Original subtitles

Oscar, I'm home.

I'm working.

Hi.

I picked up some Danish at the Jewish bakery.

Has there been a parade?

Did the window washer come?

Yeah. Felix, I'm kind of loaded down with deadlines,

Okay. so try to leave me alone, will you?

Did he do a good job?

The prices we're paying these days,

every window should be sparkling like...

Oscar, look at that! What now?!

Look at that smudge! They're terrible!

It's just as bad as before!

So? We're on the eleventh floor.

Who's going to see? The flying nun?

Did you inspect his work?

No. He stayed on his side of the window, I stayed on mine.

He didn't inspect me, either.

You'd be satisfied living in a dungeon!

You may be happy looking out filthy windows. I'm not!

Close the drapes. I'm busy, will you?

He saw that you didn't care, so he did a sloppy job.

Not as sloppy as I'm doing. I'm getting out of here.

Go ahead. Go. 50 pound typewriter.

Should be used to your indifference by now.

Do you know there's ketchup on the windowsill?

No, but if you hum a few bars, maybe I'll remember it.

Go on, get out of here.

Let Felix do the dirty work. He's used to it.

I'm ashamed of the neighbors with windows like this.

Ah! Ha-ha!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked

to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

But he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Eh-heh-heh!

Heh-heh!

Eh-heh-heh! What are you doing, Felix?

Cleaning the windows in the downstairs apartment?

Oscar! Oscar! Felix!

Help me! Ooh! Save me!

Give me your hand! Give me your hand!

Oh!

Watch your head. Eh-heh-heh!

I've got you! I've got you! Eh-ha!

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're all right.

Oh! Oh! Oh, no! Let go

Let go. You're all right. Let go.

You're all right.

Oh, oh, Oscar!

Oh, you saved my life! What were you doing?

Oh, I was reaching for a smudge on the windowpane.

You could have been a smudge on the sidewalk!

Oh, Oscar, I thought I was a goner.

You know something? What?

My whole life passed before me.

I remembered where I lost my skate key.

Your skate key?

When I was 11 years old, I lost my roller skate key.

My father was so mad at me.

But when I was hanging out there,

I remembered where I put it... Under the icebox pan.

I'll bet it's still there.

Good, we'll go to Toledo. I'll take a look.

Look, I gotta go back.. Oscar, please, please. I'm so cold!

Maybe I need a little drink, huh?

All right, all right. You're all right.

Oh, Oscar.

It's a terrible thing to be so close to death.

Suddenly you're face to face with the grim reaper.

Let me tell you, kiddo, I'm shaken.

Here. Un-shake. Drink this. Here.

I remembered... remembered my first girlfriend in school.

Big Bertha, we called her.

She used to chase me home with a stick.

I remembered... my best friend in the first grade.

His name was Orville Krueger.

He had a strange shaped head.

His mother used to let out one side of his hat.

Will you forget about Big Bertha and your lopsided friends?

I got to go to work... Oscar, I'm cold. I'm just cold.

- Oh... come on. - Oh, Oscar!

What? Here. If it hadn't been for you,

it would have been bye-bye Unger!

Yeah. Bye-bye, Unger. I got to go to work...

No, Oscar... I'll never forget you for this, never.

I owe you my life. I'll pay you back.

You want to pay me back?

Pass out, will you, so I can go back to work!

Take this, will you? Yeah, yeah, okay.

Maybe I'll get a little nap. Right.

I'll forget the horror I've been through. Yeah.

Oh... It'll be all right. Everything will work out.

Oh, Oscar... will you do me a favor?

Anything, just what do you want?

Wipe the ketchup off the windowsill.

What are you doing? I just want coffee.

No, no, no, no, no.

Coffee is not enough for a hero.

I've prepared a special breakfast for you.

I don't want any breakfast... Eggs Benedict!

I don't have time for eggs Benedict.

Then just have an egg Ben.

Come on, will you, Felix? Still on the grateful kick?

Cut it out, will you? You'll make me very fat.

Oscar...

when one man has saved another man's life,

gratitude, believe me, comes easily.

