Original subtitles

I don't know what it is, Oscar, but there's a different

kind of feeling about this place tonight.

The difference is, Felix isn't here.

It's an anxiety-free poker game.

How long's he gonna be gone?

One week... one delicious week of pizza, enchiladas

and the marvelous taste

of cardboard cartons.

I knocked over my drink.

So? Don't worry about it. He's not here.

Look, we'll put in, we'll make mud pies.

Here.

How'd these coasters get on the table?

Felix isn't here.

Tonight, we live, live, live.

I can't live, live, live

unless you bet, bet, bet, huh?

Hey, do me a favor and smoke toward New Jersey, will you?

Here, I'm out.

Hello.

No, he's not. He's in Acapulco.

About a week.

Any message?

Sure.

Yeah, well, if he calls, I'll tell him.

Okay, bye-bye.

Who was that?

It was the director of Sunshine City for Senior Citizens.

Oh, what did they want you to cover,

the shuffleboard tournament?

Very funny. No.

Felix's grandfather and grandmother had a fight,

they split up, the old man took off.

Imagine that. They been married over 50 years.

50 years...

Gee, I wonder what happened.

Maybe one of them got a new pair of glasses.

Think I ought to call Felix in Acapulco and tell him?

Nah, I wouldn't bother him.

I mean, where's an old guy like that gonna go?

He probably went down to one of these massage parlors.

He'll be back in 20 minutes.

Hey, maybe that's Felix.

Bite your tongue.

Hello, son.

Little Felix here?

No, he's not, he's not...

You must be Grandpa Unger! That's right.

Well, come on in, sir, come on in.

Are you sure it's all right?

Of course it's all right.

Give me your bag. I'm glad you're all right.

Hey, Felix's grandfather came here.

How are you? Hi, Grandpa.

I wouldn't want to be any trouble to anybody.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Felix Unger.

Yeah, Unger.

U-N-G-E-R.

Salay la casa?

Hey, Oscar, that means he went out.

Thanks, Pancho.

Well, operator, leave word, will you, for him to call back?

My name is Madison, yeah.

Tell him to call his casa here when he gets back. Right.

How about that?

I got an 80-year-old runaway.

Felix is out salaying his casa.

I thought this was gonna be a fun week.

Ah, maybe he won't stay long.

What'd you think he had

in those two big suitcases, denture powder?

Hey, Oscar, remember when Felix showed up here the night

his wife kicked him out, how depressed he was, you remember?

Yeah, he even tried to kill himself.

Come on, fellas, don't remind me.

I don't want to have to go through that again.

Here I am, boys, ready for action.

Oh, hi, Grandpa! Hi!

You look good.

Changed into my comfies.

Ah, yeah.

I feel like a young man in a bachelor pad.

With all the young bucks.

Well, I'll bet two dollars on this. Let's go.

Cost you two dollars. Well, let's see what you got.

Well, unless something's running wild,

those three aces are gonna be hard to beat.

I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out.

Your trouble is, you don't have a poker face.

I'll work on it.

Ah, this brings back memories.

After 57 years, I'm a free man.

I should have done this years ago.

Whoo!

Smoke, smoke, it's terrible.

Don't know how you stand it.

Would you ante up? My first shot at a good pot...

Come on, ante up.

There you are.

Best stuff.

Say, you mind if I sit in?

No, no. All right, sit down.

Oh, no, no.

I'll just kibitz, ah.

Okay. There we go.

Ah.

This is mine, huh? Playing for keepsies?

Oh, and take homesies, tax freesies.

Well, it's awful nice of you fellas to...

Watch your drink, son.

You already got a great big stain there.

Boy, I'm having a ball.

Up to me?

I bet two dollars again.

Okay. Let's see what you got.

What?

Yeah.

Three queens.

Oh, I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out.

Why are you crying?

I had a queen.

A real queen.

And she threw me out.

Uh, excuse me, boys, I...

I-I want to be by myself.

I'm gonna have to live through it again.

Hi, Gramp.

Game broke up. I saw your light on.

Yeah.

Oh, packing to go home, huh?

Well, I think it's the sensible thing to do.

No, I'm unpacking to stay.

I've got no place to go.

My Mimi threw me out.

Tossed me aside like the wrapper

on a fudge bar.

It can't be that serious.

Why did she throw you out?

Jealousy.

You were fooling around?

No, I was jealous of her.

Nobody'd fool around with me.

But her...

They voted her Miss Needlepoint.

And her entry was rotten.

It had a house with a crooked chimney.

But she winked at the judge,

and they gave her the prize.

Maybe she just had something in her eye.

