Original subtitles

Felix?

Caught me, didn't you?

Caught you what?

Stealing your money.

Don't worry.

Go back to sleep.

You still have half an hour.

Okay.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Felix?

Hi, Oscar.

H-Hey, you're up early.

Want some eggs?

I want some answers. Yeah?

What, what, w-what...

What? What...

You're not making any sense.

I'll be more explicit.

Yeah.

What, what, what, what...

What?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Did I see you taking money from my pocket?

Yes.

I did?

Yes.

I mean, you were stealing money from me.

That's what I saw? Yes.

Yes, that's your confession.

You're a thief, yes? Yes? Yes.

You want some eggs?

You're gonna be an egg in a minute.

Why are you stealing money from me?

If you're going to shout at me like that,

I won't even discuss it with you.

I'm sorry.

How long has this been going on?

About two years.

Two years?

Drink your juice.

No, it gives me acid indigestion.

And how much have you stolen?

Mm... about $2,000.

Two... You got a pit.

Yeah.

$2,000.

What did you spend it on?

Hmm?

What? Tissues, vacuum cleaners?

How dare you.

How dare me?

To accuse me of pilferage for personal aggrandizement.

Well, what did you do with the money?

Give it to nasal research?

I-I'd hate to be like you.

I really would.

You're so suspicious.

I was saving it for you.

You put it away for me.

Yep.

Oh, you were saving it for me for my future?

Yes. How dare you.

Give me the money.

I don't have the money on me.

It's in the bank. What bank?

First Federal Savings and Loan.

It's earning interest every day.

Except tomorrow.

Whose name is it on, yours or mine?

Well, yours, of course.

It wouldn't be ethical to put it in my name.

Oh, tell me about ethics,

sneak-in-the-night thief-through-the-pockets.

Who are you calling?

The bank isn't open at this hour of the morning.

Hello, let me talk to Harry, please.

It's Oscar Madison. Who's Harry?

You'll see. Which Harry?

Hello, Harry.

Listen, I got two dollars in the fifth on Redneck, right?

That Harry.

But now I've got $2,002...

No, no, no!

I always cover the bet, don't I?

You're not going to blow this money on a horse.

I worked hard to get that money.

You think I like going into your room every night?

Let that be a lesson to you.

What? Crime doesn't pay.

And around the clubhouse turn, it's Redneck and Tumbleweed.

Come on, Redneck.

Come on, Redneck.

It's Tumbleweed and Redneck.

Come on, Redneck!

Which horse is yours?

Now around the far turn, coming into the stretch,

they're nose to nose.

I wish my horse had your nose.

And here comes Red Dog on the outside.

All right, Red Dog!

No, Redneck.

Well, why did they put two "Red" horses in the same race?

And they both look brown to me.

Let me adjust the color.

Now it's Red Dog and Redneck... Come on, Redneck.

Redneck and Red Dog... Redneck!

Red Dog and Redneck...

Redneck and Red Dog...

and here comes Aunt Bee on the outside.

Aunt Bee, now that's a nice name.

It's Red Dog, Redneck, Red Dog, Redneck, and the winner is...

Redneck! Redneck!

What a race!

I won! I won! You won!

I won! I won!

I'm so happy for you, Oscar.

Now don't spend it all in the same place.

Why not? I won it all in the same place.

I told you to bet with me. Why didn't you?

No, Oscar, I'm sorry, I never bet on the ponies.

There's only one sport I bet on.

What's that?

Professional wrestling.

Hello, Harry?

O.M. here.

Yeah, Lucky Oscar.

Listen, what did I win?

What? Wait a minute, I can't hear you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

a mockingbird flew through my window.

What'd he pay?

420.

I won $4,200.

Listen, don't go away, I'm coming right down.

What'd you say?

What? Wait a... The mockingbird is back.

Hold it, will ya!

What?

Felix picked up the money?

How could he do that?

The horse just won the race.

He was waiting there.

And he insisted on new bills

'cause the flu is going around.

Thanks a lot, Harry, thanks a lot.

Hold it, nightingale.

Felix picked up the money.

Aw, he's a swell guy.

I wish Felix was my best friend.

How do you want him, dead or alive?

Come on, Oscar, let me go.

My squad car's been double-parked for three hours.

Drink your milk.

Drink your milk.

How's it gonna look, a police car with a ticket on it?

