Original subtitles

I told you, I already had lunch at the office.

What, Fig Newtons and creme soda?

Hell's Angels eat better than you

and neater, too.

Won't hurt you to eat some decent food for a change.

Decent? You always said pizza gives me heartburn.

Nothing gives you heartburn.

Now, you comfortable?

Yeah. Good.

I'm leaving.

What do you mean, you're leaving?

We just got here. You'll see.

Just wait, somebody will come and sit with you.

What are we doing here, Casablanca? Who's coming?

What? Somebody.

Who?

A lady somebody.

A lady somebody?

You fixed me up with a date with a lady.

Who? Who? Who? Yeah.

Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman with the overbite?

What? For lunch?

Don't be silly.

Listen... Felix.

Felix, I'm not late, am I?

Hello, hello. Hello, darling, how are you?

Blanche, what are you doing here?

Oscar, what are you doing here?

You fixed me up with my ex-wife?

Yes.

Now I got heartburn.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Oh...

You two...

Blanche, what are you doing in New York,

starting your own alimony collection agency?

No.

I came east for my Uncle Dave's wedding.

Old Uncle Dave? The guy's gotta be over 90.

Yeah.

So, Blanche is in New York.

Today is the anniversary of your divorce.

So?

I thought it would be fun if you celebrated it together.

Fun?

Aren't you the guy that got

the survivors of the Hindenberg together?

He thought it would be fun.

It was my idea.

Just call me an incurable romantic.

I'd like to call you...

Just call him incurable, sweetheart.

I'm on my way. I'm going.

Good.

Good-bye, Felix.

You're gauche, but good, dear.

Oh, you two...

It's a great idea, you'll see.

Gee, it's great to hear about Uncle Dave.

I didn't know he got married.

Neither did he.

Kind of weird, isn't it?

The two of us sitting here celebrating our divorce.

Weird?

When I'm in California, I celebrate it every day.

Hey.

Oh, would you like linguini?

They make it great here.

You remembered.

Remembered what? I hate linguini.

Uh-huh.

But I remember...

make it one linguini red clam sauce,

and one pizza with everything on it,

and wine in one of those things that looks like a basket.

When did you master Italian, darling?

Come on, will you cut out the zingers.

It's a truce, remember? We're on neutral ground. Right, right. Sorry.

Sorry, it's a truce.

Listen, we had a lot of good things going for us.

Oh, we had a lot of laughs.

As Grover Cleveland said,

some people get along all the time,

some people never get along,

and we never got along all the time.

Grover Cleveland said that?

Listen, he was no Abe Lincoln.

'Cause we had some great fights.

But the best one was the one that broke us up...

New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve.

Yeah. That was a beauty.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you really blew it that night.

I blew it?

I... Blanche, I started a lot of fights,

but at that New Year's party, you were the bad guy.

Me?

I was there.

I happened to have thrown that party, remember?

Where was I, playing drums with Guy Lombardo?

I was there, too. I saw what happened.

Okay, tell me what you saw.

No, no, no, I want you to tell me your version

'cause I need the laugh.

It would be my pleasure.

It is burned into my memory.

I remember how I worked and I slaved on that party

to make it perfect for you,

and there you were in your usual grumpy mood,

sitting around telling dirty jokes

and hanging around with your buddies.

Then the guy says, "Yeah, now that I got it,

how do I get rid of it?"

I got to get another splash.

Oh, darling, darling, is everything all right?

Yeah, it's wonderful, wonderful.

Oh, honey, I want you to try this dip.

I spent hours on it.

See if you like it.

You like it?

You deserve a medal.

I'll hang an avocado around your neck.

I'm busy talking, all right?

Honey, wait a minute.

Listen, is this dress all right?

I mean, you know it isn't too tacky, is it?

This is a party, it's not a fashion show.

Why don't you go blow up some balloons?

Let's blow them up together like we used to.

Remember? I'm talking,

I'm not blowing and I'm not remembering.

Why don't you answer the door?

We could answer it together.

You answer it, and if it's a naked midget

with a banner across his chest, tell him he's early.

You have a good time, sweetheart.

I'll answer the door.

Felix!

How are you?

Oh, my sinuses are killing me,

but I won't ruin your party.

I promise.

Is it New Year's?

Where's Oscar?

Oh, he's over there having a wonderful time

with all his friends.

His friends...

I saw one today with a tattoo of a rat on his neck.

Oh, darling, don't feel bad.

