Original subtitles

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

Hiya, buddy. Having breakfast?

Oscar!

Tastes good?

Oscar!

What, your sinuses acting up again?

What? What's the matter?

What happened?

Looks like we've been robbed!

Yes!

My color TV is gone! Yes!

My typewriter! Yes.

Did you see them? Mm-mm!

Oh, you did see them!

They took my tape recorder!

All my notes!

Oscar? What?

Get over here!

What is it?

Untie me!

Oh, untie you. I'm sorry!

What happened to you?!

Oh, nothing.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

They even took my Washington Centennial cookbook.

My luck, gourmet robbers.

Let me make sure I got the description

you gave me, Felix.

"Two male Caucasians,

"both about six feet, one had mud on his shoes...

and a tomato stain on his shirt."

The other one needed a haircut.

A haircut.

Oh, Murray, it was so frightening

to walk into your apartment

and see two criminals ransacking the place.

I said to them,

"This is the most outrageous example of anti-social behavior

I have ever seen!

You really said that, Felix?

Oh, absolutely.

You bet I did.

That's when they taped my mouth.

They didn't touch my room.

They took one look and figured someone

had probably beaten them to it.

This thing's sure put you in a bad mood.

Forgive me if I seem to be a killjoy,

but being bound and gagged for nine hours

tends to rob one of his spirit and fun.

Why didn't you wake up?

Didn't you hear me honking there all night long?

You honk every night.

You make every night New Year's Eve.

I must say you've got

a very casual attitude towards this.

Thank you. It isn't easy with you around.

Did you ever?

You know, there was an assault

in this building last month.

Mr. Sweetzer was attacked.

That doesn't count.

He was attacked by Mrs. Sweetzer.

You want to know something?

I'm glad we were robbed

It cuts down our chances on being robbed again

Right, Murray?

It's not true, Oscar.

Lots of places get robbed twice.

You just don't understand the criminal mind.

Yes, I do. I was married to it.

Don't you care about crime

in your own neighborhood?

I care about my color TV and my typewriter.

You may not care if you're killed,

but don't you care at least if I'm killed?

I go back and forth.

Boys, please, let's keep personalities out of this.

Now, do you have a list of all the stolen goods?

Yes, yes. Where is it?

The list, the list... Here.

Now, everything that was stolen that I know of.

Here are the warranties, serial numbers,

date of purchase where known,

slight descriptions of things.

Gee, I have never had so many clues.

It helps with the insurance.

I don't have any insurance.

You don't have insurance, Oscar?

Well, Roy told me to cut down on my expenses,

so I cancelled the policy.

A man who spends $60 a month on potato chips

cuts down on his insurance?

You're impossible!

Hey, look, they even stole my cigars.

That's one thing to be grateful for.

Come on, Felix, Felix, Felix!

Relax, will you!

You, you've just got the "big city jitters".

What with the killing, the shooting,

the stabbings, the spitting...

Spitting?

Lot of jitters.

I'm not the only one, huh?

Gosh, no.

You know, a lot of people are moving out

of these old buildings

into these new maximum-security places.

I guess they've lost their faith in the police.

Are these places reliable?

They must be.

My Captain lives in one.

Oscar, you hear this?

Oh, you're just chicken.

We had a saying in my neighborhood when I was a kid.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of Hell's Kitchen."

I can just see you guys standing around

chuckling over that one in your black leather jackets.

Well, fellas, I got to get downtown

and get cracking on this.

I got a few ideas already.

Murray? Yeah?

You forgot your notebook.

Thanks, Felix.

Murray? Yeah?

You're going to be the only cop

who retires a rookie.

Everybody picks on the men in blue!

What are you doing?

What does it look as though I'm doing?

I'm cleaning up this mess.

Why don't you help me?

I kind of like it this way.

I'm going to work.

How could you go to work

in the midst of a crisis like this?

Because I'm too poor now to take a vacation.

It's people like you

who are turning this city into a jungle.

You're an ostrich!

You bury your head in the sand.

You refuse to...

Very funny!

Oscar.

Oscar, wake up.

Wake up, Oscar,

I've got to talk to you.

Oscar, wake up!

What is it?

What is it? Was it a raid, what?

I'm not mad at you.

What time is it?

3:30.

3:00... You're not mad at me?!

I'm mad at you!

Come on, Oscar, wake up.

Wake up!

I've got to talk to you. Come on!

Somehow, I like this room better in the dark.

So do I, especially when I'm trying to sleep.

Come on! Wake up! Wake up!

I've got to talk to you. Wake up!