Besides, I'm being derelict in my duties.

You're better off.

It's a rough crowd out there.

Gentlemen.

Arrest that man, Murray.

I should warn you anything you say can be used

as evidence against you.

What's the charge?

Hijacking.

What airline?

When you find out what I've done with your money,

you're going to be thrilled.

I'm going to give you exactly 30 seconds

to thrill me with what you did with my money.

I invested it. In what?

In something as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar

and rooted in the basic needs of the American people.

What?

A Japanese restaurant.

A Japanese restaurant.

This is the Miyako Gardens.

I'd rather have the Boardwalk and Park Place.

Take off your shoes.

Why? Is somebody sleeping?

Take off your shoes. It's the custom here.

Don't be the ugly American.

Put your shoe back on.

Why?

You've got a hole in your sock.

Felix, I don't like Japanese foods.

I don't know anything about a restaurant.

You don't have to know anything about it.

You're a silent partner.

Watch this guy.

This is the authentic Japanese cooking.

They prepare the food at the table.

Can't they afford a kitchen?

Felix, give me my money back or I'm gonna call the bunco squad.

Will you sit down with me?

Take the seza position.

Are we going to pray?

What is that?

Ah... Arigato.

Hello, Regato. Hello.

Hot towel! Of course it's hot.

Wipe your hands. It's hot.

I washed my hands before I came here.

Arigato.

Bye, Regato.

Yeah. Isn't that nice?

Felix...

get me out of here. Why?

I don't know anything about this joint.

You don't have to know anything.

Would I put you into anything that I haven't gone into myself?

I put $4,000 of my own money in this.

Who stole the money from your pocket?

I know how to save money.

The food here is sensational. Then why does he have

to cut us in if it's so great? Shh, shh.

The inscrutable Mr. Unger.

Ah, my friend, Mr. Yamada.

Yamada-san, nice to see you.

This is my friend, Mr. Madison,

the other silent partner, Mister Yamada.

How do you do, sir? Mr. Madison,

I'm very happy to meet you.

May the wind of change bring bird of luck.

Thank you. Welcome to Miyako Gardens.

I'd stand up, but I'm afraid I couldn't get down again.

Now explain your...

Ung-ah. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Ung-ah.

Ung-ah?

Ah, it is telephone for Mr. Felix Unger. Oh.

Ring, ring-a-ling, ring, ring.

Felix Unger. It is in the kitchen.

Yes. Yamada-san?

Explain the improvements you planned to Madison-san.

He is a nervous sparrow in a nest of gold.

Mr. Unger is a very fine gentleman.

In Japan, he would be considered

most honorable man.

Over here, he's considered a pest.

Please. Nosh.

I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Yamada,

I really don't want to be a partner.

See, Mr. Unger had no right to invest my money

without talking to me about it.

You see? The flight of a lost bird

is at the mercy of the wind,

Mr. Madison. Everybody's talking about birds,

but nobody's talking about my four grand.

It is lost in the wind...

buying many improvements.

This is how it will be at the end of six weeks.

Hmm. Huh?

New rooms, air-conditioning, bigger garden.

With your money, Miyako Gardens

will become number one Japanese restaurant

in the entire city.

Well, couldn't you be number two and try a little harder?

Oscar, guess what?

That was my daughter on the phone.

She only has two cavities!

Must be that new toothpaste we're using.

Now you know why he's considered a pest over here.

Mr. Madison. Yes, sir?

The bird that makes an extra egg...

Forget that. Let me speak your language.

Without use of bird.

In this room alone, I take in $800,

maybe $900 a week.

You're kidding? No.

Prom week, I break a thousand.

I have a take-out trade

that is dynamite with the college crowd.

They think it is hip to eat Nip.

Now, with the money from you and Mr. Unger,

I can triple my profits in three months,

six tops.

You like the ponies, I hear. Oh, yeah, I love them.

Here is gambling money for you.

See, Mr. Yamada, you talk very nice,

but if it's such a good thing, how come you're cutting us in?

Mr. Unger and I

have been close friends for many years.

Hey, you've been selling him those cameras?

Not quite. No. However...

We have known each other long time.

We met one night on a beautiful

tropical island.

I never forget. Beautiful place.

Warm breeze. Palm trees swaying.

Come on, Unger, we're pulling out.

This place is crawling with Nips.

