Original subtitles

Hi, Felix.

Oscar.

You're home. You working?

No, actually I'm trying to play "Nola" on my typewriter.

You got a cold?

Yeah, oh, boy.

Either that or I'm allergic to you.

You're not going to stay here long, are you?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am.

I'm going to work for about three hours until at least 3:00,

and then I'm going to get ready for the poker game.

What poker game?

Oh, I didn't tell you.

A bunch of sportswriters are coming into town

to cover the big fight tomorrow night,

and we're going to have a big game here this afternoon.

Oh, you're joking.

Why would I joke about a thing like that?

I'd invite you to sit in,

but I know your mother doesn't like you to play with strangers.

Don't you know what day this is?

Yeah, Saturday.

This is the 27th.

Right.

Don't you know what, what happens here this afternoon?

I told you I know.

I'm going to work till 3:00,

then there's going to be a big game here.

This is Edna's birthday.

Oh, your kid, yeah.

Yes.

You never listen to me.

For a whole week, I've been telling you

that this year Gloria's letting me make Edna's birthday party.

Well, I didn't make the connection.

Because you never listen to me!

My life means nothing to you!

This is a very big day for me.

My little girl's tenth birthday.

Well, wish her a happy for me.

I can't have a little girl's birthday party

while you're having a poker game.

That's right, Felix. You can't.

That's your answer?

"That's right, Felix. You can't."

When you know how important this is to me.

Well, what am I supposed to do?!

They're coming from all over the country.

Charley Fillman's coming from the West Coast,

Al Brown is coming from Vegas... I'm very sorry.

You're going to have to cancel your game.

That's all. You're out of your mi...

Do you know you're out of your mind?

I'm not going to cancel the biggest poker game of my life!

Well, I'm not giving up my little girl's birthday party.

"Happy Birthday" will be sung to Edna today in this house.

Then it will be sung by four grumpy old men

who'll be betting on how old she is.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife

had thrown him out, requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Look, we've got to get this thing settled.

Edna will be here any minute.

Are you listening to me?!

I'm listening, I'm listening.

As far as I'm concerned, it's settled.

I hate to pull rank on you, Felix,

but this is my apartment,

and I have priority on all social events,

and this happens to be a big one.

I pay half the rent here.

I'll give you back today's rent.

No party.

Oscar.

Where's your heart?

What's more important?

A poker game or a little girl's birthday party?

Is that your final answer, Oscar?

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Beneath that stained shirt there is no heart.

All right, you win.

I can't fight you.

It's a nice day.

We'll have the party in the park.

Beautiful, Felix.

You see how easy it is?

On one condition. What condition?

That you'll take care of Edna

for a couple of hours while I go out.

I have to pick up the cake. I have to interview a clown.

You're going to interview a clown?

You're nothing today

if you don't have a clown at a birthday party.

It's a big surprise.

I have to go down to his office and interview him.

Where's his office?

In a tent?

That's very clever.

Well, will you do it?

Yeah, I'll do it, but I... But, but, but.

Don't tell me you're reluctant to do one little favor.

I'm not reluctant.

It's just that... well, I don't think your kid likes me.

Who, Edna?

I don't think she likes to have me around.

She loves you. Oh, yeah.

The last time she was here,

didn't she bring you a present?

Yeah, a can of room freshener.

It's the thought that counts.

Now, it's her birthday.

Be nice to her.

There's my birthday girl! Hi, Daddy!

Oh, look at her.

What have you got?

Licorice whips. Oh, boy.

Two blacks and two reds.

Oh, yeah.

I'll bet you brought one for Uncle Oscar, didn't you?

No!

Give him a nice, big hug.

Hello, Uncle Oscar.

Ugh!

Now, just for my records, Mr. Unger,

would you mind revealing the source of your reference?

Um, a Mr. Bennett.

I believe you did his son Mark's birthday party.

Mark Bennett?

Last spring, yes.

Last sp... oh, Mark Bennett.

So many kids are named Mark these days,

it's hard for me to keep up with them.