I've made an important decision.

You're going to put on a cape,

travel the world by night, poking people awake?

Friends are supposed to protect each other.

I've decided we're moving out of this dangerous neighborhood.

You're really concerned with my welfare, aren't you?

Yes.

Then why do I hate you?

Because you know I'm right.

Felix, at 3:30 in the morning, nobody's right.

I appreciate your concern, but I'm not moving.

I'm going to go look

at one of those maximum- security buildings that...

You're not going to listen to me, huh?

All right.

I'll move in with Gloria till then,

if she'll let me.

Ah, she'll let me for a couple of days.

Aw, come on. Aren't you going to change your mind?

Move with me!

Good night, Felix.

You know, I'm glad it happened in this room.

It makes leaving that much easier.

It's all so funny, isn't it?

Is it gonna be a long funny or a short funny?

Here we are separating quietly

over a simple difference of opinion.

It's gonna be a long funny.

After all the yelling and fighting we've had,

the final parting of the ways is over

a simple philosophical argument.

Fascinating all right, isn't it?

No yelling, no fighting.

As the poet, T.S. Elliot said,

"Not with a bang, but a whimper."

"This is the way the world ends,

"this is the way the world ends,

"this is the way the world ends,

not with a bang, but a whimper."

In an earlier century, Thomas Gray observed:

"The paths of glory...

Get out, Felix! Get out, Felix! The paths of glory..."

Get out of the building!

Get out of the state!

Join the Seabees!

Join T.S. Eliot!

He's dead!

No wonder he's dead!

I keep forgetting Felix isn't here anymore.

Hello.

Hiya, honey. Fine.

Yeah, I borrowed a portable TV.

Yeah, I'm going to do some work on my column.

But best of all, I'm going to make my favorite meal, honey.

Yeah, here it is.

Mama Mia DeLuxe frozen dinner

and Kim Foy's Mandarin Surprise Dinner.

Well, you mix them both together.

Are you kidding, honey?!

You haven't lived till you've tasted chop suey

with marinara sauce.

Yeah, it's great!

What do you mean, am I afraid?

Will you cut it out? You sound like Felix.

But you don't smell like him and you don't look like him.

Yeah, that's why I can't wait till I see you tomorrow night.

All right, honey. Bye-bye.

"Afraid"? What do they mean, "afraid"?

I lost my falcon.

Hello.

Oscar, you're still living there?

Felix, you've only been gone for 12 hours.

How are things at Gloria's?

We had a big argument.

She puts cocktail napkins on the dinner table.

The kids are going to think they grew up in a bar.

Poor Gloria.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing my dinner.

You're not mixing Chinese and Italian?

No, Felix, no, no.

I found the perfect place to live.

It's really nice.

It's over on 59th Street.

It's called the Security Arms.

Security Arms? Yeah.

Yeah, it's totally safe.

I thought, I thought I'd go over tomorrow

and take a look at it.

Well, have your Security.

Yeah. Well, I was wondering

maybe you'd like to come along,

look the place over with me.

Why should I look at a place I'm never going to move into?

You're determined to stay in that death trap?

Boy, I'm telling you, I wish people would stop bugging me.

It's giving me the creeps!

You see? You're nervous there.

Good-bye, Felix.

'Fraidy cat...

Felix, what time are you going

to go look at that building tomorrow?

You know, you were very rude to the doorman.

I don't like to be frisked when I enter a building.

He didn't frisk you.

He just asked for your identification.

That's a very normal precaution.

I like it. Yeah?

Well, I'm sorry, Felix,

I get the feeling I'm being watched.

Oh, you're overreacting.

I'll be with you in a second, fellas.

Sit down.

Now you see?

Big Brother is watching us.

That's a loud speaker.

You've heard them at ball games.

Good afternoon, fellas.

Sit! Down!

G. Martin Duke's the name.

Safety's my game.

Oscar Madison.

Felix Unger. This must be one

of the watchdogs I read about in the brochure, huh?

Oh no, he's too small for that.

Too small? Yes.

Uh, Peaches is my own personal pet.

Uh-huh.

If he's a pet, why do you have a muzzle on him?

Well, I've learned never to be too sure of anything.

If man can turn on man, why not man's best friend?

May we see one of the apartments?

Certainly.

Stay.

Sit.

Mr. Duke? Mr. Duke?

Mel here.

There's a water deliveryman at the door,

but he's not the regular guy.

Did you check his identification, Mel?

It checks out.

He says he's the relief man.

Well, ask the gentleman to step in front of the scanner.

