Original subtitles

Here we are.

Come on in. Come on in, Mike.

Come on in.

Oscar!

Hope he's home.

Oscar!

It's me, Felix.

I'm home.

Still living here, huh?

Yeah.

He's kidding.

Where are you?

In my bedroom.

Oh, he's in his room.

I better not take you in there.

Why?

You've heard of pollution? Yeah.

It started in there.

Make yourself at home.

Sit down, sit down anywhere you want.

There's a good chair... Sit there.

You'll like it there...

No, sit here on the sofa... This is better.

It's more comfortable.

Just make yourself at home.

Have a piece of fruit.

Be sure you take... take a napkin with it

and then... whatever you want,

then eat the fruit, and then sit down over here.

Use the napkin, make yourself completely at home.

Just do whatever you want, yeah.

Oscar? Yeah.

Hi! Hi.

Ah, putting on your trousers, huh?

Yeah, I gotta cover the basketball game at the Garden.

Ahhh!

You changed your shirt.

No, same one I wore yesterday.

No, I mean the one on the lamp.

Looks nice,

gives the room a nice, soft, pink glow.

I like it. Very funny.

What's on your mind? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, you have to go cover the basketball game, huh?

Yeah. The Hawks?

No, the Knicks. The Knicks and the Hawks?

The Knicks and the Bucks. The Bucks and the Hawks.

The Knicks and the Bucks. Yeah, yeah.

You're trying to act concerned, what is it?

You want to con me out of something, what is it?

My eyes give me away, don't they?

I'd like to give you away.

There, there is something I want to talk to you about.

That's what I figured. What is it?

Well, you know, I've been doing this,

this picture story over at the Eastside School for Boys.

The reform school.

No, that's not nice... Reform school.

They call it correctional institution.

Yeah? You found a pair, huh?

Yeah.

What do they call the little inmates now... moppets?

Oh no, come on, they're nice boys.

They're just boys who need a break.

Okay, I'll send 'em a hacksaw.

I'm in a hurry. There's this one boy,

Mike Calahan, he really is a deserving kid,

he's a nice kid.

He's got off to the wrong start in life.

He has a negative, negative attitude, you know.

He needs... I can't watch this.

Just...

Are you finished? Yeah, I'm finished.

He needs an adult on the outside

to take an interest in him.

Someone he can relate to, you know what I mean?

So, I... Right, so,

Felix Goodshoes volunteered for the job.

I think it's very good

and very commendable. Not exactly.

Um, I volunteered you.

What?!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Are you out of your mind?

Signing me up as a warden for a delinquent kid?

Shh, shh, shh! What shh-shh-shh?

He's out... he'll hear you.

He's right out there, in the other room.

You mean, he escaped?

He's in my custody for the afternoon.

Oh, that's terrific.

Now, I told him that you'd spend a few hours

with him. Felix, I can't.

I told you I got to cover

the basketball game. Oh, that's wonderful!

Take him with you.

I'm in the press box!

Great, the press box. You need special permission.

You got to arrange it in advance

to bring a guest. The kid loves sports!

He lives and breathes sports.

He's a great athlete.

He can run the hundred yards in ten seconds flat!

Carrying a television set?

Come on, meet him. Felix, I can't.

Meet the boy. All right, I'll meet him.

You'll see, you'll like him.

Mike? Yes, Mr. Unger?

Mike, I want you to meet Oscar Madison.

Oscar, this is Michael Robert

Calahan, Junior. Hi. How are ya? Nice to meet you.

Sorry, I can't stay; I gotta

cover a basketball game. Knicks and the Bucks

Aha! Knicks and the Bucks and the Hawks, you see?

Just the Knicks and the Bucks.

Well, nice to have met you. Yeah, thanks.

Hey, I've got a quarter on the Knicks.

They can't lose. Ah. Kid gambles.

You bet against Alcindor?

He's worth 40 points a game.

Yeah, but Earl the Pearl

and Frazier'll double-team him.