You tell me that, and I'll tell you another.

What about her and the golf pro?

You have a golf course down there?

Two holes.

What'd he look like?

He was a real slick operator.

Spitting image of Lawrence Welk.

Hey...

Don't sit on the bed.

You'll mess the spread.

Well, tell me about the golf pro.

Well, last night, she didn't come home

from the tournament till almost 9:00.

Said he gave her a lift in his cart, and it ran out of current.

I accused her of adultery.

On a golf cart?

She threw me out.

Said I was a paranoid, jealous lunatic.

Now she's exaggerating.

No, she isn't.

Well, look, I mean, it sounds like

a simple case of misunderstanding.

Why don't you call her?

Why don't you call her right now?

No.

She doesn't want me.

Then I'll call her.

She doesn't want you, either.

Tonight's bingo night.

I'm glad I'm not there to see that.

See what? Beans.

Did you say "beans"?

Beans.

They move her bingo beans for her.

How'd you like to sit there

and watch four guys move your wife's beans around?

Huh.

Hang this up.

Beans, golf pro.

Believe me, Grandpa, one good night's sleep,

you're gonna forget about the whole thing.

You'll want to go back to her.

You sound as if you want to get rid of me, too.

No, no, stay as long as you want. Oh.

Listen, I did have some special plans for this week, but...

Can't you make believe I'm not here?

I-I won't bother anybody.

Oh, I'm sure you won't.

Okay. Oscar... Yeah?

You seem like a peppy sort, full of life.

Don't let me bring you down.

Okay, Grandpa. Good night.

Good night.

I'm telling you, Murray, you don't know what it's like

living with a depressed, old man for three days.

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.

Well, look, tonight we'll all be over for the big poker game.

That ought to cheer you up.

Forgot to tell you, there isn't any poker game tonight.

Why? Because of Grandpa.

9:30, he goes to bed.

At 10:00, you can't use the bathroom,

because he needs it every ten minutes.

Smoke bothers him, if you make any noise, it wakes him up,

he comes out, joins the game and announces my cards.

Okay, we'll have the game at my house.

All you guys come over.

Are you kidding? I can't.

I'm afraid to leave him alone.

All he does is sit there and cry.

It's like living with Johnnie Ray.

If he's not crying, he's cleaning.

You think Felix was neat?

I'm living with his guru.

There he is...

Look at him.

The gray tornado.

Hi.

It's the cops.

Have they come for me?

It's not a cop, it's Murray.

You remember, from the poker game?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't recognize your face.

You didn't recognize that face?

Yeah, you're the fellow with the high cheekbones, aren't you?

Well, just enjoy yourselves, fellas.

Don't pay any attention to me.

Try to eat over the table; I just vacuumed the rug.

There we are.

You're a nice boy.

There you are, Oscar.

Need a napkin.

Let me see.

There, look at that.

I'll just finish up in here,

and then I'll clean the storage room.

What storage room?

Room across the hall from mine.

Full of all kinds of junk.

Germs you've never seen.

No, no, that's my bedroom, Grandpa.

Oh, well, well,

I'll-I'll have it all spic and span before you can...

Oh, no, no, no, I can't allow you to go in there.

You don't know your way around, you can get hurt.

Gee, I... I would consider it a challenge.

I'm sorry, I can't let you go. Even Felix can't go in there.

I'm sorry, I must be adamant about that.

I believe I can No, Grandpa, you can't.

Do it justice, I... No, sir.

Please? No, I say please. No.

What's the matter now?

Cleaning is my therapy.

It's all I have left.

Guess I'll go drown my sorrows in detergent.

He came all the way from Sunshine City

to rain on my parade.

This is my grandson, Felix.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's a regular down here, isn't he? Yeah.

I'm sacking out up at his place.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I want you to see my Army discharge.

It's signed by Pershing himself.

Oh, Black Jack Pershing!

Yeah.

They don't make them like that anymore. Oh, no.

Ah... that's all she wrote.

Well, Albert, it seems to me like you've had a rich,

full life, and got a wonderful family.

Yeah. All except for my butterflying wife...

who kicked me out in the street.

Are you sure that she got frisky with that golf pro?

Yeah. He's also recreation director down there,

and I know his recreation.

Riding my Mimi in a cart.

Well, maybe she should have just turned him down.

She claims you turn down one of those babies and...

No more badminton.

Do those old folks play badminton down there?

Well, it's not a very rough game.

We play 40 on a side.

We just do it to raise a little breeze.

May I? Oh, thank you so much.

Well, I personally like a jealous man.

You do? Mm-hmm.