This is our finest feature.

Cameras scan the whole building,

and it comes through on the screen.

We like to think it makes every tenant

a watchman. Oh, goodie.

I always wanted to be a watchman.

He looks familiar. Pass him through.

Right.

But take a drink of water first, just in case.

Wait a minute, what kind of question is this?

"Describe your temperament." Right there.

Just another precaution.

Oh, really? Well, to tell you the truth,

I don't think it's any of your business.

Well, that's all right.

I think I have enough information.

Now, if you'll excuse me for a second,

and then we'll go up and look at an apartment.

"Madison given to temper outbursts."

Gentlemen.

Ah, yes.

Oh... this is lovely.

Yeah, early sterile.

Look at this beautiful painting, a black doughnut.

It's a little cold at first,

but after we add the personal touch.

Yeah, we'll bring in a goldfish for warmth.

Well, we'll bring our things in here,

move some of this furniture a little bit.

Oh, uh, the furniture's not moveable, Mr. Unger.

It's bolted down.

What if you had a rocking chair?

Chains. Chains.

It makes it impossible to steal.

It's for your own good. Very good.

Very good. What kind of glass is this?

The finest.

You can see out, but nobody can spy in.

We're 20 floors up.

Who's gonna spy in, a peeping pigeon?

Mr. Madison, it's for your own good.

Mr. Duke, when I look back at the best times of my life,

none of them was for my own good.

If you don't like it here,

we do have a long waiting list.

Excuse me, excuse me,

Mr. Madison, may I talk to you a minute?

What are you trying to do?

Trying to ruin everything?

You said you wanted to move.

Yeah, but not into solitary confinement.

Felix, the place gives me the creeps.

Oh, and waking up in the morning

and finding your roommate

bound and gagged and tortured,

that fills you with confidence?

When are you going to forget about that?

When the rope burns go away.

I asked you to move like a gentleman,

and you told me to go live with a dead poet.

Then I called you up

and gave you another opportunity,

at which time you hung up in my face

with a mouth full of soy sauce.

Then you called me, a man with terror in his voice

and you said, "Felix, please let me go in with you."

And I opened up my heart to you,

and you've plunged in the dagger of ingratitude.

Okay, okay, lay off, MacBeth.

I'll do it. Anything you want, I'll do it.

Just stop it.

I'll sign the lease.

Fingerprint me.

Oscar, this kitchen is a dream.

Well, the bedroom's a nightmare.

Only because you added your personal touch... filth.

My stuff is the only thing I like in there.

Do you know there's a lamp beside my bed I can't turn off?

It's a night light.

Yeah, well, I can't turn it off.

It's shining right on the bed.

I don't like to get a tan when I'm sleeping.

What are you doing?

I wonder if Duke's on the other side of this mirror looking in.

So ridiculous.

Why do you have to go out the first night in a new place?

I got a date with Nancy.

Well, bring her here.

Gloria's coming over at 8:00.

I'm making a lovely dinner

to patch up the fight we had.

She's still mad about the napkins, huh? Yeah.

Calls me a dictator.

Leave that alone!

The woman knows you, Felix.

Would a dictator prepare all her favorite dishes?

Veal piccata, zucchini,

zabaglione. They're your favorites.

And in time, they'll be her favorites.

I'm taking Nancy to the movies.

Why don't you stay here?

It's so nice

and safe. It's for your own good.

Felix, stop it. I'm tired of hearing about safe.

After I go to the movies,

I'm going to get a fistful of dollar bills.

I'm gonna stick them in all my pockets.

I'm going to go to Central Park

and I'm gonna say "Mug me, mug me!"

Go. Go.

I'm going. Don't worry, I'm going.

Look at this.

They're off and I haven't placed a bet yet.

Must be a fire drill.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger.

Yes. Yes.

G. Martin Duke speaking.

You have an unregistered guest out here.

Female, Caucasian, blonde hair,

five-foot-four, small scar on right hand,

38-26-34.

Gloria.

Mr. Duke, that's my wife you've got down there.

I'll put on my scanner.

Uh, move in front of the camera for positive identification.

Oh, look at Gloria.

Doesn't she look nice?

Yeah, I recognized her

by the scar on her Caucasian right hand.

Felix, why are you doing this to me?

Why do you invite me to dinner

and then have me arrested?

Arrested?

Mr. Duke, what's going on down there?

Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.

Standard operating procedure.

Felix, what kind of a building did you move into?

You'll love it...

You'll love it, Gloria.

I've made a beautiful dinner.

Look.