They'll tie him up.

And the Knicks got the full-court press, too.

See that? "Tie him up. Full court press."

Hey.

I wrote a whole article about that this morning.

I know, I read it.

No kiddin'.

I read your column every morning.

You see that? Really.

Yeah, with the reading of the column,

and the Knicks and the Bucks and the gambling...

With a dirty shirt, he could be you.

Well, I guess...

I guess you better push off, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, listen, what are you guys going to be doing?

Oh, don't worry about us.

We'll have a ball.

We'll make some cocoa.

Play some records.

You like Brahms?

That sounds like a barrel of fun...

Listen, why don't you let Mike come with me?

Oh, I don't know. There probably aren't any seats left.

Maybe I'll find one for him, I'll, you know,

I'll see; what I'll do, I'll push around.

Well, it's up to Mike. What do you say, Mike?

You wanna? Sure would! Yeah!

Oh, well, come on.

Let's go, what are we waiting for?

Thanks. See you later, Felix. Have fun.

Okay. Yeah? Oscar...

This is a very, very fine thing you're doing.

No, you're really doing something nice for the boy.

And he'll remember.

And, someday, he'll come back...

And rob me.

Did you see how Frazier was faking?

I could see everything from the press box.

Hey, press box.

You didn't tell me you took him... Forget it, will ya?

Just get in the... Let's go, let's go!

He faked with his shoulder, with the shoulder.

Hey, watch what you're doing!

Come on, watch the furniture.

Oh, forget the furniture.

To have fun, you don't have to knock everything over.

All right, come on, get into position. Let's go, let's go!

Here we go. Come on, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want to play or don't you want to play?

Now get into position.

Come on.

There we go.

I don't like it when you hit me in the face.

I'm not a backstop, you know.

You guys got a good team at school?

Not really. Every time we get a tall guy,

he goes over the wall.

Basket, answer the door.

Let's go.

Chaplain, I didn't realize how late it was.

Uh, Mr. Unger, how are you?

Chaplain Muldoon, Oscar Madison.

Oh, yes, I read your column often.

And did you have a good time this afternoon?

I sure did.

Good. Mike, we better be going.

Don't forget the autographed picture

of the Knicks in my room.

Have to leave so soon?

Well, I've got to get the boy back for supper.

It's 6:00. Hey, Mike,

how's the food over there? It's great.

I'm the chaplain, I can't lie.

The food is...

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you let Mr. Unger and I take him out for dinner.

We'll take him to the school afterwards.

That's a good idea. Could I come along?

Oh, we'd love to have you... would you?

No, I'm only joking.

But Mike would love it.

So have him in before 10:00.

It's lights out.

You're sure you won't come now? No, thanks.

But you could bring me back a doggie bag.

You got it. Bye-bye, Chaplain.

He seems like a nice guy. Yeah, nice guy.

Hey, you know where we'll take him?

To that steak house...

What's the matter? I can't go.

Why not?

I promised Edna I'd take her shopping

for new clothes this afternoon.

Well, anyway, I'll take him myself.

I'll bet you he hasn't seen a steak in a long time.

Let me try to make a basket.

I don't have time. I want to shoot.

No, I got to get dressed.

Didn't I stand... wasn't I a basket for you?!

Why can't you be a basket for me?

Okay, one minute.

All right, let's go. Here we go.

Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go.

All right, come on.

No "One, Two, Three, O'Leary"!

Come on and shoot it.

I feel like a pregnant woman here.

What are you doing?

They're double-teaming me.

Oh! Oh! What happened? What happened?

I was fouled.

I get a free throw.

Okay, come on.

What is that on the carpet?

That's because you're dribbling so much.

Now come on.

You know, I've noticed in free throws,

they do one of three things:

they do it underhand like that,

or off the chest like that

or sometimes one hand like that.

What should I do? Shoot!

Daddy, they fit perfectly.

You're going to wear that to school?

Well, of course.

