Original subtitles

Oscar!

Oscar. Oscar get up!

Get up!

I've got news for you! Get up!

I've got good news and I've got bad news.

What time is it?

8:00 of a bright sunny morning!

What's the good news?

Get up! Get your clothes on.

There's someone here to see you. Who?

Get up and see for yourself. An old friend.

Someone very near and dear to you!

My bookie is here so early?

No, but it begins with "B."

So does bug off, Felix. I'm not getting up for anybody!

Not even for Blanche?

Not even for Blanche... Blanche is here?!

My ex-wife Blanche from California?!

Yes! Blanche is here?

Yes! She came from California... she's here!

Tell her I'm not home! Oh, come on. What's the matter?

She has something to tell you.

I know what she's gonna tell me, Felix.

I'm three months behind in my alimony.

Is-is-is... is her lawyer with her?

No, no. A tall skinny guy with a smile?

No, no. She got any papers...

State of New York... A subpoena and everything.

Why did you let her in? The one person in the world

I never want to see is Blanche. My God I don't want to...

Hi, Blanche nice to see you.

Hi, Oscar.

Ah, same old Oscar, neat as a pin.

Wow...

it's like a stroll down memory sewer.

Same old Blanche, still zinging them, huh?

Well, I'll leave you two alone.

No! Wait!

He was so excited.

I didn't tell him the great news!

What great news? Tell him.

I'm getting married again.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

You little goblin.

You're getting married this afternoon.

I can't... I don't know what to say.

Ah, come on, say what's in your heart.

No more alimony.

Aw, no, honey, I'm happy for you, too.

I really am, Blanche.

I'm not really prepared for a celebration.

All I've got is some German chocolate cake and Muscatel.

Perfect if you're a Nazi wino.

Wouldn't you rather have some beer?

Beer. No.

Who ever heard of Beer for a celebration?

How about coffee? Coffee for breakfast,

now why didn't we think of that?

Sit, come on, sit, Blanche.

Oh, thanks.

Well, tell us about your intended.

Ah, how long have you known him?

Who, Roger? About three weeks. Yeah.

Three weeks? Yeah.

Twenty one days.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing, Blanche?

Of course she's sure!

It's a whirlwind romance, for...

The guy sees what he wants and he takes it.

I like his style.

So, uh, tell us where, uh,

where did he pop the question?

At the Whispering Pines.

Hey, that sounds romantic!

Romantic? It's a motel outside of Dayton.

Blanche!

Oh, darling!

We were having coffee in the coffee shop.

Forgive me. I thought... Oh, no. No.

I thought so, too...

but we ended up in the coffee shop.

Well, uh, what,

what first attracted you to him?

He asked me out.

Good looking?

No, but I've never been attracted

to good looking men.

Well, I hope he has a sense of humor.

He's very nice.

So, now let's get down to basics.

How tall is he?

Five feet four inches.

Only five... Napoleon was only five-four.

As long as he's tall enough

to reach her wedding finger

that's all that counts.

Use your napkin.

You're wonderful!

I never got him any further than his sleeves.

I don't get a real picture of him, Blanche.

What-what, what are his hobbies,

what are his interests?

Well, his big passion is steam baths.

Mm-hmm.

See...

Is that something the two of you can share,

Blanche?

Well, maybe they'll take a trip to Japan!

Get your feet off the chair!

Look at this... nagging in stereo!

Wipe your lip.

So when's the wedding?

At 3:00, this afternoon.

3:00. Mm-hmm.

And I got to go. Aw...

Oh, listen, I want to look good

and lately it's an all day job.

You look great!

You sure look good! Oh, thank you, thank you.

I want to tell you, the more I hear about this Roger,

the more I like him. Right.

I mean, I seems like an individualist, Mm-hmm.

He doesn't follow the... You've got to be very strong

to take all those baths!

I really came to ask you to the wedding.

I'd like you to be there.

Are you kidding? Of course we'll be there!

You need a bridesmaid? I'll be a bridesmaid!

Felix... Me? Oh.

On condition that you let me bake the wedding cake.

I'd love it.

3:00 at The Wee Kirk of Yonkers.

The Wee Kirk of Yonkers?

Don't blame me, his side picked it.

Bye! Bye.

I wish you only the best, Blanche.

Thank you, Felix!

Lord knows, you didn't get it the first time.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ She's going to let me keep my bread. ♪

Oh, Felix, isn't it wonderful

the way everything worked out?

Isn't this marvelous?

She's going to get married!

You're shaking your head the wrong way.

Your head should be going this way.

It's a lovely day. That a boy fella.

Oscar. What?

May I say something? No.

Nothing.

Nevertheless,

I don't think it's going to work out. What?