Well, I suppose it's not important.

Oh, but it is.

For recommending you,

Mr. Bennett is entitled to one free jellybean trick.

Hmm.

He's easy to get in touch with.

He's, uh, vice president of the Chase Manhattan Bank.

Chase... Manhattan... Bank.

One... free... jelly... bean... trick.

Sherman the Clown, huh?

Yeah, well, when I got into show business,

I promised my father I wouldn't change my name.

Well, the party's going to be at 3:00

in the children's zoo at Central Park.

Okay, I'll be there. Right.

Now, uh, what would you like to have me wear?

These pictures'll sort of give you an idea.

Edna! Edna!

Edna, honey,

could you turn the set down a little bit please?

If I make it any softer, I won't be able to hear it.

I can hear it great in my bedroom.

I've got the door closed.

Okay, okay.

And honey, honey, honey.

Could you stick to one channel instead of all that changing?

I feel like I'm living in a time tunnel.

You won't let me have any fun.

It's my birthday.

When is the party going to start?

As soon as your daddy gets here, honey, okay?

Your shirt's out.

Yeah, I got a hole in my pants.

Oh, Oscar.

Oscar, Oscar.

Uh, the bear suit's very nice.

How about the bear suit?

No, that's out.

A couple of vicious children

attacked that bear suit five years ago.

Oh, well, just your basic clown then.

Basic clown. Yeah.

All right.

Now, will you be wanting the jellybean trick?

Is that extra? 65 cents.

Uh, plus the jellybeans.

Throw that in then. Throw that in then.

This is just little girls, you know.

Oh, there's no rough stuff in this.

Oh, and those little girls just love my flopsy-mopsy dance.

That's $3.50.

Flopsy-mopsy dance?

Yeah.

That's cute. That's cute.

That's enough.

Whoa, I'm glad you stopped me.

Thanks.

Now.

Will you be wanting my, uh, my biggie,

the one I'm really famous for,

the one that never fails?

What is your biggie?

Well, my, uh, shoes explode.

Yeah. That's $12.55.

Is it messy?

Only on my socks.

All right. Throw it in.

Want that, too. All right, fine.

Well, just a moment, Mr. Unger.

Now, let's see. Basic clown.

Flopsy-mopsy.

Jellybean. Je... Jellybean.

Well, let's just say 15 bucks for the afternoon, okay?

Uncle Oscar!

What is it, Edna?

Ugh!

Again, ugh!

How can you live like this?

I practice.

What is it, honey?

There's nothing good on TV.

This is New York!

There are 52 channels!

I know. I heard them all today.

Go ahead, honey. Go on. Watch Sesame Street.

That's on now.

Aw, that's for kids.

What are you, a giraffe?

Hey, there's a blue stain on your rug.

No. That's the original color.

You mean the rest is all one big stain?

Here's a half a tuna fish sandwich. Here.

Go eat in the living room, will you?

Ick!

Give me this.

Can I watch you work?

There's nothing to watch. I'm just typing.

I like to watch you typing.

Cincinnati is spelled C-I-N-C-I-double-N-A-T-I.

This is a different Cincinnati.

There's only one.

How can you be a writer if you don't know how to spell?

Spelling's got nothing to do with writing.

Mrs. Lange says spelling is very important.

Well, you tell Mrs. Lange

it's impossible to spell and write at the same time.

You make a lot of mistakes, don't you?

All those X's.

Those aren't X's.

Those are kisses for my editor.

Honey, if you want to stay here, you've got to be quiet.

Okay.

You know, this room is a fire hazard!

Report me tomorrow, huh?

My daddy said someday you're going to disappear in this room

and they'd never find you.

Someday your daddy's going to disappear!

How can you ever find anything?

Honey, I know where everything is.

It's called cross-filing.

Here's a sock, right?

Now, this sock is here.

That means the other sock is in the laundry. See?

One is in the laundry, one is here.

That's how I know where everything is.

Now, will you please be quiet, Edna?

Where's the phone?

Hello. Huh? Okay.

It's for you.