If I don't, I'll look freaky.

What's the matter?

Nothing, I just...

I just can't get used to the idea

of my little angel looking like one of the Dirty Dozen.

Shouldn't have made me have all that pie, too.

You're a growing boy.

Hey, Mike. Hi, Uncle Oscar.

Mike, this is my daughter,

Edna... you don't have to salute.

Hi, Mike.

How was dinner?

Oh, it was terrific.

Uncle Oscar took me to a joint

where they got terrific chili dogs

and garlic pizza.

Oh, my, them's eats.

Everything a growing boy needs to get bad breath.

Oh, Mike, my dad just bought me some new records.

Want to hear 'em? Sure, I guess so. If it's okay.

Oh, you kids, wait a second. I want you to hear something.

I've got a new record of Mahler's Kindertotenlieder.

It's a little bit morbid, but I think you kids... Felix, Felix.

Can I see you for a second, please? What?

Very important, I want to talk to you.

Come on, come here, I'll tell you.

Come here.

Come in here. What?

What is it with the "Kindertoler"?!

The kids want to hear rock.

What do they want to hear junk like that for?

What do you mean junk? They love it.

Ah, ha, ha.

What does that mean, "Ha, ha, ha, ha"?

Well, Mike called you Uncle Oscar, didn't he?

That doesn't mean anything.

He called a cab driver Uncle Cab Driver.

No, no, it means that he likes you.

And you like him.

You've got a heart, after all.

I got a heart and I like...

He seems like a nice kid and he seems honest.

He's the first kid I've ever been able to get along with.

You think it's because he's a thief?

Because he needs you.

Gee, Lucky Lindy made it.

Oh...!

You've got a real feeling for the underdog.

No kidding. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I don't know.

I don't want to get too chummy

because he does have a record

and maybe I'm doing... What are you saying?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Honestly... What?

A man who's had the breaks,

the opportunities that you've had in life, to deny those...

All that kid needs is trust, someone to believe in him.

When I look at that kid, I say,

"There but for the grace of God go I."

Daddy, guess what?

I told you never to come in here until you're 21.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

But anyway, Mike is having a dance at his school

and he wants me to be his date.

You see, that's what I mean by the power of rehabilitation.

I never saw that kid before this afternoon.

I trusted him.

I brought him to my home.

I introduced him to my daughter

and he invited her to a dance.

If that little crook thinks he's taking my daughter...

Oh, sure, Gloria, that's perfectly okay.

Stay another night.

Yeah, fine.

Oh, she's having a ball.

Yeah.

Yeah, just a minute.

I'll let you... yeah, sure.

Say good night to Mommy. Good night, Mom.

Did you hear that?

Now, she's just a little bit tired out

from all the fun she's having.

Yeah, don't worry about a thing.

Okay, fine.

Gloria, stay away from fried foods.

Right, bye-bye.

Dad, can I go to bed now?

Of course, dear.

Don't be blue.

I know you're unhappy because you can't go to the dance.

But remember, growing up is painful sometimes.

But pain is nature's way of making us mature.

Good night, honey.

Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh, boy.

I tell you, it's no joke being a father,

but with a daughter like Edna, it's really...

Look, I know she's upset right now...

Oscar.

Oscar, I'm trying to communicate with you.

I don't communicate with hypocrites.

Who's a hypocrite?

You're a hypocrite. You hypocrite!

I'm not a hypocrite!

All that eyewash about giving Mike a hand.

I'm not letting my little princess go to some wild party

at a reform school.

Correctional institution, hypocrite.

Oh, that's just a fancy expression, and you know it.

She's not ready for that wild crowd yet.

They'll meet in ten years when she becomes a policewoman.

This is her first date.

I want it to be something special.

Felix, this is something special.

You know what I mean.

I want the fellow to be clean-cut and cultured,

a little bit shy perhaps, but with a twinkle in his eye...

Youthful but with an aristocratic air.

There's a law against dating your own daughter.