What don't you think is going to work out? What? What? What?

You heard the way she spoke about him.

Is that the way a woman

talks about the man she's going to marry?

What do you got against Roger,

steam baths?

They have soap, towels, washcloths.

Everything you put on your Christmas list!

You should love him.

Oscar, the way she described him.

She said he was nice. Yeah. Nice.

That's it... nice.

Well, nice is nice!

Not once was the word "love" mentioned.

I lived with her 12 years,

not once was the word "love" mentioned!

Maybe you were never listening!

Oh, now stop it.

What are you looking for?

That black... Black?

Yeah. Black what? What?

Black olive?

No.

What?

Here it is. I got it. What?

It's a black sock to match this one

for the wedding.

Don't you care if Blanche is happy?

Of course I care.

Don't you care if I'm happy?

Not as much I, as I care as if Blanche is happy!

Alright, Felix, okay, she didn't say she loves him.

I'll say it for her. She loves him.

I could see it in her eyes.

The guy's nice, he's a, he's financially secure.

I love him! Then you marry him!

I'm telling you she's happy.

I know Blanche!

I know the mad Blanche, the happy Blanche,

the crazy Blanche, the sad Blanche.

I know her like a book.

What color are her eyes?

Go bake your wedding cake.

Gee!

Awfully big for a wee kirk, isn't it?

It's good.

Gives them a lot of room to kirk around in.

What have you got there, a present?

No, it's the divorce decree.

Just in case she forgot hers, I'm not taking any chances.

Five-four.

Looks clean, right?

Hello, sir, I want to congratulate you.

You're getting yourself quite a woman there!

Oh, ah, I'm Oscar Madison, Blanche's first husband.

Oh, glad to meet you.

I'm Charles Parsley, the best man.

Ah! Mm.

Where's the happy bridegroom?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Well, he was supposed to meet us here 20 minutes ago!

I'll try to reach him.

Yeah, do that, will you? Here, you got a dime?

Hello, Felix.

Aw, there she is!

Oscar, look!

How radiant she is!

Yeah... congratulations.

I'm not married yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thanks for wearing a tie.

Does it light up? Very funny.

Where's the bridegroom?

He isn't here yet? Yeah...

I hope nothing happened to him, but don't worry.

I'm not worried. I mean, we'll find him.

He won't get away, I mean, we'll...

take care of it, so don't worry.

I'm not worried! Excuse me.

Is this the 3:00 party?

We're the party. I'm Reverend Wright.

Ah.

Right Reverend Wright!

I have a message from the bridegroom.

He's at a steam bath at 41 and fifth.

Seems he stayed in a little too long and nodded off.

That could take a couple hours to get here!

I just hope he's here by 3:30.

We have a funeral at 4:00.

You mean I'm the opening act for a funeral?

It pays the rent.

Where are you going?

I'm going to 41 and fifth and find him!

How'll you know him? I'll look for a short wrinkled man!

Calm down, sweetheart.

You're going to be a wonderful maid of honor.

And please, sweetheart,

you're supposed to cry after the wedding!

Am I intruding?

Oh, heavens, no, come on in.

Hello.

Oh, this is my...

maid of honor, Judy Milhaus.

How do you do? And this is Felix Unger.

Hello, Judy. Hello.

Blanche, may I talk to you?

Judy, do you mind? Oh, no.

I'll be outside. Yes, dear,

you go and tie the cans to the car

and give out the rice, all those things.

Oh, boy, she's never going to make it through! Hmm.

Judy a relative?

Not really.

Old friend?

Yeah, since yesterday when she sold me this dress.

A salesclerk?

You've got a salesclerk for your bridesmaid, Blanche?

Oscar would have been a better choice.

Well, it was either her or the stewardess on the plane.

I don't know anybody in New York any more.

Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

Felix, what's the matter?

Where are you going on your honeymoon?

Anyplace except where Oscar took me.

Where was that?

To a hockey game

between the Rangers and the Redwings,

where I got hit with a puck!

May I ask you something, Blanche?

Yes, dear, go right ahead.

You love Roger?

I like him.

He's very nice.

He's tender.

Well, he should be after all those steam baths.

Felix... I had love once, with Oscar.

I'm satisfied.

I like being married.

The best thing about being married

to Oscar was being married!

You're an attractive girl, Blanche.

You must have many, many opportunities.

Three in the last five years.

One was a militant hairdresser.

One was an obscene phone caller,

except he turned out to be a little too tall.

And one was a note tied to a rock.

Now this is it.

I'm going to marry Roger.

I'll see if Oscar's back.

I may be a hopeless romantic,

but to me love is not having a total stranger as a bridesmaid.

Or a husband.

Here's the groom!