There's a man over there without a bone in his nose.

Poor Blanche.

Oh, come on. It'll be a lovely party.

Come on, I'll introduce you around.

Excuse me, aren't you

Trudy Wells, the tennis pro?

Why, yes, but I'm good at other things, too.

Let me, please... Ooh, thank you.

I just love your party.

I do, too, now.

Hey, how about a drink, right here?

Oh, gee, I'd love one,

but I have a very strict tennis coach.

Yeah, I'll bet he said

you shouldn't wear lace panties at Forrest Hills, too.

I just love this dip. Mm.

What are these little black things?

Oh, those are Oscar's cigar ashes.

Poor Blanche.

Oh...!

You're silly.

Look at Oscar over there.

Isn't he cute when he gets around a pretty girl?

You mean you're not jealous?

Of Oscar?

No. Why should I be?

Well, I, I'm the last guy in the world to pass on gossip,

but that girl's got a terrible reputation.

She broke up a marriage on The Newlywed Game.

Darling, if a husband and wife

can't trust each other, what do they have?

You're some kind of girl, Blanche.

Hey, it's almost midnight.

Excuse me.

Are you gonna get the noisemakers?

Save me a roll-out tweeter noisemaker. You betcha.

Isn't she a wonderful hostess?

Great party.

Oscar, please.

Why not?

But you said you just wanted to see my forehand.

I do. I do, and it's beautiful.

Just like the rest of you.

It's a bad bounce.

Where's my Oscar?

You know what?

He hides every New Year's Eve.

He hid last year.

Where did you find him?

In Cleveland.

Doesn't she have a wonderful sense of humor?

Oscar... Oscar, darling.

Where are you?

Oscar... Pass those out. Blanche. Blanche.

You're just terrible.

I think it's my serve.

And the score is 15-love.

Why don't you tell her the real score,

45 and out of gas.

Blanche.

Oscar, how could you?

Blanche, you don't understand.

It was nothing.

Your kisses usually are.

Poor Blanche.

I don't know what to say.

Well, say good-bye. Let me talk to my wife.

Talk? There's nothing to talk about.

Wait, Blanche!

Felix, at least you'll listen to me.

Oscar, I'm the last to turn against you,

but you've not only mortally wounded

the loveliest, most trusting wife in the world,

but look at the way you've wrinkled those coats.

Coat freak!

Felix, I didn't mean to cheat on Blanche.

She's got to know that.

It's too late for that now.

Now, I've got to find her before she does something drastic.

Well, what do I do?

When you see her, get down on your knees

and thank your maker for a wife like Blanche.

Aw, Blanche,

Blanche, pull yourself together.

Felix, do you mind, please?

Blanche, I'm sorry.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Look, I'm on my knees, I'm begging.

Please forgive me.

Please, Oscar, get up.

Your trousers are getting the floor all dusty.

Great party, Blanche.

Thank you, dear.

What can I do? I'll do anything.

I'll buy you that house, I'll even turn neat.

I'm sorry, Oscar, it's too late for all that.

My words exactly.

Hey, everybody, it's midnight!

♪ ...old acquaintance be forgot and... ♪

Everybody, hold it, hold it!

I'm sorry, you'll have to go somewhere else

to ring in a Happy New Year. The party's over.

Poor Blanche.

You've got to be kidding.

That blonde was nothing.

I took her out after we broke up.

Never let sleeping dogs lie, do you, Oscar?

Come on, Blanche, you've got the story all wrong.

Sure, we broke up for good that night,

but it was your fault. My fault?!

Are you gonna sit there, are you gonna tell me

you don't really remember what happened?

Tell me your version.

I'd like to hear it told with a full mouth.

Okay.

It was a good party.

The room was filled with good friends, good booze

and good spirits, but you, baby, you were impossible.

You were a... like a deranged Carmen Miranda.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucharacha ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

♪ Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Excuse me.

Oh, I just love your friends.

Honey, it's almost midnight,

don't you think we ought to hand out the noisemakers?

Yes, sweetheart, you do that.

Yeah, but I don't know where they are, darling.

They're in the closet.

The one with the pointy head is yours.

Honey, there's the door.

Let's answer it together.

You get it.

I have a few little things to answer here.

Try to have a good time, dear.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha... ♪

Hello, Felix, how are you?

My sinuses are killing me.

I promise you I won't ruin your party.

Is it midnight?

This is the kind of party I love!

Men! Men!

Look at Blanche.

Look at that dress she's not wearing.