She's so young... She's just a baby.

She's innocent.

These kids are wild, Oscar.

Felix, she is no dummy. She knows the score.

Doesn't she know the score?

You mean that filth about the birds and the bees?

She doesn't know the score.

She doesn't even know there's a game on, does she?

She's only 12 years old.

Felix, in Africa, they have tribes that have 12-year-old grandmothers.

Bite your tongue.

Look, would you feel better if she knew the facts of life?

Well, I... All right, get Gloria to tell her.

No.

Why not? Gloria told you.

Gloria's out of town.

All right, then you tell her.

Oh no, no, no, I'll tell her.

You let her go and I'll tell her.

That's the way...

Wait, what are you going to tell her?

Well, did you see Lolita?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm kidding. I'm only kidding.

I tell you... What?

I want her to understand, so tell her the truth.

But don't make it so graphic that it'll shock her.

I want you to be blunt... The whole thing... but subtle.

I want her to be confused.

I don't get it.

Okay, let's forget about Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bunny

and what happened in the lettuce...

A girl is like a baseball diamond...

Yes.

And the bad man at bat is going to try to score a run.

And we can't let that happen.

See, if the guy gets to first base... mustn't let that happen.

No, so you've got to strike him out so he never gets to first base.

Yeah, see, if he gets to first base,

he'll try to steal second.

Oh.

So that's when you call the umpire.

And you know who that is?

I don't know.

I'm the umpire.

And I walk up to that slugger and say, "You're out.

Get off the field."

You understand?

Yeah, it's a lot like sex.

Good night, darling; good night, good night.

Sleep tight, darling. Sleep tight.

Oscar, she said the word.

What word?

Sex.

Yeah, and if a baseball player

tries to take her out

he's going to have a terrible time.

How did she know? How did she find out?

What are you talking about?

She's no dummy... She's a sensible girl.

Felix, you forgot to tell her she can go to the dance.

No, no, that's out. What do you mean no?

Absolutely out. How could you say that? You promised.

My little baby knows about: sex.

Felix, the whole world

It's a very, very dangerous situation.

Oh, Felix, you've got to let her go to the...

I guarantee you nothing's going to happen.

How can you do that?

Well, I, I'll personally-personally

I will chaperone the dance, how about that?

Well, no, I, I... Oh, come on.

Look, I'm your best friend.

Would I let anything happen to Edna?

I... Would I?

No. Of course not.

Look, I'm gonna guarantee you that nothing can happen.

I'm going to prove it right now.

What's this? This is my marker.

Your marker? Marker.

If anything happens to Edna, I owe you one daughter.

This is meaningless.

Why?

You didn't sign it.

Hey, Mike. How's it going?

Okay, I guess, Mr. Madison.

Only I wonder what's taking Edna so long to get here.

You'd be late too, if your father made you wear a bullet-proof vest.

Don't worry, she'll be here any minute.

Buddy, Louie gets the chair at midnight.

You, uh... got any messages for him?

Yeah. Tell him not to sit down.

And listen, if these cookies aren't any good,

I'm gonna have my goons work you over, you got it?

Got it, Mr. M.

Your buddy's got a great sense of humor. What's he in for?

Nothing. He's the warden's son.

Oh look, there she is.

Hi, Edna.

Hi, Mike.

Edna, a lady does not wave.

It's flashy.

And when flashiness comes in the door,

femininity goes out the window.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hey, want to meet some of the guys... maybe have a dance?

Edna promised me the first dance.

Only if it's a minuet.

Go ahead, dance. Have a good time.

Remember the umpire has not said, "play ball."

Felix, cool it, will ya? Everything's going to be fine.

She's going to be just great.

I hope so; it's the only thing I live for.

Believe me, it's going to be fine.

Sit here, relax, I'll get you some punch, all right?

You, uh, want a goodie, Mac?

Thank you.

The, uh, the key's in the cupcake.

What?

That's the key to the back gate.

