Original subtitles

You're almost late.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry.

Sorry? Yes.

Your dinner's almost ready.

Go wash your hands and face.

Will do.

You're singing. You're being very accommodating.

What's wrong? You're smiling.

Well, there are smiley days

and there are frowny days.

This happens to be a smiley day.

Why?

Because today, I got the opportunity of a lifetime.

Huh. Somebody made you commissioner of garbage?

I'm sorry, you know...

me and my crazy sense of humor.

I'm a clown.

Well, it just so happens, Flopsie Mopsie,

that the sports department of our newspaper is

putting out a Sunday supplement this weekend.

And guess who's editor?

You.

Oh! Boy!

What an honor!

Your own supplement!

Yes, and if it's any good,

it might become a weekly thing.

Oh, that's terrific, Oscar!

Your own weekly supplement.

Your words read by millions of people!

Now you know how Shakespeare felt.

Why? Did he live with a nut, too?

Oh, you'll, you'll just make it great.

Oh, this... Tell me, so...

Well, what's your first story going to be?

Well, it's about this Red Chinese wrestling champ

who's coming here to meet our champ, see, at an exhibition.

So it's not only sports... International diplomacy.

It's a very big thing. Oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy. Oh, that's just fantas...

Let me get you a glass for that beer.

You shouldn't be drinking beer.

You should be drinking champagne.

So. There going to be pictures?

Of course, pictures.

Pictures are a very big thing.

I need a great photographer.

Yeah. So...?

So?

Who you going to get?

Hey, you're a photographer.

I need your opinion.

I'm thinking of Buzzy Allen.

Buzzy Allen?

For the opportunity of a lifetime,

you want Buzzy Allen? Yeah, I know

they call him "Boozy Buzzy"...

He has a little drinking problem,

but I need a man with his talent,

his great judgment, great taste,

always at the right place at the right time.

I mean, where am I going to find

a great photographer like that?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Gabriel is fading back.

There's a big rush from the Giant front four.

A tremendous rush.

He's looking for a receiver.

This is a must play. Do or die.

He's scrambling, scrambling.

They're putting pressure on him.

They've got him!

No, he got away and he lets it go!

I'm blinded. What happened?

A touchdown!

In 15 years of sportscasting,

I've never seen a catch like that!

And I missed it!

What are you flashing that thing in my face for?

But I got a great shot of you in action.

You'll love this. Felix, will you cut it out?

What are you taking pictures of me for

in the middle of a game?

And now here it is on the instant replay.

Leave me alone, will you?

I want to see this play; it was a big one.

And now in slow motion and freeze-frame,

there you see Gabriel fading back, he throws...

Again, I'm blinded! What are you doing?

It was a mistake! I'm sorry!

Anybody can make a mistake!

Where am I? You know where you are. Come on.

There's the gun!

The game is over and you all saw that fantastic catch!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why are you making my life miserable with this camera?

I just want to show you,

I'm the right man for your new job.

Felix, will you cut it out?

You're a great photographer,

for old ladies and little kids.

You know nothing about action photography... Click, click!

What's that, "click, click"?

I just caught you in action, waving your arms around.

Now, if I'd had my camera...

Felix, I don't want you for a photographer.

I want Buzzy Allen.

Soon as he calls, I'm going to give him the job.

Buzzy Allen will be the mistake of your life!

My problem. Oscar, you think I don't know

what's required for the job, but I do!

All it takes is a feeling for action.

Why won't you look at these shots

I took out of my files for you?

You'll love them... I have seen your files.

A portrait of your dentist.

A picture of Murray

walking his beat, in a dress.

A picture of your dentist trying to pick up Murray.

And an 8x10 of your new dentist.

Oh. Please, look at them.

You only know me as a commercial photographer.

Honestly, I've got a lot more strings to my bow.

Won't you look, just look at this one!

What is this?

Looks like an old man chasing his hat.

Yeah.

It blew off on Sixth Avenue.

The wind took it and he went after it.