Better than my Morrie. God rest his soul.

My Morrie was a drinker. Oh.

I'd rather have them green-eyed than pie-eyed.

Yes sir, I'll take a jealous man anytime.

You know, I think it shows character.

You know something, Loretta?

I like you. You cheer me up.

Oh, I like you, too, Albert.

Oh, since we're getting along so nicely,

shall we fluff and fold together? I'd adore it.

Do something!

Gin!

How many points you got? Six.

Six?! Six, six, six!

What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

One, two... what am I, on Sesame Street? Six!

Well, that gives me two more boxes,

and that's a Schneider, Oscar.

Deal, Schneider, deal, deal.

You know... I had a great uncle once. Yeah?

Yeah, 90 years old. Grey all over.

All except his hair.

You're a great raconteur, you know that, Murray?

And after this treat,

I got gloomy Grandpa to look forward to.

Hey, boys! Whoopee!

What does that mean?

I've got great news.

You're leaving, going back to your wife. When?

Better than that. I've got me a date for tonight.

A date? She lives right in this building.

Her name is Loretta Spoon.

What a knockout! She's built!

And hears every word you say!

Hey... listen, if you got a date,

then we can play poker tonight, huh?

You can play all night, as far as I'm concerned.

I've got me a date. I may get lucky.

Mr. Madison? Yes?

I'm Loretta Spoon.

Loretta Spoon! Come in, Loretta Spoon!

You're always welcome in our house, Loretta Spoon!

You, your whole gang sure is fast.

That's because we love you.

I'll tell Grandpa his date is here.

Oh, no, wait a minute, M-Mr. Madison. Uh... excuse me.

I-I was afraid he might misunderstand.

We don't have a date tonight.

You see, we...

we fluffed and we folded and...

But he's... he's been in his room dressing all day.

I mean... well, couldn't you go out with him just for tonight?

No, I'm sorry. You see,

I have a steady gentleman friend.

Maybe I should have mentioned that.

Ah, I hope you don't think I'm leading your roommate on.

Roommate... oh, he's not my roommate.

Well, you'll tell him...

that I am very proud to know a man who served

under Black Jack Pershing.

And you tell him I'm sorry I can't go out on the date.

Oh, I... I hope I didn't ruin anybody's plans.

I'm really not a tease.

Grandpa... Hi, Osc.

You want some Bay Rum?

From what bay?

I've saved this since my honeymoon.

I was a rascal then and I'm gonna be a rascal again.

'Cause Bay Rum turns me on.

I wanted to talk to you about that date tonight.

I don't really think you ought to go.

Why not? I'm of legal age.

Enough for four men.

Oh, I've got a kick full of simoolians

and I'm going to blow it!

Yeah, but I mean, you're a married man.

Do you think it's the right thing to do?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to waltz Loretta right down to Sunshine City

and show Mimi I've still got my charisma!

I have s... some good news for you and some bad news. Yeah?

You haven't lost your charisma. I mean, you've got that.

But you don't have a date, either.

What?

Well, Loretta was just here, and...

Well, she said she was being nice to cheer you up.

It's nothing against you, it's just that she has a steady boyfriend.

The elevator man. What?

It's the elevator man. They can't fool me.

Every time I looked up, they were exchanging glances.

Oh, now, look... Don't get jealous.

It has nothing to do with you.

The fellows will be over any minute.

Why don't you come out and play poker with us, huh? No.

Look, I won't deal you any queens.

I'll stay in here and...

clean up a little, take a couple of showers.

Life goes on.

You've already taken three showers. You're going to shrivel up.

I want to be alone, Oscar. Just...

You're sure you'll be all right? I'm fine, fine.

Okay.

I knew it.

I was thrown over again.

That's twice in one century.

Murray, why don't you sit down when you're dealing, huh?

Because I can't see over all these chips.

I may have to borrow something from Oscar to take them home in.

Why don't you use your nose?

Telephone!

Hello? Yeah.

Murray, you.

Ah, excuse me, gentlemen.

Hey, no matter who it is, you're not leaving this room.

Thank you, Oscar.

Eeeyello!

Mm-hmm!

What? Yeah, r-right away.

Hey, guys, I've got to leave the game.

You're not leaving here, Murray!

I got to go. This is my sergeant.

There's a leaper in the neighborhood.

A leaper? What's a leaper?

That's a suicide jumper!

Sarge, what's the address?

Uh-huh.

Oscar, where's 1049 Park Avenue?

This is 1049 Park Avenue!

What floor, Sarge?

The 11th floor. 11th... This is the 11th floor.

All right, come on, stand back! No, Grandpa!