It's quite an attention grabber...

and it's getting a lot of grabs, too.

Yay!

Carry me into the kitchen!

To the kitchen!

Everybody in the kitchen.

Pretty rough, huh, kid?

It's no picnic.

You poor guy.

You deserve better.

I try to be nice, but...

Oscar, I'm the last man in the world

to offer unsolicited advice,

but maybe she's not for you.

Maybe you're right, Felix.

After all, I'm only a guy.

I'm not God.

Oscar Madison,

my favorite sportswriter.

She's not for you either, Oscar.

Trudy Wells, you know Felix Unger?

How do you do?

Little Trudy's been waiting all night for you

to pay her a little attention...

Honey, now, you've been drinking a lot.

You know what martinis do to you.

Oh, they get me drunk.

That's why I drink 'em.

Give me your glass.

No!

Pretty please?

No, no, no, no!

Oh, go ahead, Trudy, do it.

Oh, no, this one's for you, Oscar.

Oh, I don't feel so good.

What do I do now?

Should I get her a coaster?

I'll get her to the bedroom

and have her take a nap, okay?

Good idea.

I'll turn down the bed.

No, no, no, I don't want to mess up the party.

You get Blanche

and have her hand out the noisemakers, will you?

You're some kind of guy, Oscar.

Blanche is lucky to have a husband like you.

Thank you, Felix. Thank you.

It's a great party!

Beautiful! Great!

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

You're a beautiful guy, Oscar.

♪ Da, da, da! ♪

♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪

♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Ra, da, da, da, ta! ♪

♪ Ra, da, da, ta! ♪

Join us, join us, darling. Join us!

Such a dusty dance.

Trudy, no, please!

I gotta... please!

I want to take you for a ride.

Excuse me.

I was just putting her down.

You've been putting me down for nine years.

It never looked like that.

What happened? Was it a bad serve?

Stay on your back, sweetie. It's your best side.

Felix!

Oh, Oscar, she's doing you a terrible injustice.

I know. We've got to go straighten her out.

Right, but first, let me straighten out these coats.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Did you ever see

such an unreasonably jealous woman?

And for no reason.

I know. I've got to find her and set her straight.

Oscar, you're a saint. A saint.

Blanche!

Oscar!

Excuse me, folks. It wasn't my fault, Oscar.

I just came here for a piece of ice.

She's not for you.

Oh, Oscar, I'm so ashamed!

Because you got caught?

You tell it to the Goldfarbs!

Our lawyers?!

Yeah. You take a Goldfarb, I'll take a Goldfarb

and I'll meet you in court!

I don't want a Goldfarb, Oscar.

I want you to forgive me, please?! I beg you!

The good Lord and Felix, they know I've tried,

but you're just not for me.

Please.

Oh, Oscar, please. I'll try to be nice!

I'll learn to litter!

Get up, Blanche. You're getting linoleum burns.

Felix.

I'm sorry, Blanche.

You had it coming.

What should I do, Felix?

While you're down there on your knees,

thank your maker for a husband like Oscar.

Hey, everybody, it's midnight!

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to... ♪

No, no, though a terrible, terrible thing has happened,

I want all of you, my friends, to continue to have a good time.

I want everybody to have a good time, everybody!

But me!

Oscar, the only football player I ever touched

was a Ram fullback who ran out of bounds

and stepped on me with his cleats!

A likely story. You're gonna tell me...

Everybody...

Hi, you two. How's it going?

That well, huh?

We seem to have trouble remembering the events

of a certain evening.

She has trouble remem...

I'm glad you're here.

You remember the New Year's Eve party,

the one where I blew the whistle on Blanche?

That's his version. In my version,

the only thing he blew was our marriage.

Do I remember?

That is the most vivid night in my entire memory...

even if I was doomed to failure.

What failure?

What else?

Keeping you two from making

such a terrible mistake.

I remember how I felt that night, how up I was.

It was New Year's Eve and I felt like a million dollars.

I arrived late

because I'd been to two or three parties before,

but I had to be with you two at midnight.

Oh what a party it was.

Boy, what a dull party!

Is Felix coming?

Yeah, he'll be here soon.

Yeah, where's Felix?

That's what this party needs...

Happy New Year!!!

Feliz nuevo ano!

Gluchlict Neu Yahr!

Bonne Noël!

Ah, guy's got a million of 'em!

He's an international wit!

Oh, Felix!

Ah, Blanche!