What's an old man chasing his hat got to do with sports?

Well, use your imagination!

That could be Mickey Mantle chasing a fumble.

The picture looks the same.

Mickey Mantle chasing a fumble?

Why sure.

Look at the expression on his face.

I caught that in mid-action.

He couldn't have been going too fast.

He looks like he's over 80 years old.

Yes, but he's peppy.

Look at the way the sun glints on his white hair.

Look at that eager, intent expression on his face.

That's the perfect moment, I caught.

Oh, Felix! Click, click.

What's that again, "click, click"?

Oscar, disgusted.

Oh... Wait.

Let me show you another one.

What is it? You got a picture

of an idiot chasing his beanie?

Oscar, I'm not doing this for you. I'm do...

What is this?

I wanted you to have the impact of surprise.

That is a great sports shot.

Sports shot?

Three little girls playing jacks?

Yes.

That's my daughter, Edna, and her two friends.

Come, take a good look at this in the light. You see?

I caught it in mid-action.

The ball's in the air.

Edna's just about to do foursies.

Look at the tension in those fingers.

Look at the look on that face.

That is a great sports shot.

Yeah, for the centerfold of Jack and Jill magazine.

Oh, come on, Felix, will you...

Click, click. Oscar, mad.

Oh! Click, click. Oscar, giving up.

Click, click.

Oscar, mad, again. Will you cut it out!

You're breaking my camera.

Click, click, click.

It's like living with a Japanese cricket!

Hello.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't understand you. What?

M... Can you talk clearer?

Morrison. No, there's...

I think you mean Madison, don't you?

Yes. Just a moment. It's... It's for you.

It's Buzzy Allen...

Felix.

Hello, Buzzy.

You have to talk louder.

The music's too loud. I can't hear you.

You're where?

Click, click!

Yeah. You just stepped in

for a little drink before the fight.

What fight?

The Jackson-Barbera fight?

That was a week ago.

Click, click!

What? Oh, you want to know why I called.

I called 'cause I just got a tip.

Bet on Jackson.

Yeah. Can't lose.

Right. Bye.

I'll fix him.

Barbera knocked Jackson out in the second round.

What are you doing?

Fixing your camera.

Now you remember everything I told you?

I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.

Sure, If an old man's hat blows off, you'll get it.

Now, this is just the weigh-in. You're to be invisible.

Get the shot, get out of the way.

Don't worry about anything.

I'm a pro, baby.

Okay. Just remember what I told you.

That's Jerry Burns.

Come here.

These guys the Oriental team?

No, they're the Harlem Globe Trotters.

You're a pro, baby, I'm telling you that.

Mr. Oscar Madison,

if you please.

Okay.

Well... Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

I'm Oscar Madis... What am I... Look,

we've all worked together before.

You know me and you know Nathaniel Talbot.

All right, you guys, shake hands. I'm very happy to be here.

Just the two of you shake hands.

Wait a minute, will you? Yeah. Shake hands.

That's it. Back up, just a little bit, back up, back up.

Felix... All of you squeeze in a little bit.

Can that man squeeze in just a little?

Okay? Yeah.

Good. Okay, thank you.

And now, for the first of our two opponents...

Reloading!

There's going to be three opponents.

From the United States of America,

holder of three titles, Mr. Jerry Burns.

Jerry Burns! Let's hear it for him!

Didn't take any pictures.

And from the People's Republic of China...

Mr. Chuk Mai Chin!

Yay.

Felix.

What? Did I miss anything?

Not much, no.

I take it, you speak English?

I think so. Good.

You see, he does speak English.

We also have with us...

another person from the Orient.

The runner-up in the Miss Globe Contest.

She brings peaceful greetings to Mr. Chin.

Miss Lotus Lee... Miss Hong Kong!

She's Miss Runner-up?

The judges must have been blindfolded, you know.

Blindfolded... they couldn't see because...

Why don't you step back there?

Well, as you see,

she doesn't speak any English.

Uh, could you tell us what she said, Mr. Chin?