You're sloppy, but you're funny.

Hello. Sloppy-but-Funny.

Hello, Al!

Yeah, the game is still on. -00.

Yeah, all the guys are coming.

You got the address? Good.

Bring a lot of money

'cause the cards are going to be flying.

I'm going to win back all that money.

Yeah. Right. 3:00. Bye-bye.

Uncle Oscar, don't you know

that gambling is against the law?

Don't you like ice cream?

Sure!

Well, your... Felix has got all kinds of ice cream

neatly packed right in the freezer.

Why don't you go get yourself...?

Thanks! Be a nice girl.

Have a happy time, birthday girl!

Hey, Uncle Oscar!

Why are you locking the door?!

To protect you in case of fire.

Hey, Felix, when did you get back?

Just a little while ago.

I got everything. I got the party favors.

I got the cake, which I am now

decorating myself... Personal touch.

Look, I'm making roses.

And I got the clown.

Oh, she's going to be so happy.

How's the clown?

Well... seedy, but available.

I'll tell you something.

Clowns are not happy people.

Oh.

How'd you get along with Edna?

It was like you never left.

You had fun, huh?

What are you making?

Sandwiches for the fellas. You want one?

Hey, hurry it up, will you, Felix?

They're gonna be here any minute.

What do you want me to do, leave without Edna?

She's dressing. We'll be out of here in three minutes.

But I want you to hurry. Look what you did.

Oh, no! What? What did I do?

You made me spoil my rose!

Tell her it's a red mushroom.

But hurry, will you?

I feel lucky today.

I'm gonna win back all that money I lost

that other time.

Now I've got to make them all mushrooms.

Mushroom, bananas... who cares?

The children care.

I care.

I want this to be a day she'll always remember.

I hope it's a day I'm gonna always want to remember.

What should I say here, huh?

Well, what do you got?

I got, "Happy Birthday." That's it.

No, no, no. It should be,

"Happy Birthday to the most beau..."

Felix, it's a cake. It's not a portrait.

I'll show you. What are you doing?

Careful of the mushrooms now.

What are you writing?

"Happy Birthday, Edna." That's it.

Well, I could have done that.

It's perfect.

I'm a writer. Trust me. Hmm?

It's simple, but it says it.

Hi, Daddy.

Aw, look at the birthday girl! Oh!

Oh, she looks so beautiful!

You look so pretty, Edna!

Look what we've got here.

What's that?

It's your birthday cake.

"Happy Birthday, Edna."

Don't you like it?

It's simple, but it says it.

Hey, there we go. I'm out.

You're out, all right.

Come on, Harry. You in or out?

No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

That means he's out... No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.

Hey, would you believe it?

Yesterday I was playing beside a big movie star's

swimming pool?

Well, I'll fill up the tub and put on my false eyelashes.

Come on, will you hurry up?

All right, I'll...

I'll raise you 50. I'll bump you 50.

I can't get a break with these cards. I call.

I got the flush! Ha, ha! What is it?

I got an inside straight...

Boy, it's really raining out there.

Will you forget about the rain?

Sit down. I want to get even.

Come on.

You came back!

Forgive me!

We could have stayed out all afternoon,

but the monsoon came.

Well, you're all drenched. Come on in.

Come in. Thank you.

Boy, this weather is murder on your bronchial tubes.

Girls, go over by... by the radiator.

Get warm. Get warm.

Oh, the party is a disaster.

Well, it's only a thunderstorm.

It'll stop soon. You can go back in the park.

Are you joking?

You'd send us back to that wet park?

You'd risk six cases of pneumonia for a poker game?

Of course!

How long are they going to stay here?

Till I get my 350 bucks back.

That might take all night.

Hey, fellows, I see something there that can save my life.

Can I have...? Oh, thank you!

Yeah.

How about five...? Parlay.

Well, how many cards we playing?

Two. Two?

What are we playing? Are we playing five cards?

Yeah. Draw? How many cards you got? Who opened?

I don't know who opened. Oscar, are these your reporter friends?

