

Are you crazy?

Who would attempt to murder me?

Tomorrow night, at the awards banquet,

an attempt will be made on your life.

Hey, so?

There's nothing I can do about that.

You mean the award is more important than your life.

Felix, I have to go and pick up my award...

Listen to me. This is serious.

This is serious, Oscar.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me.

You're not going to that awards banquet.

Professor, you've got to convince him

he's imagining things.

He wants to stop me from going to the banquet.

And sometimes he really gets to me... I get scared.

Yah, it can get scary, can't it?

Tha-that's why it's so easy to fool yourself in this racket.

Yeah, but see, this thing is very important to me,

and I don't want Felix to foul it up. Hmm...

Thank you. Thank you.

Professor Farraday. How do you do?

I've just been having a lovely chat with Miss Arnett.

I told her the man she loves

will be hers by the end of the week.

Hey, that's right... My wife leaves town on Friday.

Very nice.

Enjoy yourselves at my...

No one likes a laugh more than a mystic.

Go ahead, test me.

I know I'll be proven correct.

Well, then you won't mind if I place you under hypnosis

for a brief period?

Very interesting concept, Professor,

but, of course, it's out of the question.

Hey, that's a very good idea...

Put him in a trance until the banquet is over.

Well, are you afraid I will make you undress

and imitate a chicken?

No, of course not, but it's a well-known fact

that persons of superior intellect cannot be hypnotized.

You just can't put me under.

Well, let him try, Mr. Superior Intellect.

Well, all right, why don't you sit down, please, relax.

I'm relaxed.

Continue to breathe in a normal manner.

I'm breathing, I'm normal.

Perfectly comfortable.

It's a waste of time, it's useless.

Then what will it hurt you to humor me a little bit anyway?

Now, I know this is a cliché, but...

watch the watch.

It's a complete waste of time.

I'm willing to watch it as long as you want me to,

but it's just...

What happened? I don't know.

Since his intellect is too strong for hypnosis,

he must be dead.

Now what am I going to do?

Hey, get him to undress and imitate a chicken.

No, Mr. Madison.

Get Miss Arnett in here.

No, she does not respond to my hypnosis.

Now, there's a woman with a strong intellect.

Mr. Unger.

Felix. Mm.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

I want you to describe

your vision of the sportswriter award banquet.

What is the danger to your friend?

I... I see a... banquet room and a...

a...

a platform.

People milling about, excitement, cameras.

Does that sound accurate?

But that could describe any banquet.

What is that?

The... sugar bowls aren't covered.

There's a fly in the sugar bowl.

Shoo, fly. Shoo, fly.

Will you forget about the fly! What about the danger?

Danger.

Flashbulbs are popping, and...

and... the winner is Oscar Madison.

He's my friend and...

There are hands... hands... and...

they're clutching a...

a man's throat, oh... Whose hands? Whose hands?

Oh... Who's the... who's the strangler?

Who owns those hands? I got him!

You got the strangler? No, the fly.

Who's the strangler?!

Ah... it's so foggy...

Flies he gets; stranglers get fogged in!

Don't waste your breath, Mr. Madison.

I'll wake him up in a moment, but first I want you to know

I think Mr. Unger has had a genuine psychic experience.

He really was under.

I told you it's a waste of time.

Come on, Felix, we don't have much time. Let's g...

What's the matter, fella? You're not even dressed.

You're not going to that banquet... I told you that.

I'm not going to let you tempt fate.

Felix, get out of my way... I'm going.

This is for your own safety, Oscar!

When is the last time you had your face set on fire?

Don't threaten me. Felix, get out of my way.

This is the most important night of my life.

I'm warning you... I've got a black belt in karate.

It's the most impor... Don't-don't try anything, Oscar.

Don't try anything. I'm a black belt.

Oscar, I'm warning you, don't-don't...

Oscar, you can't go, you can't...

You haven't got your tie!

I've got your tie. Oscar! I'll go without it.

I'll be ashamed if the other sportswriters... you can't go...

Oscar! Wait! Wait!

Excuse me.

Professor, Professor...

I'm so glad you're here.

Yes, when you called, you were so distraught.

Oh...

The vision is so clear right this minute.

You should have seen the vision

I just left to come here. Whoo!

But I actually believe you may possibly be a genuine mystic.

So I want to see this thing through.

On the way over in the taxi, the vision of hands

clutching a throat was so clear,

it was as if it were actually happening!

It was... don't forget, this is New York.

Please don't laugh... this is a terribly serious business.

A man's life may...

Oscar, Oscar...

Felix, sit down, will ya?

They're just taking his picture.

Oscar.

All right, let's all settle down, please.

Sorry.

Is this a friend of yours?

Not if he doesn't cool it.

Good evening, I'm Mal Alberts, and welcome

to the 25th annual Sportswriters Award Dinner.

The winner this year Hands!

Is columnist... Hands!

The winner this year

is a columnist who many have thought

was long overdue in gaining the recognition of his peers.

I'm referring, of course,

to Oscar Madison of the New York Herald.

And judging by the attendance here tonight,

it's obvious the choice was a very popular one.

Now here he is, the winner of this year's award,

Oscar Madison!

Thank you, Mal.

Hi, fellas.

I want you to know that it's great to be here...

and I... Oh, look at this.

The mike went dead. Of all times.

But I really don't need a microphone

to tell you guys how I feel about being here tonight.

You know,

this award is very important to me.

I'm not a sentimental guy, I don't get misty

about many things, but...

I am about tonight.

I want to tell you what an honor it is

and how much I appreciate it, I really do.

Thank you.

More! More! Mr. Unger...

there's nothing to worry about.

They love the guy!

I'm having such hot flashes. I just...

No, danger is close.

I'll tell you, I'm not very much of a speaker.

Look! That man!

Maybe that's why I became a writer.

Of course, there are a lot of reporters...

I gotcha!

What are you doing? I'm a maintenance man!

I got to fix the microphone!

Policeman! Is there a policeman here?

Is there a policeman in the house?

Go! Get 'em! Police! Police!

I gotcha! I gotcha!

Felix you were right!

Your vision came true!

You're the strangler!

♪ Oh... ♪

Aha...

You see? You see how you are?

You make fun of things, but then you come around and you...

you realize the value of science. Come on, will you?

I'm trying to concentrate on something. On what?

I want to make something happen. What?

I'm going to make it happen.

What?

It works.