I don't know. She has dialect from South.

Mr. Madison, I believe Miss Hong Kong said

that she welcomes, uh, Mister, uh...

Chin. Mr. Chin, to the, uh, to this country

- and that she, um... - Uh...

And, uh, she wishes him a, uh, beneficence

and words to that effect.

Beneficence? Yes.

You got that? Beneficence.

From the Republic of China...

he's weighing in at 174 and a half.

Okay, now, Mr. Burns...

You're gonna have to take...

How much do you weigh, Felix?

At 163. Putting on a little weight.

Well, the camera's... Will you get off the scale!

Mr. Burns, please. Mr. Jerry Burns...

the American defending champion is

weighing in at...

162 and a half. Marvelous.

All right, ladies and gentlemen of the press,

that concludes the weigh-in ceremony.

Thank you very much.

Drama, action, romance! I'm a pro, baby. You're a pro interpreter.

I want you to be a pro photographer...

Excuse me, just a moment. Watch my stuff, will you?

Oh say, excuse me, could I ask you a question?

Yeah. You ask, I answer.

When you make Chow Yuk, do you use carrots and peas?

Ooh, you know Chow Yuk?

Oh yes, yes, I've been making it for years,

but I wanted to make sure I was authentic.

Not have good Chow Yuk since knee-high to locust.

Would you like to come up for some chow, Chuk?

I mean, would you like to come up for some Chow yuk, Chuk?

Why don't you just come up, Chuk?

Would you like to come over for dinner?

Uh, sorry, manager say no Chow Yuk while training.

Ah. Must stay trim.

Yes. Under 200 pound.

But you very kind man to invite stranger.

Stranger? We're all brothers.

I know. You people all look alike.

Just call me Felix.

Felix Unger.

You photographer. Yeah.

I call you... "Click, click."

Oh, very good. Another one.

Oh... Yeah.

Yeah. Very good. Very good.

How about the Roman style?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Very good, very good.

How about an armlock?

Armlock? Yeah.

What? What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

Just old tricky shoulder again.

This man is in pain.

Excuse me, could I...? Do you mind?

Where's the pain?

Right here in the shoulder, huh?

You doctor?

I thought you click, click.

It's localized there...

No, I had the same thing when I was in college.

Right down through there.

I had to give up lacrosse.

My doctor say it's bursitis.

Yeah... bursitis, the old catchall.

No, you see, you got this nerve coming right down here.

You have this "sublactation," right here,

in the back of the neck.

Yes, yes...

Oh, you know everything.

Hold still now, wait a second.

How does that feel? How is that?

Oh, much better, much better.

Pain gone, pain gone.

I'll tell you one thing.

You shouldn't wrestle anymore.

Not to wrestle?

Not with that arm.

You should never wrestle again.

But I must wrestle.

People... others depend on me.

Others depend on you?

Do others care if you're injured for life?

I don't call that humane.

That's exploitation.

This man should never wrestle again.

I shouldn't wrestle?

Absolutely not.

You speak Chinese, you cook Chow Yuk,

you fix my shoulder, you have very nice eyes...

Even though round.

I trust you.

Everybody come in here!

Everybody come in!

I have big thing to say.

Big thing to say...

Take pictures. Big thing to say.

Wait till you hear what he has to say.

I not wrestle in United States.

I have been told never ever to wrestle again

by my brother, Felix Unger.

I'm not going to talk about it.

Felix, you have to talk about it.

It is not in the second section... the sports section.

Headlines in the front page, look at that.

"Red Chinese Wrestler Bows Out."

So, what do you want me to do about it?

I want you to get him to bow in again.

Oscar, he's a grown man...

He is an overgrown man.

He's like a kid with you. He trusts you.

That's a big responsibility.

I told the man the truth.

The truth? Look at this, the truth.

Suddenly the truth.

Show me the shingle that says, "Felix Unger, M.D."

It just happens that I'm very familiar with this condition.

Oh, you're splitting fees with Marcus Welby now?

I had the same thing myself in school.