Yeah. All right, well, I didn't know.

How much is in this pot? What's the limit on this pot?

Gentlemen, my name is Felix Unger.

Come on, will you?

I share this apartment when it rains.

Hiya. Yeah, hello.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you. I raise you ten dollars.

Likewise. Come on. Let's go. Are you in or out?

Later there'll be some cake. I'm out.

Yeah. Okay.

Oscar!

What is it now?

Edna's party, the poor kid!

It's the only tenth birthday she'll ever have.

Felix, I remember my tenth birthday.

My father had a poker game.

He sent us all to the movies.

What is that, an anecdote or a suggestion?

I'll pay for the cab fare.

Why don't you take them to a nice, warm, dry movie?

There are five movies in this neighborhood...

Four Xs and an R.

You want me to sing happy birthday

to my ten-year-old daughter

while two people are groaning in Swedish?

Well, you better do something.

The kids are getting chocolate all over the money!

Take your card game into your room!

What's the matter?

Are you ashamed?

No, it's just a lot of money involved, that's all.

Hey, Oscar, we can't play out here with these kids.

Is there another room we can go to? You see?

Oh, all right, yeah, Al.

We can play in my bedroom.

It's not the greatest place to play, but it's...

- You kids stay here. - Oh, good!

We're going to have a party now!

Yay! We're going to have a party!

There we are! Where's Sherman?

He went with the other man.

Sherman!

Sherman! Sherman!

Sherman! Sherman, please!

Sherman, what are you doing? Come on!

I thought I was rained out!

No, no, no! Come on! We have to entertain...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Before we start the party, who wants to spray the room?

Okay, I will.

It's-It's pretty close in here.

That's why I left the door open.

Well, where are we gonna play?

On the bed. Well, where is it?

You're a very funny guy...

I'm changing my luck. I'm getting right over here.

Okay, here we go. $20...

This place reminds me of a Cuban jail I was in once.

Twice. I got a good memory.

20 dollars.

Ta-ta-ta! What is it, Sherman?

While they're playing the pin the tail on the donkey,

I got time for a couple of hands. Will you let me in?

Will you let me in?

But only for a few hands.

You got... supposed to be back there with the kids, you know.

All right. Yeah, I wanted to be a clown once.

I even stole the makeup.

What are Barnum and Bailey really like?

Yeah, I'll open for a 20.

I think there's some right here.

20. He opened for a 20.

Hey, hey, look out, look out!

Felix! What?

Felix! Felix! What?!

Come in here! What's going on?

Edna came in here. She stuck a pin in everybody!

Will you keep the party in the other room, please?

Sherman, what are you doing in here?

I need you in there to entertain! Come on! I'm raising you 20 more.

And I need him in here to finish this ro... game. What is this? Come on!

I hired this man as a clown.

Look, I'll give your 15 bucks back! I quit!

Who is this pest, Oscar?

Oh, hey, that's my best friend...

No, that's all right.

This pest happens to live here.

And this pest hired this clown

to entertain at this pest's

daughter's birthday party.

Surely you remember children, sir.

When you were young, you used to beat them up.

Hey, that was great, Felix.

Now beat it, will you, before you become a pest?

All right... I got a full house.

Four ladies, and I win the pot!

Will you come on, entertain!

Oh, all right.

Do your flopsy-mopsy dance. Do anything! Come on!

Yay!

He's going to entertain us!

No vicious kids, hey?

What about that pin on the back of my head?

They're bored with pin the tail on the donkey.

Do something else. Now look, buddy!

You have gotten the repertoire that you paid for.

Yes, I gave you the jellybean trick,

I gave you the flopsy-mop in the park wet.

Kids, have a good time. We're gonna be right with you.

Why don't you give them your biggie,

where your shoes explode?

What, with my socks wet? You want me to burn my feet?

Look, I've given you all these funny gags.

I gave you five rain ad-libs that didn't cost you a penny.

What kind of clown are you anyway?

When I was a kid, I looked up to clowns.

I thought they were wonderful people.

So free!

They did everything for love!