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up.

I'm just tidying up a little.

Yippaaah! Ah... what?!

You startled me for a minute. I'm the only one here.

Everybody else is gone. Who you?

Unger, Felix, Second Lieutenant, 01650295.

Why you here? Where others?

According to the articles of war,

I don't have to tell you anything more.

This article of war

want to know why you here alone?

Well, I was policing up the area.

And I think you fellas ought to do the same.

We passed through one of your base camps a week ago.

The place was a mess.

Remember, this is not our island.

We're only guests here.

You shut mouth. Water?

No, vichyssoise.

Vichy what?

Vichyssoise.

It's a cold potato soup sprinkled with leeks.

Believe me, it was no easy job

to find leeks on this isl...

May I remind you that it's a serious breach

of regulations to confiscate personal property...

You're supposed to sip it slowly.

It's good, isn't it, huh?

I have not eaten in week.

I have been "rost."

Lost?

"Rost."

They told us this place was just infested with Nips...

uh, with... you people.

Don't believe everything you hear.

They told me I'd be making love to Betty Grable

on White House lawn by Christmas.

Food in here?

No, no. That's just garbage. Leave it alone, no.

I've got some food here. I've got a fish,

I've got some vegetables. Ah, you give me.

If you'll be patient, I'll fix you something.

Hayako! Fast!

I can't cook with a gun pointing at me.

Why don't you sit down like a nice guy and relax?

How'd you get lost?

I was a Kamikaze pilot. Uh-huh.

I got nervous and make a safe landing.

Why didn't you go back?

They only gave me one-way map.

Maybe you can be my prisoner and come with us.

Yeah, maybe.

First, I see how I like your cooking.

You will.

Tell me, are all Americans like you?

No. I'm especially nice.

I feel it's important to present America in a good light

to all our neighbors, friendly and other wise.

Are you with the Red Cross?

No. Are they here, too?

I've seen a lot of half eaten

doughnuts around.

How do you like your fish?

Raw. Don't be silly.

You'll like it the way I cook it.

No, I like raw.

That's a good way to catch hepatitis.

I want raw.

Absolutely not. I'm the host.

I have gun.

I have the fish.

You give me raw...

And that is the first time in my life

I ever ate cooked fish.

Did you get hepatitis?

No. See, he was right again.

We have been friends ever since.

Look, Mr. Yamada, I'm gonna level with you.

I know that you're honest

and you're sincere and honorable,

but I had other plans for my money.

Huh? Yeah, I want to buy a fantastic car.

A '58 Maserati. I know where I can get one for four grand.

I would like to invite you

to the back to my parking lot.

Why? What's there? A brand new Maserati.

This year's model. Which I buy from the profits

in this business. Now you're making a lot of sense.

Ah, Yamada-san.

You see these four? Mm-hmm.

Steadies. Twice a week.

Live ones, huh?

Hey, that's nice. Yamada-san, excuse me.

Felix, I owe you an apology.

I may owe you one.

Yamada-san, may I speak to you please

about the condition of your kitchen?

Of course. What could be the problem?

Come with me, please. Did you see his new Maserati?

If it's on the floor of the kitchen, I've seen it.

Oh, boy.

Ah... you entertainment?

No, my foot went to sleep.

Look at this! There's food everywhere.

There's meat, fish on the floor,

on the table, everywhere.

But it is dinnertime, it's busy in here.

We'll clean everything up.

It's not the cleanliness factor,

it's the way the old man cooks. Ah...

This is Cho San, one of the best.

Cho San, meet Mr. Unger.

Hello, how are you?

I am fine.

He is from Stanford.

Can't you tell him not to waste so much food?

But this is the way we make Harusame soup.

It's our biggest seller.

Look at this! 20 percent of the food

goes on the floor. This is waste.

Go slowly.

Put everything in the pot neatly.

He cannot understand you, Mr. Unger.

Then I'll speak to him in his own language.

What'd he say?

He say, "You take this whole kitchen and..."

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

But he's quitting. He's leaving.

Good. Let him go.

We'll get another cook tomorrow. Tonight you'll cook.

Oh, no, I cannot cook.

I could not cook on Guadalcanal.

I have not improved since. Hey, what's going on?

The old man's out there choking a chicken!

It's nothing to get excited about.

Nothing at all to get excited about.

I'll cook tonight.