To this day, I can't shake down

a thermometer with my right hand.

I have to use my left hand.

All right! We will assume the ridiculous.

We will assume that your diagnosis is correct.

I want you to reverse yourself.

Tell the man it's okay to wrestle.

You mean lie?

Yeah, take your tongue and tell a lie.

I wouldn't do such a thing.

Felix, the president called my boss today...

He yelled at him pretty good.

The president? Yeah.

What did he say?

He said tell Felix to take his tongue and tell a lie.

I don't believe you.

Okay, all right, forget the president.

Forget the State Department.

Forget peace in our time.

Forget it all.

The truth is, my job is on the line.

Oh, they threatened you? Why?

Why? I hired you.

They said, well, I was responsible for your actions.

If Chuk doesn't wrestle, I'm out. That's it.

Well, that's... I... I, don't...

I don't think that's...

All right, I'll do it, but... No.

No, not under those conditions, no sir.

Cast my lot with the devil.

No, no, I won't let you do it that way.

I'm your friend. I'm your buddy.

Do you think I would let you

go against your conscience that means so much to you?

I'd rather be unemployed.

I could find another job, don't worry.

There are many jobs for sportswriters.

Not in this country, but there are some.

What's this?

The phone number of Chuk's hotel.

The sports world is a jungle.

You get, you get the phone,

dial, dial, dial, I'll get the door.

Chuk, what are you doing here?

Come on in, come in.

I need a place to be alone, so I come here.

You want us to leave?

No.

I need a place to talk... think.

I take long walk in Central Park.

You know, in Central Park, everybody wrestle.

Hey, speaking of wrestling,

that reminds you of something, doesn't it, Felix?

What? Tell him.

What? The good news, tell him.

You know, you were going to tell him.

Uh, Chuk, I...

I think I, uh, I think I-I might have been mistaken

about your shoulder.

You wrong? Yeah.

As impossible as that may be to conceive, I, uh...

I, uh... let me take another look at it.

I, uh... my feeling is that...

Let me see, just a minute now.

Yeah, hmm... Yeah, yeah... Hmm...

Don't "hum" him, tell him, tell him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you see, you see, what I had was "lacrosse shoulder,"

which only happens to people who play lacrosse

or live in Wisconsin.

Yeah. What you've got here...

You've got Oriental bursitis.

What he mean?

He means that you can wrestle.

Chuk can wrestle?

Sure. That's what he means.

Oh, nice! Nice!

No, it's... I-I believe you!

I go now. I make everybody happy.

Tell 'em Felix say, okay to wrestle.

Tell all the newspapers, everybody.

You can get ahold of the president,

tell him you feel good, too... Tell everybody.

You're helping a friend.

Don't you feel better?

I knew you would.

Hey, old buddy, what are you eating?

Gelatin dessert.

What flavor?

Just plain gelatin.

I don't deserve a flavor.

Will you cut it out.

You did the right thing.

Lying is the right thing?

When I die, I want my tongue buried separately.

You didn't actually lie, you know.

If anything happens to that man's shoulder...

I'm going to give him mine.

A shoulder transplant?

I'll be his right arm. I'll never leave his side.

Never leave his side?

Nobody deserves that, Felix.

Look, there are a lot of athletes

that are going through what Chuk is going through.

They break tendons and ankles, and...

they have operations and pain.

They don't quit.

They bite their lip, they spray on a little novocain,

they keep on playing.

You know why? They're masochists?

No, they love to play, that's why they're athletes.

Be honest.

Did you see the look on Chuk's face

when you told him he could wrestle?

He loved you for that.

I don't care what you say.

Liars never prosper.

Neither do unemployed sportswriters.

Oscar, I can't go through with this, I can't.

I don't want to cover that match tonight.

My heart's just not in it.

Do you think I would let you cover that match tonight?

I wouldn't let you within 50 miles of it.

Good.

Good, because all the guards

around there have little click, clicks of you...

Not to let you in.

It's for the best.