Am I going to have to eat it handcuffed?

Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.

But why didn't you register your wife?

It's in our tenant's manual.

"Management must be informed of the arrival of all guests.

"If it's to be an overnight guest,

management must be notified by 10:00 p.m."

What kind of a stupid rule is that?

A lot of times I don't know by 10:00

if my guest is going to stay overnight.

Gloria can hear every word you're saying.

I'm sorry, Mr. Duke, I've only reached page 51 in the manual.

Could you send my wife up now, please?

I'm sorry, Mr. Unger,

but I can't release her until Mel gets back.

Who's Mel?

Our security guard.

No guest is permitted

to wander around the building unaccompanied.

That's in the manual, too.

It sounds like the guy who wrote your manual

also wrote Mein Kampf.

I'd bring her up myself,

but I can't leave the office

and there's no one else around here I trust.

Why don't you send her up with Peaches?

I'm getting a migraine,

and it's a bad one.

Even my eyebrows hurt.

I'm coming down to get you, Gloria.

I'm sorry, but the manual states...

You can take your manual...

Door's locked. I can't get out.

From the inside the door is locked?

That's our interior lock.

Once the door is bolted from the inside,

you need the interior key to unlock the door again.

Oscar, after I let you in tonight, I bolted the door.

I gave you the keys. Where are they?

What keys? I don't re... I gave you the new keys.

They were wrapped in tissue paper. Where are they?

They were in the tissue paper? Yes.

They're in the East River.

I flushed them down the toilet

along with a half a tunafish sandwich and a banana peel.

I was cleaning out my pockets.

I don't believe this. I don't believe it.

Mr. Duke,

you'll just have to leave your post

and bring my wife up here.

Yeah, hurry up. I got a date.

Don't you understand?

The door only unlocks from the inside.

It's for your own good.

I hope Gloria brought my blue pills.

What difference does it make?

She can't get in.

What happened to the lights?

Somebody on the third floor just got it.

Just get us out of here!

The only way now is to break the door down.

Well, get your ax up here and do it!

Felix, I'm scared.

We're coming, Gl...

We're coming...

We're coming, Gloria.

You bet we are.

We're busting out of here in the first laundry truck.

Don't touch that window.

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Felix, do you think this is the time

to be setting the table?

FELIX Gloria's been through a harrowing ordeal.

She'll want something to eat.

There it goes.

Oh, Felix.

Gloria, darling.

Eat, darling, eat.

The food will be getting cold.

Veal piccata? You'll love it.

That door is coming out of your cleaning deposit.

Your nose may be coming off your face.

I don't like you, Madison.

No kidding, look at this.

Another birthday present I won't be getting.

Better be...

Be careful, Oscar. He can be rough.

What do you mean, he can be rough?

Oh, it was nothing, Felix.

No, wha-wha-what's nothing? Explain nothing.

Well... well, he yanked my arm a little

when I was looking for my ID, you know...

What part of your arm did he yank?

The lower arm or the upper arm?

Oh, it doesn't make any difference.

It makes a great deal of difference!

The upper arm is much more sensual.

This whole thing is getting out of hand.

I want you and Madison out of here in the morning.

I'm afraid you're just not our kind of people.

You're quite right, Mr. Duke.

We're not your kind of people.

We don't go around yanking other men's ex-wives' upper arms.

Why, I ought to...

Security is a wonderful thing, Mr. Duke,

but not at this price,

not with sneaky-peepy cameras and three-way locks...

and two-way mirrors.

Who-who told you about the mirrors?

This city is tough enough to live in

without people like you exploiting men's fears.

You're a horrible little man with a horrible little mind

who has to yank people's arms to get attention.

And we're moving out of here at once.

And I'm not even cleaning up.

Oh, isn't that great, Felix?!

I couldn't have said it better.

You've been saying it all along,

but I just didn't have enough sense to listen.

You're the kind of people who don't appreciate anything.

I had you spotted as pinkos, troublemakers,

the minute you set foot in my office.

This is the safest, most fully protected...

Mr. Duke! Mr. Duke!

Mel, what happened?

Boss, we've been robbed.

They took the computers, the scanner cameras, everything.

Come on, Mel.

Who could have done such a thing?

I think it was an inside job.

Who? Peaches.

It certainly didn't take you long

to get your room back in shape.

You know, Oscar, you were right.

I've learned a lesson.

Sometimes you can play it too safe.

It doesn't pay, does it?

A man has to take some risks just to be a man.

From now on, I'm finished playing with shadows

and jumping at every sound.

What? Ahh!