Felix, I want you to meet a terrific little guy!

How do you do?

Hey, Felix Unger, Mister Doctor.

You're a doctor!

No, that's my name.

Roger Doctor.

Actually,

I'm in milk. Milk!

He's being modest.

A string of dairies upstate, you know,

cows and price parities and supports... Oh, my, goodness,

isn't that impressive! Hello, Roger!

Hello, dear.

Sorry I fouled things up.

All is forgiven!

I'll forgive him, if you don't mind.

Sorry.

I forgive you, darling.

Well, if everybody's present,

we really should get on with the ceremony.

If I can have the bride and groom right over here.

Look at this!

I almost walked the last mile again.

Sorry, you just looked so happy.

Maid of honor here.

Best man to that side.

Are you in milk, too?

No, I'm in yogurt.

I take whatever goes sour on Roger.

Now, then... if everybody's ready,

I'll start your souvenir recording of the ceremony,

which we give you at no extra cost.

Testing, one, two, three.

And... hit it, Kim.

My dear friends,

we have gathered here today

at The Wee Kirk of Yonkers Chapel,

just one mile south of Yonkers raceway,

to join these two in holy matrimony.

But before I pronounce the final vows

by the authority vested in me

by the State of New York,

let me ask if there is anyone present

who knows of any reason

why this couple should not be joined in marriage.

Let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.

I object.

Couple should not be joined in marriage,

let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.

I object.

I object. I object.

Hello.

I stayed for the funeral.

Did you stand up in the middle and say,

"I object. This man is not dead"?

Are you mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just sitting here listening

to the number one record on my hit parade.

Listen, you're going to love it.

I object. I object.

I object.

You like it?

The melody isn't much, but the words are catchy.

My crazy sense of humor.

Don't be angry. I'm not objecting forever.

I just want to give them a couple

of days to think it over.

How do you interfere with two adults

who want to get married?

It's none of your business. It is.

I like Blanche, and I acted out of friendship for her.

Oh, that's what you do with your friends?

Wonderful. I'm glad I'm not one of your friends anymore.

It never would have worked out.

Oh, tell me about it,

Mr. expert on marriage who's divorced and living with a slob.

Blanche doesn't love Roger.

Oh, again with the love.

Yes, again with love!

All right, tell me, what is love, Dear Abby?

What is love? What is love?

Love is, love is, love is two people

running hand in hand through the fields with the music playing,

and they're running and they're running and they're running...

That's not love, that's a toilet paper commercial.

So coarse. Aah...

Love is that feeling between two people and two...

Well, it doesn't have to be two people.

It can be a man and his dog.

It can be a child and a teddy bear.

It can be squirrels, bunnies...

I don't want to hear about squirrels and bunnies.

Tell me about Blanche and the milkman.

I-I... I can't tell you

Yeah, sure. exactly what love is just now.

All right, well, I can tell you what it isn't.

Love isn't, "He's so nice."

Love isn't spending the rest of your life with someone

whose main passion is sitting in a towel somewhere and sweating.

Don't tell me what it isn't.

Tell me what it is.

Well, now that, now that I know what it isn't,

now I can tell you what it is.

Love is... that intense, vital,

passionate feeling one person has for another.

That's it. Basically.

I have those feelings for you,

but I'm pretty sure it's hate.

You're upset, understandably,

because there are a few dollars involved.

But you cannot deny to Blanche her right to romance.

Romance. Marriage isn't enough for you?

That's right.

Romance... that, that feeling that you'd rather die

than to be apart from the one you love,

that, that wonderful feeling of pain in your heart

when the one you love isn't there,

that ache when you're waiting for the phone to ring.

That's romance.

That isn't ro... that's romance if you're 16 years old.

Then I am forever 16 years old.

So is that fish.

What didn't you like?

The fish?

The salad?

The wine?

The cook.

What are you doing?

I'm watching TV.

Without sound?

I don't want any sound.

Somebody's liable to say, "I object."

What's on?

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

That's a wonderful movie.

You bet it's a wonderful movie.

Seven ceremonies nobody's objected to.

Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

Oh, Felix, it's all right.

It's your way.

You're just a fun person.

Hi, Blanche.

Hi, Oscar.

Cheer up.

Roger and I have reserved the chapel for tomorrow noon.

Ah! You have?

That's wonderful!

But first we're gonna have dinner tonight to talk it over.

You see? That is a sensible, mature decision.

Felix, go to your room!

I'm not a child.

I know you're not a child.

A child puts a smile on everybody's face.

Now, go!

I want to stay in here.

She's my ex-wife.

I want to talk to her privately.

Please, Felix. All right.

Congratulations, Blanche, I hope everything works out fine.

Thanks.