You're the first clown I ever saw with an adding machine.

What is this world coming to?

All right.

All right, don't get yourself in an uproar.

I'll give you another free bit.

All right, girls, we're gonna play!

We're gonna play!

We're gonna play. We're gonna play hide and go seek.

Yay! And I'm it!

Good!

Put your heads down, hide 'em.

You too, Mr. Unger! Hide your head. All right, all right.

Now count to 100 by ones, and I'll start you off. One.

One. GIRLS: Two.

Louder. Three, four.

Louder! Five, six.

Seven, eight!

Nine, ten!

Jack, Queen, King!

I'm in! What happened?

I don't believe this is happening.

Oh, I'm supposed to be hiding.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

96, 97,

98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here we come!

I know where Sherman is!

Yes, here he is.

Get him, kids. Get him!

He's supposed to be in there anyway.

I've had it, Oscar!

Come on. Let's get out of here.

You're supposed to be here.

Felix, don't ever relax

'cause if I see you dozing for one second,

I'm gonna kill you.

Children! Children!

Don't play in the dirt!

Ew!

Let's play Crazy Eights.

Crazy Eights. Good.

What?

What's... What-What... What's happening?

We're leaving. We're gonna play someplace else.

Where? Sherman's office on Tenth Avenue.

You can have the whole place to yourself.

You happy? Oh, Oscar!

You're not taking my clown away!

He's the big winner!

Uncle Oscar?

Where's Sherman?

Why did Sherman go?

Well, honey, he didn't feel well, so he had to go home.

Aw. We'll have fun.

We'll have fun. That's...

Come on. There you go.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna have a lot of fun, aren't we?

Aren't we? Know what we'll do?

We'll have fun. Ah...

I'll read you a story. I'll read you a story.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, now, this is great.

No, no. This is really funny.

Oh! Come on, come on, sit down.

This is really nice. You'll like this.

You'll like this. Oh, I don't think so.

No.

"Once upon a time, a young man went down

to the corner to mail a letter..."

"And so he learned

that you can't mail a letter without a stamp."

Isn't that interesting?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's fasc... The story of stamps.

Beautiful. What do you want to do now?

I want to go home, Mr. Unger. Oh, no, but we haven't...

We haven't had our cake yet!

I don't want any cake. Yes, you do.

Sit up, sit up like a nice young lady.

The cake's all wet anyway. It has leaves on it.

I took the leaves off it, honey.

I know what we'll do. Let's sing songs.

Let's sing songs. No.

Yeah. Let's sing a round.

Do you all know "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"

Do you know? Yeah, let's sing that.

We'll have fun. You'll see. Start.

♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. ♪

I want to go home! No! "Row your boat!" Come on!

Me, too. I want to go home, Mr. Unger.

We're going to have our cake...

This is the worst birthday party I ever had!

We just want to go home. Oh, sweetheart.

Ta-da!

Sherman!

Hello, girls!

Hello, girls! I just remembered!

We never sang...

Oscar..."Happy Birthday" to the birthday girl!

Yeah! Here we go!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

Oscar!

I knew you'd come back. I knew you knew.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Edna ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ We have to have the cake!

We have to have the cake!

Hey, while Felix is getting the cake,

I'm will do do my famous mopsy-flopsy.

We saw that.

You saw that one?

How about the famous handkerchief trick...?

We saw that... You saw that one?

How about the jellybean trick?

That's... We saw that.

You saw that. Oh!

Oh, my! You've seen everything.

He was right: It is a biggie.

Gin!

How do you gin all the time?

Because it's my birthday.

Did you call your mother? Mm-hmm.

And I told her it was the best birthday I ever had!

Mmm. I think it's time you go to bed.

Okay.

Thank you, Daddy.

Good night.

And thank you, Uncle Oscar.

There are many things about you that bug me,

but you're a swell clown,

and I'm glad you're Daddy's best friend.

Thank you.

You see?

So you lost a couple of hundred dollars,

but you made a child happy.

Aren't you pleased with yourself?

Ick!