Ooh, what? He's out there?

Oscar, let me handle this!

Look, at the police academy I got an "A" in leapers.

What are you going to say to him? Don't worry!

I'll just say, "Grandpa, don't jump.

"Think of all the people who love you.

Think of your wife in Sunshine City."

Dumbo! That's why he's jumping. I'll do it.

Don't jump, Grandpa.

Oscar... help me...

Don't jump! I don't want to jump.

I want to come in.

Well, come on in, then.

I can't. Why not?

I can't move. I'm petrified! All right...

I'm cold. All right... wait.

I'll come and get you. I'll come and get you.

Easy, Oscar.

- Don't look down! - Now he tells me.

Easy, Oscar.

Looking up ain't much of a bargain, either. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Don't lean back against the building.

It's dirty.

Don't!

Okay... Easy... easy.

Okay...

I got you. Let him go!

Okay... grab it! Grab it! Grab it!

Grab it, grab it, grab it! Attaboy, grab it, grab it!

Got him?

I'm glad you're not drowning.

Here... give me your hand, Oscar.

Okay, good, we're okay. Easy.

Easy. Get him, get him, get him!

Get him, get him, that a boy.

Get him, get him.

Easy, easy! Easy!

Watch your head! Watch your head.

There we got you, Grampie! Yes!

Yeah, you're all right...

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here, will ya?

Why are you so sad?

I called your wife. She'll be here any minute.

You know that's what you want.

Don't sit there like Willie Loman. It's all arranged.

It won't work.

As soon as I see her, I'll ruin it. I know it.

Why? Because of my insane jealousy.

As soon as I see her, I run amok. I'm an animal!

Well, that's ridiculous. You're not too old to change.

Ah... You know what we're going to do, Grandpa?

What? We're gonna rehearse.

I'm going to be Mimi. You be you.

We'll see what you say when I come in, okay?

You'll be Mimi? Yeah.

Heh, heh, heh... Don't laugh.

Just use your imagination. We're going to pretend.

I want to see if we can correct the wrong things, okay?

I'm Mimi. Right? All right.

Okay. Here we go. Right.

Okay. I ring the bell and I'm in.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi. Why'd you wear that dress?

You know I hate it.

What dress?

The brown print with the plunging neckline.

I'm wearing a brown print with a plunging neckline?

Well, what do you call it? No, you... you're imagining too good.

Look, look, I'm Mimi and I'm not wearing anything.

Okay... No, forget it.

I'm wearing a dress that you like.

Well, I like the blue dress... Oh, forget the dress!

But she won't wear it. We don't have much time. She's gonna be here soon.

Come on, let's try it again, all right?

All right... ring, and I'm in.

Hello, Albert. So nice to see you.

I haven't slept since you left.

Hah-hah... you haven't shaved, either.

Are you going to cut it out?

Now, come on. Let's try one more time. Now stop it!

Okay... yes... Come on. Here we go.

Yes. Ring and I'm in.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

When Oscar called me, I came right over.

I caught the first bus.

Did you try to pick up the bus driver, as usual?

Wink in his rearview mirror? I know your style!

I know your style! Why are you attacking like that?

Oh, no. I know.

Listen, wait a minute. I want to show you...

You be Mimi. I'll be you. Jealousy...

I'll show you what you should do.

I'll be Mimi? You be Mimi, yes. Okay, you got it?

I got it. Okay.

Don't bother to go up the stairs. We don't have that much time.

All right... ready.

Here I am. Hello.

Hello, Mimi. You look lovely.

Hello, Albert.

Sorry I wore the brown print. I know you don't...

I threw myself into the part.

Forget that, will you? Listen...

I'm awfully sorry, Mimi, that I have been jealous.

I know I have no right to be jealous

and I shouldn't be jealous. I know I can trust you.

No, you have every right to be jealous.

The minute your back was turned I've been throwing myself

at every man in Sunshine City.

I'm no good. You shouldn't trust me. I'm rotten!

Is that what she would say? No, I say that!

Yeah, but who are you when you say that?

Are you Mimi or are you Albert? I don't understand...

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

See? I told you she'd wear the brown print.

Oh, but look. I pinned it up. See? Does it look better?

Yes.

How'd the bingo game go last night?

Oh... I won.

Of course you won. How much help did you get from your admirers?

I'm sorry.

I'm only jealous because you're so beautiful.

Can you forgive me?

Oh, Albert.

Well, I tell you. It's great to go away from home,

and it's great to come back home.

Playing gin, huh?

Let's see what you got.

Huh... you could gin if you had a four.

I knock with a four.