I'll be in my room if you need me.

Nobody needs you.

What am I gonna do in my room alone?

Is that sound on?

No.

Good, I thought I was going deaf.

Sit down, Blanche.

You want a drink or something?

No, no, I can't stay long.

Well, what is it?

I mean, is it on or is it off?

Well, we'll see.

We're gonna talk about it.

It's all his fault.

It's not his fault.

He just wanted to make sure

that it was a marriage made in heaven, like ours.

Like ours?

It's a joke, Oscar.

Thousands of people in this state use Madison vs. Madison

as a precedent for their divorce.

Well, we had fun in the beginning.

You kidding?

We had a great year or two.

Two out of 12 ain't bad.

I figured the only reason you married me anyway

was because you had a bet on with your cronies eight to five

and you couldn't resist the odds.

So I picked up a few hundred dollars.

Aw!

I was gonna marry you anyway.

Blanche, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why did you let Felix get away with pulling that stunt today?

I don't know.

It just happened.

Well, maybe you don't want to get married again.

Maybe you figure it's easier to ride the gravy train

for a couple of more years.

What gravy train?

The Oscar Madison alimony train.

The Oscar Madison alimony train?

You mean the one that stops at every crap game?

Oh, that's a great train, Oscar.

You never realized what a wonderful feeling it is

knowing that your alimony is somewhere out there

riding on a hard eight!

Now, why don't you get off my back and marry the milkman?!

I got news for you!

At this moment, I'd marry the guy who hit me with the puck!

Yeah?

Well, I'll believe that when I see it!

Well, show up at noon tomorrow and you'll see!

Well, I got news for you, a real flash.

I'll be there in the flesh!

Have a little class, sweetheart!

Wear a suit!

Oscar...

are you going to let her go through with this?

To Roger and Blanche.

I think Shelley said it best:

"I could lie down like a tired child

and weep away the life of care."

I think Baby Face Nelson said it better.

What did he say?

"You make one wrong move, I'm gonna kill you."

Well, gang, shall we have another go at it?

I think so.

I know so.

Mr. Unger, I take it this time

you'll be able to control yourself.

My lips are sealed.

My heart is another story.

Well, then, shall we proceed?

Kim, if you please.

My dear friends,

we are gathered again today

to have another crack at uniting

in holy matrimony

Blanche Jefferson Madison and Roger J. Doctor.

Before I pronounce the final vows,

let me ask if there is anyone present who knows of any reason

why this couple should not be joined in wedlock.

Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Good.

If I may have the ring, please.

I object.

Roger, look at it this way.

I know it hurts.

It was never meant to be.

Felix, I'm telling you, I'm not that shocked.

Life is unpredictable.

One day it's butter, the next day it's margarine.

Right. Exactly.

In fact, when you come right down to it,

I wish my first wife had had friends like you and Oscar.

I would have saved half of my Holsteins.

That's the spirit.

No use crying over spilt milk.

I like you, boy.

Let's have a steam together sometime.

Now, you go, and you just untie the cans,

and you can take the rice home, dear.

Oh, boy.

And now, you.

I'm sorry, dear.

The words just came out, I don't know.

Oh, boy, am I glad they did.

I didn't have the guts for it.

What?

You know last night when we had that fight?

Yeah.

It brought back a lot of memories.

And a lot of them were bad, but some of them were good.

I didn't like the hostility, but I liked the openness.

I need that in a relationship.

Me, too.

It's nothing to base a marriage on.

But when we fight, we're a couple of heavyweights.

I'm a pretty tough lady, as you know.

You're pretty, but you're not so tough, you're really not.

And you're gonna make somebody a great wife,

but don't underrate yourself.

You got to take the time to find the right guy.

I found him, but Elizabeth Taylor won't let him go.

Always with the jokes.

You're a nice guy, Oscar.

I got to go.

Roger's gonna drive me to the airport.

Maybe I can hijack the pilot.

Listen, would you do me a favor?

Anything, anything. What?

You know those little alimony checks?

I'd like to have them all by the 15th.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

Good-bye, Felix.

Blanche, Blanche, mm.

Have a safe trip.

Thank you, dear.

Aren't you coming?

I thought I'd wait for the 2:15 funeral.

Maybe it'll cheer me up.

Funny day, wasn't it?

Hmm.

Sad wedding and a happy funeral.

It was a nice funeral, though, wasn't it?

Not the way I'd like mine, though.

You know what I would like?

I would like our regimental flag draped across my coffin.

And then... I hope this isn't pretentious...

I'd like it drawn by a team of white horses...

while the band plays the grand march from Aida,

'cause that's my favorite opera.

I'd like it to go around and round the cemetery three times.

What would you like?

I'd like to be there.