I'll stay home tonight.

What'll you do?

Read the Bible. Oh, boy.

Who did you get to replace me?

Buzzy Allen.

I'll say a prayer for you.

You'll probably be able to get some shots

before the match, behind- the-scenes-stuff, okay?

Yeah. Attaboy.

Hey, I smell something wonderful.

That's rubbing alcohol.

Which way to the arena?

I'm dying for a beer.

It's not that kind of wrestling.

They don't sell beer here.

No beer? No.

What kind of wrestling is that?

This is the real thing, Buzzy... amateurs.

You mean, they don't know who's going to win before?

That's right.

They're going to ruin the game.

Where's Felix?

Oh, he couldn't come,

but this is his replacement, Buzzy Allen.

I don't like his eyes.

I don't see his eyes.

You mean, my friend Felix couldn't come?

Oh, he wanted to come, but he couldn't.

Good luck, Sport.

Same to you.

Jerry Burns, let's go.

We want to introduce you to the crowd.

Chuk, it's me, Felix.

How'd you get in here?

Chuk, I lied to you.

Don't you understand, you're going to start World War III?!

I can't help it, the truth will out!

Your teeth will out if you...

Wait a minute. I settle this.

I settle this.

I tell you, Felix,

I know from before that you not tell me truth.

How do you know?

My face gave me away, huh?

No, not your face.

The last checkup, your fingers not sincere.

Do you hate me?

No, you lied to me,

because you want to save your friend from shame.

That's true. He did do it for me, Chuk.

If you know I'm lying, why do you want to go out there and wrestle?

Chuk also have friends in China

who would lose face if Chuk not wrestle.

Chuk also loyal to friends.

Chuk wrestle for friends.

Mr. Chin, we're ready for you now.

When you fall, be sure to favor this shoulder.

Okay, Buzzy, let's go, buddy.

Is this Buzzy Allen? Yeah.

I never met him.

I spoke to you on the phone, Mr. Allen.

It was a great pleasure.

He's shy.

May I borrow your camera?

I knew you wouldn't let me down. I'll return it.

Although, I must say, as one photographer to another

that I do think it's a crime that a man of your talent...

Take your feet off the sofa!

Wait, wait till you see the art I got.

I got my pictures... Really great stuff.

Oh, I want to see it.

I got the best picture of the first fall.

Oh, when he had him up in the air? Yeah.

Yeah, oh, let me see that one.

Look at that.

Look at that. A picture of me?

Yeah, but look at the look in your eyes.

That tells the whole story.

Where are the wrestlers?

They're in the ring.

A hundred photographers got that shot.

You don't want that. I do want that.

Let me show you the victory... Chuk's victory at the end.

This is really something...

When he pinned him down? Yes.

Oh, I thought he was never...

Here it is, look at that. A beautiful picture of a bell.

Yeah.

Look closely, what do you see?

The fly on the bell?

Right. No, the fly has just flown off the bell.

You know why?

Because the bell was just rung.

Look at the iridescence in those wings.

That tells the whole story... A moment of triumph.

Isn't that wonderful?

I tell you, these pictures are just too pretty

to put in the sports section.

I'm going to put them on the front page...

The picture of me and the fly on the bell.

And on the sports page, I'm going to put a want ad for a job.

What a joker.

Look who's here.

Look who's here.

Hey, Miss Lee. Chuk.

Come in, come in.

Chuk, what a nice surprise.

Hello. How are you?

We go to China tomorrow,

so we came up tonight to be with good friends.

Oh, isn't that nice? Oh, congratulations on your victory.

What did you bring?

Food, food.

Special food.

Food that Chinese people like.

Oh, food that Chinese people like.

Oh, how nice.

Let's see what you've got here.

What did you bring us?

Uh, you like rocks?

Rocks? Rocks? Rocks.

What kind of rocks?

Rocks... kleam and bagel.

And brintzes, cheese brintzes.

Cheese brintzes. And river, chopped river.

Yes.

How come you brought this food?

I love Italian food.