Ah, Blanche, don't you look lovely!

Oh, you always know exactly what to say

to make a woman feel like a woman.

Hey, speaking of woman, where's your woman?

I'm solo tonight.

You're kidding. You never...

Oh, I should've known.

Look at the way they go for him.

I want to thank you for that great Christmas gift.

Oh, yes, a humidifier,

so we can breathe pure air.

If you can't breathe outside,

at least you'll be able to breathe inside.

What a mind!

He does topical humor, too!

Oh...!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I see you invited Trudy Wells,

the famous tennis champ.

Yes, do you know her?

Everybody knows her.

She's broken up more marriages than Monday Night Football.

Oh, you silly thing.

I've got to get out the noisemakers.

It's almost midnight.

Excuse me, girls.

Girls, girls, I'll be back, I promise.

Hey, kids, where are you two going?

I don't know. Wherever he's taking me.

I'm a follower.

I'm taking her for a nap.

Whenever she nips, she's gotta nap,

and she's nipped.

So, nappy nap!

Oscar? What?

Willpower.

Oh... Who's Will Power?

Felix, where did Oscar disappear to?

I couldn't say.

I need him to help me hand out the goodies, darling.

He's already getting the goodies.

He doesn't need any help with the goodies.

That would turn out baddies.

Felix, what are you talking about?

Blanche, don't go back there.

Blanche, if you go back, go back with an open mind!

I don't think... Cheese it, Oscar!

We're going to see the sandman.

Oscar!

Are you the sandman?

No, I'm the sandman's wife, and I'm going to sprinkle

a little poison in your eyes, dear.

Oh, my goodness.

I bet you think there's something wrong.

I'll take that bet.

Wow, she's really sore.

How did she know I was in here?

It, it couldn't be anything I said.

What did you say?

I told her not to come back here, Oscar.

I said if she did go in, to go in with an open mind.

I yelled "Cheese it, Oscar".

You yelled, "Cheese it, Oscar"?! Thanks a lot.

Now I know how much trouble I'm in.

Why is it every time you want to help me,

you end up hurting me?

You're like a vicious St. Bernard!

See what happens when you try to help people?

Happy New Year!

I just don't know what to do.

Aw, Blanche...

Some of these kids coming up from colleges,

it's going to be a whole different ball game.

They're getting different patterns, you know?

They're going in more, they're going out more.

The passes, they're not able to read the defense...

Hey, uh, did you see Blanche?

Yes, she's in the kitchen.

There's a kid coming up, I think, is gonna be...

You saw her in the kitchen?

Yeah. She wouldn't accept my apology,

but I'll straighten her out later.

This kid is really something.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

You, you did see her in the kitchen?

Yeah.

And that... that doesn't bother you?

What's it bother me, that she's fixing a noisemaker?

That's what you call him, huh?

Call who?

The vicious St. Bernard says no more.

I'm going to take a look.

No, don't go in there, Oscar!

Why not?

No, no. If you go in, go in with an open mind.

Get out of my... Cheese it, Blanche!

Blanche!

How could you?!

What are you talking about?

You, out of the huddle!

And you, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Oh, sure, the best form of defense is attack.

I don't have anything to defend.

I know nothing happened in the bedroom.

I saw what was happening here!

People, people, it's a terrible misunderstanding.

You're both such wonderful people.

Sure, he plays a great game of tennis on a mattress.

Look who's talking!

The Sensuous Woman of the Kitchen.

I never did trust you.

You had those beady little eyes!

That's not beady, that's a wince.

It's been there since the day we were married!

You don't have to stay married, sweetheart.

People, people, please!

Aw, shut up! Aw, shut up!

Why don't you get out of here!

Get out of here! Mind your own business, will ya?!

Instead of yelling at me,

the two of you should be down on your knees

thanking your maker for a friend like me.

Hey, everybody, it's midnight!

Happy New Year!

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to... ♪

I tried to talk to them,

but I'm afraid it's, it's no use.

The party's over.

Believe me, I did everything in my power

to hold those two people together.

Now... Just go home!

It's just...

Poor Felix...

What are you staring at me like that for?

The way I described it, that's the way it happened.

The gospel according to Saint Felix.

That's very funny,

but if you two had listened to me that night,

you'd never have got a divorce.

Felix, we never belonged together.

No, no, no, no, wrong!

You do belong together.

You love each other, and leave it to me,

I'm going to get the two of you back together again.

Now we'll eat.

The meal is on me.

So's the wine.