Yeah. Now I have a surprise for you.

What? Here's something I prepared last night.

I'll put it in my new wallet.

What did you do that for?

It's just a tribute to you.

My humble way of showing my gratitude to a great guy.

And that's not all. Wait.

More? Yes.

What do you have in there?

What could you do this... Music with your breakfast!

Your favorite tune.

It's "Home on the Range."

♪ ♪

Yes, Mr. Unger, I'm spraying right now.

Yes.

Pine...

Pine Wood, yes.

Mr. Unger, everything is just the way you wanted it, see?

You can't see. Trust me.

Yes, I'm standing up straight.

Mr. Unger, I am not slumping.

He's coming. Good-bye.

Good morning, Myrna. Good morning, Mr. Madison.

Did I ever tell you you are beautiful?

No, nobody has.

What do they know? You're a sight for sore eye...

What are you smelling? What are you using?

Pine perfume? Yes.

You smell like a log cabin.

But I'm still happy to be here, away from that pest.

What pest? My roommate.

I love you, I love my office, I love my desk...

What happened to my desk?

Nice, huh? What do you mean, nice?

It's all cleaned and there's flowers there.

What is it, a desk or a park?

Well, it was so cluttered, and you couldn't find anything,

so... Now, I can't find anything!

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Where'd you put my cigars? In the top left drawer.

Top left drawer's locked where my cigars are.

Why is it locked where my cigars are? I need a cigar.

Try one of these instead.

Does Fidel Castro smoke a carrot?

Myrna, this in ridiculous. Now, what's going on?

Well, that's what I told him. Told who? Who did you tell?

You told who? Nobody.

Talk, honey, talk! No, please.

You better talk.

Remember, you still have folks up in the Bronx.

Come on, Felix... Felix reached you, didn't he?

It was Felix, wasn't it? Tell the truth! It was Felix!

Yes, yes! Mr. Unger made me do it

and he made me promise not to tell you

and I told you and I'm sorry and I can't keep a secret!

You see, Myrna? There's no place to hide.

You're the best secretary I ever had.

Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.

Now he's ruined you.

Now, don't feel too bad. He's ruined me, too.

But he said you saved his life.

Yeah, and for that he's trying to kill me.

Where's the stuff you took from my desk?

I put it in a box. Yeah, well, bring it here, will you?

But... Bring it, will you?!

I'm not going to let him beat me with those eggs Benedict

and that saxophone, that cockamamie picture

with the "thanks" on it!

Now let's get back to the way things were.

What is that? What is that?

Slump!

May I come in?

What is it, Felix?

I... I wanted to apologize to you. For what?

Well, for being silly.

That playing the sax sort of thing.

That has no lasting value, so I... Yeah, I'll buy that.

You're putting me down, aren't you? That's very funny...

No, I didn't mean to put you down... No, no, no. That's all right.

Put me down. Anything you want.

I want you to put me down.

No, what do you want, Felix? I mean it sincerely.

I want you to put me down anytime you...

Felix, tell me what you want or I'll put you down with this!

I'm sorry. I...

I guess I'm an awful pain in the neck

to you sometimes.

Well, anyway, I...

I realized that playing the sax was...

It falls so far short

of any kind of decent tribute to you that I...

What is it? Look at it.

What I want to do...

is buy time on a local radio station and have this taped

so that people everywhere will know

what kind of guy you really are.

"The following is a commercial announcement for Oscar Madison."

♪ "O" is for the oldest friend I know ♪

♪ "S" is for the way he saved my life ♪

♪ "C" stands for courage and... ♪

♪ "A" is the alertness that he showed ♪

♪ "R" means risk and he took a big one ♪

♪ "M-A-D" is what he gets at me ♪

♪ But I... ♪

♪ Feel like a "S-O-N" to him ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ That's Oscar Madison ♪

♪ He's big daddy... ♪

♪ To us all! ♪

I understand your problem, Oscar,

but what, what can I do?

Well, there must be some legal recourse.

He's a public nuisance.

Give me protection! Oscar,

it's not a crime to do things for people.