See, we break out at 10:05, when the screws change the guard.

Keep your motor running. If they spot ya,

use your heater.

Felix, don't let the ice melt.

That kid... What?

He's planning a breakout.

I've got the key in my cupcake.

That kid? Yes.

Felix, if I ever want to sell a bridge, let me look you up.

Yes, thank you, Charlie.

Let's have it quiet, everybody.

And now, I would like to welcome all of you

to our dance... And a very special thanks

to the young ladies for coming down here today.

Now I would like to introduce some of the gentlemen

that have come down here to lend us a hand...

Mr. T.J. Carter, Mr. Armand Horowitz,

and a very special hello to Mr. Oscar Madison,

our chief chaperone for the evening

and a very well-known sportswriter.

Speech.

I'm not going to make a speech

'cause I'm a great believer in short sentences.

Thank you. And now,

I'd like to have you meet a friend of Mr. Madison's...

A gentleman I'm sure many of you know

for his photographic work on the premises, Mr. Felix Unger.

Thank you, Padre.

It's a great pleasure to be here with you again.

It was fun photographing you.

I have excellent shots of each and every boy here.

Anybody could instantly identify you.

Felix, will you get off the stage?

I trust them. I just want them to know that.

Let's go then, come on.

Edna? Where's Edna?

Edna, can you hear my voice?!

Daddy!

Daddy, I'm here.

Oh. Felix, will you...? Hit it, Charlie.

What kind of parent would I be if I...?

Greatest fight I've ever seen...

I'd have to say it was between two hatcheck girls

at the Copacabana.

You want some punch? - Yeah.

Oscar, Oscar, look, look, look!

Come here. What, what?

This bar just came out of the window there.

What shall I do? Put it back.

Chaplain, I'm sorry to interrupt

your benediction. What benediction?

This bar... I'm counting heads.

This bar just came out of the window.

Well, put it back.

17, 18, 19, 20...

Why are you counting?

Because I either counted wrong, or I'm missing a few.

Who's missing?

Mike Callahan for one... Mike Callahan?

Uh-huh. He's with Edna.

Well, I don't see them.

He ran off with my little girl.

This is your responsibility. I have your marker.

Well, take it easy. I saw them here... Where? Where?

Over there, right over there...

It's a bust-out. Nobody move.

Nobody move!

I'm placing this entire room under citizen's arrest!

Mr. Unger, control yourself.

You, search the laundry truck.

What's the matter with you?

You, cupcake, spill your guts.

And you, pray.

Hey, I've got an announcement to make, you know.

Felix, let him make the announcement, please.

What, the ransom? Oh, cut it out.

By unanimous vote,

we, the residents of Eastside School for Boys

have selected the Queen of our Annual Dance.

That's the dame you'd most like to break out with...

Edna Unger!

Let's hear it for them.

Brava! Brava! Bravissima!

Speech!

Daddy!

Gee, I'm... I'm really terrifically honored

by this honor.

Thank you.

And specially, thanks to my father for letting me come.

No. Nobody deserves special thanks

for the kind of compassion we all... Hit it, Charlie.

And now, Your Majesty, the grand dance of the evening.

You may select the partner of your choice.

I promised.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Your turn.

May I cut in?

Later.

Felix.

She's not a little girl anymore... she's a woman.

Why not?

She takes after her parents.

Her father's an old lady.

I had a wonderful time.

Come on, Felix, if you're going to fall apart

every time she does something,

you'll end up in the Manhattan Home for the Strange.

Oh, I can't help it.

I'll never forget...

my first date.

Her name was Mildred Fleener.

My father let me take the car.

Dropped by the florist,

picked up her corsage in that box, you know,

with the cellophane on top.

Went by her house... her mother let me in.

Said I looked clean.

And she pinned on the corsage and we went to the dance.

It was just so... And I took her home...

I didn't try to kiss her or anything like that.

I was a perfect gentleman.

I've never forgotten it.

I bet she did.