Send the waiter in, I'll give him his orders.

No, no, he is gone.

He is nephew of the old man.

They are both gone, I'm sure.

Felix, what are you doing to my investment? They both quit?

Don't worry about it. I'll cook tonight.

You two will work as waiters.

Ha! You make mistake.

I am not waiter here. I am boss here.

As Kurosawa say,

"You make sleeping place, now lay in it."

Felix, he's right.

For a silent partner, you've got a big mouth.

He's a very stubborn man.

Sir, make up with him. You're old friends.

Go ahead.

I am now silent partner.

Don't be a bad bird.

If, as they say, we are what we eat,

then your friend is a meatball.

Did you hear what he said?

Nothing to worry about.

Nothing. Everything's going to be fine.

It better.

Chicken who invest friend's money

and lose it, get "prucked"!

Where's Ito?

Oh, I'm replacing him tonight.

Don't worry about anything.

Everything is going to be just as good as it always was.

Don't worry. Am I not authentic?

No, but you dangerous.

Haso.

Haso. Haso.

Haso. Hot, hot, hot!

Oh! Watch me.

Haso. Haso.

How's everything going? Everything's going fine.

I'm making ooona. I need some shrimp,

some crab and some bamboo shoots.

What are you doing with those knives?

They're big! They want authentic food,

they're going to get it.

Felix, can't you do that with wooden spoons?

Hey, this is great. What is that?

Eel.

Listen, where's the shrimp, the crab

and the bamboo shoots?

And the first aid kit?

It's okay, it's all right. Keep calm.

It's just an accident. Just an accident.

It could happen to anybody.

It was the soy oil on my hands.

We'll pay for your purse, madam.

Sit down. Sit down. It's coming along now.

I'm getting the hang of it. It's coming nicely...

What happened? What happened? Nothing.

Nothing at all! Everything is working out beautifully.

I'm getting the hang of it now. Hey, wait'll you see

who I got to help us. Come on in.

Tokyo Nose.

Ah, Cho San.

I talk to you later. Come on now,

you've got to help us. You've got to go in and stop him.

He threw a knife in the wall. He cut a woman's purse.

I'm telling you, if you don't stop him,

you're gonna see the first stainless steel samurai.

Come on, he can't cook those dishes.

He make me lose face.

Well, if you don't help him, you're gonna lose shirt!

It's good, huh? Everything's fine now.

Felix, do you see the smoke?

Uh-huh, can you smell it?

They can smell it in Japan.

That's part of the meal.

What do you serve for dessert, a fire extinguisher?

This is good. This is good.

Where's Murray? I need some sesame oil.

Murray. Murray, quick!

I need some sesame oil. Hurry, run.

Sesame oil. Murray!

Murray! Yeah?

These aren't bean sprouts, those are pea pods.

I need bean sprouts. Yeah, and hurry. Yeah.

And really hurry up. Murray! What? What?!

You only brought me three eggs, I need six eggs.

Three eggs, six eggs, right.

You did it again. You had to go being a show-off.

Well, I don't think it was my food that made them leave.

Well, you threw the knife in the wall, that's what did it!

I'm not the one who went through the door.

Let's put it this way: they had no reason to stay.

Air conditioning.

Knife hole in the wall, nice decoration.

Charcoaled eel.

No more customers,

which is okay because I no longer have any help.

That's a nice balance.

You finally got even for Pearl Harbor.

Is there any way we can make it up to you?

We're sorry. It was an accident.

Look, we'll send you a check.

No, no. I'll send you a check.

Oh, no, no. We wouldn't think

of accepting payment for tonight's work.

Felix, I don't think he'd insist on that.

No, I meant I send you a check

to release you from your obligations as partners.

I think I will get a real silent partner.

Maybe Howard Hughes.

Yamada-san,

is this going to affect our friendship?

Oh, not at all. Our friendship is ended.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

It was an accident. We'll leave.

We won't bother you anymore. Terribly sorry.

I'm sorry, Yamada. You know how I...

Before we leave, there's one thing I did want to say to you.

These lanterns...

these are not Japanese lanterns.

These are Chinese.

Felix?

What're you doing? Nothing. Nothing.

You caught me again, didn't you?

What? Doing what?

Stealing your money.

Go to sleep. Go back to sleep.

Harry?

In two years am I going to have a bet for you.