Now, should he commit a crime,

I'd be happy to arrest him for it. Yeah?

Will you look the other way if I kill him?

Oscar, I'm a policeman,

so please don't ask for any favors.

Don't you see I haven't slept since that night?

He comes into my room every hour on the hour

to see if I'm all right.

He feels my forehead, he takes my pulse.

Aw, gee, that's swell.

It ain't swell!

If I wanted to live with my grandmother,

I'd move to Poughkeepsie.

Oscar, I'm home!

My luck, so am I.

Murray!

Hi! Hi, Felix.

What a pleasant surprise.

You staying for dinner?

Well, I'd love to, but I can't.

What are we having?

Wiener schnitzel, for a wonderful man.

Gee, I wish I could speak another language.

Oscar...

I forgot to tell you what I did for you today.

What? I can hardly wait.

I've arranged for you

to save a fortune in alimony payments. How?

I spoke to the Internal Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue?

They're going over your tax returns

for a new alimony settlement.

You don't mean the Internal Revenue?

Yes, yes, starting tomorrow,

they're going to pull all your tax returns

for the past five years.

I'll bet they find plenty.

Tell me you didn't do it, Felix,

tell me it's a joke!

I did! I did!

I'll bet I save you a thousand dollars a year at least.

Felix, they're going to kill me!

You know how I keep books.

I'll go over everything first.

Relax.

Don't worry.

Just remember.

Somebody right here likes you.

What are we going to do with him?

Lock me, take me away. Oscar! Oscar!

Hold it, hold it, now, hold it!

I got a great idea. What?

You know what?

Turn the tables on him like on the TV show

that I saw last week. How? What?

It was hilarious! What? What happened?

Well, the same thing happened to the star

that happened with you and Felix.

Now, you know what he did? What?

First he pretended

like his life needed saving, you see?

Mm-hmm. Then when the other joker saved his life,

that evened the score. Funny, huh?

What do you mean, funny? That makes a lot of sense.

Tell me how he did it. How'd he do it?

Well, he choked on a chicken bone.

Osc!

Osc! Yeah, Feel?

Soup's on.

Be right there.

♪ Nights are long since you been away ♪

♪ I think about you all through the day ♪

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ My buddy... ♪

♪ My buddy... saved my life! ♪

Sir! Here's the place of honor!

The place of honor is changed.

You honor any place you sit.

The wake is over.

No candles? No candles.

Listen, I am so grateful to you

for calling me up and telling me you wanted chicken.

Because there's so many things I want

to do for you but...

I don't know where to start.

And this way you help me... Not that you have to.

Cause anything you want, anything...

no matter how wild, no matter how far out.

If you want it, ask for it, buddy, you got it!

Shut up.

Where's the chicken?

Felix, where's the chicken?

Speak, only if you're going to tell me where the chicken is.

The chicken is in the pot.

Get it, cause you're in my ulcer.

What's this sudden urge for chicken all of a...

I don't know.

I just had a yen for it.

I never knew you to eat chicken

that didn't come in a bucket. Oh,

I like that man's face.

I trust it, but tonight,

I just wanted home cooked chicken.

Forget the reason.

Oscar Madison, you asked for it!

What kind of chicken is that?

Chicken Cartarelli.

I just wanted plain chicken.

Plain chicken is for a plain man.

You're far from a plain man, Oscar.

You inspired this.

I think it's the best I ever made.

Yeah? Well, let me have it. Yeah.

Try it.

If you like it, nod.

Osc! Hey!

What's the matter?

I'm choking on a bone.

No, no, that's impossible.

What's impossible? Choking to death!

No... it's boneless chicken.

No bones? No bones.

How did it walk?

Oscar, could you see who that is?

Yeah, I'll see who...

I wonder who's calling this time of the night.

I can't imagine who it could be.

Yes, sir, ah, so, Japanese,

what are you Japanese, what are you doing here?

I'll break your butt! Don't throw that in here!

Felix! Come here!

Oh, my God.

What? Look, what he threw in there!

Japanese threw a hand grenade!

A hand grenade! Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh. Don't do that!

Run!

You saved my life! Save yourself!

Save yourself! Oh!

You saved my life. We're even! What's the matter?

What is it?

What?

What is it?

Must be a dud.

Well, it was very brave of you anyway,

and now we're even.

Felix, you shouldn't have done it.

You could have been killed.

Not very likely.

It's a lighter.

One of the kids from the building must have been

pulling a prank on you.

Yeah, but you didn't know that.

You did it anyway.

You could have saved my life.

But I didn't.

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ My buddy... ♪

I'm still his buddy.

Bedtime, pal.

Oh, I think I'll just stay out here

and read a little bit.

You know what's going to happen, don't you?

You're going to fall asleep.

You're going to get your clothes all wrinkled.

Oh, I'm fine, pal.

You know what I'll do?

I'll get up early in the morning and press them for you.

Good night, lifesaver.

Good night, lifesavee.

Oh... oh... Felix!

Felix! What?

Oh, I can't breathe!

Oh, I can't breathe! What's the matter?

What's the matter? I, I can't breathe.

Oscar... Uh, gas.

Gas. Gas?

Oscar! I can't...

I can't...

Oh...

Look at this.

Not enough gas to fry an egg

and he passes out.

I could leave, and nobody would know.

All right, let's go, wise fellow.

I'm telling you, Nancy, if he doesn't cut it out,

they're going to put me away.

He's in my room now shining my shoe trees.

Yeah, I'm still going to give him one more try.

If that doesn't work, I'm going to throw him out.

I'm going to get him to save me the way I saved him.

I can't explain now.

I'll call later. Bye bye, honey.

Hi, Felix.

Hey, Felix, listen, you...

can empty the trash can now.

I finished typing.

Thank you, Oscar.

Yeah, I want to see the Big Dipper.

Cause it's out tonight. I don't want to miss it.

You want me to photograph it for you?

When you come back, it'd be nice. All right.

Gee, you need a new basket, don't you?

I'll buy you a nice wicker one.

Better yet,

I'll take a course and weave you one.

Boy.

Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Oscar?

Help! Help! Oh, trouble!

I'm getting out of here!

Help! Oscar, hey!

What are you doing out there?

I'm doing chin-ups.

Chin-ups? I thought you were Felix.

Did you see him on your way in here? Yeah,

he went down in an apartment down the hall.

Oh, well, he'll be coming back.

Get out of here, will you? Oh, I just came by

to see if the chicken bone thing worked.

No, he made boneless chicken.

Well, it won't work without a bone, Oscar.

Good-bye, Murray.

Go take some graft, will you?

Thanks. Thanks.

Sports writers... all alike.

Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Mr. Madison...

Oh, my luck!

I don't believe it.

What were you doing?

I was practicing for a fire drill. Oh.

Did you see Mr. Unger out there?

No, was I supposed to?

What do you want, Myrna?

I have to pick up another copy

of yesterday's column

cause the printer lost a couple of pages.

So what are you getting undressed for?

Come on, I'll give it to you right away.

Oscar!

Mrs. Johnson just called me in her apartment.

There's a man hanging out the window on this floor!

She couldn't see where it was...

You have a nice room.

Help!

Mr. Madison, there's a person hanging there.

He usually is.

So, you're not going to help... All right, forget it.

Don't ask any questions, Myrna, just go, will you?

The bigger they are, the weirder they are. Help me!

Help me! Oscar, help me!

Felix. Help!

I'll save you under one condition. What?

If I save your life

you'll never thank me for saving your life again.

I promise, Oscar. Okay, come on.

Pull. Pull. Help me. Help me up.

Why don't you get a hand up.

Come on, that's a guy. Try.

There you go. Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. That a boy. Good boy.

There we go. Oh, Oscar.

What? What? Oscar.

I saw the grim reaper again.

And Big Bertha? And Big Bertha.

And lopsided Kruger? Yes.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

I learned something from this experience.

How many times in life do you come face to face

with the ultimate reality?

La Comedia est finit.

I'll tell you frankly,

I've never considered the possibility

of Felix Unger dying.

I have.